Hello. I'm here because 2 weeks ago, I discovered that my nearly 17 year old son had used my credit card to charge games/gaming stuff. He had my permission to use it for a handful of charges. After digging about, we discovered that he has charged about $4,400 over the past 4 years. He has lied, been manipulative and obviously stolen money from me.
I knew he loved gaming, and I thought it might be a problem. Now I KNOW he's addicted. My son has been in counseling ever since he was 8 years old and talking of suicide. In the intervening years, his father went crazy - literally- pscychotic and it ended badly. I did my best to help him, but it was like trying to stop a trainwreck. I kept begging the doctors for help. We reached a level where it became unsafe to have my husband in the house, so I got a restraining order. A month later, he killed himself.
My son's counselor kept telling me to let him game. It has been an escape for him; something positive in his life. A little over a year ago, my husband's brother killed himself in the same way that my husband did. I know having both of these men seemingly leave our lives is horrible for my son. I try to explain how ill they both were. I try to give examples of how I know both of them loved us dearly. But he is a child still and may feel abandoned by both of them.
I am fortunate to have a man in my life now who cares for my son like his own. Together we have removed the Xbox and all other computer privileges. We have set up a repayment plan. Son is now doing chores 4 hours per day in order to repay the debt. (School starts next week.) He has to turn all money he gains through gifts and his part-time job to me until he repays $1100. Then he may keep 25% of what he earns. I have not asked him to sell his Xbox. I am waiting for him to decide to do that. Son had broken his cell phone about 9 months ago. I was waiting for him to earn the money to buy a new one, so I did cancel his phone.
His step-father and I had a meeting a few days ago with son's counselor. We filled him in on the theft and the decisions we had made. He will see son later this month. Mostly we were all on the same page except that the counselor did not seem to agree with me that son has an addiction issue. For clarification, this is a new therapist who is helping son with anger issues -not the same one he saw when younger who encouraged gaming. In light of the fact that both his father and his uncle had life-long addiction issues, this is the piece that worries me the most.
Son is, at present, not speaking to anyone, doing the chores and moping about some. There have been no violent outbursts. He has acted on several occasions as if he were going to runaway, but he has not. He is deathly afraid of bugs, so that works in our favor.
Thanks for listening.
Welcome purple permelia
I'm glad you found us. Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sorry to hear about your family losses, but glad that your partner is supportive of you and your son.
17 years is such a hard age for any child to be; but your son's experiences have made it even harder for him. I think that because he has the support of you and your partner that he has the best chance to make good. Sometimes you just don't know what they are thinking; but all you can do is show fairness and consistency and love. Sometimes that has to be tough love too.
Other parents have also reported that advice from therapists can be inconsistant with what the parent knows instinctively is wrong. This can be because of the therapist ignorance of gaming addiction, or their personal opinion. Chose your therapist carefully; someone who has experience with addictions will be best.
You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. My son, 23, would not seean addiction therapist because he is in denial of addiction. But he chose a psychologist himself to try to address his social anxiety and prove that we were 'wrong' about his addiction. I made sure by informing the therapist about our stance and he did not make an issue out of it. I do not feel that the therapist undermined our point of view. The therapist just wanted my son to take responsibility for his life...which ultimately is what we want him to do too.
Addiction does not happen in a vacuum; there are many factors that support addictive behaviour. The addiction is the escape. They need healthy alternatives. While they live with us, we can force them to stop their addicition and can introduce them to a more healthy way of living; but we cannot cure their addiction, but we hope we will give them a better chance of coping on their own later.
While your son is under 18 you have more options open to you regarding treatment and schooling. So you may want to consider that before it's too late.
I like that you are getting your son to pay you back and that you have a consistant plan. He is not going to be happy about it but he is learning a good lesson.
I always recommend to parents that you keep coming back to read about the previous experiences of others. There is so much knowledge on this site that goes back for years; we are lucky that much of the hard work has been done by older moms.
I have linked some other posts for starters, but there is so much more that will inspire you help you understand about gaming compulsion
All the best to you xx
Members Stories: http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-parents-gamers/members-stories
Guidelines under 18's
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-parents-gamers-open-forum/help-i-think-my-minor-child-addicted-video-games
Guidelines over 18's
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-parents-gamers-open-forum/help-i-think-my-adult-child-addicted-video-games
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Thanks, Polga. This relatively new therapist is very grounded and wants son to take responsibility in his life. I was very proud of my son for BEGGING me to find him an anger management therapist. He has had multiple violent outbursts over the years and over the past few months those have diminished. Interestingly, he has not been violent over this current issue. That's definitely progress!
The therapist from the past felt sorry for my son due to all the life circumstances and was not holding him responsible for his own actions. Son basically got a sympathetic ear. Everyone has something difficult in their life to deal with; no one is immune to heartache and pain. We all have to find healthy ways to cope and keep pushing forward.
When my son was very young, his behavior led me to a different parent board which I found to be incredibly helpful. The parents who have been there before are the best source of information and advice. I look forward to learning more.
That sounds like very encouraging progress especially as your son wanted help.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Welcome to Olganon Purple! It looks like you are doing all the right things. Come to our online parents' meeting this Thursday night at 9 PM EDT in the Olganon meeting chatroom. Hope to see you there.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth