Hello,
My 11-year-old son has an addictive personality. He has had many addictions, including Pokemon cards, reading, crafts and drawing. He will nurse his addiction for 12 hours per day for a few months, then move on to the next thing. I have not seriously addressed this in the past because who minds if their kid crafts or reads for 12 hours? Usually he ends up getting bored and moving to the next thing. This actually DID happen with a war game that I disapproved of. I waited it out and he grew bored of it. Whew! He switched to a game that's actually educational and creative, BUT he is addicted to electronics and gaming in general, to the point where sleep, hygiene, chores, eating and other hobbies are being more neglected than ever.
He is saying he hates his life, he is always in trouble and always getting yelled at. He seems totally unable to handle any reprimand or consequence and says he feels unwanted and miserable. He says games are his only escape. His teachers say he is in trouble now and then for being snarky but overall he is a good student and not in trouble to an abnormal degree. I am getting tired of his back talk and not doing chores and I do snap at him, but his reactions seem way over the top. I feel like his entire demeanor, mood and coping mechanisms have deteriorated. This morning he told me to "be quiet" and I said no electronics today. He begged, screamed, yelled, cried, turned red, pulled his hair, said he hated me and his life and is going to kill himself. I am far more worried about his complete inability to deal with ONE afternoon/evening without electronics than I even am about him playing too much. To me, THIS reaction signals the severity of this problem.
I am very torn. He is generally a good boy and I don't want him to feel completely punished and persecuted if I pull "the one thing that brings him joy," but also, as mentioned, he is very addictive, always has some addiction and has trouble with self regulation. I feel like the best skills I can give HIM personally for life on his own, is to teach him to do what he enjoys for x amount of time and then move on. Although video games are a worse addiction than reading or crafting, if he skips college classes to read a novel all day, he will still have a seriously difficult time functioning in the adult world. Plus, what if he moves on to drugs or alcohol, or sex or race car driving? I feel like I need to get him some very intensive help in self moderation. If it were just limited to technology or a couple of areas, I'd think abstinence, but I'm most worried about the self regulation overall.
However, I'm seeking input.. advise.... thoughts... hearing about your experiences. I am open to any and all ideas on how to handle this.
Thank you!
MnDMom
So sorry you are having trouble, but at least you have the opportunity to deal with it while he's young and you're still in control. My first thought was whether or not the type of game your son is playing has changed. Mine was always bored with games after a period of time but he was completely overtaken by his first MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). All you need for many of them is online access and a computer, XBox, etc.
As for moderation and regulation. You can moderate something you're not addicted to. I can moderate the number of hours I spend watching television, but I sure can't moderate cigarette smoking. In that regard, it's cold turkey or nothing. The thing about gaming addiction is that the response to removal is pretty much the same as the response to removal/prohibition of drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Until the mind is clear again, it's common to be angry, depressed, anti-social, etc. But almost to a fault, every person here who has hung in there long enough will tell you that they begin to feel better.
Your son is too young to directly feel the consequences on health, school/work, housing, etc. I would definitely consider counseling for your son and for your family.
Hi and welcome to OLGA,
I am the mom of an almost 18 year old excessive gamer. I've had many of the experiences you write about. I'm sorry you have to go through the pain and frustraton that results from a child becoming overly focused or addicted to online gaming (or anything) that causes strain on loving relationships. Many of us moms here on this site are in the same boat as you. You're definitely not alone in this.
I agree with Wow Parent. Counseling would be the first step. I suggest you interview a number of counselors before you bring your son in. You'll need to be sure they support your belief that online gaming can become a serious addiciton and that your son's behavior is an indication that he needs very specific help in this area. Also, consider any underlying issues (as you have already with the addictive personality and self-regulation). Does he have a learning disorder that may help explain (but not excuse) his behavior? Is there something about his life that he desires to escape? (I think we all want to escape something). Personally, these are some key areas I feel our therapists failed to address early on. Also, they would tend to see the "nice boy" in sessions and not consider the unpleasant occurances at home. It's important to find a counselor you trust.
Also, I've read Cyber Junkie by Kevin Roberts, Hooked on Games by Andrew Doan and Video Games and Your Kids: How Parents Stay in Control, by Hilarie Cash. All have provided tremendous insight. Reading the posts on this sight has been extremely enlightening, in addition to the Parent Chat Meeting, on Thursday nights. I hope you can join us.
Hang in there and I hope you can get your son and family the needed help soon.
MnDmom, I can totally relate to the "my son has an addictive personality" (he is 15 at present). I have always felt that about my stepson. It is as if he does not want to be in the "real world" and is always trying to escape. Are you separated from your husband? Apparently the divorce caused my stepson a lot of trauma, that we were totally unaware of, until he began to talk about it recently. It is good that you are taking on this issue at such as young age. My caveat to you is--electronics are different. They seem to be highly addictive to some developing young men. And this addiction can cause real personality changes and problems in life. Heck, I was "addicted" to reading, crafting, whatever--I was consumed by it, but it didn't hurt me. I would seriously consider removing electronic devices if I was you. But be sure and educate yourself on the possible consequences beforehand. Counseling with the right person (as Mommy3 explains) sounds like a good idea also. I wish I had had the ability to just chuck that gameboy out the window, so many years ago...
