Since MMORPG "compulsion/addiction" is relatively new (or at least recognition of it is), I would love any advice from those of you who are struggling with it. When an injury ended our son's football player/athlete identity, he found it in the social realm of WoW and its virtual reality. He won't choose to stop playing. We intervened without his acceptance of a problem.
It's been 4 weeks in a wilderness location. The therapist there thinks he's "playing the game" with us, as if we're the enemy/opposition. He won't participate in any type of therapy. He refused to read our intervention letters, refused to complete the psychological testing. He is strategizing, doing anything he can to defeat us. My guess is, he realizes this is costing us a fortune and he's enjoying the thought of us depleting the last of our financial resources.
I'm beginning to think he likes it there...he doesn't have to go to school, doesn't have to make a bed and eats 3 times a day. The only area in which he does alright are the wilderness skills. When he doesn't want to participate, he simply gets in his sleeping bag and lays around. They have to use blackmail (punishing the entire group for his behavior) in order for him to respond.
We are at our wits end here. I keep wondering exactly what he thinks will happen if/when he leaves there. I expect he thinks he'll hook up with friends and play the account he set up just before we intervened. I just know that we (our marriage, our family) won't survive if he comes home without some change. We just aren't strong enough to turn a blind eye while he abuses us and destroys himself. Yet we can't afford to continue in-patient treatment for much longer, particularly if he won't cooperate.
I am so sorry.
I don't know what can be done, either.
I hope you can live without a computer at home, its only a stopgap measure but for a while he'd have to be a "dry drunk".
In the long term... I don't know.
I'm praying for you.
Leveling in Real Life
Wow - just wow. I am so sorry that this is so painful for you guys. I'll be sure to add you into my prayers tonight. I'm sure God will know who I'm talking about!!
"This is the end...." The Doors
I am so very sorry to hear this WP!
My friend and I were just talking about this tonight (whether to get counseling for my son or not) and how it doesn't really work if they don't want it. I have not gone to the expense you all have (yet) but I have forced my son's hand by taking his computer. And he HATES me!! So I have no advice for you. I wish I had an answer. I was thinking about forcing him into counseling but after reading this and discussing this with my friend I realize that may not help. Even when I sent my oldest child to rehab for drug addiction, he played the "fake it til you make it" game. He wasn't ready for a change. Apparently your son and my youngest son aren't ready for a change either.
Do you have a pastor or clergy that you can talk to? I know I have a circle of friends that is surrounding our family with prayer and that helps to know we are being prayed for. Just know I will be praying for you, your son, and the rest of your family!
Until this gaming/internet addiction comes to light more I am afraid our choices for help or understanding this is very limited. I believe this is a very common problem, though, because I have talked to too many people, even in my small circle, who have struggled with this addiction in some form or another.
Hugs to you!!
Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
Oh my gosh, what a terrible situation. My heart just breaks for you. I think short term progress is not going to do it in this case. I'm not sure that you can count on 30 days being enough to clear his head. I'm not seeing any sign of clearing in the month or so since we took our son's computer away. We don't intend to give it back for at least a year. Nothing in his room except a mattress on the floor and a dresser (our son also has a set of weights, but you would have to judge for yourself how safe that would be in your house. Our son only weighs 117 lb.) I would recommend removing anything fragile or valuable from your house or locking it up, so that he can't threaten you by threatening to break your valuables. It could take months, but eventually sitting around staring at the ceiling is going to get old. Provide him with 3 meals a day and a roof over his head, period. Forget about school for now. It would be a waste of time for him in his current frame of mind. Lock out all channels on the TV except for things like the History channel, Discovery, etc. If at all possible, one parent should be with him at all times, wherever he is. Provide books, board games, card games, puzzles, etc, and other non-computer acivities and offer to join him, but don't push it. I have found a set of books called "Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay very helpful. He has to know that you love him but you will never ever give in, ever, until he has a life outside WoW again. I know this is incredibly drastic and would take an incredible amount of will and commitment, but I don't know what else would help, and I don't even know if that would help. I will pray for you too.
If you would like, I would like to post a supportive, non-judgemental message to your son, either here or via private e-mail, that you could print out and give to him when he comes home from the wilderness camp. If that would be alright with you, could you tell us his first name? Perhaps others here would like to do the same. If you would rather we didn't that would be OK too. We will all continue to pray.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Going to a wilderness camp is not enough. They also have to be treated for the addiction.
I have found another article written by Dr. Kimberly Young that might help you to understand this - p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm23.showMessage?topicID=75.topic
The denial of their gaming addiction is what will keep them in it. Until they have admitted and accepted that they have this, they cannot move beyond it. THAT is step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over on-line gaming, and that our lives have become unmanageable.
