Hi Oolga.
Despite my confidence in managing the game time, I admit I relapsed. I even begged my wife to get me from worse. Its one day I went wrong: Today. I did play before the previous 2 weeks at a mximum of 1 hour a day, but all of you must have expierenced this Today suddenly I was playing 4 hours where I did not plan that.
I rained hours on end..I was bopred..sleeping children in my arms...all excuses.
But now I feel tired..depressed, tensed and above all dumb and guilty, but I am motiviated again to leave the gaming alone and add this to experience. I dont feel very bad ....but I feel the same as I felt for years..Only now with a difference I felt much better in the previous weeks, so now I know...this is wrong....
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
****ed...I fealt so good lately... I hope I did not screw up....and hope I wont detox too long..
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Don't beat yourself up! Just remember that today is a new day. Just start over. Do this ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I am steaming off trying to be rational to find what I did wrong :
1. I am still coping the idea that I have Aspergers - It came as a shock..taking defences down
2. Its the first time that since I quit I had holidays for 7 days so far now
3. I felt pretty good, and nade a ckassic error : yes I did program myself not to play, but the thought its not too bad to try slipped in
4. I started to play at 630 AM in the morning...While when I played before it was always like 10 PM for an hout ar most as Sleeo would come.
So going to step one it brought me:
-->exhaustion--> slight depression-->slight tension
so now going back to all other hobbies I have :-)
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
thanks my friend...Yes its a very new situation..As long the structure of work/ non work/ weekend was there I could do it...One hour at the time is for today....Its a learning process, I must learn to behave..also in non standard situations
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Like I said "DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP". We all have slip ups.
Like you said do this "ONE HOUR AT A TIME"
This too shall pass.
Lets be positive. At least I worked 4 months on myself without gaming.. I made 1 wrong day and I realise this at once ...I was warned this would happen but I am too stubborn to listen
I beg all of you : never disagree with me in my blogs ... When you say you see it differnt I will take notice..honestly
So I learned : not to jump behind tthe PC on a rainy day during Annual leave///When I do not start up a game. I now realize the difference between early in the morning and late at night. Early in the morning I am full of energy , and full of stress, and I noticed addiction kicked in, and I lost self control...
I played earlier this week the same in the evening at 10, when I had a bit of energy...Then my body is prepare to rest...and then the addiction drive is far less. .so I managed my self control.
I dont say that we all should start playing this evening...as thats not safe... I only try to see the reason in my mistake. I believe that rolling into binge gaming is more likely to happen when the activity starts when awakening, compared then trying before going to sleep.
I also found that I was brought into helpless feeling by the new budget plans of my government, deleting ALL social security and enabling house prices to drop and mortgage interest to increase...And taking away lay off protection. Also it is unlike the untied states where the state can wave property debt after selling...Here in NL that will never happen, so even with a job you can now loose it all with this new plan.
This made me very afraid as I cannot oversee the chaos they create....Gaming eased the pain...This is what I must mention to my psychologist, as I could have done better....:( I need a tool I can use when the government attacksthe middle class working population ...And all my fears were confirmed by top economists ...so I was right in seeing the dark clouds ( so dont tell me to ignore the news...its bad )
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
I made a nice meal for my fmily and although our youngest toddler of 1,5 got into a famous toddler rage attack...the activity made me feel much better ...and the availabity of Olga to make my story. I think Katesong told us she went though the same as me...too often
Now I will read my book, and watch star trek, and practice the grips of my clarinet ( when the kids are asleep, I cant play loud and that thing only has one volume...at least how I play it :p
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Good for you. You are doing great. Proud of you. keep up the good work.
Just one day at a time.
hugs
Welcome to the real world of addiction. The above states it beautifully.
Even when we want to moderate or quit, we can't. That's the addiction.
You have no more control over the addiction than anyone else here.
The time is right to stop the addiction by having a good, solid recovery program. I recommend the steps to you as you seem to like rules. Rules (steps) 1-12 will help you get focused on real recovery.
Believe me, you will love the result.
