The idea that "you're good now"

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twofish
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The idea that "you're good now"

So weird. I was going to make an account and apparently I already have an account. From 2 years, 8 months ago. I don't even remember doing that. Sounds about right, though.

I think I mostly wanted to make a thread to introduce myself. I feel a little bit like a poser because I'm passed the worst of my addiction, by quite a while. From 2004-2009, I played World of Warcraft to an unbelievable extent. My life went on pause. I tried to do college several times and always ending up dropping classes. At one point in 2007, I lost 30 pounds in a semester because TBC just came out and I just stopped eating so I could play all day. I would come home to visit my parents and not be able to survive in their internetless house, so drive 1.5 hours to get to an internet cafe (this was also around 2007, things have obviously changed since then). I used to stay at internet cafes for over 24 hours without leaving, just getting up to go to the bathroom or buy another energy drink from the vending machine.

In 2009, a fluke happened. I applied to college for the upteenth time. It was at an art school out of state. I somehow actually quit the game. It was possibly because my topranked guild had beaten all the content and there was a natural lull in the game, but still, I quit. I ended up having to drop a class that quarter because I had developed some pretty bad anxiety from never dealing with the world for 5 years, but I stayed at full-time status and got a 3.0. I ended up being WOW free for 3 years and graduated college with honors, and secured a good job.

I thought I was cured you know. I had so much self confidence (well, relatively speaking) after being away from the game for 3 years. But after a year at my job, I was laid off, and couldn't get another job. This was 2013. I started playing WOW on a private server basically all day everyday. I went to job interviews but I lied and said my mom was sick and couldn't work on certain days (so I wouldn't miss raids). Of course, I didn't get hired. After no job for about 6 months, I ended up getting very depressed. Bad thoughts depressed. I wouldn't get a new job for 2 years, but I did in November 2015.

I still played WOW "casually" when I got the job, but I did some pretty stupid things. Since I was playing on a private server, I opted to play in a European guild even though I'm American, just because they were more competitive, but this meant they raided during American work times. I would take long lunches to raid on my laptop or on our work from home day I would just play WOW all day. This stopped about April/May 2016, when I spilled a glass of water on my laptop and never replaced it (I use my work computer at both work and home, but it's a Macbook Air and not really suitable for gaming).

I assumed when I killed my computer, I wouldn't be able to go long without replacing it, but I was somewhat incentivized to not. With my new job, I was paying off debts and I liked that feeling. I kept telling myself I'd wait to buy a computer until x, y, z was paid off. I've now been at that job 1 year, 1 month, and still haven't replaced the computer.

Over this holiday, I went to visit my mom and I have an old PC of mine at her house with WOW on it. I played on it one day for about 10 hours and afterwards I felt really depressed. I realized I didn't even enjoy it. I also realized whenever I take a long break from the game I convince myself that "I'm good now," and no longer addicted and can totally play it here and there casually (hence the title of this post). I don't think that's true.

One time in college a professor (who I shared my experience with) told me that some people can only treat things addictively. I don't think think that was the exact phrasing, but he basically meant, for an addict there is no other way to consume whatever your vice is except obsessively. For some reason that was eye opening to me. I always blamed the game. I always told myself the only way to play the game was to play constantly or else you would get behind etc. When he said that I realized there are people who play games in a healthy way, and I don't. It's almost as if I can't.

It's weird that my first post isn't from a state of being "too far in" but rather "almost letting things slip" after a long period of doing well. But I'm actually pretty intrigued by this community. I hope it's ok for someone not compeltely in the throes of it to hang around because I think keeping my thinking straight even if I'm not currently playing could be healthy.

 

Polga
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Welcome back twofish !

Welcome back twofish !

This place is for all people who want to stay off the games; wherever you are in your recovery.

We do get people who have had recent relapses revisiting us. You are not alone!

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

ladylindael
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Hi welcome back :D I recently

Hi welcome back :D I recently came back also. I relapsed. But I was only game free three months before I gave into the urge, That was three years ago. And now I am trying to quit again. I think an addict is always an addict. I don't know if it is our personality or what, but I know I love working to complete everything in the game. I play MMOs. Or should I rephrase that? I use to play them. LOL, I have been addicted more than ten years.  I don't even know why I keep playing. After playing on one, I don't feel good bout. I don't even have that much fun. But it became such a habit; I would be on it every day. I think you are doing great! :) I can barely handle going one day with out playing.

twofish
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Hi thanks for the welcomes.

Hi thanks for the welcomes.

Yeah, even though I only played like 2 days, it actually took something of a concerted effort to stop. But I did. It's been a week now and so I think I'm in the clear of I keep choosing to be. My friend messaged me on FB the day I wrote this post about coming back to play WOW with some people from our old guild who are rerolling and I told him I never replaced my computer. It's weird to think that if I did replace my computer, I would probably be really tempted, but I guess I should be proud of myself for not paying $600 or whatever just to play a game and focusing on paying off debts. 2007 me would put a computer on a credit card 

Steele
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Welcome

What surprises me so much is how I tend to forget the bad of gaming and addiction, particularly how bad it is when it is in full swing. For me it was truely a horrible place: lelf loathing, shame, lying to others, no sleep, cutting corners everywhere just to play, reading game manuals at work, and amazed at not being able to keep my own promises to stop every morning. At the same time the game was not giving me any comfort anymore, it was a grind.

But I tend to forget that, and the nostalgic exciting idea of playing a game creeps back in. It is a lie, like a false love, a bad relationship. You know it is destructive, but it just keeps you hoping, wishing, wanting those old better days when it was good and fun. But its not and you destroy each other.

Twofish, it sound like you have already made a long journey towards a more sane lifestyle. I like reading that. I am now 3 months clean. The last years have been the best years in a very long time. I feel like I am getting better at letting this gaming go. The intervals between the relapses (the clean time) are getting longer and when the relapses occurred they are getting less long and less intense, because each time I discover more quickly how it definitely is NOT the answer to my problems. The illusion of "fun" dissolves more quickly every time.

For me the gaming appears to be a maladaptive coping mechanism. Coping with stuff that was hurting me and that I was pushing away. But I was blind to this fact, I always thought that I just wanted to game. Now I tend to more easily identify what really is making me want to game. That is very much progress.

Thanks for sharing. Good to hear your story.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

twofish
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I really relate to your first

I really relate to your first paragraph, Steele. When I quit in 2009 (which to me was the hard "big quit"), I was very depressed and defeated. And for a long time when people brought up gaming, the only thing that I felt was so much shame and pain because I knew it was the cause of me giving up so much in the life. But over the next few years when I had a few "relapses" that werent as devastating in outcome, I've starting seeing the whole experience as nostalgic and focus on the friendships and stuff, which is dangerous. Because sure you can meet some great people in games, but I just can't have a healthy relationship with the game, and I'm deluding myself with my selective memory. Reading around this site the other day, I really realized that I still have the same problem I did at my worst: I have bad anxiety and like to escape instead of dealing with life. That's the same thing people addicted to drugs and alcohol do. They want to hide their feelings and not deal with real life.

But yep, I'm the same. The time before relapses is long, and it's easier for me to identify I'm not enjoying it...even though oddly sometimes I can't quit even when I don't enjoy it. It also helps that I can be honest with the people in my life, because they don't minimize how much the game has screwed me up when I explain it, even my gamer friends are supportive.

Allerseelen
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Yeah, the "You're good now"

Yeah, the "You're good now" feeling surely catches up with all of us, especially after that first "big" recovery. We addicts love our little rewards and progress bars, and it's hard not to feel like a reward for completing a certain amount of recovery time should be that we're cured. I have small relapses now and again, as I suspect everyone does. The process of recovery takes a lifetime, and no one can expect to pitch perfect no-hitters every day for years on end. My job is just to make sure that they get smaller and less frequent until maybe one day they cease all together. And that's a matter of practice, plain and simple. Keep coming back, even when you get that "You're good now" feeling, and you might see others less far along who will remind you why you started working toward recovery all those years ago.

Chris

Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.

wazzapp
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I can also relate to this,

I can also relate to this, thats why i like going to meetings, when i met gaming addicts it reminds me of that i am also one

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Rich_101
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I really hope you are

I really hope you are continuing to stay clean. I am in my own first big recovery since August 12th now and hope stories like yours will keep me strong. Thanks.

Habits maketh man.

Tobardus
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I keep saying to myself when

I keep saying to myself when reading these forums that there is a wealth of information here and so many great lessons to absorb.

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