Well, doh.

Hi, I'm new here and wished I had found this site a lot earlier. This will be my protocol thread and by and large I write it for myself to keep control. I will try to keep it updated frequently. I will be very appreciate of any support because frankly I do not get a whole lot from other sources. In part because people do not understand what addiction is, let alone something "silly" as video game addiction or they play games and have no issue with it.

I am 35, within what will hopefully be the last few months of my phd in science.

I have been playing games since I was about 14. In retrospect I have been drawn to games in an unhealthy way since day one. It was the biggest thing ever to me and I was more attracted to them than any of my peers. Along came some issues with my parent's relationship, change of school and the stress of growing up and I began to escape into video game worlds of various kinds. I've been on games since then. And I always suspected I was addicted but I've rationalized around it for the longest time.

To put it blunt, games have taken the time and fun out of puberty, took most of my energy other kids put into growing up, made me take 1.5 years longer for my first degree (in Germany) and ruined most of the chance I had to start a somewhat promising scientific career here in the US. I am still going to finish the degree one way or another but the results are nowhere near my own standards or abilities. Thankfully I am still aware of those.

I have lost any fundamental social skills I may once have had. I have lost any confidence in my abilities. I am barely capable of keeping every day life together. If things are not of immediate and threatening concern they are typically left undone. I have not properly cleaned my apartment in 2 years. I have neglected applying for jobs after the PhD. I have neglected my old and new friends and family. I feel guilty every day for not taking care of things.

I was blessed to have a wonderful girlfriend about 2 years ago. The relationship lasted for about 9 months. I thought I could muster the energy to overcome for her but could not. The relationship never progressed to the point where I had to come out with what took so much of my energy. We fell apart and she dropped a comment along the lines of me having too little self-esteem. While harsh I can't really blame her. I do not trust myself with the simplest of tasks because I have no self-control. Any waking minute would somehow be blown into games.

I went to counseling fairly early but counselors did not recognize how addicted I really was. I've been diagnosed with all sorts of things but I have not received the guidance that would have been helpful in quitting. In part also because it gave me so much and that I didn't recognize what I was doing to myself. I was not quite clear on it myself and in part because I feel I did not have the means to see what was really going on.

What can I say, to turn this ship around into anything worthwhile I have to recognize that I am addicted and that I have no control over it. I feel it is the overarching theme of my life and it has cost me a lot. It might even cost me the Ph.D. which I'd rather not see happen.

I have tried to quit several times. After the first degree and getting the PhD position here I was doing well for about a year (this was 7 years ago). Various circumstances lead me to playing again and things have progressed downward since then.

I have played a lot of games, single player and MMOs, I was a raid leader in WoW, I played Eve, I love single player RPGs, I've dreamed of item sets in Diablo2. I have also always suffered from significant emotional instability and this has gotten worse in the last years.

Anyway long story short. I now recognize that this is an addiction, that it is ruining my life and that it has cost me too much already. I am, however, fairly alone in this, and feel powerless.

I did manage to not play voluntarily for 6 days 2 weeks ago (more than I did in 6 years before), however, I relapsed. At the beginning of this week I pulled the video card from my gaming box, dropped it on my advisor's desk and said he should keep it. I am trying to stay away but since I work with a computer every day it is difficult. I am reasonably crafty with computers and have enough history with games that anything does for me, even the odd dosbox emulation with an early 90s game or something as simple as a flash game.

What happens with games is that they blank my mind. I do not worry, I ignore and still feel good until I wake up. I have abused games as means of escapism and I was aware of this for a long time but I did not recognize how damaging they have been or that my main task in life would have been to find other ways to cope. They also have a tendency to erase my short term memory. I forget things, especially the inconvenient or painful ones.

Anyway, I will use this thread to monitor my progress or lack thereof.

I would like this statement to be as simple as it sounds but as of now I want quit. The not playing is only half of the deal for me. Facing life that I have avoided in parts for 20 years is the bigger challenge as I did not build a sufficient social net for myself while being in all the pretty fake worlds.

This probably all sounds overly dramatic and makes it bigger than it needs to be but it as I perceive it.

tl;dr:

Been playing for 20 years, blew up my best shot at a relationship with it, might blow up a phd, screwed myself in many ways. Need and want to quit, have no self control or energy to do much of anything. Need all the help and support I can get.