hi, i'm new here. my 21 year old son won't admit he has a problem. i don't know how to help someone who doesn't acknowledge they need help.
he says he still socializes, has a gf and a part-time job, so he does not fit the profile of an addict. whenever he is on the games, he is a different person, a very urgy person. on days when his schedule is free. he can be having screen time all day - either gaming, watching online vids, watching other players play. he's been sleeping 4-5am. i'm concern for his mental and physical health, not to mention character changes. he has an autoimmune kidney condition and i'm afraid these back to back late nights will take it's toll and cause another flare up. our relationship is severely strained due to his anger outburts and vulgarities when told to cut back or stop. i can't unsubscribe broadband service at home as other members need it for legit reasons. i'm afraid if i push him further he'll just play at his friends place. i thought at least being at home, i'll know what's on the screen. if he plays at his friends place, i won't know if he visits porn site or smokes and drink as they play. instead of making effort to dealing with life, he is escaping through these.
he says he needs his chill time. to him gaming and wacthig online vid = chill time. i'm afraid if i deny them to him completely he'll resort to other says if chilling like smoking and drinking or some other worse form of abuse. last night i said he can have chill time up to 1am latest but he won't accept it. he asys i'm makign a mountain out of a molehill and ruining our relationship with this control. he keeps saying he knows what he is doing and everything is under control
gosh,i feel so stuck.
I am sorry that you have to go through this. There are two types of addicts apparently: functional addicts and dsyfunctional addicts. My son was dysfunctonal. He stopped everything and just played games until we interfere. Yours sound like a functional one. He could not be an addict but an excessive gamer. It is very difficult to tell the difference until they decide to stop. If they can stop or moderate than they were excessive gamers but if they can't stop or moderate, it is the definition of addiction: loss of control..
I can hear your despair and it is not easy but becoming so common, like an epidemic almost..It is a digital drug. its effect on brain is similar to drug's effect. All we know is it only gets worse it it isn't dealt with. You can't really control him any longer because he is an adult and he has a job and a sort of life. The only thing you can do is to make and enforce rules in your home. If you declare your home "game free", and if he doesn't follow the rules he has to leave. You could buy a router and give internet access to some computers at home but not to his. But I don't know how effective it would be with all the smart phones and apps nowadays. It is no use arguing, yelling, crying, threatening, barganing with him. The chances are his brain is not operating normally. His addict brain will have a totally different perspective.
If you have time, please read other parent's ordeals here at OLGA and how they found solutions to their problems. If you like to share more or want us to share more please let us know. Stay strong! You are not alone! Take care.
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Welcome Ark
Glad you have found us. I can relate to hearing much of what your son has said to you by my own son.
There is an addiction test here that may help you check if he is an "addict"
http://www.olganon.org/self_tests_on_gaming_addiction
I agree that there are some tough decisions you need to make for the greater good. It will not be easy.
We can not control their crazy behavior and standards with our logic. They cannot understand or agree because they are in denial of their problem. Addiction can do that to them. He is manipulating the situation so his addiction/compulsion gets the best he can out of it
Your son's choices are his business. He needs to work it (life) out for himself by feeling consequences. He has to grow up and pay his way. While he lives in "luxury " at home there are no consequences. The sooner he reaches rock bottom, if that is where he is heading, the better. We cannot wrap them in cotton wool and expect them to mature as adults.
While he is an active addict all you have are your boundaries in your own home and the acceptance that nothing you can do can cure him but you can refuse to enable the addiction. It's your home. Your happiness is priority in your home. He is adult and only there by your grace. He is entitled to live his life in his own place, but as a guest he should respect your desire to have a peaceful and functioning home.
You can say that for to him to live at home he has to fulfill your rules ... eg no gaming, no smart phone, do chores rather than spend a whole day with a screen etc whatever you want it in your home that is reasonable expectation of a normal occupant who needs to start to take responsibility. If he breaks the rules then there must be consequences ... the ultimate one is that he must live elsewhere.
Games and internet can be as bad as drugs and alcohol to digital addicts except that other people around us do not understand the insidiousness of this addiction. They make all normal life seem boring. The addiction gets deeper and deeper to satisfy the cravings and then to escape the mess they are digging themselves into.
Make your plan on your boundaries and rules. For example, keep his gear locked away while he is in the home...or he can live elsewhere on his money. His choice. He is an adult. He will be mad at you, but he either has to accept it or take responsibility in the big wide world by himself. Don't allow him to verbally abuse you in your own home. He should be reasonable how he treats you or you can ask him to leave. Often they have feelings of entitlement. Do not be treated like a door mat. He will know when you mean business.
If he leaves he may make some bad choices ... even out of spite. That is his choice. He will learn from the consequences. If he sees you are 'OK' about him leaving and he can not manipulate you anymore he may think carefully about his next move.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-parents-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling
They will say that we are the 'bad guys' but there is not much you can do about that. We are their parents and not their friends. It's part of the manipulation. Just hope that one day he will thank you for having his best interest at heart and standing firm to do what you think is the right thing.
Addiction is a family disease. That means that the loved ones have a role to play in the dynamic that fosters unhealthy behaviours (addiction) and keeps them happening by enabling and controlling behaviours. If you become aware of the way you are feeding this situation and take a step back things may change. You may need to examine your expectations about his life. It will probably help if you can read the sticky posts on parents and spouses forums on how to help and look after yourself, set appropriate boundaries and detach with love.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
thanks polga and may light for you input.
while i figure out how to deal with this, i am hoping 2 years of mandatory military training will help him break free. he is due to enlist for national service either later this year or next. for 9 - 12 weeks, he'll be boarded in training camp and only has access to internet time for an hour each night. lights out at 10pm daily. they're allowed to come home on weekends. do you think this will help him drop out of his addiction? after the 12 weeks is over, he may or may not be able to come home more frequantly depending on which vocation within the armed forces he is posted to.
many times i feel very guilty and blame myself for poor parenting and that i need to depend on the military to set him straight.but i am thankful at least there is such a hope.
This could be a positive thing for him. He will meet new people and he will have to cope. He will hear their stories and it may give him new horizons. Let us know how it goes !
Dear Ark. You are not to blame. Addiction isn't caused by anyone. He is just unlucky that he has a predisposition to it. Nobody told us about the power of games. It is a dirty secret. An elephant in the room that goes unacknowledged. But we know now. It's all about how we take it from this day forward. Hugs to you xx
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
It certainly is a very positive development. Military training will keep him away from internet and he will be physically active which is very good for his general well being , physical and mental health. When he comes home on the weekends, if somehow you could keep him away from the internet ( no internet at home on the weekends maybe???), this will even be better. He would have no hope left for gaming and that will be a good thing for his brain's healing.
We all blamed ourselves. That is a very natural reaction for any parent to go through when things don't work out for their children. But soon I realized blaming myself didn't help the situation, it didn't help anyone including myself. I had to move away from the guilt trap. 1 out of 10 people who are gaming develop addiction according to some researchers..Even if we knew the facts about addiction, in this era, it is impossible to keep the children away from the computer and the internet. I tried very hard to keep him away from electronic media ,internet included until when he was in year 9 but after that since almost all assignment they had required internet, he started spending ever increasing times on internet. I couldn't watch him every minute. That is when he must have started gaming as he was having breaks from studying. How would I know...And how would any parent know, internet and gaming could be so addictive..How would we know our child would be the one in ten who has a predisposition for addiction ( as Polga pointed out)..So, please don't blame yourself. It is not your fault..You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it...
Big Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia