Drowning

This is a novel and I apologize. I just want to share what's  weighing me down and ask for anyone with advice to reach out. I feel like I'm lost in a labyrinth and I'm running out of time. 
 While dating my husband, he would occasionally play Xbox to blow off steam, especially on his nights off when I was asleep. After we got engaged, he received a computer from a friend.  He started connecting with lots of friends he'd lost touch with and it started taking up more of his time. I unexpectedly lost my sweet young dog very tragically and was dealing with extreme sadness in the weeks and months after his death. My fiance started staying up later and later to play games while I cried myself to sleep and fell into an ugly depression. My dog had always cuddled with me and now I was utterly alone in the bed as my fiance was missing as well. I finally asked why he was absent so much and that I felt lonely. He informed me he was dealing with the dog's death in his own way and needed a distraction; I was told I was being selfish to think it only affected me and he needed to mourn as well. He also informed my mother and best friend that I was being nasty to him and not myself. He downloaded an online game he could play from his cell soon after. He slowly began playing the game more and more, and I realized he had started making friends with people on the game. He'd reference people by their online gaming handle, and started referring to his own when talking about himself. He started contacting folks on discord and even shared phone numbers for easier contact. I discovered he was purchasing credits, boosters and other game additions on our credit card. I spoke to him and explained we didn't have the money to afford those type of puchases and he agreed he'd stop. We were trying to afford a wedding at the time and were saving as much as possible. I then noticed random purchases showing up on his bank card. I confronted him again, as I handle all of our finances. He was furious I accessed his account without his permission - he proceeded to change his password and informed me he deserved to have something that was "only his" and that I didn't have a say in. His ex wife has ruined his credit and he worried about money - never mind I had helped pay off all his debts, borrowed money from my mom to cover some large costs, and recover his credit score. I added him to all my accounts and made sure he could always get what he needed and wanted. He said everything was always for his ex wife and though he used to be good with money, he had been soured with her endless spending and expectations - her 6 grand engagement ring is something I ended paying off after it went to collections. He told me I was being critical and he needed to be able to buy things for this game as it was "his only outlet for all the stress he deals with at work". 

He also stated he doesn't ask for anything and I should understand he needs distraction. We started regularly fighting about how much he was on his phone and distracted. His answer always became that I blamed the games for our troubles and I was too controlling. His family, my family and close friends had all noticed his phone was always turned sideways playing games, and he was distracted and missed most everything that was said. He’d claim people hadn’t told him something, even though he just wasn’t hearing it. He stopped responding to texts, group chats and messages because he claimed he just was too busy to read them all. He said if someone really needed something, he'd see it. His own family started contacting me direct to ask him to call or answer questions because he never responded/took days or weeks to acknowledge. Whenever I mentioned feeling like the games and the people in them matter more than anything else in his life, he told me I'm overreacting or being irrational, don't understand the stress he's under, and place the blame on the game when I have "nothing else to complain about". He’d stay up all night long to play to with his friends, screaming and laughing so loud he’d wake me up. Even when getting up for work at 4 am, he wouldn’t get to bed before midnight. Our fights continued to escalate. I married him even though I was warned by friends and family this would get worse. My family was particularly upset he bought me a $100 engagement ring - his mom told me how good it was he wasn’t wasting money on something like a ring - she had a several carat plus ring on her finger from her 4th husband. I had a custom ring designed that he has worn less than a dozen times. He specifically told me how much he desired this type ring to show how much I cared. He’d promise he would slow down and be more present, go several weeks at a time playing less, then ramp back up and we were right back to where we started. He ended up deciding to purchase a new computer rig for a steal of 2grand, and informed me it was the last big purchase for a long time. He began altering his sleeping schedule to make sure he didn’t miss key events in the game, and joined a “council” to be more involved with everything. He started having regular meetings he’d have to attend virtually so they could plan. When he wasn’t playing, he was telling people about the game or looking up stuff on YouTube or gaming sites to improve. I noticed he started acting weird, distant, and just overall off - I would have sworn he was cheating if he hadn’t told me that’s the one thing he could never forgive in a partner after his ex wife broke their vows and broke his heart. Everything else we could work through, but cheating was a dealbreaker and something that had torn his childhood apart. When I asked what was wrong, for months he told me nothing and that I was just making things up that weren’t there. 

While working from home one day, I noticed his discord account was flashing on his computer. Curious I opened it and received the shock of my life. He was communicating with a girl, telling her he loved her and how much she meant to him. He was sharing things going on in his life, his worries and concerns, and pictures of himself that I had never seen(and some that were several years out of date). I confronted him immediately and he stated it was nothing more than friendship. I didn’t believe him and said love was a word reserved for his wife, not a friend from an online game. I discovered they’d traded numbers and he’d been talking to her on the phone. I’d accidentally caught him talking to her while he was in the garage, while I was upstairs, and walked in unexpectedly one afternoon. When asking who he had been talking to, he stated a friend he hasn’t talk to in a while. His mother informed me he’d always been very close with his female friends, using the term love and calling them sweetheart and other pet names even when not dating. He was such a sweet boy and was so kind to women. I didn’t care at all - you don’t have highly emotional conversations with another woman, calling her babe, beautiful and sexy, saying you love her, that you miss her voice, and “have no boundaries” and would tell her anything. He fought with me and stated it was only friendship but would “back off”. That I was making something out of a very innocent friendship. He wrote her a message on discord and let her know they needed space as it made me “uncomfortable”. He also made a point to tell me she wasn’t in country, so it’s not like he physically had done anything. One week later, I had a bad feeling. I opened his game on his computer, and found he’d not only continued talking with her, and had informed her I needed to cool down but he didn’t want to lose her very special friendship, I found yet another conversation with another woman. This one was x rated, his special “succubus”, talking about wanting to feel how wet she was for him, what a sexy nympho she was and how he’d like her to beg, toys she should buy and how she could crack walnuts, naked pictures and him finally asking if she wanted to be his “official fling”. Apparently that was normal in the game to have. I took pictures of everything. I discovered they’d been deleting previous conversations, so I have no idea how deep it had gotten/everything they had said. It’s probably best I don’t. He had created a secret discord account after she suggested it so I wouldn’t be able to “snoop”, and as she she told him, he was so patient to put up with my nosiness. They discussed how I wasn’t there for him and didn’t give him what he needed. He also told her about me trying to love on him and it just not being what he wanted. He told her how upset I was finding the messages from the OTHER girl and how I just didn’t care about him. I was 5.5 months pregnant with his baby at this time. I found out they had been having “viritual” sex, sharing pictures and video. I found messages of a guy congratulating him on these hot chicks and why wasn’t he meeting up with “S” while she was in country that week. My husband responded “if only she were closer but she was just too far to make it happen on such short notice”. (He’d later say this was just guy talk and he absolutely did not mean it). After I started breathing again, I texted him at work and told him he needed to find a place to stay for a while until we could make arrangements. I stated nothing about what I found. He proceeded to call me dozen of times, leaving messages begging me to pick up. He had a complete breakdown, left work, drove home and got on his hands and knees and sobbed. He begged for forgiveness and swore he was at fault. Looking back, If I wasn’t pregnant, I don’t think I would have caved, but stupidly, I agreed to work on our marriage. He agreed to counseling. We went for several months and reached the point the therapist told him he needed to forgive himself. We never talked about what happened in depth with the counselor and I felt it was all just swept under the rug. We just talked about being a better person. I informed him and the therapist, though I could forgive, I could never forget what had occurred. I was told I had the wrong attitude and I needed to get over it. I’ve tried to regain normalcy but I truly feel he prefers spending time on his games than being with me in any way (physically, emotionally).  He cannot wait until I go to bed at night so he can get on his computer (he pushes bedtime, even when I’m in the middle of something), and he stays there until dawn. I spend most days talking to his forehead as he bends over playing on his phone, even when we go to dinner or an event. I get “mmhhm” and “yeah” responses when trying to talk to him about important things, and even after asking him to be in the moment with me.  When I say anything about my feelings and how much I’m hurting, he tells me I’ve got it all wrong and he loves me and our child more than anything and I’m still making games the scapegoat for my problems and insecurities. Every time he seems weird or distant now, I wonder who is on his mind. His games always left me feeling like I was competing with another woman for his attention and time. Now I know that’s exactly it, and there even is actually flesh and blood on the other side to tempt him. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he asked if we could take a vacation(leaving our child at home) to the big city, on a specific date. He then revealed he wants to meet several of the guys he’s known for years now from the game who are all deciding to meet up that weekend. The cost alone should have deterred him (he has the best in everything for his computer, and we recently just purchased updated monitors because he got a “deal”), but the fact remains we are on a very tight budget and I haven’t visited my family who lives hundreds of miles away for 4 years due to time and money constraints. But for his beloved gamer pals, he’s willing to cost us thousands.

I’ve talked to him and explained I’m sorry that I’ve hurt him by hating his games but that I don’t know how to continue to feel like he’s not an active part of my daughter and my’s life. I’ve explained if things don’t change, I can’t continue living like this together. He told me if I’d just “get off his ass and quit nagging him” things would change for the better. He specifically has told me previously I need to talk to him about what’s bothering me and quit hiding my emotions, which I’m really working through on my end. I just don’t understand why I get mocked and create a huge fight whenever I try to tell him when he’s become a slave to the games again and I feel utterly alone.  I’m wrong when I talk to him about it, and I’m wrong when I don’t express that I’m upset. I feel like I’m in an absolute no win situation whenever I try to talk to him and figure out how we can find a happy medium in the marriage so we’re both getting what we need. 

I realize my marriage is most likely over and I made this bed. I just don’t understand, or rather, I’m unable, to wrap my head around virtual games meaning more to a person than real humans and sacrificing marriage, family and future for the thrill they provide. I miss the person I fell in love with, how he treated me and how we were together. It’s like I have a roommate, not a spouse anymore, and I have to put up with all the problems it creates on my own. I’m hurting and disappointed and angry that I feel utterly powerless.