Tolkin

I just stopped by today, because I am part of a men's bible study and we were talking about our testimony in 2 pages.  As I wrote and tried to explain where I am in my walk with my higher power, it triggered my cravings so I came here to OLGANON, and was reminded how thankful I am for all the support I was given through you guys.  After OLGANON, I went to a local recovery group through my church, then I moved for my job, and at that point established with a local celebrate recovery group, after hearing about the organization through here by posts by Dr. Doan.  With this journey, I've continued to have relapses.  2 years ago these relapses caused me and my wife to have our engagement broken, because I stopped communicating and dove into porn.  My addictive nature led to relapses again during residency when I had night shifts.  I decided that in order to maintain my relationship with my higher power I would have to give up my original career plans of working in the ED.  And now I am looking into child neurology fellowships, and also we have our first child.  What was sacrificed was small compared to what I have been graced with, especially the mercy of being a "functional" addict.  I deserved nothing of what I have now, and all I have, especially my sobriety, is not through my own effort but from my higher power working through other people, like OLGANON.  

September 2017, at the start of another ED rotation, I gamed for two nights because I was alone.  I felt an inner debate in my soul this time, and could actually decide to game.  I chose poorly, then turned back quickly in 2 days.  I still have that addictive tendency, that same programming, in my body.  But my soul is growing stronger every day I go into recovery with my whole heart.  Temptation with porn is a constant battle, but I haven't gone looking for it for a long time.  

For those of you who feel broken by games or porn, have faith and don't give up hope.  There is recovery, it can happen and it may not look like what you imagine.  But it starts with opening up to others about your desparate need, and finding something higher then our own delusions and fantasies to fill us.