Re: Helpless and Scared to death

Dear Scared, Nice to meet you last night in chat. I cannot imagine what it is like to watch your precious baby's life fall to pieces before your eyes. I know if it were me, I would also be the one supplying food, clothing, and money because as a mom, how could you not? But one thing I am seeing as the mom of an addicted gamer is that until that person - himself - understands that his gaming is destroying his life, until life becomes unmanageable, change is never going to happen. Sometimes people need space to come to a realization about what has happened to their life and we can give them that space. In our situation, a 100% ban off all games is giving our son the space he needs to think about his gaming... but we have it easy in that he's 15 and lives at home and I still have some ability to "make" him do things. If someone is off on his own, you certainly can't enforce a ban on the computer or, really, on anything else. My friend's adult brother is an addicted gamer. His parents built a small addition... literally a shed... on the side of their (modest) home. The brother lives in there with his computer and a cotbed. The parents bring him his meals and from time to time the brother comes to the door to say hello to the family but he does not attend family gatherings, nor, of course, does he work, attend school, have relationships, or do anything else that people perceive as functioning in society. The parents have tried interventions, counseling, and of course all the other measures that we've all tried (crying, arguing, pleading, making deals) and this is the accommodation they've come to. They have decided that it is better to have him in the shed than floating around out there someplace. I don't know. If it were my son, would I want him at home in a shed, or would I figure, even if he stays addicted, he will figure out some way to function? Get some job, however ill-suited to his abilities and talents, and get some apartment, and some life, so he could keep on playing? I think I would probably figure he could do that - unless of course there were some underlying mental illness or condition that would make him unable to deal at all, in which case he would need drastic measures. Thank God at least this addiction doesn't make people lose their senses, there is not so much the worry that the person will be found on the side of the road or literally in the gutter. I guess the other word of hope that I have is that this is a great country for second chances. How many times have you heard about someone who, at age 50, decided they wanted to be a teacher or a lawyer or a book author and went for it, and were successful? Of course we would all like our kids to follow the path of, high school, college, maybe grad school, good job, nice family... but if you get off that path, it isn't necessarily the end of the world. At age 21, he still has time to make some detours and things can still turn out well for him, it is not like if he doesn't get it together within the next year, all is lost. In terms of the specifics of your visit, I'd say, just go and try to have the best time you can. I would NOT plan to sit there in his apartment and watch him game. You can offer him the opportunity to join you at a restaurant or other venue, and if he doesn't show, enjoy it as best you can. One of the huge symptoms of obsessive gaming is social withdrawal. It really feeds on itself, the more you isolate, the less inclined you are to go out, and the harder it becomes to walk out that door. But there is no reason you cannot try to have a nice visit and a happy time. Okay, GTG... good luck and feel free to PM me... Jane in CT, mom to Willyhog

Assuming his brother and sister are going with you because they really want to see him, not just being dragged along, speak to them beforehand and let them know you are not going to "get on his case" and don't. Also encourage them to be the ones inviting him to go out to dinner and movie, gooney golf or whatever for the nights/days you are there. From a sibling I think it is taken less as nagging and more likely to succeed. Good luck.

I didn't see the initial posting so am just going from what I glean from the responses. As the mother of a recovering gamer, I agree that it's hard to see your child 'wasting away.' I wouldn't sit watching him play and I agree that the sibs could ask him out. I have counseled many a student who weren't ready to commit to college to come back when they are ready--one thing I notice is the 'non-traditional' student seem to be much more invested in their education and I have many of those students. It has pained me to watch my daughter underachieve but take comfort that as Jane says, this is a place where there are many 'second chances.' If someone is mentally ill and harming themselves (or a danger to themselves), would we just let them or have them hospitalized? Unfortunately the gaming problem isn't seen as a 'disease.' I do think the enabling has to stop. Perhaps check in on him but why do the laundry? You also might want to talk to the relatives giving money. Perhaps they can set it aside for when he is ready to do college. I also understand completely that we want to shield our children from disapproval by relatives but in the end that's not helpful either. I still haven't told my parents about my daughter (but they have health troubles so I haven't wanted to burden them) but it was an enormous relief when I shared with my sibs.

Scaredmom, please don't ever think of yourself as a bad mother. Each and every once of us here is facing the same issue; just this week, a friend of mine heard a television broadcast about gaming addiction and it was suggested that teen gaming addiction was simply the result of bad parenting. What's important is the intent with which the action is taken, and I know there isn't a one of us who doesn't want what's best for our child. Family dynamics are different and you have to know yours to respond accordingly. In my case, my family and friends are my greatest support. They know everything and will continue to do so. Each of my siblings had an adopted child who struggled with addiction. One set of parents took the tough love route; that child never married, is a fabulous single parent, owns a home, is responsible and looks to share their story with whoever will listen. The other set of parents was more enabling ; a young marriage (and subsequent divorce) produced two children who have been greatly supported by the grandparents. That child continued to live at home and continued to be enabled and has been in and out of the legal system. Returning home is no longer an option. We were forced to send our teen away from home; it was the only way we could remove him from the things he enjoyed but had not earned. I'm a firm believer in the "rock bottom" theory. You must suffer the consequences of your addiction and realize the destruction you have caused to yourself and others in order to seek recovery, in earnest. Your son is not a child; he needs to feel some consequences. As for your younger children; they know he isn't living up to his potential. My mother tried to cover up my father's alcoholism but I knew it...in fact, I was the one who informed her that he was an alcoholic and not just a man who liked to drink. Are you going to see him because he asked you to, or because you and his siblings want to see him? Perhaps you should go somewhere else where you can have fun and relax instead. You all need to enjoy your lives; your son is an adult and you are no longer responsible for his.

Welcome scaredmom! A I would have posted last night but, well, I was sorta busy. A It's a shame that the same news stories that bring people to us desperately needing help also bring out the *******(self-censored). A Anyway,my 20-year-old son flunked out of college his first year due to WoW addiction and is now in recovery. A I can REALLY relate to your pain in seeing your son disappear into a game. A It's heartbreaking. A I still remember vividly our two trips to his college, one at night down a virtually empty interstate, not knowing what we would find when we got there, because he had cut off all contact, wasn't reading e-mail, answering cellphone or room phone. A We had no idea at the time what was even wrong with him. A It was so scary.
I can also relate to the fear of telling the relatives, but the one who is giving him money needs to stop or he will never get well. A I know it's an embarrassing addiction, but at least the newspapers are taking it seriously in the past week. A The story was all over on Thursday and Friday. A You could show your relative that this is real and that he needs help, but not in the form of enabling. A Writing him a letter telling him exactly what you're feeling in a loving way might help somewhat. A I found writing a letter to be better than trying to talk to my son, because he was so argumentative when he was gaming that any conversation just deteriorated rapidly. A If you can find the post "Letter to My Son" around here somewhere, you can get an idea of what worked for us. A It's important to let them know that you understand how they got sucked in, and that the game companies make these games to do just that, so maybe he won't feel quite as bad about himself. A It's extremely embarrassing to admit you got addicted to a GAME. A Make it clear to him in the letter that you love him but you will no longer be enabling him by doing his laudry, cleaning up after him, or giving him money, and that you are doing same BECAUSE you love him and you know that he can only get well when HE decides to get well, but you will be there for him when he does. A Good luck and big hugs to you. A I wish the AMA doc I saw on NBC World News Tonight last night who equated gaming addiction to being passionate about "baseball, model cars, and model trains" could read some of the recent posts, including yours.

Have a good trip and come back and let us know how it went.