Very Long story short...I was divorced when my boys were young.A Oldest 10 youngest 5.A When they got to old for day care (probably 15 and 10) my oldest son watched my youngest so I could work..thats when the gaming started.A They played together and apart, with the neighbor kids etc...Every month they wanted a new game.A For a few years i thought this is fine, Iknow where they are, they never get into trouble, they aren't running the streets, they still have friends.A My oldest son became more interested in how a computer works, the ins and outs of software, programing, engineering..he's now 21 and is Very successful.A A My younger son who is now 16 and has failed 9th grade AGAIN has never stopped gaming, he is addicted to counterstrike and everquest.A He's on the computer for hours and hours a day.A I have fought with him, pleaded with him, taken the computer away, told him how concerned I was for his health, expalined toA him the only memories he'd have of his childhood would be gaming!!!A He's always had a hard time in school, school is not easy for him, we've gone to tutoring for years, alwaysA had extra help.A Now he doesn't even care if he passes alls he cares about is gaming.A He still has never been in trouble, sometimes Ijustify the gaming by thinking, he's not on drugs, he's not in a gang...you know, complete co-dependency thing.A
So, this week I found your website and I have been trying to make him read the posts in here, he won't ofcourse and becomes very defensive.A So I started sending him some of the posts to his myspace....this is what he wrote back to me....
"ok seriously, mom I don't care quit sending me this ****. I'm not going to watch it or read anything you send me. Don't listen to the news or whatever. I ask people to hangout all the time. You don't know anything. Just leave me alone. Counter-Strike is my passion for now and it has been for a long time it's something I want to be good at and im not going to let you take that away from me. If they're going to pass gaming addiction as a psychiatric problem then thats hundreds of thousands of people or more who have a problem and need help.A "
Nice, huh?A The comment he made about asking people to hang out was because earlier in the evening we were talking about him hanging out with friends this summer instead of gaming all summer.A Plus, he's geting a job!A I also wonder if this gaming makes up for the hard time he has in school.A
I'm desperate, I will take any advice you can give me.A
Hello Vlagana and welcome to Olga! First let me tell you that I am not a parent, but I am a 42 yo recovering gaming addict.A So my thoughts and opinions are based on my personal experiences as a gamer, as a daughter to a recovering alcoholic and on the opinions and thoughts that I have read here.A And please also remember, these are just suggestions, not absolutes. Now is the time to get him off the games, while you still have the ability.A When he turns 18, he will use that as a reason to completely ignore you and it will make helping him much harder.A For now, he is still your child and needs your help.A It won't be easy.A The parents that are going through this all have said that it is a hard process.A But, if you have read the progress reports from those parents, I believe they will tell you it is all worth it in the long run once you see 'life' flow back into the eyes of your child. When I played, my whole focus was on the game.A I lived it.A When I wasn't playing it, I was thinking about it or doing research on it.A And when I slept I dreamed about it.A I didn't want to do anything else.A I justifiedA playing using every excuse in the book.A I was addicted.A My guess is this is what it is like for your son. As you have read there are many consequences to excessive gaming.A One issue most don't think about is the attitude that gaming promotes.A A The mentalities of these gamers, for the most part, is revolved around playing the game.A They "fib", they con, they manipulate, and sometimes steal just so they can get farther in the game and feel better about themselves.A Your son, if he hasn't already, will end up with the same basic mentality just based on the fact that is what he is dealing with it so much of the time.A Do NOT let him tell you that he only does it in the game.A As much as most gamers deny it, the gaming attitude does bleed out into the real world as well.A I guess I am trying to give you more reasons to stop coddling your son.A Stop making excuses for him.A He has enough of those already.A It is time to cut him off and get him to face reality. We often talk about how you can't make an addict quit if they don't want to.A Kids are a little different in the fact that you still do have some say so in what they do.A I think it is time to remove his access to the game.A He will argue and rebel and probably sneak game time, but it needs to be done.A The longer you wait, the harder it will be. The other things you can do toA help him is to find other activities that he may enjoy doing.A At first, they wont' seem fun to him because nothing will feel as good as gaming, but in time (a couple of months probably) he will start to enjoy other things in life again.A You also need to get him counseling if at all possible.A Someone else who is willing to help him with his issues without it just being a nagging mother.A And yes, there are other issues besides just the gaming that will need to be worked on, but it is my opinion that you can't start working on the other issues if you are still focused entirely on the game, so stopping the gaming comes first. Keep coming back.A The parents here are great and willing to help and I am sure will give you advice as well. Kathy
Thank you kathy, and I know that taking the computer away is the first thing I have to do, I'm dreading the fight I'm going to have on my hands. When i've takin it away before he just sleeps and is depressed..then he slowly works on me to just give it to him for the weekend..just another hour or so.. he wears me down until I give in. He tells me its his only passion in his life, the one thing he's really good at. Alll of his friends from school are on it and the friends he doesn't see any more from our old neighborhood...(we moved in the last year)..He makes me feel so guilty, for working, for moving, anything he can make me feel guilty about he does...mother's guilt is AWFUL!!!! Thanks you for the encouragement and I will post on the board how it goes when I take it from him. I am looking into counceling this week..atleast he can talk to someone else about it.
He will be sleepy and 'depressed' for a couple of weeks. Most of us that have quit playing went through similar experiences when we quit. I know I was sleeping 12 hours a day for two to three weeks everytime I 'quit' WOW. I had tried several times before. As far as giving in to his wanting the computer back for 'just an hour', think about these questions: Would you give an alcoholic friend a drink or a druggie friend cocaine? I don't think you would. By giving your son back is computer for 'just an hour' you are basically doing the same thing. Just something to think about when you feel like giving in. I have no idea how hard it is to be a parent under these circumstances. I have yet to be blessed with a child. But I think I can imagine a small part of it and even that is scary indeed. Good luck vlagana!
Welcome vlagana. I am one of the parents on this board. The attitude of your son is like my daughter (now 17) was. She wouldn't read anything (so stop pushing-you could print a couple things out and leave them lying around--maybe, just maybe he might take a look). The counseling is absolutely essential. Since he is in denial about the gaming problem, make sure you let him know that seeing a counselor is for his school related issues. Katesha is absolutely right, he is still a minor and therefore now is the time to act. Believe me, I know how persistent they can be in trying to get their access back. My husband is more apt to cave in. You do have to be strong to weather the anger that's going to come. The night I removed the modem from my child (long story but you could fine it elsewhere on these boards) she went berserk and it was the first time that my husband really acknowledged that she had a problem (but still not willing to call it an addiction). You do need to cut off access. If you can do without the internet then cancel it. You don't say how he's paying for the game. My daughter had no money and so ran out of time cards. Once she did and we did not pay for any of this, she was unable to play. She slept a lot, was still rude and irritable (but she has other issues--now in remission due to more than a year and a half of therapy in addition to the other actions we have taken). It's been about 3 months since she played WoW but she has spent playing console games. I still didn't like how much time she was spending on them but apparently they are not as addictive as the MMORPGs. In any case, she is away at a summer program now, managed to pass most of her courses this year and we are hoping that she performs in 12th grade the way she did in 9th grade. My main suggestion is that you must intervene and take drastic action. Be prepared for an exhausting time. I can't tell you how much this board has helped me. So keep coming back and let us know how things are going.
Another mom here. My son got addicted to WoW at 18. Flunked out of college (way more expensive than flunking HS). Read the posts here to learn what other parents have done to block gaming in their homes (and what the kids have done to try to get around them). The good thing is that he's a minor and you have the control. The bad thing is that he's a minor and you can't threaten him with eviction from your home. Yes, the initial confrontation is VERY stressful, but you cannot EVER give in to him again. Counseling is a good idea, hopefully with someone who understands addiction issues, ideally with someone who understands gaming addiction, and make sure you clue the counselor in as to what the problem is, because the kid will NEVER mention it.
Is his dad involved in any way? If so, you need to have him come here and read and get him on the same page. Can you enlist the help of Big Brother to get him out of the house and do other things?
Keep reading. This is a really tough situation.
Welcome to OLGA-non
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
You're in for battle after battle so be prepared. The biggest piece is that once you have made the decision to remove the computer and/or game, don't give in! The fact that it's summertime may be a good thing. We realize that each time we gave in to our son, the bad behavior escalated. He knew we had a breaking point and just pushed until he got what he wanted...the game. If your son has friends who play you may not be able to stop him from playing at their homes. If there is any way you can communicate with the parents of those friends that you are concerned about your son's game usage, you may even be able to circumvent him there.