Hello,
I am a mother of 2 grown sons(24 & 27) whom are living at home and addicted to online games. I wanted a place to type out my quest to help these 2 men to help themselves. I do need help & support so here goes...
27 yr old holds a BS in Criminal Justice, possibly became addicted right after graduation 2years ago(maybe before? idk). After graduating he held a 16hr a week , non-profit abuse & addiction job. Mainly he did observation & mediation of children's visitation with their non-custodial parent that, as ordered by the court, the visitations took place at his facility. The job ended and he returned home to "regroup". He's been home about 8 months. I CRIED when he walked in the door for the first time as he looked AWFUL...pale, skinny(60 lb weight loss in 2 years), weak, dark circles under his eyes, always sweating, & heavy breathing upon activity. His appearence was shocking to me. Long story short....4 months at home of gaming,no job but began to eat healthy & put on 25 lbs. Got a Hardware & Lumberyard job & got fired after 3 months for not wearing the company shirt after being told several times(I translate this as he was most always "scruffy" looking, stinky, unshaven, wrinkled clothing & tired) He would stay up untl 2-3am every night & get up at 7:45am. He did not groom well & jumped up at the last minute to carpool with his sister and slept all the way to work in her car. He never missed a day nor was he late. He's playing EVEonline in his room as I type.
*note* 26 yrold sister is great & has our sweetie 4 yr old grandarling & is pregnant with #2. She works circles around her 2 brothers. No problems with her at all. She is my breath a fresh air.
24yr old~Graduated High school at 20 years old. He failed a couple of grades, didn't do well in school but did manage to graduate. Held a job as a dishwasher in a local resturant but got dismissed at the end of the summer rush season for being late too much. He hasn't hit a lick since. Weeks turned into months & years. I had a hectic job during this time & really didn't focus on him other than a few deep talks here & there & then last summer I decided to take control and help reabilitate him as he was also the pale, frail, unhealthy kind. I started slow & made him sit in the sun for 30 min each day for about a week while making sure he was fed well to build his strength. Talked to him in a nonthreatening way of possible choices in life etc... Then began with light housework & yardwork and after about 2 months began taking him places to put in employment applications. He was looking a bit better. No job resulted from this and the summer rush season ended yet again. Back to his addiction for him, back to my hectic life for me.
Here I am.
My journey has just begun again to try to enlighten these 2 capable young men that they have an addiction.I am determined to have them help themselves. I can't do it for them.
I have begun talking with them separately then together and stated that I am going to educate them on this addiction. I told them that currently I will not pull a "cold turkey" on them even though I have total control over yanking the internet service. Thats just not fair, but I am not promising to "never" do that.
I have also restricted internet useage to the hours of 6pm- 1am nightly. To me... that is still a whopping 7 hrs, but better than 10-12 hrs online. This is day 2 of that.
27 yr old promises he is getting a job in a few weeks when the job he wants will open for the season. He gamed for most of the day but did do several chores. Wants to save his money and return to college to a get a paralegal degree. He states that his BS in Criminal Justice is too broad and a paralegal degree is what he wants.
24yr old is too weak to get a job. Under my prompting he did clean his room & took out 2 large bags of empty soda cans & crushed his mountain of empty soda 12 pack cartons and took them outside to the trashcan.
6pm back to gaming.
I hope to return here daily as somewhat of a journal.
Please feel free to comment.
Kelly
Glad you're here, Kelly.
