just need to say that there is a lot of change in my life since 2 months ago. Now that ive allowed the Hp of my understanding to enter and help me work a program I am finding peace, even if life isnt given me what i want or think i need, Today ive experenced a new found joy to what life is throwing at me, and I am grateful, even if it doesnt look pretty, it starting to feel good. Thanks OLGA
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Its not the game that is your problem. You game so you can escape your problems in real life. Thats why its so hard to stop play too. Because when you stop playing you feel all stress and problems in real life and then you want to escape them.
Dont know whats up but am feeling some grief and regrets.
Suppose its alright, it makes sense there are alot of things while gaming that didnt happen the way they could have if I wasnt escaping one mouse click at atime. So I went out dancing tonight by myself, as I did last week: having a great time, but this time i felt pretty misrable, or atlest several feels at once that im not to clear about. Ive had a bit of a better understanding of this process for myself this week. Ive noticed that when feelings come up that i dont really know I label them something not so good, this seems to snowball things as my thinking is quite stinking. now Im left confused thinking im feeling sad or despair when it very well might be hate or joy or regret or love. I just dont seem to have a great grasp of a large range of acurate feelings... Well any way im in a relationship living together for over a year now, but she couldnt come out tonight as she is in florida. Needless to say there are atractive women around, but ive never cheated before and dont plan to. Yet early on in the night some "hottie" came on to me big time on the dance floor and it triggered alot of stuff, hence my eariler part of this journal. I just wanted to dance, its something that usally regenerates my beingness/spirit. I first I think I was scared, then I think I was ashamed then more fear then alot of confusion, then I think I can say the rest of the night my dis-ease was what really make things worse, and well i didnt have a great time. Its not that I cant dance friendly with women etc, but this was overtly sexual and alittle forceful, and still I feel so very uneasy, it feels like a life time of stuff that is all mixed up. So here i am at 240 am, writing away, I dont want to game but I most definatly need help to move through these feelings. I think Im punishing myself for being attracted and liking it, then the fear of losing my current GF, or more importantly being like my unfaithful Dad...wow that feels like a uncomfortable winner. its confusing, on one hand im denying myself the expereience of being a man and alive and on the Im so scared to be bad, i dont know if this even makes any sense, but better writen here then rotting in my mind. Well im prety tired, I guess thats a good thing to notice as I hadnt noticed before. Also Im a bit sadden that i will not be able to make the OLGA meeting tommorrow as I have a job training, so I just want to free myself as much as I can from this fn dis-ease. Im gonna do some prayers, and pray for the willingness to accept some ease in mylife today... May you all be happy and well.
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Oneday, sending some positive thoughts and prayers across the miles to you. I'm glad you've been doing more with your face to face fellowship too.
Y'know there is a passage I've quoted ad nauseum that comes to mind, about how if we are truly sorry and learn from our mistakes, that they can be put to good use, but if our actions continue to harm others we are headed for danger. It sounds like you are willing to have this put to good use.
I'm not a guy, so don't have any thoughts or suggestions for what you are going through right now, but I'm sure some of the other guys here may have thoughts for you.
There are some days we just feel like crap. Those are the days I have to remember that the literature I read tells me it's when we feel fear, anger, resentment, not IF. Another place it mentions that "Many of the old problems will still be with you, and this is as it should be. For thus you will be learning to live." (I think that's in family afterward.)
Also, I think you mentioned someplace that you had started doing your step work on the gaming--for me personally I really feel like this malady is almost like a living creature with its own survival instinct. Sure it's cunning, baffling, powerful, and even patient--but I think everytime we take a step forward toward making living conditions inhospitable for it, the malady gets scared and tries to put up a fight. The place this really comes out is often the 4th and 5th step, people start feeling all fidgety and awkward, especially right before doing their 5th. It's almost as if that malady knows its days are numbered, and it puts up an incredible fight.
My sponsor likes to tell me it's the struggles like this, if I apply steps & principles and move through them, that turn into experience that makes me uniquely qualified to work with others. Be assured this is not for nothing; every day you grow through your application of steps & principles and do your best (although we may feel inadequate) is being useful to someone else.
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Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
So ive been offered two jobs today, both part time but its pretty awesome having gone almost 4 months with out a steady job. Id never have thought Id be train to be a Med Tech at a rehab, so for the next 2 weeks ill be full time there for training then ill have 3 shifts untill more open up, this is all very cool, as it was depressing before i was looking for retail crap jobs, and to be so gifted with what could be a career? Anyway id definitetly not have dont this if it wasnt for the power of the program, id still be gaming wondering why iwasnt getting a job...thank God im recovering... Food time...
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
So ive been offered two jobs today, both part time but its pretty awesome having gone almost 4 months with out a steady job. Id never have thought Id be train to be a Med Tech at a rehab, so for the next 2 weeks ill be full time there for training then ill have 3 shifts untill more open up, this is all very cool, as it was depressing before i was looking for retail crap jobs, and to be so gifted with what could be a career? Anyway id definitetly not have dont this if it wasnt for the power of the program, id still be gaming wondering why iwasnt getting a job...thank God im recovering... Food time...
Yay!!!!!! Happy dance!
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Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
I haven't been around much and haven't gotten to read your updates till now, but they are wonderful indeed. Your recovery is inspiring, even to people further along. It sounds like you're doing well, and I'm glad to hear it. :)
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"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -Jonothan Kozol
So i started today for training as a med tech, for a part time job...when i showed up they wanted to now if id likefull time...yes indeed! So im tired , excited, nervous, hunger, and did i mention tired, but its all good...One day at a time
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
I loved reading your stories and of course I should know what to do as I am a recovering alcoholic and through the help of AA and the Big Book I have stayed away from the first drink one day at a time for the last 17years. However, I do have an aditctive personality and I have now found online gambling a problem. I know feel I need help with this. It hasnt taken everything away from me yet, BUT, I could be heading that way, and like the DEMON alcohol, I need support and understanding from like minded people. x
Today is my 5th day of training at my new job, boy is it different, working a "normal Job" its been a long time for me since ive done his. Its been good, strange but overall very good. im certainly looking forward to payday :) Just for today im not thinging about video games, boy what a relief! Im now focused on my recover "being restored to whole'' which is really nice since ive ben so spread out and messed up for so long. I am really looking forward to addressing my core disease, i was working well into my 2nd step, but it has been more challenging this past week do to work time, but atlest i got some done, plus ive made some RL meetings which has really been a big help. Sadly i will not be able to make tonights meeting here on OLGA, it kinda was my homegroup for almost the first 2 months, but god has a plan and currently thats not part of it for me... :( Anyway I am blessed regardless of what my dis-eased body,mind, spirit tells me. Just for today I will remember i have a disease not a moral defect, and will continue to learn to apply and treat myself with loving-kindness. Most people tend to treat themselves this way when they are sick, why do we do otherwise?...
