I have finally moved out from my parentA's place into a big town - actually the biggest town in Germany - , after I got several job invitations. I have one teaching job that has very good hourly pay, but itA's only a few hours a week and wonA't be enough to pay the bills.
I have very good prospects to get other jobs, I just need to apply, I have lotA's of letters to friends that need to be answered, lotA's of buerocratic stuff like insurance to be organized ... and yet for the last week I have found myself reading up about games increasingly. And I have even played a bit, and that bit has been increasing expotentially too ... not much playing but contrasted to the fact that I have not played for several months before this has had a lot of significance.
So instead of being effective in what I need to do to be a good friend and freelancer, I again started escaping into games.
And this needs to stop. For me, the reason is very simple... I am afraid. Afraid of finally being my own boss, afraid of being completely independant from my family and to live in a big city far away from friends and family once again.
Problem is that I do not feel fear. I have blocked my own access to this feeling a long time ago as it was too painful. So now to this day I only know that I am afraid from my reaction to the situation.
Like a person who cannot feel pain and only sees it when he has cut himself when the blood is running down the arm.
My suggestion to you would be to find out what the heck you are running away from in real life. What the heck has such a strong effect on you that you prefer to think about your hunter and that epic gear of his.
What can your hunter do, what you can do not?
Quote:I finally got a job. And with that, I became increasingly curious about playing again. I thought I accomplished my mission and it was okay to play again.
Yes, I have thought this several times, I have gone back to playing a bit on and off several times since I quit playing compulsively in february... but you know what:
Every time I go back to gaming I eventually and this happens quicker and quicker find myself to be running away from something. I donA't know what it is and why it happens. I, like you was a casual gamer once, several years ago, now I am not any more. Fortunately I am quite quick in realizing now when such a bad week like this is looming again, and I can keep my "real life" from shutting down completely like it did before.
Watched from the outside, people might say about me that I can play casually, whatA's the problem of spending 3-4 hours a day on it anyway. Problem is: I have so much stuff to do and so much stuff planned that even 2 hours of gaming are extremely detrimental to my life. And problem is that it starts with 1/2 hour and ends somewhere around 6 hours per day... been there, donA't want to get back there again.
Maybe I am going to continue my quest for finding back to casual gaming one day again, but not today. Today all the games are have have been erazed - as they have been several times this past week.
It is a bit of ironic - or ominous? - or maybe just a blessing that directly on the other side of the street of my new flat in Berlin, there is an AA meeting point. I believe I will need to attend their meetings, as my sponsor had proposed to me many months ago, now I canA't say that they are too far away *grin*
What the heck is up with us addicts?
I have a great teaching job, have already made friends with lotA's of wonderful people in Berlin, have several very prospective teaching opportunities coming up, am healthier and more beautiful than I have been ever before. I have relationships with family and friends that many others can only dream of, I have a high-set goal and I have the possibility to reach it.
...and still I am finding myself on the slippery path down into games again.
If I were not an addict I would simply bang my head against the wall in bewilderment of these strange happenings. But then ... there is something missing on my list of "achievements" ... a fulfilling relationship with a girl, the end of which had driven me into compulsive gaming in the first place.
Being an addict I know exactly what I have forgotten: I used to wake up with a thank you prayer upon my lips and I used to just say thank you and smile to the world many times a day. Over the last week this has somehow declined.
Need to get back to to my good habits
------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.
We all have good weeks and bad.
You understand what must be done.
It is the will that is often damaged in situations like this.
This is where face to face meetings do the most good, where we could talk these things out...
alas, Berlin is a long way from the Caribbean Sea, so that's not likely
But you still have today. Let's see its about 3pm there, you still have time to invest part of today into looking for employment so you can EAT. I've been at the point where half an onion was my daily food intake...
Look, you've just changed into a new situation, involving major lifestyle changes in a location where you know almost no one. It is at such times that the familiarity of the computer can become a sad replacement for those people whom you have not met yet. But you know what to do. The weekend is upon you and with it, chances to volunteer, pick up garbage, read stories to children at the library, all those things that involve meeting others that we have recommended for so long now for those recovering addicts in a new, unfamiliar place.
Me? I'm joining some sports teams at my school, the organizing meeting was yesterday. I'm putting my actions behind my words at my new location. You can too.
Chin up! You have made a good move, now you just need to follow up and not get down on yourself.
Good luck to you.
thumbsup
Leveling in Real Life
Thank you Xandtar!
Have been working almost the whole day today, now I will have an interview with a client, and afterwards will teach some classes.
I actually miscalculated and I already earn enough money to pay my room (itA's a 2 person flat and I share it with a wonderfull girl - or so I hope, have not met her yet), my organic food and my transportation needs, so my survival is not threatened, and I also have internet already, so my connection to OLGA is assured
Now I need to earn money for seminars and learning ...
You are right that it is a crisis of will and I think for today I have escaped the malicious effects of it. Tomorrow is another day.
------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.
One day at a time, brother.
One day at a time.
Leveling in Real Life
The interview was wonderful, such a great couple who want to work with me, have been thinking all morning on how to help them out, as they both have serious health and some mental health problems. The woman has lost a son, just like Liz and canA't get over her grief, and the man is a survivor who has been taking cortison most of his life because of asthma and his bone and tissue structure is exruciatingly damaged...but he still is so happy and they love each other so much, they shine with mutual love.
I need to find ways to bring them both back to health and happyness.
The world / god has been extremely good to me lately... that am allowed to work with such people
------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.
Calm force,
ThatA's surely great news! ItA's wonderful that you are taking so much pleasure from your work.
I donA't know if you saw a response from the problem you posted in my topic. I hope it helps!
Hey Leonardo, I saw the response and am still thinking about it did not want to derail your thread, as it is primarily a thread about your recovery, and in the end the thing we were talking about it a personal choice that everyone has to make for himeself. I will write some more on the topic here when I have time and inspiration...
------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.