After watching her text him for hours last night, over and over again, I snooped this morning, couldn't help myself. Let's just say I didn't like what I saw : (
What should I do? Confront her? Confront him? Just let it go? I'm shaking right now, all my fears are coming true. I know it's not "real", just a symbol in a much bigger picture, but it's wrong!
—
"If the idea of love seems to leave out too much of the mystery and too little room for miracles, perhaps you're failing to see the obvious - miracles are all around us."
I'm sorry you have to go through this...I did the same thing with my husbands text messages...I was totally devastated.....I choose to confront him....I want him to know I know...that this is not a big lie/secret....anymore...and that he can't just get away with sneaking around it....it's not a good feeling...you get the knot in your stomach...the shakes...feel nauseated...it's horrific...I'm so sorry you are dealing with this..
That is where you are wrong, it IS real. Just because it is in text or in an online game doesn't make it any less real.
It doesn't have to be physical to be real.
By withdrawing her love and attention from you and pouring it out to somebody else is what matters. Some might say this kind of cheating is WORSE since it is her heart and mind that are involved not some cheap physical fling which may have little meaning...
What ever you decide to do about this and I don't beleive there is really and "good" answer here, make sure the kids are elsewhere when you do.
I am SO sorry this happened to you
" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
.
Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"
Just a quick note to echo the above poster: It is very real.
An emotional affair is just a significant as a physical one. An affair is an affair. That is non-negotiable for us married folk.
I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you to face, but it is your reality right now.
You have some difficult choices to make, friend. I do not envy your situation one but, however; please know that we are all here to listen to you and help you every step of the way.
That being said: The decision about how to next proceed is in YOUR hands. Certainly give it some thought, but follow your heart while also recognizing the needs of your precious children.
Thinking of you,
Solei
-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-
Dear gratefuldad,
I am sorry for your pain and betrayal.
A question that comes to my mind is this: Does she utterly trust you (and thus leave her phone around with compromising texts,) or do you think that she wants you to look at those texts, maybe even subconsciously?)
Former video gamers who "got to know" and texted other video gamers, I am wondering:
Do you still really consider those relationships 'real?' What about the video gamers who dropped you like a hot potato once you left the game, or for whatever other reason? Do you still think of those relationships as 'real?'
Please see this link to part IV of the YouTube video of the BBC documentary "Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love" (warning, there are a couple of few seconds long clips of Second Life avatars) in which an American wife and mother of two young children flies to London to open the Pandora's box that "most people wouldn't dare open," and finally meet her online "lover." They immediately and nervously self-medicate with cigarettes and he then takes her on an obligatory tour of London on a tourist bus and for a picnic, obviously uncomfortable and bored. It is clear to me that their relationship is NOT real.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFKHpDPIf8M&feature
gratefuldad, you cannot know for sure how 'real' your wife's relationship is... but I think that if you are in a serious real life relationship or are married and the online relationship is romantic or sexual -I think you would say that the online 'relationship' is definitely cheating. At least, I would say that.
I think that there are a lot of video gamers in online romantic and sexual relationships that justify them by saying that they are NOT really real and so they are NOT really cheating!
I think that different people have different concepts of fidelity boundaries. I remember hearing about a man whose wife was cool with his sexual liaisons with men as long as they were virtual...
gratefuldad, you haven't given us an idea of what was so devastating...but it is clear that you feel that your wife is cheating. I am sorry.
Serena
P.S. I don't know if I would let her know that you snooped. I know it would be a challenge for you to hold the knowledge in, but I say think it all over very carefully before you decide what to do.
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez
Serena,
It's a catch 22 - it's real, but it's not real. It's not like she's going to run across the country with a 19 year old kid. It's difficult, because in my eyes, yes, it's cheating. Our problems run much deeper than the addiction and her "friend". Talking to a good friend of mine last night, who is also a therapist, we both agreed that these activities are her coping method. When I belittle these things, I'm putting her down and pushing her farther away. All the things that used to be "normal" in her life have been put on hold as she struggles internally. She's crying out in her own way - her needs as an individual are not being met and some changes need to happen. Hard to swallow, and difficult for me, as my needs have been put on hold as well.
Letting her know I snooped would push her farther away, so I don't think it's a good idea. I basically got her to tell me anyway - probably not a productive fight, or maybe it was. Me invading her space, breaks our bond of trust and makes me out to be a watchdog father figure as opposed to a loving supportive husband.
I cannot do anything to fix her, only myself. As hard as it is, I can only love her and support her through this horrible time. If she was truly done with us, she would have left by now, even though she doesn't want to uproot the kids - or she would have had me removed from the house. There are many many factors that have led us to where we are now, I can look at those things rationally, she cannot at this point. Time to take care of myself, the outcome is up in the air, but I have hope.
"If the idea of love seems to leave out too much of the mystery and too little room for miracles, perhaps you're failing to see the obvious - miracles are all around us."
iv been down this road, as far as im concerned, cheating is cheating, if shes going to cheat with a game nobody, shell do it most likely in real life, you need to confront her. She will tell you that you dont trust her, that you control her, etc. Your not the bad guy, you did it because you had to, and most of the time, they want you to. She may have wanted to be caught, i dont know, but a confrontation is the only way to end or resolve it. I dont know what game it is, probably one of the bigger ones, but this is all too common, be strong you can do it.
All I hear from her is me me me me me, and all I hear from you is her her her her her her. What about you you you you you?
You say that you are invading her space and privacy, your married and in a relationship where she constantly lies and is cheating on you. At this point I don't think personal space and privacy has anything to do with your situation. You don't enable and cheating and addict by giving them space to lie and cheat more. You tell them how it is and then if they can't change you leave and start your life over, good with somebody whom really loves and respects you.
Dear gratefuldad,
There is one thing that could possibly help her on a lot of fronts. And probably help the kids, too. Remember you said that she got a college degree recently, in the last couple of years? Then started gaming and her online business in Second Life? Well, a real life job would probably affect her self image, your children, her depression, etc. and get her back into the real world.
Financially it would probably be a wash because of babysitting costs, gas, etc. You haven't said how old the kids are? Since you said the kids are home schooled, I am wondering: is it healthier for them to have their video-gaming-for-hours mother as their main role model rather than a teacher? To have you and your wife as almost their sole role models along with their relationship to you two as their laboratory for how to interact socially, rather than their peers at a school?
How often do they get out to do sports or extracurricular activities in their particular home school program? My niece home schools her two young daughters and she takes them out weekly for structured activities with other home schooled children in her area. Does your wife do that?
I suppose it would be hard to get her off the computer long enough to ever consider a job in the real world. I have not forgotton that you are dealing with a spouse with an irrational emotional attachment that is in the midst of a major Second Life addiction. I think most normal marriage expectations are off when you are dealing with a serious video game addiction. The normal activities of conversations about real world subjects (with interest,) sex, cooking, cleaning, shopping, attentive child care, etc., are not a priority with a seriously addicted video gamer, are they? Aren't a lot of normal things kind of on the back burner? Reality is a fantasy to her, after all.
I just found myself thinking how therapeutic a job can be. And there are no chemically generated side affects! I suppose both parents working outside the home can be especially complicated, though, depending on the age of the children...
Serena
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez
Serena, you might have me confused with someone else - no college degree recnetly and her game of choice is WoW, not second life. In any case... bingo on the job idea - and she has recently mentioned it herself. Now I'm not sure if she realizes this would be good for our family as a whole, or if she's thinking it's what she will have to do if she ultimately forces me to leave. If I'm still in the picture this would help out on all fronts - she'd be out of the house regaining her own identity, interracting with other adults, and making her own money, this money would also in turn help the family and keep us from struggling frome paycheck to paycheck like we have for years on my income alone - additionally, I would no longer be in "control" of all the money, I wouldn't have to dole it out and say we only have X dollars left, having her own source of income could be very empowering for her, and yet another way for her to find her own identity again. The Identiy issue is probably one of the core problems in our scenario. She has lost all identity outside of the home, and I no longer have an identity due to my codependency.
"If the idea of love seems to leave out too much of the mystery and too little room for miracles, perhaps you're failing to see the obvious - miracles are all around us."
Sorry, for the mix up about a college degree and having the video game wrong, gratefuldad! I am glad that some of it is applicable though-and the children?
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez