Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Principles - Action and Courage
Personal Inventory
This is the step that separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls. :)
This is the first "action" step in the 12 steps: it requires one to act, and that action involves taking an assessment of one's character defects and writing that information on paper. We write our own life story - honesty is the key that breaks denial. We learn about resentments and our role in our problems with people, places, and things.
What is a searching and fearless moral inventory? Basically, a moral inventory is an assesment of one's life up to this point, a taking stock of the goods in one's life and noting those characteristics that are troublesome. The step asks that one be searching and fearless, meaning that one must be thorough to the best of their ability and memory, not omitting any incidents or events that they recall and that one must also be courageous in facing one's past, as it is easy to bury such memories deep beneath us, and online gaming happens to be one way of pushing down such memories. Examples of troublesome characteristics and traits (also termed "character defects") that would belong in an inventory are: pride, resentment, gluttony, guilt, lust, envy, sloth, fear, etc.
There are numerous formats for writing one's inventory. The Alcoholics Anonymous text provides an example. However, the method that I will describe is one that I have used for about 13 years; it is simple and has worked for me and I still use it to this day. I have also taught this format to numerous 12 step members, and it has worked well for them.
The format basically involves writing one's resentments and fears from as far back as they remember. For each resentment, list the people, place, institution or thing at which you are resentful, then write the reason for your resentment. Then think of what the fear is behind that resentment and write that down, as well. Keep writing your resentments and the fears associated with each, starting as far back as you can remember and ending in the present. There will be incidents, events and situations that would involve only fear. Write those fears down also, even though they have no resentment in connection with them. When you feel like you have thoroughly listed all of your fears and resentments and that no memory or incident has been overlooked, then your inventory is complete and finished.
What follows is an example to illustrate the format that I have described:
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I'm resentful at (people, place, thing, institution, idealogy, etc.) because (reason why you are resentful).
I have fear that (what is the fear behind the resentment?).
I have fear that (what are you fearful about -- this fear stands on its own and has no resentment associated with it).
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Once you have completed your inventory, you can take a deep breath and relax. This is a major step, and it takes much courage and strength to face one's weaknesses.
The following is a word document used to Walk through the 4th step, I have it in .doc format if anyone should need it. Here it goes:
STEP 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
How do you FEEL?
Knowing how you feel is very important!!!
When someone asks you how you feel do you answer ok, fine or great? Those are NOT feelings.
Feelings:
I feel glad, sad, angry, afraid, ashamed, hurt
It is often difficult to define our feelings. We usually experience a variety of feelings in any given situation. Sometimes our feelings may even seem contradictory. A review of this list of feelings might enable you to associate a label or word with the particular feelings you are experiencing.
Feelings: Glad
Sad
Afraid
Angry
Hurt
Ashamed
Copy this list so you can look at it as often as you like, and select a word or words that describe how you feel
If you can think of other feelings please add them to your list. (Here is a story from an AA'ers point of view OLGA and references to drinking have "OLGA" or "gaming" next to them as reminders).
Practicing the program in a practical way
...That's where I first learned about the Twelve Steps of recovery; that On-Line Gamers Anonymous was my hope; that a psychic change and a spiritual awakening could cease the inevitable downward progression of my compulsive gaming. Trust God, clean house, help another compulsive gamer. The process of taking inventory, however frenetically, had already begun.
I got involved in OLGA. I shared, and asked for help. I collected phone numbers and then actually used them. I read literature, took suggestions, and became a member of the group.
I couldn't wait to do this mythical Fourth Step I kept hearing about. It seemed to tower in the distance with great monolithic significance. I heard, "If you don't do a Fourth, you'll pick up the keyboard again," and "You're only as sick as your secrets." I did a lot of writing, trying to sort out everything that was happening to me. So, the business of putting pen to paper did not seem so daunting. I found it quite helpful. Some fellow OLGAs seemed genuinely terrified at the thought of writing a Fourth Step, but I was looking forward to the adventure. Of all the Twelve Steps it seemed to glow the brightest, or fiercest.
The Fourth Step is comprised of three main components: resentments, fears, and sex.
Fear and sex were all-too-familiar subjects for me, but this resentment jive, what was that all about? The word was not part of my lexicon. I knew it had something to do with annoyance or anger but, perhaps because I was so disconnected from my emotions, the concept didn't exist for me.
One day I came across the French word "ressentiment" and something clicked. If you break the word apart, you have "sentiment" (feeling) and "re" (again) to FEEL AGAIN. When the time came, I managed to list hundreds of people (individuals and groups), places, institutions, principles, phenomena, and ideas that I resented. Oh, resentment. Now I get it.
I heard in a meeting that an inventory simply took stock of what existed, not the hows and whys. If you were a grocery clerk checking the shelves, you would only note thirteen cans of tomatoes. You wouldn't say, "Well two cans are dented, and one has a label half torn off, and I don't care for this brand so much." You put down only: Thirteen cans of tomatoes. Check. It took me a while to get the idea. I'll tell you how I finally got there.
The sponsor I was working with suggested I write a sex history in order to illuminate my troubles. I dashed off over sixty pages shying away from no episode, no matter how shameful. Fascinating as it all was, I don't know how much it really helped to keep me game-free. Ultimately, I worried it was merely a document of shameless exhibitionism masquerading as honesty. However, I did feel tremendously unburdened and much less embarrassed, and having crystallized my plight, I did have a map of the territory.
The next formal inventory I approached took place a few years later when I was again wrestling with my life game-free. I did it according to the three-column system outlined on page 65 of the AA Big Book. Again, although it proved illuminating, in the end I felt no genuine relief or greater clarity. Once again, I was disappointed. Maybe I expected too much. Where was my "rocket to the fourth dimension?"
Some years later, still game-free in OLGA, I fell into a depression. A steady rage took over my imagination, blotting out the usual interior parade of sexy apAparitions and soothing ruminations. Life seemed dull and meaningless: hung on as best as I could. I knew I didn't live in a vacuum and any drastic moves would deeply hurt and upset my few loved ones. Still, I felt alone and disappointed. I knew it was time to game.
One day, I got a new sponsor, something I had been resistant to for years.
When it came time to sit down and write a Fourth Step, my sponsor told me to ask God to bring me into the process and, when I was done writing for the day, to ask God to take me out of it. That way I wouldn't walk around in morbid reflection.
I began by addressing fear, with a list of what my sponsor called the twelve universal fears, including fears of people, financial insecurity, rejection, humiliation, abandonment, isolation, fear of exposure of a person's inadequacy, and so forth.
I wrote a riff on each one.
Then I wrote down all my other fears. Although I had talked about many of these issues, I had never written them all down in one place. I was afraid; what if someone should find this list of my weaknesses and use them against me? Call upon your Higher Power and have a sense of humor!
Having done so much work already in the realm of sex and love, I didn't spend too much time on the subject this time. I wanted to get this resentAment list going! Unfortunately, I couldn't keep my comments within the confines of the columns. I kept going off the rails into digressions.
So, I called my sponsor and told him: "I can't do this, I can't keep it simple because it's all too complicated to take apart and spread out in any coherent fashion!"
He gave me a precolumned grid so that I could plug names on each line and then check off applicable attributes which were neatly arranged across the page.
I am resentful at: Cause: Threatens/Affects my:
Social Instinct (Self Esteem | Personal)Security Instinct (Material | Emotional)Sex Instinct (Acceptable | Hidden Relations)Ambitions (Social, Security, Sexual)
There simply wasn't any room to write anything more than a name in column one, "I am resentful at ," and in column two, a "cause" comprised of maybe four or five of my own words. Column three, "Threatens my/Affects my," was divided as: Social Instinct (subdivied into Self Esteem, Personal Relations); Security Instinct (subdivided into Material, Emotional); Sex Instinct (subdivided into Acceptable and Hidden Relations); and Ambitions (Social, Security, Sexual). After I had all my names and causes written down I went back to the beginning and checked off in the third column all that applied in each instance.
The fourth column is not illustrated in the Big Book as the first three columns on page sixty-five are. It's dealt with a page later: "To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore.... This business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal." I bought all that and read on. I looked at my list again and experienced what the book says: "We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us." In the book we are told to pray for these people we resent. So, I did that -- I have to or else my whole day is ruined.
Then, I looked at my part. The fourth column on the grid I used was labeled "What is the exact nature of my wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects, shortcomings?" It is divided into four checkable boxes:
SelfishDishonest
Self-Seeking and Frightened
Inconsiderate/ Intolerant
I spent a lot of time considering each of these qualities in relation to each specific instance I referenced in column one. In this way, finally, a clear image was formed of my relationship to the world. I remember hearing people in meetings talk of seeing patterns. Only after completing this process myself did I understand what they were talkAing about. Familiar ideas left their abstract domain and became living elements that could be understood. From here I could move on to practice the following Steps in a practical way.
Many would exclaim, "We're being brainwashed!" To which a wise counselor would reply, "Look where you are - you need your brain cleaned!" I call upon God daily now to help me and a casual conversation with the Higher Power has become a regular part of my interior monologue. "Oh, here's that fear of humiliation. God, can you take it away? Thanks .... Oh, there's that pride again, can I get a little help here, please, HP?" That kind of thing.
It's not easy pushing that big rock up the hill each day. I think, Hey, I got out of bed yesterday, I gotta do it again today? Well, yeah. Steve K. New York, New York
Do not be restricted by this list. It is just to help you get started. (the space to fill out the column follows after).
PEOPLE: Father,Mother, Girl Friends/Lovers, Brothers, Sisters, Sponsors, Employers, Friends, Acquaintances, Aunts, Childhood Friends, Clergy, Co-workers Cousins, Creditors, Doctors, Employees, spouses, In-Laws,Judges, Lawyers, Parole Officers, Police, Probation Officers,Teachers, Uncles.
INSTITUTIONS: Authority, Bible, Child Protection, Church, Correctional System, Education System, Government, Law, Marriage, Health/Mental Health System, Nationality Philosophy, Races, Religion, Society.
PRINCIPLES: Adultery ,Death, God-Deity, Golden Rule, Heaven, Hell, Homophobia, Life After Death, Original Sin, Retribution, Satan, Seven Deadly Sins, Ten Commandments.
Complete each column top to bottom before proceeding to the next column. Thus, for instance, fill in all the names of those you are resentful at before filling in the column for the cause of each resentment.
Column 1 In dealing with resentments we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry.
Column 2 We asked ourselves why we were angry.
Column 3 We asses our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal relations, or sex relations which had been interfered with?
Column 4 This Column is optional. List specific defects to show your participation in the resentments.
Column 5 Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? If the Cause of our Resentment was due to abuse of some kind we leave this column blank.
Reading from left to right we now see the resentment (Column 1), the cause (Column 2), the part of self that had been affected (Column 3), and the exact nature of the defect within us that allowed the resentment to surface and block us off from being content and moving forward with life in a healthier manner.(Columns 4 and 5).
I'm Resentful at:Girlfriend
The Cause:For leaving me
Affects My:Security, personal relations
Specific Flaws (optional)
controlling, needy, selfish
The Mistakes I Made
I yelled at her often, I cheated on her, I neglected her.
Fears:
abandonmentaging
anger
authority figures
being alone
being deceived
being found out
being myself
change
compliments
confrontation
creditors
death
denial, my
disapproval
disease
divorce
embarrassment
employmen
facing myself
failure
fear
feelings
financial insecurity
flying
fourth & fifth steps
future, the
getting fat or thin
God
going home
going out on a "whim"
having children
homelessness
homosexuality
honesty
humiliation
hurting others
I'm a fraud and others will find out
incarceration
intimacy
IRS, the
letting go
living
loneliness
losing hope
love
mediocrity
money
needing anyone
not being good enough
not being happy
not being liked
not being perfec
people (specify who)
police, the
povert
procrastination
rape
rejection
relationships
resentments, my
responsibility
risk
saying that I can't do something
sex
sponsor, my
success
unemployment
unknown, the
violence
work
REVIEW OF FEARS
Instructions for Completion
Complete column 1 from top to bottom before proceeding to the next column.
Column 1 We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.
Column 2 We asked ourselves why we had them.
I'm fearful of:
Why do I have the fear?
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
Wow, Jay! You put a lot of work into this!
Great outline and suggestions for doing a fourth step.
I am going to have to print it out, and do one myself!
Are you done with yours, yet?
Liz
Liz Woolley
Thankee, however this is just an edited version of the stuff that you e-mailed me. My step four is dragging, but not stopped
I would like to salute you. I will say thank you. I feel you. You are a good man
Helene
This is truly, one of the most powerful, enlightening things that one can do, for any reason. Those times when I've done a sincere inventory of my life and have kept up with it, I accomplished more things than I ever thought possible. The key is, of course, to be sincere and honest in your appraisal of those areas, including a full assessment of the emotional feelings you have associated with those major areas of your life, i.e. your fears and resentments. I've come to know, even without knowing much about the 12-Steps that most people will not commit to the work necessary to fix the things in their lives that they are not happy with. Instead, they learn to rationalize those things and just accept a lower standard for themselves. Yet, they will spend more time planning a barbecue or party than in even thinking about the potential they are capable of. But to those who dare to become more and who take the effort to do the work, grow considerably, even if they do not reach their goal. They benefit for having just tried. Ron Ron Jaffe AKA Diggo McDiggity
eMail: eqaddict@cfl.rr.com
Discussion Board Administrator
Everquest player from July, 1999 to April, 2002
Over 4,900 Hours Played
Liz Woolley
We learned to make attempts at prayer in the third step and we need to facilitate our forth step by using this new tool. No change is greater than resolving ourselves to our resentments and why they affect us. This is so true and the comments above are wonderful. Remember to pray throughout your list, especially pray for that person or thing you are resenting, praying as you would for one lost to terminal cancer or an illness or malady. This really ties the bond with our Higher Power to make the step effective and we will not have to revisit the resentment over and over. Pray like your life depends on it because it might. We USE the tools we have learned and we apply them.
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
Our inventory is like a house filled with garbage and we are going to clean it out. We start with a shovel and a dumpster. After the mess is cleared and the floor is clean and the walls are painted and furniture is moved in, we clean it again, but this time we get to use a dustcloth! 4th step work is an ugly affair, because we get messy the first few attempts, but in the end we come up with more than a deodorant, we are really clean, maybe for the first time in our life. The outline above is a good one to use. Don't let it confuse you. Take the time to read it. Print it out and utilize the wisdom involved within. You are Worth It!
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
I am pretty confident that I will cheat at step 4. I don't think I can do that and keep it honest alone... Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I am afraid. Maybe I need to work on step 3 some more.
Wow, thank you for sharing all of that. Much appreciated. Gives me some work to do :)
This morning I was asking myself "why? why do I feel like gaming right now?" I think this is going to help me a lot.
"The old law of "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind." --Martin Luther King, Jr. "An essential aid to following the path of the inner voice is practicing forgiveness. Resentment comes from the Latin word resentir - to feel over and over again. By repeatedly re-experiencing the old resentments, we are less apt to hear our intuition, which exists only in the present." "When Jean married, she had not completed her unfinished business with her father. Consequently, she projected her old resentments onto her husband. Her desire to love him was distorted by the hurt and anger from the past. This is why it is said that until we complete our source relationships, we are never truly in another relationship." "Forgiving can also help you take back your power. As long as you believe that someone else's actions are the cause of your present difficulties, you are powerless to change. Letting go of blame allows you to take responsibility for your life." "All this adds up to a single point. Forgiveness is an act of self-kindness. It liberates your life force. It completes the past. Choose now to heal your old unfinished business. It is time to let go of the pain. Place your hurt on an altar and surrender it to God. Set your self and others free." ~ Adapted from Todays thoughts from Hazleton
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
...nice work, Strugglin this also has helped me understand when i dont understand... http://books.google.com/books?id=Zi_gPJcf8v8C&pg=PA131&lpg=PA131&dq=aa+step+4+interpretations&source=web&ots=UgzXU4yhY1&sig=dQ0gB-_y5wh7CRVn2LmdwK38s6k&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=5&ct=result#PPA134,M1
Be Good to yourself! Rule #62: "Don't take yourself too **** seriously! " 12x12 Book And dont forget to donate... Donate
Yeah Strugglin's outline was amazing! Thanks for finding this gamingkrib.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
I found these forms to be extremely useful in my Step 4 ...they are in PDF form, however I'm recreating them into a microsoft word format so that I can type my words into them. If you prefer to write yours then the PDFs work fine..just print them out and jump in. http://www.step12.com/step-4.html
Just wanted to post the way I was taught to do the 4th step--which is just the way I was taught. I learned to use the Big Book 4th step. Right after doing my 3rd step, my sponsor told me I needed to show up to our next meeting with a 3 ring binder and loose leaf paper.
Of course I intentionally decided not to do this, and claimed "I forgot" at the next meeting. She didn't. She came armed with a binder and loose leaf paper, which she gave to me. She said that women were notorious for abandoning 4th steps because "our writing looked sloppy" or "putting things in the wrong spot", so the loose leaf paper in a 3 ring binder gave us freedom to move things around.
We read the section on the 4th step up through resentments, and stopping at mention of fear.
She told me to label some sheets of paper
Sheet 1 Resentment - PeopleSheet 2 Resentment - Institutions (government, marriage, banks, etc.)Sheet 3 Resentment - Principles (Honesty is the best policy, 7th tradition, etc.)
For the first leg of this I was only to write the *names* of people, institutions, and principles I felt resentful toward, leaving space to later go in and add more information.
I was reminded at this stage it was merely a list of names.
Once this was complete, I would then tell the story of why I was resentful. Over time I've gotten more abbreviated in my story telling.
Once I was finished with this portion of adding the reason why I was resentful to the list of names, it was time to add column 3, the "affects my" section. The list of affected things were pulled from the Big Book, p64-65
self-esteempocketbookambition (this can be a big area, since I have the ambition to be liked as well as the ambition to have things my way--it's not just about career objectives)personal relationshipssex relationshipssecurity
The last column was saved to fill in during the 5th step--over time I can now add to that last column, but sometimes even now I don't know what my part is (my defect of character).
That concluded the Resentment part of the 4th step.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
The next portion of the 4th step was about Fear. My sponsor had me read the portion after Resentment, about Fear, and stopping at mention of the Sex inventory.
"We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them." (p68)
Once I had completed writing on my Resentments, I was told to label a new sheet of paper Fear.
This was quite simple, start with "I'm afraid of" and write it down.
For me personally this section went very quickly listing my many, many, many fears!
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
The Sex inventory portion of the 4th step followed a slightly different path, utilizing the instructions on p69. My sponsor had me read the remaining section of Chapter 5.
While doing this inventory, the instructions suggest we should be contemplating what our chosen sexual ideal should be, compared to how we have acted.
The inventory asks us to review our conduct:
Whom had we hurt?
That would suggest listing names. But if I couldn't figure out the names, I used the guide lines below as a means to evaluate:
Where had we been
SelfishDishonestInconsiderate
Did we unjustifiably arouse
JealousySuspicionBitterness
And the true litmus test:
We subjected each relation to this test--was it selfish or not?
For each name I wrote down, I was told to use the questions above as my guidelines for the Sex inventory.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
What I've listed out are the nuts and bolts of how I was shown to do my 4th step, and this is largely still how I do things today--mostly because it is simple in a way that will work for me. Again, it's simply the way I was shown, not THE WAY, so if you learned a different way, that's great.
What is more important is that we put pen to paper and be willing to do the most searching and fearless written inventory that we can.
Pages 63-71 include more than just the instructions on each section of the 4th step, they also contain thoughts to consider when writing, as well as after writing. There are many times where I will call my AA sponsor upset about something and she will say things like "God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one; have you asked God to help you do that?" or if I was struggling with one of my alcoholic family members she will say "Ohhh so they are spiritually sick...perhaps that's why they wronged you. And though you don't like their symptoms and the way this disturbs you, you can ask God to help you show them they same tolerance, pity and compassion you would cheerfully (CHEERFULLY LEANN! ) grant a sick friend."
She isn't beating me over the head with this, she is trying to help me remember some key words, key phrases so that when trouble does come I have a chance of remembering these things in the moment.
I wanted to include this only to point out that along with some rather specific instructions on how to proceed doing a 4th step, the writings in the Big Book also include things to think about, as well as things to meditate on leading into the future step work.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
thank you for this guidance, the fourth is before me now..waiting
The advice above is really useful. I'm having a lot of difficulty getting this step happening- however Desire to Stop shows me a good step by step way that isn't quite so hard. I'm making a little progress.
My question is, is this really necessary and positive? I already know how bad I am. By revising and making a written inventory it is just reinforcing all my badness. My self-esteem is totally rock bottom anyway and I'm not sure that doing step 4 is doing anything for it. I keep going back to step 3 and then thinking that with my HP i can do step 4. However I'm really struggling. This feels way harder than I can cope with and if I wasn't as determined as I am, I would avoid this step by going to hide in a game.
I really want this process to work so I'll keep plugging away at this step, but honestly I think I'm feeling a lot worse because of it.
Dear Chopsticks,
Perhaps a different perspective may help! If a business runs an inventory they are looking for assets as well as liabilities.
I recently bought What Colour is Your Parachute by Richard Bolles. It has been around for 20 years or so and is one of the standard texts for job seekers. In the newer edition there is a huge appendix on 'Finding Your Mission in Life'. It is very much like a Step 4 Inventory.
In order to begin a journey you must first find out where you are. And a map helps. All the motivation in the world is not going to help you find your way around Chicago with a map of Detroit.
I have gone through this step several times in other 12 Step fellowships and it is surely not about knowing how terrible you are.
I hope this helps?
- dark
Ok that sounds helpful thanks Dark. I'll go to the library after work today and look for that book. It sounds like it might give me a more positive approach to Step 4. It should also keep me busy and off the computer during the weekend ahead. Thanks
Remember that prayer is a big part of the steps, especially step four. Get a copy of the Big book for some really excellent & simple instructions on how to work the steps.
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
Excuse the ignorance; what do you mean by a Big book?
Can order from Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Alcoholics-Big-Book-AA-Services/dp/1893007170
Or there is a free online edition:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
It's kind of the bible for AA, and of course other organizations such as OLGAnon have come to use it as well. But you can read more about it in the preface and forward sections.
The only winning move is not to play.
I would like to read the big book someday. I have read NA's basic text, but AA's big book.. never.
Mario
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.
Thanks for the link, I will have to take a look at that.
Mario
Some thoughts from the middle of a moral inventory.
"I have learned, that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself 'That's just fine'. You have to forgive yourself so much, until you don't even see those things anymore. Because that's what love is like." -- C. JoyBell C.
Because that is what love is like. Love is that big. Love is a mind-blowing experience.
This quote really hit me. I was criticized pretty relentlessly as a child (at least it felt that way), and I certainly internalized that voice. That critic is not my conscience. My conscience tells me I did something wrong. The Critic tells me I AM wrong. I'm not put together wrong. I'm not a bunch of broken junk hastily cobbled together in some cheap filthy factory. I am actually an amazing creature, with incredible powers and capabilities, one of the most amazing of which is that I can create good in the world. In many, many ways.
I also have limitations, some of which were called, in the old days, character defects. They are the ones that are dysfunctional and unhelpful, the ones created by the damage of being in this world. They apparently can be changed, healed, managed or removed, but only if I am willing and I ask. That comes later. Right now the job is just to see clearly and to say honestly. To see my part, and to say it was my part. And to see what was not my part, and accept it, too. That means both to accept that it happened, and to accept that it was not my part.
It's hard to accept what is, and it's almost as hard to accept what isn't.
Just some thoughts. Free to whoever wants them.
I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.
From the far side of Step 4, I want to share this, taken from a You Tube AA Talk. Link at the bottom:
From Scott R., 12-step recovery, "It works if you work it, Part I
Resentment is no big deal, it's just the source of all spiritual illness and the great destroyer of alcoholics (addicts). Don't be alarmed. It will cut you off from the sunlight of the spirit, it'll drag your [butt] out and kill you dead, but work a step a year. Relax. [laughter]
It's gonna kill me. It's gonna eat my brain and my heart and turn my life black and throw me out of my own life; there won't be a room for me in my own life, when I'm re-experiencing my hatred of you. And here's an added terror: Somehow, if I don't stay invigorated and having a robust, exciting experience in AA (recovery), it starts becoming OK for me to have certain resentments as a sober person. I try to wish 'em away, I try to pray 'em away, and I start having recidivism: I start having the same resentment coming up again and again; I start suffering from the same thing again and again, and I start losing hope. And if I don't start expanding my experience, my spiritual bag of tools, and my way to implement them as a member of AA, I start feeling like I'm on a spiritual hamster wheel, and [my recovery] starts to go below the horizon and stops presenting as a real piece of business, and I go mad.
....
"What are the defects in me, that if God were to remove, the resentment would be gone?
....
The Big Book says, "The first thing that was apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong." But, again, don't read the next page. Because the next page says, "You are right, and you are dead. You're dead because you experience this in a way that is so injurious to you that you can't live your life while you're experiencing this thing.
**
If you like this and want more, there is more. 2 parts, total 6 hours.
Part 1 is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NpDvsOmBdI
I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.
These are the 14 bad things / weaknesses about myself that I can currently think of:
I'm lazy because I don't want to search for jobs, let alone work.
I'm a sloth because I don't want to study.
I have fear that it is not good to share my weaknesses with others and show them my bad side.
I am resentful at other people's successes because I am jealous.
I have fear of girl's rejection because that would make me lose my cool image.
I have fear of being viewed as less wealthy than others and I always want to prove to others that I can support myself financially.
I'm shallow because I am conscious about my physical appearance too much.
My mind is dirty because I have had very nasty fantasies about sex.
I'm not a good son because I sometimes disrespected my parents and ignored them.
I'm a liar because I sometimes lied about things in life.
I'm a sloth because I don't want to think consciously and carefully about everything I do.
I'm stupid because I don't act on it even though I know it's right or it might lead me to a new and exciting path.
I'm evil because I sometimes don't care about the well-being and happiness of others when I could have.
I'm selfish because I sometimes only care about my personal well-being.
Maxi
13 years since first started gaming (2002 - 2015)
Reborn on July 29th, 2015.
hi