I found this site maybe six months ago and found the posts really interesting and helpful but up til this last week have never posted anything. I thought my situation could be managed and resolved but now after 12 months of anguish it is clear it is out of control. Here is the start of my story - who knows how it will end?
Where to start? Well I guess at the beginning except IaEU(tm)m not really sure where that is! First maybe some background; I have been married to my wife for 23 years and I suppose like any couple we have had our ups and downs. I have not been the perfect husband as I have often put work and sometimes other interests before those of my wife and children, not quite a case of working hard and playing hard but more not concentrating properly on giving my wife the support and appreciation she desired or deserved, although I didnaEU(tm)t see it that way at the time, I was concentrating on earning a living. Throughout our marriage I have mostly been employed on jobs that have taken me away from home either Monday to Friday or for weeks at a time. That certainly did not make my wifeaEU(tm)s lot easy raising the children mainly on her own. She always managed the home and kids well and rarely complained. She has never really had any interests of her own outside the children and a few part time jobs despite me trying to encourage her (probably not surprising, as she never had much time!). I then managed to find a series of jobs for about 8 years that got me home every night but the hours were still long and involved being on call 24/7. Then my luck ran out at the end of 2008 and I had to accept another position abroad that meant working month on, month off. Our plan was to capitalise on the income to allow us to move house and hopefully retire early. That is I think when this really started. The children are getting older and starting to aEU~fly the nestaEU(tm) and my wife found Evony on the internet. I didnaEU(tm)t really notice what was happening at first but towards the end of 2009 It became apparent she was spending a lot of time on her laptop, coming to bed after me and a lot of real life tasks were not getting done. She then started to get amorous when she finally did join me, which was a little out of character as previously it had mainly been left to me to instigate bedroom activities, something that we had aEU~discussedaEU~ several times during our relationship. This set me wondering and I asked her what had changed, she was reluctant to reply but when pressed eventually told me not to aEUoeanalyze it but enjoy itaEUoe. I couldnaEU(tm)t help wondering though and decided to have a crafty snoop at what she was doing on line as I had no idea what evony was (she often left the laptop running) and I saw some pretty flirtatious chat between her and other players.
Christmas 2009 was dreadful, she had been spending hours a day on the laptop and when I got home in December there were few preparations made for the celebrations and the decorations only went up in the nick of time on Christmas eve, so there were some cross words, in fact I was pleased to return to work overseas afterwards to get away from it. From overseas I could see when she was logged on to the internet, often for 12 hrs plus a day and she would still be on till 3,4 and 5 in the morning. When I came home again the house was a total mess and I watched her get up one morning go straight to the laptop and start gaming, she eventually got dressed late in the afternoon cooked the family meal around the game and the chat and was still playing at 4 the following morning - she was on 16 hours that day. At that time she had a small part time job helping a freind in an office once or twice a week with flexible hours and she was only going to work when she had to in the early evening for two or three hours, having been on evony most of the day and then coming home to do a meal at 9 or later whilst continuing the game. The children were getting very upset about this. We had several aEU~robustaEU(tm) discussions but it continued to rumble on despite her agreeing to moderate the time she was spending on line. She also started to sometimes hide the game and chat behind other windows when I came close by switching browser tabs.
Unfortunately things didnaEU(tm)t change much and this lead to a massive row where all sorts of discontentment and old issues were raised. She expressed strong views that I had been selfish and had neglected her over the years and now the children needed her less she had been looking for an interest and Evony just crept up. I could see how she felt and although I had some counter arguments I could not disagree. I apologised, said I knew that couldnaEU(tm)t put my past wrongs right but undertook to try to change by doing more around the house and being more supportive etc and she undertook to cut down her time on line. Things improved until I returned to work. Next time I came home we were back to square one, it was obvious that as soon as I left she went back to playing hours a day and little had been done other than evony in my absence. At this point I started to aEU~snoopaEU(tm) deeper and found she had emailed a player a fairly normal (clothed) picture of herself and in return he had emailed her several pictures of his penis! This obviously lead to another row, apparently she had responded in a complimentary fashion to the pictures as within the game she couldnaEU(tm)t afford to upset this fellow! She told me he behaved this way with all the women and I was over reacting. She did however moderate this type of behaviour as far as I could see after these discussions and concentrated more on the strategy of the game.
To try to cut a long story short it has been a case of two steps forward, one step back and a couple of weeks back when I remonstrated with her again about how her time online still dictated her life (agreed she is now down to probably 4 hours a day on average when I am present, longer if I go out, spread out over whatever moments she can grab) and her response became really quite violent. Things improved for a couple of days but then one night as I suggested we go to bed she said she had to finish something off and wouldnaEU(tm)t be long, an hour and a half later she came to bed and I snapped and said I was leaving. Her response this time was again very angry but she said she was going to aEU~resetaEU(tm) the game and delete her account and she was finished with it. I told her (stupidly I think now) I didnaEU(tm)t think this was the answer as she is always accusing me of trying to control her and my forcing her hand would lead to further resentment and bad feeling. I threatened to cut off the internet as she was aEU~deletingaEU(tm) the account and she got even more angry, almost violent so I allowed her to continue. The atmosphere was very uncomfortable the next day but it was all of maybe three days before I realised she was back on again (it seems she didnaEU(tm)t delete it at all) gradually building up the time on line day by day but even more secretive than before, quickly swapping browser tabs to her email account or other sites whenever I came in viewing range, even though you can clearly see the evony tabs across the top of the browser and the chat box buttons along the task bar! She did not even mention she had returned to it although I cant believe she thinks I am that stupid that I didnaEU(tm)t notice! Before I left to come back to work an opportunity arose for me to view her communications again and I saw a message stating she was coming to an arrangement with another player so she could pick up the game when I am not there but does not have to play when I am around.
I really donaEU(tm)t know where we are going from here! I didnaEU(tm)t think her solution would work as I know she cannot control the time she spends on it whilst I am away. I never wanted to stop her playing altogether as this is her sole interest, all I asked was she got in control of it, rather than it controlling her. Unless she quits of her own volition she will always have further resentment so I donaEU(tm)t think I can reasonably demand or dictate she quits. Also, as I have seen she will just find ways of continuing behind my back and because of my work arrangements she has plenty of opportunity. This game has only become such an issue with me because of the way it has influenced our life together which is ironic because if she had managed to keep her activity at a sensible level so it didnaEU(tm)t impact on our whole life when I first raised the issue it may have been the saviour of our relationship. Her behaviour was the catalyst for me to realise I had not been everything she wanted in the past. I have maintained my resolve to improve our relationship organising nights out, making romantic gestures etc but unfortunately she is of high office in a fairly top ranking alliance and has loyalty to her players with whom I am sure she discusses my aEU~controlling and unreasonable natureaEU~. She has become even more short tempered than before, she doesnaEU(tm)t go out unless she has to, her back is becoming troublesome and when she is on the pc she seems totally oblivious to other things around her.
Now I am back overseas I know that she is back to playing evony at every opportunity and again into the early hours although since the row when she said she was quitting I have ignored it and not mentioned it again. How do I know? Because I have a reasonable computer knowledge and have ways of seeing what she is doing. I fear now that when I do return home after Christmas I will find the situation I have experienced so many times before. I was also concerned recently because whilst talking to her on skype (whilst she was playing evony) she had a massive row with our youngest child, from a remote position I saw how volatile she has become.
I never realised before researching this on the net and as a result finding this site how common this problem is but despite reading others experiences I am at a loss now as to how to resolve it. I am now at the end of my patience, it has been an issue for pretty well 12m and despite appearing to make progress we keep ending up right back where we started. I have suggested we seek professional help together - she refused, we cannot have a constructive conversation without her getting angry and accusing me of ruining her life and trying to deprive her of her one interest (which I repeatedly said was never my intention, I just wanted a balance). However the longer this goes on the more apparent it becomes that she is incapable of controlling her involvement, the real time nature of the game means she must take every small opportunity to check what is happening and plan strategy with her cohorts. If I question her she either evades the issue or sometimes lies to me, very convincingly, if I hadnaEU(tm)t seen evidence for myself I would almost believe her. I am finding I am becoming extremely stressed and suspicious because of the deception she now employs, as to what she is doing every time she goes near her pc. This has now gone on so long and despite my trying to convey my feelings as to what I think would be reasonable in terms of time she spends on it and the nature of her previous interactions on line (maybe I am wrong?) she feels I am being unreasonable. Because her status needs regular checking, even if we have been for a night out together she will check it as soon as she gets in before we go to bed, it has become a major issue for me and one I can no longer accept. This is compounded by the fact she cannot be open and honest about what she is doing even to the point of becoming angry if she thought I was stood behind watching her messages whilst making tea, despite the fact she has the laptop in the kitchen and I cant read the screen properly without my glasses!
I have over the period tried to talk to her about it, confronted her over it, written to her about it, texted her about it and threatened to leave three times now but in the long term it has made absolutely no difference to her attitude. I sent her links to posts on this site earlier in the year and she didnaEU(tm)t even acknowledge she had received them (although I know she did). She has admitted she is addicted but still considers her behaviour reasonable and rational!
Because she has said she will get it under control so many times now and has failed I do believe the only solution is now for her to stop it completely, delete the account and sever any communications with other players that may tempt her to return to it. Unfortunately this course of action does not sit comfortably with me as I have my own interests that take me away from the house for some hours at a time on average maybe twice a week. I do not wish to give this up, even though if I add up the hours I spend on them they are a fraction of the hours she spends on evony but I question myself is it a fair to continue with my interests which she has no affinity to and demand she stops the one thing she obviously enjoys? I cant see there will ever be a reason for her to stop playing it as she never spends any time of her own volition to do anything else or form any other interest and the game effectively has no end. She could continue to play it forever and never reach a suitable conclusion. A major problem is communication, she cannot have a rational conversation about it with me without shouting at me and her view is my objection to the game is now an obsession with me and because of my overbearing attitude she is always feeling criticised for enjoying herself. Even ordinary questions or conversation will be misconstrued as aEU~diggingaEU(tm) and result in angry responses and apparently it is MY obsession with her playing a game that is killing our marriage!
I know that what she is doing is not healthy for our relationship or for our youngest child who is still at school, the older ones are all at university and largely independent so are unaffected. Reading otheraEU(tm)s posts on this site both ex gamers and their families I also know my feelings of resentment towards this game are not unusual. However I question myself as to whether I am justified, my wife tells me she is only doing through her time on this game what I have done due to my work and other interests in the past and it is her only enjoyment. I can also see how I have possibly driven her to seek another outlet. But I also have to accept my realisation deep down that I cannot continue in this relationship whilst she continues with evony. It is not like a normal hobby or interest it is an ever present distraction right there in the house 24/7! What is it about a game that can suck someone in and suck the spirit out of them? I just want my wife back! Up til now I have never asked, suggested or demanded that she quit altogether although the day that I will is now very close. I have no idea how I will approach it yet or what her response is likely to be except it is likely to be very angry and loud!
Paul.
I'm so sorry Paul - I think we all feel like that. It's unreal. Literally
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
Welcome to OLGA, Paul. This just seems so incredible, doesn't it? I mean, your wife's Evony playing is absolutely a full-time job... just reading about her schedule and the demands it makes on her makes me tired... and she's paying to do it rather than the other way around!
I read in your post a very high degree of self-knowledge and awareness. You clearly understand the situation 100% and there isn't anything people can point out to you that you don't already know. Try not to beat yourself up about the mistakes you've made... in 23 years of marriage we've all made some doozies, and it certainly doesn't sound as if you've been a terrible husband all told. When you've had to leave, by and large it's been to support your family, and you can't be faulted for that!
A couple of suggestions (only suggestions or insights, not advice!). It comes across that you believe that your wife should still be allowed to play "some" Evony, partly because she does like it so much, and partly because you do things for your own enjoyment and you feel she should have something as well. Unfortunately, addicts don't work that way. Your wife is at this point enmeshed up to her ears in her game... her responsibilities are manifold and the time commitment well-nigh total. You don't go backwards from there. The heavy alcoholic doesn't cut back to two beers and then home. The problem is, even if she does succeed in "cutting back" for a while, the demands of the game and her own addictive personality will mandate an eventual return to previous levels of playing.
Typically here we do not recommend threatening to leave and then ... not leaving. You lose your remainining card when you do that. There is no reason she should ever believe you, since you've already done so three times and haven't.
It would seem that a productive course for you going forward would be to do some heavy thinking about where you want to go with the marriage. One option a person might use would be to sit down with the addict and explain, "look, I love you but I don't think I can go on like this anymore. I am convinced that you are an addict and I do know that your gaming is destroying our marriage. If you do not stop playing, altogether, our marriage is done. I will leave on (x date) if you are still playing. I will help you in any way I can but please understand, this is non-negotiable. I may not be as young as I was but I have many years ahead of me and I am not going to spend them like this anymore." Have a plan and the intention to leave, and then do so if she does not stop.
If I could tell you that I knew for sure that your wife would stop playing at some point, or play in a more moderate way, then of course I would never suggest the above. But the difficulty is, nobody really can know that. She may continue to game until her dying breath. You do not want to spend the next 10-20-30 years like that! Eventually it will impact your health and it certainly, already, is impacting your emotional well-being.
I wish I could be encouraging and say, oh, your love will pull her through but the sad truth of it is, your wife will come to recovery in her own time and may never. Project out another year, five years, ten years... your love and concern may not change anything at all, and your wife will simply have dumped more of her precious life and energy down the Evony rat-hole.
As we say here at OLGA, just because gaming is ruining your wife's life does not mean it has to ruin yours, too.
Good luck and strength,
Jane in CT
I couldn't say anything better than Jane...
I was a faithful loving wife for 15 years. But when i got addicted to an MMO game, Gaming took over my life.
I basically abandoned my family emotionally and lots of other ways because of it...
My husband couldn't fix me. I tried to blame him for my irresponsible behavior. I manipulated him with my words.
I am ashamed of that now. He did not cause me to game excessively, continue in that behavior and he could not, as much as he tried, make me willing to quit. We had lots of arguments about it at first, and I would use his understandably angry behavior as an excuse to game more.
Then.. he, like you, educated himself on gaming addiction, and the yelling stopped.
Then,
He was honest, calm, loving
and in the end, he detached from me.
Probably, thats the best thing he ever did ... for his own sanity...
I eventually came to my senses. Thank God I did, before it was too late...
Just know this EW... This is not your fault.
Lots of people have to make sacrifices for their families and no one is perfect, don't ever let her make you feel like you are responsible for her addiction. You are not. She owns it. And she will have to come to terms with it.
I will pray for you and your family.
Hugs
Dear Paul,
Listen to what Alana has said. You are dealing with addictive behaviour. There is a technique to it, which does not always work but is better than the alternatives.
You have to detach, do not enable, and look after yourself. I hope she comes to her sense.
- dark
Thanks guys (and gals!),
I have read about the 'detachment' suggestion and that is where I probably fall down big time! Trouble is I dont want detatchment, so even seeing it as a means to an end is very difficult. As it is I have to spend more than half the year (a month at a time) away from my home, wife and familly, when I do get home I guess I am looking for some bonding, quality time together and peace and harmony. When I am away we speak pretty well daily via skype when my work schedule allows and at the begining - the absolute worst, if we had a video call she would be standing there responding to my conversation but never really taking the lead and at the same time bashing away on the keyboard manipulating her army and strategising, she was there - but not there. If the communication was by type there would be huge gaps in her responses and again it was always me that lead the conversation. After "discussing" this with her it got much better but I dont video call often now because I dont want to see she is pre-occupied whilst we are talking.
