Hi everyone, I just came to this site yesterday. Spent entire evening reading other posts. Already got some help from those posts. But I feel I don't know what to do anymore. Here is the background: I was a single mom since my son was 3 years old, due to one of the parent extremely unreasonable, son was starting escape to reading since 2nd grade. Later was game. He is always a sweet, good nature perfect child in parents and other people's eyes but I know he is hurting from his unhappy parents. at that time I want back to school got my degree so I can have a better job to survive. I spent 2.5 year finished 4 year requirement that also means I was very busy at school work means I may not give him enough attention. Again, he as into reading sometimes little game on the Gameboy handheld. Until he was in 7-8th grade, have more chance get on computer. he started escape to online world. Throughout the high school, I was constantly fight with his game/computer usage. he was doing "great" in school, when he graduate HS he was national merit scholarship winner, GPA >4, full ride scholarship for state university and made to Eagle scout. yes, he doesn't like sports at all no matter how many we ask him tried and boy scout is the only thing he likes. but again, he spent 90% of his time game online and minimum effort on school work (he told me that). he also worked part time a little because he needs money to play online game. we shut done internet at midnight but sometimes he sneaking if we forgot to shut down. and I used watch him to study so he won't get on game, yes I was sit next to him as a prison guard. he hate it. I tried everything for him to do less game.
During 11th grade, he suffered from teenage depression and I have him see professional counseling but son refused, only had few time and the counselor said my son was ok. Not depressed. But as a mother, I know better. End up I continue seeing counselling to change myself to a better parent because I can't change him. He still a wonderful child but when comes to game, it is another situation. My counseling went about 1 year until my remarried husband had cancer and lost his job. My son has very little relationship with my husband; he is just in the game world which is much better place than the real world.
however, he loves hangout with his friends, but most of his friends play game too, they often play online togeter. it's all about game!
After high school, son doesn't like large state university where he has full ride scholarship and wanted go to the small private college that he loves. it is a very good college son loved people and culture over there. I thought if he is happy with the school/people, he will play less game and do some study. if he doesn't like the large school he have more reason to game. Well, first semester just finished and he failed one class. if he lost $51,000 worth of scholarship/financial aid help, it is impossible he can continue go to that school. and He is clear aware of that. he knows we don't have money as my husband is not working and my income is low. However, he still failed.
he has been spend lots money online buying games, he had a debt card to pay for school suppler, books but 99% end up his game purchase. Now we only put $60 a month for his allowance still, 99% are end up game. His bio father give him little cash and he worked a little at campus but all money goes to his game. I know, I am send him to a freely play game world and feed money monthly to play game but I am worried if he doesn't have any money, he couldn't buy any school supply when he needed.
He usually shuts done when we talk to him regarding game and not talking to us, he always very loving and kind when we talk something else. he said after he left home off to college, he realize the capacity of his parents are HUGE!. he is such a good child but family, future never win over game.
We also have a 6 years old daughter from my second marriage which loves her older brother.
Anyway, after I babbling so much, my question is: if he flunk out school come home, how we can force him to find a job? He doesn't want to work so he can play game all day.
Thanks for listen, I am lost! I could not bear to watch him fail.
Welcome to OLGA. I am sorry about your son. Please consider this statement carefully about dealing with addicts:
"I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it."
You cannot "force" him to find a job, BUT you don't have to pay for his bills and don't have to provide him with the Internet in the house. You can remove all the games and game consoles from the house. Don't enable his addiction.
Other moms can chime in. In my family, we lock down all computers, give dumb phones to our kids, and got rid of all games. If these attempts fail, consider professional help with Dr. Hilarie Cash at http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/ or at U Penn (http://abcnews.go.com/Health/hospital-opens-internet-addiction-treatment-program/story?id=20146923), the only two Internet addiction centers in the US.
I have experience as an addict, as a parent of an addict, and as a doctor who works with addicts and professionals in the addiction field.
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
Thank you mudphud, for your reply!
I do understand that only way to have him get help is himself wanted help. right now he knows he plays too much game but he always saying he play little, he refuse to think this is a problem, only parents are create problem for him.
as you said: "I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it." I totally agree that I can't Cure it. I can't Control it. but the past 18 years that if I do things differently, learning be a better parents, knowing game addiction's truth, very possible there will be much less trigger for him into game. everyday, i am thinking what did I do wrong. well, that is way too late to figure out.
My only hope is he is able to survive this coming semester and doens't have to come back to home because he will not like it without his gaming and the rest of us will not have peace.
thank you for the links!
Welcome to OLGA, Seekinglife. I'm a recovering gaming addict rather than the parent of one, but something that my addiction has taught me pretty clearly is that nobody can force me to do something I don't want to do, and when people try to force me to do things, I don't usually respond in anything like the way they want me to. Mudphud mentioned the 3 C's (you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it), and I have to echo that. Blaming yourself (or him) won't help anybody, trying to control his addiction (or him) is likely going to backfire, and trying to cure him sounds like a great way to make yourself exhausted and frustrated.
Mudphud also mentioned enabling, and learning how you can eliminate enabling behaviors would definitely benefit him and possibly benefit you as well. As you learn more, you might be surprised by some of the things that can actually enable an addiction, but don't give up. Addicts can and do recover if they decide that recovery is what they want more than anything, and as you learn to eliminate things that enable him, you can increase the chances of him deciding that he wants to change. You can't control him or cure him, but you can remove some (not all, sadly) of the obstacles that keep him from wanting to live differently than the way he's living now. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
Please tell me more about enabling behaviors that I can eliminate. such as no computer, no game machine, no money for game, have him pay rent if he lives home.
what about when he still lives at campus? don't give him money so he can't buy games online?
thank you so much for your info!!!
Since he is an adult now, you aren't obligated to spend a dime on him anymore. This probably sounds really harsh, but seeing as he is spending all of your money on the game, it's clear that HE thinks he has enough money on his own to provide for all of his immediate physical needs. If you're helping pay for his classes, you don't need to continue. The money you're sending him for supplies is clearly being wasted on the games, so don't bother sending it anymore. The debit account you set up for him is going the same way, so stop putting money in it.
Anything that he uses to support or excuse his gaming is enabling him, NO MATTER HOW BIZARRE AND TWISTED HIS THINKING ABOUT IT MAY BE. If he's an addict (and I rather think he is), his rationalizations of his behavior are going to be clearly divorced from reality, but they will still tell you how HE is justifying his behavior, and give you some ideas of things that you might be able to profitably change. Any time you have specific questions, feel free to come back here and ask them. Hopefully, one or more of the gaming moms will show up soon, as they have much more experience with dealing with this kind of thing than I do.
