Those voices in my head telling me to reinstall and game one last game, just one more. It's really pathetic. My addictive personality has sucked my all of my energies dry.
I screwed around all four years of college to a free MMORPG. I've lost my first job to Starcraft 2. Now I'm sitting in my parents' house playing League of Legends at the age of twenty-four. No girlfriend. No job. No responsibilities. Nada.
What does this all mean? It means I am a bum, well worse than a bum, because bums still collect welfare and take care of themselves. During these six months of unemployment, I convinced my parents that I was studying for medical school, specifically the MCAT. It seems whenever I approach that test I dive my head into the world of pixels instead. To make matters worse, the test is computer-based, so use of a computer for practice is necessary and unavoidable.
I keep convincing myself that:
1) I have the ability to handle and play in moderation.
2) People online are like me.
3) There is no point in life. We all die anyways. What's the point of working so hard just to retire and then play games in old age?
4) I can still achieve those dreams of mine and be an avid gamer, playing for 6 to 8 hours a day.
5) I can still play if I just play a less addicting game.
6) I love games, and the digital pixels are so hot.
And I have been convinced.
But there's a part of me that feels guilty and that is ambitious that keeps yelling a muffled NO!
NO! to all these sweetened lies of sloth and vanity.
I think my conscience has died for me to not feel a thing in my situation. Living a life of no responsibility, producing nothing, I am at the brink of losing everything that means being alive. Why, oh why, do I still have that notion that gaming all day is cool? My perspective, I know, must be completely different from all of my peers. In other words, I have become insane.
Hi Bango,
Welcome to olga! I'm glad you found us, and I'm glad you are thinking about taking your life in a new direction! I think you will find that all those things you say your are trying to convince yourself are really your addiction talking. We refer to that as "your addict brain"...and that addict just doesn't see the world very clearly at times.
Its okay to fight that addict brain. Its okay to say, "I want something else for my life." There are alternatives to gaming addiction!
I want you to know that you are not the only person who is fighting this fight. You aren't alone. Others have felt what you feel right now, and you can follow their path. It IS possible to have something besides an addiction to games.
I hope you will find some time to explore the OLGA posts and perhaps attend some of the meeting.
Best,
ElizA
.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!
.
Hi Bango and welcome to Olga. I've thought the same thing you have posted about. And like eliza said, it's our addict thinking. The only way to be free of these thoughts is to stop gaming once and for all and never go back. As addicts we can't moderate. Our addiction won't let us play just a little. It wants our whole life. So we have to choose....a real life or a pixel life. I hope you'll stick around, read posts and post and if you can, attend meetings. And I hope you can find your way out. Good luck to you.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson
Hi Bangowango, I'm new at life without gaming myself, so only 2 things I'll suggest - 1. Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up over yesterday's choices won't lead to better choices today. That's not saying indulge your whims. That wouldn't be kind; that would be cruel. Forgive yourself best you can, and start with today. 2. Find a flesh and blood human you trust and be honest about where you are.
Like ElizA said, you are not alone, and we can use our experience to help each other. Keep coming back.
GaL
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Hi Bango.
I find your description very recognizable. Basically everything sucks and feeling drained of energy to fight it, and growing ever more tired of the situation.
Also the muffled voice saying 'NO!' .. you describe the situation really good.
I have been trying to think myself out of the situation, and I seem to get stuck again so easily. It is so easy to fall back into the gaming. One of my favourite mind-tricks is: "Just one more game, this will be the last one ever. (Then I will start quitting really tomorrow.)" or "I should try this strange tactic, I really need to know if it could work or not." (and then finding out that it is just the same), etc, etc..
People have told me before about "the addict brain" and how your mind is trying to trick you into gaming. I heard those words, but recently these words are getting more significance. This is serious stuff.
I need clean time. I need to get through days without addiction. This will help to 'clear' my mind, and it is then that the muffled voice finally can start to say what it wants to say. It is right there when your life starts to get a meaning again.
So right now I am not so much trusting my own thinking, I think it is 'tainted'. Right now I try to trust the thinking of the people here at Olga. Try to get clean time (which is difficult enough as it is), and I will take it from there.
To me this all is quite freaky and odd stuff, trying to understand what is going on. Whatever you might think of this 'freaky' post/reply (because to me it feels like stuff for a movie), know at least that there are a lot of people here that are ready to help and support. They have been of great support to me.
Hope you find your way out, just as I hope to find my way out too. I believe/know we can, because I have seen many people here who did and do it.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
I encourage you to stay on the path of being game free. As a surgeon who nearly lost my career, my marriage, and my life, I will never touch a game again. Do I have urges? Are games fun? Am I powerless over gaming? YES! But now armed with what I can lose, I am trying to help as many people as I can realize the dangers of gaming addiction. Peace to you.
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
My responses to your list is in green :)
I keep convincing myself that:
1) I have the ability to handle and play in moderation.
Oh me too, I told myself that at the beginning, but I wrote out a long list of all my attempts to moderate, and how many times I found out I couldn't.
2) People online are like me.
Addicted to gaming, yes we addicts love sticking together in our addiction, but we also like sticking together in our recovery. Welcome!
3) There is no point in life. We all die anyways. What's the point of working so hard just to retire and then play games in old age?
I'm actually retired now--and in old age. I tried gaming--8 years of addictive gaming, three years in retirement. It's a HORRIBLE way to live life, no matter what age. Personally, I love life and want to continue it as long as I can. My grandpa lived to 101-3/4 years old and enjoyed every minute. (he was a pilot and last time he flew he was 94).
4) I can still achieve those dreams of mine and be an avid gamer, playing for 6 to 8 hours a day.
Or an avid sky-diver, artist, musician, doctor, lawyer, writer, scuba diver, Red Cross worker, teacher...list goes on.
5) I can still play if I just play a less addicting game.
Once we're addicted, unfortunately, we remain addicted; changing games is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
6) I love games, and the digital pixels are so hot.
Digital pixels aren't real, but what gets really hot is the health: the brain goes, then the neck, shoulders, possible blood clots, sometimes headaches or seizures. Playing that many hours a day hurts the body and mind.
And I have been convinced.
But in recovery you can be convinced, like I was, that gaming for me was hurting me.
Welcome!
Don't have time right now to reply to all points but -
1) I have the ability to handle and play in moderation.
Yeah, the thought I can play casually and control my gaming loves to harangue me. Then I look around at what all that gaming "in moderation" cost me over 16 years. No thanks.
2) People online are like me.
And we addicts will sell out our own mothers for the fix. So essentially self-centered. That's the bottom line of what gamers have in common. Humans aren't meant to live that way. Sorry to sound so harsh, but the utter disillusionment with the sleazy behavior of the gaming community at large was a big motivator for me to finally walk away, and I don't want to forget it. Forgive it, yes, but not forget. Thankfully, Patria's right - the up side is we can support each other toward living satisfying lives.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
We have two choices:
Immersing ourselves in gaming, or
Immersing ourselves in recovery.
The first step we take is accepting the fact of our gaming addiction. Once we accept that, then we have those choices.
I choose recovery.
.
I absolutely know *something* moved within me and said,"I MUST HAVE MORE LOVE IN MY LIFE!" And I know that I've got to give it to have it returned. That, in a nutshell, is my quest now.
Glad you're here, Bango.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Good for you, game-free!!! wonderful
Bango, I know how it feels living under the cloud of overachieving siblings. My older brother aced his way through highschool, was the debate team president, student president of his Rotary Club, went to law school and is of course now a lawyer. He drives a BMW, a great career, and of his ducks lined up in a row.
I, however, was the B type personality that put less effort into ambition and put more value into learning from life experiences. I didn't do well in highschool, but it wasn't because I was dumb (I've been IQ tested at 125 - could've been higher but I'm not very good at math) but because I didn't feel the traditional paths to learning interesting at all. I didn't bother going to college because I knew that it would probably be a repeat of all my previous academic experiences. I either taught myself or searched down the information I needed from other sources to learn what makes me a living. Sure, I don't make quite as much as my brother, but it's not far off because I've proven myself capable to enough people for them to take a chance on me even though I don't have a bunch of paper credentials certifying my abilities.
Ambition is not always the easiest thing in life, but Passion...now that is easy. It's something that burns in you. You can't ignore it. It tugs at your soul. What will help you is to find something you are truly passionate about; a field, a cause, a goal. Try using the free time you have now to do nothing searching for that passion! Careers have limited lifetimes. Passion is forever. Try new things you've never thought you'd even be interested in. Do your best to rid yourself of fear, because it only limits you and does so in many irrational ways.
Most of all, don't be afraid to start over and reinvent yourself. It's quite possibly the most exciting and motivating thing you could ever do. You'll be amazed at what happens when you change your frame of mind to see things for how adventurous and exciting challenges are rather than how difficult they will be.
I read somewhere that some of the rich men at the turn of the 20th century (1900) were all C students. So don't let achievements and being A level turn you off.
Some people don't do well in that environment of high grades and achievements, some go on paths of their own which are even more rewarding.
Be creative with your life. :)
Hello and welcome. You've taken a great step recognizing how escaping into games if affecting your life. It's a moment of clarity. Seize it! In this site you'll find resources that can help you.
I was totally addicted too. All I thought about was gaming. When I could I would play 16 hours a day. Sometimes more. It was killing my soul and I couldn't get enough of it.
I'm clean for 9 months now, even though to be honest there were a few times I played a single player game for a few hours. But the fact is my life was totally out of control and now I feel much more in control and present in my job and in my family.
Be strong, delete your games, screenshots and all associated mementos, including throwing away your disks, and every time you feel the urge to play a game, do something else instead. Take it one hour at a time. It's very hard at first but it gets easier with time.
Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.
You're making progress! The steps work if you embrace them. Great job!
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
Hiya Bango,
Regarding your 2nd step: Have you looked at the description of steps for agnostics? It might fit: 2. Dare to believe that there lies within Us the Power to restore balance to our lives. Principle - Hope
Hope is a truly powerful thing. Without it we wallow. Without it we cannot change. I sincerely hope you find your way to step 2 and on to the incredibly helpful steps like 4 and 9 (with a sponsor, of course)
Regarding your Addict Brain Jabbering: Yeah, they do that. Writing it down is a great way to vent it off...and you know what? I have absolutely no idea what you/addict brain are talking about. But I could probably babble off a bunch of stuff from my ex game that would sound like nonsense to you too. However, if you spoke to me of something real I would probably understand you. Pixel-junk is like that. Just so much nonsense.
Regarding UCB: Thats UC Berkeley, yes? Thats a first rate education anyone of us would be lucky to get! Comparing to your sibs, especially a sib who games is a dangerous path. He's him, and you's you. Related, but not the same. Different strengths and weaknesses. Different goals and objectives. Comparisons null and void IMHO.
Best,
ElizA
.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!
.
A power greater than ourselves is basically anything that isn't our ego.
A power can be God, to some.
A power can be nature, to some.
If I cut my finger, I can put medicine on it and a bandaid, but the healing part is a power in me that I don't direct.
I can slow my breathing down, or speed it up, but other than small, short periods of time, I don't control my breathing.
My ego isn't the only thing in control of my body; but it likes to think it is.
My ego tells me a solid, steady diet of chocolate is ok. But the body, the higher power of myself, wants and needs food that nourishes it: meat, vegetables, breads, fruits.
Left to my devices I will live on chocolate cake, cheeseburgers, and coffee with cream.
Our egos aren't the only part of our body telling us what we ought to do. We also need rest, nourishment, love, giving love, and exercise.
Getting out of our egos is realizing that there is more to life than the constant "me me me". A power greater than myself (the rest of the body and how it works) works and operates quite silently. But our egos can starve us to the point that we are nothing but a shell of a human being.
Life was meant to be lived fully, not partly.
I'm really glad I am now able to get in touch with the rest of me, not just the ego.
Big hugs.