Quite a huge step back :(

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Crichton
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Quite a huge step back :(

Well, had a lot of ups and downs recently, been game free for a while now, approacing 3 months (well, loosely termed "game free" i suppose, ive sat down with the kids on 2 occasions and played with them for a few 5 minute bursts, but honestly dont see that as part of my problem or a resurgence of my addiction).

This was unfortunately up until 2 days ago. Woke up on wednesday, and ecerything was just very wrong. Not sure if what had triggered this change, if it was just a day of weakness or if a current event or events in my life hit me harder than i realised, but my mood just spiraled downwards all day. Has been a long time since i felt so self pitying but my mind was just focusing on everything my addiction has cost me, rather than my usual approach of trying to focus on the effects my actions have had on the people around me, which more gives me strength to try and not do it again. Instead i just had growing feelings of negativity, fear, loniless, despair and hopelessnes. I focused on everything i had that i wouldnt have again and i couldnt stop myself.

And so i picked up my tablet, installed an old freemium game i used to play and played a single game on it. Whats worse is then i got annoyed because i couldnt do well i spent money i couldnt afford on it. While the purchase was going through i managed to rationalise and think, and ask myself exactly what i thought i was doing, and hit hit me what a huge f*** up i was being with my current actions. Surely, if my addiction had cost me so much already, why was i going back to it. The answer that came back was, predictably, because everything is hopeless.

Thankfully i came to my senses enough to go for a walk at this point, before i picked the game up again, and on the (rather lengthy) walk i managed to rationalize my position and my path. if i went home and picked up the game again, the money i had just spent would still be wasted, only tomorrow, or next week, i would need to spend more. If i went home and played the game again, it would mean an incredibly late night, i have work tomorrow, and work is hard and hectic enough at the moment with a normal head, never mind a tired head thinking about playing or reading up on a game again. If i picked up the game again, i'd get bored with it and start looking for another game.

Got to be honest, it was a scary night for me, one that has resulted in me now being able to say "my name is Crichton, I'm an addict, and ive been game free for 2 days" rather than the months i was so proud of. All is not lost though. Ive been game free for 2 days, and although it hurts, i can admit this, both to anyone who cares and more importantly to myself. So time to tread my path again, and find my way back to where i was. Because i kind of liked it there :)

Maggie
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Hugs Crichton. Congrats on

Hugs Crichton. Congrats on two days game-free! Never too late to quit. Relapse is part of recovery, it is unrealistic to expect a smooth ride after quiting the first game. Progression, not perfection! I relapsed 3 times before I found Olga and since then I have stayed connected to Olga and I have managed to stay game-free. I hope it will do the same for you. Meeting is still very helpful for me even after 19 weeks of sobriety, I try to attend at least every other days to maintain sobriety. I also do many other things outside Olga, here is my blog on tips that have helped me on my journey.

http://olganon.org/?q=node/41941

Hugs,

Maggie

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

LearningSerenity
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Hugs, Crichton.  Going from

Hugs, Crichton. Going from "I do something addictively" to "I am an addict" can be hard, and I'm glad it didn't take a lengthy disappearance with countless hours of games for you to make the switch. Maybe it's just because our schedules haven't matched up at all recently, but I haven't seen you around the site much lately. I know that when I disappear (for whatever reason), I either wind up back here fairly quickly or things start to fall apart. Congrats on the 2 days, and don't forget that today, you can acquire clean time at the rate of 1 hour every 60 minutes, just like the rest of us. If you make the relapse a learning experience, it can become just another step forward, however odd of a step forward it may have seemed when you first took it. Hugs...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

Patria
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Hugs Crichton. Please watch

Hugs Crichton. Please watch this video (only 3.25 min) about What is Addiction:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T5sOh4gKPIg

This explains so much to me about why I will pick up and use even when I most don't want to.

Hugs.

Crichton
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Thank all guys. Just had a

Thank all guys. Just had a brief chat with my only "real life" support and the outcome was less than encouraging. Torn on 1 side of having to tell the truth and the other side of trying not to hurt them, and they asked :(

Will have a watch of the video tonight, cheers Patricia

And thanks for the guide Maggie, always good to see a familiar face :)

And learning, yeah, my work went crazy and still is for a while yet, and unintentionally got out of the habit of regular visits here when I went to the states, hoping I'll be around here a bit more regularly now :)

And obviously will try and make it to a meeting soon, this event put me so out of whack i was walking when i should have been at the meeting on wednesday which hit double hard.

Again thanks to you all, every word helps :)

LearningSerenity
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Addiction is one of those

Addiction is one of those places where Murphy's Law seems to show up with a vengeance on a regular basis. Genuine issues can make it seem impossible to do all the recovery things that have been keeping us sane, and after a few days of not doing any recovery things but still being sober because of how busy we are (which also conceals the re-awakening of the subtle insanity), it's easy to not see it as really urgent to get back involved with recovery. It is, but it's easy to forget. It's good to have you back again.

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

Crichton
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So true and kinda kicking

So true and kinda kicking myself for not seeing it :) feels good to be back here, and getting back on track with the things i wasnt doing before. looking forward to not messing up this wednesday and actually attending the meeting :)

dan1
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What I've found is that I

What I've found is that I can't deal with this thing on my own. I have bipolar disorder, which is a very misunderstood disease--my moods are all over the place, but worse, much, much worse, is that modds affect how you actually think. So my thinking is disordered. It really pushes my addiction, and when I find myself trying to use something to avoid my bad feelings, well, there you go. It's what we do. Welcome to being an addict (saying this to myself here).

So the only thing that keeps me on an even keel is that I have a couple of people that I talk with pretty much every day, I have a few others that I talk with about once a week, I go to the evening chat meetings about half of the time, and I go to open AA meetings a couple of mornings a week, and I go to a GA meeting every few weeks. If that sounds like a lot, well, I just say to myself, it takes what it takes.

So welcome back. And BIG kudos for taking that walk and playing it through. There is no problem gaming won't make worse. We have to learn a new way of living, and that's really one of the hardest things in the world to do. See you at the meeting....

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

Crichton
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Thanks for the words Dan :)

Thanks for the words Dan :) i agree having people to talk things through with is incredibly important for people in our position. I hope your path gets easier as time goes by :)

Sorry to everyone who made last nights meeting when i dropped, my computer for no good reason just crapped out, and i forgot i had skype on my phone untill way too late. Was looking forward to the meeting as was looking for some guidance from other members on recent events, but i figure i can get that here anyway :)

As for an update on my progress, happy to announce everythings calmed down since my blip last week, no more tugs towards going back and no intrusive or negative thoughts, which is good, although i feel i need to be slightly more accepting of what happened, it was such a huge step back for me given how well i was doing it is kinda hard,

So keeping myself busy now, plenty of work to be done and walks to be had and books to be read and stars to be gazed at.

Thank you all for your help and support so far :) i know i wouldnt have gotten this far without it

kyunga1214
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Keep going, Crichton!! All

Keep going, Crichton!! All my thoughts and support to you.

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