Need Guidance in Letting College Son Suffer Consequences of Gaming Addiction

Not sure if this would be of any help... maybe you could encourage him to visit this website..

If he came to a meeting, he wouldn't have to share, he could just sit there and listen.

It might be a wakeup call... or not... if he's in denial, he's prolly not going to be very open.

But hey.. i came here and my gaming wasn't ever quite the same there after....

Hi Dana,

You pose some tough questions, ones I'm not sure any of us has the definitive answer for. But, since you asked...

I guess having been through a very similar story with our own young adult son, the bottom line is, if he hasn't realized the reality of what gaming has done to his life as a result of what's happened so far, the likelihood is, as you say, that he won't until he hits that proverbial rock bottom, which won't be over Christmas. You are absolutely right when you say these kids are living in a total fantasy land. It's like, sure, I can handle a full-time course load, studying, social life and... game 24/7. I'll just get around to writing that paper or studying for that test... later. It's gross immaturity, coupled with the siren lure of their drug, the games.

However, you know what? It's still your house. I'd say, if it's going to make you crazy and wreck your holiday to watch him game, then don't. If he can't tolerate 24 hours in your home without gaming, he can go stay with a buddy. (I assume he has a full set of loser gamer friends, just like my son does.) As to your other son, well, nobody up until 10 years ago even had the opportunity to game at all, and they all seem to have survived. He can get along without it for a week if he has to and I don't think I'd feel guilty about that one bit. If you really feel bad you can do other things with him he'd like and that don't involve the computer. It might make it a more fun and enriching holiday all the way around.

Our son, too, is up against a deadline, and I am pretty sure he will wind up in the same place as your son, eventually. My whole beef with my husband is that the more we play with the deadline, the longer it's going to take to get to the bottom. So, my son now has an alleged quit date of March 1, and an alleged deadline of August 1 to get out of the house if he isn't quit and committed to school by then. We will see!

One last thing, you didn't cause this by being "controlling" or anything else, okay? Your other son isn't an addicted gamer so there goes that theory. You don't have responsibility for this anymore, if you ever did, so just stick to your guns and your strategy.

Jane in CT

Dana, I think you need to do what will make the holiday most liveable for you and your family. If you forbid gaming, your eldest's behavior may be even worse than watching the back of his head or having him closeted in his room. And I do understand that the majority of kids can regulate; I'd hate to see your younger son have a less-than perfect holiday because of his brother.

You are right...he'll likely be right back to the gaming the minute he gets back to school, so forbidding gaming over Christmas won't solve that problem. And you are also doing the exact right thing by making it clear that he won't be coming home for financial support if he loses his scholarship. I hope for his sake that he gets a handle on it and manages to control himself next semester, but I also believe he will have to quit entirely. My recovering son is 21 and a Junior. I know the only way he's done so well is because he hasn't touched a game since 2006.

We live in the same state and metroplex as you. Both of our kids are at universities in-state. Our freshman daughter has a friend whose roommie is a gamer. They never saw him, but said the room smelled like a hamster cage. There were times when he used the sink as a toilet because the commode would have taken him out of eyesight of the game. He moved out suddenly last week, before finals began. Of course, we all imagine and assume that he flunked out. As far as his roommate could tell, he never attended a class.

Gamersmom will probably weigh in here shortly. Her son wasn't on a scholarship so the investment lost when he failed out of college was hers. It's so sad to hear these stories, and it never fails that we hear more than one during the Christmas break. That first semester of independence is definitely a make-or-break one. Please don't hesitate to keeping coming here for some understanding and support. We really do want to help if possible. Please keep us informed!

Dana,

I have a mother just like you! And trust me; I am not saying that in a bad wayaEU|I am complimenting you.

BaEU(tm)s were never good enoughaEU|If I got a B (which I have) she would tell me aEUoeYou tried your bestaEU|aEU but I knew she secretly wanted me to get the 4.0GPA. She was still proud of me, she still would pat me on the back and congratulate me, but I knew she wanted me to get the 4.0.

In May of aEU(tm)11 I will finally graduate with my coveted degree that has taken me years to acquire (med student). I can look back and say that everything my mother has done, regardless of how controlling she has been throughout my life, has been for the greater good of myself and my family. She is very controlling and in large part it was due to her belief of aEUoeI want you to have a better life than I have hadaEU|aEU

I have always had to follow her rules, both of my parentaEU(tm)s rules. My brother, who has been an avid gamer most of his life, was always the culprit behind my sister and I not being able to enjoy some of the amenities our family has had. When his grades would plummet in high school, they would take away the gaming consoles in the house. More specifically, they would remove the game controllers and hide them. My sister and I had straight AaEU(tm)s yet because our brother was more interested in games than in school work, we suffered. At the time we felt it was unfairaEU|why should we suffer? We did nothing wrong! But now, as adults, both my sister and I do not blame our parents for those actionsaEU|we blame our brother. We knew why our parents took such actionsaEU|it was because of our brothers inability to realize what was more important.

The notion we always fell back on was very simple: their home, under their roof, follow their rules. Your younger son may feel the impacts of your actions but in the long run, he will not blame you. He will be able to rationalize the situation and understand, you were trying to protect your other sonaEU|just as my sister and I feel today about our parentaEU(tm)s actions when we were younger. They were trying to prevent our brother from failing his classes.

If you feel that taking away his gaming outlet will help him in the long run, it is your choice to do so. Do not think it will have an adverse effect on your other child. If anything, it will help teach your other son that it is acceptable to enjoy leisurely time gaming but it is not healthy to make it an ongoing trend.

Dana wrote:

Hello, My son has always enjoyed gaming. I was never a fan, but as a very controlling mother (not a positive trait so I now know that I helped create this problem) when he lived at home, I had very strict rules of how long he could play, grade requirements for priviledges, etc..

I would like to addaEU|if it was not for my motheraEU(tm)s controlling nature, I do not think I would be where I am today. I have wanted to stop school so many timesaEU|especially at the end of semesters when finals come around (like now!). But, I know this is what I wantaEU|and because of my motheraEU(tm)s drive she has instilled in me, because of her desire to give me a life she never hadaEU|whenever I feel like quitting, I look deep down inside of me and I see the dream I want to liveaEU|which is being a doctor. Whenever, I feel like my head is going to explode due to too much workaEU|I take a good 20mins of aEUoemy timeaEU to get away from my studies. Like I am doing now! lol And in 5 mins, when I get back to my homework and my studying, I will be able to concentrate and make good gradesaEU|for me, for her, for my family and for my future.

Do not look at your controlling as a bad thingaEU|I for one can attest that a controlling mother has helped save my lifeaEU|it has pushed me so hard in my life. It took me a long time to realize thataEU|but now that I have, the enormous love I have for her is unending! Hopefully, your son will see that, and if you decide to take more controlling actions to prevent your sonaEU(tm)s downfallaEU|it will be for the best and not for the worst.

Welcome Dana! Here I am, right on schedule, LOL.

Dana, it took me years of reading this website to get to the point where I could "Let go and let God" when it comes to my son. I am impressed that you have reached this point so quickly. At this point in my son's freshman year of college, I was frantically trying to "fix" things for him. What a waste of time and energy. I admire your restraint, even though I know you must be screaming on the inside. This is so sad, but as WoW Parent has said, this scenario is very common at this time of year. (We had a little warning in November when we realized our son had not registered for spring semester, so we weren't totally blindsided by the failing grades in December, but it was still a major shock.)

You have to decide what you can tolerate in your own house. Maybe if you explain things to your younger son, he will understand and want to help his big brother by keeping the games put away.

Hang in there Dana. You are not alone.

Hi Kate1song

Per your post, I have a 19 yr old son I'm trying to get to come to this site. How do you get to listen to what on what link?

Dana,

I too have a son (19 yr old) waiting for the grades to come back. He gamed even during Finals week. I personally hopes he does not just skate by but instead gets poor grades to demonstrate the seriousness of gaming in school for the addict.

Keep us posted on your son's progress.

Hi, Dana,

Welcome! As I read your post, some of the same thoughts/possibilities came to me that jane and gamersmom wrote. Namely, that if YOU are not pleased with gaming in your house, especially as your older son "uses", I would not have the game around. You will just get so frazzled, and miserable inside, that it is likely to surface at some point, or maybe begin a decent set of ulcers if it doesn't.

This IS your house, and not to be bucky, but you can only allow what your conscience and sanity allows, or you will feel like a nutcase. It seems that part of you is trying to be "overly fair" to him (for whatever reason), finding little loopholes because of the scholarship or not because of the scholarship and so on. You DON'T "owe" him any gaming time whatsoever at your house. Nor your other son, nor joeblow who comes to visit. And, who knows if any individual who games "moderately" is not sitting on a keg of dynamite, ready to "blow" into full force addictive gaming? Stranger things have happened.

I also had the thought that you might talk with your younger son and if you don't want to permanently get rid of the game, lovingly tell him that it will be out of the house for this duration, frankly, because it hurts/bothers/etc you too much to see his brother...and/or how it harms the best in his bro and you can't and won't be party to it any more. Bring the system to a trusted friend's house if you are ok with that and want to retrieve it after the holdays. Or decide at that time if you and your family still want it back in the house.

The point is NOT that you're going to try to get your son to "quit" over the break. It's that YOU need to be able to live in your house with the freedom to choose. And this all may bring forth some interesting issues, though they may not be very pleasant...all part of a process. btw, where is dad in all of this? Where does HE stand?

I remember well how sick to my stomach and edgy I felt at times when my daughter and her husband would come for a visit...sad but true. I was always wondering, "is he gaming?... I hope not." "is he GOING to start gaming here?" "oh no, he was up so late again..." "i'd like to just take and shake him!!!" NO MORE, Praise God! I hope i will NEVER do that to myself again! But then...I hadn't visited OLGA yet, and had not yet gained some of the insight, strength, and hope that I currently have. And of course, for me, MUCH prayer helped in the long run.

Sincerely, keep coming back!

IHS

Ok, I hope this isn't a stupid thing to ask...but do you have conversations with your son that are honest, that is, where you are asking him lots of questions and if he just mumbles answers, say to him, "Hey, I really want to know what's going on with you, because I love you and I don't want you to lose the scholarship...what can I do to help? Lets talk about this." A close emotional relationship where you each share concerns, thoughts, feelings?

Or is it more like a military-style relationship...you don't often talk about feelings, your son is expected to be self-reliant, do the right thing, not show weakness or imbalance... "Why can't he be more like his brother?"...are you thinking that? He is the older one and is smart and you've been concerned for some time about his skating through at the last minute with acceptable grades but not what he is capable of (because he is smart.) Maybe things are much worse than he has shared. Maybe he has failed more than one class, or all of them. I suggest getting more involved because some people hit the rock bottom and then stay there... That doesn't mean that you would be an "enabler." But maybe this son needs more guidance...he sounds as though he is pretty involved with the X-Box thing.

Serena

SJ.. not sure what you are refering to.. we have meetings nightly in the chat room. You can see the tab at the top, in the site index.

One logs into chat with their user login. There is also a link for the calendar for meetings.

Hope that helps.

How soon do you think things would start changing? Plan accordingly.

It doesn't really matter whose house or scholarship or what not...

Schools and society today tend to be crappy places for learning. Ask him to learn more about himself and to tell you about him, what he likes, what he enjoys.

What to do over the Christmas... I'm going to go out on a limb and say it doesn't really matter. Tell him not to harm himself, however, now or in the future.

A few tips (which you may already know)--use with discretion! You don't really have to do much. No nagging please. Nagging for one means you're caring too much (too selfless), and at the same time, means you're caring too much (too selfish). Anything done by force/ordering/commanding comes off as a threat+you need something from him. Everything you do should be out of/as an option, simply because you can, w/ or w/o his cooperation. Nothing worries you, especially the stuff that you can't do/aren't doing. No complaining, doubting, or anything like that. Do not work yourself into becoming desperate. If he asks for things you can't/don't want to do, tell him that it's boring and takes too much work. If you think you can pull this off, let him do all the doing but "remind" him but in an effortless way. For example, if he were in the room playing whatever, tell your family/his brother, "Let's not bother {name_here}, cuz he gets so irritable when interrupted!", but say it at his door so he could hear it over what's going on inside. IF he actually comes out, well you've got his attention for once, so don't mess up:)

Sorry to hear this and hope I never have to walk through what you are walking through with your son.

I have known people in AA who hit the boundary wall and the family did not let it slide. One was a young adult (college age) who asked for $20 for bus fair to get out of the current town she had created a mess in, ostensibly wanted the bus fair to bail her out. Her mother nearly gave it to her, and in the end decided not to. That woman now has over 20 years of sobriety and attributes the turning point to her mother's refusal to give her $20.

The other friend I have was a teen when her parents kicked her out of the house--already a blackout drinker straight out of the gate. They had laid down specific rules to abide by in their house, one of which was not drinking. She didn't take them seriously, and they made her leave. She spent the next several months living in a filthy trailer that had a pallet in the shower because the shower was mold encrusted to the point that you didn't want to touch the shower walls or the floor. She came back to her parents willing to at least abide by their rules, but she wasn't completely finished. She later moved out, got her own place and created more personal wreckage (within 1-2 years of the initial being kicked out of the house). She too has over 20 years of sobriety and attributes the beginning of the end to being asked to leave the house as a teen.

I only offer these because I know what you are going through must be painful. While getting out of the way so that the addict can feel the consequences of their own actions is hard to do--it can be lifesaving, both for your sanity, and ultimately for the addict. We never get to know the pain thresh hold in advance, and hopefully your addict has a very low one. Hang on, I think you are moving in the right direction, and I'm sure you will come to a decision that makes sense for you.

You don't have to tolerate this in your home, and you don't have to foot the bill for it. Indeed you might be killing him if you allow it. Your college age guy can certainly apply at Youth Corps for additional training as a way to get re-oriented, so he is definitely not without options.

We continue to debate and advise here, but haven't heard a peep from Dana since the first post. Time to put this one to bed, folks.

Yup, agreed. Hopefully Dana will come back when her life becomes a bit calmer.

Jane

Well, I chatted with her at length one day in the chat room and I recommended she post here,

So, she may not be responding, but i know she has been on the site and reading your comments.

I told her that she would get a lot of thoughtful insight..

Hugs to you all for following through on that.

I think that was great, Kate... Dana hasn't been to the site for some days now but we do know that posters often come back. And so we will hope with this one.

Jane

Yes, it is up to her if she wants freedom from games or not. We can be here for support when she chooses to search for freedom...

Interesting question. I am a recovering gaming addict, and i have an 8 year old son. He loves gaming. Since I've quit, my husband and i have been dragging our feet when it comes to getting him new games.. gaming equipment etc.

My son asked for second DS for Christmas. For the first time my husband and I just told him no. We weren't going to be spending any more money on gaming coz we've realized how hurtful it can be in one's life.

Your son is a lot older than mine. If he truly wants an Xbox, he will prolly eventually get one. But you do not have to feel obligated to fuel a potential addiction just because he wants one and he's a "good kid".

You might even refer him to this website as a reference.

This comment has been moved here.

Dana, I'm glad to see you back again but sorry that the circumstances aren't better. It sounds like you are ready to do what needs to be done, and that is to let go. That is the hardest part, for sure.

As much as I'd like to be able to say otherwise, I have to agree with you that he is more than likely being dishonest about his gaming time at school. He's obviously extremely bright as are most of our sons. As moms, we know what it takes for them to succeed in school, and that is not much at all. The only way our son failed his high school classes was by sleeping through them and never touching a book outside of them. If he just pays attention, he gets by without a problem.

This summer will be a rough one for you. Please keep coming here for support if you need it!

Welcome back Dana! Sorry things are not going well, but I continue to be impressed by your ability to keep the problem on your son's shoulders. Good for you! Rather than sending him back to the same college, you might consider suggesting to him that he try a semester at your local community college. He could repeat the classes he failed, and if he fails again, at least he won't be thousands of dollars in debt. We gave our son one more shot after he flunked out of a state university, but it was at community college. We allowed him to live at home on the condition that he get a part-time job and that he not play games in our home. Here is a link to our story:

http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/24780

If he insists on continuing to play games, you can give him the option of finding his own place and his own internet connection. If he continues to play games all summer, it's almost guaranteed that he will fail in the fall.

My honor scholarship son just got kicked out of college - almost full ride scholarship gone due to gaming addiction. I too was a controling mom- very little gaming at home and when his game friends came and I left for a day to come home to them still playing 8 hrs later with no food eaten or even water- I knew we had a problem. His first semester at college he limped by but the second semester he was given academic probation. He swore he would stop playing etc. etc. so we co-signed a student loan to help cover what the scholarship did not. Mid way through his 2nd yr first semester his acedemic advisor wrote me saying he was not connecting with his classes. I found out that meant not going!!!! I was livid! After more promises etc. etc. he totally failed every class that semester. He promised he would do fine once he went back and we told him if he did not get his GPA up he would lose his scholarship and get kicked out of college. His advisor has asked me if there was someone he could open up and talk to around Christmas time but he did not say what the problem was. We were pretty much in the dark about the excessive gaming until the bank started calling us in March. We found out his debt card was over drawn by several hundred dollars- late fees, over draft charges and he had checks he just did not bother to deposit them. At that point I insisted he give me his bank info and got online as to my horror I saw multiple charges for riot games/ streaming something. When I checked it out I saw that he was paying what it looked like was monthly fees. Since he failed college - he kept telling us he was doing fine by the way- and came home I confronted him with these charges and he said they were automatically taken out. It was only after we decided to leave him home in charge of our business to visit his brother that the addiction became apparant to us. I had installed Covenant Eyes and had blocked You tube and all games. I left his lap top with him and gave him a list of things that had to be done. We took another lap top with us and to our horror while we were gone we saw his conversations in Skype involving games and you tube. We called and confronted him and he lied about what he was doing etc. The main issue was to mow the grass. We were returning Monday night and he sent a text that a.m. saying the grass had grown again and that his wrist was sprained and he was sick. We called and said get to work. When we returned he was gaming and the lawn had not been cut. He lied and lied and said he had cut it and even after being taken outside he continued to lie. He finally broke when my husband got on his computer and wrote to his Skype gamer buddies that he was addicted to games and they had cost him everything. His scholarships, he failed everything for the entire year and he owed hundreds of dollars due to his gaming addiction. He finally broke and wept. He had wept before and even told us he did not play anymore but he finally realized we were taking the laptop away from him and it was over. He was resigned. I think he is just biding his time here. We would take the modem into our room at night at first - we are sure he has snuck downstairs to game each time he comes home- and now we lock the screen with a password. He is VERY smart. An Eagle Scout etc. But he became a liar and we can't trust him. I won't even let him get library books. He loves fantasy so I checked out history and science, which he used to love. He got an account here because I told him I wanted him to get help but he does not really want to do it. His game of choice - League of Legends. I found the charges were to buy things for the game-I guess. I don't understand much about it. We even made him downgrade his phone in case he played it on that. He used to look up you tube videos about it. I am sick at heart about his addiction.

Dana - You are taking the right path, as painful as it may be. My wife and I had to make the same decision. Fortunately, it has worked out well. Our son is taking ownership for his life, and making his own decisions. In some ways, I think he likes it better this way - we don't nag or interfere with his life decisions.

It has not been a fast path - this is 2 years later that real progress is starting to be made. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Welcome to OLG-Anon, lost-everything....

I have made you a member so you can read my story from the link in my previous comment above. You will see that our story is very similar to yours. I presume your son is now over 18. He is an adult now, so you have no further obligation to support him if he chooses not to obey the rules of your house. Please read my story and some of the other stories from parents here. PM me anytime if you have questions.

Thank you so much. I read your letter to your son and wept. It speaks my heart as well and everything we have been through- just a different game. He claims LOL is not a MMORPG or even an onlive Role playing but is a Tower Defense. Whatever that is. Perhaps you know. He gave me a list RTS, Tower Defense, RPG & FBS. His eyes glowed just writing it down for me. So sad.

Since he has no access to the internet unless we are there he is off for now. I cautioned him that there are gamers at Community College and that he cannot stay after classes but must do all homework at home. I have run into the gamers while I was taking classes there. They hog up the student lounges and disrespect all others. They have horrible personal hygiene as well.

My son not only did not go to classes he stopped showering, brushing teeth and neglected his responsibilities and lied continually. He would not answer his phone, e-mails or texts. We had to text his roomate and bother him to get ahold of him about issues like the bank calling etc. He always told us "he was working on it" as far as his grades or anything else. We have a heating/cooling business and he is working 10 plus hours now mostly with his dad. He starts back playing with a band in a few weeks- community one. He always thrived on activity and I am encouraging him to start again. He is 20 but has the maturity of about 14 or so. He is also passive. He allowed a friend at college to take over his life- he is the one who introduced him to LOL. He has dropped out but is a millionaire and does not need to go to college. All his friends at college were gamers. He used to play Jedi Academy, Legos and harmless games but with time limits etc. Now I will not allow him to play any game on the computer while he lives at home. I hate all games for what they have done to him. An Eagle Scout, Congressional Gold Youth Medalist, Honor Scholarship for Mechanical Engineering, served on tons of community teen advisory boards, and it has all been thrown away due to gaming addiction. But thank God he is home now and seems to want to put his life together if he is telling the truth. My fear is that he is biding his time here.

It doesn't matter what kind of a game it is (and I am certainly no expert on the different types). If he got so involved that he flunked out of college and lost an academic scholarship, he definitely has a problem, so don't even engage in discussion with him about the relative dangers of the various kinds of games.

Good luck to all of you now that he is home.

Thanks! It is easy to get caught up in the small details and not see the overall picture! I am looking into getting him counseling as well. This site has been so helpful to me!