I will say that if you're going to make drastic changes in how you treat him (cutting off all monetary support probably qualifies as drastic, no matter how well-deserved it is), it MIGHT be worth sending him an explanation. If you want to do something like that, my two suggestions would be to keep it BRIEF and POSITIVE. "I'm glad you're doing so well that you only need the money I've sent to buy things in-game, because things are tight enough back here that I think I won't be able to send any more money for a while" is a LOT harder to argue with than "I'm so sick and tired of you spending all the money I send you on your stupid GAME that I'm going to stop sending you money". I hope that helps, and best wishes to you as you learn how to deal with this. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
thank you so so much LearningSerenity, I really need your advise like that. when comes consequence, I usually don't know how to implement. your detailed scrip is very useful for me., I read your post again and again!
This is a difficult situation. He hasn't flunked out yet, but it's quite likely he will, and his scholarship will be gone. You don't have much control over that. I would recommend that you reconsider that 60 bucks a month that you put on his debit card. Make sure his meal plan is covered, and maybe see if you can set ups some sort of account at the campus store so he can buy incidentals, but I doubt he needs 60 bucks a month in cash if room and board are paid for. Knowing what I know now, I would pull him out of school, get some sort of medical deferral of this semester, and tell him he can go back next fall if the gaming is under control. He will not be able to control his gaming, and you will have to pull him out of school. He can enroll in community college and get a part-time job. If he doesn't like living in a game-free home, he can move out. Your house, your rules. Make sure his mental status is stable and there are no concerns about suicidal or violent tendencies.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Thank you Gamersmom for your advise. do you know when pull him out of school for medical deferra, do I need to prvide school some doctor's notes? or any paperwork?
yes, son's bording and meals are all coverd. we give him debit card for books, school suppliers, eat out, movies such. but he use 99% on game so far. when we visit him we also give him some cash like $100 per month avarage. i just want to make sure he has money for emergency use. also besides his large scholorship/finincial aid, we still have to pay out of pocket about $10,000/per year, which is take out from retirement saving. we just want to make sure he got all his needs for his education but I know his pattern is no motivation, doesn't care. looks like my last hope will fail too.
for the last 5 years, I have been heart broken and so sad to watch him screwing all the opportunities comes to him, knowing if he doesn't change, he will not have a future. my cowork told me if I keep bail him out all the times, he will not get anything done. they suggest me pull him out of college and send him to his father. I don't know if that is good idea. his bio father hasn't recognize his addiction yet, and works full time. if I send son to live iwth him, my son can just play all day game...the bio father doesn't have close relationship with son, son usually avoiding go visit him since he turn 16.
I am so worried!
Seekinglife,
I am the mom of a teen gamer. Our home is now game free. He attends a commuity college part time and works part time. It's been a long road getting here and a very long story.
What I can say is that you're off to a good start, spending time reading relevant posts and other information about internet gaming online. There are also a number of books and videos that are very helpful. As for the practical stuff, this is a good place to be. Many of us moms are going through the same thing to some degree.
As parents, as long as our children are dependent on us (or minors) we do have some control over what they can and cannot do. The most important thing to focus on right now is that your son not game. If he's gaming excessively while going to school he is simply wasting your hard-earned money. I'm sure you don't want him to go to school unless he can get the full benefits (as opposed to doing the minimum). I'm sorry that he is risking losing a scholarship. It's very sad and unfortunate, but escaping through any type of addiction is far more serious than delaying education for awhile, in my opinion.
If your son does not do well in his current semester I would suggest he come back to a home where he has no access to video games. He may go through withdrawls and be very depressed. If he becomes severely depressed or threatens to harm himself or others, you will need to seek professional help. After a time, if he does not choose to work and/or attend local college then you will have to decide how long he can live in your home without contribution. If he has trouble getting a job, you can offer him the help of a life coach or mentor. You will need to work out details with others who live at home regarding transportation, etc. It will not be easy, but is a better alternative to freely gaming or living with his father, if his father is not going to be serious about the issue.
When you are ready, it's important for your mental health and your sons overal health to make a plan and carry it out without backing down by allowing him to game in your home. You don't have to do everything at once, just one step at a time. I agree with an earlier poster that you will want to sit him down to communicate your concerns in a loving manner. "Son, your father and I love you very much. We want the best for you. We want you to grow in your independence knowing that you cannot rely on us to provide for you forever. We desire to support your education but we're not willing to throw our money away. We believe that your game playing is detrimental to your attainment of independence because your studies are being neglected. We understand that you have had some challenges in the past and we are sorry if we were partially to blame. At the time we were struggling with X,y, and Z. We can understand how much that must of hurt you, how lonely you must have felt, etc. and want to help you heal from those hurts and want to see you grow to be a successful, independent young man. We are very sorry." I woud give him as many opportunities as possible to share his thoughts and feelings without critisim or defensive response. "We are concerned that if you're spending a majority of your time gaming then you are going to lose out on important skills that will help you to achieve your goals."
All this may have to happen over a number of conversations, depending on how much he can handle. At some point however, no matter how much he may disagree with you (if he does) you will have to communicate to him that you must, as loving and responsible parents, do what is right for him. You can then share with him your plan. He does not have to acknowlege that he has an addiction and does not have to agree with the plan.
This is just an idea of how a converstion may go. Not knowing your son or your circumstances, your conversation with him may go very differently. I hope you're able to come up with a doable plan and your son is soon on his way to taking the next step to a healthier life.
I hope you continue to find support here and find our suggestions helpful. You must do what is comfortable for you and what works for your family, but allowing your son to destroy his life with gaming should not be an option, as long as you have the ability to effect a change. In the future, if he chooses to live on his own, outside your home, find some way find a way to support himself and his ability to game, well, there may not be much you can do at that point...but I'm guessing that's a long way off. So, don't lose hope...there's a lot yet that you can do to help steer him in the right direction. He's a good boy with a good heart with a family who loves him. I'm sure deep down he knows that. Hang in there!
Thank you mommy3, for your reply! I am saving these messages and read again and again, these are given me courage, wisdom and comforting me. I appreciate so much.
last night I wasn't feel good and I was sitting in my son's room, his name is Kevin. I was in Kevin's room crying big time. I miss him terribly and I know he is 2 hours away from me, at his dorm, gaming. I cried, like other moms here, all these years, the only person/reason for me to cry is Kevin, the only reason for me to argue with my husband is Kevin. My husband is not happy that I let Kevin continue become an irresponsible person, not give him the consequence when he blow thing off. I try to protect Kevin from my husband, which is really don't know what elso I can do. I am worry my son and have to keep consequence away from him. It wasn't easy all these years at all.
Kevin has a famous smile, everyone calls kevin smail. He was a happy child, until high school, I couldn't figure out why he is no longer smile. until one snow day at his 10th grade, we work, school closed, Kevin was at home, of course play game. when we got home, we found the Prescription pain pill bottle was missing (we always pay attention to pills), then we found Kevin took 4 pills (these were for my husband's surgery) I was terrified, my world turn upside down. I asked Kevin why he took those pill he said the grey snow day just made him so so so sad, so sad that he feel hurts, he couldn't get out the hurts feeling so he searched our medicine cabinet and found the pills. school had class to teach kids about drugs so he know what those pills could do. later on that night he went to a overnight outing and talked to an older scout about the pills. the old scout told kevin that never try it again. from that time, I know Kevin had adolescent depression. I set up appointment for kevin seeing prefessional help but Kevin didn't want to go, he keep saying he is nothing wrong. he had few sessions then refuse to go. the doctor told me that Kein was smile, chatting with him all thoese sessions and don't seems he had depression.
I think after 11th grede, he seems better, he had many friends and active at many school club.but after come home from school, club, friends, he plays game. from that, I was affraid that if I too harsh on his game, he may dressed again. so I allowing him play but set rules and time for him to play. now without the restriction at dorm, i think he plays a lot!
I am just write out my thoughs and don't even know what I want to say...sorry!
You would have to check with the college he is at as to what is needed to pull him out of school and get a medical deferral.
All I can say at this point is that continuing to hand him $160 cash every month is not going to help him quit gaming.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Seekinglife,
It makes me sad to hear your story, but it's not a completely unusual one. Certain boys can be prone to depression and addiction (mine is) and it's common for father's to have high expectations for their boys. We, as mothers, often play the part of smoothing over the rough edges as we see our sons hurting and maybe tend to lighten up on them more than we should. Life can be overwhelming for them which explains why they would escape to drugs or gaming. I understand the fear of driving them further in that direction. You did what you felt was best and if you had acted differently there's no telling if he would be better off. Parenting is not easy and not one parents feels they've done it all right. You have given him a great foundation in supporting his scouting experience (I was a cub scout leader for five years) and despite his low points, it sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and the fortitude to work through the challenges. These are really rough years for young men in our culture as it is now, but all these experiences are going to stregthen you and your son over time. It's OK to cry it out for awhile; that's what moms do. We are utterly heartbroken when we see our boys veer off the path we so lovingly set for them. But all is not lost and there is hope. After the tears and after doing your research you will find a way to cope. It's important that you seek out support, be it a therapist, friend, support group or here at OLGA, or combination of all these. You will find others going through similar struggles who will give you hope and inspiration.
For now, if you haven't already, you may want to write out and send a nice light letter to your son telling him how much you love him and how proud you are of him for the accomplishments in his life and that you are always there to support his goals for his life and path toward independence. At some point you are going to have to eliminate his ability to game so you may feel better knowing you have told these things to him (even if he doesn't respond).
You may want to think about seeing an addiciton counselor or one with experienced with suicidal ideation. I'm sorry the previous therapist did not take your concerns seriously. I think you need to find one who does.
Wishing you all the best. If you can make it to our parent meeting tonight we would love you to join us, 6pm Pacific Time. Just go to the Chat Room tab and click on "Click Here" to enter the chat room. You'll need to enter your username and password. Wait there and someone will invite you into the parent room.
Thank you, Gamersmom and mommy3, for your suggestion and comforting.
the communication between Kevin and us is Facebook message, I he doesn't like my message, there is no response from him and he avoid come to facebook. so I learned maybe I should give him space. since he off to college, our relationship getting little better becasue he realize how much we love him and mommy no longer nagging at him. but everyday the first thing I do is getting on the facebook to see if he pop me any message and see what time he off facebook last night, well, usually is am.
This morning I sent him a messge that telling him we loves him, want support him in anyway while he is in school. but we do believe his gaming playing is hurting his academic success and wish him not to playgame but find other activivies in the campus he can do. I ask him if he could do that. of course there is no respond from him.
the next message I will send to him is that I will telling him he can use his money to eat, movie, anything but game. he will not allow to spend anymoney on game. I don't know how he willl respond my message. I can only hope.
Kevin's dad and I were come from a non religous country to US tu seeking a better life. we were deeply in love, had beautiful future in our mind when we first came to US 23 years ago. after we settle down, we had our first beloved child, Kevin. the goal of me is to be a great wife and a great mother. The birth wasn't easy, Kevin was transfer to children's hospital for two weeks after he come to this world. I wasn't even able to hold him in my arm becasue I was too weak. 5 days later when I able to visit him in children's hospital in wheel chair, he looked different as when he just born. I hold this little baby in my arm feel little strange. is this my baby? the baby I wanted and waited so long to meet?
shortly after that visit Kevin came home finially and my mother-in-law where there helping us. Postpartum depression wasn't regonized and the things went south. end up my monther in law took my baby back to our oversea hometown, at that time, Kevin was 11 month old.While Kevin was gone, I cried every single day and working very hard try to get him back to me. the next time when I saw him is one year after. he comeback to me as a toddler boy. the first time he saw me at airport, he was quite, maybe a little mad at me because I left him. but soon, he was very attach to me, and I carry him anytime he want me too. finally I able to hold my son, able to kiss him, love him, care for him. he is so precious to me!
the marrige between me and Kevin's father was wen't well due to personalities/mental change. all of us suffered, especially for Kevin, he got yelled and scold just because he wants mommy. I didn't fight much because if I fight, only make dad more mad and hurt Kevin more.
when I been second time locked in our apportment for two weeks, I ask GOD: God, if you are real, please show me the path that I should go, please point direction for me, please GOD. God did answer me, when I see the church bell rings and doves flying to the sky, I know God want me to seeking freedome. after about 6 month, we divorced.
I never forget, one dark cold day when Kevin's day took Kevin to a beach part for his visitation, they came back aroud 5pm, dad said Kevin doesn't feeling good, didn't play and smile and even talk at all at park. Dad asked him what was wrong, Kevin didn't say anything, just tear came down his face with no expression and said: I want to go home, I want mommy. Kevin was running high fever that night and I never able to forget how sad he was that day. he was 3.
as first generation immigrants, with insecure about their future, fininal, they usually press their children't academiclly a lot. thinking only good grades, good school leads to good job, secure life. I was the same. now I know how wrong was that. There are manytime he has to finish his extra homework instead of I spend time with him DOING the things he wants to do. We moved to the best school district but only able to live in Condo, which means playdates are limited because all his classmates were living in huge house. But we did find some time biking around the neighborhood, waking and spent time in library together.
I am sorry I am telling our story, I just feel I need tell you the things about Kevin and I. I miss him so much while facebook show no response from him.
Seekinglife,
I am a Christian and I believe that if you call on God that he will come to your aide. Through many tears and hearbreak, a year ago, I called out to God with immense pain and fear that my son would continue to harm himself (again after two brief incidents), or worse, take his own life (like my own brother did as a young man). In an effort to get help for our son, and because he was still a minor, we were able to send him to a theraputic ranch, by the grace of God. In that environment he was able to be fully removed from access to games, to learn to work on a ranch, ride horses,recieve counseling from therapist and wise men (cowboys). While he did not come back after the three months a perfect teenage boy, we feel the experience was helpful. I realize you cannot do this now that your son is no longer a minor, but there are two programs in the US that could be helpful, but they do cost money and K would have to be willing to participate. I can't say what level of help he needs at this point or will need once he's not gaming.
I do think the first steps that you have taken are very good ones (what you described in your fb communications). I know it hurts, but I'm not suprised he did not respond. He may not respond, but you do certainly have a right to require him to respond, at some point, as a condition for him going to school or for you supporting him.
As for the pain that you're experiencing, if you are a believer, I can tell you that I had to verbally, emotionally, intellectually, "give my son" back to God. He created our sons, gave them to us to take care of, presented them as a gift, and we are called to place them in his care and to trust God with them, just as Abraham did and other parents of the bible. I KNOW how hard this is, but it is the one thing that brought me nearly complete peace. In addition, my son's life was turned around for the better. However, I've learned that we can pray for circumstances to change, yet what God really wants is for us to draw near to him and to trust him to provide the circumstances that will carry out his will, not ours. I know you may be asking God why he would cause this suffering, especially after having to "give up" your son as an infant. I am so sorry, I can't imagine what pain that must have caused you. Then having to deal with a divorce on top of it all. But...you have come this far with God's help and he will never leave you or desert you! We cannot fully understand why he allows things to happen. If we did, we would be God and clearly we are not. Some day we will fully understand, for now we need to simply trust. What I'm sharing now is for you as one mother to another mother. You will need to come to terms with this situation and find the strength within you, with God's help, to move your son in the right direction.
As for your son, he will have to come to terms with his challenges when the gaming opportunities are no longer there. He may react in many different ways and he may, after time, be open to getting the help he needs to process the pain from his past. Many of the gamers here (and moms like us) have supported one another in healing from not only the gaming, but the underlying issues. I came from a dysfunctional family and have learned so many beautiful things from recovering gamers. My time here has been a blessing and I see that my son is growing and maturing in the absence of games in our home. Of course, he still has much to come to terms with yet. He has a developmental disability which makes some things in life more difficult for him. He has not accepted that yet and of course I hoped that he would so he could get the assistance he needs to cope and progress. He refuses help at this time. But I do see on his own he is moving ahead, but very slowly.
I'm glad you shared your story because there are those here who will relate and who will be blessed. My son and daughter did and do attend one of the best public schools in our state. I don't intend to offend anyone by this statment but as Honors and AP students, they share classes with many kids from a cultural group that has very high expectations when it comes to grades and studies. I see firsthand the pressure that schools and parents place on their kids and I do understand both sides, why parents feel compelled and why kids feel overwhelmed. I think we need to realize that some kids can handle the pressure while others cannot. We are all wired differently (I am a retired elementary teacher, by the way, which doesn't mean much, but just saying). My daughter is brought to tears on a regular basis (she's a soph) because of the pressure of her honors/AP classes. She has decided to drop a level in one subject which is OK with me because I realize she can only handle so much and she works hard to do her best.
It is not my place at all to tell you what you should think or do, but as for my son, we had to lower our expectations in order to give him a chance to "catch his breath", take time to consider what he may want to do in life (leaning toward computer programing-which we think is great). From a professional point of view, we have to allow our kids to explore their gifts and passions and to develop a motivation to pursue a respective education. I don't know if your son is "burnt out" on school or trying to "run away" from childhood pain, or something else. Nonetheless, in time, those are some areas he will need to be willing to explore perhaps so that he can begin to grow emotionally. As you know, if he is playing games, then he will not have the opportunity to grow and he may even damage the normal devleopment of his brain. As you can see his relationship with you is being negatively affected (but that will get better, I believe).
I know you miss your son, but you will get stronger as you lean on your faith and God will give you a sign as to which way to turn (as he did with the doves and bells). But sometimes it takes much longer than we want it to and we become hopeless. During those times I listened to uplifting (and sometimes sad) inspirational music (Pandora is a good place to go for this, free music). If it is OK with you, I will certainly keep you in my prayers. There is still much that you can learn and much that you can do. I pray that God will provide you with the information that you need at this time to tackle your fears and concerns. Many are here to provide input in that journey best we can. I'm glad you keep coming back. From a mom who knows, try to take some time away for yourself, time to spend with a friend, exercise or a hobby to reenergize. Also, prayer groups and bible studies, if your able, always help me to stay strong spiritually. I need that!
Again, thank you for sharing your story and your heart. It always helps me to share and helps others to know how to help me too. Blessings
Thank you mommy3 for sharing your thoughts, inspiration and your story to me. I found from your words, I feel greatly comforted. I am saving everybodys comments and print them out so I can find the wisdom offline when I needed. I do need some time to digest your comments and transfer to my understanding.
Through all these years, especially now when I look back, I sure see God never left me along, actually God was carry me all the way to today. Without God, I am impossible survive physically, emotionally and financially...and we are continue receive God's blessing.
I am continuing my story.
After divorce, I had few month of depression. While I was learning everything include culture, social like here in US, where is very different as my home tome. I didn't know mental health is very important. I didn't even realize I had depression. For weeks, I wasn't able to get out bed, I was just tired and sleepy, I didn't know how to cope with my pain. However, I do need to get up cook for Kevin, send him to school bus stop, that's about all I was able to struggle with. Kevin wasn't bothered by my condition, he watch TV, read book, waiting for me to recover and unconditionally loves me. Now I realize Kevin is the one who saved me. He made me get up and going. Few weeks later I was able to go back to work.
Deal with parents divorcing wasn't easy for Kevin. After each visitation to his father, he always come back sad and angry and need time to recoup, I wish I know what to do to ease his pain.
I will continue my story tonight, thank you for listen...
Hi seekinglife, welcome to OLGA! I am another mother of a 20 year old. I read your story and I am really sorry about what you had to go through. Life is not easy and we all have our own challenges and difficulties. I believe this is how we learn life lessons and become better human beings. Pain and suffering makes us seek ways of coping and in the process hopefully we learn our lessons and have peace within ourselves. I hope you find the strenght to cope with your situation.
You already received wonderful responses and advice. I can relate to a few things you mentioned in your post. My son also was a very high achieving student and was a recepient of an academic scholarship(very difficult to receive) at his high school. He dropped out of school in year 11 which was a shock to all of us including his school because he was still one of the top performers academically and in other areas as well. Being a perfectionist, I think when he realized that his grades might suffer, he quit. I believe he was under a lot of stress (he always had high expectations of himself; when you add this to the expectations of the parents, teachers and the friends, it was too much for him) and escaped gaming as a coping mechanism. I believe without him realizing, he became addicted to the internet first and than to gaming. He spent more than 3 years of his life mainly gaming. We were devastated and tried to understand what was going on. He was very reluctant to go to the therapists. In despite of that we managed to take him to a few but they all had different suggestions! Mainly, they said there is really nothing wrong with him. Maybe a bit of anxiety, a bit of depression but nothing to be concerned. To cut the long story short we desperately tried many things but as you said he would shut off and would not engage in the conversation or block his ears and wouldn't listen to us. It was so depressing to see our intelligent, gifted child wasting his life at home. We cut the internet off, took his PC etc etc. But he was clearly depressed and we didn't know whether taking his computer away would make things worse. Finally one doctor told us to leave him entirely alone and he said he would come out of it himself. That was the only thing we hadn't tried so far so we decided to try. After about a year and a bit all he was still playing games all day alone. Than he accepted a part time job offer but only worked for 3 months then quit saying it was very boring. I was so desparate and by coincidence (It was meant to be) I discovered OLGA and finally realized that he was addicted to gaming. That was the best thing happened to us since his problems started. By the help of knowlegde, wisdom, support and understanding shared here we were able to make a plan and follow it through.
I don't know whether our plan would have been successful if he didn't realize and accept his addiction to online gaming after reading Dr Doan's book and reading some of the posts of recovering gamers.We realized that as long as we enable him, he will keep going. Therefore we cut the internet to nil gradually. It was a struggle for a few months but eventually he offered himself to sell his computer and gaming account and he did. Him being a very determined person, unless he wanted himself I don't know how succesful we would have been. But at the same time if we didn't stop enabling him and providing him the information, I am certain that he would still be palying.
I wonder whether your son would look at this site and perhaps reads some posts. If you are able to get hold of some books and send them to him, would he read or at least flick through them? Dr Andrew Doans ' " hooked on games" and Kevin Roberts' "cyber junkie" are very informative books. They are written by the people who experienced addiction first hand. So they know how it feels like.
Things are by no means perfect in our household. We are still not out of the woods yet but at least it appears that we are on our way out! My son hasn't played any on line games for nearly four months now but two weeks ago he bought himself an xbox(second hand, old model modified so can't play online games) which we were very sad about. We could stand very firm and say it was game free home but did not want to create a confrontation yet again and wanted to observe how things will develop. Having said that we made an agreement that the max he can play is 6 hours per week without exceeding an hour in each sitting. We keep the controller and the xbox. He says he is addicted to online games only and he would never touch them again.My son's problem is that he still has too much time in his hand, he is bored. He hasn't started anything constructive yet accept he is exercising, walking, swimming and completed a course with a purpose of employment but unfortunately he still hasn't got a job. Things are much better than 4 months ago but unless he occupies himself with more healthy activities I am concerned.
I am sorry for a long post but I wanted to share my stoy with you just in case there is something you find applicable to your situation.
As a summary I thing their awareness of the problem and willingness to quit is very important (especially now that they are adults). Perhaps if you provide him the opportunuties to find out about this site (emailing him the link for example) he may realize he has a problem and maybe tries to do something about it.Secondly we have to stop enabling them. But every situation is unique and family circumstances are different so I hope you find the wisdom, knowledge and support you are seeking here at OLGA community and find the most suitable approach for your case.
Please stick around. We understand what you are going through. Crying, desperation, helplessness, guilt..... yeap all very familiar. You will be in my prayers. Hope to chat with you during our chat meeting today .I am hoping to be able to attend today.
Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Hi Seekinglife,
Welcome to Olga! It must be very hard to go through this; I don't envy your position. I can only speak from my personal experience as an addict. If I don't want to quit, no one can make me quit. If I don't get to suffer the natural consequence from my gaming, I would never understand what it was like to live a game-free life. This was very important step in my recovery. Quitting the game is easy but staying-quit is very hard. I have to have the desire to get getter on my own (not the family) and I have to walk this path. No one can save except me and no one may.
When the addiction is active, thing just does not make sense for others. It is very hard to reason with the addict because all he/she sees "I really need to game because I want to feel better. No one understands what I am going through."
What gotten to me in the end was self-realization or other calls it "Rock Bottom." We are all different and each has their rock bottom; some are more fetal than others including death.
They already mentioned the "3 C's" and the enabling behavior in the above posts. The rest, it will be up to you to take care of yourself. Learning to detach with love and allowing the gamer to experience his natural consequences from his addiction. I hope that your son will find his way back to reality.
I also created a personal blog to share with families who are suffering, and I hope you will find it helpful.
http://olganon.org/?q=node/42035
Hugs,
Maggie
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
thank you Maggie for sharing your experience. You are very right, no one could change them, no one could stop them game.
I went other sites to learn about enabling and detaching. Found out that I am very much an enabler, and addicted to my son. I have two children but seems I only addict to my son only, not sure why.
Tough love does pay off in the end, you know. I did not believe it at first but I do now. It hurts when we become tough with our loved ones, BUT it is for their own good. The price that one must be willing to pay in order to ensure best future for the next generation.
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
Thank you May Light, for your reply and your chat last night. From all the advice from you and others, I cleared where the problem is and what I should try to do and what I should not do.
My son is opposite as your boy, my son is a very layback, no determination, not driven at all. To him, anything is fine, if he will not have a place to stay tomorrow, he still be fine. So I am very hard to get him motivated. If he was doing ok at high school, that because I did press him then he did minimum. But I know he is not solid, I was so scared when he is without mom press him, and he would fail. Well, that is exactly what happening.
From leaning how to detach, not being enabler, I guess I know what I can do after he Fail College and move back to home. It will not be pretty but I have to face it. I have a 6 years old daughter too hopefully I am learning how to be a better parent.
There were too much pain, too many mistake happened in the past, resulting today my son's behave. I could not change past but wish I can do better for the future.
Thank you!
Hi Seekinglife!
I'm so glad you were able to make it to last nights meeting. I hope it was helpful. I agree with all the comments above. Some of them reflect our situation closely, others not so much.
