I am new here...first post.A Yesterday I read something on here about it being a recipe for disaster to send your kid off to college with a gaming addiction.A A :'( Well reading that just made me cry.A My son is 19 and in his first yr of college, away from home.A He is addicted to the game Flyff.A Being an addict of this game, of course he would never label himself as an addict.A He has never had good social skills, even as a young child and even with enrollment in extra curricular activities.A He has always preferred the solo activiities or those with just one other person.A As a kid it was lego for hours on end (yes he has ADHD, I hear like alot of gamers) and chess and computers.A He has loved computers since about age 8.A Given he has always been the "loner" type, I didn't see friends falling away as he usually only has one good friend.A As his buddy got more involved in work and school, my son got more into gaming.A I always tried to limit his time playing video games or online.A Around age 15 he got more into online games.A At the time I was suffering from severe depression and couldn't even get out of bed for months beyond personal care and getting to the doctor.A Needless to say this was when he had all the time he wanted online.A My depression is long gone and my son was still controllable back then and I thought it was bad then.A About a year and a half ago he and I went on vacation together (single parent and only child).A He drove me nuts the whole week as he couldn't wait to get back home and on the computer.A No matter what we did, he kept saying he would be having more fun at home on the computer.A That really upset me.A Needless to say, I realized that may be our last vacation together.A A :'(A Although the amount of time he spent on the computer bothered me there was some hope as he played on a sports team all four yrs in high school and he loved it!A I was so happy there was something besides games for him to focus on.A He also worked alot, at times two jobs, against my advice while a ft highschool student.A Last year he took a year off school between high school and college.A The plan was to work and save money for college.A He drove me insane as he spent much of that year sitting on his ass playing Flyff or sleeping!A He finally got a job only weeks before school started because I drove him to a place I knew was hiring.A He worked hard again but when he wasn't at work he was gaming.A He started college in September.A He's studying something in the computer field...like the kid needs more time on a computer!A However that is what he is good at.A Computer stuff just comes naturally to him.A He is in first yr of college and last term got excellent marks, 100% in two courses and 90s in all others except one that he missed the exam for!!!!!A He thought the exam was at a different time then it was.A Students don't usually get invited to be student tutors, that will be paid, until second yr.A However his marks were so outstanding that he will be a tutor this term.A He openly says he didn't study at all as the courses he's taking are too easy so far.A He did all of his assignments at the beginning of the term, last term and then spent the rest of the term mostly gaming.A He went to class and the teacher would ask the class to work on their assignments but because his were done he went home....to play on the computer.A I talked to him last night and he said he had not been to bed in two and a half days because he's gaming.A When the phone rings he doesn't answer the phone.A He lives with an extended family member who answers the phone and then he complains that he can't talk now because of the game.A I told him there is never a time he can talk as he is always gaming.A
Everyone thinks he is doing so well because he graduated highschool, not due to putting forth any effort, I can tell you.A Anyways, people think he's doing well because he's in college and has excellent grades.A I want my son to have a life!A He seems to think he has one.A All of his "friends" are online, people he has never met, many of them living around the world!A I think this is just so sad.A He however thinks it's wonderful and he's happy.A He is now making his own game and tells me that then he will have to be online even more.A I don't know how "even more" is possible given the kids stays up for two days straight so he can game.A I am clueless as to how to put an end to this as he's not here.A Even when he is here, how do you tell a kid, who's much bigger and owns his own laptop, that he can't use it?A I can just envision what that would do as I know what it does when he can't play for an hour or two.A I was joking with him the other day that I will never be a grandma, not that I am in any hurry to be, I am only 37.A I told him he won't meet anyone if all he does is game.A He tells me he will find another gamer to be his partner.A Yikes, I could just imagine what that could bring. I am very sad for a "boy" who is quite happy with his lame life.A
I'm not sure I can give you successful advice. (see recent update our son)but would offer a few observations. (and from all the many advices I am getting from all those who love our son too, as he comes home from flunking out due to gaming. He is very much like your son, but does have a net work of local friends. (and unlike your son could not handle his course with his hours of gaming and just quit going to classes ). Who is paying for his college? If he is on scholarship, he will have to keep the grades up and it will be harder once he gets past his "intro" courses. If you are paying, then make sure you have real transcripts sent to you from the school. Our son forged his first semester grades. If you are paying use this as leverage to help him expand his horizon. If his classes are so easy for him, I think it is entirely justified to say that part of his college education is to get some social education. Have him help find one other activity to start that will help him in the future. (yes, a team sport would certainly count and he could do intramurals) Maybe the school has a business etiquette class. Maybe a computer club for future job contacts. Anything that gets him out with real people would be a start. (one step of my son's down spiral was to stop going to the things like that he had started at school)
If he is doing so well in classes, help him feel very good about that. It may help give him the sense of self worth that will make the fantasy life less compelling. Being a TA will be a very good thing for him. When he comes home, see if he can't connect with real people. could he bring home someone from school who doesn't have somewhere to go for spring break etc. Is the relative he lives with a gamer?? if not have them help. If so but they have "real life" have them help get him "up and out" with even going to the grocery store etc. He needs to have counselling, but not because he is "a loser". but because he wants to be "a winner" in what ever life he envisions. If he could find a mentor in the computer department, that would be a huge help. He knows your problems so approach it as preventative, or as need family counselling for you if he is willing (which it sounds like you need)
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
That's a tough situation. I can understand your frustration about his social situation. My son had the same situation, but on top of that he flunked out of college. He was not able to keep up his grades with all the gaming he was doing. I guess it's a plus that your son can at least keep up his grades so far, even though I know that the social situation is heartbreaking for a mom. The most you can do with an adult child is to set ground rules about what happens in your house and with your money. He has the option to obey the ground rules or not. You have the option to continue to support him or not. If you are providing the college tuition, it should stop at the first sign of failing grades. If he is a dependent, you have the right to see his grades and talk to his professors. At a minimum, I would make arrangements to have a copy of his midterm report sent to you or accessible online. All you need to do is show someone in the registrar's office a copy of the first page of your 1040 where he is listed as a dependent and they have to communicate with you. If his midterm grades ever show failures, have him drop classes immediately to avoid damage to GPA. At our house, the rule is that children over 18 are in school full-time with a part-time job or they are out on their own. If he is living in your house, he needs to be completely responsible for his own upkeep. That includes cleaning his own room, doing his own laundry, and eating meals with the family or preparing his own meals (do not bring him food at the computer when he is home).
There is lots of support here for moms, and lots of us moms. Hugs to you. You are not alone.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
If we has been doing what he needs to and doing well, then you have very little leverage. You might want to express concern about his 'social development' and encourage him in some of the other activities that edarimom mentions. I wonder about this 'completeing assignments' at the beginning of term. No college professor I know has ever given all of their assignments at the beginning of the semester. Are you sure the grades he showed are authentic?
Great advice above. Not much to add, except first welcome, and, second, that Edarimom is totally right when she says that nobody can go to college and get straight A's and game obsessively... forever. Your son might be able to ace things on the introductory level (are you sure he's taking required classes, not ones that he knew would be too easy from the get-go?) but as college years go by, that won't be the case. Also, as Satyag says, don't assume he's being truthful. Our son turned into the biggest sneak and liar you ever saw, just to enable his playing. They'll give you any bogus excuse, just to get you off their back and to be able to keep on playing. You are really doing a great thing by coming here and being proactive. For so many of us, the situation with our children deteriorated horribly before we finally stepped in and started making the hard choices, and doing the hard things. You are completely right to try and get a handle on this now before things get worse. Strength, Jane in CT, mom to Willyhog
I studied math in university at the University of Waterloo and one of my best friends there was also one of the most bright math students in Canada (e.g., he came first place in Canada in one of the math contests). He never had to do too much work to succeed in school but even he has his limitations. For example, his marks in first year were somewhere in the 80's overall even though he was taking quite a few math courses which, of course, he is good at. In second year, his marks dropped. For example, for some reason he chose to not do any studying for the regular second year calculus exam (this was around 25 years ago so I don't think that video games were his problem) and so he did not do very well in it although he did pass. Now, keep in mind that he was also taking some quite tough courses but, unless your son is amazingly brilliant or is taking very easy courses, I doubt that he could be getting the sort of marks that he is claiming without doing any significant work. Even if he is, it is very unlikely that he will be able to continue to do anywhere near that well in later years without doing quite a bit of work.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)