When we first got together, we were more active. Hiked, went on trips. We fell for each other quickly and moved in quickly (a few months). I was sure I found the one.
I didn't notice back then that whenever he wasn't involved with doing something with me, he was on a screen. I didn't notice back then that everything fun that occurred, it was my idea and I just brought him along.
8 months in I had to spend time away from home frequently due to caring for a parent with a terminal illness. In this time, he would take care of the animals while I was gone, but not very well, and not do much else. He stopped bathing regularly, smells regularly. He stopped brushing teeth regularly. He was slightly more active before (maybe did an errand every other day) but now doesn't do that much. Rarely leaves the house without me unless to go get fast food.
I have tried to talk about emotions, actions, behaviors, all to no avail. To him it is normal to never go to the doctor or dentist, and to live in filth, and to be on a screen all waking hours. He does not work - he is independently wealthy and simply is on screens playing games, watching movies, reading tech articles all day every day. He says I do not accept him for who he is. Who he is, according to him, is someone who loves computers. He tells me this is how he wants to live his life. He has no ambition or desire for anything other than this.
He has no one he sees in person except me. He has 2 online friends he has known for many years, whom he video chats with frequently, but no hobbies other than the computer and no friends in person. He has nothing interesting to talk about. He does not want to join me in social activities. He will join me in activities that are just he and I, or activities where he can "zone out" on his phone while I socialize.
Now a year and a half in I feel no joy or excitement. I have always wanted a family but I would never get pregnant with this person with how he lives his life. Not that I want to have sex anymore - who could be attracted to someone unable to take care of themselves much less anyone else, and never has any date plans or does anything for me? Other than very specific "feed the dog" "walk the dog" "wash the dishes in the sink" which I have to remind every time - nothing is done without me asking. And the amount of times I have smelled the pit stench or bad breath, I don't know if I can ever feel attracted to him again.
It is hard for me to fathom leaving him since I do care about him and he cares about me. I just don't see how we in any way have anything in common and I am unhappy. I do not enjoy being at home. He never leaves the house and I never get alone time either, despite asking him to at least give me a few hours a week in the house alone. He says he will, but doesn't.
I want a partner who cares about growth, health, and doing something good in the world. I want a partner who I feel my best self with. With him I do not feel my best self. I feel troubled all the time and distracted and inefficient and stunted. But, also, this is the first time I have been in a stable relationship (previous partners were addicts, abusers).
Looking for people to commiserate with, talk with, connect with. Wish there were a group like this in person. I hate spending time on computers when I don't have to.
On the forum we hear about these stories where the gamer puts an effort on during the "honeymoon period" and then they revert to type.
There is a Maya Angelou quote which goes something like " when a person shows you who they are, believe them" . You know how the rest of your life will play out if you stay. From what you have written, you don't want to settle for this. He may throw you a line once you say you are leaving and have your foot in the door, but he's likely to revert to type again later and not fulfill any promises to make significant change.
Most partners will want to be clean for their mate if intimacy is to occur. Relationships are negotiated and if a compromise is not acceptable you are free to walk.
Go after what you really want in life, whatever that is. Don't waste it. All the best.
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I understand.
Alice