Like a hypnotist's pendulum or hypnotic spiral when the subject's mind is focused on 3-D graphic scenery and moving images like avatars, it creates a hypnotic trance like state. Video game designer Erin Hoffman said it perfectly: "Addiction is not about what you DO, but what you DON'T DO because of the replacement of the addictive behavior." Leaving your mind open to the power of suggestion is their plan. Like gambling casinos in Las Vegas game creators use every trick they can to keep you focused and playing endlessly. Forget about school, work or being a productive member of society, play the game and forget about your family real life and friends, here you can become a lazy good for nothing deadbeat while making us rich! So sad :-(
Disappointment pain and tragedy in real life makes a person vulnerable to want to escape into a fantasy life. What's important to realize is that while under the influence of the hypnotic trance like euphoria state of these fantasy games with 3-D graphics scenery, moving avatars etc, we are positively reinforcing this fantasy in our subconscious minds. The result is fantasy soon becomes reality in our conscious minds. We program our conscious mind to believe in a fairytale that our unconscious mind wants to believe. Like the song 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' people always have a tendency to escape from reality wanting to see things through rose colored glasses. This reminds me of the Long Island Medium TV show with Teresa Caputo. The dead always seem to be saying so many positive and loving things about the living. This is why having a love affair in a fantasy game always ends up differently in real life because the fantasy is no longer there, welcome back to reality.
Like a hypnotist's pendulum or hypnotic spiral when the subject's mind is focused on 3-D graphic scenery and moving images like avatars, it creates a hypnotic trance like state.
CyberJesus,
I've never considered the hypnotic influence of games. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
hi. i am so glad to be part of this forum. out of sadness, i found myself googling "what to do with boyfriends addicted to COC" and it lead me here. i have been reading the thread and it has already relieved some of my burden right now. I am with a man who I love so dearly but who is, unfortunately, spending so much time playing clash of clans. we have been together for less than a year but i am working very hard to make our relationship last. we are both doctors, in our 30s, both under subspecialty fellowship training. right now, we are under so much stress, especially him, because of hospital work. we barely see each other even if we work in the same hospital. i completely understand the stress of training that is making our relationship shaky; what i cannot accept is that i always share our very few times together with clash of clans. everytime he has time to sit down and open his ipad or cellphone, i lose him. then, i just eat on my own do something else or sometimes just wait for the "war" to finish. at first, i just let him do this. it is very hard to be a doctor and he once told me that it is just his way to relieve stress. it makes him happy, i think, so i let him be. but it is really hurting me. i try to talk him out of this, in a very subtle way, but i dont think he understands. i even joke about buying a smaller tablet so i can tie it up my forehead so it may seem that i still have his attention while he is playing. we laugh it off but deep inside, i am so far from being really happy.
i understand, my situation is very different from most of the members of this forum. we are not married yet. we dont have kids. but what i share with all of you i think is that i really care about this person. this person makes me feel unwanted and unimportant. i am trying my best to understand him but most of the time, i just want to give up. i pray that this concern will reach the makers of this clash of clans and just destroy the game. i do not know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry to hear about your problem and sadness. You are certainly not alone in your situation.
There is also a welcome letter with general advice for significant others here
I found it most helpful to read the stories of other members on this site to realise what gaming addiction really means.
It sounds like you are treading on eggshells around him; trying to be subtle but it's not working. I think you are going to have to level with him about your feelings in a very direct way and what that means for your relationship. That information may fall on deaf ears but at least you would have been honest and then it's up to him to respond honestly
If there is no change then the only thing you can do is to detach about his choices and look after you; find support elsewhere. Maybe he will come around, but maybe he won't change. It's a gamble. How long will you wait for him to wake up? You will need to accept the reality of the situation and make the changes necessary to get the life you deserve.
I felt especially connected to your story. Let me tell you some of mine. My husband has depression/anger problems and claims that his gaming is his way to cope. That is why I enabled him for so long. But it has gotten out of hand and I no longer feel respected by him, where when we were first dating, I was way out of his league (in his own opinion) and he treated me like he was not worthy to be in my presence. You have to mourn for that man, because you may never get him back. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get that man back that I fell in love with. I don't even need to be treated like a queen anymore. I just don't want to be ignored or yelled at or placed as second priority behind a game. I want basic human respect from him. I no longer think of him as the loving, strong man I chose to protect my heart and share my life with forever, but as an annoying roommate who keeps me up late at night with his gaming, fights with me a lot, and doesn't consider my feelings. I'm so embarrassed by the way he treats me and by his addiction that I haven't turned to anyone for help. Except here. Right now I don't have the option to leave him, even if I did want to, but I'm still trying to decide that. I need to gain my independence first so that I have options (advice I received on this site) and then I'll decide if it's worth staying with him. I've been telling myself for years that I'm doing the right thing by not giving up on him and working on changing him. But like you said, the choice has to be his. He has to change himself. Will the choice be easier for him with or without you standing by his side? For my husband, I fear that he will only make the choice after I've gone. That will be his rude awakening. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sitting here balling my eyes out reading stories that sound all too familiar. I appreciate everyone and the stories and honesty. I can relate with the embarrassment of not wanting people to know, and the struggle to stay or go because vows were made for better or worse. I am the type of person with a servant's heart and I have been giving so much and have received little in return and I am dying inside. I love my husband, but I feel like the loneliest person when he is at home playing games. I see glimpses of what our relationship could be if games were not the center of his world and it gives me hope, although it's usually short lived. I am going through such turmoil on the inside. I feel sick and so desperately want to be able to do something, but reading all these stories has made me realize that I can't do anything for him, but only for myself. I guess I just feel guilty for spending that time and energy on myself. I don't know what to do about my guilt. I go back and forth from feeling empowered and as though I deserve better, to a victim, to feeling as though I may have done something to make him become addicted. I know it's not me, but it doesn't stop that thought from crossing my mind. I miss love, touch, conversations, cooking together, intimacy, dates, jokes, cuddling, kissing, and so many other important aspects of being married. I guess I'm grieving, but when someone dies at least people gather to give condolences; I don't have that kind of support. I don't have or know of anyone in my life (until this forum) who is struggling as much as I am, and just hate feeling trapped and alone. Lord help me have strength. Thank you.
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Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3
I understand where your coming from. Only my husband does not work. I just recently decided to stay home with the new baby and work from home. I am spending all my time to get hired to a work from home job, take care of a 4 year old and newborn, and all the other responsibilities of the home as well. Our yard got real bad and etc. Our house is messy and chaotic too and that is also my husband's excure to escape us.
My beautiful wife has 7 COK accounts, plays the game when she wakes everyday, takes children to school, then when she returns home after taking children to school to sign on and plays the game until time to pick up the kids....she has an online parttime job and she plays the game while working (inbetween tasks). When I come home from work she is playing the game and "working". She will take a break to eat dinner, but is shortly back to playing the game and working and does not get off the game until she goes to bed and that is usually around 2 in the morning. I feel like she is no longer interested in me or our family. I have told her what she is doing is crushing me, but that has had little effect and from reading other post probably wont. I know now she is addicted to COK....I am miserable. The other night in bed I rolled over to just hug her and told her I love you so much....she let me lay on her chest while she played COK on her tablet above my head.....I have asked her to come spend time with me to watch a movie after the children have gone to bed and she does...with tablet in hand....I then asked her to not bring tablet next time so now she doesn't come at all again. I love my wife....but she isn't my wife anymore.....I am lost, this has all transpired over the last 6-7 months. She is chatting within the game and she has also created a KIK account for the alliances she is a part of so she can chat some more......I am tired...afraid....hurt and crushed by her actions....Wish and hope for a quick end to this as I will not allow this to continue
I seem to be losing, or may have already lost, my wife of 15 years to Final Fantasy XIV (FFXIV). If she is awake, that is what she is doing, with headphones on, talking on Discord Chat with her FC (Free Company, like a guild or team) friends, and even continues to do so those few times she gets up from in front of her computer. The only reason she leaves the house is to drive our daughter to/from school and to drive kids to/from various appointments while I'm at work. She gets up, logs in asap, and remains on until any where from 1 to 3 AM, and occasionally, not at all, an all-nighter. She completely ignores me and the 3 kids we have here, yet laughs, talks, and has a great time with her FC. She is now chatting outside of the game (text, FB messenger, etc) with a couple guys in her FC. I giver her a hug, from behind, kiss the top of her head and she acts like I'm not even there. She literally does NOTHING else. She was supposed to bring a camper down to her parents (5 hours away) and help her mom with something this weekend, but has cancelled because 2 players characters are getting married in-game and she doesn't want to miss it and doesn't trust her laptop to not crash. So she's blowing off her mom now too for this.
Things are bad, she is no longer wearing her ring, she will not say "I love you" back to me, and has made mention of divorce. She has been playing like this since January. Yesterday I had to leave work early to go puck up my daughter at school because she needed "a mental break" from the kids. Coincidentally the night before she was installing a new update to the game.
She is ruining her life and ours and doesn't even see it.
How do I help if she doesn't even see that there is a problem and probably doesn't care if there is? Do I just have to wait until she does?
Has anyone had a happy ending to a story like this?
You need to radically change the way you deal with her; this may include trying a family intervention to get her to take notice, or by you stopping enabling and completely detaching with love.
Hi, I'm new here. Just disovered this was an actual thing. My husband, married in Oct. of 2019, is addicted to gaming, I think. Or at the very least, he plays excessively. He mostly works from home now, not because of the pandemic, but because of this new job he has. And now that I am home too, I'm a teacher, I see how much he plays. He will start his xbox as soon as he wakes up (about 10:00) and will be in his "gaming room" from that moment until about 2 or 3 AM. This is every day. Now I know we can't go out and do much right now, but this isn't anything new. He will also talk to his friends almost that entire time on xbox too. I will go in and sit with him sometimes, but he mostly doens't pay any attention to me. He will come out of there on the weekend to watch a movie with me, but I have to beg. He does come to dinner at the dining room table, but there has been many times where I told him dinner was ready and by the time he came in, I was already done eating. It gets very lonely. He will go and do things with me SOMETIMES, but even when he does, he is playing a video game on his PHONE! He plays while he works, while we're talking, while we're watching a movie, in the car, at his parents house, anywhere we go.. if he's not on his xbox, hes playing a game on his phone. I don't know what to do, I knew he played games when I married him, but it's destroying our marraige, at least on my side. We've talked about it before and he says he will never stop playing video games.
Hi, I'm new here. Just disovered this was an actual thing. My husband, married in Oct. of 2019, is addicted to gaming, I think. Or at the very least, he plays excessively. He mostly works from home now, not because of the pandemic, but because of this new job he has. And now that I am home too, I'm a teacher, I see how much he plays. He will start his xbox as soon as he wakes up (about 10:00) and will be in his "gaming room" from that moment until about 2 or 3 AM. This is every day. Now I know we can't go out and do much right now, but this isn't anything new. He will also talk to his friends almost that entire time on xbox too. I will go in and sit with him sometimes, but he mostly doens't pay any attention to me. He will come out of there on the weekend to watch a movie with me, but I have to beg. He does come to dinner at the dining room table, but there has been many times where I told him dinner was ready and by the time he came in, I was already done eating. It gets very lonely. He will go and do things with me SOMETIMES, but even when he does, he is playing a video game on his PHONE! He plays while he works, while we're talking, while we're watching a movie, in the car, at his parents house, anywhere we go.. if he's not on his xbox, hes playing a game on his phone. I don't know what to do, I knew he played games when I married him, but it's destroying our marraige, at least on my side. We've talked about it before and he says he will never stop playing video games.
Thank you for signing up and for having the courage to post about your new marriage and how his video gaming is affecting your relationship. It has to be a bit depressing knowing that you JUST got married to someone and he is already living in an alternate universe in la la land.
You are not alone. This website has been wonderful for me and I hope will also be a support for you. It just helps knowing that we aren't alone in this and that there are ways of dealing with it. It sucks. It's difficult. But we can cope.
I think the first step, and let other correct me if I'm wrong, is to take care of yourself. Bottom line.
Other things you can do being that you are newlyweds and have just started to address his gaming addiction is to see how many signs/symptoms he is having. This page is helpful:
https://www.olganon.org/spouses_of_excessive_gamers
As well as this list:
https://www.olganon.org/self_tests_on_gaming_addiction
That was helpful for me to really understand that yes, my husband has an addiction. They do a really good job of placing blame on us for what they like to do, or convincing us that it's "not a problem, just something I like to do for fun. It's my hobby."
Other suggestions on this website that you can explore would be to keep a log of when he is playing. No, he might not be to the point where he can admit it's a problem and definitely not to the point where he can say that he can ever stop gaming. BUT!!! You can set boundaries with him. Say look, I am not asking you to give it up entirely, I am asking you to better balance your time and include me into your plans. Tell him that you are feeling isolated and alone when he gets online. Set curfews or times/days where he can play. This isn't about negotiating, it's about setting boundaries so that he respects you. Hopefully you are early enough in your marriage where he still has respect for you. Right now, he is taking advantage of you. You want to be a kind, caring, and respectful wife and let him enjoy things. Well, you can do that, and also get some love and respect from him, if he is capable of it.
Other things you can do include starting counseling individually, and for both of you. Definitely individual if he refuses to go to couples counseling. You can also write an intervention letter stating what the terms and conditions will be if he does not respect your boundaries. This looks different for every couple.
I am sorry for how alone you feel. Keep coming back to this website, and don't forget he has a gaming addiction. I pushed my husband's behaviors under the rug and went back and forth on whether or not it was an "addiction" .I finally realized it after he had lost complete respect for me and had given his mind away to the games.
Hi Im E. My fiance and I got engaged after a year. That first year was incredible we were always active trying new things playing sports together and having fun. He gamed from time to time but was still dedicated to time together. Once we moved in together for the past 2 years its been a downward spiral. He games anywhere from 5-12 hours a day. He doesnt exercise or enjoy the activities we used to. When I invite him out with friends he would prefer to stay home. When we go on trips to visit family brings his console. His sex drive has gone down and even if we are intimate he goes right back to gaming after. Huge turn off. I feel very lonely and looking for attention anywhere else. Ive spoken with him about this and been very honest, he doesnt change and if he does spend time with me he behaves like its a huge chore. He moans and groans about anything that isnt his video game time. His friend group is all avid gamers but he is definitely on more then any of them combined. Ive thought about leaving my relationship. His attitude toward me since this gaming obsession has changed and he doesnt not treat me very well now, trying to get his attention or affection is near to impossible. My heart breaks for the man he could be if he has control of his gaming. But I am terrified to marry him I do not want to have kids with someone who has no time for us. I am terrified to move forward with him.
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are coming to a decision about what you need to do but it is not easy to leave someone you have had good times with and care for. This addiction sucks because it ruins good relationships.
It takes a really big shock for gamers to wake up. Focus on you and life you deserve. i hope you find the resources for spouses linked in my signature useful.
Hi all! I just found this and I’m so glad! Reading through is like reading about my life and marriage. I’m so glad I’m not alone and I’m not crazy!
A little bit about me. I’ve been married 6 years. A mom of two... maybe it’s three now, I just miscarried a couple weeks ago and am not handling it well, (5 yr girl and 2 yr boy). I’m a homemaker, photographer and yoga instructor. Full of faith, love reading my Bible and meditating.
My husband hardly ever played video games when we were dating or right after we got married. My mom actually got me an xbox360 our first Christmas together bc I love playing some games (especially halo). I grew up playing halo and others with my dad and brother and it was always fun, even when my brother was acting like poop. Well since then gamin has been a serious problem. He was always on. Either on the Xbox, then his phone. Then he was staying up super late to game and too tired to help me with the kids. He started having a bad temper and no patience with our daughter, who was just a baby. After our son was born I caught him doing other things while he was staying up late gaming (porn), while I was upstairs breastfeeding our boy and trying to get some sleep. I was goin to leave, he convinced me to stay and didn’t play any games for a year.
well last year he started playing again and I was actually worrying that he was having and emotional affair bc he was just not present at all. There was no emotional support or connection and he had no desire for one. We only went on two dates last year and one was our anniversary. I tried to set up others, but there was always a reason it wouldn’t work out for him. I finally told him this year that I couldnt keep pouring out for him with nothing. That I had nothing left to give him. He also started streaming his games online last year and so he has a schedule he “has to well for his followers.” And now he’s joined a league for his game. So that means tournaments. He was only playing some nights after the kids went to bed but now he’s playing every chance he gets throughout the day even if it’s only for 30 min. I constantly “catch” him playing. And he’s playing most nights now, even when he’s not streaming. He hardly ever comes to bed with me anymore, which is really hard right now bc I’m having constant nightmares since the miscarriage about our kids dying, and he knows this, but still won’t stay with me at all. And when he’s not gaming he’s either on his discoed, watching gaming videos or talking about it. If I try to talk to him about something else he spaces out and doesn’t listen.
Weve fought about it and, of course, his gaming is only causing problems in our relationship bc I have a problem with it. Other wives let their husbands play and I shouldn’t have a problem with him doing something that he likes.
Today, after looking at the stuff on this site I talked to him about being addicted. He was of course mad and blamed me and kept trying to turn things around. He ended up going through his stuff and saying he was going to stop to make me happy. The anger and resentment in that sentence was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I told him that addiction doesn’t work that way. That it’s something he needs to do for himself and his relationships and his health. He just told me that he’s only giving it up to make me happy until he finds something else that he likes that I make him give up.
I don’t know what to do. He refuses help and counseling but I’m going to start. Even before finding this site I had decided that I needed to have the mindset of a single parent and just take care of myself and the kids. My husband and I are basically distant roommates and the kids miss him. It’s sad and I’m so glad there’s this community for support. I’ve been at my wits end about it and wondering if I’m just a crazy, codependent, nagging wife who demands unreasonable things of her husband (what he says in a roundabout way) but now I see that it IS a problem! And other people are facing it to! I’m not crazy or alone! Thank you so much for everything you’re doing!
No you are not alone!!!!! what you shared is so similar to what I have gone through with my gaming addicted (and multiple substances, come to find out) husband. There are a couple things I wanted to share or comment on.
"And when he’s not gaming he’s either on his discord, watching gaming videos or talking about it. If I try to talk to him about something else he spaces out and doesn’t listen." Yep, yep, and yep. I couldn't get my husband to go to bed with me, and I was rarely home much last year because my dad was battling cancer and I was helping my parents physically, emotionally, and financially. When I was home and got back from dealing with all of that, he would say "oh im so sorry that sucks" then go right back to playing. makes me sick how much i put up with. we deserve so much better.
I about flipped when I read this sentence "He just told me that he’s only giving it up to make me happy until he finds something else that he likes that I make him give up. " I don't know what about addiction, or video game addiction in particular, turns our once-loving-caring husbands into emotionally abusive manipulative narcissists. get off the dang computer and comfort your wife who just miscarried YOUR CHILD. It is incredibly emotionaly abusive that he is not there for you during this time. Try not to make excuses for him. I did for mine because he tried to comfort me twice about my dad's cancer and I just couldn't fully confide in him becasue it felt so fake. Why tell me you are sad when you won't even offer to help? Or be willing to help? All the treatments were within 2 hours away and he has a perfectly working car. I still had to manage all of our finances, work a full time job, a part time job, and got to come home and clean the house! Even if your husband has comforted you once or twice, him choosing to stay up and game/stream/tournaments is not being there for you. You have told him how he can be there to help and he has not.
My husband would tell me "you just don't want me to have friends!" when i asked him to cut down on going to gaming tournaments (at one point, he was going to three different ones a week, which as you know takes up HOURS). He only works 3 days a week so that leaves me with one day to be with him, if it happened to be a day that I was off work. He slept through "breakfast dates" with me, yet would be up bright and early to go to video game tournaments to pick up his friends.... oh, by the way, the tournaments were in the same area that my dad was getting cancer treatment at. So, he was able to leave early, pack up, and be ready to go get them and drive hours, but couldn't do that for me while taking care of my sick dad?
Enough's enough, man. You are going through it all right now. Get your counselor and start making plans about what you want out of life. I know it seems like you know what you want right now, but until you get space from the abuser it's like whoa wait a second, I'm not crazy, I am a cool person, and I do want to go places and do things. I am deserving of other peoples' time. The depression gets to us and we start to internalize the rejection, even if we don't think we are.
If he is stopping playing just for you the addiction will turn to something else. Or Maybe he will do it behind your back, but like you said it's not going to get better unless HE wants to make changes. Even if he does quick cold turkey (like my husband did), he will still get fulfillment out of watching otehr people play and youtube videos, talking on disccord, etc. They can say they have given it up (the actual playing part) but until they make all the of the mental changes needed to fight addiction, it's the same.
Until that happens, you get the help you need and make a game plan on where you will go, what you will do, what you want out of life, for your kids' lives. sometimes they need to see that we aren't joking around.
Keep having faith - God is good and He will protect and provide for you. You can do all things through Him. Even what seems impossible right now.
OCheerUp I can’t even imagine going through all that! What did you end up doing? And how is your dad? I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much.
For me I gave my husband an ultimatum and he was really mad about it until I had bags packed, a place to go and one for out the door. Then he was ready to talk and agree to counseling and a gaming schedule. But I just got an email (both our emails are attached to my phone) to him for an online gaming platform that I guess he signed up for to play at work, but he’s only supposed to play for specific allotments of time, so he’s already broken our agreement and his promises. That was pretty fast.
Wow. I can't believe that. So hurtful. I know addiction makes them less in control, but it's still about choices and what is most important to them. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom in order to see that changes need to be made. You stand your ground :( I know it hurts
I'm not in relationships or anything (I'm on a reboot of gaming addiction [not much] and p*rn addiction [much], kinds of artificial stimulation) but when I see you mentioning "p*rn". I know that is a really big issue of your husband. The post which I have just shared having a couple of lesson of handling p*rn addiction as couple (This can be applied for gaming addiction as well, because they are still artificial stimulation in general).
Hope you stay strong! Corkee!!
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"No matter how painful, sad and bored this real life is, this one is the place where I born and have the most delicious meal. And it really exists - I can touch it, smell it and grab it"
I feels the same as everyone , here , I'm still going through the stages of grief , sometimes I try to be ok , with it , as sometimes he tried, when he does it's not much but means the world ,, , but weeks of being alone or months no sex ,, no time together , no convo unless I go to his gaining room where he has his head set on .
me being bare min , I end up exploding eventually , then he blames me ,I stayed here in NZ for him , I've done 4 visa for him my job and housing are all attached and he is My boss , I work harder than him too sometimes it feels like he has taken advantage of me working for him and I do everything I almost ended being off work for a break down from it, thankfully new management came in and changed that ,
it wasn't always this way , , I've built a life here , but I work evening shift, so I got to work and come home to sit alone , maybe it wouldn't even be as bad with a little time together without asking and effort and sex once a week , I think I could deal then .but sometimes we can go up to 10 weeks without sex he has turned me down so many time I've stopped trying completely, my confidence is shot ., men hit on me I'm not hideous, I would never do anything as stupidly he is all I want.
My family is another country, I'm so lonley it feels physically painfully Some days.it embarrassing to constantly do thing on your own .
I was sick a while back and he couldn't take me to the hospital because he was to tired from gaming , I had to have from car boosted from my neighbors husband because he was gaming .
I stupidly still love him i wish I didn't. I actually think he is a amazing sexy , intellegent human being .
Emotionally it doesn't feel healthy , and go between not feeling like I have a choice to hoping it will change ,, to being angry
Last night he lost his mind on me because I tried to tidy up the garbage in his gaming room and it was by the door he has let garbage and dishes built up for about 6 weeks in there , he yelled at me took my little pile of clothes and threw it ,then because he said the convo was done, it was supposed to be ....I joked and asked if he was Jesus, meaning who does he think he is , I asked for a apology for him being rude to me , then he tried to tell me he deserved a apology because he wasn't heard ,
I told him I'm never heard, I am last so I aplogiezed he was upset I touched his garbage , but I'm incredibly lonley and try my hardest to make him happy .I never got a apology.
I'm just venting .it doesn't really need a response we all feel it here and it sucks none of us signed up for this .I'm sorry for all of us . Feel free to message me if you wanna chat , as were all lonley .
I've been married to my husband going on 11 years and we have 2 boys. We have had an amazing relationship from the get go up to about 4 years ago when our family went through a tornado. Our boys were 3 and 6 months ago and we were displaced from our house for 10 months while it was being rebuilt. It was a very stressful time for both of us and even then I didn't know if we were gonna make it on the other end together. My husband started smoking again (had quit for 3 years) and was hiding it from me. Clearly that's not something you can hide very well, and I eventually found out and asked him about it. Of course, I ended up being the bad person because I just wouldn't understand. We ended getting over that hump, but like all marriages, there were still ups and downs. Things overall were much better once we were back into our home.
Since April of 2019, I've been dealing with my husband becomming more and more distant. He started playing Game of Thrones Conquest game around that time. He was constantly on his phone and up real late at night. About November of 2019, I came across some apple gift cards that were purchased through amazon. He had been hiding that he had been spending A LOT of money on this game. I've lost track of the total but at one time it was up to $4,000 just since last May. Just between May 2nd and May 4th of 2020, he spent $650. I have since stopped looking to see what he's spending. I told him that I knew how much money he had spent and he got mad at me! We have gotten into numerous arguments about how he's not been emotionally present and how he's just forget everything I say. He doesn't understand and says that he's trying to change and make me happy. He tells me that I'm not making changes for him. He says that I don't support him. I'm and the type of person who will do anything before doing something for myself. I have always put him and our 2 boys first.
I finally started going to counseling for myself back in February. After a few sessions, the therapist said that she would be interested in how often my husband played the game while at work. I got on the phone bill to see the data usage during the data to see if was a lot while he was at work. Well, what I found was something I was not prepared for. I came across some phone calls (made twice a day and 2-3 hours long for one of the calls per day). The calls were only Monday - Friday with one Saturday where my husband has went out for errands one day. I confronted him about the calls and he said he didn't make any calls or receive any calls. I later found out that he lied. It was a person from the game. There is a chat room on the game (Discord). After all this he still felt like he was doing nothing wrong. He continued to play at all hours of the day and night (would be up til 1-2 am). A couple more fights later where I voiced my same concerns of him putting the game before me, I discovered that he was receiving kissy face emojis on the chat (turns out it was the same person from the calls). Which proves my thought of an emotional affair.
I'm currently sitting in a hotel room letting him have space and figure out what he wants to do. I'm hoping he will wake up and realize what this game is destroying, but I have a gut feeling that he's going to willing to throw everything he's worked so hard to get for his family.
I am glad to find this place to have some support.
Big hugs to you. You have gone through such a lot recently. How you must be feeling right now I cannot imagine. You are at a critical point in where your reationship goes from here and he, with his game- damaged brain, holds the power. I am gutted for you and your little kids.
These games and the attachments they make can be very strong. i really hope that he gets a wake-up call and can see it as just a huge fantasy that is hurting people close to him.
Some of the things you said around him saying things like ' you don't make changes for him' sounds like kind of manipulation that we hear about on these forums that gamers are expert at it and use to justify themselves.
I am so glad you have a therapist you can trust, who is supporting you.
I hope you find these forums helpful. Our information for spouses is in my signature below. keep coming back. Take care
When I meet my husband 4 years ago I knew he was a gamer. That was his hobbie and he uses to play only during the weekends, even thought I never liked it and we had many fights about it I do try my best to understand it!
However the hobbie has become an addition like I've always feared. It's not only the weekends is during the weekdays too and even worse now that his working from home. Is affecting his work life and obviously ours too.. the worse thing is that not long ago he admitted that he was crossing the line however does nothing to improve. Soon after we had that conversation he stayed more than 20hours playing I'm not exaggerating and that while drinking alcohol and God knows what.. I wasn't home at the time but when I got home and saw that he was still playing after a day I lost my mind we had a huge fight and he told me to leave the house..
I'm completely lost, this never happened before to this extent, I really hope once he sleeps and wakes up and doesn't see me there he will come to his senses but gosh this is devastating! I've read so many posts and I really just need someone that understand me to talk!
Thank you!
smtwngal your comment although it was a long time ago has already helped me!! You have literally described my situation down to a T!
I don't know if you're still on here but I'd love to hear how things have worked out for you. I only joined a few hours ago and feel so lost about what my next move should be.
I'm finally posting after being on the site for a while. It has been one of the MAJOR sanity savers for me in the last year. I can relate to almost all the stories and the feelings of anger, resentment, confusion and lonely isolation. I'm finally in therapy and I've started Al-Anon meetings. The meetings and a personal focus on recovery has been another sanity saver.
I've been married over 20 years. No kids. In the last 5 years or so I started to notice the pattern of coming second to gaming, porn and who-knows-what. I've now discovered a multitude of addictions and behavior patterns that I thought were all in my head. I do struggle with how to address this and stay in my recovery. Every week I am confronted with some type of sneaky behavior, and an attitude from my partner that seems like a different person. It is gaslighting and manipulation (I finally see it even though I don't want it to be true of him). My controlling wants to scour his phone and computer but he keeps it immaculate and what good would that really do? He would just deny it or act like I am the crazy person. So I try to work the program when my mind wants to "go there."
I started keeping a journal about 4 years ago because I just couldn't believe the way I was being spoken to and the verbal abuse that was coming from my "best friend." I am working on detaching (with or without love) and a plan to be happy - with or without him. This will probably take some time. The behavioral addictions seem to be the most insidious. Months and months with no intimacy, manipulation and the roller coaster ride of eggshells to everything is fine, to blowup, silent treatment and on and on and on. I'm about done with this ride and as others have said I can almost accept whatever happens because I have felt so utterly alone for the last several years. I am also the sole earner and just feel like I'm being taken advantage of so he can continue to live a vampire life where I am in the periphery waiting like a dutiful spouse.
The crystal ball is a good analogy. I'm not sure I can truly be happy just being in the same house with someone who was supposed to be WITH me until the end.
All that is left now is to grieve and continue to realize that I am worth a hell of a lot more than the barest of bare minimums. You are all worth so much more as well. Thank you for the site and I hope to see more posts about how folks are doing. I wish you all the best and strength to continue doing what is best for you and your families.
That you for sharing your experience. I hear that you have been able to identify and grieve the truth of your situation and I am inspired by your actions and determination to respect your own being and search for recovery. My best wishes go to you and for your future.
My husband and I just got married in 2 months. I have known about his past game-addict since we were dating. His addition is on and off, there were times when he was very into and play games through the night, from 7pm to 8am the next day. His excuse back then was because he works night shift so he had to stay up to play games, then sleep until the evening and go to work. Then when he changed to a new job, he worked morning shifts so I saw him change a lot in terms of his gaming patterns. He plays here and there couple times a week for 1-2 hours a day or even less. But recently, especially after we got married, he has been very into Call of Duty again. He got to know one of his coworkers who is also a game-addict and they play together a whole day. Just a week ago, when he had 7 days off straight from work, he would spend the majority of his time off playing games. The majority here I meant is a whole day everyday. He's tired from working 12 hours night shift 6 days in a row, but instead of trying to sleep more, he would wake up at 6-7am in the morning in order to play games. He would play until lunch time, I make lunch while he plays game (I'm also the one who cook and he doesn't help me with cooking). Then he does help with washing dishes after eating then go straight to playing games again. Then eat dinner, wash dishes then play games until 12am. I kept asking him that how can his coworker has 2 kids but has that plenty of time to play games, and he got defensive and said I should not say bad things about his coworker. Whenever I try to have a conversation with him about his game addict, he gets very defensive. What he said would be "I'm not an addict, if I'm an addict, I would have played games much more, quit work and not going to the gym or want to do anything with you". And I ask him so playing games a whole day is not a game addict then I honestly do not understand what it is. Recently, he got back from work at 7am after his night shift and I had to leave immediately for work so we only met briefly. Then the next day, he accidentally told me that he played games before he slept because I wasn't home to control him. And also, whenever I talk about him playing games too much, he would say that I'm being toxic and controlling of him. He has never played games after going back from work before, but he just started to do it no matter how tired he was after work, he said it's a way for him to relax before sleeping and going to work again in the evening. I have trauma from my brother being a game-addict, and I have seen how his marriage did not go well because of that. But I'm unfortanately having to deal with it in own relationship. I love my husband, and we do plan to build a family, to have a baby soon, but we keep getting into argument because of his addiction. I honestly do not know how to solve our problems since it's very hard for me to communicate with him about this issue without getting into a huge fight. How do you deal with a game-addict who get defensive and always in a denial mode for their action?
Please look at the first aid kit for spouses linked in my signature below
The short answer is you cannot control his adddiction but you can stop enabling him
Also do not start a family with a gaming addict because the children will be sevely affected by his behaviour. " Why is dad ignoring me ... it must be because I don't matter to him ... I am not worthy "
I just found your website today. I read this post about the wife being angry and resentful by having to work at a job and then do everything at home as well while her hubs played games all the time. That was ME about 20 years ago. I got myself to the place where I could finally be a 'homemaker'. I am intelligent and could have worked my way up into a high position somewhere ( I did before I married my hubs) but I gave all hat up, because it is very true that YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ST HOME, Including vehicle maintenance! People look at me, wonder why I don't want to 'better' our lives by having a career... they need to walk a mile in my shoes. I have found my own peace with our marriage. I pray and wish that hubs will change but can't see it happening; he had been like this 25 years, ever since I met him. He is good to me, in his own way.
I am glad I found your website. It helps me feel ok about feelings that I have been guilty about.
Ok this is a long one... I'm pregnant and started working with a therapist to deal with the anxiety I was experiencing. I had first asked my husband to do couples counseling and he said he wasn't comfortable with it, so I chose to do it on my own. My therapist recently told me to look into Al Anon and to replace alcohol with gaming, but I found this site which feels more relatable.
I've been with my husband for 10 years and now we're having a baby. When we met, he spent a lot of time on his computer but in the beginning it was to work/code/build a business, which I saw as ambitious, inspiring, and attractive. Over the past few years, he stopped liking his job and career path. It seemed he stopped dreaming big like he used to and got into a rut. He turned to gaming and I have felt many times alone and overwhelmed with emotional labor.
He's gaming from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed (usually around 1am) with a few breaks just to eat and shower. His setup is in the common area/ living room and it drives me NUTS that I have to look at him doing it all day, but I'm reading it's better to stay there vs in a private room. If we have a family event or I ask him to do something with me, he will make it happen (I probably get about 1-2 days with him a month)... but sometimes he'll share his feelings of fomo of missing out on something in the game. If I could sum up my emotions over the last years, it feels like I am constantly pulling teeth to have him present and a partner in my marriage.
I freelance for my career, but I became sick in pregancy and could no longer make my own money, so I have prematurely fallen into the role of SAHM. My husband works from home and provides a great income, but his job is on a computer so he's able to be on his game all day with a separate computer and show up for meetings when needed.
Because I'm not bringing in money, I feel dependent and I have also taken on a majority of housework, prepping for baby, taxes/managing finances, car repairs... it's just a lot and I feel like I don't have a partner through it all. I have to initiate everything— asking for time to talk about finances, reminding him to send money to pay bills/ rent, asking to go on dates/ time together (which rarely happens anymore), asking him for house help on basic things (esp now that I can't lift weight). I always have to ask while he's playing because there is never a time that he's present. Sometimes I have to say, "I need you present for this, so let me know when you can look at me" and then he will come over quickly in a hurry to have me ask a question where he provides a short one word responses and then he goes back to the game.
I know that part of my role is to not enable, which I try where I can (he cooks his own food/ does his own laundry/ I try to ask him to clean his mess vs doing it... until it occassionally interferes with my space and it gets frustrating so I either do it myself, nag, or I blow up from frustration). However, things like reminding him to pay bills affects me. I can't let him suffer the consequences of that with out also getting delt with the consequence.
I feel like we are living separate lives as roommates (him virtually and me in the real world). The occassional times I get quality time after asking for it, it's hard to get connected because his whole world is the game and I can't relate to it. I find if I allow him to talk about it with out judgment, he's more inclined to opening up that he knows it's a problem vs times when I tell him I don't want to hear about it.
Many times I feel like I'm taking on the role of a parent by having to remind him to do things over and over again and there's almost a feeling of annoyance from him because with out his initiative and with my dependence on him for paying for things / lifting things, I am asking him for things all the time.
I have gone down the route of being passive aggressive and making mean comments about his gaming over the years (which never worked). I have found the most success the few times we went on vacation or camping and he's forced to detox from it all and then I tell him that I'm nervous to go home because I feel alone and miss him.... which then I see him trying to abstain for about a week until the cycle starts all over again.
I'm so nervous about having to parent alone. I'm nervous that he will be gaming during our children's lives. I am nervous that everything at home will fall on me and that I will feel completely financially dependent and unable to do anything about it either. I am sad that this is what we're dealing with and I wish he would see that the gaming wasn't worth all the time in his life.
My question is how much more can I stop enabling when I am in this role as a SAHM? In some ways, I feel it's my role to take lead on many of the household responsibilities since I'm not bringing in any income, but I also don't want to enable a behavior. From the advice here, it sounds like eventually I should work on getting my own income again so I can depend on myself. Before pregnancy I was great at staying active myself and plugging into educational classes, my business, travel, and social communities (to fill up my cup with out needing my husband for happiness), but now I don't have that independence with a baby on the way and lack of my own income which is making me feel all this anxiety. I believe I'm in the bargaining/acceptance phase of grief.
You are at a very difficult time that you when you have ayoung baby and are having to do so much. Hopefully you have found the first aid kit for spouses (link in my signature) and read about "detaching with love" and 'getting support for you'. This is what you can try to start to do in the here and now.
You need to develop your support base; firends , relatives, make new friends if you need to. Plan what you can do in a worse case scenario and then that may help your anxiety knowing you have a plan. Don't let the anxiety kill you or spoil your joy.
There is so much wisdom on this website but it takes time to go through.
You need to make your baby the first priority; if you go to work, who will look after the baby? Please don't leave them alone with a game addict because they will be neglected emotionally as well as possibly physically.
Have you read the thread on enabling linked in the first aid kit. There are plebty of insights about what it means and how other members view it. I hope it helps.
It's after 3 am my time and I began googling Evony game addiction just out of sheer curiousity if it was a spoken issue others are dealing with as I stumbled upon this page.
I've been with my fiance for years and I waiver in my feelings toward the game. He is, in my opinion, addicted to and completely obsessed over it.
Over the years I have been with him he was never someone I'd consider a gamer and just the exact opposite
Evony for him started out as something picked up here and there, inconsistent gameplay and not anything to raise an eyebrow over. As time went on and I noticed the gameplay was starting to be more integrated into his daily life I tried to show interest and ask questions about this game that he was suddenly really into. For him Evony was to decompress and destress after working, I didn't find fault in that. Sure, I could've downloaded it and got on but I felt like this was his thing for him to enjoy and I'm not much of a gamer since my Nintendo days.
Fast forward months later and it's steadily become essentially a third job (1-2 jobs work and family). The not so stressful game has been a total nightmare. It's having to throw money to it, group chats, separate chat/phone apps, research and recon strategy looking up, watching my man steadily type away because of "drama" within the game, people from the game calling him through the phone app to whine and air their griencences with other players in the game, always events, battles and being "attacked" with phone notifications going off all night. Evony is an all consuming 24/7 situation, it's unlike anything I've ever seen. I'm also very bothered how personal this game is and how he's gotten on a personal basis with these strangers. He would assure me over and over it's not what I think but the whole thing is beyond weird. This is something I've stressed there need to be a separation of.
He has an addictive personality, it's all or nothing with things. The drinking is always increased and goes right in tow with the game playing. I watch him so calmly be patient toward those with work and complete strangers on this game. Need help with the game or battle instructions? He's completely cool as a cucumber regardless of how long it takes. With me though the same isn't extended if I'm asking questions or am attempting a conversation like sorry, it's spent. Which I've pointed out on numerous occasions.
I couldn't begin to put a number to the times we have argued over the game which in itself feels silly and as if I'm the mom telling her teenage son to turn off the video game.
When I think he has finally shifted out of denial and is finally acknowledging how excessive it's been, it's short lived and reverts back. We are stuck in this loop on replay. I have to get angry and get to a point where he will take a "break" from the game but it's right back to it full force within a small amount of time. There isn't a middle ground where it's done within a limit or without the extra and I'm at that point with it where it's me or the game. This has become deja-vu for me as it was one of the reasons that led to the unraveling of my last marriage. The gaming addictions in both cases were not present whatsoever. No red flag waving as they both had nothing to do with gaming much less even owned a gaming system. They were the types who would laugh at those who devote such time into gaming. In both situations it became a sudden thing that just consumed and spiraled.
I do go back and forth with the thoughts of am I being unreasonable or am I valid in my frustrations? One of his favorite ol reliables is saying,"what do you think gamers do? This is normal. It's not like I'm out at a bar or something truly bad. " In which I argue "normal" for teenagers perhaps but adults with families? NOPE
Like a hypnotist's pendulum or hypnotic spiral when the subject's mind is focused on 3-D graphic scenery and moving images like avatars, it creates a hypnotic trance like state. Video game designer Erin Hoffman said it perfectly: "Addiction is not about what you DO, but what you DON'T DO because of the replacement of the addictive behavior." Leaving your mind open to the power of suggestion is their plan. Like gambling casinos in Las Vegas game creators use every trick they can to keep you focused and playing endlessly. Forget about school, work or being a productive member of society, play the game and forget about your family real life and friends, here you can become a lazy good for nothing deadbeat while making us rich! So sad :-(
Disappointment pain and tragedy in real life makes a person vulnerable to want to escape into a fantasy life. What's important to realize is that while under the influence of the hypnotic trance like euphoria state of these fantasy games with 3-D graphics scenery, moving avatars etc, we are positively reinforcing this fantasy in our subconscious minds. The result is fantasy soon becomes reality in our conscious minds. We program our conscious mind to believe in a fairytale that our unconscious mind wants to believe. Like the song 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' people always have a tendency to escape from reality wanting to see things through rose colored glasses. This reminds me of the Long Island Medium TV show with Teresa Caputo. The dead always seem to be saying so many positive and loving things about the living. This is why having a love affair in a fantasy game always ends up differently in real life because the fantasy is no longer there, welcome back to reality.
[quote=Cyberjesus]
Like a hypnotist's pendulum or hypnotic spiral when the subject's mind is focused on 3-D graphic scenery and moving images like avatars, it creates a hypnotic trance like state.
CyberJesus,
I've never considered the hypnotic influence of games. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
hi. i am so glad to be part of this forum. out of sadness, i found myself googling "what to do with boyfriends addicted to COC" and it lead me here. i have been reading the thread and it has already relieved some of my burden right now. I am with a man who I love so dearly but who is, unfortunately, spending so much time playing clash of clans. we have been together for less than a year but i am working very hard to make our relationship last. we are both doctors, in our 30s, both under subspecialty fellowship training. right now, we are under so much stress, especially him, because of hospital work. we barely see each other even if we work in the same hospital. i completely understand the stress of training that is making our relationship shaky; what i cannot accept is that i always share our very few times together with clash of clans. everytime he has time to sit down and open his ipad or cellphone, i lose him. then, i just eat on my own do something else or sometimes just wait for the "war" to finish. at first, i just let him do this. it is very hard to be a doctor and he once told me that it is just his way to relieve stress. it makes him happy, i think, so i let him be. but it is really hurting me. i try to talk him out of this, in a very subtle way, but i dont think he understands. i even joke about buying a smaller tablet so i can tie it up my forehead so it may seem that i still have his attention while he is playing. we laugh it off but deep inside, i am so far from being really happy.
i understand, my situation is very different from most of the members of this forum. we are not married yet. we dont have kids. but what i share with all of you i think is that i really care about this person. this person makes me feel unwanted and unimportant. i am trying my best to understand him but most of the time, i just want to give up. i pray that this concern will reach the makers of this clash of clans and just destroy the game. i do not know what to do anymore.
Doctor Jane
Welcome Jane
I'm sorry to hear about your problem and sadness. You are certainly not alone in your situation.
There is also a welcome letter with general advice for significant others here
I found it most helpful to read the stories of other members on this site to realise what gaming addiction really means.
It sounds like you are treading on eggshells around him; trying to be subtle but it's not working. I think you are going to have to level with him about your feelings in a very direct way and what that means for your relationship. That information may fall on deaf ears but at least you would have been honest and then it's up to him to respond honestly
If there is no change then the only thing you can do is to detach about his choices and look after you; find support elsewhere. Maybe he will come around, but maybe he won't change. It's a gamble. How long will you wait for him to wake up? You will need to accept the reality of the situation and make the changes necessary to get the life you deserve.
Keep coming back xx
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
I felt especially connected to your story. Let me tell you some of mine. My husband has depression/anger problems and claims that his gaming is his way to cope. That is why I enabled him for so long. But it has gotten out of hand and I no longer feel respected by him, where when we were first dating, I was way out of his league (in his own opinion) and he treated me like he was not worthy to be in my presence. You have to mourn for that man, because you may never get him back. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get that man back that I fell in love with. I don't even need to be treated like a queen anymore. I just don't want to be ignored or yelled at or placed as second priority behind a game. I want basic human respect from him. I no longer think of him as the loving, strong man I chose to protect my heart and share my life with forever, but as an annoying roommate who keeps me up late at night with his gaming, fights with me a lot, and doesn't consider my feelings. I'm so embarrassed by the way he treats me and by his addiction that I haven't turned to anyone for help. Except here. Right now I don't have the option to leave him, even if I did want to, but I'm still trying to decide that. I need to gain my independence first so that I have options (advice I received on this site) and then I'll decide if it's worth staying with him. I've been telling myself for years that I'm doing the right thing by not giving up on him and working on changing him. But like you said, the choice has to be his. He has to change himself. Will the choice be easier for him with or without you standing by his side? For my husband, I fear that he will only make the choice after I've gone. That will be his rude awakening. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sitting here balling my eyes out reading stories that sound all too familiar. I appreciate everyone and the stories and honesty. I can relate with the embarrassment of not wanting people to know, and the struggle to stay or go because vows were made for better or worse. I am the type of person with a servant's heart and I have been giving so much and have received little in return and I am dying inside. I love my husband, but I feel like the loneliest person when he is at home playing games. I see glimpses of what our relationship could be if games were not the center of his world and it gives me hope, although it's usually short lived. I am going through such turmoil on the inside. I feel sick and so desperately want to be able to do something, but reading all these stories has made me realize that I can't do anything for him, but only for myself. I guess I just feel guilty for spending that time and energy on myself. I don't know what to do about my guilt. I go back and forth from feeling empowered and as though I deserve better, to a victim, to feeling as though I may have done something to make him become addicted. I know it's not me, but it doesn't stop that thought from crossing my mind. I miss love, touch, conversations, cooking together, intimacy, dates, jokes, cuddling, kissing, and so many other important aspects of being married. I guess I'm grieving, but when someone dies at least people gather to give condolences; I don't have that kind of support. I don't have or know of anyone in my life (until this forum) who is struggling as much as I am, and just hate feeling trapped and alone. Lord help me have strength. Thank you.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3
Welcome Cat ! Glad you found us.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Lys,
I understand where your coming from. Only my husband does not work. I just recently decided to stay home with the new baby and work from home. I am spending all my time to get hired to a work from home job, take care of a 4 year old and newborn, and all the other responsibilities of the home as well. Our yard got real bad and etc. Our house is messy and chaotic too and that is also my husband's excure to escape us.
LMT
My beautiful wife has 7 COK accounts, plays the game when she wakes everyday, takes children to school, then when she returns home after taking children to school to sign on and plays the game until time to pick up the kids....she has an online parttime job and she plays the game while working (inbetween tasks). When I come home from work she is playing the game and "working". She will take a break to eat dinner, but is shortly back to playing the game and working and does not get off the game until she goes to bed and that is usually around 2 in the morning. I feel like she is no longer interested in me or our family. I have told her what she is doing is crushing me, but that has had little effect and from reading other post probably wont. I know now she is addicted to COK....I am miserable. The other night in bed I rolled over to just hug her and told her I love you so much....she let me lay on her chest while she played COK on her tablet above my head.....I have asked her to come spend time with me to watch a movie after the children have gone to bed and she does...with tablet in hand....I then asked her to not bring tablet next time so now she doesn't come at all again. I love my wife....but she isn't my wife anymore.....I am lost, this has all transpired over the last 6-7 months. She is chatting within the game and she has also created a KIK account for the alliances she is a part of so she can chat some more......I am tired...afraid....hurt and crushed by her actions....Wish and hope for a quick end to this as I will not allow this to continue
Sno
Welcome Sno !
I hope you find some help using this website. I am so sorry for your situation and the pain that it has caused.
You are not alone in the struggle. Keep coming back !
First aid for spouses of gaming addicts here;
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
I seem to be losing, or may have already lost, my wife of 15 years to Final Fantasy XIV (FFXIV). If she is awake, that is what she is doing, with headphones on, talking on Discord Chat with her FC (Free Company, like a guild or team) friends, and even continues to do so those few times she gets up from in front of her computer. The only reason she leaves the house is to drive our daughter to/from school and to drive kids to/from various appointments while I'm at work. She gets up, logs in asap, and remains on until any where from 1 to 3 AM, and occasionally, not at all, an all-nighter. She completely ignores me and the 3 kids we have here, yet laughs, talks, and has a great time with her FC. She is now chatting outside of the game (text, FB messenger, etc) with a couple guys in her FC. I giver her a hug, from behind, kiss the top of her head and she acts like I'm not even there. She literally does NOTHING else. She was supposed to bring a camper down to her parents (5 hours away) and help her mom with something this weekend, but has cancelled because 2 players characters are getting married in-game and she doesn't want to miss it and doesn't trust her laptop to not crash. So she's blowing off her mom now too for this.
Things are bad, she is no longer wearing her ring, she will not say "I love you" back to me, and has made mention of divorce. She has been playing like this since January. Yesterday I had to leave work early to go puck up my daughter at school because she needed "a mental break" from the kids. Coincidentally the night before she was installing a new update to the game.
She is ruining her life and ours and doesn't even see it.
How do I help if she doesn't even see that there is a problem and probably doesn't care if there is? Do I just have to wait until she does?
Has anyone had a happy ending to a story like this?
Just Eric
Welcome kiltedphoenix
It sounds like she is an addict which has taken over her personality. Think of her as a heroin addict ...that is how serious things are.
My best advice is to read through all the threads in the post below. it will explain through other's experiences what you can do.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game
You need to radically change the way you deal with her; this may include trying a family intervention to get her to take notice, or by you stopping enabling and completely detaching with love.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Hi, I'm new here. Just disovered this was an actual thing. My husband, married in Oct. of 2019, is addicted to gaming, I think. Or at the very least, he plays excessively. He mostly works from home now, not because of the pandemic, but because of this new job he has. And now that I am home too, I'm a teacher, I see how much he plays. He will start his xbox as soon as he wakes up (about 10:00) and will be in his "gaming room" from that moment until about 2 or 3 AM. This is every day. Now I know we can't go out and do much right now, but this isn't anything new. He will also talk to his friends almost that entire time on xbox too. I will go in and sit with him sometimes, but he mostly doens't pay any attention to me. He will come out of there on the weekend to watch a movie with me, but I have to beg. He does come to dinner at the dining room table, but there has been many times where I told him dinner was ready and by the time he came in, I was already done eating. It gets very lonely. He will go and do things with me SOMETIMES, but even when he does, he is playing a video game on his PHONE! He plays while he works, while we're talking, while we're watching a movie, in the car, at his parents house, anywhere we go.. if he's not on his xbox, hes playing a game on his phone. I don't know what to do, I knew he played games when I married him, but it's destroying our marraige, at least on my side. We've talked about it before and he says he will never stop playing video games.
Hi, I'm new here. Just disovered this was an actual thing. My husband, married in Oct. of 2019, is addicted to gaming, I think. Or at the very least, he plays excessively. He mostly works from home now, not because of the pandemic, but because of this new job he has. And now that I am home too, I'm a teacher, I see how much he plays. He will start his xbox as soon as he wakes up (about 10:00) and will be in his "gaming room" from that moment until about 2 or 3 AM. This is every day. Now I know we can't go out and do much right now, but this isn't anything new. He will also talk to his friends almost that entire time on xbox too. I will go in and sit with him sometimes, but he mostly doens't pay any attention to me. He will come out of there on the weekend to watch a movie with me, but I have to beg. He does come to dinner at the dining room table, but there has been many times where I told him dinner was ready and by the time he came in, I was already done eating. It gets very lonely. He will go and do things with me SOMETIMES, but even when he does, he is playing a video game on his PHONE! He plays while he works, while we're talking, while we're watching a movie, in the car, at his parents house, anywhere we go.. if he's not on his xbox, hes playing a game on his phone. I don't know what to do, I knew he played games when I married him, but it's destroying our marraige, at least on my side. We've talked about it before and he says he will never stop playing video games.
Hi there,
Thank you for signing up and for having the courage to post about your new marriage and how his video gaming is affecting your relationship. It has to be a bit depressing knowing that you JUST got married to someone and he is already living in an alternate universe in la la land.
You are not alone. This website has been wonderful for me and I hope will also be a support for you. It just helps knowing that we aren't alone in this and that there are ways of dealing with it. It sucks. It's difficult. But we can cope.
I think the first step, and let other correct me if I'm wrong, is to take care of yourself. Bottom line.
Other things you can do being that you are newlyweds and have just started to address his gaming addiction is to see how many signs/symptoms he is having. This page is helpful:
https://www.olganon.org/spouses_of_excessive_gamers
As well as this list:
https://www.olganon.org/self_tests_on_gaming_addiction
That was helpful for me to really understand that yes, my husband has an addiction. They do a really good job of placing blame on us for what they like to do, or convincing us that it's "not a problem, just something I like to do for fun. It's my hobby."
Other suggestions on this website that you can explore would be to keep a log of when he is playing. No, he might not be to the point where he can admit it's a problem and definitely not to the point where he can say that he can ever stop gaming. BUT!!! You can set boundaries with him. Say look, I am not asking you to give it up entirely, I am asking you to better balance your time and include me into your plans. Tell him that you are feeling isolated and alone when he gets online. Set curfews or times/days where he can play. This isn't about negotiating, it's about setting boundaries so that he respects you. Hopefully you are early enough in your marriage where he still has respect for you. Right now, he is taking advantage of you. You want to be a kind, caring, and respectful wife and let him enjoy things. Well, you can do that, and also get some love and respect from him, if he is capable of it.
Other things you can do include starting counseling individually, and for both of you. Definitely individual if he refuses to go to couples counseling. You can also write an intervention letter stating what the terms and conditions will be if he does not respect your boundaries. This looks different for every couple.
I am sorry for how alone you feel. Keep coming back to this website, and don't forget he has a gaming addiction. I pushed my husband's behaviors under the rug and went back and forth on whether or not it was an "addiction" .I finally realized it after he had lost complete respect for me and had given his mind away to the games.
Take care of yourself!!
Hi Im E. My fiance and I got engaged after a year. That first year was incredible we were always active trying new things playing sports together and having fun. He gamed from time to time but was still dedicated to time together. Once we moved in together for the past 2 years its been a downward spiral. He games anywhere from 5-12 hours a day. He doesnt exercise or enjoy the activities we used to. When I invite him out with friends he would prefer to stay home. When we go on trips to visit family brings his console. His sex drive has gone down and even if we are intimate he goes right back to gaming after. Huge turn off. I feel very lonely and looking for attention anywhere else. Ive spoken with him about this and been very honest, he doesnt change and if he does spend time with me he behaves like its a huge chore. He moans and groans about anything that isnt his video game time. His friend group is all avid gamers but he is definitely on more then any of them combined. Ive thought about leaving my relationship. His attitude toward me since this gaming obsession has changed and he doesnt not treat me very well now, trying to get his attention or affection is near to impossible. My heart breaks for the man he could be if he has control of his gaming. But I am terrified to marry him I do not want to have kids with someone who has no time for us. I am terrified to move forward with him.
PixieQ
Hi Misspixie
And welcome.
Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are coming to a decision about what you need to do but it is not easy to leave someone you have had good times with and care for. This addiction sucks because it ruins good relationships.
It takes a really big shock for gamers to wake up. Focus on you and life you deserve. i hope you find the resources for spouses linked in my signature useful.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Hi all! I just found this and I’m so glad! Reading through is like reading about my life and marriage. I’m so glad I’m not alone and I’m not crazy!
A little bit about me. I’ve been married 6 years. A mom of two... maybe it’s three now, I just miscarried a couple weeks ago and am not handling it well, (5 yr girl and 2 yr boy). I’m a homemaker, photographer and yoga instructor. Full of faith, love reading my Bible and meditating.
My husband hardly ever played video games when we were dating or right after we got married. My mom actually got me an xbox360 our first Christmas together bc I love playing some games (especially halo). I grew up playing halo and others with my dad and brother and it was always fun, even when my brother was acting like poop. Well since then gamin has been a serious problem. He was always on. Either on the Xbox, then his phone. Then he was staying up super late to game and too tired to help me with the kids. He started having a bad temper and no patience with our daughter, who was just a baby. After our son was born I caught him doing other things while he was staying up late gaming (porn), while I was upstairs breastfeeding our boy and trying to get some sleep. I was goin to leave, he convinced me to stay and didn’t play any games for a year.
well last year he started playing again and I was actually worrying that he was having and emotional affair bc he was just not present at all. There was no emotional support or connection and he had no desire for one. We only went on two dates last year and one was our anniversary. I tried to set up others, but there was always a reason it wouldn’t work out for him. I finally told him this year that I couldnt keep pouring out for him with nothing. That I had nothing left to give him. He also started streaming his games online last year and so he has a schedule he “has to well for his followers.” And now he’s joined a league for his game. So that means tournaments. He was only playing some nights after the kids went to bed but now he’s playing every chance he gets throughout the day even if it’s only for 30 min. I constantly “catch” him playing. And he’s playing most nights now, even when he’s not streaming. He hardly ever comes to bed with me anymore, which is really hard right now bc I’m having constant nightmares since the miscarriage about our kids dying, and he knows this, but still won’t stay with me at all. And when he’s not gaming he’s either on his discoed, watching gaming videos or talking about it. If I try to talk to him about something else he spaces out and doesn’t listen.
Weve fought about it and, of course, his gaming is only causing problems in our relationship bc I have a problem with it. Other wives let their husbands play and I shouldn’t have a problem with him doing something that he likes.
Today, after looking at the stuff on this site I talked to him about being addicted. He was of course mad and blamed me and kept trying to turn things around. He ended up going through his stuff and saying he was going to stop to make me happy. The anger and resentment in that sentence was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I told him that addiction doesn’t work that way. That it’s something he needs to do for himself and his relationships and his health. He just told me that he’s only giving it up to make me happy until he finds something else that he likes that I make him give up.
I don’t know what to do. He refuses help and counseling but I’m going to start. Even before finding this site I had decided that I needed to have the mindset of a single parent and just take care of myself and the kids. My husband and I are basically distant roommates and the kids miss him. It’s sad and I’m so glad there’s this community for support. I’ve been at my wits end about it and wondering if I’m just a crazy, codependent, nagging wife who demands unreasonable things of her husband (what he says in a roundabout way) but now I see that it IS a problem! And other people are facing it to! I’m not crazy or alone! Thank you so much for everything you’re doing!
Welcome Corkee
Sounds like you are making a good start to change how you interact and what you want for yourself.
Keep coming back !
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
No you are not alone!!!!! what you shared is so similar to what I have gone through with my gaming addicted (and multiple substances, come to find out) husband. There are a couple things I wanted to share or comment on.
"And when he’s not gaming he’s either on his discord, watching gaming videos or talking about it. If I try to talk to him about something else he spaces out and doesn’t listen." Yep, yep, and yep. I couldn't get my husband to go to bed with me, and I was rarely home much last year because my dad was battling cancer and I was helping my parents physically, emotionally, and financially. When I was home and got back from dealing with all of that, he would say "oh im so sorry that sucks" then go right back to playing. makes me sick how much i put up with. we deserve so much better.
I about flipped when I read this sentence "He just told me that he’s only giving it up to make me happy until he finds something else that he likes that I make him give up. " I don't know what about addiction, or video game addiction in particular, turns our once-loving-caring husbands into emotionally abusive manipulative narcissists. get off the dang computer and comfort your wife who just miscarried YOUR CHILD. It is incredibly emotionaly abusive that he is not there for you during this time. Try not to make excuses for him. I did for mine because he tried to comfort me twice about my dad's cancer and I just couldn't fully confide in him becasue it felt so fake. Why tell me you are sad when you won't even offer to help? Or be willing to help? All the treatments were within 2 hours away and he has a perfectly working car. I still had to manage all of our finances, work a full time job, a part time job, and got to come home and clean the house! Even if your husband has comforted you once or twice, him choosing to stay up and game/stream/tournaments is not being there for you. You have told him how he can be there to help and he has not.
My husband would tell me "you just don't want me to have friends!" when i asked him to cut down on going to gaming tournaments (at one point, he was going to three different ones a week, which as you know takes up HOURS). He only works 3 days a week so that leaves me with one day to be with him, if it happened to be a day that I was off work. He slept through "breakfast dates" with me, yet would be up bright and early to go to video game tournaments to pick up his friends.... oh, by the way, the tournaments were in the same area that my dad was getting cancer treatment at. So, he was able to leave early, pack up, and be ready to go get them and drive hours, but couldn't do that for me while taking care of my sick dad?
Enough's enough, man. You are going through it all right now. Get your counselor and start making plans about what you want out of life. I know it seems like you know what you want right now, but until you get space from the abuser it's like whoa wait a second, I'm not crazy, I am a cool person, and I do want to go places and do things. I am deserving of other peoples' time. The depression gets to us and we start to internalize the rejection, even if we don't think we are.
If he is stopping playing just for you the addiction will turn to something else. Or Maybe he will do it behind your back, but like you said it's not going to get better unless HE wants to make changes. Even if he does quick cold turkey (like my husband did), he will still get fulfillment out of watching otehr people play and youtube videos, talking on disccord, etc. They can say they have given it up (the actual playing part) but until they make all the of the mental changes needed to fight addiction, it's the same.
Until that happens, you get the help you need and make a game plan on where you will go, what you will do, what you want out of life, for your kids' lives. sometimes they need to see that we aren't joking around.
Keep having faith - God is good and He will protect and provide for you. You can do all things through Him. Even what seems impossible right now.
Thank you! I plan on it! I’m so glad I found you guys!
OCheerUp I can’t even imagine going through all that! What did you end up doing? And how is your dad? I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much.
