new to this site

Hi Kirby,

Welcome to Olga! There are many thought provoking posts on this sight from the families of addicted gamers, and I hope you find some good thoughts and helpful suggestions for you and for your son. Encourage him, won't you, to read what other addicts have said on this site. And attending meetings. When he's ready (and when he decides) he can find the kind of support needed to kick his habit. Sometimes I wish there was a way for the loved ones of addicts to "fix" the addiction...but there is not anyone other than the addict who can stop an addict from gaming.

I'm glad you've found Olga, and I hope you find what you need here.

ElizA

Welcome Kirby! Read the post that deals with adult children at the top of this forum. Since he is an adult, there is not a lot you can do except to direct him to this site, encourage him to read, and avoid enabling him. It's good that he is starting to realize that the games are in control. That's the first step.

Note that both you and he can request access to the private forums for both gamers and family members on the site so that you can post things that the other cannot see.

Hi ~ Just joined tonight. I'm so pathetic, I really don't even know how to use a blog! Please bear with me while I learn. I picked this blog because it was entitled "new to this site" (which I obviously am) with fairly recent posts. As my profile says, I'm the mom of a 25-year-old who I KNOW is a gaming addict. I believe his addiction actually started when he was in elementary school, playing Nintendo. My husband bought our kids every new video game system that came out. Even at a very young age Dan would choose to play video games rather than go out and play with his friends. He started playing online games in junior high. This was his real downfall. He barely made it out of 7th grade (this is a young man with an IQ of 138). By 8th grade he was barely going to school, was severely depressed, and ended up in an adolescent psychiatric facility because of threats of suicide. He never went back to traditional school; he spent the rest of his school years in an "alternative" school, which worked with children with "emotional" problems of all types. Because they catered to each students' individual needs, he did well in the alternative school, but still continued to play online games pretty much every waking hour. He started community college after high school, again doing fairly well even though he was still playing online games excessively. He switched majors in community college, so ended up going for four years. He finally earned an associate's degree in music, and enrolled in a university (about an hour away from home) to complete his music degree. That summer, after seeing how many hours he had put into WOW over the years, he actually seemed shocked and embarrased and decided it was time to quit. He was so excited about going off to college. He bought new, more stylish clothes, and started taking care of himself (exercising, grooming). His first semester he did incredibly well! He was actually happy! He was on the Dean's list, he was getting all kinds of praise from his professors (and even jumped some class levels), he was starting to make friends, etc. Then, over Christmas vacation, he crashed and burned. Why? Because, as I found out later, the new expansion pack (?) for WOW had come out and he couldn't resist buying it. Within a few weeks he became a slave to that world again. He immediately fell behind in school, and my husband arranged for a medical leave of absence for second semester. While he was out on his "medical leave" he did nothing but play WOW (I knew this from his roommate). He went back this September, and is barely hanging on. He is home on Christmas break right now, and has done nothing but play WOW. He hasn't yet registered for his 2nd semester classes. He has been on and off of antidepressants since junior high, and has been to psychiatrists and therapists. Trying to get him to get help is like pulling teeth. He's extremely resistant. With much prodding, he did seek out therapy and medication through the university's counseling center last year, but hasn't gone back to the therapist yet this year. A huge part of the problem is this...I have no support from my husband whatsoever. I never have. Way back when Dan was spending hours and hours on the video games in elementary school, I'd put limits on the game time, and my husband would undermine me and allow him to play as long as he wanted. I'd encourage him to go out and play with his friends, and my husband would say things like "Leave him alone. He's not a social butterfly like his brother. He's a homebody. Let him do what he wants to do." This attitude continues to this day. When I started reading about online gaming addiction years ago and talked to my husband about it, he just scoffed at me. He still does. When I finally sat down and talked to my son about it last year, he got furious and didn't speak to me for months (can you say "addict"?) Dan is the poster child for gaming addiction. He has very few friends, and the friends he does have are all gamers, too. He doesn't know how to socialize or make new friends. He has NEVER had a job. At school, he's playing constantly; thus, missing classes and falling behind with his work. When he's home on weekends and holidays, he holes up in the basement and plays nonstop. He eats down there, sleeps down there, doesn't shower for days on end, doesn't shave or keep his hair cut, etc. etc. And no, my husband doesn't see a problem. (Nor did he believe how severely depressed Dan was in junior high, despite being told by the school psychologist, teachers, a marriage counselor we were seeing, my sister, a psych nurse, or my brother-in-law, a psychiatrist!) I feel helpless to do anything, as every time I speak up or take any kind of action, my husband steamrolls right over me. Dan lies every time I confront him about his excessive gaming. His father is allowing him to ruin his life (can you say "enabler"?). I'm seriously ready to leave him over this, but that has its complications, too. I, myself, am very anxious and depressed about this. I lay in bed and cry at night, praying and worrying. I apologize for the long post..I'm at my wits end.

I can really relate to your son. I played board games in high school, that wasn't too bad because high school was easy, and I didn't obsess too much about the board games. Then in college I got hooked on D&D (all this was back in the 70s before we had computer games). D&D still required that I get together with other people, but I started obsessing about it a lot, and it seriously affected my grades. I ended up dropping out of school and moving to Boston to be near my D&D friends. Luckily, I got involved with a good career (computers) and started dancing, my interest in D&D fell away.

All during my career, various computer games interfered with my work. I would play for a while, get miserable about it, quit, pick it up again, repeat this cycle. WoW really kicked my butt. I "working for myself" at the time but I spent a lot more time playing WoW than I spent working. I developed some mild agoraphobia, and in general I coped with life very badly. When I was faced with something difficult to do in my real life, I would escape into WoW. After the escape, whatever was going on in my real life would still be there, only it would be worse because I hadn't done anything about it. Because the problem was worse it made me want to escape all the more. This cycle got really bad, by the end just running an errand, or calling someone would trigger me into playing WoW or obsessing about it. My toons were getting rich and powerful, while my real life was going down the tubes.

The thing is, this is a real addiction. Like any other addiction, no one can make the addict want to quit, that has to come from inside. My awakening about WoW came when I went on vacation and left the game behind, I had a nice time and didn't miss it. My wife confronted me when I went back to playing when we got back, I had a moment of clarity and quit. The only thing you can do as an Anon, is focus on your own life. That way when the addict is ready to quit you are healthy and ready to point him in the right direction. The good thing is that even if he doesn't quit, your life will still get better. There's a saying in Al-Anon "we can find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not". You might look up Al-Anon meetings in your area, it is the biggest Anon program by far. Face to face meetings really help. Also stay plugged in here with the people who identify most strongly with what you're going through. Addiction sucks, for the addict and the whole family. But recovery is WAAAY cool. Keep coming back, it works.

Kirby wrote:

He began around 15 years old with WOW and had progressed to LOL.

WoW completely wrecked my life. I didn't realize that one could "progress" beyond that. It scares me to think about it.

Of course, as a gaming addict any game can be addictive to me (even FreeCell).

"After the escape, whatever was going on in my real life would still be there, only it would be worse because I hadn't done anything about it. Because the problem was worse it made me want to escape all the more." Thank you for responding! I believe this is what is going on with my son, and the shame and guilt he feels because of his gaming addiction is at the core of his depression and anxiety. For such a long time I believed he immersed himself into the world of gaming BECAUSE of his depression/anxiety, as a means to avoid difficulties in real life. I now believe that his addiction may be the CAUSE his depression/anxiety. As a former gamer, do you have any insight on that? Also, any suggestions for how I can broach the subject with him again without losing him like I did a year ago?

Yes, it's difficult to know which came first, the depression/anxiety or the addictive gaming, and I think it's different for different people. I do know that, whichever comes first, the two issues become a vicious cycle that just spirals downward. Our son was just a little bit shy before he got addicted to games, but the longer he played, the more anxious and phobic he became. He actually began developing new symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which faded away without medication or therapy when we got him out of the game. I have since learned that this is likely all related to excessive levels of dopamine in the brain.

As the mother of a now-25-year-old former WoW addict, I have one recommendation: If you are contributing financially in any way to your son's education, stop NOW. It's actually probably a good thing that he hasn't registered for the next semester (That was actually our first clue that GamerSon was in trouble at college, though at the time we had no idea what kind of trouble he was in). He is in no condition to continue his education right now. To avoid futher damage to his GPA, he needs to withdraw in good standing and deal with his issues.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband. Can you get him to come here and read some of the posts from gamers and family members? He may be dealing with extreme guilt over his contribution to the situation, leading to denial (if there's no problem, he couldn't possibly have caused it). He needs to understand that this is not his fault. Back in the 90's when we were buying our kids games and letting them play, we had no idea they could be addictive.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, gamersmom. It's so nice to be in a place where others know exactly what I'm going through and don't think I'm crazy or simply overreacting to something harmless. I have thought about showing my husband this site and letting him read the posts from gamers and their families. I still think he'll roll his eyes and walk away, as he has when I've tried to show him articles about gaming addiction. Maybe, though, if he knows that I'm so torn up about this that I've felt the need to join a support group, he'll start to listen to my concerns. I'm still also looking for suggestions as to how to bring this up with my son again. Whenever there is even the slightest hint of exasperation in my voice (i.e., "why don't you eat up here with us tonight?" or "you need to work on getting your days and nights straight before you go back to school") he bristles.

There is medical, clinical and scientific evidence that video game addiction is real. This statement is from a medical doctor and "gaming addict".

No amount of nagging, dropping hints, or exasperation will ever accomplish anything with your son. I would be more inclined to say something like this (and this would of course be much more effective coming from BOTH of you in a serious family meeting): "Dan, all of the behaviors we are seeing (playing for hours on end, neglect of personal hygiene, skipping classes, falling grades, lying to us about your gaming) indicate that you have a serious problem with gaming. You may not think it is serious, but that is neither here nor there. You are 25 years old, and at this age you should be succeeding in school or living on your own and supporting yourself. We love you more than life itself, but we believe that your gaming has become too serious for us to continue to pay for your education. If you wish to continue gaming, that is certainly up to you, but we think it's time that you get out on your own and take some responsibility for your own life. The fact is that seeing you throw your life and future away like this has just become too stressful for us. You are welcome to continue gaming, but not in our home. This is just too painful for us to watch anymore. If you ever decide you want to do something about your gaming, we will be happy to help you get therapy or whatever you think you need to overcome this problem. If you wish to continue your education, you are now old enough to apply for financial aid based on your own income, so you should be able to get loans to help you pay for school if you are really serious about attending. If you graduate with at least a B-average, we will be happy to pay the loans off for you, but if you continue to skip classes and fail them, paying off the school oans will be up to you. You're a grown-up now, so your future is up to you. We love you and want to help, but we know we can't make you take our help if you don't want it."

Anyway, the fact is that he is 25 years old and an adult. You are not obligated to pay for an education that he is flushing down the drain. You are not obligated to allow him to live in your home and game non-stop. That is the only leverage you have here. Yes, he will get angry at you, and yes, he may not speak to you for a long time. In order to help your son, you will have to make him angry. If you are concerned about violence, you may need to enlist back-up from some strong male friends or relatives.

This is a really tough addiction and will require you to be stronger than you've ever been to help him. If he was a heroin addict, would you stand by and watch him shoot up in your own house?

Hugs to you.

Thank you again, Gamersmom, for taking the time to respond. I'm going to try talking to my husband one more time. If I still don't get his support, I will talk to Dan on my own. Unfortunately, I have no control over my husband's financial support of our son, but I can let Dan know what I believe to be his truth, and offer my unconditional love and support when he's ready to make a change. Ironically, I grew up with a drug addicted brother and had to watch my parents go the "tough love" route with him. I know the hell we all went through during that time, but it's very different going through it now as a parent. Ugh. Thanks for the hugs : ) I need lots of them right now!

Well, if your husband continues to provide financial support, your son will sit in the house and game forever, as he will have no reason to quit. Try at least to discourage him from returning to school in his current state, as he will probably flunk out and do permanent damage to his academic record.

This is such a tough problem. I hope your husband can be made to see the light.

This is sad. Your husband, if he really does not know anything about excessive gaming, ought to at least read up about it. Being informed is the only way to survive on this planet. What do they say about "having contempt prior to investigation."?

For your husband to turn his back on the problem, is so unfair to your son.

There are some really interesting and helpful books that describe the addiction to gaming. It might not be recognized by the AMA, yet, but it will be.

If you can afford it, try to buy some of those books and leave around the living room in conspicuous spots. Don't force it on them to read, or nag at them. In fact that won't work. Just read as much as you can so you can be armed with the facts.

This is a true addiction--not because the scientists say so--but because when I quit gaming the withdrawals were PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY miserable. I felt like I was on crack-cocaine and I hated it.

Good luck with this one. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thank you so much, Patria!

Aarrgghhhh! I tried talking to my husband again tonight and got nowhere. I wasn't confrontational or nasty or accusatory in any way. In a nutshell, I told him how extremely concerned I am about Dan's excessive gaming, and that I believe now, after researching and reading everything I can get my hands on about gaming addiction, that Dan does have an addiction that needs to be addressed. I told him about OLGA and asked him to just check it out...to read what recovering addicts are saying, what parents, family members, and friends are saying, and also to read some of the online articles about gaming addiction. I begged him to at least open his mind to the possibility, and to educate himself about it before deciding that I'm totally off base and have no idea what I'm talking about. As is always the case, he got angry and defensive, and acted as though it was some kind of personal assault on him. He refuses to read anything on the subject, and has no interest whatsoever in even taking a look at any of the posts on the OLGA site. I told him that I was going to talk to Dan whether I had his support or not, and he told me he'd never forgive me if I said anything to Dan that would make him pull away from the family and/or help of any kind. Soooo...I'm on my own. I'm going away for the weekend so won't be able to talk to Dan til next week (I don't want to confront him with my concerns and offer my unconditional love and support, then go away for two days). I'll be doing a lot of thinking and praying til then. I'll also be checking in for any advice that any of you may have. Ugh...I feel another sleepless night coming on....