:'(What if he walks away from it on his own? What if it isn't an addiction for him (but I am convicted it is!) and the "what if" causing the greatest hesitatiion; What if my posting here in some way keeps him from coming here and finding help?" My son is wonderful, and amazing, full of potential; and for some time I have been watching him slip away. It is as though two different people live inside his personhood and all the other children, my spouse and I all wait eagerly for the moments when the one free of gaming appears and joins us. Totally guilty of enabling!!! Terrified of the consequences of "cold turkey" removal; many tears, and heartaches trying to respond with urgency, yet clueless what to do first! When he comes here, you will love him. Refuse to give up hope; afraid for how low his bottom will be, cannot bear to watch. His siblings hold on to him, fresh love for him no matter which person shows up (the amazing kid; or the stuggling person who's life has been gripped by something that sucks all the life out of you. Have been reading posts for weeks; you are all very wonderful. I cannot wait for him to meet you. One day at a time seems soooo slow at times! One game is too many, hours of endless gaming not enough! Thanks for being here. Must stop here or all will ask why mom is crying at the computer. What if I don't know how to post this? (dinosaur on the computer!) Thank you for listening.
I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by it all. My child is on the mend but I was where you are and eventually it was getting off game completely (is it WoW?) that was the huge step. Do not fear cold turkey! Some kids cannot moderate. Her psychiatrist says she has had much success with "cold turkey" There may well be some acting out. You don't say how long this has been going on but when you can you might want to give the whole story. If you have been reading there are several parents here (me included) who have been going through exactly what you have. If he has been reading, you are luckier than me. We are with you.
Welcome mm! Yes, there's a lot of uncertainty that goes with this addiction. Even those of us with kids in recovery talk all the time about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tears are pretty common too. We're keeping the Kleenex company in business here. I'm gonna buy stock in it one of these days. I used to have to remember to stick a couple in my pocket when i went to church, because as soon as I would start to pray for my son, the tears would start to flow, right in the middle of mass. The other day I was cleaning out some old papers and found my son's acceptance letter to the university he flunked out of and the tears started again. I know someday we'll get past this, but I'm not accustomed to all this uncertainty. You are an OLG-anon member and if he comes here we can make him an OLGA member. Then you both have a place to post (in the member forums) where the other cannot see what you have written. So if he's hesitant to come here because he doesn't want you to see what he is posting, you can reassure him that he can still be anonymous, even from you. It's a start.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
What if you came here for help and got it? What if your son made changes you never anticipated? What if you let go of your fear of the unknown and...jumped! What if it got better? What if you were surprised? All these things happeend to me. I knew the answer to "what if we keep doing what we're doing?" I had to find out "what if we do something different?" and I did, and it's getting better all the time. Yes, there are tears, yes, there is fear. BUT we are no longer stuck. What a joy to be unstuck.
Loridee, it's great to hear things are getting better. With me, I had to struggle with my husband to do something different. Even so, it wasn't until my daughter lost it one night after I disconnected the modem that he saw she had a problem. That event may have ended in hospitalization but I do think it forced something different and she's been healing. She is almost human today. She also applied for a job! Yeah!. I'm so glad for you. Let us know what you have been doing differently.
Hugs!
Doing differently: Playing hardball. No longer trusting him to do what he says he's going to do. Disconnecting any household access to the internet (via the modem) when we go to bed. No more food and drink at the computer. No more using my Paypal to buy stuff on game. No more enabling whatsoever. Giving chores, having firm expectations. Talking, talking, talking. Allowing him freedom to do stuff with friends, have friends over, investigate any activity or sport that doesn't include computer. Facing that I was part of the problem, when he was gaming I knew what he was doing, where he was and who he was with (gaming, at home, alone). Accepting that when he behaves like a normal teenager, that's ok and better than being sucked into the game. Taking our family to the cabin and not allowing any electronics whatsoever, only guitars and books. Teaching him to cook. Lots of things different. Scary, but good.
That's great Loridee and yes, I guess we fear normal teen stuff too much. Ironic isn't it that they stayed away from 'drugs' (including tobacco) and then got into these destructive behaviors. sounds like he's cooperating--more than I initially got at this end.
So grateful for your responses! My son is 18 1/2, the eldest of seven children. We didn't allow any type of gaming in our home, until he began working, making his own money and began purchasing computer games, and his first X-Box when he was 15. (The rest is history!) He kept pushing the line; we kept fighting to keep the computer/TV central, limited, ... However, it was like quicksand. I saw it coming and nobody believed me. Clueless to all the ways we were enabling him, I finally lost it when nobody was allowed to walk through the den; and if guests came he could hardly acknowledge them. We fought hard to keep him coming to family dinners, have friends over... Sometimes they would come and end up sitting watching him play. The boys across the street set up land somethings - and they would carry several boxes,... and equipment and have all night tournaments playing Halo or Halo 2; (my son always won, he has trophies from them). It continued to suck him in. We rationalized- we know where he is, who he is with (I realize now we did not); what he is doing- it could be worse. I recognized addiction festering, he wrote a paper on addiction (defending his stance). Please dad, I don't drink or do drugs, I am not dating, my grades are good LET ME PLAY! Counseling backfired- give him his own space, set fewer limits, he's going to be 18- do you want to lose him over gaming. We made a room down the basement, put the equipment set up at the bottom of the stairs where I could see him. All the while, a very obsessed person moved into my wonderful sons mind and body. I knew it- this story is going too long! Moved into Diablo, WOW,... everything I have heard of here. WOW was the beginning of the real end! Began watching him destroying himself; and this ripple bringing great suffering in the marriage and family. Everyone began wanting him back. A medical issue took a turn for the worse and he ended up hospitalized for fifteen days (almost lost him a few times during those days.) So many tears and prayers and wonderful friends. God got us through it. Then he was thrown for a terrible loop- having experienced tragedy he was and is struggling (too long to explain in this post) to recover and rehab. We let him back on to game and try and "recover". How could we be this confused?. He has been unable to re-hab from the surgeries due to gaming issues- not eating right; not sleeping; not getting exercise;... Not in a good place right now health-wise, school decision-wise, Still afraid to take it all away and have him leave over it- he's not well enough to leave. Would do anything to help him recover. I loved how you turned around the "what if's"- it reminded me of "the courage to change the things I can", and I think a therapist familiar with the addiction and able to help him recover the medical traumas would be great - if he will go????? I'm wanting to do something to send out a warning to all other parents- don't open the door to this heartache, it hurts, it reallly hurts. THanks again for listening. I will try to get more concise now that all of this has spilled out.
Yes, it hurts, it hurts so bad. But through the hurt is the healing and there is no other path to it. You have to stare the fear in the face and see it for what it is. Sometimes it's the fear that stands between where you are now and where you need to be. Keep coming here, we'll keep talking, answering, asking questions and supporting each other. You are not in a place where no one has been before. The whole counseling thing gets me going, I am a therapist and before this happened in my family I may well have said what your counselor said. Try to find someone who specializes in addiction, go first and explain the situation, maybe direct them to this website and the work of Kimberly Young, she wrote a book "Caught In The Net" about internet addiction with a section on gaming addiction. Therapists need to be educated.
Couldn't agree more Loridee. My daughter's therapist said the same thing re needing to give my daughter her space, freedom to make choices etc. Interestingly, a friend who is also a therapist had thought it was okay for me to set limits etc. In any case, my daughter's psychiatrist also had a different perspective--probably because she saw the addictive tendencies (her son was also playing although she had said he limited himself--I don't know if that continued) and her view is that even though many don't get addicted, some do and that's a problem. Needless to say, my daughter did not like her psychiatrist. MMneuge, it does hurt. It really helped me when I came here and spilled the beans--people knew what I was talking about and it was such a relief because my husband didn't want to hear it (and still doesn't really). For a while I was also being hassled for coming here but I don't really get flack anymore since I said in the presence of our therapist (we ended up in therapy because as you pointed out it takes a toll on the family and the marriage) that I got support here and I needed that to cope. So here I am and it is still such a relief to know one is not alone and the impact is so similar---hopefully our stories of successes in helping our children recover will give others strtaegies to help theirs and hope that they (and we) will heal. My daughter is right now watching a movie with her dad , sister and some visitors. It's so good to see this and hear her laughing. Many tears have been shed here, many struggles, and even hospitalization. There's hope so you have come to the right place for support and I do hope that he goes to therapy. The therapists need to be educated and you may have to do that. I'd give whatever therapist you use this site. Maybe even Loridee could be pmed (if she'd agree). WoWparent posted a you tube site with a therapist talking about this addiction. I'm in PA--my daughter's psychiatrist doesn't have to be convinced that these games can be addicitive. If you are in these parts and want her name, let me know--PM me.
HI and welcome to OLGA. I am glad you found us! You know, you have an awful lot of company. Sometimes I feel as though I could have written any one of these mom posts, including yours. I, too, initially perceived my child's gaming as harmless, and enabled - sometimes even encouraged - it, by buying him the game, paying for the subscription and helping him upgrade the computer so he would have a faster playing environment. I, too, thought "well, at least he isn't out drinking/drugging/crashing the car into a tree." I, too, watched as my child slowly withdrew from family, society and other activities. I, too, rationalized this by saying, "it is normal for teenagers to withdraw a little bit." I noticed upsetting changes in my son's personality (greatly increased sneakiness, aggression when told to get up from the computer) and decided to think about it tomorrow instead of confronting it today. I knew my son was grinding away for hours and hours and HOURS on end, but I ignored the increasing compulsiveness of his behavior and enjoyed the kid-free time to do my own stuff. I also blame myself and my husband for all we did before our eyes were opened. I, too, am worried and frightened about the future, with a child who has already demonstrated a propensity for addiction and think perhaps this is but a harbinger of an unhappy life to come. The one thing I really need to say to you is, don't be scared to take away the WoW crackpipe. Your son will hate it, he'll even hate you (for a while), he'll probably act out and say THE most awful things but you know... this is all concrete proof of the hold this game has on his life and more reason for why it can't go on. Our son went through actual physical (not to mention emotional) withdrawal and, even with 60+ WoW-free days under his belt, he still gets intense cravings. The most recent expansion has re-kindled the "need" once again. If you tell him the gaming has to end and he says, hey, no problem, it means one of two things: 1. he really doesn't have a problem in which case great or 2. he's already figured out how he's giong to game anyhow (a much more likely scenario). Addicts figure out a way to feed the need until they're ready to confront their problems... never ever trust your son when it comes to gaming again. I'm sorry to say this but, truly, don't ever believe him again when he tells you anything about his intent to control it or "just game a little bit" or "just log on to see what's happening." He's going to do what he has to do because he has no control over this thing, so you, as the parent and the person who loves him best in all the world, is going to have to set the limits. Get educated about the technicalities of removing it from your system - just breaking the game disks is not enough - I know it is a pain but you have to do it for your son's sake. Stay strong. Get outside support from friends or relatives if you can (try to find non-judgmental people who will not explain how this is all the result of bad parenting). Hang in there and keep coming back. Hugs, Jane in CT
Mmneuge, the other mothers have pretty much said it all.A But for whatever it's worth, I'm listening and understanding all those thoughts and emotions you're having, too.A We'll keep sharing as long as you want us...and maybe even after you're tired of hearing from us :D. The most important points all have raised is that your options are limited.A You can either turn the other cheek and hope that things change or take action to facilitate that change.A Taking action is the more painful of the two options in the short-term.A But I don't think there's one of us here who hasn't eventually felt the relief of knowing we did the right thing when we again hear real laughter, see genuine smiles, get genuine hugs.A Believe me, it's worth it!
Really grateful, for your listening, and taking time to respond! New conversations with my son have added new questions. Can you help me understand these? Inability to sleep; he used to game, he's trying not to game (renting movies, music,...) cannot sleep, still up at 2, 4, sometimes even 5 am. We thought it was from the meds in the hospital; still a problem, looks like a gaming issue? Any suggestions for hurdling this insomnia? Another question, in an effort to get unplugged, now playing WOW cards with a group of friends. Human interaction better??? Still a big problem? He asked me for the scoops on this website, wrote down the address, this was hopeful for us. Only a few days left for a college decision to be made- not a full time student in the fall won't have medical insurance- rough reality for all. If he keeps gaming, or not sleeping- morning classes impossible. Thank you for sharing all you have been through. A good friend of mine wants to call a meeting of all the parents we know- the feeling of being blind-sided seems a common thread and most parents around here are unaware! :o
sleep patterns take time and effort to shift. 1. don't get frustrated, just work with the changes 2. establish consistant bed times. and wake time. If you can't sleep until 5 and have to be up at 7 anyway, eventually you will start sleeping. 3 consistency, consistency, consistency. Allowing even one exception when you are trying to change sleep patterns will create a big set back. Good Luck!
I have to agree with Gitt on the sleep patterns.A Most gamers sleep more than usual when they quit (based on posts here), but each person is different.A I have been told by many doctors that a consistant wake up time (no matter what time a person went to bed) is the key.A I would also recommend removing extra stimuli (computer, TV etc) from the bedroom and make it only a place to sleep so the body associates it in that way.A As far as the WOW cards, I do not know much about them.A I think it is great he is playing them with real friends and socializing more.A My only concern would be the constant reminder of the computer game and it triggering a stronger desire to go back.A But only he knows how much of a trigger it may be.A All you can do is be vigilant and if it becomes a problem, try to find a substitute activity for him. Kathy
Great advice! Really glad for the clarity. You are wonderful. Best of luck to you as well.
Is he going away to school or will he be living at home? I strongly advise NOT letting him go away to school if he is still pulled towards the games, especially if it is a private (read: expensive) school. 24/7 High-speed access 2 steps from his bed in a dorm room and classes he really doesn't have to show up for is a recipe for disaster for a gamer. Send him to community college. Is there a large UPS facility anywhere near you? Our son works at an air hub and his health insurance is free from UPS. They also reimburse for his college tuition. Otherwise, you can get him an individual health insurance policy through BC/BS (or other sources) for about 60-70 dollars a month if he's a healthy young man (go to ehealthinsurance.com). That's still way cheaper than throwing thousands down the drain in wasted tuition. If he does go away to school, make sure you have access to talk to his teachers about his progress and make sure you see his midterm grades as soon as they come out. There are forms he needs to sign to give you access, or you can bring a copy of the front page of your 1040 that lists him as a dependant to whatever office handles those things at his school. If he just recently stopped, it may take awhile for the fog to clear from his brain. My son had a terrible time concentrating on anything, even basic 100-level courses, until he was several months out from the games. My vote would still be for Community College, with very close monitoring of grades and withdraw from any classes failing or near-failing by meidterm, in order to minimize damage to GPA. Good luck.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
On the WoW cards, I think you have to watch it really carefully. My instinct would be a nix. The problem is, with a real addiction, any mention or viewing of the desired thing will only trigger more longings. I showed Willy an anti-WoW video (that contained screenshots from the game) and he wound up crying! Rather than getting the message, all it did was remind him of what he was missing. Depending on the strength of your son's addiction, playing with the cards may only tempt him into going back. My own view is, you have to get to the point where you actively HATE the subject of your former addiction. I know I am at that place with cigarettes, I just can't stand the sight or smell of them. Others obviously deal in different ways, though, so I'm not saying this is an absolute. But do, seriously, watch it on the cards. I'm really glad he's having real life friendships and interactions but it would be super if it could center around something healthier (sports, cars, movies, music) rather than "chipping" on WoW. JMO! Jane in CT