Yeah, today I fully noticed that my life slipped out of my hands - I played for so long for two days in a row (like straight after waking up till late at night) that I forgot that an online appointment with a client. We were to skype at 20, I noticed that about 20:30... and shrugged mindlessly and returned to play for 5 more hours. Coming the end of the day I saw my hand and legs twitching and had a strange perspective on that - I imagined that somebody is too in the room and sees me, and I saw a smelly, fatty guy with yellow teeth, yellow-red eyes, aching back, limbs anxiously moving after two day exhaustion, in a dirty room achieving unimaginable things on the screen. And later I couldn't sleep till like 0530, even though I've always slept very well. How is this my life?
It hasn't always been like that, when I was in high school I read amazing stuff, made creative things like writing, went out often with friends, had trips, learned new things. And gradually after that my life has shrunk to this state till today when I'm 26. It's not that I'm attached rigidly to the idea that a good life should be lived exactly that way, but something has really changed for worse. I tried dealing with that in various ways, of course, but nothing ever worked as a permanent solution - it's always a pattern of doing well - relapse - doing well - relapse and so on, and the "I'm going to solve it on my own".
Well, I still haven't and I feel powerless now, there's also shame and self-accusing. The irony is that I'm an aspiring psychotherapist, I know how science is made and I technically know what works and what is unproven. I should know what to do. It's an equivalent of standing in front of a big wardrobe and complaining that there's nothing to put on. Apparently it doesn't work that way, and it's easier to encourage others to step out of the comfort zone than to do it myself.
And there is so much to put on, really, the wardrobe is oh so full! It's not about the dry psychological techniques, but it's about my health, looking for a full time job (I still haven't looked for almost any despite it being like half year after my graduation, and I studied a year longer and had bad grades because it was more interesting to play a game or sit on fb), being an independent person, doing scientific and clinical progress, helping my family and others and discovering what is beautiful in life, loving, learning, cooking and travelling. At my best I'm caring, creative, hard-working and intelligent, there is a lot to fight for.
But instead of that I'm just rolling slowly, doing average therapy to people that really hope that I will make a difference in their life, cleaning myself mostly only when I go out, my health is degrading, I'm afraid to go out and search for a job or to date. And instead of that - games, internet, porn, a cycle of sitting in front of the monitor, eating numbingly and masturbating. I'm lost, really lost, and I feel like crying now. I don't want to wake up alone at 30 or 40 just to see the same myself in the same place with new, stronger glasses.
Today a wrote a mail to an acquaintance of mine could he be my therapist. There is not much scientific therapy available around so it's not like I have many options especially with computer-related addiction, but even if he declines I still want to make progress. So I searched the net and arrived here. It's encouraging to read your stories and to have some structure and accountability with dealing with that sh**.
I want to cut games completely, porn too and cut internet usage to more acceptable amounts (haven't established what that means yet). Some the changes I've already made:
- uninstalled all the games I have
- contacted the therapist
- blocked pages with funny photos
- stopped eating in front of the computer, instead mindfully eating in the kitchen or with family, my mind and body were really struggling with that!
I'm not sure about blocking most of the sites though. Having a social media account is important for contacting friends abroad, running a site for my web-page or just getting access to interesting stuff that some of my friends put there. On the other hand I tend to descend into that pattern of ocd-like clicking, refreshing, jumping between sites and investing too much into temporary illusions, to little into what matters to me.
But it's not only about erasing stuff, there has to be some new and valuable behaviour that would be something more than a set of techniques - finally it's about living a better life, not becoming the technique master. I don't want to jump yet into setting goals though, just to establish myself in that newly found helplessness. After all that fix-it attitude to emotions has brought me here - mindlessly eating, playing, interneting and masturbating as a short-terms fix to my insecurities and a comfortable way to avoid real life, real women, real struggles and real me.
It's something very new for me to share such things that way. I think I'll be writing here from time to time as a diary of some sort and if somebody has anything to say he or she is greatly encouraged!
Fighting for a meaningful life: sober from computer games, porn and excessive internet usage since 6th Feb 2014.