To me, detatching and getting on with my own life seems very hard and not something I have achieved. Because I spend so much time away, I may as well just not be there and if I want to talk to her just use type on skype. As I have seen, by keeping on at her when I am home I can at least get her to moderate it and spend some time with me doing normal 'real life' things. If I ignore what she is doing it just increases to a point where I cant ignore it anymore. For one month she did manage to get it under control so it didnt impact on things at home and when I returned to work I praised and thanked her for it (I thought we had turned a corner). Unfortunately next time I came back it was more of the same old! In our / my situation if I am going to detatch I may as well leave. Detatching whilst being near her and having this right in my face is the thing I dont seem able to achieve, her behaviour just knaws away at me, I get more resentful and angry until eventually I talk to her about it and the same old row starts!
I do understand her situation also, with me being so far away for such periods and so often, it cannot be easy for her being left to deal with all the day to day rubbish of normality whilst I am off in the sun "having a ball" (I wish)! So I can easilly see why evony is so attrative to her and gives her an escape. For myself I have always found working away relatively easy although I dont much like it but that was when I thought everything was good between us. Now I find myself distracted at work wondering how long she is spending on line and whether she is managing to keep the house. She is right really in her comments that I am obsessed with what she is doing but I know for myself that this is only because I am concerned about the damage it is doing to our relationship. Even if she did manage to stick to her idea of passing her account to someone else whilst I am home, I will still see the results when I get arrive of her having done nothing else but play evony whilst I was away and it still wont be good for our youngest. I also think her mood will be dreadfull not being able to lead her alliance for a month. She will be counting the days until I return to work so she can return to 'normality'! I dont think this is a solution or even a viable compromise.
I have tried to compromise but I see clearly now that this is never going to work because the more time I dont comment, the more time she takes. I also know that with evony as other games it is not possible to be succesful without investing the time. The month she reduced to a good level she lost lots of troops and 'castles' because she wasnt able to defend herself - I know because she told me - what a sacrifice she made for me. I did inially view this game as maybe a good thing as she is in real life a shy person and not very self confident when it comes to dealing with situations (eg repairs to the washing machine, she wont call the engineer because she is nervous about dealing with it) so I thought that through her activities on line it may transfer experience and help develop her confidence in real life. How wrong that was - it seems to have made her worse. When the internet failed whilst I was abroad (her lifeline to the addiction) I had to sort it out from overseas with the ISP using one of my older children at home to do the hands on bit at the pc whilst she was so upset and in tears following her experience at dealing with the call centre! I guess that makes me an enabler but the kids that are still at home need it too for their studies and I need it when I'm home.
All I know now is she seems to have found a life she wants and is happy with and I now have a life that is dragging me down, I am not prepared to continue with that much longer. She is still physically there, but mentally she is most of the time far away in the land of archers, scouts, barracks and with her 'friends' in the allaince. If she doesnt stop then I will have to detatch and in my sense of detatchment that will mean moving out because I cant see any other way I personnally can do it. I dont consider myself an emotionally weak person in any other area of my life, but to have the woman I have lived with and loved for 25 years (we were together before we married) and the mother of my children behave in this way is just not something I can ignore or sweep under the carpet. She tells me I am killing the marriage with my obsession and desire to control her, the truth I believe is exactly the opposite - her obsession with evony is the root. I readilly acknowledge that since the worst times last February she has improved, she now has more interest in the house and doesnt stand all day at the laptop in her night clothes (at least not when I am around to see what she is doing). However the pre occupation with it is as strong as ever, it's the first thing she looks at in the morning and the last thing she looks at before going to bed. Standing at the pc for so much time is now I believe starting to affect her health, her weight has increased again and she seems to be getting more problems with her back. It now has to stop.
Paul.
Paul,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can tell you, I visited this sight long before I quit gaming. The anon stories that I ran across touched me so, that I was haunted for the rest of my (gaming) days. I am sure your story will impact far more people than you will ever know.
Again, I will be thinking of you, and hoping that your wife comes to the realization of what really is most precious. She is lucky to have a caring loving husband as you. You sound a lot like mine. He reached out to me again and again.
Detaching from me was the hardest thing he ever had to do... It really almost killed him.
I wish I could send a message to your wife's soul.. I would... and I'd shake it...
So sorry Paul for what you have had to endure...
Hi Paul -
I'm like you in the way it is so hard for me to detach. I think I am still in the denial stages that this is even happening.. It upsets me so much. He just fussed at me and told me to leave him alone to play his game - the thing he enjoys -
Everyone is right - the resentment is so strong - and you want to burst - but if you do - it backfires - nothing works... but accepting the fact that they have chosen this way of life -I can't yet...I just can't..
I feel like it's cheating - Feet hit the floor in the am - he's on the computer - before bed - on the computer. Right now? On the computer.
I HAVE to just let go - and I don't want to.
Good luck to you ... I certainly hope things go your way. Sending good thoughts and wishes.
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
Yesterday during an internet conversation across the ocean my wife and I once more had a heated exchange! During it I put my point again as of course did she! My veiws remained as posted previously in this topic, hers also were fixed on how unreasonable I was in expecting her to give it all up. Last night she quit evony. She wrote her resignation to her alliance, gave away her heroes and cities, bade farewell to her fellow players and logged out. All the while this was going on she was periodically forwarding some of the messages of respect regarding her skill and conduct within the game. I sent her replies back telling her I never doubted her skill and achievements - thats not what it was about. One message was suggesting another player as suitable to take over from her but the writer also stated he wasnt sure this person would accept because of the time commitment involved - I again replied this was exactly my point! Another question I asked her (she told me she had over 100 messages complimenting her and asking her to stay) was how many of those people had husbands, wives, children or parents standing in the background with exactly the same feelings as myself and many others on this forum. It was all completed in the early ours she didnt talk to me again because sadly I missed her message by 10 minutes and she went to bed. She was clearly very emotional about it. I left her a message that she would find in the morning telling her I realised how difficult this was for her, that I wasnt gloating or dancing in victory and more importantly (to me anyway) how I felt about her doing this. Contact today was strained but thawed out through the day and I really think she can stick to this. I am so proud of her for being able to do it. She went from a learner to the top in 18 months or so and once at the top took her alliance four places up the 'league'. I know she was good at it, I know she was respected and I have told her she should look on this as quitting at the top. I am realistic enough to know that this is really a begining rather than an end but I also have faith in her that she will stick to her decision. I know all will not be sweetness and light for a while, but I am sure we can now move forward again and who knows maybe (hopefully) this experience on both sides will make our relationship stronger. For myself I have an enourmous sense of relief that she has taken this step but I am not elated and despite everything that has happened, missed deadlines, arguments, my loss of trust in her I actually I carry some guilt! Some of you may think that strange but I do feel for her giving up something that had become such a big part of her life - so big that I often thought it was bigger than the part Myself and the familly play. I dont bear her any grudge for the experiences we have had in fact it has to an extent shown me another side of her expressed through the game that has not really been present in the real world. If I question anything about this it is the developers and publishers of this type of game. There are always going to be people for whatever reason that will be entrapped by them and yet unlike drink, drugs or nicotine they seem to be entirely unregulated and the dangers of them little publiscised, yet they are every bit as destructive to those affected. So to all those in my position please dont give up, I am not convinced that there is any real right approach to dealing with this problem as it seems to depend on the underlying charachters of those involved. I am sure deep inside that my wife does realise that the time she was expending on this activity was well beyond what would be considered normal. I know her arguments to me were all contrary to accepting this and apart from admitting she was addicted to it she would not accept or admit to me that the time she was spending was unreasonable. I am hopefull that we have reached the botom of the valley and now we can start to climb towards the next summit to see the sun rise! As I have seen many times on here, she may 'own the addiction' but WE 'own our relationship' and I dont love her any the less for what we have been through. Keep fighting for those you believe in, dont judge but take every suitable opportunity to put the point across and try not to get angry - even though they will. Get others, relatives and friends to calmly do the same, stick to the facts whatever else may be thrown at you. You can win the battle and once you have done that - the war. I really hope in a few months time I can come back to this post with another encouraging postscript and maybe in a year to say all is well.
