I posted this under the "parents" section because I'm over 18 and help my parents raise my 13 year old brother. My brother has Autistic tendencies and ADHD, and has been playing video games almost all his life. If my parents would ground him from playing games, he would throw a tantrum. As he got older, his anger would increase whenever video game time was increased/invloved in his punishments. If he is not playing a video game he will still bring it up in conversation, watch Youtube videos of other people playing video games, and the only "research" he does is look up what new games he wants to play or buy. So his mind is almost always video games. When he wants a new game, he'll obsess about it until my parents eventually give up and buy him the game. His special education teacher tells us that he is always talking about games and that his class notes have drawings of video games on them. When he is playing an online game and we call him out, he rushes out gets rude with us and tells us that we need to hurry up and that we "should know better" when he's playing a live online game.
On weekends, he wakes up early even though he doesn't have school but goes on Youtube to watch gameplays or plays a game himself. He is 13 now and I feel like we have neglected this issue way too long. I do not know where to begin because we tried to have talks with him many times, but he starts raising his voice, crying, and this discussion turns into a big argument. He has told us that he plays games to escape his feelings because he struggles with his autism, schooling, socializing, and the world. I know it's an addiction because as soon as we bring it up he starts crying. When I ask him if he wants to prove to my parents and I that he isn't addicted, I'll suggest that he goes a whole day without playing then he starts crying and saying things along the lines of "you're ruining my life, why are you doing this to me?" etc. Since he has Autism it is very difficult when it comes to communication especially him telling us his feelings, and getting him to understand certain concepts.
To some it up, my parents and I just really do not what to do anymore or where to begin. Even though I'm the one that takes care of him most of them time, he gets angrier with me when I tell him to get off the game and do homework or something else because I'm just his sister and not his parent. I know it is only continuing to get worse and my parents and I need to do something now.
Welcome to OLGA, Teal. I'm a gaming addict rather than the parent of one, but it does sound like he might be addicted. The fact that he's able to see that he's gaming to escape his feelings is actually really impressive to me, because it wasn't until after I'd had some time without any gaming at all that I realized that I was gaming to escape from life.
If your brother is a gaming addict (and I'm inclined to think he probably is), then he's not alone. The fact that he recognizes that there's an issue opens up a lot of options for you, but since you're his sister and not one of his parents, a good first step for you might be to talk to your parents about it. If all of his caregivers are on the same page, it'll probably help immensely. For most of us gamers, gaming was our solution to a life we couldn't deal with...and that means that once the gaming goes away, so does our ability to cope with life. I'm still learning how to live life without games; it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and the difficulty comes both from how hard it is and from how prolonged an effort it takes to maintain sobriety.
It'll be a big challenge for your brother to learn how to live without games, but that doesn't mean that he can't. Having support from not only his parents but also his sister could be a huge benefit for him, but only if all three of you are in agreement about what needs to be done. Addicts like me tend to be really good at manipulating people, so if there's any division, it's a pretty safe bet that your brother is going to use that to his advantage. Maybe have your parents check OLGA out...if your brother is up for it, maybe he can check it out too. There's support here if you want it, and we're glad that you found us. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
Thank you for replying. I believe the reason why he was able to tell us that he uses video games to escape his reality is because my mother asked him if that what he was doing. After she asked him that, he now uses it as his reasoning. Whether or not he actually does truly understand that he is using it to escape reality or if he is just saying it because that's all he can think of since my mother put that thought into his mind, I know that he really is doing that since it is truly difficult for us to get him to stop comparing every single thing in his life to video games or acting like he is in (this is usally when he isn't playing).
And thank you for suggesting he try this site out. I told him that he was welcomed to check this out because there are others to speak with, but he basically told me off for that (which is what I expected anyways).
Welcome to OLGA Teal93! I am really sorry that you have to go through this as a family. Unfortunately when addiction hits home everyone under the roof is affected. You are such a wonderful sister to try to find out ways of helping your young brother.
I am a mother not a gamer and I totally understand where you are coming from. I agree with you 100% that unless steps are taken to save him from this addiction, it will only get worse. Thank goodness he is a minor and your family has a full control over the situation. A few things I can suggest based on our experiences:
Does he accept receiving some sort of counselling or medical help? It would be a good start to find a professional who believes in gaming addiction. If your brother is complaint in seeing him/her, it will definetely help him.
We parents here know very well by now that enabling them in our own homes makes their gaming possible. Since he is fully dependent on your family, you can set the rules and he has no other choice but to follow them . But it is important to be aware of the self harm or violent tendencies and I believe a professional's help would be very beneficial at this point.
It may be very difficult to convince him about the problem since his brain is all messed up at the moment. So, your family needs to take steps to help him whether he understands it or not.
I believe there are some facilities which you can send him for a detox but since I am not from the USA, I am not really sure where they are. A few parents here sent their children and received help this way.
I wonder whether your parents would join OLGA so that we mums can share our experiences with them. There are weekly chat meetings on Thursday nights 9pm EST which you or your parents might find it beneficial.
I honestly think that the action taken sooner than later is essential to save him from this evil.
Stick around and benefit from the wisdom, knowledge, support and encouragement shared here. Good luck. Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
You may find the article below helpful:
http://www.olganon.org/?q=for_parents_of_young_children
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
So he heard it, and then decided to use it as his excuse... :(
In that case, I don't really have much to add beyond what the parents here have already said. I didn't see a mention of the 3 C's yet, and that's important enough that I'll go over that a bit, but I think that's all I have to add at this point.
1) Cause...you didn't cause his addiction. As a general rule, addicts like me wind up where we are because the people in our lives (including ourselves) did the best they could, and nobody realized where all the choices were taking us. I certainly didn't know that any of my choices were going to lead me down the path of addiction, and if I had, I wouldn't have made them. I'm quite certain that my parents didn't see it coming either, and if they had, they would have done things differently as well. Blaming anybody for an addiction under those circumstances doesn't make any sense from the logical standpoint, and worse, it can actively hinder the recovery process.
2) Control...you can't control his addiction (and neither can he). Since he's a minor, it's entirely possible to make it extremely difficult for him to have access to his games, but that doesn't do anything to control the addiction. Eliminating enabling behaviors from the way your family relates to him is a wonderful thing to do for him, as is helping him learn new ways to cope with life, but none of these things will control his addiction (or help him to control it either). When people try to control me or my addiction, I usually get angry AND feel justified in my anger. When people simply refuse to enable me, I might get angry BUT I know that I'm not being rational. I don't know if it's like that for all addicts, but I do know that efforts at control tend to aggravate both the addict and everyone else involved.
3) Cure...you can't cure his addiction (and neither can he, for that matter). I will always be an addict for the rest of my life. There hasn't yet been, and may never be, a genuine cure for addiction. Recovery allows for addicts to live happy and productive lives in much the same way that an insulin pump can help diabetics to live happy and productive lives. Neither recovery nor insulin pumps change the underlying condition at all, but they do make it possible for the person to live a life that is much bigger than that condition...and neither recovery nor insulin pumps work well unless the person with the disease is willing to do the work it takes to make them work well.
I hope things go well, and by all means feel free to keep coming back and ask questions/keep us posted. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
Welcome teal93! Eventually, your parents will have to remove the games completely. There is no other way for a kid who is that heavily addicted. How and when to do it are the big questions, and this should be done under the supervision of a professional. Your parents will need to find a mental health professional who understands video game addiction, and it's quite possible inpatient treatment will become necessary, as this kid sounds like he has some pretty dramatic reactions to the interruption of his game. I would encourage you to have your parents come here and start reading. You and your parents are invited to our parents' meeting on Thursday nights at 8 PM CST in the chatroom. Your parents will need to create accounts to be able to attend, but after that, all you need to do is log into the chatroom using OLGA username and password. You will be in the general chatroom when you get in, and someone will send you an invite to the meeting. Click accept and you will be transferred to the OLG-Anon meetings room.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Teal93,
Hi, I am the mother of a gamer and also a retired teacher. I have some experience with ADHD and Autism/Aspergers. As you probably know, individuals with these challenges tend to gravitate toward gaming because life IS more stressful for them than most kids their age. They need a lot of help to function in a healthy way. Depression and anxiety are usually closel tied to these developmental conditions so we can see how gaming addiction can become an attractive escape. Is your brother in counseling? You mentioned that he is in a special ed class, but that is not enough. Does he have a mentor or involved in a support group? I know these can be difficutl to arrange and/or expensive, but the most important thing for him now is to recognize his unique challenges so he can begin learning a variety of coping skills. There's some online support groups for developmental disorders available that I've found very helpful.
All the best to you and your family. You're a wonderful big sis!
Thank you all for the replies. I will share this information with my parents. I was able to get my brother off the games for two days, but he saw it as a way to prove to me that I'm wrong... but the whole time he brought up that I should reward him with a new video game and more hours to play. This showed me he still had his mind on video games the whole time. Even though it was just a couple of days, I could sense withdrawal. Now he's back to playing them.
He is not in counseling, he only sees a school psychologist once in a while for random evalutations. Even the school psychologist knows about his issue with games and has given us suggestions. Other than that he is in no other groups or help because he was never "diagnosed" with Autism/Aspergers since we learned about those conditions after he was past the typical diagnosing age (3-5). We are told it's too late for a dignoses however his school psychologist and a few specialists say there's no doubt he has tendencies and is on the spectrum, he's high functioning leaning towards Aspergers. The only thing he has officially been diagnosed with is ADHD. Unfortunetly I do not think there is support that is close enough to us, and my parents are always busy and rarely have time to make appointments or join groups. That is why it is mainly me who is trying to help my brother out with video games for them.