Well, had a lot of ups and downs recently, been game free for a while now, approacing 3 months (well, loosely termed "game free" i suppose, ive sat down with the kids on 2 occasions and played with them for a few 5 minute bursts, but honestly dont see that as part of my problem or a resurgence of my addiction).
This was unfortunately up until 2 days ago. Woke up on wednesday, and ecerything was just very wrong. Not sure if what had triggered this change, if it was just a day of weakness or if a current event or events in my life hit me harder than i realised, but my mood just spiraled downwards all day. Has been a long time since i felt so self pitying but my mind was just focusing on everything my addiction has cost me, rather than my usual approach of trying to focus on the effects my actions have had on the people around me, which more gives me strength to try and not do it again. Instead i just had growing feelings of negativity, fear, loniless, despair and hopelessnes. I focused on everything i had that i wouldnt have again and i couldnt stop myself.
And so i picked up my tablet, installed an old freemium game i used to play and played a single game on it. Whats worse is then i got annoyed because i couldnt do well i spent money i couldnt afford on it. While the purchase was going through i managed to rationalise and think, and ask myself exactly what i thought i was doing, and hit hit me what a huge f*** up i was being with my current actions. Surely, if my addiction had cost me so much already, why was i going back to it. The answer that came back was, predictably, because everything is hopeless.
Thankfully i came to my senses enough to go for a walk at this point, before i picked the game up again, and on the (rather lengthy) walk i managed to rationalize my position and my path. if i went home and picked up the game again, the money i had just spent would still be wasted, only tomorrow, or next week, i would need to spend more. If i went home and played the game again, it would mean an incredibly late night, i have work tomorrow, and work is hard and hectic enough at the moment with a normal head, never mind a tired head thinking about playing or reading up on a game again. If i picked up the game again, i'd get bored with it and start looking for another game.
Got to be honest, it was a scary night for me, one that has resulted in me now being able to say "my name is Crichton, I'm an addict, and ive been game free for 2 days" rather than the months i was so proud of. All is not lost though. Ive been game free for 2 days, and although it hurts, i can admit this, both to anyone who cares and more importantly to myself. So time to tread my path again, and find my way back to where i was. Because i kind of liked it there :)