Need Help Creating a Contract for My Son

Welcome to OLG-Anon. I am the mother of a 21-year-old addict who flunked out of college, throwing $13,000 down the drain and nearly derailing his future education completely (thank goodness for community colleges!). The older your son gets, the more serious and costly this addiction becomes. If you have read the signs of addiction and agree that he is addicted, it is extremely unlikely that moderation will work, but it probably will not set things back too far if you try it ONCE and only ONCE. The American Acadamy of Pediatrics recommends no more than a total of 2 hours of "screen time" (games, TV, videos, computer, etc), so I would stick with that. It goes without saying that all homework must be completed before any screens are turned on, and in our house, back in the day, a child needed to have a B average on their most recent report card to be able to spend more than ONE hour a day in front of a screen. So write something up that contains those guidelines, have him sign it, and see what happens. I'm guessing it will take about a week for him to violate the contract if he is an addict. If he does, that's it. After seeing what the World of Warcraft did to my son's brain (personality changes, complete inability to focus on ANYTHING but the game, inability to communicate with other people or even make eye contact), I have become fearful of what these games are doing to the still-developing brains of our younger kids (my son was 18 when he started playing WoW). In addition to all that, I am concerned about online games in general now. I have been told by gamers that the environment in some of these games is abusive and full of "adult content and discussion". I would not be surprised if some of these online games that are directed at younger kids might be populated by predators. Think about this: Would you let your 12-year-old talk to strangers in a chatroom online? Some of these games are pretty much like chatrooms once you get into the game, the way the kids talk to each other. Does he play this game in a public area of the house where you can see what he's typing or hear what he's saying into a microphone, or does he play them in his room? Just something to think about. There are lots of posts from parents here, with lots of advice from other parents. Also, be sure you read the third thread at the top of this forum, as it contains a summary of all the advice that has been given to parents of minor children here. Good luck to you. You've caught this early, so there's still time to avoid tragedy.

Adorekt, we're happy to help but sad for you that you have to be here. Gamersmom has it right; be on your toes because it's likely your son will break his contract...after he's attempted to break you down and get you to relax the terms. So many of us have been through this cycle and I'm fairly certain that we've each come to the conclusion that the thing that must happen is complete cessation of the game. You are fortunate that you have caught on to this so soon. I'd be very, very cautious about any type of MMORP game; you may want to do some research and make sure you know what to watch for. The busier your son is with things outside the game the sooner he'll begin to forget about it and engage more in real life.

Yeah, older but (hopefully) wiser here, too. If your son truly has the beginnings of an addiction going, then a contract is gong to be a piece of paper to him. Remember that many (most?) online games reward sneakiness, duplicity and outright lying as part of their gameplay, so your son may well become highly motivated to scheme his way around the restrictions. But maybe not. If you guys do try this and fail, well as Thomas Edison said in another context, you've just tried one way that didn't work, then it will be time to move on to another one that might. In our case, we tried moderating play for years with our son. He was just turning 15 when life fell apart and he crashed. I knew right away, as soon as I found this site and did some research into MMORPG's, that half-measures weren't going to work. We'd already tried those... not a formal contract per se, but charts, chits (that he could earn) and of course many long, tear-soaked, drawn-out arguments with his dad and me and promises to reform and keep to a strict time limit in the future. I don't know much about Fiesta, but WoW (our son's game of choice) is a time sink and it's virtually impossible to truly moderate your play, again by the terms of the game itself. Our son would go along with the new program for a week or so, then we'd get careless, then he'd start fiending, and before we knew it... right back up to the same level, time after time after time. Another comment I had was about your son's ADD diagnosis. I know from dealing with lots of kids with this issue, that sometimes it is hard to find activities where the child can succeed and the other kids aren't cruel. Have you ever thought about Boy Scouts? That is one group where your son can be a part of things, and he doesn't have to score goals, or sit still all the time, and where they seem to have a pretty high tolerance for mischief. I also know that ADD kids can need a lot more time to get schoolwork done... a heavy computer habit is obviously going to interfere with that big-time. And as you know the academic load is only going to get heavier as he advances in school. You are extremely smart to be dealing with this now. I really, really wish I had faced facts sooner, before my son gamed away two years (and more) of his young life. He'll never get those years back. I wish you much luck, and hope to talk to you in the future! Jane in CT, mom to Willyhog

You are in a good place for help with this issue. So welcome but yes, we are sad that another parent has to deal with this. I know the developmental psychologists pretty much advocate contracts for a variety of behavioral issues. I am sorry to say that the contracts did not work with my daughter whose game was WoW. Still, you can try it at least once. Of course, figure out how you are going to know for sure he is playing only the amount of time allotted. Gamers find ways around the imposed limits. Unfortunately, I think I came across some information somewhere that these virtual games are one way for ADD kids to focus. From my point of view, it is the wrong focus, especially if it is interfering with their development in other areas (social, etc.). One thing about being a single parent is that you won't have to be struggling with a partner about what to do (this has been an issue for me and my husband). On the other hand, you won't have the support of a partner for those times your child will act out when he does not get his way. However, we are here for you. You are lucky to be catching on this early when the possibility of success with him will be greater than for some of us who caught on a little later. One positive thing about the contract with our daughter was that at least we could say that we gave it a try.

Welcome to OLGA, you're among friends (as you can tell). There are a bunch of us moms on here, most of which have already weighed in. My 17 year old game addicted son tried moderation for 2 months and now has no access to a computer. It was after about 5 weeks off computer completely that he began to see how deeply he was addicted. I say try moderation, once, stick to your guns, but be completely prepared to remove either the game or the computer if and when you need to. Remember that you are the boss in your own home. If we had done a contract, my son just would have lied and sneaked to get around it, that's the addicts way. Perhaps a contract will point out to your son how little control he really has, I don't know. Keep coming back, we care about what happens to you and your son. The support I got here enabled me to finally do what I needed to do to help my son.

Hey Susan... one more thing that just occurred to me... if you guys celebrate Christmas, make sure Brendan doesn't get anything game-, electronic- or screen-related as a gift. (I know, this should be sort of a "duh" thing, but I think we unconsciously enable sometimes!). You might want to use this opportunity to get your son presents that will start him on the way to new interests and hobbies... whether this is something like a bicycle, or a backpack to go hiking with, or a basketball, or binoculars or a telescope or a remote control plane... if he's interested in ANYthing else besides the computer, or even if you think he might be, this is a terrific chance to get him started on some real life 'fun stuff." Take care, Jane

I seem to be full of second thoughts today, but one more thing occurred to me to share with you: our son, Willy, has transferred an awful lot of his time, energy and focus to playing the piano. As I write, he is over at church practicing on their (much better) piano ... he probably plays 2-3 hours a day... downloads sheet music from the internet, checks it out from the library, you get the picture. Yes, he does still play FPS from time to time, and sometimes, especially on weekends, it is a problem, but generaly speaking I am thrilled about this transfer of focus. Interestingly, I had held off on lessons for him for years due to the expense and yes, it's true that it's probably costing me five times what WoW did, but honestly, I'd pay 100 times what WoW cost me to have him doing something constructive and beneficial like piano instead of being glued to the screen. Maybe you can think about. or at least try, some other activities that might really start your son's engines running. For us it was more a matter of luck to find piano (plus he does have a choir leader who is a wonderful pianist and this has inspired him) - when he first quit we tried a bunch of different things and he wasn't interested in anything for a good long while. I am now convinced that many gamers could transfer their energies into one specific area and work wonders with all that time, attention and focus. Just some more random thoughts! Jane

I agree Jane. I see my daughter transferring the focus to art but I also notice that she finds other ways of procrastinating on doing her work. I have to say Susan that so many of us see these children as very strong willed! Hang in there.

There is nothing wrong with offering something to replace the game. If that means it's a reward like a phone I can think of far worse things! We tried offering a lot but our son's response was that nothing else interested him, everything else was boring, etc. If your son can go a period of time without gaming, at least he's got something other than the game to earn!

I see nothing wrong in giving appropriate rewards for staying on the contract---except no gaming related materials.

That is just the thing, to really succeed in recovery, we MUST rid ourselves and/or the gamer, or playthings (the game), playgrounds (game forums, websites), and the playmates (other gamers who do not want him/her to quit). I am also interested in hearing about how this contract will work... there have been excellent suggestions in this thread.