One of the things treatment does is break them of the denial - it shows them how this is ruining their lives.
Sometimes, they need a good tough therapist before they will allow themselves to see this.
Here is more information that may help you - www.netaddiction.com/articles/articles.htm
Hang in there. By sticking together, and offering each other support, we can get through this.
Liz
Liz Woolley
exactly - there has to be a "problem" first for him to work through, and until he sees it, it's probably going to go no where.
"This is the end...." The Doors
I've done exactly what he's doing, except my parents just kicked me out once I was 18. They never gave me treatment for any kind of addiction, they don't beleive it's an actual addiction. They beleive it to be irresponsible, and in a way it is.
How old is he? How many hours of WoW did he play a week?
One thing my dad did when I was in middle school was depending on my grades I'd get a certain amount of time to play video games, so the higher grades I got the more time I was able to put in to video games. It worked for a schoolyear, until I learned tricks to get around the locks he had on the computer, then he said no more computer period. I was completely grounded all throughout the seventh grade up till the day I left his house. I would recommend against this, because it obviously didn't do me any good except make me miserable and uncontrolable.
The advice that was recomended in posts before mine sounds like the best things you could do. The wilderness camp sounds more like he's rebelling against you then strategizing, which is very common and expected at high school ages.
If you're still having problems in about a month I should have a program done that will block WoW from being ran on the computer. Actually, I bet it'd be even better if it just crashed WoW after the program runs for a minute or two. That way you(the parents) would be able to have deniability and just say the computer must be messed up and no you can't afford to get another computer or fix this one
After that if he gets on another game I could modify it.
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it" --Voltaire
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
Counterstrike
over 4,000 hours played
Runescape
over 7,000 hours played
Thanks for all your help, interest, prayers. He is still in wilderness therapy and will be given a cornish hen to make for himself for Thanksgiving! We hear that he is beginning to tire of taking care of himself and it looks as though he may be breaking down a bit. We know that his first admission of addiction will hurt him badly. We have also let him know that he will not be returning home until he has engaged himself in therapy, identified and taken responsibility for his behaviors. All of the advice you've given has been heard and will be practiced.
I just received a phone call from a neighbor. Those who know us best do not consider us to be "bad parents" and understand that this could happen to anyone. She will be putting word out among her friends in the community (she is a realtor), warning them about internet gaming, and specifically WoW. She said she sees it as as bad as drugs or alcohol, but more seductive. It is so gratifying to know that we may, at the least, save just one other family from experiencing what we have.
That's something we can all do. In spite of the fact that it gets me some strange looks sometimes, I do whatever I can to get the word out. I had no clue what excessive gaming could lead to until I found this site, and I wish someone had told me during his senior year in high school what to watch out for.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
HUGS WoW Parent. You're doing a great job. I'm sure you'll be fortified with courage and patience. I'm still praying for you!
"This is the end...." The Doors
I feel for you because I have lost my beautiful 21 year old daughter to this terrible addiction. My husband and I have experienced every power struggle there is and our life was miserable because she would do anything to play final fantasy. She quit college, didn't care about her job and was always angry with us. It has been 15 months since we went to a counselor who advised us to forbid playing the game in our home. She said my daughter was terribly addicted after meeting with her. To make a long story short, we forbid her playing and she took off to go live with a guy in another state who she met on the game. We worried sick because he is 9 years older than her and we knew nothing about him. It has been hell but she did bring him last christmas so we met him and he seemed OK except that he enables her to play by supporting her. We talk a few times a month and she is doing O.K. except she has neglected all oher responsibilies and is depending on him to take care of her.
It bothers me alot and I miss her terribly but I keep praying that someday she will realize that she is doing nothing with her life and make some changes. She called us on thanksgiving and told us she is looking for a real job and truly sounded like she misses us and our family. I don't know what is going to happen but she knows that we are doing o.k. and that it is up to her to quit playing if she wants to improve her life. It is tough what you are going through and I believe that your son has got to want to change and recognize his addiction. My advice is stop spending all of your money and make him responsible by not giving in. He will try and make your life hell but don't give in even if he leaves you. It is hard but you will eventually find some peace in your home when you make it his problem.
You're doing the right thing, MJ. It's just so hard to wait for them to "get it". It must be even worse with a daughter, because they are so much more vulnerable. I'm glad the man she went with turned out to be probably OK. Maybe he will see how she's using him and decide to quit enabling her. Can you get him to take a look at this site?
Hang in there and keep us posted.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth