My Story - A Polish-Irish Teen who's is f***ed up in his head....at least in my opinion :P

Hey guys! New to the forum, cause like all the other's (from what I read) I need some advice concerning my video game addiction.

Lemme say straight away that I am in a pretty bad mood right now, I'll explain later.....but I will try and censor the language as much as possible.Also This is very long...but I just want to tell my entire story, and please....someone help me :/ .

Anyway, my story:

My name is Eryk. Im 16, 17 in march soon. I was born in Poland. As a baby, the second I was born, I was taken away because I had hypoxia (couldn't breath). My Mam spent the day crying.....and when my dad came (he was in the navy, and came for the next day i think....) they spent the 3rd night....meditating. They dont believe in god, they are somewhat like Budhists....especially my Dad. Anyway, the doctors said I was going to die and already gave up, but My parents chanted 'magical energy' (as they call it)...and the next day the doctors said it was a miracle that I lived. Yay happy ending. (Not).  

That might not relate to anything, but it was the first time I 'escaped' death, and also gives me somewhat a boost, since because I lived, I was given the name 'Merlin' as a middle name, u knw...cause I magically urvived, and im a wizard...erhm..i know its dumb, but hey, its something I can be happy about.

I got Into video games the second I knew how to walk and read (really early age, i think 1 and a half ....cause dad says how I was 3 adn I could do basic math :P) My dad was a gamer( still is) and games like Heroes 3, Baldurs Gate, or Elder Scrolls where the Best. Also Playstation tomb raider, Granturismo and final fantasy series :P .

Apart from that, my early childhood sucked. My dad went off to the navy for a few years, then came back and worked. We lived with my parents and my 2 year younger brother, in my grandparents (dad's side of family) appartment. The thing is, dad's family is just.....f***ed up. They mentally bullied my mother around, and us too...of course I wouldnt remember much, apart from my grandfather beating us from time to time with a belt, or being force-fed because "food cant be wasted" (old polish lifestyle sh*t).My dad didnt see this, nor he would believe my mam, since he lived with his familt for 24 years, they cant be as evil as she is making them to be? Anyway, my mam was soooo messed up she was close to suicide....until when I was 6, my dad started noticing that my granny threw my brother across the room cause he had ...shoes on in teh living room (they werent even dirty). After a huge fight...my dad was mad. He told them all to basically F*** off, and we left for Ireland.....my dad got a job there as a Chef in the west of ireland....and my mam soon got low-qualification jobs, like a cleaner, because she had no real grasp of the language.

With all this going on, I always saw people unhappy or angry. I always dreamt of one thing: to make people happy. I got into magic tricks, cause it would always sparkle up a smile. However my parents kept moving houses...and eventually (I was 12 years) we moved to the middle of ireland, and i had to move schools....I left most of my stuff behind, ie hobbies, tricks ect. At this time, I started playing the BEST GAME EVER along with my dad, the World of Warcraft. Boy this game took like 4 years out og my life, but it was worth it. (Not rly....But I wont admit it :P ) And I got alot into books. I loved the Harry Potter series, Ranger's Apperentice and Xanth series. Lord of the Rings will always have a place in my heart. Since we had 1 computer, mostly occupied by dad, I read books. I became addicted to other world, gaming worlds, book worlds, fictional worlds. I read at night in the dark, and thats why I have a -2.5 damage on both my eyes today. 

Now this is what the real problem was. I was semi addicted to games, and I loved books. So much, that I realised many stuff :          such as that life on earth sucks....the fictional and video game worlds are so much better...That there is such little chance that 'god' exists (sorry to all yee Christians out there, love yee :P) and i got very scared, especially that my dad who said he believes in reincarnation, and life after death.....my logic was:

If there is no after life....theres either athiesm...or constant life and death life and death....so my life is one of many ponitless, right?  In contrast to the fictional characters in books and games....where my life has a meaning...I was a hero, an adventurer where I could save the 'world' ...Compare a lets say for example..."A Rouge assasin in Wow compared to my stupid 16 year old school life....like seriously...there isint even a contrast...

Around this time, my favourtie uncle, the only uncle from my dads family (youngest) who lived in England, crashed on a motorbike.....his death really touched me and that added to my depression thing ma-jig.

So I had such a depression I mean i thinkt thats what it was....not wanting to live....at one point I took a knife and went into my room, in order to cut up my veins....but I couldnt do it...I dont know if it ment Im weak, or if I still have a will to live...dont ask...it was kidna close tho and thankfully 2nd time I stopped death (Im amazing...but seriously, if I sound cocky, im sorry, but Im done with this sh*t)

Then at like 13/14 I went into secondary school, and I had so much stuff on my mind...So I didnt have much problems then....1st year went fine....in 2nd year when I got used to the school routine, I got a laptop for my 15th birthday...and I started watching Anime and youtubers playing games ....again same story....especially if anyone knows the anime "Zero no Tsukime - The Familiar of Zero"  Again I decided life was pointless, if Im going to die in 80 years or so....and noone will CARE. 

So when at one point I was cycling down the hill to school and a car was going across the road suddenly, I didnt even care....I just ...rode straight into the car.....thankfully I wish the guy didnt drive off, because I would thank him for slowing down....I just bounced off and got a few bruises and a cuts on the head too....after this 3rd close death, I figured that Life just WANTS me to live, has a plan for me......So it has been fine till....I decided to go back to cheering people up....its kind of ironic that cheering people up made me happy....and all was fine, until the summer:

The summer was amazing, I met a cousin i never knew existed...and a few friends in Poland.....andI had great craic at the camp.

But this girl, who I had a giant crush on for a year or so, and we chatted all summer....at the start of aughust, she...erhm...got fingered be a friend of hers who came over....and i mean, i couldnt like blame her, but i was SOOO  upset....to be honest, she went and appoligized to me the next day....said that she actually wanted to ask me out ages ago, but ...erhm...she didnt 0.o -.- ....but after a while she said she's glad she was...erhm..yea...because after she discussed what happened with the guy (he had a gf btw), she said it made her realize who she really liked :so supposedily it was "me". I was so happy....but oh god....the next 3 months sooo just as this school year started....it was HORRIBLE.  The thing was she: 1) Was always upset, and depressed.....and ALL I WANTED to do in the world was to cheer her up....but she never did....she always ignored me...just suddenly left to sleep...whenever I came over or wanted to meet her alone, she refused or just acted really oddly....We did meet up at one point for her birthday....under the condition that my FRIEND would be there.....just...pathetic...but she was so sad that I just went along with it...I really loved her guys. -.- . 2) She kept confessing about her previous relationships, how she's been sextin guys or flirting with guys lately....I just told her that I trust her and I guess I dont mind...that I love her and trust her....i guess she wanted maybe a bad boy who would give out to her? I dont know...3) the constant coldness...constantly giving out, saying how sad she is....I could hardly talk about my own life experiences and when I did...she would either just kinda compare it to something she experienced, or just throw it away....4) She didnt want to go out once school started....I asked her out, and hinted many times....I even had a restauraunt and hotel room with xbox ready (she's a gamer too) and it cost me soooo much....and then she said she can't, because she is busy....I just....guys tell me, what else could I have done?

And then she would get angry and confussed why at random times I would just be cold and give out......Like for real....all i wanted was to cheer her....but she was just always sad and cold.....she told me she didnt want to go out....so we discussed and broke up*....I was super sad ect......the depressing thoughts came back, but a friend of mine helped me....I knew she was into me, cause my cousin told me, but I told her ages ago that my gf is for me and no other girl....even now that we broke up. But she cheered me nonetheless...it was nice for a change to have a girl who acctually listened, and talked, wanted to talk, had enthusiasm....didnt do random stuff and excuse herself with saying "oh WELL." or "sorry, im messed up, just accept it"....how much can a person take like?....and then my ex got in a relationship with a lad after like....2/3 weeks....so total bulsh**, when she said she wants a break.....we talked, she wanted to appoligize...but i really wanted to leave off ona friendly note...and said that sure its grand, since she never loved me the way I loved her.....so it was the right thing to do....and I mentioned (i guess i was rly jealous) that i can't be the right guy, because if she is enjoying this new guys company after 3 weeks, and so am i by just TALKING to a friend on fb.....then i guess its all good right?

Wel no. She got angry for whatever reason, said im an asshole...and of course didnt have the balls to talk, but went offline....so i just left it.....tbh i quit fb for a while in general....but lately i came back because I was talking to friends......and last night we actually talked....cause i sent her a message a few days later that if we can talk, i want to sort things out....and we talked for a while...but i guess she was still angry or something, because I spent 15 minutes trying to get her to tell whats her problem...and after she did, which was ofcourse some bulsh** that I insulted her by saying i found someone knew (I just said someone cheered me up, and that its abit odd that i know her for so little, but the girl brought mroe happiness than my ex ever did)...and went off.....I really dont understand her...it was her that didnt want to go out,,,,who cheated on me multiple times.....who wanted a break, but got in a relationship in 3 weeks.....Seriously...I really tried, but if she cant see that nor accept it...then I guess I've done all I tried and she's not worth my time....what do yee think?...I really loved her....But I couldnt help her. And she is mad about it.

Now the last thing that really ****ed me off was my goals for this year. When summer ended, i had a full journal with goals to achieve this year, every month ect. I have done nothing and half the year had passed. I guess games and fb took that time.  

Now my laptop jsut came from repair, so its great and ready to use. The temptation to play games and stay at home from school is great. Soon Christmas is coming, and im getting both A PHONE, AND XBOX LIVE.....I know already that i will spend this year just playing games....but there are SO many amazing games to play on xbox 1 multiplayer: star wars battlefront, cod's, neverwinter, smite, and so many more.....and the phone...i never had a phone nor have (like a proper smartphone) ....so it would be amazing....Do u guys think theres a way I could keep to my goals eg. fitness, music gitaur piano, sports, school ect and still enjoy SOME time playing? I would say that I do have the will power to keep to a schedual....the WORST THING about my day is getting up and coming back home from school....i feel sooo tired and just want to sit in bed and go on fb/youtube....serioulsy...I have wasted so much time....and I want help...I need help....I am starting to get the symptoms of my depression like before...mitching school, secaping into fav books and games...

I dont want to quit games and all my gaming experience....I really love gaming.....and it would be a waste if i didnt play xbox multi this year....or would it be? :/

So, this was a long essay, but to sum it up:

1)Childhood ****ed up, constant moving, family upset and f***ed up, parents working too hard to gain a living

2)Books and Game life better than actual life....Suicide attempts....Afraid of death tho.

3)Uncle Died at teh age of 24ish.....awful hit.....really bad effect -.-

4)Games and FB take my last few years so much

5) Ex Girlfriend was soooo cold/ignorant that It was ironicaly me that broke up* with her....and when she gets into a relationship, and i tell her its cool, she gets ****ed....like would she be happy if I was dying and crying here or what? I dont get it....-.- 

6) Goals not achieved...waste of time.....

7)Alot of great games and technology coming up, and i dont want to quit gaming....but i know its wrong...

Guys...im not gonna lie....the fact that my ex is angry at me for a reason I dont get....even if she is jealous, she has a lad she is going out with....like the hypocrisy is real....I...I really LOVED her....and she shoved me away....what does she expect? for me to be here everytime she needs a guy to care for her blindly? I dont understand anymore...guys pls...is there soemthing wrong with me? Games are amazing, so areb ooks, cause my life is sh**.....but Im too scared of death and also the sadness my parents would get.....to do anything about it...

I know my story is sooooo f***ed up, fucll of useless and cringy sh*t that noone prob cares about.....but can anyone at least .....respond....and help me?

I have tried a few other sites, but noone answered....maybe this will be the good site?....I'll see....because I really need advice.

Thanks guys! Love yee all,and have a great day!

Eryk M