Like many of you, I suspect my son is an addict, but not admitting it yet. He is away at college and failed the first semester. He begged me to allow him to go into the college's restoration program for the second semester. He swore he would get serious about school and things would be different. He is smart, did well in high school with very little effort and is ADHD. I received a call last week from the dean of the restoration program and my son is failing. He has missed almost half of the restoration program classes; those that teach study skills, testing strategies, and basic daily living skills (eating well, exercise, keeping a regular sleep schedule). He is also failing at least one of the three academic classes he's taking for credit. He admitted to his mentor that he's gaming at least 60 hours a week. He will most likely be suspended and not allowed to go back next fall (not that I would pay for his tuition anyway...) or he will have to withdrawal by the end of April to avoid more failing grades on his transcript. I am preparing myself for what to do differently when he does come home. This website has been so helpful! I have been struggling with guilt; i.e. This is my fault, I'm a bad parent, I've enabled his addiction, so I very much appreciate the three C's, although the guilt is still very present. I've also been struggling with whether I should allow him to game or not when he eventually does come home, but after spending several hours reading other posts, the answer seems to be a very clear NO! The dean at his college was almost suggesting I bring him home for spring break and not take him back to college, but I need time to prepare for what's to come. He also spends hours watching anime on his iPad. I'm not sure what to do about that, so any advice or experience with that aspect would be much appreciated. At this point, I'm gathering information, formulating a plan, and trying to prepare to be strong.
Hi Majemi
Welcome to Olga !
It's good that you are able to prepare in advance for your son's return. It would give your son the best chance to heal if you can stop all gaming. Sometimes it is harder to do that in practice. If you end up just restricting it for a while until you convince yourself that a total ban is necessary, then I would say that is part of the process you might need to go through to become convinced.It might save time if you just go for a complete ban in the first place. I think that's your call.
People's dependancy on gaming and how they cope with life and react to a parent's input is different for each case. So your progress with your son may be quicker or slower or different than other people's experience on this forum.
One thing you will need is to be convinced that what you are doing is for good reason because he will sense if you do not have the backbone to keep him on the straight and narrow.
Remember while he is in your house it's your rules and you can change them and start from scratch if things are not working. Be clear with him on what your concerns are, that you have his best interests at heart and that you do not want to enable him any further. Hopefully he will be proud that you care for him so much, but more likely he won't thank you "interfering". If he doesn't like it he can either put up with it anyway or he can get a job, leave and support himself.
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Good suggestions from Polga. I was in your shoes 8 years ago. The only difference was that I had no idea that gaming addiction was the cause, or that gaming addiction even existed. If I had known that at the time, I would have pulled my son out before the deadline. Instead, he flunked out of college with a 1.2 GPA. I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing that will keep your son from failing at this point, and pulling him out before any further hits to his GPA would probably be a wise move. You need to get some sense of what his mental status is at the moment, but in general, if you have to pull a kid out of school due to gaming addiction, I think it is totally reasonable to make it clear that he is coming home to a game-free home. If he is in college, he is legally an adult. He can chose to go elsewhere if he doesn't like your rules.
Kudos to the dean for calling you. When my son was failing, the faculty at his university pretty much threw up a wall to keep us from finding out what was going on, even though I found out later that we had the right to know, because we were paying the tuition, and he was a dependent on our 1040.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Thank you Polga and Gamersmom! I know I've got a long road ahead and will need to stay strong. I'm very thankful for the support of this group. I've called my company's EAP hotline and got some referrals for myself for counseling, but gaming addiction isn't something many people seem to be well versed in. My son is going to talk to a counselor at school next week, so that's a start for him I hope. I also sent him the link to this site and encouraged him to take a look. I'm saying lots of prayers and doing lots of reading.
This is expensive, but consider this too:
http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
Majemi, I think Gamersmom has the right idea. If your son withdraws now, he may still have a college future. Once you've failed out, that dream most often disappears. Over the years, we've had a number of parents who allowed their child (almost always a son) one "last chance." In every single case, the worst case scenario occurred. Although I would hope that yours would be different, it may not be worth the risk.
If your son was failing in school due to excessive drinking or drug-taking, would you let him stay unsupervised away from home and believe him when he said he could fight that temptation on his own? When my husband and I came to the conclusion that our son could not moderate his gaming, we started substituing the word drugs/alcohol for gaming. It was a great help in moving us in the right direction.
It takes some work to make a home game-free but there are a number of parents here who have managed it and I'm sure they'd be more than happy to share their methods and experiences. I think your idea for getting some counseling for yourself is terrific. We parents all have the tendency to beat ourselves up for something we could not control.
Hi majemi, I am a recovered and sober game-addict with ADHD. I have found in my short 9 month experience that gaming and ADHD are very similar; I had a tendancy to seek out gaming to do something with my anxiety. I have learned now that exercise and regular physical activity is much more effective.
However, gaming is not solely due to ADHD or any other mental disorders. It is a disease in all the sense of a steadily worsening condition that is further exacerbated by ineffective treatment. Basically, the disease is not caused by the gaming, the gaming is a symptom of the disease, it is rooted in the most primal functions of the human brain and requires very specific treatment.
We addicts try to deal with the 'dis-ease' which is caused by this addiction by using substances, drinking, or gaming. Gaming scratches the itch. The problem is that it doesn't fix the problem, it just sweeps it under the rug, until eventually it's too big to ignore.
As a sober addict, I don't game, I come to meetings, talk to my sponsor sometimes (working on that) and help other addicts. I also spend too much time watching internet-tv and reading online comics. Albeit, these activities are not beneficial to my life and well being: I stay up to late. I procrastinate. But I am not gaming.
Where gaming will put my right back into the regular cycle of relapse and despair, watching TV or procrastinating will not. What I am suggesting is that you focus on your sons gaming, and that in fact the anime is not a problem. It is similar to the gaming in-that it is partly an attempt to mitigate the 'itch' of the disease. But it is not nearly as serious as the regular use of gaming.
I wish you the best of luck. I am happy to see you here getting help from all these people. I couldn't even guess what it's like to have a child with game-addiction. (I was to busy being one to notice what it was like to have one) All I know is that it was incredibly difficult for my mom.
What I can say is this: no matter what, your sons journey with addiction is his own, no amount of cajoling, bribing, threatening or pain will make him change his mind until he's decided to start taking the help that's offered him and give up the disease. Once that occurs, real headway can be made.
I wish you the best.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, help me to be realistic about the challenge I'm facing and to take good care of myself. If you need help PM me! I will gladly offer you whatever aid I can.
Welcome to OLGA majemi! I agree with the rest of the moms and recovered gamers that it would be very helpful to him if he comes back to gamefree home. It is not easy to implement but it is worth the effort. There are some devices which you can use to block the access to certain sites. Also with this device you can monitor the sites he is visiting. Timer allows you to cut the internet off at certain times that you choose etc. iBoss is the only one I know (we haven't used it but some parents here tried it I believe). I agree with Sheeshmode that if they decide to give up, half the battle is won but until then we can stop them playing in our home which gives their brain some time to recover. I don't envy your situation but we all have been there and know exactly what you are going through. Please join our chat meetings on Thursday nights at 9pm EST. We moms share our experiences and find strenght from each other to deal with this emotionally draining situation.
Please don't blame yourself. We moms are ready to fall into the guilt trap but it doesn't help anyone. On the contrary it may ever hinder our position to be strong in taking firm steps to create a game free home.
Take care!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia