I don’t know where to start. My boyfriend and I met through “Match.com”. In the beginning, we spent a decent amount of time together. He was down to participate in my insane ideas and laughed a lot. That was June-July 2017. I found myself in a predicament where I had move out of a family member’s home. My boyfriend did ask me to move in with a month to move in with him. So, when this situation arose, he came to my rescue.
I am 7 years older than he is. I immediately noticed that he changed and he was spending a ridiculous amount of time on Xbox with his long-time gaming friends. I soon started finding myself alone more and more. I reached out him that he was spending TOO much time playing Xbox. His justification for his behavior was that he was overly sensitive and he dealt with life and past was to play. I accepted that excuse for the time.
I am the type of person that deals with crisis head on and I don’t play. I know I can be very confrontational when I believe something is not right. So, I understand I can be a bit scary when I feel my needs and feelings are being neglected. I can’t help feeling so hurt that he chooses to spend more time online with his online friends. I’m starting to believe I’m not that important in his life. I can’t handle the neglect, callousness, along with my own illness. My gut feeling is to walk away. He even told that he could deal with other people’s feelings. In other words “I chose not emotionally available because of all the pain he feels”. I should have left then, huh? No, I started becoming more nurturing and trying to be understand him but it doesn’t help that hear him laugh and joke with his online friends and does not do that with me. I feel like I’m being cheated on. Idk what to do. I’m in a lot of pain. Any insights would be very appreciated.
Mila Levy
Hi Mila
I am sorry that your boyfriend is not emotionally available to you. It sound like it's really hard for you to live in this situation because it's not doing you any good. If you find a place to live apart from him maybe he would make more of an effort to be with you when you agree to meet if you want to stay friends. I don't think he is going to become a life partner material over night. He has emotional problems with addiction and he has to want to get over those. Maybe he has to feel he is really losing you to wake up and take notice. Even then , he may not have the stregth to give you what you need as the energy for recovery will take it's toll on him...he still may not be able to give you what you need.
We have a thread which talks communicating with the addict; how you may be able to raise your concerns
Also there is one about setting boundaries
Follow the link in my signature below to find them. They may give you ideas how you can proceed with him.
you need to take care of you and find ways to strengthen yourself. There are good people out there like yourself. Keep searching and be more open to possibilities. Maybe have a look for CODA meetings near you; they will help you make healthier relationships for yourself. All the best.
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