Hi Pat. I just faced the difference between cured, a little bit recoivered and fully recovered.
My spirit say : cured. My mind say : well recovered: Mu body say , whooo wait a minute.
I can happily say that once I stepped in the real world back..I felt better again...so all my work of the past 4 months and Olga and 12 steps.....seem to make me stronger to bounce back into real life once relapse seem to take place.... 4 hours of recovery makes me be happy again :)
I think my government made me trigger relapse...and that is part I am working on with my psych,.what to do when something bad happens out of my control. How strong will I be..what will I do, and what I will not do. The odd thing is...my wife started to binge : hand work...almost furious..when she heard the same bad news from the government and the economy.
So I talk with my psychologist again as although this relapse was nasty..I t helps me understand my case..and who I am. And yes I love rules...but I must mark my rules in granite., and not in clay. So I wont ever start gaming ever again ...at dawn.....
Sorry but I Am not fully ready to submit...but now I am in contact with my body I notice the moment it goes wrong...and I will be running back into this haven^^
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
p.s. the problem is when I woud not have gamed...I would have worked my ass off..or I would have found any other activity to go berserk on...so gaming is a significant problem within a bigger problem. I must solve both problems to make quiting succesful (The results are still very good, and I only sinned 4 hours untill I noticed I was off target) 4 hours in 4 months is not perfect...but its not the end of the world As long as I wont do this again :)
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Surrender.
As long as you keep fighting to do it "your way" it will be a rough road.
I hear you. But with Aspergers, I have fought all my life. Olga paved my road to just small hurdles...so it looks like a show ride.
I am just not ready yet to quit the fight..yet I am very close..its just that last hurlde..I dont need to know the gaming me, but I must learn the Asperger me...That part needs to submit.
I hear you as the result is all that counts and not the how to get there...and the result is set.
Also realize that Aspergers normally dont believe in God as God is not rational. I do, but only through experience..all my faith I gained fighting...thats the price I am happy to pay, as long I remain honest it will work, dont worry about me :-D...
And my life improved 99% so far already I will never give that up..My depression and tension already gone.... Olga made me strong enough to recover from mistakes..I must keep coming back.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
I personally believe God is rational. I used to be an atheist, then an agnostic, and now I believe in God because it is very rational.
But that's my opinion for me. I don't particularly think religions are rational, or only as rational as the individuals who think them up.
Three things....
1. PROGRESS NOT PERFETION
2. ONE DAY AT A TIME (OR MAYBE ONE HOUR AT A TIME)
3. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
Hugs Eve! Sorry to hear about the slip, but glad you're here my friend! :)
Sincerely,
JJ
"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other" -Abraham Lincoln
Sorry to hear about your relapse but also I'm glad to see you here working on your recovery process I think is a good sign the fact that now you are aware about this kind of situations could happened and in that sense you can develop mechanisms to prevent a future relapse. Is good to see that you are being honest about your relapse. :)
Hugs.
"Take what you need and leave the rest." I got nothing but moments to live.
i am sorry to hear you lost control and moderated.
so maybe now you are not Asperger??????
because Aspergers don't moderate????
please consider you don't know what you are talking about.
you are a gaming addict, plagued with gameaholisom, and there may be hope for you.
gl hf
leveling in steps, serenity, sponcys, sponsors, exercise, and sleep, (sanity has been downsized) sober from all electronic games since 11/19/2010
Hirsch. I think the autism is correct. Autistic people need more time to precss information
I will now mmake summary of what I have been told ...so this is not my opinion..just a summary of 2 stories been told to me.
I think there is a gap between the healthcenter psychologists and this form
The healthcenter peeps say : yeah its good to learn to have behavior addiction undr control in order to geat the addicyion
Here you guys say quit completely.
When I quit I was happy. When I gamed I was a little less happy.
One part of the world say : People withh ASS need 1 hour gaming to escape the chaos of the world and when trained...they can stick to the hour
Other people say addiction can only be "cured"(recovered) by not taking it anymore.
I agree with all. Yes the computer gives comfort after chaos...chaos with kids...the government..the daily sh**... I feel happy when all is quiet..like I love a forest or library..but kids are fun too...just a bit chaotic.
But more chaos would put me more behind the pc..and then I relapse.
so I get more chaos.
So my recovery was about create less chaos without PC: What works very well. Then why the PC keeps lurking is I think part of the behavior addiction...to feel safe as for instance at work I sit behind two PC's all day. Sitting behind a PC creates a sense of rest less chaos..order. Also when I work
So they tell me a the centre: I am behavior addict when the chaos become too large. Gaming addiction is only part of that. Again gaming adiiction is there longest, stronger and dominant. but its not the only one. So now I am trained to behave. Gaming I agree is somthing I do not need so I can let go. But addicted to work, or cycling, or hiking, or eating..or addicted to get more stress..are things that are harder to beat as quiting them is not helping in those instances.
So again I must learn to control..(and dont read gaming here)
When I game I do not feel euphoria. (i have read many addicts feel that) To me its just another world where I feel some comfort, like I would feel comfort when reading a book as when I read, I am immediatly in that other world.
Escapaism is ok for Asperger, as long ... its under reasonable limits. (like escapaism through reading or watch TV) Gaming would be to those who are not addicted. But then the question rises. When gaming brings comfort ... then why are Aspergers addicted in a ration of 1 in 10, while the national avarege is 1 in 100.(with adults)
A lot of questions I need to learn. for all behavior but I wont bother you guys..thats for te psych.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
You know, if you have any questions, you SHOULD "bother" us. Really, sometimes we need more posts to reply to.
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
~Mariah Carey's Song "Through The Rain"
Life's too short to end right now. Think about those who love and care for you. There's always a silver lining in the clouds. There's always sunlight somewhere down the road. One day, looking back, you will appreciate. Don't spend your life regretting. Just raise your head, and make it through the rain.
Hi Eve,
When I gamed I didn't feel euphoria, but relief. It gave me a respite, an escape as you've described it, from the real world. I had control in that space. It was definitely a place where I processed the emotions that were too much for me otherwise.
The alternatives for me now are prayer, meditation, service, and meetings. Working the steps reduces my emotional stress level so fewer things require that I need to isolate to process them. I get the escape from stress through the program, so I don't need to game any more.
I didn't feel euphoria either. I felt euphoria when I drank (not everytime I drank) or smoked some herbs.
When I gamed--at least initially, the first two years--I gamed because I loved it, it was fun, I was able to play like a youngster and keep up, got to be one of the "boys" (some were girls and some were in their 40s and 50s), I loved the strategy, the skills, the preparation, the goals and achievements, the camaraderie, the laughter on vent, the whole guild and raiding idea.
But, the last two years the game became miserable. The good players left and had good lives, created families. The game degenerated into achievements and mindless tasks. The jokes became mean and vindictive. The hate, cynicism, and greed was hard to bear. (bare?)
Anyway, it stopped being fun about the 2d year, but I went on to play 6 more years--addictively.
There is nothing euphoric about addictions. The problem with addictions is that we are always trying to get back to a time when the substance or behaviour* worked. But the bad news is, that will never happen again.
I can't game, either. Period.
I am still trying to figure out why I kept playing. Most times I was just plain bored. My storage bin had just about as many decorations and other things as my islands had. At one point I had so many decorations, rides, shops and restaruants and food shacks on my islands that I had very little room for my animals. But still had a need for more and more and more. I wanted so many of the special animals that cost real money, but, because of another program refused to buy those animals.
Zoom, I had that experience with one of my games. I would repeat it over and over until all my characters and weapons were maxed out. I think it was the sense of accomplishment and control it game me. My real life was completely out of control. In the game, as fake as it was, I felt like I was progressing.
Completely crazy, of course, but who said I was sane!!
I felt just like that. I was the ZooMaster and in complete control of my Zoo. There was nothing that I couldn't do in my zoo. Yeal Right. I was isolating from REAL LIFE. I scheduled my life around my game, but, didn't tell that to my REAL LIFE friends. It was so very easy to do. Right now I am going through the "coming down" stage. I am so very tired most of the time. I wake up in the morning refreshed, but, after I do one thing I am wiped out. Use to be when I got tired I would go play my game and thought that I felt better and refreshed. Now when I get tired I have no desire to play the game. I am in hopes that this will soon pass. I know it will. I just don't know how long.
I read before that psycologists say that you have to quit little by little... from my own experience, i'm sorry but that's very stupid... it's like trying to moderate and moderation is not possible... lets imagine that i want to quit following the doc's advise, ok day one 10 hours, day two 8 hours, day three 6 hours... day seven 4 hours... yeee i did it, i reduced my time from 10 hours to just 4, so today i'm gonna allow one more hour, so day eight 5 hours, day nine 6 hours (nobody will notice)... one month again playing 20 hours. I know myself and this is gonna happen with me if i follow the psyc recommendation... this maybe won't happen if the psyc come to live with me at my house and chain me.
I have to say that the decision on quit all together was mine, nobody at OLGA told me that... also my mother told me "when something is poisoning your life then remove it from the root"... she was quite right.
Good luck and one suggestion, just focus on your recovery that's more important... search for information is good but at some point there are so many diversing opinions that at the end you will end with a huge confussion... think about it.
Thanks for all your concerns. I admit I cannot control the feelings for gaming.
When I quit 3 months my motivation was one day I could play again. When today my reward is an hour of joy at the end of the day. I can control that hour apart from one time very precise. When someone say moderation does not work..Its true,, I do not want to believe. When an expert say : you can moderate my heart leaps of joy.
But it has some disadvantage:When I play a little I feel that odd tension back in the morning..that AB or cortisol level.
I wonder what I like most nowadays in a game . Yes I enjoy. But there is more. Untill I was 25 I spent always in my room..in isolation, or when living alone I loved being alone. That is the Asperger mind. When I got involved and married my respons was to seek isolation.Gaming is perfect for that. Now with kids thats even harder.. I think that hour of isolation works as comfort...Also a book gives that comfort so a game is not the only way to reach that level..Yoga gives that too.
That is my part of what appears the Aperger. I do not want to live alone and love the family life. But where social contact relaxs to most...it is not as relaxing to me as others...
But gaming makes it a bit harder. And that is where control comes in. even one hour gives a somewhat negative affect on my mood what off course displeases me as its a sign of that I best do not proceed. I know understand why so many people always try again after some time...When feeling bad not gaming is easy But when all negative effects from gaming are gne ( and they were) ...ouch then the motivation drops....and it get much harder to stay sane.
When it then doesnt work it feels like a big disapointment. It somehow shows that moderation does not work. Most say thar they continue to play more...But maybe we must realize that one hour a day, even when we can do that.....will also bring back the negative hormons(or disbalabce) we used to have when we gamed more often ....
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
The problem that I find with moderation is that -- I realize for myself -- I cannot truly want it to work because of how I silently, secretly, guiltily, and obsessivly say, "I like this, and I want more".
Whenever I ask myself about my motives for wanting to moderate at all, I just find myself making defensive excuses for myself.
When I say, "I want to be able to moderate", what am I actually saying that I want to do? I realize that I am really saying, "I want to be able to game and not be addicted to it", something that is impossible for me because of the way I have inadvertently taught my brain to react to it.
NO, I LITERALLY CAN'T DO THAT. I AM AN ADDICT. I cannot play video games without experiencing addictive reactions the stimulus that video games supply. Therefore, I cannot play video games without feeding my addiction to video games. Therefore, any attempt at "moderation" will uncompromisingly and directly feed my addiction, and ultimately lead to the same imbalances (biochemical and behavioral) which lead to my dispair and loss of so much that I used to know to be mine (friends, family, faith, joy, wonder, excitement, joy, the ability to be me and have a life of my own apart from video games).
I think for me.. it's realizing who i am.. that kind of ruined the fun of gaming for me. You can't change who you are....
Only your actions.
Thats why for those of us who are habitual excessive gamers.. Moderation doesn't work.
If you truly desire to quit excessive gaming then you prolly aren't gonna be able to game at all....
Thats just the way it is. And its not gonna really change. Because it's who you are when it comes to gaming.
That doesn't make you a bad person.
But I encourage you to not try to fool yourself again into thinking.. "oh now i've changed.. I can long term moderate" thats just bogus...
If you are gonna game.. game... If you want to be able to quit..
You have to let go of that fantasy.....
No, moderation never works. Your temptation takes over, and your mind wikll just go along with it. Before you know it, you've played 5 more hours than you've planned, and you're like oh well. Moderation will never work. What will work, is to just say to yourself, from tomorrow, i'm never going to game. Your mind won't let you slowly decrease the number of hours you game. It may work, for about three days.You can never moderate to 0 min per day. Just quit completely, it's the best and least painful way.
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
~Mariah Carey's Song "Through The Rain"
Life's too short to end right now. Think about those who love and care for you. There's always a silver lining in the clouds. There's always sunlight somewhere down the road. One day, looking back, you will appreciate. Don't spend your life regretting. Just raise your head, and make it through the rain.
I guess you are right. I gamed a week..and indeed , inspired by good results and motivation I got more confident. A trigger hit me ...and I thought what the heck..and lost control Only 1 day.
The results is that I Am now 4 days depressed, having stress. sweating. All symptoms of withdrawal, what seems the same symptoms of burnout. Perhaps burnout and addiction are the same.
I hate the games even more then I already did. I cant find any enjoyment, and I must know the road to getting well is through meditation. self awareness.
I think thats my biggest fear. Especially when sitting in this period. The thought of self awerenss keeps making me nervous,,afraid. After a lifetime of watching TV..playing games..having stress at work..my thoughts have always been disabled..switched off my own me..live outside my body. finding stress to make the day pass quicker.
The more being in that spiral, the more I need it. Now I am 40 my body say its finished. Its not only the games the problem..Its the complete stress addiction ..the addction to not be myself..the must to do something..not able to sit still...Every day I start depressed while before I relapsed that was gone.
I think the only need to moderate that thinking of a day not gaming...beats all confident out of me. Yet I feel so much better when I dont do it. I am just so afraid. for me. the though of living in my body again ...is scaring. But the only way to grow over fear is to expose myself..to go on, and to meditate, When I am happy again it will be better.
I also think that my first holidays in years...even we stay home...made it extra though this week. thanks
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Hey Eve. Welcome back to week one!-) the great thing is, you learned some major things and you corrected yourself quickly after seeing the error of your ways. I am reminded that in the early years of AA they enjoyed a 50-75% recovery rate. The differences were illuminating tho. They siad 50% for one shot joined AA and got the big spiritual experience which recovered them. Or is it 75% factoring in the half of the half who relapsed and woke up after falling on their face again... came back to the program and THEN recovered without drinking again. Depends how you read the stats apparently, hopefully I got it right.
What they did differently was have beginners meetings (book:"back to basics" courtesy sponsor tyvm) where over 4 weeks you got the 12 steps in 4 one hour sessions, then joined the AA closed meetings once you proved you were "in" by going thru the 12 steps in the beginners meetings.
I am fully confident that we are the tip of a massive iceberg where over the next 5-10 years, OLGA will explode worldwide into a large AA type program and we will be able to attend local F2F meetings near all of us.
Why? Because of stories like yours, Eve. You are brave, Bro and I appreciate your free association posting right of the top of your brain. Thanks for coming back and sharing what you have learned. You help us all.
btw, growing wisdom includes learning from failures, your own and others' too. Shake the dust off and say "well, there's one more thing we tried that doesn't work."
OLGA Home Page: "We advocate and provide a 12-Step Program of recovery. For those who are interested in a formalized meeting approach, we provide both a traditional 12-step program and a modified program for atheists and agnostics." I advocate and use the 12 steps programs, which have helped tens of millions of addicts of all kinds recover.