I don't think this topic is as important as so many of the other issues we face, but the season is approaching and I have to make some decisions about how to handle what can be a difficult time for many people who are estranged from family.
It has been about a month since my 18 year old high school senior decided that life on his own was better than life with mom and dad AND it is because there are no restrictions on his WoW gaming. He, of course, would deny this as the main reason, but I know I am correct.
We have always altered Thanksgiving dinner between my family and my husband's. My sister is three hours away and we are going there for Thanksgiving. Gamer son, who now has to work for a living, does not have the day off, so he is not going and the other side of the family is an even further drive. I thought about calling him on Thanksgiving and having all of his cousins say hi on his message phone so that he still feels connected to the family and may also feel a little guilt about the choices he made since he is not there. Not sure it is a good idea or not.
Then, there is the issue of Christmas. I will not enable his addiction and I think his moving out on his own is a bad idea and I don't want to support him in it either, but I can't just not get him a Christmas present. Gift cards to shoe and clothing stores (with no electronics department) comes to mind, although he hadn't used the gift card from his grandmother the last time I talked to him about it. I would give a bag of groceries to a homeless person, so I suppose I could get him a grocery store gift card and make a plate of homemade cookies like he and I always used to do.
His uncle wants us all to come out to his 'club' for dinner one night just before Christmas, but he has to have advance commitments and I know I cannot speak for gamer son. Uncle should just ask him directly, I suppose.
Any thoughts?
Janet
Sadly, I would agree that a groceries store gift card and a plate of home made cookies would be a good move. Make sure the card can't be used for anything but food, if thats even possible. Have Uncle call, maybe Uncle could get an idea of how son is doing better than you could on your own. Gift cards are best if they are store oriented and not exchangable for other items like cash back or electronics like you mentioned. Holidays are tough in addiction and in recovery as well. There are moments of Joy where you don't feel like experiencing them because of your despair. I have been there both as an addict and as the relative of the addict. It is a hard road ahead but with the support of the community here I know you'll do fine. Keep us informed and keep coming back!
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
Hi, glad to see you are around. I've been thinking about your situation and trying to send positive energy your way. I think your instincts vis-a-vis the holidays are right on target. If you try to force him to participate in any of the family things, he will only make you miserable and ruin them. I know it will be hard to have these special times without him, but at this point he cannot be "himself" and exercise enough self-control so that these days are not spoiled for you. I know they won't be happy days anyway, but they'll be better than they would have been, had he been present and acting out. Sad to say it, he will be much "happier" sitting home, playing WoW and eating his Hot Pockets, than he would be otherwise. The grocery gift card and the plate of cookies are a great idea, assuming, as John says, that the grocery card can't be used for computer-related stuff (so many of the stores around here sell everything, including games, so be sure to check). There will be a piece of him that recognizes that you didn't forget or ignore him, even though, as you say, you didn't enable him, either. You can decide how you feel about this, but it might be worth it to just share with the uncle why it is that your son won't be joining you for dinner. I have found that my family has actually been quite supportive around Willy's gaming issue, that it's made me feel better to tell them the truth, and they have also had some good ideas for me. And, it is a lot better to just be honest about what's happening, rather than helping my son "cover his tracks" so to speak by keeping silent or making up an excuse. Keep hanging in there... Jane
Actually, Jane, I tell everybody everything about my son's video game addiction. I find myself talking to total strangers, like the X-ray technicians last week or someone standing in line in front of me at the grocery store. I warn them about the dangers of these games for some people. I try not to sound like a fanatic or someone with my own obsession, but to keep it reasonable. I was talking to my brother in law who is a recovered alcoholic, and when I told him about this web site as a 12 step program, there was first silence, and then he said he could see how gaming could be an addiction. By talking to my friends and family, I have also discovered which ones provide me with helpful feedback. I also need to pay attention to knowing when I have dumped on them too much. It is a bit humiliating to admit I am powerless over my son's addiction, but that is the first step for me as well as for him.
Janet
Oh, I'm so sad that you have this to deal with during the holiday season. A Last year our son was in wilderness therapy and had to cook himself a Cornish hen. A For Christmas we sent him some puzzles and games since that was all he was allowed, other than some motivational books to read. A We weren't able to speak with him until February, long after the Christmas holidays had passed. A Our son turned 17 just a week or so before he left. A We gave him some gift cards since we were facing the same dilemma as you. A Unfortunately, he traded them for cash so be forewarned. A I think the idea of cookies or any kind of healthy food/meal is terrific. Hang in there...you'll get through this. A It's good that you are able to be with some extended family. A We had some of my husband's family with us for Thanksgiving; it kept us busy and our minds off our worries. A Christmas was awful since we were all alone, just our daughter and the two of us. A We did our best but I don't look forward to a repeat at any time. It's good to see you back and I hope you keeping posting. A We are here for you...good news or bad. A I really do believe that there are happier times ahead if you can just weather through this.
I have come to the conclusion that there is no guarantee that every holiday will be a happy one. I have had very happy ones in my life, and maybe these upcoming ones will not be so happy. Thanksgiving, and Christmas for that matter, are something that happens inside of me. There are definitely stuff on the outside that affect how I feel, but if I keep the gratitude of Thanksgiving and the joy of Christmas inside of me and don't worry about what's going on around me, I'll be okay. Things with my son are not good right now. Without gaming other problems have come to the surface that we are dealing with as best we can. Sometimes it seems like he's coming around and then we get blindsided by something. We are just riding the roller coaster, continually making him responsible for his own behavior, and letting go, letting go, letting go. Since the cut-off of the computer we've had pot use (several instances, one in our basement while we were home), substantial theft (from his grandparents), skipping school, skipping work, totalling the car...let me see, I'm sure I've left out something. It's wrong, but sometimes I long for the days he was staring at a screen and I didn't know anything about gaming addiction. My heart wasn't quite so broken then. Anyway, I plan to enjoy what I can of the upcoming holidays, enjoy the people that are there and let go, let go, let go. I wish you the same.
My heart aches for all the moms on this board. My son is only 2 years old, and I'm already planning on a life of NO video games for him. It's going to be hard with the example his father sets, but reading your stories makes it very clear how important it is. I hope the holidays go well for you guys. I know it's a cliche, but this too shall pass.
You have gotten some good suggestions. I don't really have anything to add. The problem of what to get them for Christmas is always tough, since their whole lives are built around these games and they have no other interests. Gift cards to one store can be bartered for cash or cards to another store. There are internet sites where you can do it. Maybe just buy him some groceries. He has to eat SOMETHING, doesn't he? Tell uncle you don't know if he would be able to come because he spends his entire time playing a computer game but he is welcome to ask and let him take it from there. Let gamer son know he is welcome at your house for whatever festivities you are having on Christmas and see what happens. This is so hard. Keep coming back for support. Glad you're not embarrassed to talk about it with folks. We need to get the word out. I'm totally with you on that.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I have my own concern about the upcoming holidays. Since 2004, there has been a very disturbing trend in my household. The first time my husband was hospitalized - gangrene as a result of diabetes - it was two weeks before Thanksgiving. He has gotten sick between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year since, as well as a number of times inbetween. Last year he was in the hospital from his birthday (Nov 29) up until two days before Christmas. I actually bought my present "from him" myself. Luckily my mom was out here from California last year for the holidays, so she helped me out, otherwise I would have been completely overwhelmed handling everything. My mom's coming out again this year. But the time is coming up, and I'm petrified. He's refused to go to his surgeon for his regular check-ups the last two months. He says nothing is wrong, he just doesn't want to "jinx" it. I understand if that's the case, but he's lied to me so many times before, about so many things. Meanwhile, I've got a million things going on at work, in school, plans with my mom, and I think if he lands in the hospital one more time I may just strangle him with his IV tube!
As someone who lives with substantial health uncertainty regarding her own husband, all I can do is reiterate what I have told myself a thousand times... which is, I am doing really, really great if I can control myself, much less anybody else. Look, your husband is a big boy. Certainly big enough and old enough to make his own decisions about his health. He can collect information and opinions and go from there. If he wants to enlist you in his health process, he will do that, but if he chooses to go it alone and make his own choices, even choices you wouldn't make, then that is what it is. The only person in all this that you can control is you. I know it sounds kind of hardhearted to tell you to let go of it, but if you think about it, your husband is being a little bit hardhearted, too. In your view he is making irresponsible choices that have a good potential to ruin your family's holidays, and possibly lead to long-term injury for himself as well. That's not too nice, but he is an adult and he can both make his own decisions, and live with the consequences of those decisions. What I do, from a realistic point of view, is tell my husband that he has a family full of people who love him very, very much. I can remind him that I hope to grow old with him and make our last years truly golden. I can even remind him of how much he doesn't want to die and leave his own children behind, the way his father did when he was 16. I can support him (going with him to doctor visits, listening to his thought process), but I can change neither his mind nor his heart. I wish you peace over the holidays. It is all, and the very most, that any of us can hope for. Jane
Jsm, I agree with gamersmom to just give him food--a nice foodbasket would do--of his favorite things. Alternatively, if he doesn't want to come with you offer to take him out for dinner when you get back. If your holidays were always happy then it is possible that missing that might give him pause, some perspective on what he has missed or is missing.
Right now I'm not recalling really unhappy holidays, though last year's post xmas trip was something of a disaster because of gaming daughter but even then there were moments of pleasure.
Shows you how street-wise I am... I would not have thought that he couls trade the gift cards for cash, and then buy game time etc for that. Food basket? Dinner out maybe. I think this is a very good thread.
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
I also have enjoyed this thread. I am hesitant to add much because we are still in the thick of it with our soon to be 19 year old. However, in case it helps, some ideas we have tried are: taking them and buying a tank of gas (this was a gift our son received from a friend of ours); a homemade coupon booklet (ours included: out for one movie with guest of choice; out for lunch; one back rub; redeem for laundry being done one time by sisters; one trip to grocery store of your choice with $ limit; redeem for one outfit; ...) Cannot remember all the rest. It is for us a tricky balance between not enabling - yet reminding -"everyone at home still loves and cares about you". Thanks for getting us thinking for this season. May you have the serenity to get through all of it without losing your own gratitude and joy!
I am pretty much in the same boat. My son is still not communicating with me but I want to give him something, even if it is just gift certificates. (He agreed to take my money for tuition next year but does not want to speak with me.) The thought of being home without him for the holidays distresses me to no end so I booked a one week trip to Cancun for my other son and myself at an all inclusive resort. I just don't want to be home missing him at Christmas.
Good for you Ladyca! A suggestion about tuition. How about telling him you'll reimburse him or pay off a student loan if he finishes the semester with a C-average? Or, you'll pay tuition up front if he comes home and gives up the game?
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Thanksgiving was quite pleasant with my side of the family this year. A bunch of nieces and nephews having fun being together, playing sports with each other and board games with their aunties. All growing up and getting taller. A new baby to hold, good conversation, good food. The 18 year old independent gaming son did not attend. He had to work and he didn't want to ride with us anyway and had no other way to get there. I called him and let all his cousins say hello with two purposes in mind. To let him know that he is still loved and cared about AND to show him what he is missing by the choices he made. I think he spent his Thanksgiving at a fast food restaurant with co-workers. Christmas is a little more complicated because we always see both sides of the family over the Christmas week. I know one of his grandmothers wants the illusion of a happy family at Christmas and may accommodate him in ways that I would not. But, that is out of my control and I think he will show everyone his true colors at some point. I'll let you know what I do for Christmas for him. Janet
Janet
I am happy you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. Your decision o call and talk was a good one and maybe just maybe, i made him think of what he was missing. I am up worrying about my non-gaming daughter and the choices she makes. I wonder if we ever stop worrying about our kids?
Maybe your son will decide to spend Christmas with you if he realized that he missed a lot of the fun this Thanksgiving.
I agree, I think somewhere in his heart of hearts, he will remember that you all cared enough to call. Even while he was enjoying his outsider status, eating his turkey mcBurger with special sauce! Bless your heart for still worrying, still caring, still trying. Jane