Living in hope that the evony queen has abdicated for good.
Paul.
Thats so good to hear Paul.. She is lucky to have such a supportive spouse as you....Hugs
Well, I'm happy to hear your wife has disengaged, for now, from Evony. Not to burst your bubble, but most of we "anons" have had "our" addicts quit before... sometimes multiple times. Just because your wife has quit, for now, doesn't mean she'll stay quit. Stopping actual gaming is just the very first step on the road to recovery and it is by no means a "done deal." It's a super-important step but it's the beginning of the story, not the end.
Your wife needs to start making her recovery a priority. She needs to start thinking about what gaming was "doing" for her and why she became so enmeshed. It is NOT going to be enough to "just not game," okay? We learned this the very hard way. She should start attending some step groups in person, or get counseling, or join this site, or at the least get some kind of a mentor/sponsor to help her through these early days. You wouldn't be "enough" even if you were there, and you aren't.
The course of this is going to be that, for some period, your wife may be on a "pink cloud," of no longer being in the daily grind of "having" to log on and spend endless hours. (Or, conversely, she may be completely distraught or un-done at the prospect of no longer gaming.) Either way, unless she figures out and deals with the issues that originally caused her to game compulsively, sooner or later she will not be able to ignore the siren song of the monitor and... she'll figure it's going to be okay to "just game a little bit." Or, to just "log in and say hi." Or "check the forums." Most relapses wind up with the addict resuming use at a higher and more serious level than before.
Your wife needs to find things to do that aren't gaming, to bring value and meaning to her life. She doesn't have to run out today and start a big bunch of new things, but she does need to figure out how to fill the empty hours and to find a new purpose. Without this, she will drift aimlessly, and, as I say, eventually she'll relapse. We've been there and I know.
Please, please do not just "let it go" at her stopping. Stopping is great and nothing good can happen until it does, but she has lots of work ahead of her, and maybe you do, too.
Jane in CT
yeah.. i was thinking the same thing Jane but did not want to bust a bubble either...
I remember your saying, I think it's yours.. "have high hopes and realistic expectations"
To be honest, i tried to quit a few times when my husband demanded it of me, but at that time i was quitting for him, not me. What happened is, i snuck back into the game, and tried to do it behind his back.. I am not good at sneaking, and got caught pretty quickly.
I have high hopes for you Paul.. and i will pray for you and your family. If your wife has quit for good, it's the best Christmas present she could give herself and her family.
One thing to watch for is that your wife might start up on a new server. Many hard core Evony players have multiple accounts going on multiple servers. A lot of her alliance might be quitting their built up accounts and starting over on a new server. That might not be her plan but, irregardless, most evo addicts start over multiple times on new servers. It's also an easy way to relapse after you've quit and given away or blown up your account.
Evony opens up new servers where people start over all the time. I hesitated to post this last night too, not wanting to burst your bubble. Just don't be surprised if it happens. It might take 2-3 weeks or even more for her to stop obsessing on evony, and the temptation during that time is almost unmanageable. Especially if it wasn't really her idea to quit quite yet. Hoping she gets there soon.
Ariadne~
Letting go again - Change is never easy, I fight to hold on, and I fight to let go.
Well unfortunately it didnt even last a couple of months, let alone a couple of days! First off although she disbanded her main account and passed her leadership to another player she continued to monitor what was happening with her alliance through a small alt acccount! Some of her other main players jumped ship to other alliances and her previous pride and joy started to fall apart. This is where the twist becomes so ironic! The guy she handed over to contacted her and told her he couldnt justify the time he was spending on evony and had promised his wife he would quit by Christmas and offered her his account (well done he and how lucky his wife is if he can stick to it!)- she accepted so readilly and now only a week on she is back in control and battling like mad to recover the alliance! She has obviously justified this to herself by getting the support of other players to manage things when I am home for my month off but can return "full time" (her words not mine) as soon as I come back to work! In doing this she has taken on nothing of my concerns of me arriving home to find absolutely nothing has been achieved in the house since I left!
What is worse, oh so much worse is she has admitted or intimated none of this to me, I have had to discover it by foul means. This is compounded by the fact that I asked her how she was managing without evony and she said it was hard but becoming easier. I also asked her a couple of days later if she was still managing to stay away from it (knowing full well she wasnt) and she repled 'yes I am'! Last night as I signed off our skype typed chat (the delays in her responses over the last few days have been increasing, indicating she was pre-occupied) I told her how pleased and proud I was that she had given up evony in the hope it may just give her a prick of guilt to examine what she was doing. Some hope! This evening in a similar chat when I had waited over 10 mins for a reply I instigated a voice call, I could tell from her tone she was not overjoyed with this. The call dropped a couple of times and each time she tried to get me to revert to typing and whilst we were speaking I could hear her typing on her laptop - what else would she possibly be doing at 02.00 in the morning whilst talking to me!
So here we are right back at the begining again! She is responding to me with outright lies and god knows what other interactions she is having, one message to another player was signed to 'my special man xx'. I am now totally convinced I cannot trust a word she says to me anymore. Although I am managing to do it I find terms of endearment and affection I send her and more so those she sends me are so hollow they ring out to me like a bass drum! I feel so hypocritical because really now mine are just empty words. Any respect and affection I held is disapearing faster than the dishwater down the plughole and just as tainted. This whole experience over the last year has turned me into a bitter and twisted spy clinging to the last vestiges of our relationship like a man just about to fall to his death over the cliff, fingers slidding over the slippery rock, desperately trying to find a hand hold! I can't watch her do this to herself any more and I cant wait any longer for her to come to her senses. My faith in her ability to recognise what she is doing has evaporated like the morning dew.
I am now resolved to keep up this pretence of normality as we have a late Christmas celebration planned with the children when I return which I dont want to spoil and the final showdown must be face to face, not over the medium which has facilitated this disaster. I have no idea how I am going to manage to keep my disapointment and resentment at her choice under wraps but I am determined I will. I am now booking an Hotel and as soon as "Christmas" is done, I am leaving. I see now there is nothing more I can do or say that is going to show her what she has become. Worse than that I dont see any way back from this, the way I am feeling right now I don't see how I will ever be able to trust her again. In a little over 18 months we would have celebrated our silver wedding anniversary, how stupid is that? I still remember the pride I had when I spoke at my parents 50 year anniversary party, that they had despite the trials and tribulations of health and finance, managed to stick together for so long and still be so content with each other. I dont see any chance at all now that we could emulate that!
I can no longer sleep properly, I am distracted at work and I have a complete feeling of a loss of purpose to my life. I must now refocus and get rid of these feelings and concentrate on keeping this job that will give me the financial ability to salvage something of my life from this mess. I just cant believe that I have spent 23 years striving to provide a reasonable standard of living for my familly and give the children the best support I could towards achieving their ambitions and aspirations for it to be ended by this fixation with a game, a fantasy life that provides no real or tangible reward. What an epitaph to a life's achievements - "She was the queen of evony!" 99% of the worlds population would imagine this to be some far flung country, not some virtual fantasy life! Worse still how many people who have not experienced this can even imagine that it is possible for a previously seemingly well balanced person to behave like a drug addict, lying and cheating to get to the next game and chat session? I can do no more, this latest development has destroyed any faith and hope in her that I had left, her destiny must now be her own!
Paul.
ahhhhh Paul!! I am so sorry, i just don't know what else to say... Hugs to you.
But, I have to address one of your comments, she is not behaving like an addict, she is an addict. I think that is soo hard for anon's to accept. I do not think my husband has ever accepted the fact that I was addicted to gaming and that he had no power of influence over that.
I had to reach my own bottom in order to come to terms with my sickness.
And your wife will have to as well.
You really deserve better than this.
Paul
Maybe your wife is lonely with you not being there, I know you have to work away because of your job but can you not get something closer to home even if its less money. I think you should spend time together before you both give up, it will be hard to get her from the game as she has used it for comfort and company a coming together of a community, acceptance belonging things she may be missing with you not there, without she may feel insecure your presence will help. Everyone needs company and reassurance from time to time its in our nature.
Hayley, What you say is very true and I readilly acknowledge it is not easy for her, but when I am home if she is given the choice she takes the game over spending time with me - every time. Belive me if I thought that by me being there she would cut loose from this then I would do as you suggest. But I know from experience and I know in my heart that I am not enough anymore. When I have planned evenings out for us she will spend all day at the PC setting things up so she can be absent for the night, spend half hour getting ready and then as soon as we set foot back in the house she is back checking all is well. The thing that prompted the row last time home was me telling her as she was busy gaming in the kitchen and I was wandering aimlessly from tv to guitar in the rest of the house that I may as well really be at work! What life is that? This job and the financial security it offers is the only thing I have left that offers me an escape route to something better. She cannot speak to me about it, she lies to me, she would rather maintain her virtual relationships than continue a real one with me. I have done as much as I can do to try to make her feel valued and desired, assisting with the house, cutting my own interests to a minimum to be with her and be there for her when I can but she cannot let it go. There has to be a time when it has to be accepted that I can remain as just another body in the house and one that is an annoyance getting in the way of her game or I have to go another way - and I think now, this is it! If she were able to talk to me about it and give me some hope that she wanted to give it up I could maybe stick it out but every time I try to talk to her she just evades, retalliates or lies. Because I cant trust what she says anymore I cant expose myself to the risk of giving up the job if she told me she would stop and then finding as it has been so far that she doesnt. She has the option of coming out with me - but she wont do that, just putting excuses in the way - why? Because if she were with me 24 hrs a day how could she play! Even if I had a job close to home she would still have 8 to 10 hours a day available to continue the deception!
Paul.
Coming from a gamer, everything you say is right Paul. There is nothing you could do that would pull your wife from her gaming drug, as long as she wants it.
nothing....
Everyone experiences loneliness, and there is non worse than being with someone you love, watching them waste their precious life moments in front of a computer monitor playing meaningless games while ignoring those who love them most.
I soo soo wish things could be different for you Paul, I wish i could write your wife a letter. I would if i thought it would make any difference... It's just so incredibly sad.... :(
Hi Paul
Im very sorry I just read my post it was very insensitive of me asking questions like that I apologise. Its important what you are feeling that is why you are here. I must keep in my head what other ex gamers have said to me,the three c's, you cant change it, you cant control it, you cany cure it. I must stop problem solving its very rude, i'm here to listen learn and help sorry again. Paul
OH Hayley - My perception is that you were just trying to look at all aspects of it that's all. I think like myself - we are so desperately wanting answers to convince our gamers of what is at risk if they choose to continue gaming. We so deserately want them to see outside the fantasy and quit it. In our attempt to do that - you wonder what's up in their head that would make it so powerful that they would give up their real world for it. And it's within them. Isn't it only natural to try an analyse it? Find different answers? Understand the connection?
I know many other friends, spouses and family members of addicts that go thru a period of questioning themselves or wonder what they could have done - But it's the addict who owns it. I personally don't think it was rude - and I'm sure you were totally just trying to help.
Paul - I am just so sorry. Sometimes it's hard for me to even come on here because it's so sad. I've been working on detaching a little - it's super hard for me - but that's what everyone says to do -I need to do it more. Sounds like you may have reached that point. I mean even though you are away alot - I know the shock of the game deception is still very fresh in your heart -but what can you do to honestly begin detaching - not in anger, not in retaliation, not in I told you so - just accepting what is? I guess you told us huh - leaving..
Oh - and I wanted to mention -just today- I was questioning my Enovy gamer about when he was being very flirty with an alliance member - and he said that part of the stradegy of the game is to be suggestive or flirtatous to gain something from them. And what would an alliance be if nobody talked and chatted - and got to know each other. He said if someone wanted to take it one step further - they would probably swap personal emails or something. duh.....
I also wondered, why, if this is such a stradegy game, and attacking and building your alliance -why do so many have such suggestive names? He said no reason other to attract attention - which they get. He reminded me, in defense of his game - that not everyone has suggestive names - and this is true.
So - perhaps in your wifes desperation to get her alliance back together - she is doing what they normally do in the game to get what they want...Like Survivor !
A hard pill to swallow - we really can't change it - or control it - or cure it - unless it's our own cross we carry.
I hope you will keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Steps that you are taking for yourself. We have to form our own alliance sometimes.
We are in your court.
K9kist
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
Thank you k9kist
Some days I still think if I could have done this or that, and maybe I was thinking that when I posted to paul trying to help but I have to think of the three c's. There are things I did wrong like screaming and trying to pull the plug instead of clamly talking to him and finding this great site to show him. Again thanks for your post k9kist and to Paul I understand the loneliness you must be feeling.
All, Thanks for your words and thoughts. Hayley, I have no problem with your comments, every one should be able to say what they think on here, expressing any reasonable thoughts are better than the response I get from my wife when I have tried to discuss it with her, the anger, transfer of blame, defensiveness etc. A year is a long time for something like this to fester, I am I consider an anylytical person and have tried firstly to find out what was going on and then how to fix it - but I cant, I realise that now. So I have two choices, one is to just ignore it, watch her descend deeper into what she is doing again, see the house unkempt, the dog unwalked and my youngest unsupervised - or I can walk away. If I stay and ignore it I will be eaten up inside, I will have to keep checking on what she is doing, whether she is telling me the truth or not and I am never going to feel any better than I do right now. If I walk although it is not really what I want, I do have a chance of at some point starting to feel better about myself and my own life. It is something that I can do to end for me the hurt caused by this nonsense. I can maybe save myself but I know I cant save her, only she can do that.
Sure I believe the flirting etc is part of the game it is a means to influence people and get them onside. However you wouldnt do that in RL if you were committed to someone, the fact that it is happening virtually doesnt make it any the less real to those doing it or any less hurtfull to those outside. My wife will tell you that it is harmless fun and a meaningless part of the 'game' if that is the case why does it extend to private emails outside the game and if it is meaningless it would be easy to give up. To me being unfaithfull in your head is just as meaningfull as being unfaithfull physically - cyber sex if you want to call it that is just getting the same thrills and feelings without the physical contact. If you ask my wife she will tell you that is rubbish but then again she is prone to telling lies!
Paul.
Paul
You do have to think of you or it can make you very ill. I spent 18 months running around after my partner, working paying bills doing the shopping supporting us. When I asked him for sometime he would give me just enough to get by. Then we made an agreement he would come off at a certain time but it was always ten more mins or another hour, I started to become stressed with it, shouting pluging the plug then pushing each other terrible. He would say to me your crazy its all in your head, your controlling, along with lies and flirting. I would go to work and get upset over nothing. I had to leave our home in the end as it was making me very ill but because I loved him I went everyday to look after him buying food, smokes etc. When he finally went I was so depressed stressed sad not just that he had gone it was the 18 months of emotional strain he had put on me, us. He left to play his game elsewhere and i went to the doctor who sent me to see psychiatrist nurses as i did not want to live and thought i was mad and i had pushed him away, they put me on medication. Just this week I have had three managers from my work come to see how i am doing, they said "your not the same person you once were" it was hard to tell them what has caused my depression, an addict on a game. The moral of my story is Paul, you have to think of your health do not run yourself into the ground like i did and have nothing left of you. I should have listened to myself months ago when I knew it was not right but I hung in for more. But its the THREE C'S I did not know about, now I do, thanks. Please think of you aswell Paul.
