Is forcing him offline an effective way to start?

Welcome Mayberry

It feel for you. It is very daunting to think what you have to do to help your son.

My advice is you need to stop enabling any gaming on computer or smart phone in your home, and restrict any computer use for other purposes. Taking away their digital drugs for the first time can result in an adverse reaction so be prepared by reading about it from other parents stories

Watching others game on his phone is keeping his active addiction alive and well, so that needs to stop. He will continue to obsess over gaming while he has access to that material.

Many mental health symptoms are attributable to excessive gaming.  You may find this post helpful

http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-parents-gamers/what-i-would-say-parents

You need to keep coming back here to read the other stories of parents and sticky posts that are relevant to you and do it repeatedly so it starts to soak in because you need to get a kind of resolve and even anger to stand firm against the enemy of addiction which is so cunning and manipulative.

You need to make your plan to stop enabling completety. If he doesn't accept your rules he has to make his own way in the world and this can start with the homeless shelter if he does not act reasonably in your home. You may have to bear with his behaviour for a couple of daysor so  when withdrawals are worst. If he is continuing on his smart phone he is still using digital drugs and will not heal because he is not abstaining. Because they do not physically hurt themselves and end up in hopital or prison as when addicts use drugs or alcohol, it could take many years for them to bottom out, if ever. If he has to live by his own work and pay his own rent in a home away from you then he will bottom out so much quicker because he will find himself without heating and electricity if he does not work to pay them, and even on the street.

So I recommend you completely ban all digital online media in your home. You cannot control what happens out of your home, but you can stop enabling as much as possible and that means making and enforing rules in your home. He will try to manipulate you. He will act up, but think of the long term issue. We are not their friends, we need to be parents. We need to do what needs to be done and it is not easy. I recommend you read this post:

http://www.olganon.org/comment/263927#comment-263927

Even if the smart phone is his and he pays for connection, it is equivalent to him buying and bringing drugs into your home which are making him sick. You would not tolerate them in your home because he bought them with his own money. So why would you tolerate him using a phone? He can have a flip phone in your home

We cannot cure them but while they are game free in our home their brains will start to heal and they may start to see sense.

There is a parents meeting of thurday 9pm EST/EDT in the olganon chat room for support

I can't believe the similarity of your situation to our situation. My son was almost exactly like your son except that he dropped out of school instead of graduating! Moderation never works for addicts..That is what we tried for years as well but definitely doesn't work. We ended up cutting the internet off completely at home but luckily my son didn't have a smart phone then and had no money to buy one either. If you are paying for his phone it may be a though to stop paying so he is either forced to look for a job to pay for his phone or not use his phone. Cutting the internet off completely for a few months and then bringing it back on only an hour or two per day as well as declaring our home " game free" was the beginning of our journey out of this darkness. He sold his gaming computer and shared my laptop during this two hour internet access. I think being completely away from gaming helped him a lot with the healing of his brain.

I have just posted for another parent a short while ago if you are interested in reading:

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-parents-olg-anon-members-only/do-we-take-away-computer-or-allow-him-hit

It is good that he started CBT. It is suppose to be very effective with anxiety disorder.

I believe you are on the right track. If you would like me to share more, I would be happy to do so..

All the best!

You need to decide what the consequence of his behaviour are and tell him so he knows you are deadly serious and will follow through. If he sees you do not follow through then he will not alter his behaviour.. If he doesn't act reasonably in your home,  show him where he will have to live ...for example, the homeless shelter.

I would encourage you to show your husband some of the stories here so he can relate it to your son's attitude.

Your son needs to grow up and take responsibility for getting a sustainable life. If he is comfortable at home with things how he likes it he will never change for the better.

Again I am amazed with the similarity. Giving him internet back will undo all the progress you made even if it was small.

He will break the contract... I am sorry if it was a very definite statement but we tried making contract with my son as well (more than one occasion in fact!). It DOESN't work! We can't expect it to work  either. How can they follow a set of rules while their brain is not functioning properly..They break it and it becomes very difficult to enforce the contract.

If you still haven't re-connected the internet I suggest you keep it off. It will be difficult for a few months but it gets easier. Once he realizes that the internet is not coming back he won't be that persistent. They are excellent manipulators and know which buttons to push. It is not an easy process: you turn the internet off and they recover in a few weeks without much dilemma. No, it doesn't work that way..On the contrary it is a very stressful process. More stressful than when they were engaged in gaming. A lot of resistance, yelling etc or like in our case absolute silent protest;no talking or communicating  in any other form for two months..until we give in and bring the internet back with a contract attached to it. He followed the contract only for a few days and staright back to his old habit of gaming for hours and hours every day...That was one of my biggest regrets, bringing the internet back.  

Good luck and take care.

You cannot get them to do anything they don't want to do.  All you have are your boundaries in your home with any consequences if they break them,  and you keeping your cool and determination to keep strong and not waiver or cave in to give back his fix.

You could give him a period of tolerance to get over the worst withdrawals in the early days. Then just stick to your guns and let time heal.

Try to be a loving parent but it is hard when they are at their worst, shouting and throwing their weight around. You will be dealing with an "addict" and not your son. You cannot reason with them and expect them to understand, but they will absorb any of your anger and negativity and use it as fuel for their self hate which is then deflected onto you, so try to stay calm

Have a back up plan of what you will do if behaviours become extreme. For example call the police to show you will not tolerate threats or violence.

I think its a good idea if there can always be someone at home with him when he is going through withdrawals, if possible.

I am glad that you and your husband are together on this, and that improvement is happening. These are huge steps. Thanks for getting back and sharing this. Also very interesting about the AA meeting and that it is helping you. Hugs and strength to you !