DEALING WITH AN ADULT GAMER

This has been shared by a member who has a boyfriend who is a gamer:

DEALING WITH AN ADULT GAMER  (NOT RECOMMENED TO BE USED WITH ADDICTED TEENS, THEY NEED STRONG INTERVENTION)

Everyone has different personalities, therefore react differently to addiction and intervention. As a family/loved one/friend of an addicted gamer, there is no ONE method to deal with this. What I have compiled is a list of ways to intervene, cope, and basically deal with being emotionally attached to an addicted gamer. Not all these steps will work for you, but I wanted to start something like this so that new victims will not feel too overwhelmed as they will have a guide of sorts. I personally wish I had one when going through all of this, and I do hope that I can help others.

Step 1: INTERVENTION IN A NICE SORT OF WAY.
Please remember that you are dealing with an individual that is addicted. A They are not themselves. A Once you have verified that the gamer is addicted, there are TWO things you have to keep in mind:

-Stop all normal expectations you would have of them. Treat him/her like he/she is mentally handicapped.  Ignore all promises from the addicted gamer of getting better or doing chores.  Please refer to " I am afraid of my own anger" This is important because if you keep expecting an addicted person to act like a normal human being, you are going to be SORELY DISAPPOINTED. Which would just make you madder than hell. Which brings me to the next point:

-The #1 worst thing to do is nag, yell, threaten, scream, etc. violent behavior. Remember when we were kids and we would automatically shut down when our moms nag and yell? A Point made.

As the "healthy" party, you should try intervention by talking to them about your concern first (I know this may not work because they are in denial) but the important thing is, you have INITIATED the intervention process by doing that. After you've opened the doors to intervention, now is the time to give it all; the psychologist is IN! A Positive reinforcement/replacement, such as mentioned in (outdated link) which talks about the replacement of something more exciting than WOW, the identification of why the gamer is escaping, etc.

Step 2: REMEMBER, NO ONE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU BUT YOURSELF.
If all your efforts come to naught, there is nothing you can do at this point. The important thing to realize at this stage, is that YOU GAVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT.  As my mother always said, "Unless you are Buddha, you cannot save everyone in the world" and we are all definitely NOT Buddha.  And last time I checked, there ain't anyone that will take care of me, but myself.

Step 1 takes a lot out of a person trying to intervene; taking emotional, physical and financial tolls. So now as the loved one/friend/family of the addicted gamer, you need to heal yourself before you get dragged further into the blackhole while you are weak.

This is a time to focus on yourself.  I cannot stress that enough. Since it is now completely up to the addicted gamer to make or break themselves, you have to rescind all responsibility and control. Focus on your own interests and self improvements to keep from being affected by the addicted gamer. Workout, have a more vivacious social life, go to that museum, or that jazz club you've always wanted to go see. Go do that evening hike with the city camping group to learn about nocturnal animals, whatever.  If you look, you will find all sorts of things to do and broaden your life and mind. You may even meet someone with the same interests as you;which brings me to the next Step...

Step 3: SEPARATION OR DIVORCE?
Depending on what your situation is, you may end up finding out new things about yourself through your self improvements and pursuing your own interest, and social life...and you may end up leaving to pursue a better life for yourself. This one probably won't work for married people with kids. But again, I just wanted to put something out there so that a template is started to hopefully help guide some people. Please do not blame me because this does not work for you! A I'm just trying to help !

Separation does not always mean divorce. A Separation is used sometimes to bring people together again after they realize what they've lost. It is also used to help people reflect and find themselves and what they truly want in life.  Go online and Google "separation in relationships"and read some articles on it. Show these articles to your addicted gamer as a third party information source that seems to the gamer to be non-partial.  Tell them that is what you need to do. This is also a good time to test yourself to see if you are happier without the addicted gamer.

Divorce or breaking up. A I personally have no experience in this arena.  I am still with my addicted gamer for the past 6 years, although the threat of separation cause him to realize that he needed to control his playing.

SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT IN THE ADDICTED GAMER

From personal experience, my addicted gamer had  shaped up  somewhat after the threat of separation.  It has been a year now, and he constantly pushes the envelope on the agreement we have on his amount of playing.

For me, it is a constant battle, I have to watch the line I drew like a hawk, which takes energy and commitment, and a lot of passive aggressive display (I refuse to get violent with him and yell and nag).  I do not enjoy this.   But I have no one to blame but myself when I am lonely and need someone to talk to, it is my choice to stay.  And one of these days, if I decide I don't want to deal with this any longer, it will be my choice to leave.

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More useful information for loved ones of adult excessive gamers:

For parents of adult children who are excessive gamers

For spouses or significant others of excessive gamers

Edited by: SnowWhite760 at: 11/26/06 13:37