"But if I ran the zoo," / Said young Gerald McGrew, "I'd make a few changes. / That's just what I'd do..."
Dr. Seuss
Hello MnDmom and welcome. I have a 17 year old son who I believe is addicted to gaming, although of course he disagrees. I am in the process of trying to get counselling for him at the moment. I have spoken to him about why he plays so much and told him I believe it is because he is running away from his life and problems. He accepts that he has other problems, but he sees gaming as a solution and something he is good at. He doesn't see the negative effects that gaming is having on his life, poor grades, hygiene, not going to school, withdrawing from society etc. I don't have any answers, but happy to talk and share with you. I am finding it really difficult to cope some days, and some days I feel stronger, I don't know anyone else, apart from my immediate family who is going through this, so this site is really helpful.
I hope you get the help and support you need.
My grandson is 17. He spends all his time playing trumpet (he's in a high school jazz band), skiing (in winter), surfing (in summer), and cross-country running (which he can't do right now as he's injured his ankle and broke his toe).
Are any of those addictions? no. I do not think that spending hours on art, crafts, music, reading, playing music, or sports are addictions. If we didn't have people absorbed in these activities we wouldn't have Mozart, Beethoven, Monet, Manet, Yoyo Ma, etc., or anyone else who has spent thousands of hours in dedication to their activities. We don't get good at something without spending time on it.
My husband, the artist, tells me that an excellent painter is someone who has worked on "miles" of canvas.
I think addictions, in my own case, are totally different than other activities which take time to accomplish excellence. All the activities listed above "feed" us. They nurture us, help us grow, complete us, define us in a positive way.
Addictions, on the other hand, deplete us. Time isn't even a factor at first. Time becomes an issue later on in the disease of addiction.
To me an 11 year old often gets bored of activities; they are young and experiencing life. Who knows what anyone will pick as their passion for adulthood. As a kid I loved music, had a guitar and wrote music. I loved it and lived it. That was not an addiction. I went to school, had friends, and got mostly A's with a couple of annoying B's.
Unfortunately, kids today are immersed in a generatin of gamers. No one knew that these activities would be detrimental. I thought of them, at first, as positive things to do: teaching us socialization, task solving, etc. I was wrong. It did none of those things.
But kids growing up now are friends with many gamers. This is a new addiction, so instead of going to school with students who smoke or drink heavily, all their buddies are gaming. It's not their fault they get caught in gaming addiction. Gaming is a choice which is valued and considered educational by schools, medical community, the media, society.
This website is for addicted gamers and families/friends of addicted gamers, and is the first wave people experiencing the results of gaming addiction which no one knew about. I sure didnt.
I don't like calling everything one does as an addiction. This tends to dilute the real meaning of addiction. People get into gaming because overall society supports it and is popular. No one knows the real consequences. No kid would, not even adults. And I hear that the senior population are becoming fast supporters of gaming, as it's great to do when older in life and less able to get around.
Anyway, back to addiction. I got started gaming at the advice of a doctor and at the recommendation of an article on using games as a way to combat the horrendous side effects of chemo symptoms. I didn't become addicted to games until I got into my first MMORPG.
Was I running away from life? not really. I was coping with life. But it was recommended!
Anyway. Since your son is only 11 and you feel gaming is a negative aspect in his life, then take it away. He'll kick and scream for a bit, but you could supplant it with something truly awesome like hiking or camping, which the whole family could do.
He doesn't sound addicted to anything, to me. Just a normal 11 year old wanting to know what life is like. Gaming may become a problem, so take it away, but give him other things to do that are interesting; and if possible do them with him or encourage him to do these things with others, like joining a hiking club, or find a mountain climbing club, or something. Boys that age need interests. I think. In my opinion.
I don't know about counseling ... I've always wanted to take on real things, but circumstances and myself limited my own possibilities. The tricky part is, although everyone wants to challenge themselves, they actually need support to believe in themselves, to be open minded, and to keep going at it. I guess that's a part of being a parent, to believe that both successes and failures are inescapable aspects of life and become a role model in that regard.
My two cents is to convince him to do something difficult and keep him going at it. It must be so difficult that neither you or himself at one point or another believes it's even do-able. What if you both were to end up failing so miserably that there isn't even the slightest hope of salvaging the situation? That's even better, because then you get to teach him to have a sense of humor, which is probably as important as overcoming whatever obstacles. It's important to try despite the potential of pains, because sometimes in life, we only have one card left to play, and that is the simplest yet hardest and the most important card to play, although least desirable. By the way, it will never be the Joker because we can't play God, haha.