After 13 months of painful struggle, we found ourselves incapable of keeping our (now 17 year old) son away from World of Warcraft. He continued to deny a compulsion/addiction. His life, and our family life, continued to spiral downward.
He is now in a wilderness location where he will have no access, while undergoing therapy.
I cannot imagine what it is like to be a spouse/partner of someone in denial. Although this last attempt comes late, it was at least available to us. Once an individual is 18, it is no longer possible to forcefully intervene.
Unfortunately, this site is most likely viewed only when a problem with excess gaming has surfaced. I would advise parents to forbid MMORPG use for more than an hour or two a day. If a child wants more, remove the game and all access immediately and never give it back!
I agree with you.
I hope your son will recover.
Liz
Liz Woolley
Tough love isn't fun, by definition.
Still I hope and pray that it will help your son recover.
Good luck to you.
Leveling in Real Life
Good luck to you. Our son is 19. We still have some control. The internet connection to his room is disconnected unless he asks to have it connected for homework and then he keeps his door open and screen facing the door. The modem and router are locked in a room behind ours when we are not home and he is. He works for UPS at night and gos to school during the day, so very little opportunity to play. I suppose he could play at school (JC) but if he did it would not be the marathon hour after hour sessions like he did at the U when we weren't there to monitor. It's still a struggle to get him out of his room when he's not doing homework. Made him rake and mow the yard Sunday.
I hope things are better when your son returns from the wilderness program. We sent our son on the poor-man's version of the wilderness program when he flunked out of college last spring----sent him to work with his brother at Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio. They live in cinderblock dorms with no high-speed access. They paid him to stay away from games (though he did win a PS2 in the employee poker tournament but hasn't taken it out of the box.)
Just be sure your son is COMPLETELY withdrawn from games before you send him away to college. Or better yet, send him to JC the first two years til you see how he handles it. There's nothing like a big strange university with 20,000 people he doesn't know, classes he doesn't have to show up for, and a 24/7 high-speed connection just 2 steps from his bed to send a kid right back into the World of You-Know-What.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
How is your son doing?
Liz
Liz Woolley
It will be one week tomorrow. We've gotten a couple of reports. He, of course, does not think he belongs there and got quite angry when he was unable to convince his therapist/counselor of that fact.
The therapist is a recovering addict and says he can spot one a mile away...and that our son is definitely an addict. When he told him, he really got angry.
Our son doesn't emote...he tries to intellectualize instead. They say they've seen his type before, but they're definitely not the norm.
We don't expect that we'll have him living with us full-time again. He's going to have to find new friends (non-gamers) and this environment may be too tempting for him.
Thanks for asking. This is the most painful thing we've ever been through.
This site has been so helpful! For months I thought we were alone in this battle. I did a web search and found out through this board and other places that online gaming addiction really does exist.
Our son is 18 years old and in his first year of college. He is addicted to WoW. He doesn't think he has a problem, though. At first we started limiting his time on the internet (we have wireless and he has a laptop) hoping that he could use some self control. Then I caught him at 4:00 a.m. playing WoW when he was supposed to be a>not on the computer b>not playing WoW at all and c> asleep. I took his computer and now he is only allowed to check it out like a library book and use it only in our presence. This wasn't the first time I have found him playing in the wee hours of the morning when he has to be up for school or work the next day. Now I realize that he can't stop himself. He needs some intervention of some type.
He has been a model child up to this point. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. He is really a great kid, except for this one thing.
The bad thing is, that we bought him the WoW for Christmas last year along with 3 months subscription. We bought him the laptop for graduation. I feel like we contributed to his problem greatly and feel very guilty about it!
He has blown off most of his RL friends (except the ones that also play WoW) and has neglected LIFE! I am sure you all know what I am talking about. It breaks my heart. If he were on drugs I would send him to rehab.
WoW Parent, I am eagerly waiting to see how things turn out for you and your son.
I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories on here. It has been very helpful!
This is my first post on here, by the way.
Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
Just knowing our story has helped someone lessens the pain a little. Thank you so much for your interest and concern!
Our son has, thus far, refused to participate in any kind of counseling, either individual or group. He still thinks he doesn't belong where he is. But I strongly believe they'll eventually get to him. It may just take a while. I suppose I'd rather have it this way, since they see the resistance. He could have tried to fake his way into an earlier release.
I'll keep you posted!
Welcome, TexasAngel. You could be describing our kid when you describe yours (except that ours is 19 and in second year of college). We didn't buy WoW for him, but we did buy him the souped-up Alienware gaming computer. I feel the same way you do about that. We unplugged his internet connection, but I'm afraid he may have installed a wireless card in his computer without telling us, so we have to unplug our wireless modem at night and when we're not home, and keep it locked up. I'm anxiously awaiting the end of first semester, as that will tell us if he's been playing or going to class when he leaves the house every day. He claims to be going to class, but I know what a terrible hold that game can have on a kid. Ours too was a good kid (no smoking/drinking/drugs, etc) until he got into the game. If he doesn't get decent grades this semester, we quit paying for college and confiscate the computer totally. He will have to move out and support himself if he wants to use a computer.
Note: There is an inpatient rehab unit for computer/internet/gaming addicts here in Illinois. Ironically, it is right up the street from the university our son flunked out of last year.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Gamersmom,
I will be watching to see how your son is doing, also.
My son seems to think that he will be able to play again in a month or so. I don't want to tell him yet that he doesn't need to be playing ANY. I don't do confrontation well and my husband works away from home alot so I have to deal with it alone.
He is always talking about his guildmates or whatever they are called. He tells me about husbands and wives, and other college students, and high school kids that all play. Some of them as if they were his best buds. I have made friends over the internet, too, and as wonderful as they are, they are no replacement for real live, flesh and blood, right where you live friends. He doesn't understand this yet.
He is currently out of the house interacting with live people. Since we took his computer I feel like I am getting my son back. He is communicative and fun to be around again. He even seems happier.
Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
Well, I tried to post before but the post got lost in cyberspace (probably drifting around in the same vicinity as my son's brain). We got a midterm report card on the 28th and it was bad. He's basically flunking everything again. We have removed everything with a video screen from his room and locked it all up. He is going to have to get a second job, and if he wants to try school again next semester, he will have to pay the tuition himself. I told him that if he presents us with an Associate's degree in something, we will pay for the last 2 years at a state U. Made him go to the library and check out some books, so he is reading now in his spare time. I have to force him to get out of bed every day. He is no longer gaming, but the really hard part is getting him to realize that he needs to fill the hours with something else to avoid going back to the games. He has no friends. Unfortunately, the few friends he had who weren't out getting drunk every night were into games as heavily as he was, and without the games, he has lost those friends too. I realize he has to do this himself, but it's really hard to see what this game has done to a bright, cheerful, active, intelligent boy.
How's the wilderness program going for your son, WoW Parent?
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
It's been 2 weeks now. For the first week, he was very resistant. We all (including the therapists) think he thought he didn't belong there and wouldn't be there long before he'd convinced everyone of that.
He is starting to participate in therapy. I don't think there's a way you can keep people with this compulsion away from gaming in any other way. When we searched his room, we found multiple copies of WoW hidden under dresser drawers, etc. He needed it the way an alcoholic needs a drink.
We don't know how long his stay in wilderness therapy will be but we know one thing...he's been 2 full weeks without his game and his head must be starting to clear just a little bit.
We hope and pray every day that the next time we see him, he'll resemble, at least a little, the young man we knew before his compulsion to game began.
I so much appreciate all the interest and support and promise to keep you informed of any progress.
Hi Joyce,
I too, am anxiously waiting to see how this goes. I did speak with Dr. G. He is very interested in helping with this latest addiction.
Maybe, when your son comes back, he can break those CD's, after writing on the back, about his new found freedom, and send them to us, so we can add them to our fish bowl - here is the story behind that Game Bowl. He can send them to: OLGA, PO Box 67, Osceola, WI 54020
Please keep us poosted on how he is doing. 30 days is the minium to keep him off of the games, so his brain can rewire, for him to think clearly. You will know when you talk to him, if it has been long enough....
He cannot play any more.... this is where it stops.
Liz Woolley
what wilderness program is he in? I have friends that work the anasazi program in Utah. I know that's a great program. I wish you the best, my mom sent my brother to drug and alcohol detox 3 times before his 3rd wife and 3rd child were the beating over the head he needed to clean up. Hopefully he isn't too far from feeling accomplishment!
"This is the end...." The Doors
Gamersmom and WoWParent,
Thanks for the updates! I am sorry to hear about your sons grades, GM, but I totally understand about the friends thing too! My oldest son (not the WoW addict) recently went through an AA type program and they told him he needs to "change his playground". I know this is what our gamer sons need to do to and it is very difficult for them. My (youngest) son has not played WoW in 2 weeks but he has looked online to see what has been going on with his guild. He complained about all the stuff that "dropped" that he has been playing weeks for and now he missed it! And his guildmates NEED him!! He is using our computer so I can check where he has been and how long he has been on. He has not asked for his computer back once....yet. He is determined to move out, though, because living here is "stifling him". He wants to go to a big college out of town. If he actually does what is required (applying and getting the money to go) then we are making some improvement! He actually carries on whole conversations now and is starting to resemble the person I remember!! He has even gone places with real live people that have not written him off yet. Today he cancelled the automatic draft on his account for his game. He seems to think he will get his computer back in a couple of weeks. I don't know yet. Yes, I do. I am still working on how to tell him he doesn't need it back yet. In the meantime, he is learning how to communicate with friends face to face again. It is a slow process. He is playing video games on a PS2 and borrowed an XBox so I think he is just trading one thing for another. He has been angry, depressed (at one point he told me he was a social outcast because he couldn't "talk" to other people on the computer), apathetic (which is kind of where we are now). At least it isn't WoW. If he does not pass college this semester we will pay for one more semester of Junior College and then he is either going to have to get a full time job or pay for his own education, which will still require a job! So I totally agree with how y'all are handling this, GM. It's so hard to do though.
WP, glad to hear your son is starting to participate. It sounds like he is making progress.
SnowWhite, I have been reading your posts. Hang in there!
I am so glad I found this place!! Thanks for sharing your stories with us.
Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
Texas Angel and Gamers Mom,
First of all Texas Angel, are you from TX or do you live in TX? That's where we are. I'd love to have the chance to get together with you sometime; it seems that we have had similar experiences and I'd do anything to prevent others from going through the same thing.
My son is sweet, intelligent, caring, humorous, compassionate...all those things. We tried every possible means of keeping him away from WoW, and then some. But his compulsion to play always won, and we were defeated. He found a way to buy an account we didn't know about, he played at his friends' houses or on a computer provided by school, etc. He'd play less and less, and tell us he was boring of the game and thinking of selling his character. But in the final analysis, it was easier to fall back into his virtual world than to stay in this one. I fear there's no way to keep somebody away unless they choose to do so. The behaviors he exhibited when we tried violated our family values and we could no longer tolerate it. That is why we have our son in a wilderness location (near Lufkin, TX).
I found the following post in a WoW Widows forum. It states exactly what I feel about this game. People do not understand that this is not simply about "bad parenting". I want so badly to have others saved from making the same "bad parenting" choice. I watched my son play and thought it looked ridiculous...a bunch of silly looking characters jumping around on a screen. If one of you wrote this, then kudos. It's great!
Here is the post, in its entirety........
"I realize this is mostly a widow(er) forum, but as a parent I have been shocked in the past few weeks to learn about so many people with so many problems with WoW, and wondered why/how I could have been so oblivious to it, and how I could have allowed a game seduce my child in a disturbing way. I believe so many parents and others are equally oblivious and wondered why the word seems not to be getting out.
I was thinking about all the noise made about Grand Theft Auto when it first came out, how it was going to turn children into killers, it was rated M for mature, and the local video stores simply wouldn't rent to minors. I certainly do not condone games that
desensitize people to killing, but this game (WoW) actually seems far more dangerous to me, especially as it looks harmless on the surface,no blood and gore, nothing blatantly inappropriate, yet the
seductive qualities seem dangerously powerful, yet it is rated T.
Perhaps a few people went nuts after playing GTA, but it seems like despite outcry, the majority of people played it as just a game. Now here's WOW, which is messing lots of people up big time in very real ways, and nobody seems to be noticing except the people closest to them. To borrow from the anti-smoking folks--Where's the outrage? It just doesn't make sense to me, why there isn't more noise about it."
So did you invite the author of the post to come over to this forum?
I guess the situation could be worse for us. Check out this thread in this same forum:p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm...=155.topic So far no violence or destruction in our house, thank goodness. Those posts are very scary and break my heart to read them. What these games can do to normal boys is truly frightening.
TexasAngel, if your son wants to go away to a big U. I STRONGLY recommend that you not contribute one cent to the endeavor (other than perhaps to offer to pay him back what he invested if he presents a report card with a 2.0 average). From where he's at now by your description, the risk of relapse is HUGE. I wish I had known what I know now before we sent our son to college away from home. Now I just thank God that we sent him to a state U. and only poured $12000 down the drain instead of 25-30,000. The scariest thing we dealt with was when he cut off communication. When he knew we were trying to find out how things were going he would stop answering his room phone, cell phone, and e-mail. Twice we had to drop everything and drive two hours in the night to make sure he was still OK because there was no response to any contact. I don't want to ever relive the 2005-2006 school year. At this point in time, school may not be an option for him anymore. I just don't think he can hack it in his current frme of mind.
Edited by: Gamersmom at: 11/6/06 16:16
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Wow - you guys really got it hard. I'm probably not much older than your kids myself, being only 25 this September, but I want you to know that I can empathize with you. I'm here for a good yakkin if you need me.
"This is the end...." The Doors
Quote:Where's the outrage? It just doesn't make sense to me, why there isn't more noise about it."
Where is the outrage??????
I have been asking this, since the beginning. These gaming companies are no better than drug dealers, who get their own customers addicted, so they can make more money.
Because they are corporations making LOTS of money for their stock holders, we are told THIS IS OKAY. WE CANNOT INFRINGE ON THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT. What about our rights? What about all of the relationships and peoples lives who are being lost because of these games? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE? Us women (in most cases) are left to pick up the destruction that is left in their wake. But the gamers are brainwahed into thinking IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAMES - IT IS ALL THE GAMERS FAULT, because they don't just get up and walk away. Tell that to a drug addict, a gambling addict, an alocholic, a food addict - just stop it....
The BRAIN will kill the PHYSICAL BODY to get what it wants.
WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??????????????
THIS COUNTRY IS ROTTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Who cares?
It is when good people do nothing, that evil prevails.
Liz
Edited by: lizwool at: 11/7/06 7:19
Liz Woolley
Here's what I'm most outraged about...
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutetly nothing happens in [the Universe] by mistake. Until I could accept my [disturbance], I could not stay [undisturbed]; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my atitudes." (from a story in the AA Big Book originally called "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict," later revised to "Acceptance was the Answer" -- the emphases are my own.)
Now THAT SUCKS. Talk about the unpalatable truth. No one will EVER be responsible for my (or other peoples') vulnerability to addiction. The booze companies didn't care, the weed dealer didn't care, and the gaming companies won't care if I rolled up to the Guild Wars site right now and signed myself up (sheeeeyucks, they'd be PSYCHED, actually).
But it's not up to them to not do it, it's up to me. And it's not up to them to make their games less addictive, it's up to me to run my face along the pavement with the overuse of them, until I can't tolerate the pain anymore. Some people will never make it out. That ALSO SUCKS. But The Universe has its own order, sad as it is.
And it works, when I can manage to force myself to realize it's 100% true, and live in it. It %$@#%@ hurts!!!! IT @#$%@^! HURTS!!!!!!!!!! REALITY HURTS!!!!!! But it's a gift. I have to stay here...it coughs up the true and the false alike, and with time, and loving care and help (like what Liz has given me in the short time I've known her), I can come to accept them both. Hang in there everyone.
-- Carol
could we flood dr. phil or oprah with show ideas to do a special on gaming addiction?
"This is the end...." The Doors
We don't have to lay down and take it.
We need to go to the source.
Liz
Edited by: lizwool at: 11/8/06 14:04
Liz Woolley
I'm sorry, Liz...I didn't mean to suggest by my "acceptance" post to lay down and take it. I'm just trying to come to terms with this addiction, in position with all the others.
And I'm not only coming at it from the perspective of someone who "lost someone" to a game (inasmuch as he might not really care that much about me anyway, but that's another story). I'm the closest I've ever been to picking up a new addiction, IN THAT VERY GAME, and chomp at the bit daily to keep myself from imbibing the poison.
But I can't forget that, like with alcohol, there are social drinkers. They baffle me, but they're there. I couldn't hope to entreaty the booze companies to outlaw / alter / repress / revise their business strategy as producers of alcoholic beverages, just because am addicted to booze. I know now I can't drink it, and so I don't. And I try to help those who've come to the same conclusion, through the grace of their own Higher Power.
So, if Higher Power is what you meant by "go to the source," then I completely agree. Sorry! (((((((LIZ))))))) I hope you don't hate me and think I want to fight. It's all pretty bad news, but for the sake of those whose denial / disease seeks this outlet to fail or become defamed, the game companies are just producers of another of The Million Substances that can take someone like me out of myself (or you, or anyone else here).
I think by even forming OLGA/OLG-Anon, coming here everyday, doing what you do to spread the word, staying vigilant, honoring your loss, and supporting your future in recovery...THAT'S THE SOURCE. Yep, that's it right there.
-- Carol
PS...None of this means I don't still think people should send in their chopped-up discs! DOOOO IT!!!! Smash 'em, trash 'em, squash 'em, write "F.U. Blizzard/NCSoft/ArenaNet/Sony/Whatever!!!!!" -- by all @$!$@&# means. I curse Mr. Smirnoff wherever he may be, daily. In the confines of my own crazy little head.
Edited by: Mahasiddha at: 11/8/06 9:02
After some slight improvement last week, we're back in the doldrums. The cooperation ceased and our son has, again, refused to participate in therapy, social activities, everything. Our hearts are breaking. We're so afraid we may have lost him forever.
We found out that the guild our son played with was among the best and that he was among the best and most sought-after players of his type. A note: he was also the youngest player. This was a hard-core guild, demanding participation. I'm sure our son felt not only important, but obligated. I just wish he'd felt that same sense of obligation to our family and himself/his future. Once upon a time, not so long ago, he did.
Liz, I'm hanging on to your belief that his head may begin to clear after about 35 days. We've had him there for 3 weeks now and there hasn't been a bit of lasting progress.
We thought he'd tire of this game just like he had every other in the past, including Never Winter Knights. We were so wrong.
Gamersmom, I grew up in OH and was at Cedar Point every summer. I appreciate your words about "bad parenting". The only people who don't react that way to my story are the ones who've observed it, and our attempts to intervene, all along. We did everything humanly and physically possible to stop our son from playing. But, in the end, he managed to barter his way into a new account, character and set of CDs, then would use a wireless laptop and take it somewhere where he could hack into a wireless network. We stopped him here, but couldn't stop him everywhere! That's why we had to send him away.
This forum is the only thing keeping me hopeful, since it's the only place, aside from our families, where we get support and understanding.
You may want to get him into the inpatient treatment in Illinois. They treat addictions. They are more than just a wilderness camp.
Liz
Liz Woolley
I agree w/the inpatient idea... might be the best way. He'd really feel like it's serious then.
"This is the end...." The Doors
WoW Parent,
I am so very sorry to hear about the set back. I can understand how your heart is breaking! I sent you and email via this message board. Did you receive it? Hang in there and pray, pray, pray!
Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart.
What about this place in Bradford, PA? It's far from TX, but worth finding out about their services. There's also The Meadows in AZ; they don't have a specific gaming treatment program, but it could also be worth relating your story, and possibly turn them onto developing one for the Southwest region.
Public apology: sorry if I've seemed uncaring or bizarre in this thread...it's really painful to witness a parent going through this. And yes, the game companies have either no idea, or every idea, of what they're doing. But I think I could be more collectively useful sharing my stories with someone in the Professional Community, so more resources for study, care and treatment of this insane malady can blossom.
-- Carol