I really admire the way you guys handle your kids' problem and the resilience you have! My son is a toddler, and I can't even imagine him as a surly teenager, although it's probably going to happen eventually.
My question is, how do I raise him NOT to be like his father, playing video games and escaping his life? My husband is setting a pretty bad example in some ways - severely overweight and neglecting both of us to play his game. I think my son's earliest memories of his dad will be with his face shoved into the computer.
Please let me know what you would have done differently to avoid this problem! Thanks for any input.
Wow, thanks for asking this question! (And I mean wow, not WoW!!!) I think the best thing you can do is, just be aware of the potential problem that gaming presents, keep an eye on it but don't obsess. Make sure your son gets involved in other activities that can provide long-term interest and fulfillment. You won't be able to dictate what these will be... it may be sports, or a musical instrument, or drama, or reading, or building things... your job as parent is to expose your kid to a wide variety of subjects, people and situations and then see what lights the fire. What I know I did, and what I think a lot of other parents did, was not notice how serious the problem was becoming, as my son's gaming became more and more obsessive. It isn't like your kid would wake up one day and decide, hey, I think I'm going to game 15 hours a day and wreck my life; it's much more gradual than that. The interest in gaming goes up, the interest in other things, like friends, school, Scouts goes down... but it's a process that usually seems to take time and also not to advance in regular progression. Sometimes, too, it's that one particular game that really seems to get the addiction up and running, whereas they could play something else but then leave it alone. I would just really try to be aware of how many problems these games can cause, and watch for general signs of obsessiveness or addictive tendencies in your child. I know that Willy, my gamer son, always tended to go in for what he liked in a big big way. If he had an apple, he'd have 10... if he plays keyboard, it's 5 hours a day. You'll probably know if your son has the tendency to go overboard on things he likes. In terms of your husband, role models can be a funny thing. It may well be that your son, if he does grow up with an addicted gamer, will resolve to not let that happen to his life. I've known several children of alcoholics who've had exactly this experience: the pain and struggle of growing up with an addicted parent makes them doubly resolved not to have it in their own lives. Of course, it can work the other way, too: especially if your husband tries to interest your son in games or actually encourages him to play. Perhaps this is something you two can agree on: that even if your husband can't put it down, maybe he will agree not to try to influence your son. It's worth a shot, anyhow. Good luck and thanks for asking this question. I'm really looking forward to hearing what the others have to say... Jane
Your question is something I'd never really thought about. I'd have to agree to watch tendencies to be compulsive about things. But in all honesty, I never noticed any such compulsive tendency with my son and still don't. There are a few similarities in many of the young gamers. Most are very bright, if not gifted in intelligence. That means they're difficult to challenge and easily bored. MMORPGs can be a real challenge and they're constantly changing and never end. A lot of kids have ADD/ADHD, depression, Aspergers, etc. Some have just been through a trauma of some sort, either physically or emotionally, that causes them to escape into the fantasy of the game. So expect your son to be involved in lots of things. I guess the best rule would be moderation in all things. In retrospect, I wish I'd cut back play time at the very beginning when he started putting family and friend time second. But like Jane said, he always played a new game way too much but eventually bored of it. I didn't know WoW had no end!
I think knowing the potential for problems up front is HUGE. I would have done a lot of things differently if I'd known my kid could actually get addicted to a game. My son really never had any obsessive tendencies or traumatic events that triggered his escape into a game, so I'm pretty sure it could happen to any kid. If I had small children at home now, MMORPG's would be forbidden in our house the same way drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes are forbidden for underage children. I would talk to my children about the risks of MMORPG's the same way I talked to them about drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. I know you can't keep kids from experimenting forever, and there is always a risk when you send them off to college, which is where my son's addiction really took hold, but I would have hauled him home in the middle of the first semester when we first discovered he was failing everything instead of giving him more chances. It would have saved me a few thousand dollars at least.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Thank you for the feedback. My husband fits the description of the typical addict - smart with ADD. Hopefully my son won't inherit the bad things from him. I don't see any warning signs yet, but then again, he's 2! :) Would it be too much to have a complete ban on video games? I don't want him to be "out of it" among his friends, but to me it's a huge, stupid waste of time! Thank you for helping!
That's a tough question, littlefiery, but by the time your son gets old enough for you to have to make that decision, I am hoping that recognition of gaming as an addiction will be widely accepted, and you will have literature to back you up when you discuss the dangers with him and talk about maintaining balance in his life. It will probably be almost impossible to avoid console games in his life, but you can watch for tendencies to play longer than allowed. My children did not play console games in our house until they were old enough to save their money and buy their own system. That kept it out of the house for awhile anyway.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
This makes the most sense to me. I do think that the MMORPG's are the worst because they suck you in with no end it sight. My husband and I did not see eye-to-eye on this when our son was in his early teenage years and he did not see it as the problem that I did. If I had any idea that the game playing would affect so many aspects of his life negatively, I would have been much stricter, much earlier, regardless of my husband's feelings. It really isn't until recently when I have told him stories I have read from this board that he has totally agrees with me. Hearing what has happened to others has made the biggest difference with us. My sisters have younger sons and they have sharply limited their game playing and have discussed their older (and favorite) cousin's problems that have come about because of his addiction. We are all hoping that my son's 'bad example' will impact the other children. Teach your child about the risks of all kinds of behavior and watch the gaming as closely as you watch his choice of friends, his schooling, and other activities.
Janet
This is a really good question. I would say no MMORPGs at all. I do think my daughter has obsessive tendencies--sort of like what Jane describes for Willy. On the other hand, once she decided to do something she'd do it....like decing to throw out her pacifier when she was little and not doing it before her birthday. On the day she had decided on, she pulled the thing from her mouth and put it in the trash. When she decided to have a haircut for the first time, she would not do it until the day she had decided on (also her birthday) which happened to fall on a Sunday that year. Fortunately one of the mall salons was open! My older daughter says that one of thebest things we did for her was taking away the nintendo the first year she had it after she began playing it too much. One annoyin thing about that was the sound it made. We also have learned by now that too much television viewing is not a good thing. There are many ways in which people can 'escape' and these games are one of the latest ways. I would watch for obsessive tendencies and I would limit the other games as well. Also begin getting your kid involved in other activities. Now for example get him into swimming lessons, when he's older perhaps soccer or basketball. The physical activities need to be nurtured so he can have an active lifestyle and avoid the weight problems that you describe (at least to the degree our genes allow). Don't forget activities that could involve his creative side. We had our children in art classes for example. Even now you can get him to explore fingerpainting and he's not too young to be read to. I have to say that was one thing I enjoyed with my kids. On a positive note for me, we are on a ski/snowboarding trip (I Cn't sleep so decided to check in) and daughter's mood is way better than it was this time last year when she was so embroiled in the game. She hurt herself yesterday so I'm hoping that she is okay enough to get back on the slopes today. I m a real newbie at skiing (taking up this sport at my age and hoping not to break any bones). jsm, it's progress that your husband acknowledges the problem with the games. I still don't think my husband gets it. I have told him some of these stories I see here but they seem to have little impact on how he thinks about these games.