Please help! 18 yr old son failing

Wow, this is a very difficult situation you find yourself in. We are here to help. I'm sure others here will be able to offer you better, more experienced advice than I, but I think you should stop enabling him (paying for the class). If it's too late for that, then let this be an expensive lesson I suppose. As for pushing you - I am honestly at a loss for words, as I can never imagine pushing a lady, let alone my mother. I'd have gotten my ass beat to next year if I had. Anyway, I think the counseling is a good idea, as they will probably have very good advice for you. Stay strong, we're here for you.

Hello, Bonbon. You're right...your story is so much like most of ours. Almost all of us have boys who are exceptionally bright and/or unique.

There are a number of moms who are going through a similar situation right now. Some have found ways to block the internet and I'm sure they'll post here soon with their ideas. Most of us have set a rule of little or no gaming. Our kids have inevitably broken the rules and then it's easier to enforce complete removal, permanently. If you make the decision to stop the gaming in your home, you have got to be 100% committed to enforcing that...indefinitely. To do otherwise seems to make it harder in the long run.

As a single mother, you have to be concerned about a potential violent outburst. For that reason, I'll let the other parents share their experiences in that regard, too.

Hi Bonbon,

You have come to the right place. As WOW said, we have a great group of parents (mostly moms, but sometimes Dads) who provide support and stategies. So true and so sad, your story is so like many others and many of ours. As you begin to spend more time here you will begin to see a trend and you will gain stregnth and hope to move forward with a plan.

I am already VERY hopeful for you because I can see that you are ready to stop the madness. Being pushed was probably the last straw. I know there was a line that was crossed in our house that changed everything. Because my son was just months short of 18yo, we were able to send him away for a few months for "detox". He returned to a game free home which has been that way (to the best of our ability) for a year now. I can tell you almost 100% from what you've shared that a game-free home is the only way to go in your case unless you want to prolong the misery for everyone in the home. How great that you're going to online school AND willing to make sacrifices to go to the library, however there may be a more convenient way for you (so you can stay at home with your son and at the same time monitor what he's doing). Take a look at the following websites:

iboss: http://www.iboss.com

Skydog: http://skydog.com

Covenant Eyes: http://www.covenanteyes.com

These are some devices/programs that have been used by members here to aid in managing/blocking game use, etc. Some have hired knowledgeable techies to "set things up". I'm sure after some research that you will be able to find a way that works for everyone in the family.

The physical agressiveness and language is all too familiar. I'm very sorry you have had to ride the same emotional roller coaster over and over like so many other moms here. There is an end and there is hope.

On a practical note, if when you do cut access you will want to be prepared for the potential withdrawl sypmtoms. If you've cut access before you probably have an idea. If you are worried about harm to self or others, you will need to proceed with caution and seek professional advice.

Please join us on Thursday night for our Online Parent Support Group, 6pm PST. If you need assistance navigating your way, just let us know in a post and we will assist.

Wishing you all the best.

As with other addictions, withdrawal symptoms often occur. Among the most common are:

ReliefA feeling of emptinessDepressionA disruption in sleep patternExcessive amounts of time spent sleeping"Brain fog:" Difficulty with focus, concentration and completing complex tasksFantasies and dreams about the gameRestless, unfulfilling, taunting dreamsThe urge to go back to gaming and try to control the time playedThinking about the game for extended periods of timeIrritability or restlessnessUncontrollable feelings or rampant mood swingsAnger and verbal abuse, sometimes extreme*Excessive cryingAnxietyFearSadnessLonelinessBoredom/inability to find an activity of interestLack of motivation/directionDifficulty facing obligations, procrastinationFeeling as though a return to gaming will make you feel betterPhysical illness aEU" colds, allergies

Nausea

* Warning: In rare, extreme cases, sudden removal of the game has resulted in violence and even death.

Hi Bonbon

In my opinion while he is in your house, it's your rules or give him the alternative that he moves out and fends for himself.

I also think that my son's smartphone is an enemy so even though he pays for it, use is now heavily restricted. It's my electricity that charges the phone; so he hasn't right to that. Even if he had a solar powered recharger I wouldn't care. I keep his smartphone safe at night and for most of the day. He is only allowed to use it where i can see him. He knows that he will have to go if he kicks up too much fuss; if it has to be a police escort to welfare than so be it.

He is allowed limited access to my laptop for internet. His super computer which has all his paid-for subscription games on is disabled and will stay that way until he leaves.

My aim is to allow him time to heal so that he can think what to do next in his life. I know this will not cure him. That's up to him. Frankly, I'm fed up with him hanging around but it's for the greater good.

I am finding that over time my rules are getting stricter. You are allowed to make mistakes regarding too much slack you may have given at the start and learn from them and adjust your rules.

Violence or threats should not be tolerated and maybe make it clear that you will not hestitate to get police involved next time and he will be out. He is an adult and is responsible for himself now. You are not responsible for him and you are only trying to help him because you want the best for him. But you owe him nothing. You may need to make this clear and repeat it many times over as my son does not seem to fully understand his personal responsibility.

As you get more informed and become more frustrated with his attitude or lying or over-gaming I think your tone will change with him and he may recognise that you are empowered and mean business, so he may become less reactive and easier to live with. It's all new at the moment.

I think as parents we need to stand back and let them decide which way they want to go in life. If they do want to go to college again then don't make it easy for them and set them up to fail and waste our money again.

Polga wrote:

Hi Bonbon

In my opinion while he is in your house, it's your rules or give him the alternative that he moves out and fends for himself.

I also think that my son's smartphone is an enemy so even though he pays for it, use is now heavily restricted. It's my electricity that charges the phone; so he hasn't right to that. Even if he had a solar powered recharger I wouldn't care. I keep his smartphone safe at night and for most of the day. He is only allowed to use it where i can see him. He knows that he will have to go if he kicks up too much fuss; if it has to be a police escort to welfare than so be it.

He is allowed limited access to my laptop for internet. His super computer which has all his paid-for subscription games on is disabled and will stay that way until he leaves.

My aim is to allow him time to heal so that he can think what to do next in his life. I know this will not cure him. That's up to him. Frankly, I'm fed up with him hanging around but it's for the greater good.

I am finding that over time my rules are getting stricter. You are allowed to make mistakes regarding too much slack you may have given at the start and learn from them and adjust your rules.

Violence or threats should not be tolerated and maybe make it clear that you will not hestitate to get police involved next time and he will be out. He is an adult and is responsible for himself now. You are not responsible for him and you are only trying to help him because you want the best for him. But you owe him nothing. You may need to make this clear and repeat it many times over as my son does not seem to fully understand his personal responsibility.

As you get more informed and become more frustrated with his attitude or lying or over-gaming I think your tone will change with him and he may recognise that you are empowered and mean business, so he may become less reactive and easier to live with. It's all new at the moment.

I think as parents we need to stand back and let them decide which way they want to go in life. If they do want to go to college again then don't make it easy for them and set them up to fail and waste our money again.

I agree with this. I am a gaming addict and also a parent of a gaming addict. I've "played both sides", so to speak.

It's your house... your rules.

My son was addicted to CoD on the PS3... grades dropped and sports were not interesting. He was also picked on at school, and he lacked self-esteem. My wife and I locked down computers, gave him a flip phone, and monitored Internet use with software.

Several years later, he is doing amazing! Here is his story:

http://olganon.org/?q=node/44069

I realize you have an adult son, but if he lives and eats with your financial support, he is still basically a "minor" and dependent on you.

He who has the gold... makes the rules.

Hey Bonbon, I am a recovered game addict and young adult, I was almsot the same age as your son when I finally admitted that I was addicted. It took some serious life difficulties for me to feel that I needed to get help and that I had an addiction. It takes work.

Your son will only change if he want's to, in that he has to confront his own lies and look at how unmanageable his life has become. That takes a difficult and tumultuous event that exposes our lies to us. Then we have to choose whether we will bury our heads back into the sand.

I wish you the best.

Welcome to OLGA Bonbon!

Your story is so familiar. You were given a very good advise by the others.

Since they are adults now, there isn't much we can do. But if they still live with us, we have a full control over what goes on in our house. Stop enabling him is a very good start. But I think it is equally important to try to help them understand that they may be addicted gaming and if this is the case, their brains are messed up and therefore their reasoning, decision making, impulse control mechanisms are not functioning properly. They need to stay away from the games for at least a few months for their brains to recover. If my son didn't accept that he was addicted to Leagues of Legends after reading Dr Doan's book, I am pretty sure our life would have been a lot harder. He sold his laptop and game account after realizing that he had no control over his gaming.I sent him a few emails regarding this site, and some links before we took any action.I also took some notes and read him a few sentences every day for a few days. I didn't think he would listen or read my emails but I did it anyway. Eventually he realized he was addicted. We cut the internet off for a while and then increased it to two hours a day. He shared my laptop after selling his own gaming laptop.

Depending on the child's personality and the families's situation ,the action plan to tackle this problem may vary. But the end results is for as long as we enable them, they'll keep playing. We can't cure their addiction but we can give them game free environment for as long as possible so that hoipefully they can start thinking straight again and make reasonable decisions for their own future.

I can totally relate to your despair, hearthache and the emotional roller coaster. I have been there.... They play games usually to escape from painful feelings. They are not bad or irresponsible individuals. On the contrary they are usually very sensitive people who can not cope with the unfairness of real life or can not cope with real life. So they escape from it. We moms have a really difficult job in balancing our love and understanding towards them with firm and strict control of not enabling them in our homes.

Good luck with your decision making. I found encouragement, support, understanding, wisdom and knowledge from OLGA. Without Olga, I would still be going around the circles and getting nowhere. I hope you stick around and benefit from the experiences and the knowledge of other moms and recovering gamers.

Hope to see you in one of our chat meetings on Thursday night EST 9pm. Take care!

Welcome. Hope to see you at the parents' meeting tomorrow. One recommendation: Do not under any circumstances pay for any more education out of your pocket until the gaming addiction issues are under control for a minimum of 4-6 months, and then only community college, NOT a school where he has to live in a dorm or an apartment, away from home.

Welcome. I am glad that you are here on this site and know that you are not alone. So many of our stories are eerily similiar. This is an amazingly difficult struggle and I agree with all that has been shared thus far. Please do join us for the parent meeting tonight at 9 pm EST. Just enter the chat and you will be invited in.

Be strong. We are here to support you.