I thought I would share my story, which is a little different, but so much alike in many ways:
Even before I had kids, I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. I even told my husband this before we got married, lol...it was that important. Thankfully, he had a good job and was fine with it, even preferred it. Raising kids was going to be my sole focus in life and I thought I was super prepared because I had taught elementary school for 10 years and had a Master's level degree in language development. When my son began to talk very early, I was thrilled and probably took some credit for it. Early on though, I noticed he would get very frustrated with other things and tend to give up quickly, as compared to other kids his age. I just thought it was his personality. Just thought he was like his Dad, a bit impatient, but very bright. He started out a pretty happy kid making others laugh with his jokes and fun inventions, amazing us with his advanced verbal (and later writing) skills. As the school years progressed he became increasingly stressed and affected by his surroundings. Life became very difficult and his father did tend to have high expectations (like most fathers) and would tend to be impatient with him. We thought he was being defiant much of the time, but later found out he wasn't. He did well in school as long as he didn't have to complete a project or put much effort into homework. Homework was extremely frustating for him. Unless I sat by his side he could rarely complete it by himself. I didn't understand what was wrong and would get frustrated myself, that he would spend hours and hours on assigments and not get them done. I ended up homeschooling him through middle school after we found out he was being bullied and had gone into a deep depression. The school was extremely unsupportive and as a teacher, I was shocked that they treated my son so badly, suggesting there was nothing they could do and he'd just have to "grin and bear it." Three years of homeschooling went very well (another chapter for another day, or website, lol). Anyway...
We put him back in public school when high school years came around. I knew the bullying would be WAY less of a problem. He was able to find nice friends in the physics club where he built and programmed robots for competition against other schools. He was very good at it and nominated president of the club. I was so happy he had found his "niche." All his friends were top of the class, but he still couldn't achieve their status, with his challenges, of which he was unaware and didn't conceive. Now he had to be online to do homework. Over time his grades dropped and we noticed he was secretly playing games when he should have been doing HW. We repeatedly took away computer privilages and gave them back in hopes of motivating him to raise the grades. But it didn't work. Instead it created a LOT of conflict and exhaustion. Finally, we allowed him to "test out" of HS the middle of Junior year hoping that would help. He started community college the next sememster. He had taken classes there while homeschooled so it was a familiar environment. I thought it would be better for him, less stress since he had more time between classes, could choose his teachers/classes (more or less), etc. Well he did well one semester and summer school (one class). The second semester in he ended up dropping all his classes because he had fallen so far behind. I don't think he wanted us to see his low grades, so this was his best alternative, in his mind. At that time, I was livid. I had had patience up until then. He knew how disappointed I was. We told him he would have to look for a job, if school wasn't going to work for now, and that he could only use the computer two hours a day. He went into depression and made little effort to get a job. A few weeks later, we found out he had started to engage in self-harm and talk of not seeing a point in living (suicidal ideation). We sought help and took away his computer. He had refused all help and was demanding to have his computer back. He became defiant and verbally abusive and a bit distructive, which I found very disturbing. This began a whole string of events that led to where he is today. Long story short, we began to PRAY A LOT! We asked all our friends to pray too. I did a LOT of research on theraputic programs that would be appropriate for his situation. He would be a minor for five more months at that time, so we had to act quickly. I felt God led us to one in particular so we sent him there for 3.5 months. He did not know prior to his leaving that he would be going there and I had not visited there or met the staff. It was too far away...I had to trust. I admit it was a bit scary for us all. He was very mad at first, but later settled into the program. He had no access to computers and his entire day was scheduled with ranch work and therapy (a little school work, but not much since he had already "graduated" high school). The other boys did more school work since they were working toward a diploma. I pushed the staff to require him to read Dr. Doan's book. I asked them to assign him a writing project so as to be assured he had read it, but they thought that would interfer w/ his therapy plan. I ended up leaving that alone since my son was fortunate to have the opportunity to develop nice relationships with some of the staff members he could connect with. I didn't want to rock the boat. They liked him because he was really a good compliant kid (like most of our kids are). He hadn't engaged in drinking, drugs, or inappropriate relationships (as had many of the other boys there). While I love all kids, I was fearful of my son being exposed to these kids, but learned that my son's addiction was just as serious as a drug addiction in many ways and all the kids had underlying issues, just as did mine. We found out what a huge componenet of what his underlying issues were--we discovered he had a developmental disorder. We had him completely tested before he came home. This helped explain why he had so much trouble with homework and other things. I was a bit shocked and relieved at the same time, but felt very badly for not knowing this earlier on in his school years. Unfortunately, he's still having a hard time accepting the diagnosis as he did at the ranch. While at the ranch he did express in letters that he had read Dr. Doans book, so I think he had a pretty good understanding of online addiction. He didn't take it seriously though and didn't think he was addicted. Before he left there we had to design a contract. The contract included NO GAMING. The main part of the contract indicated that he would only have access to a laptop for surfing the internet for general interest, facebook, etc. (not in his room) with monitoring software so we would know every website he visited. He would have two hours a day to start. The contract had a lot of other stuff in it too-no phone w/ internet, going to school, job, therapy, exercise, socialization, etc. He signed the contract, saying he was doing it for me and for the good of our relationship, but we later found it was unrealistic to expect him to meet all the requirements, at least at the beginning. When he came home, he decided not to use the laptop at all because he didn't want to be monitored. After a little while, it seemed he was getting a strong urge to game again and was not making efforts to get a job or seek activities outside the home. He couldn't go to school because it was mid semester. I thought after his time at the ranch that he would be motivated to start working toward some of the goals he had established there with the therapist, at least want to work with horses or keep up the exercise. He had gained (healthy) weight and muscle mass at the ranch and looked great. Well, his dissatisfaction grew and he began to bring up the idea of gaming and expressing his displeasure to me about not being able to game, that I was being unrealistic, that he wasn't addicted and even went so far as to say, "Gaming is all I really want to do and when I'm on my own, I will work only so that I will have money to game. Nothing else in life matters." He was becomming increasinly angry. We explained to him he was welcome to leave when he was 18. We didn't support his gaming, but that was his choice to make legally. He ended up leaving on his birthday to live with a friend. He took his gaming computer, which we took out of storage for him, and figured he would be in "gaming heaven at his friends home." I was heartbroken especially spending all that money on his recovery. After he moved out (not to far away) we kept in touch texting. He was working at a fast food place part time. He ended up quitting the job and wanting to come back home after a week. When he returned we allowed him to go through a depressive phase. He stayed in his room a lot, watched TV, spent some time with friends playing table top games. By the grace of God, he ended up registering for a few classes and was offered a job at a computer networking co. After much pain and suffering, we were SO thrilled!
Well, it's been a year since the day we sent him to the ranch. He is still working and going to school. He finished his semester of three courses with great grades and is now beginning the next semester with four classes. His work hours are to be increasing and he's spending more time with friends. He is much happier (but still an unpredictible teen much of the time). We have our ups and downs but he is certainly growing and maturing! As for gaming, strangely enough, we don't talk about it. He know, without a doubt, that there will NEVER be gaming in our home of any type and if he wants to game he will have to move out. He does spend time in his room behind closed doors, so technically he could be gaming without us knowing it, however, he doesn't run to his room when he gets home and he does spend time watching TV on his own or with us, which he rarely did before. He will eat out with us and go to some activities- movies, hike, vacations, etc. I think if he were gaming he would be spending every moment in his room and he would be spending a lot more time outside of the home. Nonetheless, I remain vigilant and look for signs. So far, he's on time to work and succeeding in school, indications to me that he's in control, but I know that could change overnight, but hopeful it doesn't. I know too that eventually when he does move out and is able to support himself that he could go back to gaming. I've decided to let "let go" of what I can't control and trust that the good Lord will take care of what I can not.
So that's my story. Like Maylight said, I share my story just in case there is something that you may find applicable, helpful or encouraging. I know other parents will read this too and I hope it brings them hope and ideas. None of us ever thought our sons (some daughters) would end up in this situation. We thought we were doing good when we were able to keep them from drugs and alcohol through high school. We thought it was good to introduce them to computers early on. We weren't aware of this addiction and even less aware that our child could become one of the 11% that becomes addicted.
After much soul searching and help from friends, I realized how prideful I had become as a mom, thinking that I could control the outcome of my kids (I have a 15yo daughter too) and that my kids would "come out" OK, because I thought I had done most everything right, working night and day to provide everything they needed to succeed in life and be good people. I have been humbled and I have realized that I can take credit for nothing. All that I have and all I've been given are gifts from God. Some parents do everything "right" and their kid ends up in serious trouble. Other parents do nothing and their kid ends up in an Ivy League school, top of the class with an incredible career and seemingly perfect everything. I've learned if we seek his will that God has a plan for each one of us. We are not to look to other individuals or families with envy but to seek God's plan for our lives and our childrens lives. I KNOW that is not easy, but I've chosen now to focus my energy on myself, since my son is in a relatively stable place now. My main concern now is my daughter's emotional health (and mine) after having been through all this too. I'm slowly beginning to heal and seek how I can better serve the Lord with the knowlegde and experience I have gained over the last several years.
I hope I have been a blessing and a help to you and desire all the best for you and your family! I hope you choose to continue to be a part of our community and to reap the benefits of all that is offered here. God Bless.
(And May Light thought her entry was long! LOL! :) )
I have to come here to tell you, I am listening this song and crying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkMfBgWi60M
you may familier with pokemon, which our kids used to love those game cards...
the music bring back the memory of when Kevin still a little boy....
Thank you mommy3, for sharing your son's journey with us. First, I LOVE long entry, to me as a desperate mom, every word is comforting, encouraging, and loving. I appreciate your time and your heart! Second, I am so glad your son is doing so well now, he is not only able to control himself, but also, able to live a healthy, fruitful life. He also is a great kid! Its truly a blessing! I am so happy for you and your family!
I truly love your story, I see you are a great mom, who has patience, courage, and the guts to do what you think is best for your son. From your story, I learned what I should prepare for my son to back to home, mentally specially. Also, when I came here few days ago I was frustrate with my son's game playing, then I was fear that there is no control over it, now I know I will not have control over it but I can do what I able to do. Now I am not too much fear, I found my goal of action. But I sure will come here all the times to looking for more advice and inspiration.
It was great thet you were able to attend our chat meeting on Thursday night. Every bit of information helps to understand the problem and formulate your course of action.
Please don't blame yourself for what happened. As Learning Serenity pointed out earlier on, you did't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Every familiy has their ups and downs and we mothers try to do our best under the circumstances. Sometimes even our best is not enough to change the flow of life. I am also aware that we tend to blame ourselves when things don't go according to our wishes. But I learned throughout the last 3-4 years that blaming myself didn't help anyone. we have to trust God and learn to let go. You are a very good mother trying desperately to help your son by searching the ways. That is all we can do. At the end of the day, they have to live their lives, we can't do it for them. Right now we only see a portion of the whole picture. Who knows maybe in a few years down the track, we will realize the pain and sufferings of today were in fact the seeds of tomorrow's beautiful flowers.
Hang in there. We understand your suffering so well. Big Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Seeking,
While I was going through these troubled times, I too would think back at those more carefree days of boyhood (and motherhood). All the smiles, giggles and joyful moments, the hopes and dreams that we fear may not be realized (but it's just a fear, not necesarily reality). I even went through some of the childhood photos for a new collage to hang on the wall. I think it was theraputic for me...a way of working through the grief of accepting my son's situation and moving toward letting go. I think this is a natural progression and this phase will pass in time and you will move forward...
Hey Seeking,
In terms of getting a medical deferment that would enable him to keep his scholarship, you may want to try having him meet with a psychiatrist/psychologist. Being as Video Game Addiction is classified in the DSM (the diagnostic criteria guide mental health professionals use), you may be able to pull him out for rehab/recovery without it impacting his scholarship. You would need to look more into this but mental health professionals realize the serious and crippling impact of gaming addiction and this might be a workable solution for you and a way for your son to keep his scholarship.
Seeking,
I am sorry that you, too, are suffering from the nightmare of gaming addiction. I am glad that you found Olganon and that you were able to attend the parent meeting. There has been much wisdom and compassion shared in the words written above. I am not sure that I can add anything to them but I will reiterate the 3 C's. You did NOT cause it, you can NOT control it and you can NOT cure it. Let it become your mantra for awhile, as I did. It helped me to stay focused on following through on a tough love plan without being so afraid of my son's retaliations and it helped me to stop enabling him. Our lives were completely out of control from this insidious addiction and it gave me the strength to clear my head and act to help myself and set the proper limits.
You didn't cause your son's addiction. None of us is perfect but you wouldn't be here if you were not a caring mom who wants to help your son. Please be gentle with yourself; you deserve that. You are not at fault. There will always be emotional reasons or life circumstances that we can attribute to "why" an addict succumbs. But it is a complex web of brain chemistry, genes, personality, circumstances, many emotions and more. You did NOT cause it.
And despite the many reasons we can come up with as to maybe why it happened the only thing we can do is take care of ourselves and cease enabling in any form. I was not even aware of the things that I was doing that were enabling my son to manipulate me into doing what he wanted and ultimately gaming his brains out. (As I mentioned, I learned so much here.) Tough love is hard to do but ultimately might be the only way your son wakes up and feels the consequences. It does not mean that you are being cold or unloving; quite the contrary. Waiting for him to come to the conclusion that gaming is bad for his life while having freedom and money at school or having laundry done, meals cooked at home will not get him to that realization anytime soon.
My situation is not much different than yours in some ways so please know that you are not alone; I can truly relate. Life has not been gentle with us and my son has many reasons "why." No one around me understood the spiral of this addiction. My son lasted a month away at college, used the money I put in his school account for gaming, was granted a medical leave for a semester, and then the worst part of my nightmare took hold. He came home fully in the thoes of this addiction after having freedom for 4 weeks. He gamed 12 hours a day or more. He wasted thousands of dollars in money I had in an account for education because he felt entitled to it. He morphed into someone with no semblence to his real or former self. And I was afraid of him. I was desperate and despondent and thank goodness I found Olganon.
I learned here that he could not go back to school and he needed to follow MY rules or leave MY home. I have a right to declare my home a game free zone much as I would declare it a drug free zone. I made arrangements for him to leave and posted them up for him to see. I made it brief and clear so he could not twist reality as he became amazingly adept at doing. Absolutely no gaming under my roof. I shut off the internet. I do not give him a penny. I took his gaming computer. Full time job or full time community college with good grades. He is to use the computers in the library for school work. I thought he'd explode and rage but he did not. He seemed relieved in a way. Thankfully someone got him to understand that gaming and education are not compatible for him. He has not gamed in 5 months and is following the rules. He earned a 4.0 without a computer, so my old concern over him not succeeding if I took it away was unfounded. If he wants to succeed, he will find a way. And if he wants to game he will find a way but he will no longer live here. I had to accept that sending him to a shelter did not mean I was a bad mom. Letting him stay and doing his laundry and cooking while he gamed and manipulate me was being a bad mom. It has not been easy and his "addict brain" rears its ugly heads every so often but I just step aside and it slinks away and I see more and more glimpses of my real son.
So,...keep repeating the 3 C's and believe it. Take a deep breathe. Remind yourself that you are strong and you are a good mother. Give him what he needs not what he wants...and that means professional help for his depression and stop enabling. He does not need gaming to live a happy, healthy life. And for our kids, it only keeps them sick.
Good luck. We are here to support you. Join us again tonight for another parent meeting if you can. Glad you are here.
"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation." taken from Papyrus, Corp.
So glad to hear the progress with your situation, hummingbird.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Thanks GaL. It is still a huge struggle but things are so much better than a year ago. I am very proud of my son. And very thankful for all the support and compassion that I found here in this community. I learned so much from attending the nightly meetings and I can't thank you enough- I learned so much from you!
"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation." taken from Papyrus, Corp.
Dear everyone,
thank you so much for your input, I sometimes come here read your post and find strength for myself. The past week I was working on mental prepare for tough love. First I learned what is 'detaching with love', and was working on myself. Not easy my friend! it had been years that my son and I are the only one for each other, without our family friends around us, we really were just ourself. I know this is not so healthy so I am working on it. Telling myself that what is my son really needed from me as his mother.
last week I told him that he is now allowed buy any game online and stop play game. He said OK. after one week, he was using debit card to purchase and loading money to American EX reload card, which mean, to avoid let us knowing he is buying game, he use American EXpress card. I asking him what he use American EX card for he said he use it buying cable form Amazon because debit card wasn't set up with amazon. I know that is lie. My son would never confront with me but find a way to get what he wants and lie to me. I was hurt knowing he lie to me and he is trying to do game without to know.
so this morning, I sent him a message regarding use other cards:
"You always can ask me buy it for you on amazon. And you usually don't buy much stuff on amazon. I hope you are NOT using other card to buy game. I know it is uncomfortable now you are not allowed buy game but the whole point is to have you quit game so you can take care of your study first. Things are now easy back at home as we are now. You will need to be independent as soon as you finish your school. And if anything happen to your existing scholarship/financial aid due to poor grades, you will have to find other schools that you can support yourself go to. Yes, that means we are not paying any more of your schooling if you failed this one. So I really hope you starting get yourself ready for hardworking study to give yourself a chance. At same time, looking your summer job/intern. I love you very very much so I wish you do well!"
Of course he didn't respond to my message. I hope I give him clear enough impression that he would have to on his own if he failed school.
I am not a good communicator, and English is my second language isn't help me communicating to my son neither. but I am trying.
I also working on take care of myself physically & mentally, my other child and my husband and my parents need me.
Thank you so much for all your love, encouragement, and help!!! I need them! I am coming back often to read other post hopefully one day, I will able to help other as well.
Love!
son just replied me: i understand mom, i love you
I am temporary relieved a little but won last long.
I found my everyday emotion roller-coaster is all depend on what my son says to me or what he did...
Good to hear from you seekinglife! I am glad you are taking some actions towards making him realize that it is not okay by you that he spends your money on gaming. He also seems to be aware that you no longer will be supporting him if he fails again,which is fair. He probably started to realize that his irresponsible behaviour will no longer be tolerated at least in financial terms. Good on you for staying firm.
You have other people in your family to take care as well so I am glad you are looking after your own needs. I can relate so much to the "emotional rollercoaster" you are talking about! His actions, lack of actions, decisions, lack of decisions, happiness, sadness etc have direct effect on me too. So, until our children are back on track and have a reasonable happy life, I am afraid our emotions will continue to go up and down! Unless of course we manage to detach ourselves from their dysfunctional lives.
Hang in there, you are not alone. We understand. Keep coming back. We need each other's support during these difficult times. Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Hi, everyone! hope you all had a good weekend.
I went to see my son over the weekend. He invited me to his class exihibiton in a local gellary. He looled tired (could be play too much game in the late hours). I had mixed feelings, on one hand, he enjoyed my visit and I feel so content when I being with him. He bought me the earring that I hinted him before Christmas...on the other hand, he still think he can do game and study at some time just need to put more effort to the class. I ask him did he see the link (this site)? he said not yet(mean no, will not). ask him does he think he is addicted to game, he said just a little (meas a lot0. ask him will he read two books I sent to her? he said maybe (means no). also I think he is looking for other revenue to buy his game. I dont' think he will change.
well, after I read this post: http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/43486
I think my son has the same thing, he can't be alone. he needs someone interact with him.
when he doesn't have someone with him, he told me he was very lonely then feel sad. I guess me, as his mother, step father, father, step sister all the family member couldn't satisfied his social needs. He does love hangout with his friends though.
anyway, just worrying.