Ups & Downs + Sponsors!

Hey all,
Things have been going great this past week. There have certainly been some ups and downs, but I feel that overall I have been making good progress.

This post is rather long but it was nice for me to type out a recap. Read it or skim it if you want. :)

I'll start with the down. Last weekend, my girlfriend was out of town and I had a lot of work to do. I was feeling a bit lonely and overwhelmed. Suddenly, the desire to game emerged, and of course, I didn't see the connection. So I wound up giving in to the desire and pulling an all-nighter. I knew in the back of my mind that it was a bad idea, but that didn't matter to me at the time. I felt like doing it, so I did it. It was a perfect escape from the reality of my situation and responsibilities.

The next morning was less than fun. I was still awake at 10am, so I had been up for about 24 hours straight - and spent about 12 of those hours gaming. I ate breakfast with some close friends, and they could see that I had obviously been awake all night. I felt ashamed and defensive.
I had told another friend I would help him on his film set, and I had to call and tell him I couldn't make it because I hadn't slept well. I felt terrible.

Damage done, I decided to go to sleep. When I woke up, it was about 6 pm, and I decided I needed to get to a meeting badly.
So I biked to an NA meeting. It was fantastic. It was a mid-size meeting so I didn't feel comfortable revealing the nature of my addiction to the group, but I shared in general terms. It was nice to get it off my chest and take in some of the wisdom from other group members. They were very receptive and welcoming, and the message I got was "You've come to the right place." After the meeting, some people came up to me and insisted I take phone numbers, and to call them any time. I told one guy about my computer addiction and he said "as far as I'm concerned, the drugs are just a symptom. The disease is the same." which I think is very true.

Anyway, things went okay after that. I wrote about the experience in my recovery journal and started breaking down my behavior- and the pros and cons of it. I'm going to reproduce something from my journal here in case anyone can benefit from it.

Quote:[table]
[tr][td]Feelings I experience when I play games:[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]The bad (predominant):
Stimulation
Frustration
Anger

My brain feels wired, overworked, stressed,
tense, grinding gears, strung out.

Feelings I get when on a binge:
Hopelessness
Self-loathing
Powerlessness
Resignation
Apathy[/td]
[td]The good (rare/weaker):
Enjoyment/Fun
Artistic appreciation (Design, story, mechanics, artwork)
Achievement

I can get all this stuff without the negative side effects.
Substitutues:
Card/Board games
Films
Literature
Friends
Dreams[/td][/tr]
[/table]

So now, the good news!

Monday, I made an effort to make up for my flake-out on the film set. I woke up at 9:30am (I usually sleep in `til 11!) and went to help my friend pick up the equipment from his location. Only a few people were willing or able to assist, and I know my help was appreciated.

Tuesday, I went back to the tiny NA step study meeting and wound up leading it this time! A woman who is a regular there agreed to be my temporary sponsor, and right now I am working on writing about step one. I committed to not play games for the near future, at least until I meet with her again next Tuesday. So far I have kept to that commitment!

Thursday, I went to a great Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The women there were so receptive, warm, and welcoming to me that I felt comfortable sharing about my addiction in the group (of ten or so.) "God bless you for coming!" one woman told me, "and don't get scared away because we're all women, come right on back!" I told them that I came to learn about how they are able to stay 'abstinent' when addicted to something they have to consume every day, and I got some good literature and a temporary sponsor to help me come up with a computer use plan!

So now I have a temporary step sponsor and a use plan sponsor, and I'm trying my best to start working my program. I am even thankful for whatever compelled me to go on that binge- it turned out to be just the thing I needed to say "Here is your bottom. Here is your powerlessness and unmanageability. Don't forget it."

I really feel like I've been having some good recovery this week and I hope and pray for the guidance and strength to keep going.

And finally, thank you all for being here and showing support when it felt like no one else would.
-Eliot