We have had a sad evening again...I am still on high alert to the lies and deception in our gamer child's life as I learnt with another child that there are layers of deceit when children are in a place of addiction. We have done everything we know to lock down the internet, phones Etc. The phone is iron clad (thanks Apple) but he has repeatedly found ways around our router and browser protection to game.
3 weeks ago I thought I had it sorted and he started showing signs
Of coming alive again - seeing friends, drawing, supping, hiking with me but last night I had a niggle in my heart and went to check on him at 9 and there he was playing League again on his iMac which has "no" internet access and was keyword protected against the game. He has just figured another way around it. So by 11 we had managed to remove the Mac from his room and taken away his phone and now we sit with a very angry son and don't know what to do about college in 3 weeks... I don't believe he will make it through college where he has a high speed "drug" available to him - and it's not the marks I am worried about its the brain damage and his future....I am wondering if we should meet with the head of the college again and get money back and try get him into a completely different thing but when we mentioned it last night he threatened suicide.... I don't know what to do....
I identify with the lies they tell just to keep us sweet. Chances are they do not buy into our ideas. No doubt like my son, they have a massive sense of entitlement that they should be able to do what they want.
I think you could have a rule that no gadgets, old gameboys etc and screens allowed in their bedroom at all and this will make it so much harder for him to cheat.
An addict who is acting on their drug of choice will not be a reasonable or trustworthy person. They only respond to feeling consequences.
He is breaking your house rules; so are there consequences for him ? Of course you have to able to carry out any threat you make. The ultimate threat is that if you don't like the rules and you are caught then you are welcome to find your own way and live elsewhere.
At the moment you are stuck in the dilema that you can see education is important for him to progress, and you are trying to broker a deal that he can go to college because that is what you want for him, we all want our kids to have this exciting time in their life and go on with their peers...as does he...but you are worried he is going to let you and himself down. And you don't want to be the 'kill joy' that says "this isn''t going to happen with my money because I can see it will all go horribly wrong"
I understand your worry about college. You could say that if his grades are below a certain level that you are going to withdraw your funding and he will have to fund the rest of the way through college, if that is what he wants to do.
We have to look at the ways in which we are enabling them to continue. Be honest with yourself about all your options and what is likely to happen for you and for him. Look at the long terms good for each of the options. Just be frank with yourself. You don't have to follow through on any of these options. Just do it to clear your head.
Then the hard part is doing what needs to be done. So strong is the parental need to rescue our children from uncomfortable situations for them. We want to give them the best opportunities.
Maybe for various reasons, we may chose to compromise with what we know is the only surefire way, to give him a last chance of redemption. If in time that does not work then we make a new plan. It's not the end of the world. It depends on your finances also. If you cannot afford for him to make any mistakes then you have to look after your money as a priority
I discovered that after a while it becomes very burdensome to keep having to control them and checking up on them. It does not do us any good with all the stress and worry. Because we cannot cure their addiction, this worry is kind of wasted energy and does no good and actually creates more problems in the situation regarding our relationship with them.
We cannot cure their addiction. While they are in our home we can minimise the effects by our rules and hope they will recover some sense. But they are adults now and our control is limited once they away from home.
But we do not have to enable them. The sooner they take control of their own lives and feel the consequences of their choices the better.
Once we have decided to stop enabling, and stop trying to control them, we can start to detach and get peace from all the worry of their choices.
If he is threatening suicide you should consider medical options/advice.
I appreciate it must be very hard for you to know what is the best thing to do in the situation. I think that him threatening suicide if you do not pay tutition for him to go to college is worrysome in itself. But I don't think its a reason to allow him to go, in the sense that we should not be blackmailed into doing stuff for that reason. It needs investigating.
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Thank you for your thorough reply and thoughts I am going to read it again slowly. So appreciate your help, thanks
The "detaching" post is insightful and I see that it is needed once we have done what we have needed to do which is have a curfew on his iphone (10pm) and remove his imac from his room, which has been done.
We have met with the college head and explained our situation and while he cannot do much about it they are on high alert to make sure they watch his assignment progress.
We ave also spoken to the family we will be sharing lifts with and the boys wont be loitering around the campus with the high speed internet line in and unprotected computers, after class they will head right home.
All passwords have been removed and the router unplugged each night.
For the rest, we will continue to offer him real life, love and boundaries...he must make his way through college and do well or end up with a large debt to us to repay. I pray and hope for the former.
Thanks for the thoughts Polga, it has helped cement our path forward.
Thanks for the update. It's great to have a plan and know where you ar going with this. It's great that staff will be watching out for him All the best to you all.
Please let us know later what happens. Good or bad it will help other parents know what might happen. We can all learn from our shared experience.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
The question of what to do about college has been posed here more times than I remember. I can tell you, however, that in all those times (over 10 years), I have never heard of a single success story when a gamer addict goes off to college. It doesn’t matter if it’s at home or away. There is simply no way to control an active gamer. You have found it impossible to prevent your son from gaming in your home. Imagine trying to do that once he’s out of your reach all day, every day.
Our gifted and talented son attended high school on a college campus at the beginning of his Junior year. It was a school whereby he would have graduated with not just a high school diploma, but also an associate’s degree. He chose to use the school-provided laptop and game in his car, using their Wifi access, rather than going to classes. Not only that, but he password protected/locked it so that we couldn’t get access.
When we sent him off to therapy 3 months into that school year, we knew he would be losing an entire semester of school, not to mention having to make up the couple of AP classes he’d failed in high school.
As a parent, it’s a hard thing to imagine your child falling behind peers with regard to education and career. But the simple truth is that once you fail out of college, you’re done. We have had many parents whose children lost scholarships, were put on academic probation, and eventually kicked out. Most of them were unaware of the school problems until multiple semesters had been paid for. Here in the states, student records aren’t shared with the parents unless a special request is made.
Even though our son was no longer gaming when he returned home, we didn’t give him the opportunity to go to an ‘away’ school. We insisted that he get a job, which he did. He also got a partial scholarship! For the first few semesters, we had him pay his tuition forward, and he was reimbursed if he maintained his scholarship and grades. That became a non-issue as he progressed. I’m pleased to say that he graduated on time.
Many of our son’s non-gaming friends took 5, 6 or even 7 years to complete their college degrees. I would highly recommend that you refuse to pay for any university expenses until he is game free for at least 6-8 months. If he wants to further himself, he’ll be able to do it later.
Excellent advice. My very bright son has been in Jr. college for five years and finally has only two classes to complete, but has struggled so much that I worry he'll graduate-even though he is so close to the end! So many F s and withdrawls over the years that it has taken his confiddence and hope. He means well, but since he is an addict, having all day computer access on campus has been a huge temptation. We pay for his flip phone, he has a nook and our family lap top is locked in the safe, unless I am in full view and he is doing his homework. Screens, even iphones and nooks should not be allowed in their bedrooms. Even with these rules he games while at school, which this Spring resulted in an F in Spanish, B in Calculus lll and Withdraw in English. I should have thrown him out becuae of poor grades, but I didn't thefore the consequence has been a graduation that has been out of reach for all of these years. For all of you with minor children the sooner you deal with the addiction the better. Sucess stories are few, but definitely possible, if you stick to the "my house my rules". Not worth the headache trying to use codes, etc, because many know how to break them. Get rid of the stationary computer, instead use a lap top and lock it in the safe, have the keys with you always. Most therapists do not believe in computer addiction, they waste your time, energy and are often used againist you. There is a computer addiction center in California and Washington state, sending best wishes your way...
I don't know how things are going now, but I suspect not well. It is never ever a good idea to let an actively gaming addict start college. Total waste of money. A kid who is hacking around controls is still an actively gaming addict.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth