I would like to discuss the difference between stopping gaming and recovery.
For me (and many others) stopping gaming meant bare knuckling it for a few days, overcoming the physical withdrawal of not gaming (yes it is true I had many physical symptoms), deleting my characters, breaking disks, and otherwise leaving the game.
However that was not enough. I had a huge amount of time on my hands. I was still jobless and no prospect of a job. My finances hit rock bottom. All I could do was hang around the computer, or the TV, and find some way of occupying my mind which desperately sought other means of escape.
Recovery began when I began to take some steps to begin to address the issues which made me game in the first place. I found the 12 Steps to be a very useful way of beginning to discover what made me game in the addictive fashion I did. What were the character defects which compelled me to spend 12 hours per day online in a fantasy world with people whom I didnt know and who really could care less about me. What was it that made me ignore the people I love, to ignore my responsibility to them and to the community I live in.
Fast forward about 8 months. Yesterday I was cleaning the house in preparation for our move (downsizing as a consequence of my financial irresponsibility as a result of gaming). We are moving into a house 1/3 the size of where we presently live. Everything has to go.
I found my report cards from University all the way back to Grade 1 or equivalent. I though I might digitally scan them prior to putting them in the waste paper bin. The grades were all there to review, along with teachers comments. I began drinking at drugging at 14. But my behaviour and grades began to deteriorate when I was 11. Going from A's and B's to C's and D's. And the comments: Try harder. He should apply himself. Disappointing. Yadayada.
An eye opener yes! A complete surprise - no! What I learned as the result of rigourous inventory in the Steps was that my addictive behaviour - that which compelled me to drink, drug and in later life, game addictively - began when I was 10 or 11. Possibly the seeds were sown even earlier.
Armed with this self-knowledge and the rigorous honesty required to complete the 12 steps, I am able to put this behind me. I am able to forgive the 10 year old who took the wrong turn so many years ago. And with this self-knowledge I am able to move on with my life, unencumbered by the attitudes, habits and beliefs shaped so long ago.
I know it doesnt happen overnight. There are not any quick fixes. That was gaming - the ultimate quick fix. Self-knowlege and discovery takes time and patience. In the meantime we have to continue with our daily lives, being fathers, husbands, employees, neighbours. It all takes time.
I did not have the urge to game today. Though I remain vigilant, I think the compulsion has passed. I don't really want to game any more. So I guess I did some things right.
I just wanted to share this with you, especially those new and struggling to stop. It does work if you put some effort into it. There is hope. It isnt magic. If it can work for me it can work for anyone.
- dark
Olga/non member since Dec. 2008 Check out my latest video on Gaming Addiction and public awareness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-6JZLnQ29o
Dark, thanks for sharing that. Seomtimes after taking inventory the amends to be made is to ourselves and that sounds like what you did. As you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, too and, I have to say, the steps have worked for me for 21 years. Every great once in a while I have an urge to drink, but I don't have to follow that urge anymore. Same with gaming. I have 20 days now and I get the urge to play sometimes. But that strung-out white-knuckling feeling has been removed. The steps have worked for hundreds of thousands of people and on addictions from alcohol to gambling I encourage everyone here to get a Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and substitute gaming for the word alcohol and apply it. They have it at libraries and there are even free copies online. There is a chapter to agnostics as well which might help some people who have trouble with the Higher Power concept.
Thanks Sasseux.
For those - as you mentioned - who may have trouble with the Higher Power concept - I quote the following from Appendix II titled: Spiritual Experience in the Big Book of AA.
We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
aEUoeThere is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignoranceaEU"that principle is contempt prior to investigation.aEU
aEU"Herbert Spencer
What this essentially means is that if you do not believe that spirituality or asking for help from a Higher Power does not work - try it first and prove it does not work before dismissing it out of hand.
http://www.therecoverygroup.org/meditations/higherpower2.html
Found this link today looking for meditations. Hope it helps someone.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Here's the big Book online
Dear dark,
This IS a good differentiation! It is vital that one knows that "ceasing the outward behavior" is the first huge step, (along with all you described), but will not hold a person through to prolonged freedom. Anyone who has any ideas otherwise, or wants a quick fix, I would compare it to putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. It just won't hold. It just won't heal. Serious, repeated, on-going surgery needs to be done to remove what causes contributed to the huge wound and damage incurred. And along with this serious surgery, comes TIME, PERSISTENCE, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION through the sometimes very painful process. NOT perfection, but progress, inwardly and outwardly, behavior-wise. And guess who the primary surgeon is...hmmm.