It took me quite some time to recognize I was addicted. But it sure helped that I noticed that I was not behaving as I should. I knew I was lying. I knew I was neglecting my family, relationships. While playing for hours and hours, these things suddenly could pop up in my mind. Sometimes I would have social obligations that I could not find an excuse for to escape (your wife will have Christmas), and I would walk around numbed down, less talkative, introvert. As an addict you know that, you feel that, and it makes you wonder what is wrong with you, because you know there have been other moments in your life when you were different.
Maybe it could be an idea to calmly say that to her, once Christmas is over. Probably she will jump right back to her game, but I think that these thoughts will haunt her, as they did with me.
I had a girlfriend for half a year some months ago. She got fed up with me being distant, distracted and not involved. In the end she just send me a message saying aEUoeI am so disappointed in youaEU, and we havenaEU(tm)t met since. Man, that really hurt big time. At the time I just read the message and played on and on and on, drugging myself. But when I went to bed, when I was doing/grabbing my food, when I was at work, it came back to me, and it led me to realize I needed help.
In your first post you state: aEUoeI know that what she is doing is not healthy for our relationship or for our youngest child who is still at school, the older ones are all at university and largely independent so are unaffected.aEU
I just wanted to add something to that; the older ones are affected too. She isnaEU(tm)t calling, isnaEU(tm)t asking aEUoehow are you doingaEU, is not interested because of the game. She surely knows, and feels, that is not how it is supposed to be. That feeling needs to grow. It is just not sure how long that will last.
Try to help her, as you are obviously doing, but never forget yourself. Take care.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Steele
Read your comment about feelings of an addict not just the actions, Im starting to understand these thoughts feelings of the addict how it pulls you in how you feel when off, must be very hard. It really does come down to educateing youself about addiction for family members of addicts, If you can educate yourself on how they think and feel it will help all involved with addiction. I feel so ashamed sometimes when I think of how I looked at my partner with hate over his gaming not stopping to think how he felt, it was not just him addicted to the game I was addicted to fighting it, obsessed. So important for the gamers like Steele to help family members like Paul understand what its like, whats behind the selfish action of excessive gaming, its alot more deeper than what we see.
Paul,
My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry you and your children are going through this.
Gosh - I learn something new everytime I come here.
Steele - thank you for sharing those feelings of addiction. It really helps to understand and remind myself to stay grounded and "let go" of my obsession with his gaming. It's like I became addicted to that! crazy huh? We are all human and of this earth - those feelings of addiction overide the feelings of guilt - I've learned that addicts justify their actions -just as I became addicted in the other direction, smothering and trying to control him to stop. I did not want to let go of what we had - I didn't want him to choose Enovy over me..
You are so right Paul in that it is NOT OK to act like that online when you are married or in a committed relationship - I was just trying to share how my gamer tried to "justify" the behavior. I"m sure like Steele they have some guilt about that and know what they are doing is wrong - but at least in my gamers case - being in "the game" made it ok in his mind. If he crossed the line and brought it into his personal life then it becomes something else.
I DID NOT accept this. I told my gamer it was inappropriate - and reminded him that he is married and it was not ok. This felt to me like online cheating -
Now that I am clamer about it - I told him how he broke my heart by doing that - and even if he felt it was totally innocent or part of the game- - he ripped my heart out and I hoped he would not ever do that again.
Hayley, I have faith in you and I know you are going to get thru this. Of course you are different - your growing in a new direction - You will be so much stronger because of this. I believe anytime we go thru tragic times, we find out we are much stronger than we ever were. I had to leave a 20 year marriage because he had an affair with the neighbor, who by the way was a very good friend of mine. eek... We had a child and I didn't think I'd ever survive.But I was determined to do whatever it took to make it. You are like a butterfly - although you are in a recovery cocoon - you will come out when you are ready and emerge an incredible butterfly!
Kudo's Paul for coming to the realization that you have a life to live and you have much more to offer even for yourself and your child. "Life happens while we are busy making other plans" (john lennon) and man does it go fast..
Now that I am able to detach from his addiction - I've worked hard to turn my anger and resentment into empathy and pity for his choices - and I am so glad that I don't have to deal with the pull of an addiction like he does. I am no better than him actually - I have just made different choices for my worth. I take comfort in knowing that I reached out to this site- to find help or answers for him, to understand the addiction and what he was dealing with - I know I've done all that I can so far.
enough said. I know you'll be strong.. My good thoughts and energies are directed to all of us to be strong and do what is best - no matter which side we struggle with.
k9ist
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
k9ist, thanks for that wonderful share. Yes, you are in love with this man since you have reached out to OLGA for help or answers for him. Unfortunately, I could help him is he was the one online looking for help better than if I help him through you. However, just make sure you express what you want from him. Let him know that you need to be loved and need attention that he is just wasting on a game. Let him know that you believe you deserve someone that loves you and cares for you. That might help get the ball rolling in his head that he needs to stop playing!
Mario
Thank you Mario - I know exactly what you mean - and I have mentioned this site to him. He just doesn't think he needs - but I talk about it - in a neutral way. I have let him know that it is out there. As long as I stay a little detached and don't lend my emotion to the gaming - it's easier to talk and be totally honest and share the feelings you mention - thanks for that by the way.... but it has to be the right time... You know gamers.. lol..
It's day two no gaming - I'm scared to death to say anything. It's almost strange. I don't want to make a big deal of it -we do have company coming - think he put it on "holiday" as they do in Enovy? I dont know whats happening. I"m gonna sit tight - we will have company for a week from his side of the family - I know he's anxious to see them - perhaps this will be a good distraction for him. I"m not saying he's quit - we'll just have to see. (quietly crosses her fingers)....
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
K9, It is possible I understand to put your accounts in 'holiday mode' but I have only seen this as an alternative arrangement to doing that from the other side. My wife has never been away from it long enough as far as I know to use this however she has 'looked after' up to 6 extra accounts at a time for other members of her alliance that have gone away on business or pleasure (she once was running 8 accounts simultaneously for a few weeks, imagine the time that took!). So it is possible that your partner has another player maintaining his for a while. This means he can log in to chat and check up on whats happening from time to time or be kept updated by personal email without having to do all the 'physical work' himself. I dont want to dash your hopes but having had mine shattered so many times, this seems a little too easy! Just a suggestion, watch how often he checks his email or has some other 'non gaming' reason to use the PC, that will give you a clue. I really hope for your sake that he has seen the light, there is hope if he is looking forward to the company coming and thinking of things away from evony. Have a great Christmas and good luck, will be thinking of you and everyone else with this common cause!
Paul.
Just a quick update on my situation (desperation)! As I have already posted I know since my wife 'gave up' she has continued in her old rank by taking on another account from her succesor who couldnt justify the time it was taking up to his wife and child. I knew this subconciously without any proof as her mood improved far too quickly after the devastation of breaking up her own account. I know she is hopelessly addicted and I also know she will not (if she ever faces up to it) be able to quit that easilly. I also know because underhandedly I viewed communications from her to others confirming it. I also knew because every time I called on skype she was right there at the PC to answer! I have since the day she gave up asked her directly three times if she is managing to stay away from evony and without hesitation each time she has come straight back and said yes! The last time was yesterday when we finished our skype chat at about 03.00 her time! I then saw this morning 3 reciepts for game coins on her account timed about an hour after we finished chatting - must be Christmas presents for her old friends I suppose as she has not been near the game! Now I dont mind about the money, its hers and she can spend it as she wishes - what I do mind, very much mind, is the Lies! I have made it really clear to her over the past year that she must tell me the truth. This was compounded by looking at her email account again tonight to see she has cleared a lot of the messages out during the day that incriminate her. Unfortunately my dear a case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted! I believe by asking her I have prompted some degree of guilt for her to do this - normally she doesnt delete anything. My reasons for asking her just in conversation was to give her the opportunity to be truthfull with me, in the vain hope that I could maintain some trust in her. I also believe deep down as our skype conversation a couple of days ago was so prolonged by her failing to reply to my messages (she was obviously pre occupied with the game) that she has realised I know, so since apoligising afterwards she has made a concentrated effort to keep up the flow of conversation. I think also that because when I asked her last night and said in response to her affirmative reply that this was the best Christmas present she could give me - ever, but also factually stated if she ever went back to it she must understand that I would leave as I couldnt go through anymore of what has happened this past year, that she was panicked into trying to cover her tracks. This gives me a small glimmer of hope that beneath the deception and desperation of her 'sickness' she does still attach deep down somewhere some importance to our marriage. I hope so, I really, really hope so, it is going to be an interesting conversation when I do finally get home and am able to talk her about it! Although like so many times before I doubt I will get any kind of a rational reply. The thing that worries me most though is how (if she can face up to this problem) I can ever trust her again? If she can lie to me with such ease, put effort into covering up what she is doing, how will I stop myself questioning what ever she is telling me - wondering if it is really the truth? The further this saga goes, the worse it gets! The more I think about this, even if she does manage to turn her life around the more I think that it will be impossible for either of us to return to what we once were. I am starting to realise that both of us through this experience have been so badly damaged by it that I am scared we can never properly recover - either of us! Hopefuul that make sense to others, if not I must really be going mad! I know moving out and detatching totally from this is the only way now I am going to be able to cope - I desperately hope this will finally focus her attention and that we can over time by meeting on neutral ground rebuild what we once had. I am not a gambler, which makes this even worse, it could just leave her to carry on untroubled, how I wish I could see the future now! I just wish I could wake from this nightmare and find it has not happened at all! I sadly really believe that even if she read this entire thread from begining to end, still she would consider this is my problem for not accepting what she wants to do with her life rather than any problem of hers!
Paul.
Hi Paul -
Yep - I wasn't so lucky. He was back to I'll only be a minute -"feeding a few troops" tonight. Darnit.... And I thought we were making such progress.
OH well. Thanks for your help. I'll be checking in for sure..
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
Hey Paul...my husband is addicted to Evony for 20 months. He was email and "network" obsessed for years before that. I don't want to live my life watching him watch the screen. I've detached with love, anger, angst, heartache and there's nothing happy about our situations.
My husband told me he was giving up his 4 accounts 7 months ago. He has 2 left. And he believes in Truth by Omission, if you don't answer or give a vague answer, it's the truth because you haven't really lied. I asked about the money, he said he's never spent any money, that's a lie. He goes on holiday but still checks his computer all the time. He arranges for others to run his accounts and he runs theirs.
He didn't play during the Thanksgiving holiday, I thought it was better the last few weeks, he's been more attentive and present than last year at this time BUT last night he was on until 2:30 am and it just never really gets to a point where I can honestly say "I trust you again" or "Evony's over" or "welcome back". He hasn't changed because he's not being honest with himself or me or anyone including his alliance. They see him the way he presents not in REAL LIFE. And the "new" alliance has a facebook page. Evony still is the priority and I'm not.
I'm still in my marriage but I'm different now. It's taken this site and alot of soul searching to detach and find myself. I don't have children so it's a little different for me, I can leave the house at any time to remove myself from the presence of Evony and that's what I do. Most of my family is out of town so I have count on myself.
I hope the same thing for you, and all the addicts, that I hope for myself...that our loved ones can beat the addiction and come back to real life.
Be strong!
K9Kist; I am so sorry to hear your news, personnally I find the 'I will cut it down' 'I have quit' or the times that my dear wife can reduce her online involvement the hardest and most stressful of all. Why? Because I am constantly hoping that this will be the breakthrough, this will be the time when everything comes good. Consequently you cant really believe it, I am happy but sort of aprehensive, almost not being able to believe yourself that you are happy - and then wham! Right back into it! It has been on a romantic night out at a resturant where on the return home she has gone straight to the laptop to check evony, When I have left the house to do something and then when you come home she is still in her nightclothes at the laptop. I get my hopes up and then they are dashed! It is a sort of torture, and as far as she is concerned she is only spending a bit of time playing a stupid game!
Haymal; Sounds like you have done the right things - detatching, something that so far I have failed. However reading your posts just reinforces my feelings about detatching but staying 'in the marriage' in the same house. I never got married to be detatched, maybe I havn't been so good over the years at showing my wife we are joined but that has always been my feeling even when I have been working away to try to make sure we have a reasonable standard of living. Why would I want and it seems so far I cant manage, to detatch? I married her to be with her and to have that companionship so for me if I am to detatch I cant just stay with her in the same house - I am going to have to get away to be able to forget what she is doing and concentrate on my life. I cant be detatched and have her behaving as she does right under my nose. Even when I am away because I still consider we are 'joined' I worry myself about what is happening. The only way I can detatch is to draw a line and move the other side of it. To just tell myself that I dont care what she does, its her loss, let her get on with it and come to an end in her own time just hasnt worked. I just cant see myself remaining with a 'body' that has no connection with me and spares me a few minutes or sometimes hours as and when I demand it! If that is the case that I have to impose on her to do things with me rather than she desires to do things with me I may as well be on my own, away from her and free of any obligation to her. I understand where you are coming from but listening to your description of your relationship right now (which is pretty much as mine I suppose give or take) I want more than that. I want evony out, I want us as a couple rather than a three way split and I want her personality back. If I cant see positive honest progress towards that then I may as well not be there at all. That may sound selfish but I didnt marry evony and when I married her she didnt carry with her this overiding loyalty and responsibility to countless other geeks in her alliance. She certainly was not engaged in inuendo and chat with other guys across the world and recieving emails from them declaring love and devotion either. She has chosen this, I havn't had a say. It's no evony or no way! I dont think I can put my feelings now any simpler than that.
Paul.
Well said Paul. I didn't get married to be "detached" either. I don't believe that is why you get married! Life is really really short - I don't want to share it with Enovy either...
For what it's worth - try and have a
Happy Holiday.
k9kist
"Wag more bark less"
My Partner of 26 years quit Evony!
I thought, at last. Then she walked out not only the game but her life.
She would sit 18-24 hours a day in some type of private chat.
I even joined the game to be with her.
I am shattered, I blame the constant emotional affairs that occur both in the game whispers and Skype etc. She has blocked Evony and also me, her home, her pets the lot, form her mind.
I am at a loss and a total emotional wreck.
It is not the game itself that I see as the problem, but the people that play with other peoples minds. It is easy for them to continuosly flirt and tell the other person how wonderful they are and how they would treat them if they met in Real life. I think there are a lot of extremley ill people that play these online games. And if they are not ill when they first start, they soon will be. Suddenly real life becomes a boring bad place and the virtual world takes over.
I have know idea what to do next :( I have lost my long time partner and friend because of Evony.
Sorry if this was the wrong place to post.
I will blame Evony forever.
Rolf:
I was in your situation last year. Please read through my posts, and in particular read the advice that others on OLG-Anon gave me.
While I did not get my wife back (I really did not want her back, after her many affairs), I am happy now.
Is it possible she "quit Evony" because you joined the game?
Best of luck.
Thanks firstlife
I will and am reading other posts, I just get a little lost around this site at the moment.
I don't think she quit Evony because of me joining, I think it was due to the mind games that so many play within the game. Classic Evony terminologies, back stabber, liars etc got to her.
As the game progresses and people seek more and more attention, players are tempted to start talking in world chat, which results in all the idiots that have nothing better to do, to start abusing other players. Although the abusive talk does not bother some, others like my partner are very sensitive and take each comment personally.
Being very concious of the fact that it is almost three months since my last post and at that time my 'story' was left hanging, I think now is the time for an update as much has happened!
Firstly I returned home on 28th Dec which was to be our Cristmas Eve, I was on an early flight so reached home at 09.30. During the trip from the airport I wasnt able for some reason to get my phone to connect so I didnt call or text, my wife did however know roughly what time I would be there. She would normally collect me from the railway station but as the weather was fine and most of the snow had gone I decided to walk to the house. During the whole journey home I had been speculating what I would find when I arrived (desperately hoping that all would be well). Walking in the front door showed the living room to be in dissarray with the children scattered around in various activities, them telling me mum was still in bed. The kitchen was worse with the dishes from the dinner they had with my wife's mother 3 days earlier still piled dirty in the sink. My heart sank and I knew then I could take this no longer. I set to cleaning the place up and after about 45 minutes my wife came down, we exchanged pleasantries and chatted for a while and when the place was tidy I went to get some sleep being shattered after the journey home. I got up around tea time and after the children had gone to bed we made final preparations for 'Christmas Day' everyone had elected not to open their presents until I got home (which was good because my wife had spent so much time on evony she had not had time to wrap them all!). Preparations and assistance with wrapping completed we went to bed. Our 'Christmas Day' was good with a nice meal and some familly fun and laughs but all the while I was wondering how best to tackle my planned departure. Things were actually pretty good, we were getting along OK and there was little evidence of evony so I assumed the arrangement was working and others were holding the fort for her, this made it difficult (for me anyway) to find the right moment to broach the subject and it dragged past new year before I finally decided how to tackle it. I had talked to her, we had argued, I had emailed, texted, talked over Skype but whatever I had done previously ended in rows, drama and a resolute failiure to really acknowledge what she was doing. Eventually we had an evening alone and I dont know how this fits with the ethics of this site but I logged in and opened up my post and asked her if she would mind reading something and then handed her the laptop. It took a little over an hour for her to read tight lipped the entire post from beginning to end. When she finished she handed the laptop back and just said there is nothing worse than a reformed smoker! However it opened the conversation which turned out to be much calmer than any discussion about evony we had ever had, I sensed she still felt that my views were unjustified and those of others who had commented here distorted but she said clearly there was no choice, she didnt want me to leave and that she would finish with evony for good. She logged in, sent messages handing over and deleted her account! Having been here before over the next few days I monitored things and from the messages sent and recieved on facebook she had obviously kept her word but confirmed my suspicions that she still didnt really understand my views by telling one of her former players that she didnt really want to give up, but she had been married a long time and whilst 'it wasnt great' she would stick with it, and that she realised that I was deadly serious and it was either evony or the marriage. Another message explained the game coins - she had paid for coins for other players in her alliance that couldnt afford to keep up! As I had forced her hand again things between us were not quite as good as they had been but it was obvious she was making considerable effort. A great first step! my next worry was that as soon as I returned to work at the end of the month her resolve would slip, she was still getting facebook messages from other players updating her on what was happening and asking advice and she was still showing interest in her responses. I had previously invited her to come out to work with me but she had always found a multitude of excuses, not wanting to travel alone, couldnt leave the dog, the kids etc. So I broke these down by getting our older daughter still living at home to agree to look after the younger one (older has a car so transport to music lessons etc was covered) the dog was booked into kennels and she agreed to come with me if she was booked on the same flights and we travelled together. My reasons were threefold, I wanted her to see how my life is at work, because of the nature of the place she would need to accompany me a lot of the time and she would see it for what it is and not form the glamourous perceptions it is easy to hold. I wanted to make sure that she was occupied and not tempted to return to evony and lastly but most importantly I wanted us to get some time together to try to improve our relationship away from the children and what she knows as every day life. So she came, reluctantly at first I have to say but having been with me for a couple of weeks I could see her attitude changing, she was more comfortable being here and with me, she was much more relaxed and her mood improved drastically and she was taking an interest in things outside the computer. I managed to get some reasonable time where I showed her some of the sights, we explored some places that although I have been working here a couple of years I had never been. We went to some fantastic resturants followed by moonlit strolls on sandy beaches beneath the palms. At the end of the month she didnt want to go home! Over the period she had internet access and use of my laptop but I was seeing the evony messages diminishing rapidly to zero.
Unfortunately my leave was cut short and we only had a couple of weeks at home before I had to come back and I have been back at work alone now for a week and she has been back in the old hum drum home life for the same time. However Skype chats are now more two way without the frustrating delays in reply and her mood still seems good and it is a few days short of 10 weeks since she has been anywhere near evony! At the moment I have only one nagging concern and that is contrary to the experience of others on here. One of the 'gentlemen' from the game she was engaged in raunchy chats with, from the States, made a concentrated effort to track her down and befriend her on facebook as soon as she quit evony, reminding her of the 'good times' they had shared and inviting her to chat again 'some time'. Regrettably she has accepted this 'friendship' and I am waiting to see if it dies out also as evony appears to have done or develops over time into a substitute! So far all that appears to have happened is for him to post four comments on her photo's and wall so I am hopefull but still very wary having been bitten so many times, only time will tell! I can only watch and wait.
Overall this has been a devastating experience, something I could never have imagined would happen. Through it I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, about relationships and about values. It has caused me to examine in fine detail my inner feelings about fidelity, truth and the importance of trust. It has taught me about the nature of addiction, how easy it is for addicts to lie and decieve and most importantly how it has changed me as a person and the way I feel about relationships having been exposed to this situation. Finally, sadly perhaps I am not convinced that this will ever be truly over as although life appears to be returning to 'normal' my wife has never been able to acknowledge that her behaviour was detrimental to those around her. I dont need an apology or admission of guilt, just a simple statement or indication that she realises the hurt she caused the children and myself would go so far. It is difficult to forgive a hurt when there is no acknowledgement of hurt caused. I think I will now always carry with me suspicion and doubt whenever I see her using a computer that evony or something else has crept back in the door.
So there it is - the story - so far!
Paul.
Paul.
Wow, this is so powerful. I compliment you for the great progress both of you have done. There's still hope, keep it up.
Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.
Obviously this is not the site for you, like20pandas, if you think it is helpful to visit and condemn people for expressing themselves. Telling people to , "grow a pair." Is not helpful or productive. If you choose to return you will need to comment in ways that dont belittle or humiliate people, that is not what happens here.
Moved.
To give a perspective from someone who does enjoy the game perhaps a little too much, the question is what void is this game filling up in your spouse's life? That should be the starting point of the conversation. Every addiction is a response to something that is lacking. We overdo something to compensate for what is lacking.
I wish everyone the very best
Sorry to hear your story. It's great that people here understand.
Never believe that a spell caster or quack guru can help in this situation.
I wanted to thank you for your post because it makes me feel less alone in my own difficulties with my own husband.
I am sorry to say I don't have any advice, but, at least there is the consolation that your children are nearly all grown, and this all went down outside their formative years. In the end, aren't children the most important thing in a marriage, and, if that is successfully finished, then, perhaps it is possible for you to just make friends outside of marriage or take up other interests, volunteering, etc., and emotionally decouple, but still be a supportive husband.
I don't know, maybe nobody is actually capable of that.
Alice