hello:)
I feel odd about posting here - but am hoping to gain some insight. First, i am not here to bash my SO. We have had probelms and arguments over gaming since i can remember. I think it's more of an internet addiction more than anything else. Right now (past year) he is playing Kingdoms of Camelot on FB. He has his computer up and running everyday so he can go back and forth to the game. He doesn't stay on till the wee hours of the morning or anything - but it's his constant distraction. He said he has only spent $200 on it but realized that it was wasteful. I guess the game sucks you in by having to be on it every ten mins or so. I have talked to him about this many times. I asked for compromises too. I don't care that he likes games and every person should have the chance to decompress with a hobby they enjoy BUT when is too much, TOO much? There have been times where it is excessive...then he will back off. I have told him how it makes me feel, especially when there is other stuff that needs to be done around the house. The next day he set it up so the computer plays for him while he is at work, but it did nothing as far as it goes with him at home. He has gotten better with it at times and has admitted to the fact that he constantly thinks about it, even when we are chatting. I have told him that it would be nice if he put that much time and effort into us!!! He went to say "they depend on me" - well, so does your family! I have asked him if he would like to join yoga or do something that he wants to do together - but it doesn't seem that he searches out any ideas. Another thing is that i am very uncomfortable with the game being interactive. Perhaps this is my issue and he thinks it's lack of trust, but i don't like that he is chatting with a bunch of peeps online and befriending them. Some of the girls he chats with look questionable and i know how some chats can be. He says all he talks about are the games and i for the most part believe him. It's not that i don't trust him, i guess i don't trust the whole thing. Last night i decided to try gaming to see if we could do something together. Not KOC, but Dragon's Age. Although i do appriciate the grapics - i thought it was boring and tired of it quickly. I guess i just don't get it. I, for myself, believe it's a time suck and childish. not for me, although i wanted to put the effort in and try. He was disappointed. We have three kids (one is his) and he is really good with them - so that's not an issue, although i wonder if his gaming effects my son's thought of it.
I am tired of fighting. I have been backing off and just carrying on with my stuff, but feel resentment creep in when his becomes temporarily obssessed. any direction would be appriciated - cheers, chelsea
If you read around on here a lot of the stories are similar. My problem is with my wife of 23 years and evony. We have been battling over this for 18m now and I feel not geting very far. at its worst she was doing it 16 hrs a day until 2,3,4, or 5 in the morning, although recently she has got it down to between 4 and 8 hrs a day (when I am around - more when I go away to work). Unfortunately I also think you are right to be concerned about the chat that goes with these games. In my wife's case she was engaging in some pretty flirtatious conversations that had little to do with the game! I also discovered one 'gentleman' had emailed her pictures of a certain part of his anatomy! In desperation the other night I told her I was leaving, she got very angry with me, almost violent and said she was deleting her account - except she was lying and within 2 days was back up and running! She now hides the game on the screen every time I get within view although you can still see the evony tabs on the browser and the chat buttons on the task bar! I cant stand the lying and underhand behaviour. She admits she is addicted to it but I cant get her to moderate it. I wish you well, very well but for myself I see no end until I trash our marriage and walk out for good as she just cannot see what she is doing! Fortunately our children are at the stage where they are leaving home one by one and are almost all self sufficient but a year ago they were not getting their evening meal until 9 or 10 at night. I have tried ignoring it, making an issue of it and even suggested counselling but apparently it is all my problem and she can see nothing wrong in having an interest! I am no angel and have interests of my own but they dont go on 16 hrs a day, 7 days a week! I am afraid I can't offer a solution. The only way to success is if the person realises what they are doing and wants to stop for themselves, from my experience pressure and persuasion only breeds resentment. So I either have to grin and bear it or get out and at the moment my patience after 12m of argument is exhausted. I even emailed her a link to this site about 6 weeks ago - didnt even provoke a comment! I wish you luck and if you find an answer I would love to hear it - if it's not too late!
Paul.
Kingdom of Camelot is exactly like Evony I hear....the game continues on when you are offline. It is a FaceBook game.
I confess to playing a few FB games. When Kingdom of Camelot I started playing it. Your "time investment" is quickly pulled in when people start attacking your castles. I saw myself getting sucked in...I quit asap.
Sadly, many people stay putting in a lot of time and real life money to buy things and become the "best."
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
wow - paul, you have quite the battle ahead for you. I have read alot of the stories here and i am amazed that some people are willing to still go through it. I remember talking to my hubby a few months back and telling him that if he would rather live in fantasy land, then maybe he should find his own place to carry that out in. He agreed. At that point he was willing to give up family for an online game. REALLY?? WOW! HE said that it was me being controlling of his time and projected the blame onto me. I said that he was so busy trying to earn the respect of these complete strangers all the while losing all of mine. Doesn't seem to phase him. I said to him that i don't care that he plays games as i understand that everyone needs downtime and "escape" BUT when escape impedes on your real life, then clue back into reality. HE doesn't go 16 hours a day or is up till two in the morning, although he did get up at 4:30 am two weeks ago to raid a castle...or something. We have always had issues with his computer. Before it was porn....which i defiantly didn't want to put up with. Not because i am offended by porn but because it was replacing our sexlife - no go for me. Paul, seems like you have a serious problem on your hand with your wifes gaming. That amount of time in virtual land would be a deal breaker for me. Of course, it's not always that easy. If she is hiding and lying, then it's deception - not a good foundation for your marriage. Time to set an ultimatlum IMO. Either she gets help or your ok with being on your own. Hopefully she clues in - but possibly not. Too many marriages are being ruined by the lack of self control people demonstrate. It's really sad.
For me, i see that my SO has gotten better at controlling his compulsion, but only time will tell. IF it starts to get worse , then i will have to decide what is best for me and my family. He's a good dad - but i would love to have a hubby that is interested in me and my thoughts, romance me once in a while and put the amount of time and effort into our relationship that he does in this game. Right now, i am just doing what i need to do. We will see what happens. Unfortunatly, if it isn't this game, it's another or another ect...it's the addiction to distraction. Thanks for your post - i appreciate it. sorry for your hard times:(
Thanks for the reply TRM:) I did check out the game and he has my son playing once in a while - which i don't mind. He has approx. 1 1/2 hours a week to play. I just don't get it!!!! i guess my fear is him delving into this so much that he will start "connecting" with the girls he chats with.. I mean, she "gets it". Although i know it isn't his intention, i am aware how these things work and don't trust the allure of these chats. Good for you getting off the game when you could. MY friend said a while back that he joined and got off because it was a time suck and did nothing to improve his relationship or life. He got it. I feel like i am making a huge issue when compared to people like paul. Not only is it lonley being on the other end, i find it completly disrespectful towards your partner. I get that we all have our issues and i am sure that my SO could tear me up and down for some things i do - but it's the addictive qualities i really worry about. cheers:)
My heart goes out to both of you so much, Chelseabuns and Paul. It isn't very long ago that I was right where your significant other was. I was the one spending so much time in front of the screen and ignoring all my responsibilities and letting my husband down, while feeling like i couldn't let other random people down (most of whom I would never know in person).
I hated what I was doing to my family but I was addicted... I couldn't be rational about it. I felt compelled to play. I loved the game, I felt fulfilled playing it but at exactly the same time I hated the game and I felt my life was totally unfulfilled and empty. This was totally crazy thinking but it was my addict brain. I really wanted to please my husband and leave the game but I felt I couldn't.
There were times when I wished my husband would leave and let me play (again it was my addiction talking). He never did, but he also never took over any of my responsibilities which would enable me to play more. He did not nag me, which would have made me defend my playing and push me further into the game, but we drifted further and further apart. Unfortunately he didn't respond to my pleas for help to moderate my play... saying that if I really loved him I'd want to spend time with him; without him having to give me permission to play. I loved him but I couldn't stop!
The reason I finally walked away was brought on by a number of things. I was getting more and more negative feelings in the game and less fulfillment, my graphics card was giving me problems, relationships within the game were changing, and it was time to renew my subscription. My real life (particularly health, work and relationships) was falling apart due to gaming. I had to do something. I quit.
About 2 weeks after I quit I discovered this site... it is what has helped me most. Although I had managed to quit alone I don't think that I would have had the strength to keep at it without this place. I'm now in the process of developing a good relationship again with my husband. It will take time, but I took time to pull the relationship down so I will put the time necessary in to build it back up.
I feel so terrible looking back at what my gaming did to my family and friends. I can't believe how self-centred I was. However at the time I couldn't see it. I seemed blind to it all.
I really feel for you being on the other side. I wish I could help more, but at this stage I think you need to put yourself and family first. Look after yourselves, but don't empower them to play. Do what you have to do to remain sane, and pray that your significant other will see the light.
Read of others on these forums and feel support here. Let us know how you are going. Love and prayers with you both.