Yes, the 12 Steps is one of the ways that has helped so many to methodically uncover numerous underlying causes in order to face and root them out. And this program fits some very well. You are SO right when you say "willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are essential to recovery". Without them, there could hardly even be an approach towards a fresh beginning.
Dark, you discovered a real, though somewhat sad treasure in your school progress reports. I think they will serve to contribute to your recovery at some point, directly or indirectly, more than you can imagine. You are not who you used to be, and so much more than you realize.
Sincerely, IHS
Dark, that is an awesome post!
Working the steps, analyzing your life, and working on spirituality (doesn't have to be religion tho)...is all part of the healing process. In addition, I think it also helps us evolve into better human beings.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
Dear Dark:
Thanks for such a great post and for sharing your story. I also second what The Real Me stated that out of the healing process we can emerge as better human beings. I did not post during my first part of recovery because to be frank, I was not sure I would make it to the other side. There were days where it was minute to minute.
I realize that for each of us the path is different and that makes perfect sense. I also believe that by sharing what works for us that there might just be a portion of that process that works for someone else. Dark, I really relate to your post because stopping gaming is what allows us the opportunity to enter the recovery phase but your post reminds us that this is not a quick-fix problem. Stopping gaming does bring benefits but the benefits I have received from the recovery process are truly amazing.
Working the steps with the help of an amazing Sponsor got me through the stopping gaming phase and into the recovery phase. During the stopping gaming phase on the suggestion of my sponsor I read the "Big Book." Like many books we will each take from the book what we will but for me I was amazed at what talented, smart, creative individuals were profiled and yes also were addicts. From this book I took the message of recovery and hope. Through working the steps I was able to reflect upon the reasons I gamed addictively and to make adjustments in my thinking. During this period I was honest with others that were close to me about my addiction and I apologized to them for the hurt I caused. Was it embarrassing to admit I was a gaming addict? You bet it was!!! Was it worth it? You bet it was!!! As an example, I recently forgot what day my birthday fell on for some reason. (I was thinking my birthday fell on Saturday when in reality it fell on Friday.) To be honest it really did not even matter because I knew my guy had managed to purchase sold out tickets for a concert at the end of the month. (Thus, I knew we were celebrating my birthday but just later in the month). Well one of my girlfriends called and was shocked to find out I had volunteered to help at a high school game on my birthday when I had to explain to her that I had the days mixed up. She proceeded to tell me I needed to unplan because her and my guy had made plans for me. Turns out they had THREE days of plans--a group of us went to dinner on Friday night at a local restaurant, my guy took me out for a fancy dinner on Saturday and another friend grilled steaks and had a party with about ten or twelve people on Sunday. The moral of the story is that these events would NEVER have happened without (1) My stopping gaming (2) My working on recovery (3) the help of this site, my Sponsor, and the others who so openly provide friendship and support here.
During recovery I read a lot of books about relationships and addiction and one that I would like to mention that seemed to make a significant impact for me was "Willpower's Not Enough" by Washton and Boundy. This book really helped me understand addiction and the prevalence of addictions that cross over. This book also reminds us that addiction recovery is a process and there is not a quick-fix solution. I remember at about the twelve week mark sensing a huge change in how I felt including not obsessing about the game, feelings of happiness for no discernable reason, feeling in the moment in real life, etc. Thus, the best birthday gift I got this year is the feeling of Sernity and that my friend is a huge benefit of the recovery process.
Regards,
Silver
I can share my experience with my addictions.
Before any exposure to 12-step programs, my (mis)understanding concerning my struggles with alcohol started like this: "My heavy drinking might lead me into alcoholism." When I finally admitted I had a problem, it became: "I drank too much and developed alcoholism."
After some time in AA, it became: "I had the tendencies & thinking of an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. Upon discovering booze, I was 90% of the way to being an alkie, missing only some compulsive behaviors. After several years of hard drinking, I was a full-blown alcoholic."
My continuing understanding has been: "With alcohol & other strong drugs now completely absent from my life, my disease, the mental illness called alcoholism or addiction, has not magically vanished. It is alive & well and persistently seeking substitute outlets for addiction." My outlets have included smoking, oversleeping, TV, chat rooms, movies, sex, porn, online dating, web surfing, over eating, sugar, computer games, online forums, and gambling (poker and stock trading). Most of the substitute behaviors did not spiral out of control into full-blown addiction, but a few of them did (like gaming.)
My understanding with gaming is: "Even if the internet and every computer on earth were destroyed, my disease of gaming addiction would not magically vanish. It would just seek other outlets. My mental illness needs treatment in order to improve. The treatment that works well for millions and has worked well for me is working the 12-step program with the help of an experienced sponsor."
I'm now getting back into working the steps with my NA sponsor. I already see improvements in my life, just working the first step and getting honest with myself, my sponsor, my loved ones and fellow addicts in NA, OLGA and AA.
Scott
What you feed grows, and what you starve withers away.
Thanks for the topic Dark.
As an alcoholic who spent time dry but without the recovery of AA and the steps to help me treat my alcoholism--I can attest to the fact that for those of us who are the real thing (be it real alcoholic, real addict, etc), that being dry without the steps to help begin to rearrange my insides is a nightmare. I felt like I was going insane.
So many folks think that just removing the substance or focus of the addiction is sufficient, but if we be "the real thing", that's actually the beginning of a different kind of night mare. They don't get that the problem centers in part in our minds, and that our thinking is deeply flawed. Because the malady needs us to be riddled with fears and resentments in order to set up the next cycle of crave > use > and so on, it's not that suprising.
This is one of the reasons I love the list of *dry* symptoms of the malady peppered in the AA Big Book: irritable, restless, discontent, inability to think straight, lack of a sense of proportion, We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people...and so on.
With the help of stepwork, I can actually find a path to beginning to sort my problems, allowing some things to simply be "removed", and work toward being whoever my HP wants me to be today. It also means that I can experience relief from the craving.
If the best I could hope for was to be driven around by my cravings while trying to avoid, abstain, meanwhile grinding my teeth in irritation and a continuing desire to fight everyone and everything--I'm pretty sure I would have returned to drinking as well as gaming a long time ago.
What's exciting is that we have a chance at something better than a life time of avoidance--with increased spiritual fitness come the daily chance to be placed in a position of neutrality. We're still addicts, so the off thoughts are still going to wander through, trying to find us in a weak moment. Because of this, the foundation the steps give us to try and have a connection with an HP becomes so very important.
I'm a case in point that avoidance is not the solution--I work with computers in a situation where at any point I could certainly game. I feel grateful today that I don't have the craving to battle during my work day, that instead I can try to focus on being of service in my employment, regardless of whatever complaints and irritations may crop up.
That said, Dr. Bob did spend his first 2 years in AA (as it was then) with near daily cravings. He wrote in his story that working with new alcoholics got him through that time period until the craving was lifted--so don't forget that 12th step.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
Love that Desire to Stop.... I think all of us recovering game addicts need to read your post.. and find a way to work our way through what it is within us that makes us struggle in the ways you listed.. I know i find myself with those (dry) symptoms.. and had them way before i started gaming excessively...
This really jumped out at me....I think I'm beginning to understand. I've never had other addictions such as alcohol or smoking (unless you count food - I am a Weight Watcher's dropout), so this whole addiction thing is kind of new to me. I was thinking if I could just stop gaming everything would be fine, but I see that's not how it works. So as I am understanding this, without doing the 12-step program, you're not getting to the root of the problem and it will just show up in some other form. But when I read about the 12-steps, I'm a little overwhelmed. Where do I start?
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson
Dear Silver,
A good place to start may be on this site, take the opportunity to read some of the many posts here:
http://www.olganon.org/?q=forum/22
You can also check out my own blog where I posted my experience in Steps 1-4:
http://www.olganon.org/?q=blog/8700
If I get inspired I will continue with Steps 5-12.
Further there is a huge amount of material online about the steps, much of it to be found on AA or NA websites. Keep an open mind and substitute gaming for drugs or alcohol. The landscape is different but the diseases is the same.
- dark
Yeah Dark, I am in NA and I use our way of seeing drugs very similarly to how we see video games. A addiction is a addiction, not matter what the substance.
Mario