It all started w/ Pokemon - How to break this addiction

That's very interesting. I also remember the Pokemon phenomenon sweeping the country in the mid-1990's... right at the same time as Beanie Babies (another blight!).

My gamer son was really, really into Pokemon but so was my older son, who hardly even touches a computer these days. I don't remember either of them being more drawn to it than the other, although it was somewhat self-limiting in that they were both quite young and so there was only so much money to buy cards with (and of course nothing to do on the computer with it).

The computer game I remember them being so crazed about, right at that same time, was Age of Empires. Again, though, my older son moved on while my gamer son did not...

Jane in CT

I have an adult friend that played a similar game: Magic the Gathering. I forget exactly how much money she told me that she spent on the cards, but it was several thousand dollars. Being older and with a good paying tech job she was able to fund that.

--Well, I was just writing that I don't think that card games or even board games can be addictive, but I had a thought: The way games like Magic the Gathering and (I assume) Pokemon work is that you have to by expansion packs of cards, as I'm sure you know. You pay ten dollars or so, not knowing, but hoping, that you'll get a special/rare card, and then open the package like a Christmas present. I suppose that really does have a gambling element too it, no different than playing a slot machine really.

My friend got bored with the game eventually. Being older I don't think there were as many people to play with, and they actually age the cards saying "all the cards from edition 2 (etc.) are no longer valid." --So that your "investment" disintegrates and you have to spend more money and gamble some more. I suppose that made it easier to stop after having spent so much money.

So maybe it really can be addictive. But one thing is for sure: It's an expensive hobby, and not much better than sitting in front of a computer screen all day. And the peers you meet playing games like that are not generally the peers that are going to help you excel in life.

Everything else aside that would be my advice to anyone. "Choose good friends."

I long ago gave up wondering why my son became obsessed with a game that others seem to play with no negative impact. One of the things that I learned from our experience was to focus on the present and believe in the future. It's a hard thing to do, but I have also learned to apply that philosophy to the other adults in my life, as well. Nothing can be done to change the past, and as an adult, I am responsible for my present and future. So are my (now) adult children. We have guided them as best we can. We've done some things well and others, not-so-well. All we can do now is allow them to live their lives as they choose, which means accepting responsibility for their actions and allowing them to realize the consequences.

The only "hold" we have on our children right now is financial. They know that they will get assistance with living expenses until they have graduated from college. They also know that if they aren't fully engaged in school, then they're out of the house and on their own. Neither sees a problem with that. They'd love to be independent but realize that they are in no position to support themselves. They also know that they'll have a huge advantage if they begin their financial independence with a college degree.

I appreciate what you said. I would love to see our Grandson to make it through his first year of college. At present, I'm trying to encourage my daughter, whose son is 18, and in his Sr. year, all her dreams for him are crashing.

We are starting to realize that because of his game addiction, he neither has the vision, motivation, maturity, social maturity, or self dicipline, to go to college, unless he turns around his life. He's gone downhill in his Sr. year, so much, he may not even graduate from high school. Her heart is broken and I'm just trying to figure out what I can do for him and say to her. He spends school days with me (because of special circumstances) and goes home on weekends. Lately, we realize he goes where he can play games, if given the choice and doesn't want to go, if he can't. He's always been a very good boy, but lately, nothing's important but games to him. All he wants is to be able to play games.

Oh, the magic 18! Unfortunately, all parental ability to intervene ends then. It's so sad that kids think they can ignore all responsibility for themselves...health and livelihood...and just play games all day, living in a virtual world.

We took a very hard line with our son and still do. He's loved, he's spoiled, etc. But there are some minimum expectations that we just won't budge on. Our experience has been that we were more successful than most. It's not until a kid gets a faceful of how much it takes to put a roof over the head and food in the tummy that a change can be realistically expected. A solid foundation from the start is a huge help, too.

Our boy was (and thankfully, again is!) a very good boy, too. He was consumed with his virtual world and it turned him into a different person. It hurts me to remember how we watched our sweet boy morph into someone we didn't recognize. The change back takes longer, and it's not without a great deal of pain. The only thing we did that worked was to stop enabling and make sure that he felt the consequences of his actions.

Welcome Mattsmema! You are correct that your grandson is not likely ready for college if he is immersed in a game. Don't let your daughter make the same mistake we did and send him away to school. Total waste of money. If he does graduate from high school, it's time for him to get a full-time job or go to community college. If he goes to cc, his grades should be closely monitored and he should withdraw at the first sign of failure. If it doesn't look like he can handle even community college, he should be given a choice between living in a completely game-free house or moving out on his own.

"The change back takes longer, and it's not without a great deal of pain. The only thing we did that worked was to stop enabling and make sure that he felt the consequences of his actions."

This is such a REALITY CHECK! For anyone going into a journey of wrong...It reminds me of someone saying here, "10 miles into the forest. 10 miles out." But in actuality, it's REALLY MORE LIKE this: "10 miles into the forest. 20 challenging, treacherous, painful miles out!"

We, who love these dear ones who have gone so far into the forest, must keep following the advice of well- seasoned ones like WoW parent, gamersmom, gsingjane and more...to tough-love them enough out of the forest, (as much as is possible with us!) knowing that it will also be an extremely painful 20 miles for us. but with our God we can be strong and courageous.

With caring, realism, and hope,

IHS

Thanks, I'll share this with his Mom.

Thanks, this is really helpful.

Yeah, it's really tough! The reality check will be what happened while he was completely snowed in for a week with his Mom. She said, "No games", but We'll see...

How long does it take for them to "detox"?

as it happens i have a freind round who is now just turned 18 and he found my old gae boy advance and some games he went straite to the pokemon game. hes been on it for 4 hours so far

its amazing how easily a fun game can turn into an addiction

I am new to this, a mom of a 17 year old who I believe is addicted to Runescape and possibly other games. As I type this, we are at a standoff. I found out he lied to me about an English research paper being handed in. I know he flips from schoolwork to gaming, so I told him I was going to watch him get it done and emailed to his teacher. (He has most of it typed on his computer.) When I sat on his bed, he said he wasn't going to "put up with this", closed the computer, and left the room. After a while he returned and started playing with Legos. After about a half hour, I got up, picked up the computer, told him he needs to finish the paper and email it, and when he's ready to work on it, let me know. It's the week before finals. He will fail English if he doesn't do this in the next 24 hours, may fail Chemistry, has GPA of 1.6, has ADD, sees a therapist, has medication for ADD. Has been way overboard with gaming for at least 2 years, has 2 friends, no activities...

Hey michaela, I know what Runescape is like and sadly the outcome is very bad. but there are ways to help him, try to get him for 15 minutes and tell him how you feel, do this calmly so he doesnaEU(tm)t feel threatened, tell him how you feel and that you want the best for him and say that you donaEU(tm)t have a problem with him playing the games as long as he does his work first and slowly he will hopefully come around and want to give up and when he does he will need your full support and help and if you bring him here then he will get lots of help with quitting :) one step at a time

Hope that helps

Tim

Thank you so much, Tim. I will do that.

This comment has been moved here.

My college son is also addicted to pokemon on the game boy..in addition to other games...

Hi, I am the mom of 3 kids. My oldest is 21 and has an addiction to games although fortunately it hasn't killed him academically. He is working on a Phi Beta Kappa standing at college. My second, who just turned 18, has unfortunately been dismissed for academics at high school. Thank God (literally) for the International Virtual Academy where he can complete his high school education. My son's grades have been steadily going downhill for the past 4 years. He'd always struggled, in part just because he is very bright and gets really bored. 3 years ago he made friends with another game junkie. Although we moved all the way across the country they have kept in touch, and because we went from the western time zone to the east, my son stays up all night to game with this person. We have been getting him therapy for a year and we have now completely cut off his games and told him he must start getting good grades. He had also started stealing - not for any reason; he just did it. I also told him he can no longer have contact with this other guy. We really hit bottom yesterday and I am hoping we will start seeing improvement. He started the Virtual Academy program a couple of days ago and so far so good. I also have a 16 year old daughter and while she doesn't have a really terrible addiction she does have some. I have forbidden her to play WOW - that is the real gateway game, isn't it. I am feeling just wretched about all of this and I am glad to know this site is here. Thanks for all the listening and thanks so much for all the insights. I suspect I'll be on here a lot.......

By the way - I am getting therapy myself. This is NOT easy!

Peace.......

PSS - I meant to say - it all started with POKEMON and also those stupid little stuffed toys - oh yeah - BEANIE BABIES..................

Welcome whitedog57! You're right, it's not easy. Just having one adult child who was addicted to games was exhausting. Good for you to cut off the games! Speaking from experience, my other recommendation to you would be to consider having your second son do his first year of college at your local community college. Unless he gets all of his gen eds through AP classes, he will need to get them his first year. Until you and he see how he handles a college work load, it will be best not to send him away to school.

Hugs to you!

Hello. I am new to this site. I am wondering if my son, who is married with children, has a good job, (in I.T.) attends church and family events (mostly) is an addicted gamer. I am pretty sure he is. He does not live far from us. He has been playing games for over 12 years. He does not exercise or do much with his wife or kids. He neglects his house upkeep and yard. He plays games on the computer every day when he is home, 3+ hours a day, maybe more, I don't know. He says he would rather stay home than go on vacation or travel. His young son comes over to our house asking to play a game, go on a bike ride and active things like that. (we are very active grandparents) He says his dad only "goes to work, does a few things around the house, then plays video games all the time". My son is very overweight and has health problems due to this. His wife seems to be resigned to living with this situation. We have tried once to intervene, but it did not work because wife did not support us in it, even though she said she would. Son has "given up" WOW and similar several times in the past, but always goes back. I can see him sitting at his computer every day when I walk by his house (he sits by the window). He has taken off work a lot to stay home and says it is because he didn't sleep well that night, but I think he plays late into the night and then plays all day when he is off from work. My question is: should my husband and I confront him again? His health problems and the sad fact that his kids spend more time with us than him and his wife's lack of caring (it seems) seems like warning signs of worse things to come. Our son is a very smart guy, with talents and a good heart. But he is wasting his life away on fantasy, and his family is suffering. What should I do, besides pray, which I do every day?

Fourseasons, even if your son's gaming is a potential problem, I wouldn't say or do anything if I were in your shoes. He's functioning for now. If he loses his job, home, marriage, etc., then he'll have the problem. He has a family of his own and they are the ones that will have to deal with whatever comes their way.

If he eventually comes to you for help/advice or crashes and burns, then you can most certainly aid him in his recovery. He has to want it for himself, and at this point it doesn't seem to be having the negative impact that makes it desirable.

fourseasons wrote:

My question is: should my husband and I confront him again? His health problems and the sad fact that his kids spend more time with us than him and his wife's lack of caring (it seems) seems like warning signs of worse things to come. Our son is a very smart guy, with talents and a good heart. But he is wasting his life away on fantasy, and his family is suffering. What should I do, besides pray, which I do every day?

Fourseasons, read my story. I think your son has a problem and is heading into serious trouble. His family appears to be falling apart. Mine did! Gaming addiction is insidious and it is destroying families. I pray that your son realizes that gaming is an addiction that will destroy everything he loves. I also recommend a local Celebrate Recovery program in your area to deal with his addiction.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrate_Recovery

Agree with WoW Parent. There is not much you can do except to educate yourself about gaming addiction and be there if he decides he needs help. If possible, point his wife toward this site and encourage her to get educated too. Be there for your grandson. That's about all you can do. Hugs to you.

Welcome to Olga, Fourseasons. From what you have written it does sound like your son has a definite problem with gaming. However I believe you are doing the exact right thing at this stage, by praying for him daily. Keep doing that. He is married, he has a wife and family, and although your heart goes out to him, if you try and intervene much at this point you will probably just cause greater distance between you and him, and perhaps even his wife. If I were you, I'd work on my relationship with his wife. She may seem to be resigned to living with this situation, but maybe she also has no idea what else to do. She probably is needing support at this time too, and I agree with Gamersmom about pointing her towards this site. She may need help in learning how to stop enabling him. This is something that you could actually do.

Read more in Olga to see how others cope in similar situations, and also how low some of us ex-gamers have to get before we see the light. If he is an addict gamer he will probably lie about how much he is playing and how it is affecting his life, but he will do anything to protect his gaming. Praying daily is a great thing you are doing for him.

Fourseasons, I think you should discuss the problem with his wife and educate her as advised by others above and I would even educate a subjective third party who your son trusts. Then I would have his wife, third party, and even you, sit down to educate him on the dangers of video game addictions, share with him stories of ruined lives, and demonstrate the dangers.

The problem with "video gaming addiction" is that society and the medical community do not recognize video game addiction as a true "clinical problem". Thus, gamers continue to play thinking that games are an healthy outlet to their problems. This is why, as a physician, I dove into gaming and not drugs, not gambling, not food, and not alcohol. As a physician, I thought, "how can games hurt me?!"

I want to tell you a story. I treat a lot of glaucoma in my clinical practice. Glaucoma is a disease that will silently and painlessly blind patients... glaucoma is an insidious disease. Without proper education of the disease, patients will stop their eye medications thinking that "it's only eye drops" and show up years later on the verge of blindness. Why do patients stop their drops? Because previous doctors did not educate them and emphasized the severity of glaucoma. When I counsel patients who do not take their disease seriously, I show them a white cane, explain to them how the optic nerve dies, and that if they remain non-compliant, they WILL be blind and need the white cane by age 65.

Similarly, when counseling families on the dangers of video game addiction, an insidious disease, I find that through education, families take action and will intervene. I do recommend intervening through education. Educate his wife and educate your son. Because he goes to church, I recommend that you should consider educating your pastor and perhaps setting up a meeting with the pastor and explain to your son that you want to help and that you care about him.

