Three Months Clean

One quick thing before I start this - a couple of my recovery buddies relapsed recently so I'm writing this. This is actually my 4th attempt at trying to quit, though my first with OLGA. The other times was 1 month, 2 months and then 6 months. I think a lot of back and forth goes on in the recovery process but every time we manage to stay away it helps for future. This time has definitely gone much much better.

Also I write these for myself hence they're a bit long :p

I didn't realize, but 21 August I was 3 months game free. Just some things I got done this month:

1. Highlight is the conference talk which went well, lots of good things related to that

2. Research direction in some nuts-and-bolts way, plus someone who is a very good scholar and who I can consult/ask for help (need to mail her asap)

3. Wrote a paper for the other conference - it's not finished, but I have 80% of it done

4. Went for one job interview, another job interview I kind of turned them down since they weren't paying me enough, and a third one is for the 28th of this month - working on the application to that one. These two won't happen till October so no immediate money from them but I feel more experienced/out there and confident with handling these things. The interview this month went well and I'm pretty much 90% sure I have the work (unless something crazy happens), and it's stuff I'd like to do.

5. Signed up for my GRE etc tests, and started studying for it. Also started studying for other PhD related stuff

6. Got a brain wave about a website that I've started working on (related to academics but also my activist work)

7. Three moments I want to count for this month - one is my mother telling me she had just been feeling lonely when I called her randomly once (would not have happened had I been gaming, I would have missed that time with her); second is the friend I texted randomly when I was bored (and wanted to game) - we talked a bit online since then and today he called me to wish me on my birthday and we had a great conversation - again something that wouldn't have happened had I been gaming; third is this girl who had an interview yesterday and was really nervous and called me for a pep talk (which I was happy to deliver :)) - she thought of me because I had helped her with her application stuff, the essay etc and reached out to her and she ended up counting on me a bit - that's also something that never happened when I was gaming. I just wasn't around for people, and as much as I want friends, I also want to be around for people - someone they can turn to if they need, and this is something I've been trying to work on (I just mean with stuff I CAN do).

8. Ventured out of my kitchen comfort zone and learned to cook spinach (made a very nice spaghetti with spinach and tomatoes!) and chickpeas - I know very simple, but usually I stick to roasting vegetables and boiling things :p Addding those two things to my diet (protein and iron) was most welcome.

9. Some really nice memories/moments this month - some time I spent with an American girl (who is gone now) and two other friends, we had a few really nice dinner conversations; with her and another girl overnight on the train where we had a kind of slumber-party chat which was super fun and nice (plus some cuddling -teehee) and the next morning we had this fun pillow fight; hanging out with three guys in their house where we talked about personality types and everything which was also really relaxed and fun; going to the park in another city with 4 people I had just met, including someone who is my new friend - it was really beautiful walking around in the dusk, listening to the bamboo trees rustling against each other, and there was salted warm corn to nibble on; the evening before that at a house party - people were smoking too much, but after a few people had left, me, two guys and a girl (two of them married and two of us single) had some crazy discussions - I don't remember about what, just life and experiences, and I just remember laughing a lot.

10. Getting a Sponsor (I think, so far!). Going for that chat meeting, talking to LS, realizing theres a lot more stuff I can do out here. Self-reflection taken to some exponential level. Looking forward to all of that.

11. Driving is so much better, I can handle any kind of traffic now - I feel confident. My only concern a bit is that I have a tendency towards slight (!) recklessness.

12. Swam a lot for about half the month, slacked off rest of the month (plus got 'busy')

13. My relationship with my dad might actually have improved slightly - still not talking to him, but the silence between us feels less hostile and more peaceful.

14. Noticing some small changes in my thinking/behaviour which I'm fine tuning. Doing things that need to be done feels a lot easier. Talking to people seems easier/lighter.

15. Figured out some stuff to do to deal with my past with my exes, and also to write a gaming history to understand this better.

16. Either because I'm studying communication, I'm making a LOT more eye contact with people and because of that it feels that instead of 'hiding/avoiding' people and interactions, I'm able to give something, say something etc. Just changes things a bit.

17. Started learning Braille and sign language.

Bad or Gaming related stuff:

1. Still no proper job etc and I'll need to move out in 2 months when it's back to my parents house (don't want that), or I don't know

2. Had some depressed/bad days when I was feeling really messed up in the head, they were of shorter duration than I remember before though

3. Someone from the game mailed me this week saying that even if I wasn't playing do I want to join in on a skype group chat thing - it was someone fairly random who happens to be on my gmail chat list (i put them on never show a while ago), and I thought the idea was ridiculous (it's not even people I know) but I did have the temptation moment of wondering maybe someone I know well will be there - but yeah, I did easily recognize it as a complete waste of time. The thing I spent some time thinking about was whether I should mail them back and say something or not, and from what I had posted earlier about my game forums and the advice I had been given I realized - it doesn't matter at all to mail them, it's not like it matters to anyone. So I just ended up ignoring it and stopped thinking about it. (Had this been actual friends I know I would have thought a lot more, but I think my actual friends would not want me back in the game anyway.)

4. While I've been really aware of the time-loss from gaming, I recently had one morning nostalgia session over the game. I think it is related to the time-loss because I've been feeling this wrench about the time gone by, and not thinking about the game, but suddenly it all came back - not playing as such, but seeing my character's name (my name, as I thought of it then) on the clan list and how it would be a different colour now because of being inactive. And then I thought of my other clan and mostly about what I had put into it - not in terms of time or effort, but of emotions. Basically I had tried to play in a certain way, be a certain kind of player and THAT came back to me, just the feeling of being that person. That had given me something and I was left with very mixed emotions because it's not something I want to mentally throw away - that feeling I mean, it's something that I felt was a part of me, who I wanted to be at one level. It's something I had to struggle with while playing as well because people play in all sorts of ways and many people didn't take their characters seriously the way I did, but for me there was a real connection between how my character was and how I was.

5. I broke my diet today - though it's my birthday so I don't know if that's okay, it depends on what I do the next few weeks - but yeah. I've been eating a lot of dark chocolate :) I might abstain for another year, it's kind of nicer because my body isn't used to it, even a small amount makes you feel light headed.

Ok this is really long, I can write forever, but I have to run! :)