For me I gave my husband an ultimatum and he was really mad about it until I had bags packed, a place to go and one for out the door. Then he was ready to talk and agree to counseling and a gaming schedule. But I just got an email (both our emails are attached to my phone) to him for an online gaming platform that I guess he signed up for to play at work, but he’s only supposed to play for specific allotments of time, so he’s already broken our agreement and his promises. That was pretty fast.
Wow. I can't believe that. So hurtful. I know addiction makes them less in control, but it's still about choices and what is most important to them. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom in order to see that changes need to be made. You stand your ground :( I know it hurts
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change-recovery-from-porn-addiction/rebooting-advice-observations-from-successful-rebooters/girlfriend-of-a-badass-fapstronaut-day-135-wanting-to-share-my-our-success-story/
I'm not in relationships or anything (I'm on a reboot of gaming addiction [not much] and p*rn addiction [much], kinds of artificial stimulation) but when I see you mentioning "p*rn". I know that is a really big issue of your husband. The post which I have just shared having a couple of lesson of handling p*rn addiction as couple (This can be applied for gaming addiction as well, because they are still artificial stimulation in general).
Hope you stay strong! Corkee!!
"No matter how painful, sad and bored this real life is, this one is the place where I born and have the most delicious meal. And it really exists - I can touch it, smell it and grab it"
I feels the same as everyone , here , I'm still going through the stages of grief , sometimes I try to be ok , with it , as sometimes he tried, when he does it's not much but means the world ,, , but weeks of being alone or months no sex ,, no time together , no convo unless I go to his gaining room where he has his head set on .
me being bare min , I end up exploding eventually , then he blames me ,I stayed here in NZ for him , I've done 4 visa for him my job and housing are all attached and he is My boss , I work harder than him too sometimes it feels like he has taken advantage of me working for him and I do everything I almost ended being off work for a break down from it, thankfully new management came in and changed that ,
it wasn't always this way , , I've built a life here , but I work evening shift, so I got to work and come home to sit alone , maybe it wouldn't even be as bad with a little time together without asking and effort and sex once a week , I think I could deal then .but sometimes we can go up to 10 weeks without sex he has turned me down so many time I've stopped trying completely, my confidence is shot ., men hit on me I'm not hideous, I would never do anything as stupidly he is all I want.
My family is another country, I'm so lonley it feels physically painfully Some days.it embarrassing to constantly do thing on your own .
I was sick a while back and he couldn't take me to the hospital because he was to tired from gaming , I had to have from car boosted from my neighbors husband because he was gaming .
I stupidly still love him i wish I didn't. I actually think he is a amazing sexy , intellegent human being .
Emotionally it doesn't feel healthy , and go between not feeling like I have a choice to hoping it will change ,, to being angry
Last night he lost his mind on me because I tried to tidy up the garbage in his gaming room and it was by the door he has let garbage and dishes built up for about 6 weeks in there , he yelled at me took my little pile of clothes and threw it ,then because he said the convo was done, it was supposed to be ....I joked and asked if he was Jesus, meaning who does he think he is , I asked for a apology for him being rude to me , then he tried to tell me he deserved a apology because he wasn't heard ,
I told him I'm never heard, I am last so I aplogiezed he was upset I touched his garbage , but I'm incredibly lonley and try my hardest to make him happy .I never got a apology.
I'm just venting .it doesn't really need a response we all feel it here and it sucks none of us signed up for this .I'm sorry for all of us . Feel free to message me if you wanna chat , as were all lonley .
I've been married to my husband going on 11 years and we have 2 boys. We have had an amazing relationship from the get go up to about 4 years ago when our family went through a tornado. Our boys were 3 and 6 months ago and we were displaced from our house for 10 months while it was being rebuilt. It was a very stressful time for both of us and even then I didn't know if we were gonna make it on the other end together. My husband started smoking again (had quit for 3 years) and was hiding it from me. Clearly that's not something you can hide very well, and I eventually found out and asked him about it. Of course, I ended up being the bad person because I just wouldn't understand. We ended getting over that hump, but like all marriages, there were still ups and downs. Things overall were much better once we were back into our home.
Since April of 2019, I've been dealing with my husband becomming more and more distant. He started playing Game of Thrones Conquest game around that time. He was constantly on his phone and up real late at night. About November of 2019, I came across some apple gift cards that were purchased through amazon. He had been hiding that he had been spending A LOT of money on this game. I've lost track of the total but at one time it was up to $4,000 just since last May. Just between May 2nd and May 4th of 2020, he spent $650. I have since stopped looking to see what he's spending. I told him that I knew how much money he had spent and he got mad at me! We have gotten into numerous arguments about how he's not been emotionally present and how he's just forget everything I say. He doesn't understand and says that he's trying to change and make me happy. He tells me that I'm not making changes for him. He says that I don't support him. I'm and the type of person who will do anything before doing something for myself. I have always put him and our 2 boys first.
I finally started going to counseling for myself back in February. After a few sessions, the therapist said that she would be interested in how often my husband played the game while at work. I got on the phone bill to see the data usage during the data to see if was a lot while he was at work. Well, what I found was something I was not prepared for. I came across some phone calls (made twice a day and 2-3 hours long for one of the calls per day). The calls were only Monday - Friday with one Saturday where my husband has went out for errands one day. I confronted him about the calls and he said he didn't make any calls or receive any calls. I later found out that he lied. It was a person from the game. There is a chat room on the game (Discord). After all this he still felt like he was doing nothing wrong. He continued to play at all hours of the day and night (would be up til 1-2 am). A couple more fights later where I voiced my same concerns of him putting the game before me, I discovered that he was receiving kissy face emojis on the chat (turns out it was the same person from the calls). Which proves my thought of an emotional affair.
I'm currently sitting in a hotel room letting him have space and figure out what he wants to do. I'm hoping he will wake up and realize what this game is destroying, but I have a gut feeling that he's going to willing to throw everything he's worked so hard to get for his family.
I am glad to find this place to have some support.
Welcome Lonely
Big hugs to you. You have gone through such a lot recently. How you must be feeling right now I cannot imagine. You are at a critical point in where your reationship goes from here and he, with his game- damaged brain, holds the power. I am gutted for you and your little kids.
These games and the attachments they make can be very strong. i really hope that he gets a wake-up call and can see it as just a huge fantasy that is hurting people close to him.
Some of the things you said around him saying things like ' you don't make changes for him' sounds like kind of manipulation that we hear about on these forums that gamers are expert at it and use to justify themselves.
I am so glad you have a therapist you can trust, who is supporting you.
I hope you find these forums helpful. Our information for spouses is in my signature below. keep coming back. Take care
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Hi guys I'm new and here is my story!
When I meet my husband 4 years ago I knew he was a gamer. That was his hobbie and he uses to play only during the weekends, even thought I never liked it and we had many fights about it I do try my best to understand it!
However the hobbie has become an addition like I've always feared. It's not only the weekends is during the weekdays too and even worse now that his working from home. Is affecting his work life and obviously ours too.. the worse thing is that not long ago he admitted that he was crossing the line however does nothing to improve. Soon after we had that conversation he stayed more than 20hours playing I'm not exaggerating and that while drinking alcohol and God knows what.. I wasn't home at the time but when I got home and saw that he was still playing after a day I lost my mind we had a huge fight and he told me to leave the house..
I'm completely lost, this never happened before to this extent, I really hope once he sleeps and wakes up and doesn't see me there he will come to his senses but gosh this is devastating! I've read so many posts and I really just need someone that understand me to talk!
Thank you!
EB
Welcome Embarthe
You are not alone. Check out the spouses first aid kit for more information and the tools we can use
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
smtwngal your comment although it was a long time ago has already helped me!! You have literally described my situation down to a T!
I don't know if you're still on here but I'd love to hear how things have worked out for you. I only joined a few hours ago and feel so lost about what my next move should be.
Hi Debbie
your best chance at feedback is to send a PM to the member
INFO
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Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
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I'm finally posting after being on the site for a while. It has been one of the MAJOR sanity savers for me in the last year. I can relate to almost all the stories and the feelings of anger, resentment, confusion and lonely isolation. I'm finally in therapy and I've started Al-Anon meetings. The meetings and a personal focus on recovery has been another sanity saver.
I've been married over 20 years. No kids. In the last 5 years or so I started to notice the pattern of coming second to gaming, porn and who-knows-what. I've now discovered a multitude of addictions and behavior patterns that I thought were all in my head. I do struggle with how to address this and stay in my recovery. Every week I am confronted with some type of sneaky behavior, and an attitude from my partner that seems like a different person. It is gaslighting and manipulation (I finally see it even though I don't want it to be true of him). My controlling wants to scour his phone and computer but he keeps it immaculate and what good would that really do? He would just deny it or act like I am the crazy person. So I try to work the program when my mind wants to "go there."
I started keeping a journal about 4 years ago because I just couldn't believe the way I was being spoken to and the verbal abuse that was coming from my "best friend." I am working on detaching (with or without love) and a plan to be happy - with or without him. This will probably take some time. The behavioral addictions seem to be the most insidious. Months and months with no intimacy, manipulation and the roller coaster ride of eggshells to everything is fine, to blowup, silent treatment and on and on and on. I'm about done with this ride and as others have said I can almost accept whatever happens because I have felt so utterly alone for the last several years. I am also the sole earner and just feel like I'm being taken advantage of so he can continue to live a vampire life where I am in the periphery waiting like a dutiful spouse.
The crystal ball is a good analogy. I'm not sure I can truly be happy just being in the same house with someone who was supposed to be WITH me until the end.
All that is left now is to grieve and continue to realize that I am worth a hell of a lot more than the barest of bare minimums. You are all worth so much more as well. Thank you for the site and I hope to see more posts about how folks are doing. I wish you all the best and strength to continue doing what is best for you and your families.
That you for sharing your experience. I hear that you have been able to identify and grieve the truth of your situation and I am inspired by your actions and determination to respect your own being and search for recovery. My best wishes go to you and for your future.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
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My husband and I just got married in 2 months. I have known about his past game-addict since we were dating. His addition is on and off, there were times when he was very into and play games through the night, from 7pm to 8am the next day. His excuse back then was because he works night shift so he had to stay up to play games, then sleep until the evening and go to work. Then when he changed to a new job, he worked morning shifts so I saw him change a lot in terms of his gaming patterns. He plays here and there couple times a week for 1-2 hours a day or even less. But recently, especially after we got married, he has been very into Call of Duty again. He got to know one of his coworkers who is also a game-addict and they play together a whole day. Just a week ago, when he had 7 days off straight from work, he would spend the majority of his time off playing games. The majority here I meant is a whole day everyday. He's tired from working 12 hours night shift 6 days in a row, but instead of trying to sleep more, he would wake up at 6-7am in the morning in order to play games. He would play until lunch time, I make lunch while he plays game (I'm also the one who cook and he doesn't help me with cooking). Then he does help with washing dishes after eating then go straight to playing games again. Then eat dinner, wash dishes then play games until 12am. I kept asking him that how can his coworker has 2 kids but has that plenty of time to play games, and he got defensive and said I should not say bad things about his coworker. Whenever I try to have a conversation with him about his game addict, he gets very defensive. What he said would be "I'm not an addict, if I'm an addict, I would have played games much more, quit work and not going to the gym or want to do anything with you". And I ask him so playing games a whole day is not a game addict then I honestly do not understand what it is. Recently, he got back from work at 7am after his night shift and I had to leave immediately for work so we only met briefly. Then the next day, he accidentally told me that he played games before he slept because I wasn't home to control him. And also, whenever I talk about him playing games too much, he would say that I'm being toxic and controlling of him. He has never played games after going back from work before, but he just started to do it no matter how tired he was after work, he said it's a way for him to relax before sleeping and going to work again in the evening. I have trauma from my brother being a game-addict, and I have seen how his marriage did not go well because of that. But I'm unfortanately having to deal with it in own relationship. I love my husband, and we do plan to build a family, to have a baby soon, but we keep getting into argument because of his addiction. I honestly do not know how to solve our problems since it's very hard for me to communicate with him about this issue without getting into a huge fight. How do you deal with a game-addict who get defensive and always in a denial mode for their action?
Van Anh Nguyen
Welcome VN
Please look at the first aid kit for spouses linked in my signature below
The short answer is you cannot control his adddiction but you can stop enabling him
Also do not start a family with a gaming addict because the children will be sevely affected by his behaviour. " Why is dad ignoring me ... it must be because I don't matter to him ... I am not worthy "
INFO
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I just found your website today. I read this post about the wife being angry and resentful by having to work at a job and then do everything at home as well while her hubs played games all the time. That was ME about 20 years ago. I got myself to the place where I could finally be a 'homemaker'. I am intelligent and could have worked my way up into a high position somewhere ( I did before I married my hubs) but I gave all hat up, because it is very true that YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ST HOME, Including vehicle maintenance! People look at me, wonder why I don't want to 'better' our lives by having a career... they need to walk a mile in my shoes. I have found my own peace with our marriage. I pray and wish that hubs will change but can't see it happening; he had been like this 25 years, ever since I met him. He is good to me, in his own way.
I am glad I found your website. It helps me feel ok about feelings that I have been guilty about.
Ok this is a long one... I'm pregnant and started working with a therapist to deal with the anxiety I was experiencing. I had first asked my husband to do couples counseling and he said he wasn't comfortable with it, so I chose to do it on my own. My therapist recently told me to look into Al Anon and to replace alcohol with gaming, but I found this site which feels more relatable.
I've been with my husband for 10 years and now we're having a baby. When we met, he spent a lot of time on his computer but in the beginning it was to work/code/build a business, which I saw as ambitious, inspiring, and attractive. Over the past few years, he stopped liking his job and career path. It seemed he stopped dreaming big like he used to and got into a rut. He turned to gaming and I have felt many times alone and overwhelmed with emotional labor.
He's gaming from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed (usually around 1am) with a few breaks just to eat and shower. His setup is in the common area/ living room and it drives me NUTS that I have to look at him doing it all day, but I'm reading it's better to stay there vs in a private room. If we have a family event or I ask him to do something with me, he will make it happen (I probably get about 1-2 days with him a month)... but sometimes he'll share his feelings of fomo of missing out on something in the game. If I could sum up my emotions over the last years, it feels like I am constantly pulling teeth to have him present and a partner in my marriage.
I freelance for my career, but I became sick in pregancy and could no longer make my own money, so I have prematurely fallen into the role of SAHM. My husband works from home and provides a great income, but his job is on a computer so he's able to be on his game all day with a separate computer and show up for meetings when needed.
Because I'm not bringing in money, I feel dependent and I have also taken on a majority of housework, prepping for baby, taxes/managing finances, car repairs... it's just a lot and I feel like I don't have a partner through it all. I have to initiate everything— asking for time to talk about finances, reminding him to send money to pay bills/ rent, asking to go on dates/ time together (which rarely happens anymore), asking him for house help on basic things (esp now that I can't lift weight). I always have to ask while he's playing because there is never a time that he's present. Sometimes I have to say, "I need you present for this, so let me know when you can look at me" and then he will come over quickly in a hurry to have me ask a question where he provides a short one word responses and then he goes back to the game.
I know that part of my role is to not enable, which I try where I can (he cooks his own food/ does his own laundry/ I try to ask him to clean his mess vs doing it... until it occassionally interferes with my space and it gets frustrating so I either do it myself, nag, or I blow up from frustration). However, things like reminding him to pay bills affects me. I can't let him suffer the consequences of that with out also getting delt with the consequence.
I feel like we are living separate lives as roommates (him virtually and me in the real world). The occassional times I get quality time after asking for it, it's hard to get connected because his whole world is the game and I can't relate to it. I find if I allow him to talk about it with out judgment, he's more inclined to opening up that he knows it's a problem vs times when I tell him I don't want to hear about it.
Many times I feel like I'm taking on the role of a parent by having to remind him to do things over and over again and there's almost a feeling of annoyance from him because with out his initiative and with my dependence on him for paying for things / lifting things, I am asking him for things all the time.
I have gone down the route of being passive aggressive and making mean comments about his gaming over the years (which never worked). I have found the most success the few times we went on vacation or camping and he's forced to detox from it all and then I tell him that I'm nervous to go home because I feel alone and miss him.... which then I see him trying to abstain for about a week until the cycle starts all over again.
I'm so nervous about having to parent alone. I'm nervous that he will be gaming during our children's lives. I am nervous that everything at home will fall on me and that I will feel completely financially dependent and unable to do anything about it either. I am sad that this is what we're dealing with and I wish he would see that the gaming wasn't worth all the time in his life.
My question is how much more can I stop enabling when I am in this role as a SAHM? In some ways, I feel it's my role to take lead on many of the household responsibilities since I'm not bringing in any income, but I also don't want to enable a behavior. From the advice here, it sounds like eventually I should work on getting my own income again so I can depend on myself. Before pregnancy I was great at staying active myself and plugging into educational classes, my business, travel, and social communities (to fill up my cup with out needing my husband for happiness), but now I don't have that independence with a baby on the way and lack of my own income which is making me feel all this anxiety. I believe I'm in the bargaining/acceptance phase of grief.
GG
Welcome GG
You are at a very difficult time that you when you have ayoung baby and are having to do so much. Hopefully you have found the first aid kit for spouses (link in my signature) and read about "detaching with love" and 'getting support for you'. This is what you can try to start to do in the here and now.
You need to develop your support base; firends , relatives, make new friends if you need to. Plan what you can do in a worse case scenario and then that may help your anxiety knowing you have a plan. Don't let the anxiety kill you or spoil your joy.
There is so much wisdom on this website but it takes time to go through.
You need to make your baby the first priority; if you go to work, who will look after the baby? Please don't leave them alone with a game addict because they will be neglected emotionally as well as possibly physically.
Have you read the thread on enabling linked in the first aid kit. There are plebty of insights about what it means and how other members view it. I hope it helps.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
It's after 3 am my time and I began googling Evony game addiction just out of sheer curiousity if it was a spoken issue others are dealing with as I stumbled upon this page.
I've been with my fiance for years and I waiver in my feelings toward the game. He is, in my opinion, addicted to and completely obsessed over it.
Over the years I have been with him he was never someone I'd consider a gamer and just the exact opposite
Evony for him started out as something picked up here and there, inconsistent gameplay and not anything to raise an eyebrow over. As time went on and I noticed the gameplay was starting to be more integrated into his daily life I tried to show interest and ask questions about this game that he was suddenly really into. For him Evony was to decompress and destress after working, I didn't find fault in that. Sure, I could've downloaded it and got on but I felt like this was his thing for him to enjoy and I'm not much of a gamer since my Nintendo days.
Fast forward months later and it's steadily become essentially a third job (1-2 jobs work and family). The not so stressful game has been a total nightmare. It's having to throw money to it, group chats, separate chat/phone apps, research and recon strategy looking up, watching my man steadily type away because of "drama" within the game, people from the game calling him through the phone app to whine and air their griencences with other players in the game, always events, battles and being "attacked" with phone notifications going off all night. Evony is an all consuming 24/7 situation, it's unlike anything I've ever seen. I'm also very bothered how personal this game is and how he's gotten on a personal basis with these strangers. He would assure me over and over it's not what I think but the whole thing is beyond weird. This is something I've stressed there need to be a separation of.
He has an addictive personality, it's all or nothing with things. The drinking is always increased and goes right in tow with the game playing. I watch him so calmly be patient toward those with work and complete strangers on this game. Need help with the game or battle instructions? He's completely cool as a cucumber regardless of how long it takes. With me though the same isn't extended if I'm asking questions or am attempting a conversation like sorry, it's spent. Which I've pointed out on numerous occasions.
I couldn't begin to put a number to the times we have argued over the game which in itself feels silly and as if I'm the mom telling her teenage son to turn off the video game.
When I think he has finally shifted out of denial and is finally acknowledging how excessive it's been, it's short lived and reverts back. We are stuck in this loop on replay. I have to get angry and get to a point where he will take a "break" from the game but it's right back to it full force within a small amount of time. There isn't a middle ground where it's done within a limit or without the extra and I'm at that point with it where it's me or the game. This has become deja-vu for me as it was one of the reasons that led to the unraveling of my last marriage. The gaming addictions in both cases were not present whatsoever. No red flag waving as they both had nothing to do with gaming much less even owned a gaming system. They were the types who would laugh at those who devote such time into gaming. In both situations it became a sudden thing that just consumed and spiraled.
I do go back and forth with the thoughts of am I being unreasonable or am I valid in my frustrations? One of his favorite ol reliables is saying,"what do you think gamers do? This is normal. It's not like I'm out at a bar or something truly bad. " In which I argue "normal" for teenagers perhaps but adults with families? NOPE
Welcome to the forums Summer
The denial and 'well I could be in a bar' are normal for this addiction. WHile they are in the addiction they cannot see the harm they cause
If he is not being present in the marriage or he is neglecting his family duties you have cause for complaint. He made marriage vows.
See the first aid kit for spouses ( link in my signature below) There is much experience there that can help you.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here