If your son needs to talk to someone who has been in the depths of video gaming hell, then I am willing to chat with him on the phone and tell him my story.

Dear MudPhud,

I just found out how to find my question with the answers on this site, so I have not read these until today! I have to click on "track", right? Anyway, thank you so very much for you story, which I read and your care and advice. I was able to talk with my daughter-in-law extensivly this past weekend about her life with our gamer. It was much worse than I even thought. I told her about OLGA, and she said today that she checked it out and also checked on local Celebrate Recovery meetings--2 in our area. But she is afraid to talk with her husband now. She has always been afraid. She is pleading with us to not talk to him "yet", while she prays and considers what to do. She said that if she talked to him tonight it "would be a disaster". I am wondering what that means. They have 3 children under the age of 7. It seems like others on this site say "stay away" or only pray. I know praying is very powerful, but I have been doing that for many years and his problem seems to be getting worse. He is more that 100lbs overweight, has a serious, wt. related issue, is depressed, morose, self-hating comments, etc. What I want to know is: should we (my husband) and the wife and maybe a trusted 3rd party set up a friendly meeting with my son? My husband did talk with our son a few days ago, too. He expressed that we feel our son might be addicted to gaming. Our son denied it and said his family was in no way affected by his gaming. This is completely the opposite of what his wife told me! Now, if we meet together and his wife backtracks, saying she never told me that stuff, what do I do? This is what happened 3 years ago when we confronted our son with his gaming problem. (locking his 2 year old in her room while he played in the basement with headphones on--"babysitting") Things changed a bit after that--no locking kids in, gaming upstairs in plain sight (now the kids get to see daddy play his games for hours) and no headphones. This son has given up WOW at least 2 times. Cancelled his account. But somehow he is back at it again. Advice?

Thanks for your post, chopsticks. I did point his wife to this site and she said she checked it today. She is very fearful of talking with him about gaming, though. I am working on building a better, closer relationship with HER, and plan on talking with her more. If she indicates I should butt out, I will. But she seems to be very desperate for help and has not opened up to anyone. And the problems are worse then I thought. I am trying to get her to have lunch with me and a 3rd party to discuss things.

Thanks for your thoughts, Gamersmom. You are all saying I should "educate" myself and others to help our son. Besides reading posts on this site, what else could I do or read? Should I attend a meeting of some sort? I printed out the questions from the "screening tool for excessive gamers" on olga. I said "yes" (for my son) to 3/4 of the questions. Should I give him this list? He has not asked for my help.

fourseasons wrote:

But she is afraid to talk with her husband now. She has always been afraid. She is pleading with us to not talk to him "yet", while she prays and considers what to do. She said that if she talked to him tonight it "would be a disaster". I am wondering what that means. They have 3 children under the age of 7. Advice?

I am not a lawyer. So this is NOT legal advice. I am a physician, but this is NOT medical advice. This is personal advice based on my story and personal experiences.

In my situation, my wife felt like I was a danger to her and the kids. In retrospect, she was right. My video game addiction changed me and my anger/temper was unhooked. I was easily provoked and constantly on short fuse.

IF your daughter-in-law feels like she is in a dangerous situation, she needs to protect herself and her young children. If she doesn't act and "something happens" to the kids, child protective services may get involved and she may lose her kids. Consider having them move in with you, filing a restraining order, and then proceed with intervention with a 3rd party including a doctor knowledgeable with treating video game addiciton (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbASiRI2GfU), therapist, and the trusted friend. If he is abusive or endangers the kids or daughter-in-law, then call the police to have him arrested.

I am not giving legal advice. I am sharing my story and what my wife did to deal with my video game addiction.

I can understand your concerns about the lasting impact Pokemon has had on your son. It’s true that Pokemon has captured the attention of many since the '90s, and for some, it becomes a significant part of their childhood. The combination of adventure, collection, and strategy can indeed make the game addictive for certain people, and I can see how it might become a challenge if it continues to occupy a lot of his time even as an adult.

As for the notion of Pokemon introducing him to gaming addiction, it’s important to remember that the game is not inherently harmful. While any hobby can become obsessive if not balanced, Pokemon, in itself, doesn’t promote anything harmful or "occult" as some may fear. It’s largely about exploration, friendship, and strategy. But I do understand the struggle of watching a child become too immersed in something that doesn’t seem healthy in the long run.

Maybe it would help to have a conversation about balancing hobbies with other aspects of life. Encouraging other interests or hobbies outside of gaming might give him a sense of variety, which could help reduce the time spent on Pokemon. It’s also good to remind him about the importance of maintaining a balanced lifestyle.