Wow, what an encouraging story - thanks so much for sharing:) I am happy that you have seen what it has done and are working towards a better future for both you and your husband. I get that we all like to distract ourselves from the hardships of life. I get that you can be anybody you want to be in your virtual life and feel a sense of power. I guess to an extend, we all like to escape, but when the escapism starts to interfere with your actual, real life - then a problem arises. As i said prior, if it starts getting worse, then all i can do is make a decision for myself and what i want in my life. Part of me agrees with him when he says it's about control and the inability to trust. Part of me thinks that he is just projecting his crap onto me to cover the fact that he is a compulsive person. Right now, i think i will bow down, carry on with the kids and myself and see what happen in the next few months. Really, if he continues or goes deeper, then i will have to be able to come to the conclusion that it's not a workable situation and wish him well in his life, so i can get on with mine. Perhaps he would be better with someone who loves to game. Although the thought of breaking a relationship over a computer seems absolutely ridiculous - it's how much you are willing to deal i guess......who knows:( thanks so much for sharing - i really appreciate your input. cheers
This is great to read that I'm not the only one in this horrible situation.
My husband plays k o c constantly. He works a twilight shift so finishes at 2 and is playing till dawn sleeps for a few hours but the minute he wakes up he is straight back on there.
In recent times I found a screen shot of the chat page and some one had whispered to the chancellor that he was sending rude chat to a player who is female. I questioned him and he said he was trying to help her as he's one of the best on it and helps everyone as he so bloody wonderful ( sarcasm voice there).
Ive never showed an interest in the game as it doesn't appeal to me but didn't mind hubby playing it as a hobby but not to the degree it has got to now.
He has spent over PS200 on the game and not to mention the PS100 fine we had as he'd gone to meet some players and spent 4 hrs in a service station when 2 hrs was the max.
But it has gone to another level now, I've had the game on my iPhone as he has more than 1 city,but I never went on it but he asked me a few weeks ago to go on and get his chance things. When I did this for him
i noticed the chat across the bottom was rude as an understatement. So I watched it for a while and watched him whilst he was at work and the chat was going along the line of taking a woman to a hotel. And another conversation about she was having a BBQ and he suggested getting his speedo on and coming round. She replied with well if you have speedos on you can come round now! ;-)
When I finally plucked up the courage to say something he flew off the handle saying what he was doing was completely fine and I could do the same if I was to say to someone ill be round in my bikini it'll be fine. This is coming from a man who last time we went out had the audacity to have a go at me because a man looked at me.
He made me apologise for spying on him even though it was on my phone. That this woman was married with kids an she didn't know where she lived blah blah blah but he has met with a few people already I don't know if she's there or not he says not but I always believed him before when he said he would never do anything that would hurt me.
We have been together 11 years married for 1 and have 2 children together and a house. It is affecting the kids too cos he will ignore them if they are calling him if he's playing the game which is 99% of the time he's home. The only time he doesn't play it is at dinner and even sometimes he's done it then too. I believed we had a great relationship and this stupid game has ruined it i feel like I'm going mad
I can relate to how you're feeling, Jaijai. My wife is addicted to this game and it has destroyed our marriage. My only piece of advice would be to take care of yourself because you'll drive yourself crazy otherwise.
You're not going crazy Jaijai. He's doing the psychological equivalent of jujitsu - using the force of your discovery and turning it against you. If you put yourself in his shoes, you've just uncovered a DEEPLY embarassing aspect of his life, one he's kept hidden. His response is almost instant and subconscious denial, (because acknowledging his feelings would be too painful) which he uses to restore his own self-image. Since he now views himself as innocent, you've made a very serious accustation and deserve "punishment".
I wish I had a good roadmap out of that situation, but I don't. Do realize that this entirely about him and his stupid game, and not you. In my experience with my spouse, there is nothing you can do to change their behavior. You might be able to influence it for a day or two, but ultimately you need to do what's right for your and your children.
Hugs,
Fish
I know how this feels. I have been married to my wife for less than a year, and she's fallen prey to this game as well. I only noticed how bad it has gotten about a month ago, when we were on vacation. I wanted to take walks with her on the beach, but would rather sit down and play this game on the IPad. When we got home, nothing has changed.
Recently though, she had come to me and explained things going on in the game. I guess it is a positive step, but when she don't come to sleep with me anymore and explains she is physically tired but not mentally, I have offered back rubs and anything known to man to get her to relax, but refuses. It hurts me.
I think what hurts is this is someone who I moved from NYC to be with 3 years ago because I knew she was worth it to me. We went from doing things together and having great conversation to not even saying a word to each other on most nights, and that game is always up and running.
I found she was talking to a man online, and I snooped. Thankfully it was nothing romantic, but most of it was her complaining about things I do and whatnot, and that upset me. I confronted her about it and was like if there is something I am doing that upsets you, to please please speak to me because that is the only way I can fix it. Nothing has changed. I feel like I am at my wits end, and don't feel like coming home from work because of it.
Thankfully, I am starting counseling to help me deal and cope with this because there has been a lot of anger and frustration on my part because of this game and what it has done. If she played in moderation, I wouldn't mind so much since we all need something to decompress after a long day's work and day to day life, but it's gotten to the point where I try to even talk to her she makes it feel like I am a bother, and it makes me feel really crappy about myself.
I know there are people on here who have gone through something similar, and any advice will be welcomed.
Welcome to OLGA, Phunomenon. I'm sorry to hear that your wife has gotten to the point that you're describing here...the things that you're talking about sound awfully familiar, and if it's an addiction, it's not likely to get better any time soon. I wish I could say something more encouraging than that, but I'd rather be honest than make promises I can't keep.
Since I'm a gaming addict rather than the spouse of one, I'm not sure how much direct help I can offer you, but there are a few things that I've learned that you might find helpful. First, I know that a support group that goes beyond OLGA is really helpful, and since there are support groups for the spouses of addicts, you might find it helpful to check them out. Nar-anon is probably your best bet, and from what I've heard from some of the other spouses on OLGA, it can be a really big help.
You might also want to check out the sticky (http://olganon.org/?q=node/4233). There's a lot of good stuff on it, and you might find it helpful if you haven't read it yet.
You also might want to consider starting a thread of your own on the topic...at this point, you can either start a new thread or ask an administrator to move it, but it would give you your own "place" to get help and advice. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
Thank you so much for responding. At least I know I didn't feel like this fell into an empty thought. How would I go to an admin to move this to a new thread??? I do feel lost in my situation and by the way that article was very helpful and gave me a bit of insight.
I know this thread is old, but it's the only one I could find about kingdom of Camelot. My husband has been playing this constantly which I'm ok with except that he is spending a ton of money, I'm talking hundreds. I'm not sure i want to add it up. We had a talk about it last week after he splurged 132 in 2 days and he said he would stop if I worked with him and let him spend a little here and there. Well the very next day he wanted to spend again. I went to pay a credit card bill today and he charged 100 on that too. I'm so depressed
Welcome to OLGA, AW. I'm sorry you get to go through all of this. You don't ask for advice, so I'm not sure what you're looking for right now, but I do believe you and don't think you're alone in all of this. I'm a gaming addict rather married to one, so I can only relate so much to what you're talking about, but I do know that this sort of thing is, sadly, not unheard of. If you're planning on staying with him, then there's a lot of helpful stuff on this page here (http://olganon.org/?q=spouses_of_excessive_gamers).
Lastly, if you wish to create your own thread about the issues you're dealing with, you are certainly free to do so. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
When the game first started it was a novelty. Once the alliances were implemented it became a true world wide social game where you cold get to know people all over the world. We had families that were scatttered across the country and the world that would play in an alliance and interact in a way that was not available in real life. Kids could rescue theit parents from being decimated. We had military members that would sign on and chat and interact with their kids. We had couples meet and even get married in real life after meeting in the game. We took vacations and stayed with people we met in the game and I still keep in touch with people that live allover th eworld. People that were bed bound would play and that was their social interaction. I was in my 40s and was one of the younger players. Things took days and it kept those that wanted to buy wins and prestige out of the game. Most ikids that played were plying as part of a family, sometimes 3 or 4 generations. we had one family that had kids from 8 to a great great grand mother and father that were near 100 and they played as a unit and interacted with each other and the alliance.
Once the Throne room was implemented it destroyed that part of the game. Before I am sure some spent a lot but you really did not have to. Now you have to if you want to win. Before a beginning player could be effective in an alliance through providing information and coverage. Now those are not needed and I can see where someone with a gambling addiction could easily be suckered in now.
Dont know if this answers any questions but everyone seems to be looking in. I was an avid player for several years. I spent almost nothing, have frienships i cultivated through the game with people here, england, australia, new zealand, hong kong, europe, india and we have some interesting conversations on politics and world events. The people i interacted with in the game helped me through some of my hardsest trials. Loss of a SO, best friend, foreclosure, divorce. Maybe this might help to understand it.