In the All Addictions 12 Step meeting I attend there's a pretty hard and fast rule that no one gives advice, but that rule is broken when it comes to parents of addicts when they first arrive. Always, they're told very straightforwardly that their child will not have a chance to recover unless and until they, the parent, get out of the way and take a hands off approach. You can not save your sons. You must push them from the nest and allow them to fly or fall. There are plenty of experts among that group, so I feel very safe in saying that's the best advice I know of. Get help for you - Al-anon, CoDA and keep coming back here. hugs
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Welcome Kelly! I hope by now you have read the post at the top of this forum that deals with adult children. I don't mean to be blunt, but why would discontinuing internet access at your house be "not fair"? You are pretty much completely supporting these two grown children. I personally think that what is not fair is that you have to continue to fully support two adults who are making almost zero effort to support themselves. The rule at our house for adult children was that, by the age of 18, everyone either needed to be on their way to college if they wanted to continue to live at home, or on their way out the door. When GamerSon flunked out of college due to gaming addiction, the conditions of him coming back home were that he needed to be either: A. Working full time and paying rent, or: B. Working part-time and going to school full-time. In either case, our house was a game-free zone. If he didn't like that, he was free to leave and establish his own internet connection elsewhere.
This is an addiction. If your boys were addicted to heroin, would you think it was "not fair" to tell them they are not allowed to shoot up in your home?
This is a tough addiction. You have to be tougher. Hugs to you.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Sounds very serious. I don't know what to say right at this moment, except remember to take care of yourself and the less stressful things in your life.
Hi Kelly,
I don't know what to say. It is imposible make an addict quit. Unless they decide they have had enough and they truly want to change, the miracle won't happen. But I am also a parent and I don't know if I could just stand back without trying something if my daughter was gaming her future away.
If they are ready, let them come here and maybe they will find the support they need to quit.
Good luck.
Perhaps a man who is worthy of the name should put aside this question of how long he will live ..., and turn his attention to this instead, to how he can live the best life possible in the time that is granted to him
Marcus Aurelius
I am sincerely thankful for your replies.
I did read the sticky at the top of this page many times along with other related articles.
I am basing what I want to do on acceptance & respect. I feel I should accept & respect that this is what they like to do right now. This is whom they are right now. This is what they have become. My main purpose is to educate them along with moderation and ultimately to be game free. I may fail & I may not, but I gotta do something.
The internet is needed as I have an online business. I would love to just ax the internet & kick them both out of my nest but feel I should at least start by trying to educate them and moderate them. I have never raised my kids with a strong hand and dont know if I am capable in my heart to just kick them out to fly or fall as I fear they will fall.
The sticky talked of moderation being difficult, if not impossible. I am aware of that. I feel I should at least try the difficult moderation before I throw my hands up & declare it impossible.
Quote from the sticky ~~> "A final word: Be sympathetic to your child. These games were designed by experts using well-known paychologic principles to draw your child in and keep him there. This is not his/her fault. It is also not your fault so don't waste time beating up on yourself with "what ifs". Most of us have done our best for our kids all their lives, but this addiction came out of the blue and blindsided us. You are not a bad parent. If you were a bad parent, you would not be here looking for a way to help your child."
The thing is, addicts can come up with some pretty creative ways to get around restrictions. I know I did. Whether you wean them of the habit or try to break them of it, whether you play good cop or bad cop, they'll find a way to keep gaming until they feel they've hit rock bottom.
Now, I'm only 21 years old. I have no experience parenting. All that I can offer is that I was raised with the Fay & Kline system of Love and Logic (http://www.loveandlogic.com/), which teaches that children need to learn the consequences of their actions by making mistakes and taking the heat. Parents can be there to support them, yes, and help them out when they hit rock bottom, but they'll never learn something if they're sheltered from their missteps.
When I was 10 years old, I shoplifted. A lot. I got caught, of course, as every shoplifter does in the end. My parents stood back and let the punishments roll in, knowing full well that life was going to deal with me more harshly than they ever could. I repaid $500 to the business owner, either through manual labor or the sale of my belongings; it took two years for me to repay the debt. I also had a (frankly) frightening talk with several officers about whether or not the thefts would go onto a criminal record. It was a terrible time for me, all in all--but you can bet I never shoplifted again.
This is all a roundabout way of saying that people can't be changed (least of all addicts) unless they really see the need to. And the only way that they ever see that is if it gets bad enough for them to have a moment of clarity, take stock of their lives, and witness the chaos for themselves. I'm not sure what my parents would have done if my addiction had progressed past where it was, but I like to think that they would have let me fall all the way into the abyss before helping me climb back out. If that's the only way of really learning a lesson, then that's what sounds like true compassion to me.
Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.
There is one thing you could do, and that is study on the effects of Dopamine, Cortisol and other addictive hormones that are released when the games are played.
Exceesive gaming would kill people, but the body has a protection system, and that is burnout. People who continue to play will be stopped sooner or later by this survival mechanosm as the body simply will give up. But when that happens the body may take years to restore.
I would talk to them and ask them what they want. A normal life, or give it all away ...and end up with a emergency stop and possibly years of depression?
its importants addictied people need to stand on their own feet , its the only way to get self responsibilty in them. Maybe try the soft approach...so get things done, dont cook for them..dont do their laundry, their shopping...just let them do. If they have so much free time, then time to use it wisely I 'd say....
A true addict loves to quit work, as gaming is their only love.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Yes, really. And I say this with love and hope for you and your sons. They're young men, Kelly, not little boys. Addiction is not reasonable. Half measures avail nothing. They'll have to experience the full weight of the consequences of their choices in order to begin to make better ones. When it comes to bearing those consequences, personally, I need my Higher Power to help me, to offer hope. Otherwise, the hard reality would be killer. And those choices are theirs to be made. You can't protect them from themselves. You can have faith in all the good that's in them - believe and act based on that. But for two young men to be living in their mother's home and allowed to spend their lives playing games to the detriment of their own health? Surely you can see that is not loving. Surely you do want them to have full, productive lives and self-respect. Those lives they must make for themselves. Their mother can not do it for them. She can let go, trust and believe in their own best abilities. From my perspective, as difficult as I know it is and will be for you, the most loving thing you can do for them is to say no and mean it. And get the support you need for you from others like you in similiar circumstances.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Well said, Gettingalife!
The thing is, this is an addiction, and I do NOT "accept and respect" addictions. Kelly, you can attempt to get them to moderate if you wish. Almost all the parents who come here have at some point. 99.9% of the time, it doesn't work. If you must, make a contract with them. Inform them up front that if they violate it even once, the games are gone. DON'T fall into the trap of continually arguing, negotiating, and accepting excuse after excuse (and believe me, addicts have an ENDLESS supply of those).
A better analogy using the cigarettes would be that you would not expect someone to snatch your cigarettes out of your hand, but, if your smoking was causing disruption in the home that someone was allowing you to live in, you would expect them to say that, if you wish to continue to smoke, you are free to leave and find your own home. That puts the adult decision-making squarely on the shoulders of the addict. If seeing them gaming themselves into oblivion and throwing away their futures distresses you, it is your home, and you should not have to see that.
You do not mention their father. Is he in the picture, and how does he feel about all this if he is? It is important that you and he be on the same page about this.
Finally, I have made you an Olg-Anon member so you can access the members-only forums and read this:
http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/24780
It is a summary of our story, which goes back to December of 2005. Recovery from gaming addiction is a long process, for both the addict and their loved ones.
You are free to handle this any way you choose, but reading the experiences of others here, and the perspectives of the addicts, will give you some insights as to what has worked and what has not worked. There is a lot of experience on this board. Good luck!
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I have children with addiction problems. We have been through the gamut of mental health concerns, including anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and failure in school. Ultimately what worked for us was to set some boundaries and consequences, and then back off. As importantly, not to rescue either.
I cannot tell you what the fear is like when you are contemplating asking a child with mental and emotional issues to leave the home. You have visions of them sleeping under a bridge, at best.
However, all the protecting we did sent a message that we did not believe in our child. And there was an element of ego and sense of pride, not wanting others to see our children fail. So we had a part in the problem.
There is no guarantee your child will respond well to drawing boundaries. However, it is likely that unless you do, nothing will change.
Hello,
I thank you all for inputing here. I take each response and think my situation through it. I feel so scattered right now as I try to figure what & how to something I dont know how to do.
I am reading up on EVEoffline's comment on hormones. I believe that given their state of mind & health that their hormones are imbalanced. I am considering a DR visit to help them.
Allerseelen~you are a heck of a person. Thank you for taking your time with me here while you are so fresh in quitting your addiction.
GettingaLife~ I CAN see "really?" I just can't accept that right now. I feel as I must exhaust myself on my attempt and let "really" slap me when it's time.
Gamersmom~I know I must differentiate the fine line between accepting and respecting them as a person & as an addict. Thank you for sharing your letter to your son, I need to send one to the 27 yr old for reasons explained below. I have a husband who has been their step father for 17 years. He loves them. He rules with "iron hand" realism unlike me whom raised them with realism and love, this type of kid raising between him & I seemed to work with oppositional balance. His 1st instinct would be to ax the internet and call them "cured". He would not think this through and would be even more frustated and angry if his "cure" didn't work. He loves them. I am keeping him informed of my thoughts, interaction with our sons, OLGA posts, & ideas and I appreciate his saturation levels. We do have a good relationship.
24yo is complying so far. He has stayed offline all day until 6pm without incident. At 1am I unplug him from the modem thngy without incident. He watches TV most of the night. He seems to accept that his "time has come". I have spoke to him about the hormone imbalance and that we have to taper off the gaming and that the end result would be "game free". So far he is in agreeance. I pray he is sincere. He has done dishes and we did some light weight lifting with 3lb weights for our arms both days. My frequent checks on him don't seem to be aggitating so far. His game of choice is Grand Theft Auto online.
27yo is resistant. The background on him is he was always a very demanding child(firstborn) and always wanted the best & to be the best. He achieved alot as a child thru manipulation & badgering(siblings). He was difficult to raise but we felt we did well until he became addicted to gaming. We had a deep talk last nght & I could see the anxiousness as he told me that the "fleet had left on a mission without him" as we talked. I pointed that out as ADDICTION. He admits depression. He says that he is "bothered" just seeing people interact socially in life and cant tolerate that. He says gaming is what he wants to do & I should accept that. He states that he doesnt spend ALL his time on the internet gaming as he watches TV shows online and has watched the series "How I met your mother" and is currently watching The Sopranos series. He says he will be getting a job & moving out so he wont be "bothered" . I told him to do just that. He has $1000 saved from his jobs and points out to me that the only reason he has been able to save is because he games and doesn't go out blowing his money. He was respectful and not mean or angry towards me.
As you can see, I have 2 different sons that I am dealing with.
Thanks for reading.
cjl~ Yes, I have fear and I agree that unless I do something, nothing will change. Thank you.
KellyS I can completely sympathize with you. My 24 year old has been living in his car since last April because after being home for one year with a general discharge under honorable conditions from the Navy, we could not allow him to continue with his addiction under our roof. All of our rules had been ignored, money agreed upon had not been paid, little to no ambition to go to school, get more than a part-time job, clean up after himself or even take a shower!! He can't figure out why when he lived here and every time he comes for a "visit" the dog chews up everything he owns. Well it is because he smells like a Jack in the Box hamburger and the dog smells it on all of his stuff!!
I found out a week ago his new cell phone plan has been cut off, he is behind on "rent" for a laptop and his storage building is about to have the lock cut off. The only three bills he is responsible for are all behind.
I understand first hand how HARD it is to push your bird out of the nest. You see the best in them and know what wonderful additions to society they could be and all of the things they could accomplish if they would only stop focusing on their on-line games. It totally sucks because this is not the way you raised them, not the belief system you taught them to value and they have no idea or concern about what they are putting their families through.
Best wishes to find the strength you need to make the choices needed for your sons!
3Puttsmom
Kelly, be glad your oldest son is respectful and not mean or angry. So many of these kids get VERY angry, and they can even be dangerous.
Yes, he will be full of excuses and come up with all kinds of delaying tactics. So typical of addict behavior. Hang in there.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I have been educating & pressuring my 2 sons about gaming addiction.
I have told them of our family's dislike for whom they have become. I have let them know that the family is being made aware of the daily hours they spend online. I have begun to educate them them on dopamine and withdrawals from excessive gaming.
I have posted a board in the hallway between their rooms.
24yo read it & had no comment. I did not ask him for a comment. 27 yo old refused to read it and plugged his ears when I read it to him. He was online gaming(up all night?) and was scurring to block his microphone thingy to prevent his online "people" from hearing our conversation. He said "Why are you doing this right now"? (answer=MY house) He said "I told you I was moving out just give me 2-3 days". I told him that so far I see no effort of him moving out and that he was only gaming 24/7. I hear him in his room carrying on game related conversations.
24 yo is tolerable so far but I have caught him online on restricted hours. I immediately pulled his connection and explained that 2 online hours will be cut tonight I explained to him that the OLGA members here suggested that I kick him out & let him fly or fall. I told him that my heart is breaking as I realize that that may be what I have to do. I told him that this is MY house and he will comply if he wants to stay here. He nodded his head up & down. He is now sleeping.
I will continue to educate both of them while applying pressure.
I should tell you the "agreement" with 27 yo.
He is paying rent here of $300 a month and feels that I shouldn't restrict his online hours. So I haven't been restricting his hours like the 24 yo.
I told him that he needs to get a job as his savings will soon be depleted and I still disapprove of his gaming whether is is paying rent or not.
Kelly, my best advice is that you attend a meeting like Al-Anon or find a counselor who will help you understand how to deal (or not) with an addict. Until you understand how fully you are enabling, you will never be able to take the steps necessary to help your sons gain fulfilled lives. At 27 and 24, it's due time for them to be 100% responsible for their lives and livelihood. Does your daughter live at home? If so, they are no example for your grandchild.
I speak from experience. We had our son removed from our home when he was 17, for 10 months. When he came back for his last year of high school, we set expectations. The first was that there would never be an online game played in our home again. Another was that he get a job. After being in "prison" (his words) for 10 months, he was more than happy to comply. We made him move out a second time when he neglected to follow some simple house rules. He's now 22, has had part-time employment for 5 straight years and will graduate from college with a Bachelor's in Business, on time, next month. He and his wife (who live in an apartment they pay for) are fully aware of the fact that they will be on their own (no more tuition, auto, health insurance, etc.) and have been saving and preparing for exactly that.
Agree with WoWParent. I have been told that Nar-Anon is a good place for loved ones of addicts. They don't ask what your loved one is addicted to, but will educate you on addiction and enabling. You can bargain and set rules that get broken instantly, and those boys will just keep pushing the limits. Many parents here have been there, done that.
If your 27-year-old thinks that $300 a month is adequate to reimburse you for room, board, utilities, and internet connection, tell him to go see if he can find that kind of a bargain on his own. It's still your house, even if he is paying token rent.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Is it possible that you don't want the boys to grow up and be their own men?
Between their rooms, you put up a board listing rules. That didn't work for me as a 14 year old, never mind a 24 or 27 year old.
I've heard the empty nest syndrome is a real problem. Kids grow up, become adults, fly away to start their lives.
I used to live in the high desert; around our house were three huge oak trees. In one of the trees a family of red-tailed hawks raised their baby. When it came time for baby to learn how to fly, mom and dad would be roosting in the other tree waiting for junior to fly to them. Baby had no intention of flying anywhere; the nest was too warm and parents brought him all his food. Eventually the parents brought him no food, and would dangle fresh meat in front of him but 20 feet away in other tree. The youngster finally got hungry enough, desperately enough, so he flew toward parents for his well-earned dinner.
Junior loved the flight. Next time we saw that family, junior was flying all over the place.
Junior never looked so good and I know he felt wonderful! not only were the parents proud, but so was he.