Quitting starting today, need friendly words

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SwimnOMer86
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Quitting starting today, need friendly words

Hello,

I have a long history with MMO gaming. I'm 26 now. When I was 18, I started playing World of Warcraft. I was introduced to the game by a guy I really, really liked at the time, to the point of obsession. I played the game with him addictively throughout college... sometimes up to 16 hours a day, skipping work, not hanging out with friends, skipping classes. I even lost my financial aid one semester because I failed all of classes, due to the fact that I wanted to just stay in my dorm and play WoW with this guy I liked. Back then, I didn't know any better when it came to romance and liking guys. I'm gay, and I knew for a fact that this guy was straight. Regardless, I pursued him and even ended up admitting my feelings to him, which didn't go well. This was probably about 6 years ago. Once he stopped playing WoW, I didn't. I continued playing the game obsessively, meeting online friends. I even played it when I studied abroad in England, choosing to stay in my dorm rather than exploring this new country I was living in.

Fast forward... I stopped playing when I was 23. I gave up video games entirely. I realized that I was a smart, talented person who deserved to treat himself better than this. I started doing better at my job, I was dating people who could actually be interested in me, and I even got accepted in graduate school for photography. When I left for graduate school, I was in a long-distance relationshop, and believe it or not, him and I stayed connected over playing some World Warcraft, and I was re-addicted for a few months before quitting again.

Fast forward again... this time last year, I started playing League of Legends. I was single (and I still am!)... and I was introduced to League of Legends by another straight guy who I began obsessively crushing on. (And I should've known better!) I was horrible at the game at first, but I wanted to prove myself to this guy that I liked, so I played several hours a day practicing, trying to get better. I suppose I was searching for his approval. Again, I started to ignore potential friends at my graduate school and I wasn't making my artwork or photography with 100% effort like I should have been. Once I graduated and moved back home with my parents (where I am today - though I move into a new apartment in the area in 2 weeks), I continued playing League of Legends, sometimes by myself and sometimes with other people I had met during my time playing it. I have tried to quit many times. I have uninstalled and reinstalled SEVERAL times. It's so difficult!!! I find myself playing so many hours a day... staying up late and feeling horrible the next day. (Oh, and P.S. - I've been playing it recently with the FIRST GUY from when I was 18... although, my feelings for him are gone, completely. And I think he forgot I ever told him that I liked him. It's been a non-issue.)

I realize, however, that I am not happy with my life when I am playing this game. I am no accomplishing anything of real value. I am not progressing any of my talents, nor am I changing the world or myself for the better. I want to really DO something in this world that matters. Alot of times, though, my obligations in life seems so daunting or overwhelming that I just want to escape them. I know that I'm trying to escape SOMETHING when I play all of these video games. I've moved away from home several times, too. I've never lived in the same residence for more than year (after I was 18)... so I feel like there's something AT HOME that I'm trying to escape. My family is Catholic and we're all generally conservative and shy. I'm the youngest of 4 children. Although my sexuality is completely open to my family and everyone accepts it, there's always a part of me that never feels like I can truly be myself - that if I laugh too loud or debate an idea or give an opinion - these all feel like I'm crossing a line. These behaviors (or lack there of) start to bleed into social situations outside the household and over the past year, I've been somewhat of a social misfit, something I haven't really been since high school.

So, as a result of all of this, I am quitting tonight. Really, truly, I'm going to do it. I am making the commitment. I don't know if anyone will read this, or respond to this, but even if you don't, I've gained alot just from typing it. Alot of thoughts have been vented and verbalized. I'm going to rediscover myself starting now.

I would absolutely, 100% adore receiving comments, suggestions or advice in response to my pursuit of happiness and non-addiction. Please help. Thank you.

Jeffrey

Bill F.
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This is the place to be

This is the place to be Jeffrey, I'm glad you're here.

I can't give you straight suggestions, I don't know what will work or won't work for you: I believe only individuals can know that sort of stuff, but I'd be happy to tell you what's worked for me, and share a little bit of my story.

I've gamed my whole life, and though maybe I was not always addicted, I always gamed excessively and certainly it sucked up most of my time. As I went on in life, I found myself saying in the back of my head while playing "Why am I doing this?" or "I'm not even enjoying this...." or better yet "I really should do X / I really wanted to do X before, why don't I now..." These thoughts were always followed by a cloud of vapor: gaming makes me dead to my emotions and feelings.

I went on to game through middle school, high school and college. I wasted almost all of that time in school. By that I mean that I put barely more than paniced, last minute effort in, and unfortunately I was smart enough to get by without it. At the end of high school and in college however, this just didn't cut it. I ended up failing out of college once, getting readmitted after a summer session of all A's (where I white-knuckled my gaming), and then almost failed out again a year later. On my path to doing this a third time (talk about rinse and repeat) in my junior year, I finally realized something was wrong and I had to pull the plug on myself. I couldn't admit gaming was the problem yet, but I knew something was really wrong with me. Eventually I tried to quit games.

Fast forward two white-knuckle phases and one relapse and one slip, I'm now 178 days game-free, and on OLGA for a few months now. I find that coming to meetings, reading and posting on the forums here as you just did, posting in my blog, working with a sponsor, and working the steps have given me some form of reprieve from my addiction. Additionally, doing service and trying to get out of myself, or work with another addict helps me tremendously.

Don't get me wrong: I still have cravings and urges, but now I'm starting to learn how to deal with my life in a better way.

I'm glad you're here Jeffrey. I hope you can find what you're looking for here, and genuinely hope you'll join us in this fellowship I know that I have come to love and cherish.

Last game played: April 24th 2014

Silvertabby
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Hi Jeffrey and welcome to

Hi Jeffrey and welcome to Olga. Congratulations on quitting tonight! That's the first step. It's not easy to do and once we quit, it's not easy to stay quit. However, with the support and encouragement from this community, we are doing it. We've quit and are getting our lives back from the gaming monster and you can too.

After I quit, when I felt like gaming (and that was pretty much all the time), I'd come and read posts here and post. It really helps. In addition, there's a meeting every night in the chat room at 9 pm EST. Join if you can. Best of luck to you!

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

Clouds
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Hi Jeffrey, I think you

Hi Jeffrey,

I think you found the right place. OLGA has been nothing but supportive of me during my time here and I'm sure it will be the same for you. As CrissCross has mentioned, everyone is different and my advice may or may not apply to you. The reasons why I gamed differ to a degree from what you described. And these reasons are what drives compulsive behaviour to a degree (in my opinion). Nonetheless, after reading over your post there are many similarities.

I originally got consumed about gaming while in high school. I was a bit of an outcast and found acceptance from my peers by excelling at a first person shooter. It felt good to be accepted and even admired. Unfortunately, even after I stopped gaming with my friends I still had the urge to game--which migrated to MMOs, RPGs, and turn based strategies. These games in turn became a form of escapism. When I feel anxious I want to game. But when I game I neglect things in real life and become anxious because of that.. which only leads to a vicious cycle.

I've been on and off this site for a few months now. I'll be going strong and then return to my old ways. At least I can tell you what has worked for me and what hasn't :)

Do:

- Look over the list of withdrawl symptoms. (link off the homepage)

- Attend the meetings on a regular basis

- Remember that we want you to recover!

- Read the message boards when you have the urge to game; it is OK to put in a lot of time here during your first while game free.

Don't:

- Think that you well let us down if you relapse. I relapsed many times and it was all a part of the recovery process. If I would have given up I wouldn't be getting better today.

All the best, see you at the meetings!

Clouds

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Can't say what cloud just

Can't say what cloud just said enough. It doesn't matter if you've been off of games for 10 years or 10 minutes, if you're trying to stop this is the place to be and the meetings are the place to come.

You'll find an unconditional love here from gamer to gamer: regardless of what you did while you were gaming, what you do if you return to gaming, or if you just stay here, we'll love you the same regardless!

Last game played: April 24th 2014

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CrissCross wrote: Can't say
CrissCross wrote:

Can't say what cloud just said enough. It doesn't matter if you've been off of games for 10 years or 10 minutes, if you're trying to stop this is the place to be and the meetings are the place to come.

You'll find an unconditional love here from gamer to gamer: regardless of what you did while you were gaming, what you do if you return to gaming, or if you just stay here, we'll love you the same regardless!

This, this, this--a thousand times this.

No matter where you are in addiction or recovery, you are still deserving of the same respect, dignity, love, and support that everyone else is. And besides, we recovering gamers take good care of our own.

Don't worry if you relapse a few times. It took me four relapses over the course of six months to fully, honestly, instinctually accept that gaming isn't something I can control or reason with, that I don't like the person I become when I'm gaming, and that it's been that way for my whole life. As with any skill in life, recovery requires attentive practice--but the rewards you get from really living are so much better than those you get from gaming. And that's a promise.

See you at the meetings. Many hugs.

Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.

SwimnOMer86
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To everyone - Thank you so

To everyone -

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful responses. I've barely been on OLGA a day and already I feel inspired to stay committed to kicking my addiction. I'm mostly just trying to stay busy... packing to move to a new apartment in 2 weeks. Tonight, my sister and I are learning how to make black bean burgers! So that's good, right? it's hard to stay away from the computer, though! There's so many other things that I do on it... I'm also trying to rediscover the things that I truly enjoy doing - these are the things that will fill the gaps, fill the void. But I can barely remember what I liked doing outside of video gaming, outside of League of Legends.

I really aprreciate you guys and hearing your stories. I will be at the meeting tonight.

Jeffrey

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SwimnOMer86 wrote: .... I'm
SwimnOMer86 wrote:

.... I'm also trying to rediscover the things that I truly enjoy doing - these are the things that will fill the gaps, fill the void. But I can barely remember what I liked doing outside of video gaming, outside of League of Legends.

....

Just so you know, this is a symptom of addiction. By the time I quit I didn't have any interest at all in anything outside playing. It will get better over time, but slowly. It's great that you are staying away from the computer--you are totally on the right track. And the cravings will be severe for a few days, but they will eventually lessen. Then it will be time to engage in some serious recovery activities, like working the 12 steps, getting therapy, reconnecting and rebuilding relationships you have neglected, etc.: whatever will work for you. Your brain is being re-wired. 12 miles into the forest, 12 miles out. One step at a time. You're doing great!

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

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Welcome! i too, am an

Welcome! i too, am an escapee of World of Warcraft...crack?

That was a tough one to quit, but I had a lot of help here at OLGA. Join us in the meetings! the people there are a lot of fun, they know what it's like to quit, and we're all learning how to live life again.

Welcome!

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The best part is that nobody

The best part is that nobody is judgmental at all. You can relapse and not feel any shame in it. It happens. When you live in a society such as ours where we're surrounded by advanced technology, there is the ease of accessibility associated with the virtual world. It's like telling a crackhead in recovery to go back to living in the slums, surrounded by crack dealers and other drugs that landed them in rehab in the first place. Though we may relapse, we learn from it and, yes, I also believe it's part of the recovery process.

It's time to make up for lost time!

Game free since May 20, 2013.

SwimnOMer86
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Again, I appreciate

Again, I appreciate everybody's helpful comments. I went to my first OLGA meeting last night and just hearing everyone's shares was really supportive.

It's my second full day of quitting League of Legends... and I gotta say, it's truly difficult. I'm in the house by myself (my dog excluded), and its very hard to find things to do outside of the computer. I live pretty far from most of my friends. I'm sticking to the commitment though, I'm going to just grit my teeth and hope for the best. Right now, I miss the game - the way it made me feel, how I become absorbed by it, how it made me forget my real-world obligations. I feel very VERY vulnerable at this moment. I've forgotten how to live an enjoyable life outside of the virtual world. This will all improve, right? It's gets better, that's what everyone says.

For the past few months, I denied that I was an addict. I told myself that I was in control of my play time, that I could get up from this computer chair whenever I wanted. However, I wouldn't be trying to bargain with myself and jump right back in that chair today if I wasn't an addict.

I'll be attending lots of meetings, hopefully. Luckily, it seems that most of the meetings fall during my peak playing time. I'm so used to sitting down at my computer after dinner... and playing League of Legends until 3 am or later... even if I had to be at work at 8 am the next day. These meetings should help me block that behavior.

Again, thank you everyone for your time and support.

Jeffrey

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Jeff, You make a really

Jeff,

You make a really valid point...coming to the nightly meetings may help you break the old gaming routine...brilliant and insightful! Keep writing it out and coming back. There is much compassion, support, wisdom and knowledge here to be shared and some hearty laughs, too. And the best part is... knowing now that you are not alone in this journey.

So glad that you are here.

"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation." taken from Papyrus, Corp.

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Hi Jeffrey and welcome.

Hi Jeffrey and welcome. Drink extra water and try to get in some sweaty exercise. Always a good idea but especially this first month. Both will help a lot with dealing with cravings and with getting restful sleep. See you at a meeting.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

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ChrisMix26 wrote: Though we
ChrisMix26 wrote:

Though we may relapse, we learn from it and, yes, I also believe it's part of the recovery process.

Me, too, I agree.

I found OLGA a year after I tried to quit games--many times with many relapses. It all taught me how strong this addiction can be for some of us.

SwimnOMer86
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I really want to reinstall

I really want to reinstall right now!!! :( :( :( someone help!!! I'm getting messages from friends from the game (I know about half of them in real life) And they miss me.. .And I miss them! And I really REALLY WANT TO PLAY WITH THEM.

Jeffrey

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If your friends brought over

If your friends brought over baby rattlesnakes for you to pet and feed, would you do it?

For me, I had to stop all contact with friends, family or anyone else I gamed with. It's like quitting drinking and not hanging out with the drinkers.

SwimnOMer86
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Patria wrote: If you
Patria wrote:

If you friends brought over baby rattlesnakes for you to pet and feed, would you do it?

For me, I had to stop all contact with friends, family or anyone else I gamed with. It's like quitting drinking and not hanging out with the drinkers.

Yes... yes you're right. I just keep getting the thoughts like "Maybe this time I can control it!" "Just one or two games..." "Jeffrey, you ARE socializing, these are people you know in real life." All bargaining... sighhhh... this just isn't easy.

I did call and set up an appointment with a therapist today. First time ever in my life, so I'm pretty excited about it.

As always, thank you OLGA community for your support... And Patria for the quick response.

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Clouds wrote: These games in
Clouds wrote:

These games in turn became a form of escapism. When I feel anxious I want to game. But when I game I neglect things in real life and become anxious because of that.. which only leads to a vicious cycle.

This is how I feel right now. I feel anxious. I also realize that I often turn to a game to reward myself for doing some work task. So, maybe I need to come up with a different reward or just read/write posts here as my reward.

♥Alicia♥ 
October 15, 2019

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Hi SwimnOMer86,  I wish

Hi SwimnOMer86,

I wish you the best of luck.

♥Alicia♥ 
October 15, 2019

Patria
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SwimnOMer86
SwimnOMer86 wrote:

"Jeffrey, you ARE socializing, these are people you know in real life." All bargaining... sighhhh... this just isn't easy.

I did call and set up an appointment with a therapist today. First time ever in my life, so I'm pretty excited about it.

Well, neither one of us were addicted to socializing. When I quit gaming, my gaming friends were not my real life friends, so it was easy for me to stop the connection with them.

But when I quit drinking, some of my friends were friends before I quit drinking. If they were just drinking buddies, I didn't pursue the friendship. Real life friends--who I drank with--I told them I had a problem drinking and needed to stop now, as it didn't agree with me. Most people didn't say anything other than one friend who drank worse than I did didn't think I needed to quit. Well I did need to quit and so did she.

We have to do whatever it takes to change. No worries, though. You'll soon find new friends.

Patria
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AliciaM wrote: This is how
AliciaM wrote:

This is how I feel right now. I feel anxious. I also realize that I often turn to a game to reward myself for doing some work task. So, maybe I need to come up with a different reward or just read/write posts here as my reward.

I was very anxious when I quit games. My head would not calm down, and often I felt like I was bouncing off the walls (sleep was interrupted at night, too). Withdrawals from excessiving gaming are kind of tough.

But, after awhile the withdrawals calm down, and I was eventually able to sleep wonderfully long nights. Glorious!

Hang in there. Get some exercise, drink lots of water, read, watch tv., get out and hike, give yourself permission to feel bad for a few days, and come to meetings and/or post and read posts on OLGA. That helped me a lot.

AliciaM
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Thank you, Patria. I'm

Thank you, Patria. I'm feeling better today. I have been walking more and that does seem to be helping. My life all of a sudden got really busy too, so I'm well distracted. When life calms down again, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

♥Alicia♥ 
October 15, 2019

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