May you all be happy and well....
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
just hanging in there, learning this new job is tough, but i will make it through one day at at time. Just checking in to see how everyone here is doing, im hoping at my new job afterive learned what I need to do there, i can spend more time here, since we are alowed to, if nothing is happening...
Thank God for God is my topic for today!
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Hi Oneday, so glad to hear back from you! I'm glad things are going well with your job and that you are doing well! I meant to add a congratulations on your 10 weeks!
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Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
so its been a little whilesince ive posted, life is happening and im a part of it now. Funny how that happens when you stop running from it... Yesterday I passed my certification test for being a Med Tech at work, so that is good. Ive alos been really active in RL meetings both AA & NA im tring to do another 90 meetings in 90 days, so far im just a little behind its been 25 meeting in 35 day... but im feeling really strong, working my program. ive been alittle stuck on writing my 2nd sep im about midway through. im tottaly getting a whole new experience and perspective around it. Coming to believe this time is taken a new level of responsiblity for me. I am very grateful and im learning alot about how my EGO is working against me and how i mistaken my EGO as me. Boy ohh boy im going to go very far in this program, cause i have a long way to go! I just want to share how much i owe OLGA for my current recovery, I really couldnt have done this on my own, i was so sick and lost. I suffered greatly. Yet we do recover One Day at a Time
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
My cat that has kidney disease has taken a turn for the worse today. He was doing really well the last month, really really well. Im so numb right now. Actually the last time i relasped from my own "white knuckling" was when i had to deal with the onset of his illness. it was in july this year. I escaped with the whole facebook gaming thing. then by he grace of a power greater than me I googled game addcition and he then this site...today marks my 14th week away from oblivion. Im also feeling kinda sad, the person i agreed to sponsor, left a OLGA for no known reason. we were gonna work through email and messenger but he soped using it, and now has posted he isnt coming here anymore. This is sad to me. so I guess its just gonna be a bit of hard feelings for me tonight. But I guess it makes sense with the holiday tommorrow. This is a time of year when ive experienced hardships in the past around all the holidays. Wow I feel skattered, shakened and stirred. this shall past this shall past...breath breath breath. Im worried about the vet being closed and having to take my cat to the emergency hospital. which for me scares me as im very protective of my cat, and im worried about the $. it was close to 1200$ last time, at the normal vet. and i work 32 hours a week at 12.5 an hour. $1200 is about what i make in a month! I feel so powerless....right which is why i log on tonight...I wanted to escape on a game, but chose here instead...just for today i am not gonna video out, maybe tommorrow but not today.... maybe ask my mom for some $ and go to the vet? I need help...I do not feel ready to lose my baby espiecaly after he was doing so well. gonna find out how much the vet is, and just for today im not gonna plug in to a game, I pray!
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
*hugs* I understand where you're coming from in terms of the cats. I have four of my own, and their health problems can be quite troubling. You might want to look into whether or not your vet accepts CareCredit (I think it's called that - it's a line of credit just for vet bills) and see about applying for it.
I know it is tough to see how people come and go from this site. It's hard to put a piece of yourself out there, trying to help someone, and then have them never return. But there will always be addicts who need your help. Sooner or later you will come across someone who is really ready to stop and work the steps seriously.
You're doing great, Oneday, and I know everyone here is proud of you and wishes you the best.
I wish you and your cat all the best. Difficult decisions arise from looking after sick pets, mainly because of the money involved. Good luck, and (I don't normally do this...but) *BIGHUGZ*!
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
I just read this thread, OneDay. Thanks for it. Lots of gems of recovery in here. I hope your cat is ok. If he isn't, please know that you don't have to use over it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. Mine has kidney disease as well, we just found out. Hang in there. Tough times like these are tests of how strong we really are. If you make it through this still strong in your program then you know you're doing really good. If it is your cat's time to pass, I hope it's a gentle one.
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"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -Jonothan Kozol
Hit a wall but back again just for today, ill repost my story of the last year and a half, soon enough im going to go to meeting soon for another aspect of my disease. but i wanted to post again as this was a powerful tool for me, when i first started. I forgot, I forgot alot, and i relasped, the last 6+ minths havent been very good for me. I discovered LOTRO, hundreds of $ and thousands of hours later...well im sure if your a gamer you can fill in the blank of it, i played today at noon, attended the 3pm skype meeting and deleted Lotro, my other game cds have been given away afew months ago. anyway im not as beat up as i could be, truth is about 2 months ago i started using tools of a spiritual practice and 2 weeks ago upped my 12 meetings, so with pray and surender gaming slowed down alot since sept, so im hoping withdrawls will be less... but frankly im bored, it actually is that simple. holiday was good, i guess there is some strong feeling as a close personall friend and also my brother are getting their butts kicked with drugs, so especial as i write i can see the tip of the ice breg of emotions im trying to run from.
Im sick, sickly sick. but im hoping that with contiued effort and God ill be able to arrest my suffering and make good changes in my life. I just get stuck in the attitude of " i dont care" and its painful to expereince and i often run, the problem is im running from the problem of running...insanity at its best if i may say.
Looking at my last post it brings up some strong emotions my, sadly my pet died and it was a very hard time for me, also because i had alot of tough other issues going... Mostly im sad i stopped using OLGA, frankly i dont know why, forgetfulness and unmanagbility... the important thing is im here now, that i attended a meeting today for olga and im on my way to a NA meeting now, also its good to state i uninstaled my game, which i wanted to do for over 2 weeks now but couldnt do it...so progress. i hope to stay game free one day at a time and hope i stay connected, as i know with out doubt that the steps and OLGA works, i just need to remember it and do it. much love to you all.
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Get to a lot of meetings both here and NA..get that sponsor; begin the steps again.
Don't beat yourself up; we have all been there and done that.
You know more about the addiction than you ever did; so you will have more to share and help others. Plus, you know what it means to relapse, etc.
Try journaling for those boring I-don't-know-what-to-do moments. Nothing beats boredom than good solid work: write out an inventory for each of the steps, starting with Step 1.
Just a few suggestions.
Glad to see you at the meeting today! We have another Skype on Wednesday. :)
so im a full day plus, feeling feeling and am a bit cranky and phycals sour, may have as much to do with xmas deserts i consumed yeterday! I feel hopful, ill be leaving to orlando FL, thurdays for a 10 day seminar, a spiritual pratical, pretty cool stuff, when im not wasting my life gaming that is! I wont have a cpu, as i dont own a laptop, which i im looking at a good detox, ill see if i can get a friend to post while im away, and i plan to post again tomorrow and make the skype meeting if i can. Its deffinately a one day at a time process/program. I Admit im powerless over games!!! The big one and the little ones and the the ones in between, and my life goes completely unmanagable using them. Spiritually, mentally and physically and other diementions im sure too! I just need to change my thinking, that is completely upside down, Im spending so much time looking at things from a darkside, I see all the proplems with the world...DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM< and wonder why i feel depressed and want to check out. But frankly im not acknowledging the good things and feeling gratitude for what i have which, in so many ways is far bettter than likely 99% of the worlds population, yet im an ungrateful chap, granted a sick and suffering one, but.... no buts im just suffering from a disease that can be arrested if i reach out for help and do what recovery suggests me to do. This too shall pass..... Celebrate the day Folks!
PS: is there a spell check with this chat app, if so where and how do i use it?
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Made it to the gym, which is good :) Sadly missed the 10pm meeting, I just read my posts from the beginning to now, sucks I Fd up. My disease layed me out cold, and it wasnt just the gaming aspect, though im still clean, i got so co-dependant with the clients when i was working at the rehab, when i wasnt working i was taking them to meetings, on the phone with them, my life spiraled, but i couldnt see it, My network slowly became newcomers, and though i was doing alot of recovery i forgot about me,
Alot has changed since then Ive moved to New Jersey from New Mexico about a year ago, my relationship ended badly do to my violations with Her, I then got involved with a new comer in NA, it is only by Gods grace that i didnt use a drug. After dealing with her constinly relapsing and then getting rapped by a drug dealer, I died inside, at lest what was left in me. I was smoking cigs again, stopped yoga and after loading a game for her son to play so we could spend some time alone, it wasnt long until I was helping him to get through tough parts of the game, and i was off, finally after getting her to rehab, i was over wieght, eating, smoking cigs and gaming as if I was breathing air. No surpirse that relationship ended, My home was flooded with a water line breaking ,and I return to my Mom in NJ to Help he with her MS illness. I did manage to seperate from games with the move, and i guess 4-5 months went by, but i was still so shell shocked from the relationship, and depressed, I started to have PTSD symtoms, tremour and shakes, sleeplessness and other painful mental and body issues.
I purchased a XOOM tablet in MAY this year, with good intentions, yet in my excitemnet with it it didnt even cross my mind when i launched a game called dungeon defender i think it was called, that was it, any Spirit i had holding on by a string was snapped. Shortly after i was in a car acceident and was then bed bound from the end of May until the end of Sept. At this point the illness and acciedent brought me for the first time in my life i truely felt mortal, and untill Sept, the Dr didnt know what was wrong with me, frankly i thought iwas going to die, the amount of nerve pain and mental confusion was unbearable.
I soon found LOTRO, in bed with moms laptop. it was "free" and it looked cool, for the recorded it didnt even cross my mind that this was a bad thing nor that i was a game addict at this point. It was honestly a great, possible the greatest escape Id ever known, it was my first time with a MMO like it, i had only played WOW the first month it came out some many years ago and didnt like the graphics. What really hooked me was the whole KIN thing and people to help me in the game, i was so messed up from my other illnes that i needed people to guild me around the world as i would get so lost and confused, even in places id been in for months. In three months i had 9 charaters, one was maxed out @ 65 in under 3 months I was a kin officer in one of the largest kins, i had mastered every type of crafting there was, with all my alts. there where days i played for 40 hours straight, then awoke 6 hours later to the game, i didnt shower for days at a time, i was realy sick, but i now wonder how much quicker i would have gotten better if i wasnt a game crack addict. by 4 months, i had actually played more that 2.5 months of actualy 24hour a day, in 4 months. To clarify 2.5 months in hours of playing in 4 months...Sick isnt even close to the correct word. Frankly im shocked just reading what im typing, its all a twisted dream and nightmare, and yet appealing. To be even more honest I prayed to Die regulary, if it wasnt gaming in Lotro i was praying to die, thats the life i was living. i was completedly isolated and hoped to die.
FYI i dont recomend relapsing, apparently even with 31 (im 36) years of game playing, It can and did for me get much much worse. I want to beat myself up for my addiction, my disease. But i know that isnt going to help, and I relasped way before i started playing on the XOOM. I wasnt going to RL meeting here in NJ, i didnt have a network, even the spiritual group that im involved in i ran from way before this. Im as sick as my secrets, ive been pretty darn sick so that is evident that I have a S load of secrets. Ill be starting my 1 step again this Jan. I reconnected with my sponsor here in new york that sponsored me before i when to NM, lucky for me gaming was a big part of his story even when he was clean a decade +, so i dont feel ashamed talking to him about it, and he has been sharing his experience using the steps around gaming, SO GOD IS OHH SO GOOD.
I guess mostly I feel worn out, i did go through some extra ordinary tough stuff, granted my Dis-ease certainly made it much worse, much much much worse. But Im back again counting soon to be days... 12hours to 2 days...lol, wow i feel excited and sad at the same time. But im glad to reread what OLGA helped me to do 2 years ago, i have this journal as a reminder, and today i hope ill remind myself not to stray, regardless of lifes challenges. Im a stuborn addict, but i need to change this defect of chareter this time through, I need to change the fast food mentality that, i want it fast and i want it quick And the attitude that i dont have to do this recovery thing. I just want the "quick fix".... I need to remember that this attitude will kill me, torment me and hurt others around me. I want to appogize to those that supported me when i first came around, i just want you to know you did make a diffence in my life, im sorry i forgot about you, and didnt stay connected.
Thank you, I believe im now done with this book ive writen, lol
Just for Today
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Thanks for your posts. It was great to read your early diary and great to read your recent posts. Bummer about the relapse. No matter how far down the scale you have gone your experience can benefit others. Thanks for the reminder that relapse only gets worse. The addict in my brain keeps saying that playing WoW will make things better, I keep saying NOT TODAY. It's good to hear that it won't work tomorrow either.
I'm new here so I'm just starting with living RL rather than VR. Trudging the road of happy destiny is so important to me. I realize that I'm not sure I can live in REAL LIFE, then last night I realized I don't have any choice. What happens when I stay game free is REAL LIFE - One Day at a Time. Welcome back, and Keep Coming Back - IT WORKS.
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Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Thank you for posting about your relapse, thank you for your honesty. I appreciate the honesty, not only does it help you to remember what relapsing feels like, but it helps me too (just in case the WOW demons start doing pushups on my shoulder).
What you're experiencing now are the withdrawals. I'm reading a book called Cyber Junkie by Kevin Roberts, and it explains what happens to the brain when gaming excessively/addictively. The brain activity is very similar to crack cocaine use.
!!! No wonder I felt like a strung out junkie on that first day without games. I couldn't concentrate for 5 mins...I was bouncing off walls.
I did anything and everything to get comfort: tv, read, exercise, talk to friends, read every post available on OLGA, (and responded to everything, too!! what an ego)..got a sponsor and worked some of the steps.
It's been 6 months now, and it is much much better than at first, but I still have a bit of nervousness, and still feel like I am floundering around a bit..not as often, but enough to let me know this addiction is absolutely REAL and recovery is real too.
For me, it wasn't just a matter of quitting the game, it was a matter of managing recovery so I don't go crazy. I was more afraid of going crazy than I was of picking up another game.
Anyway, back to the steps. You know them, they work.
And Andy, good for you!! Real life really is a good thing and so much more rewarding. But, these early days are still nerve-wracking. Luckily, we're going through them together, and not alone.
3 days and counting, just feeling yucky abit, prayer and chanting helps me, shift out of my reactive state of mind. Slept 12 hours but i wake up so irratiable and angry, and self-destructive thoughts and feelings. Today i had game images fload through a few times,, i just did my best to stop thinging about it, and started the serentity prayer over and over, it passed and then i sleep more. Im hitting impatients and fustration, i need to stay in today, its a day at a time program, yet i want to skip the uncomforablility im in now...lol. I relieze that i have more than Faith, because i know this works from actual experience. I hope ill address the defects of charater that took me out this time this time, now i have some awareness and a sponsor who understands this aspect of my disease. thats if for now, typing is very helpful to feel better...thx yall for being here.... One day at a time....
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
now i have some awareness and a sponsor who understands this aspect of my disease. thats if for now, typing is very helpful to feel better...thx yall for being here.... One day at a time....
just grunt. Im bored, Id be bored at an amusment park, lol
insane how much of my life was filled with gaming and not being here and now. My plan today is to make a RL meeting and make it to the gym, and to let go of the idea that i need to be doing some imaginary more, Today im learning to accept my wins and shift my attention from loses and problems one min at a time. Hope and acceptance... I am honestly an addict (gamer) my life is unmanagable, i beleive that a power greater than myself can/could restore me to sanity, it is my decision to turn my will over to a loving God of my understanding... MY EGO HURTS!!! lol...
Just for today i am grateful for anyother day clean, game free, my body, my house my cats, my family , Olga, NA, AA, Avatar, my Mind, Spirit, my higher power, the gym, being a vegatarian, my friends, Facebook, Youtube, breathing, walking talking, and food. Im grateful for the water im about to shower with.
This too shall pass...
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Just for today i am grateful for anyother day clean, game free, my body, my house my cats, my family , Olga, NA, AA, Avatar, my Mind, Spirit, my higher power, the gym, being a vegatarian, my friends, Facebook, Youtube, breathing, walking talking, and food. Im grateful for the water im about to shower with.
So so true--you WILL feel better. I promise. Right now its bouncing off the walls time and get ready for some truly weird dreams, but then it is just going to improve in leaps & bounds. Hang in there OneDay. You bring a lot, and we need your spark.
ElizA
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.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!
day 5...and counting, OLga meeting today then NA dance and meeting tonight...all is ok, even if my mind says other wise!...thats all folfs for now...
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Thanks Pat, does help very much to share as it is...Im tired of trying to save my face to loss my butt, its time to save my but not my face...happy new years, 5 and a half days lol... love to yall!
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Sweet, Day 26 and counting, I feel excited, i feel in recovery, and im happy to say ive got some work ahead of me. I leave tommorrow for a 13 day course in daytona beach fl, with my Mother, this is exciting, im just praying away all my worries a second at a time. Ive come a long way and I still have a long way to go. The doubts are really at this point regrets, the what IFs...but this addictive thinking is what is the center of my illness, regrets rob me of my present time gratitude, and being present, someone taught me that regret is questioning my Higher Power, and it is a signal of my self will, cause my beliefs i could have done something implies im in control and have the power...a dangerous place for me.... Sadly I can report that this awareness doesnt keep me from my insane thinking. The God of my understand does for me, and this God is always there even if im "not"...Surrender to me implies im waking up to the here and now and its an oppertunity for an expression of gratitute...My disease is a cunning enemy of life for me, it robs me of sanity, serentity and gratitude. My best thinking when im not in recovery is believing suffering and missery is who i am, I become a terrorist and cruel prison warden, the dis-ease tricks me into believing the addiction is me. From this dullusion I believe myself at fault, and to blame...this always breaks my will down, to a hopelessness and despair. Turning this over frees me from the Addict me... I come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity....
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
I am amazed reading this. So much I recognoze from your past. You and I have been unfortunate to grow up in time, where the game got inventented followed by the internet, followed by the time of grab all you desire, no limits. That last part is where Jezus already warned for not to fall for, but how can it hurts when it looks so good the chiild in us thinks. I believe we exist of two parts- Body and its hormones and the soul. I think that Gaming lets the body win, and the soul to be enslaved within, loosing it strength. I think all wise man in the past told we must clean our body and free our soul, with Internet its no less. Only know the cleaing of the body is within..
People say we live in a great time of technical wonders, but we have to learn an awfully lot to deal with, and the desire , to be part of it, will only be made stronger. I will not forbid my children to play computergames , but I hope I can convince them with theis site and stories and my belief, that they say we dont want to.
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
I started reading the beginning of this thread, then I read your most recent posts OneDay. The change is dramatic. You've come a long way. You might want to read your original post to see how far you've come (we sometimes don't see our progress until we look back a long ways like that). Congratulations on 42 days. Keep coming back - it works.
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Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Yeeha! been a amazing ride in recovery since Dec 27, 2011
think thats 87 days, what a miracle!
dont have much time for post, just wanted to post, id had technical issue tring to post on a different PC turn out using IE was the issue, so now im on my CPU with google chrome.
Yesterday was my belly button birthday, so thats 37 rotations around the star called "The Sun"
Im very grateful, working on 2nd step, and I leave for a one month journey around the country for workish stuff, plus some r&r! what an amazing change since less than 3 months ago...hoorah!
To all i dont know I love you, keep coming back here, and to thoses i do ill miss ya from the reg meetings, but i Love you even still, Celebrate the day and may you all be happy and well.
one day at a time
ill keep recovering
Alan
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Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
2 Months and Counting!!!!
just need to say that there is a lot of change in my life since 2 months ago. Now that ive allowed the Hp of my understanding to enter and help me work a program I am finding peace, even if life isnt given me what i want or think i need, Today ive experenced a new found joy to what life is throwing at me, and I am grateful, even if it doesnt look pretty, it starting to feel good. Thanks OLGA
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Oneday,
Yay! I can't believe it is 2 months!!!
A great achievement for you. Well done!
Keep up the good work.
Wow! Two months. Congratulations.
Keep coming back; it really works. If you work it!
Congratz, your helping a lot of people and myself incuded. you give me good advise and i can tell you actually care. thanks for being there.
for some people 1 minute of gaming is too much and 1000 is never enough
Its not the game that is your problem. You game so you can escape your problems in real life. Thats why its so hard to stop play too. Because when you stop playing you feel all stress and problems in real life and then you want to escape them.
Dont know whats up but am feeling some grief and regrets.
Suppose its alright, it makes sense there are alot of things while gaming that didnt happen the way they could have if I wasnt escaping one mouse click at atime. So I went out dancing tonight by myself, as I did last week: having a great time, but this time i felt pretty misrable, or atlest several feels at once that im not to clear about. Ive had a bit of a better understanding of this process for myself this week. Ive noticed that when feelings come up that i dont really know I label them something not so good, this seems to snowball things as my thinking is quite stinking. now Im left confused thinking im feeling sad or despair when it very well might be hate or joy or regret or love. I just dont seem to have a great grasp of a large range of acurate feelings... Well any way im in a relationship living together for over a year now, but she couldnt come out tonight as she is in florida. Needless to say there are atractive women around, but ive never cheated before and dont plan to. Yet early on in the night some "hottie" came on to me big time on the dance floor and it triggered alot of stuff, hence my eariler part of this journal. I just wanted to dance, its something that usally regenerates my beingness/spirit. I first I think I was scared, then I think I was ashamed then more fear then alot of confusion, then I think I can say the rest of the night my dis-ease was what really make things worse, and well i didnt have a great time. Its not that I cant dance friendly with women etc, but this was overtly sexual and alittle forceful, and still I feel so very uneasy, it feels like a life time of stuff that is all mixed up. So here i am at 240 am, writing away, I dont want to game but I most definatly need help to move through these feelings. I think Im punishing myself for being attracted and liking it, then the fear of losing my current GF, or more importantly being like my unfaithful Dad...wow that feels like a uncomfortable winner. its confusing, on one hand im denying myself the expereience of being a man and alive and on the Im so scared to be bad, i dont know if this even makes any sense, but better writen here then rotting in my mind. Well im prety tired, I guess thats a good thing to notice as I hadnt noticed before. Also Im a bit sadden that i will not be able to make the OLGA meeting tommorrow as I have a job training, so I just want to free myself as much as I can from this fn dis-ease. Im gonna do some prayers, and pray for the willingness to accept some ease in mylife today... May you all be happy and well.
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Oneday, sending some positive thoughts and prayers across the miles to you. I'm glad you've been doing more with your face to face fellowship too.
Y'know there is a passage I've quoted ad nauseum that comes to mind, about how if we are truly sorry and learn from our mistakes, that they can be put to good use, but if our actions continue to harm others we are headed for danger. It sounds like you are willing to have this put to good use.
I'm not a guy, so don't have any thoughts or suggestions for what you are going through right now, but I'm sure some of the other guys here may have thoughts for you.
There are some days we just feel like crap. Those are the days I have to remember that the literature I read tells me it's when we feel fear, anger, resentment, not IF. Another place it mentions that "Many of the old problems will still be with you, and this is as it should be. For thus you will be learning to live." (I think that's in family afterward.)
Also, I think you mentioned someplace that you had started doing your step work on the gaming--for me personally I really feel like this malady is almost like a living creature with its own survival instinct. Sure it's cunning, baffling, powerful, and even patient--but I think everytime we take a step forward toward making living conditions inhospitable for it, the malady gets scared and tries to put up a fight. The place this really comes out is often the 4th and 5th step, people start feeling all fidgety and awkward, especially right before doing their 5th. It's almost as if that malady knows its days are numbered, and it puts up an incredible fight.
My sponsor likes to tell me it's the struggles like this, if I apply steps & principles and move through them, that turn into experience that makes me uniquely qualified to work with others. Be assured this is not for nothing; every day you grow through your application of steps & principles and do your best (although we may feel inadequate) is being useful to someone else.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
Ok WOW, and not the darn game, but truly WOW..
So ive been offered two jobs today, both part time but its pretty awesome having gone almost 4 months with out a steady job. Id never have thought Id be train to be a Med Tech at a rehab, so for the next 2 weeks ill be full time there for training then ill have 3 shifts untill more open up, this is all very cool, as it was depressing before i was looking for retail crap jobs, and to be so gifted with what could be a career? Anyway id definitetly not have dont this if it wasnt for the power of the program, id still be gaming wondering why iwasnt getting a job...thank God im recovering... Food time...
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Outstanding! I love it when opportunity knocks! I always embrace her with open arms. ^.^
The only winning move is not to play.
Yay!!!!!! Happy dance!
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
I haven't been around much and haven't gotten to read your updates till now, but they are wonderful indeed. Your recovery is inspiring, even to people further along. It sounds like you're doing well, and I'm glad to hear it. :)
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -Jonothan Kozol
Full Time!
So i started today for training as a med tech, for a part time job...when i showed up they wanted to now if id likefull time...yes indeed! So im tired , excited, nervous, hunger, and did i mention tired, but its all good...One day at a time
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Wow that's AMAZING!!!!!
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
hooray for you oneday! i've just reached 30 days myself. you're an inspiration!!!
Is This What You Do With Eternity? ~Groundhog Day
AWESOME, im very happy for you. i guess good things do happen to good people :)
for some people 1 minute of gaming is too much and 1000 is never enough
I loved reading your stories and of course I should know what to do as I am a recovering alcoholic and through the help of AA and the Big Book I have stayed away from the first drink one day at a time for the last 17years. However, I do have an aditctive personality and I have now found online gambling a problem. I know feel I need help with this. It hasnt taken everything away from me yet, BUT, I could be heading that way, and like the DEMON alcohol, I need support and understanding from like minded people. x
Morning Time!
Today is my 5th day of training at my new job, boy is it different, working a "normal Job" its been a long time for me since ive done his. Its been good, strange but overall very good. im certainly looking forward to payday :) Just for today im not thinging about video games, boy what a relief! Im now focused on my recover "being restored to whole'' which is really nice since ive ben so spread out and messed up for so long. I am really looking forward to addressing my core disease, i was working well into my 2nd step, but it has been more challenging this past week do to work time, but atlest i got some done, plus ive made some RL meetings which has really been a big help. Sadly i will not be able to make tonights meeting here on OLGA, it kinda was my homegroup for almost the first 2 months, but god has a plan and currently thats not part of it for me... :( Anyway I am blessed regardless of what my dis-eased body,mind, spirit tells me. Just for today I will remember i have a disease not a moral defect, and will continue to learn to apply and treat myself with loving-kindness. Most people tend to treat themselves this way when they are sick, why do we do otherwise?...
May you all be happy and well....
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Hurray 10 weeks today!
just hanging in there, learning this new job is tough, but i will make it through one day at at time. Just checking in to see how everyone here is doing, im hoping at my new job afterive learned what I need to do there, i can spend more time here, since we are alowed to, if nothing is happening...
Thank God for God is my topic for today!
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Hi Oneday, so glad to hear back from you! I'm glad things are going well with your job and that you are doing well! I meant to add a congratulations on your 10 weeks!
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
3 Months Game Free!!!
so its been a little whilesince ive posted, life is happening and im a part of it now. Funny how that happens when you stop running from it... Yesterday I passed my certification test for being a Med Tech at work, so that is good. Ive alos been really active in RL meetings both AA & NA im tring to do another 90 meetings in 90 days, so far im just a little behind its been 25 meeting in 35 day... but im feeling really strong, working my program. ive been alittle stuck on writing my 2nd sep im about midway through. im tottaly getting a whole new experience and perspective around it. Coming to believe this time is taken a new level of responsiblity for me. I am very grateful and im learning alot about how my EGO is working against me and how i mistaken my EGO as me. Boy ohh boy im going to go very far in this program, cause i have a long way to go! I just want to share how much i owe OLGA for my current recovery, I really couldnt have done this on my own, i was so sick and lost. I suffered greatly. Yet we do recover One Day at a Time
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Feeling really scared today.
My cat that has kidney disease has taken a turn for the worse today. He was doing really well the last month, really really well. Im so numb right now. Actually the last time i relasped from my own "white knuckling" was when i had to deal with the onset of his illness. it was in july this year. I escaped with the whole facebook gaming thing. then by he grace of a power greater than me I googled game addcition and he then this site...today marks my 14th week away from oblivion. Im also feeling kinda sad, the person i agreed to sponsor, left a OLGA for no known reason. we were gonna work through email and messenger but he soped using it, and now has posted he isnt coming here anymore. This is sad to me. so I guess its just gonna be a bit of hard feelings for me tonight. But I guess it makes sense with the holiday tommorrow. This is a time of year when ive experienced hardships in the past around all the holidays. Wow I feel skattered, shakened and stirred. this shall past this shall past...breath breath breath. Im worried about the vet being closed and having to take my cat to the emergency hospital. which for me scares me as im very protective of my cat, and im worried about the $. it was close to 1200$ last time, at the normal vet. and i work 32 hours a week at 12.5 an hour. $1200 is about what i make in a month! I feel so powerless....right which is why i log on tonight...I wanted to escape on a game, but chose here instead...just for today i am not gonna video out, maybe tommorrow but not today.... maybe ask my mom for some $ and go to the vet? I need help...I do not feel ready to lose my baby espiecaly after he was doing so well. gonna find out how much the vet is, and just for today im not gonna plug in to a game, I pray!
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
*hugs* I understand where you're coming from in terms of the cats. I have four of my own, and their health problems can be quite troubling. You might want to look into whether or not your vet accepts CareCredit (I think it's called that - it's a line of credit just for vet bills) and see about applying for it.
I know it is tough to see how people come and go from this site. It's hard to put a piece of yourself out there, trying to help someone, and then have them never return. But there will always be addicts who need your help. Sooner or later you will come across someone who is really ready to stop and work the steps seriously.
You're doing great, Oneday, and I know everyone here is proud of you and wishes you the best.
I wish you and your cat all the best. Difficult decisions arise from looking after sick pets, mainly because of the money involved. Good luck, and (I don't normally do this...but) *BIGHUGZ*!
Good luck oneday. I hope your kitty gets better.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
I just read this thread, OneDay. Thanks for it. Lots of gems of recovery in here. I hope your cat is ok. If he isn't, please know that you don't have to use over it.
Yours, Laurel
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. Mine has kidney disease as well, we just found out. Hang in there. Tough times like these are tests of how strong we really are. If you make it through this still strong in your program then you know you're doing really good. If it is your cat's time to pass, I hope it's a gentle one.
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." -Jonothan Kozol
Hit a wall but back again just for today, ill repost my story of the last year and a half, soon enough im going to go to meeting soon for another aspect of my disease. but i wanted to post again as this was a powerful tool for me, when i first started. I forgot, I forgot alot, and i relasped, the last 6+ minths havent been very good for me. I discovered LOTRO, hundreds of $ and thousands of hours later...well im sure if your a gamer you can fill in the blank of it, i played today at noon, attended the 3pm skype meeting and deleted Lotro, my other game cds have been given away afew months ago. anyway im not as beat up as i could be, truth is about 2 months ago i started using tools of a spiritual practice and 2 weeks ago upped my 12 meetings, so with pray and surender gaming slowed down alot since sept, so im hoping withdrawls will be less... but frankly im bored, it actually is that simple. holiday was good, i guess there is some strong feeling as a close personall friend and also my brother are getting their butts kicked with drugs, so especial as i write i can see the tip of the ice breg of emotions im trying to run from.
Im sick, sickly sick. but im hoping that with contiued effort and God ill be able to arrest my suffering and make good changes in my life. I just get stuck in the attitude of " i dont care" and its painful to expereince and i often run, the problem is im running from the problem of running...insanity at its best if i may say.
Looking at my last post it brings up some strong emotions my, sadly my pet died and it was a very hard time for me, also because i had alot of tough other issues going... Mostly im sad i stopped using OLGA, frankly i dont know why, forgetfulness and unmanagbility... the important thing is im here now, that i attended a meeting today for olga and im on my way to a NA meeting now, also its good to state i uninstaled my game, which i wanted to do for over 2 weeks now but couldnt do it...so progress. i hope to stay game free one day at a time and hope i stay connected, as i know with out doubt that the steps and OLGA works, i just need to remember it and do it. much love to you all.
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Welcome back!!!
Get to a lot of meetings both here and NA..get that sponsor; begin the steps again.
Don't beat yourself up; we have all been there and done that.
You know more about the addiction than you ever did; so you will have more to share and help others. Plus, you know what it means to relapse, etc.
Try journaling for those boring I-don't-know-what-to-do moments. Nothing beats boredom than good solid work: write out an inventory for each of the steps, starting with Step 1.
Just a few suggestions.
Glad to see you at the meeting today! We have another Skype on Wednesday. :)
welcome come back oneday
thanks for posting your story (or part of it)
lots of gamers here all hurting and needing each other support
as a gamers, yes, i can fill in the blanks, but the longer i get away from gaming, the better i know it fill in that blank
"it isn't too late, but it is later then you think" (someone, not sure who)
leveling in steps, serenity, sponcys, sponsors, exercise, and sleep, (sanity has been downsized) sober from all electronic games since 11/19/2010
Heard in AA meetings, if you repeat it more than 5 times, it's now your's.
Anyway, glad you are back Oneday...
big Hugs.
(don't forget Skype meeting tomorrow)
Thanks folks
so im a full day plus, feeling feeling and am a bit cranky and phycals sour, may have as much to do with xmas deserts i consumed yeterday! I feel hopful, ill be leaving to orlando FL, thurdays for a 10 day seminar, a spiritual pratical, pretty cool stuff, when im not wasting my life gaming that is! I wont have a cpu, as i dont own a laptop, which i im looking at a good detox, ill see if i can get a friend to post while im away, and i plan to post again tomorrow and make the skype meeting if i can. Its deffinately a one day at a time process/program. I Admit im powerless over games!!! The big one and the little ones and the the ones in between, and my life goes completely unmanagable using them. Spiritually, mentally and physically and other diementions im sure too! I just need to change my thinking, that is completely upside down, Im spending so much time looking at things from a darkside, I see all the proplems with the world...DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM< and wonder why i feel depressed and want to check out. But frankly im not acknowledging the good things and feeling gratitude for what i have which, in so many ways is far bettter than likely 99% of the worlds population, yet im an ungrateful chap, granted a sick and suffering one, but.... no buts im just suffering from a disease that can be arrested if i reach out for help and do what recovery suggests me to do. This too shall pass..... Celebrate the day Folks!
PS: is there a spell check with this chat app, if so where and how do i use it?
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Made it to the gym, which is good :) Sadly missed the 10pm meeting, I just read my posts from the beginning to now, sucks I Fd up. My disease layed me out cold, and it wasnt just the gaming aspect, though im still clean, i got so co-dependant with the clients when i was working at the rehab, when i wasnt working i was taking them to meetings, on the phone with them, my life spiraled, but i couldnt see it, My network slowly became newcomers, and though i was doing alot of recovery i forgot about me,
Alot has changed since then Ive moved to New Jersey from New Mexico about a year ago, my relationship ended badly do to my violations with Her, I then got involved with a new comer in NA, it is only by Gods grace that i didnt use a drug. After dealing with her constinly relapsing and then getting rapped by a drug dealer, I died inside, at lest what was left in me. I was smoking cigs again, stopped yoga and after loading a game for her son to play so we could spend some time alone, it wasnt long until I was helping him to get through tough parts of the game, and i was off, finally after getting her to rehab, i was over wieght, eating, smoking cigs and gaming as if I was breathing air. No surpirse that relationship ended, My home was flooded with a water line breaking ,and I return to my Mom in NJ to Help he with her MS illness. I did manage to seperate from games with the move, and i guess 4-5 months went by, but i was still so shell shocked from the relationship, and depressed, I started to have PTSD symtoms, tremour and shakes, sleeplessness and other painful mental and body issues.
I purchased a XOOM tablet in MAY this year, with good intentions, yet in my excitemnet with it it didnt even cross my mind when i launched a game called dungeon defender i think it was called, that was it, any Spirit i had holding on by a string was snapped. Shortly after i was in a car acceident and was then bed bound from the end of May until the end of Sept. At this point the illness and acciedent brought me for the first time in my life i truely felt mortal, and untill Sept, the Dr didnt know what was wrong with me, frankly i thought iwas going to die, the amount of nerve pain and mental confusion was unbearable.
I soon found LOTRO, in bed with moms laptop. it was "free" and it looked cool, for the recorded it didnt even cross my mind that this was a bad thing nor that i was a game addict at this point. It was honestly a great, possible the greatest escape Id ever known, it was my first time with a MMO like it, i had only played WOW the first month it came out some many years ago and didnt like the graphics. What really hooked me was the whole KIN thing and people to help me in the game, i was so messed up from my other illnes that i needed people to guild me around the world as i would get so lost and confused, even in places id been in for months. In three months i had 9 charaters, one was maxed out @ 65 in under 3 months I was a kin officer in one of the largest kins, i had mastered every type of crafting there was, with all my alts. there where days i played for 40 hours straight, then awoke 6 hours later to the game, i didnt shower for days at a time, i was realy sick, but i now wonder how much quicker i would have gotten better if i wasnt a game crack addict. by 4 months, i had actually played more that 2.5 months of actualy 24hour a day, in 4 months. To clarify 2.5 months in hours of playing in 4 months...Sick isnt even close to the correct word. Frankly im shocked just reading what im typing, its all a twisted dream and nightmare, and yet appealing. To be even more honest I prayed to Die regulary, if it wasnt gaming in Lotro i was praying to die, thats the life i was living. i was completedly isolated and hoped to die.
FYI i dont recomend relapsing, apparently even with 31 (im 36) years of game playing, It can and did for me get much much worse. I want to beat myself up for my addiction, my disease. But i know that isnt going to help, and I relasped way before i started playing on the XOOM. I wasnt going to RL meeting here in NJ, i didnt have a network, even the spiritual group that im involved in i ran from way before this. Im as sick as my secrets, ive been pretty darn sick so that is evident that I have a S load of secrets. Ill be starting my 1 step again this Jan. I reconnected with my sponsor here in new york that sponsored me before i when to NM, lucky for me gaming was a big part of his story even when he was clean a decade +, so i dont feel ashamed talking to him about it, and he has been sharing his experience using the steps around gaming, SO GOD IS OHH SO GOOD.
I guess mostly I feel worn out, i did go through some extra ordinary tough stuff, granted my Dis-ease certainly made it much worse, much much much worse. But Im back again counting soon to be days... 12hours to 2 days...lol, wow i feel excited and sad at the same time. But im glad to reread what OLGA helped me to do 2 years ago, i have this journal as a reminder, and today i hope ill remind myself not to stray, regardless of lifes challenges. Im a stuborn addict, but i need to change this defect of chareter this time through, I need to change the fast food mentality that, i want it fast and i want it quick And the attitude that i dont have to do this recovery thing. I just want the "quick fix".... I need to remember that this attitude will kill me, torment me and hurt others around me. I want to appogize to those that supported me when i first came around, i just want you to know you did make a diffence in my life, im sorry i forgot about you, and didnt stay connected.
Thank you, I believe im now done with this book ive writen, lol
Just for Today
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Wow OneDay,
Thanks for your posts. It was great to read your early diary and great to read your recent posts. Bummer about the relapse. No matter how far down the scale you have gone your experience can benefit others. Thanks for the reminder that relapse only gets worse. The addict in my brain keeps saying that playing WoW will make things better, I keep saying NOT TODAY. It's good to hear that it won't work tomorrow either.
I'm new here so I'm just starting with living RL rather than VR. Trudging the road of happy destiny is so important to me. I realize that I'm not sure I can live in REAL LIFE, then last night I realized I don't have any choice. What happens when I stay game free is REAL LIFE - One Day at a Time. Welcome back, and Keep Coming Back - IT WORKS.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Thank you for posting about your relapse, thank you for your honesty. I appreciate the honesty, not only does it help you to remember what relapsing feels like, but it helps me too (just in case the WOW demons start doing pushups on my shoulder).
What you're experiencing now are the withdrawals. I'm reading a book called Cyber Junkie by Kevin Roberts, and it explains what happens to the brain when gaming excessively/addictively. The brain activity is very similar to crack cocaine use.
!!! No wonder I felt like a strung out junkie on that first day without games. I couldn't concentrate for 5 mins...I was bouncing off walls.
I did anything and everything to get comfort: tv, read, exercise, talk to friends, read every post available on OLGA, (and responded to everything, too!! what an ego)..got a sponsor and worked some of the steps.
It's been 6 months now, and it is much much better than at first, but I still have a bit of nervousness, and still feel like I am floundering around a bit..not as often, but enough to let me know this addiction is absolutely REAL and recovery is real too.
For me, it wasn't just a matter of quitting the game, it was a matter of managing recovery so I don't go crazy. I was more afraid of going crazy than I was of picking up another game.
Anyway, back to the steps. You know them, they work.
And Andy, good for you!! Real life really is a good thing and so much more rewarding. But, these early days are still nerve-wracking. Luckily, we're going through them together, and not alone.
Hugs to both!
3 days and counting, just feeling yucky abit, prayer and chanting helps me, shift out of my reactive state of mind. Slept 12 hours but i wake up so irratiable and angry, and self-destructive thoughts and feelings. Today i had game images fload through a few times,, i just did my best to stop thinging about it, and started the serentity prayer over and over, it passed and then i sleep more. Im hitting impatients and fustration, i need to stay in today, its a day at a time program, yet i want to skip the uncomforablility im in now...lol. I relieze that i have more than Faith, because i know this works from actual experience. I hope ill address the defects of charater that took me out this time this time, now i have some awareness and a sponsor who understands this aspect of my disease. thats if for now, typing is very helpful to feel better...thx yall for being here.... One day at a time....
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
YAY!!!!
just grunt. Im bored, Id be bored at an amusment park, lol
insane how much of my life was filled with gaming and not being here and now. My plan today is to make a RL meeting and make it to the gym, and to let go of the idea that i need to be doing some imaginary more, Today im learning to accept my wins and shift my attention from loses and problems one min at a time. Hope and acceptance... I am honestly an addict (gamer) my life is unmanagable, i beleive that a power greater than myself can/could restore me to sanity, it is my decision to turn my will over to a loving God of my understanding... MY EGO HURTS!!! lol...
Just for today i am grateful for anyother day clean, game free, my body, my house my cats, my family , Olga, NA, AA, Avatar, my Mind, Spirit, my higher power, the gym, being a vegatarian, my friends, Facebook, Youtube, breathing, walking talking, and food. Im grateful for the water im about to shower with.
This too shall pass...
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Love it!
So so true--you WILL feel better. I promise. Right now its bouncing off the walls time and get ready for some truly weird dreams, but then it is just going to improve in leaps & bounds. Hang in there OneDay. You bring a lot, and we need your spark.
ElizA
.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!
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Happy new Year!
day 5...and counting, OLga meeting today then NA dance and meeting tonight...all is ok, even if my mind says other wise!...thats all folfs for now...
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
YAY!! Great "skype" meeting today, great share Oneday!
Those awful awful awful withdrawal symptoms will get better, honestly.
Thanks Pat, does help very much to share as it is...Im tired of trying to save my face to loss my butt, its time to save my but not my face...happy new years, 5 and a half days lol... love to yall!
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
Sweet, Day 26 and counting, I feel excited, i feel in recovery, and im happy to say ive got some work ahead of me. I leave tommorrow for a 13 day course in daytona beach fl, with my Mother, this is exciting, im just praying away all my worries a second at a time. Ive come a long way and I still have a long way to go. The doubts are really at this point regrets, the what IFs...but this addictive thinking is what is the center of my illness, regrets rob me of my present time gratitude, and being present, someone taught me that regret is questioning my Higher Power, and it is a signal of my self will, cause my beliefs i could have done something implies im in control and have the power...a dangerous place for me.... Sadly I can report that this awareness doesnt keep me from my insane thinking. The God of my understand does for me, and this God is always there even if im "not"...Surrender to me implies im waking up to the here and now and its an oppertunity for an expression of gratitute...My disease is a cunning enemy of life for me, it robs me of sanity, serentity and gratitude. My best thinking when im not in recovery is believing suffering and missery is who i am, I become a terrorist and cruel prison warden, the dis-ease tricks me into believing the addiction is me. From this dullusion I believe myself at fault, and to blame...this always breaks my will down, to a hopelessness and despair. Turning this over frees me from the Addict me... I come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity....
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
I am amazed reading this. So much I recognoze from your past. You and I have been unfortunate to grow up in time, where the game got inventented followed by the internet, followed by the time of grab all you desire, no limits. That last part is where Jezus already warned for not to fall for, but how can it hurts when it looks so good the chiild in us thinks. I believe we exist of two parts- Body and its hormones and the soul. I think that Gaming lets the body win, and the soul to be enslaved within, loosing it strength. I think all wise man in the past told we must clean our body and free our soul, with Internet its no less. Only know the cleaing of the body is within..
People say we live in a great time of technical wonders, but we have to learn an awfully lot to deal with, and the desire , to be part of it, will only be made stronger. I will not forbid my children to play computergames , but I hope I can convince them with theis site and stories and my belief, that they say we dont want to.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
42 DAys!!! Celebrating the day!
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
YAY!!!!!!!!
42 days, a lot of days for a gamer to be with game
are they in a row?
:)
hl hf
leveling in steps, serenity, sponcys, sponsors, exercise, and sleep, (sanity has been downsized) sober from all electronic games since 11/19/2010
I started reading the beginning of this thread, then I read your most recent posts OneDay. The change is dramatic. You've come a long way. You might want to read your original post to see how far you've come (we sometimes don't see our progress until we look back a long ways like that). Congratulations on 42 days. Keep coming back - it works.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Yeeha! been a amazing ride in recovery since Dec 27, 2011
think thats 87 days, what a miracle!
dont have much time for post, just wanted to post, id had technical issue tring to post on a different PC turn out using IE was the issue, so now im on my CPU with google chrome.
Yesterday was my belly button birthday, so thats 37 rotations around the star called "The Sun"
Im very grateful, working on 2nd step, and I leave for a one month journey around the country for workish stuff, plus some r&r! what an amazing change since less than 3 months ago...hoorah!
To all i dont know I love you, keep coming back here, and to thoses i do ill miss ya from the reg meetings, but i Love you even still, Celebrate the day and may you all be happy and well.
one day at a time
ill keep recovering
Alan
Finding a Spiritual solution to my everyday problems. My gratitude speaks when I care and share the OLGA way. Deciding to Celebrate the Day, regardless of what I think about that. :)
We miss you!
And grats on 37! grats mostly on 87+ days!!!!
Around the world? sounds awesome. :)