The consequences ripple on for years.

My patterns of addictive behaviour began in my youth and I am now 45. Addiction to online gaming was the final killer addiction which brought the end of a steady job, my house, car and a stable income. Actually it was the relationship with a woman I met 6 months after leaving that job which brought me to ‘rock bottom’. 

I was a teacher of 16-19 year olds in the UK in the best sector of UK education. I was in one of the top colleges in a steady job from 2003 - 2012. However my addiction to WoW began in 2006 and I was hardcore for about 18  months. As you all know the pattern; wake, play, work, eat, play, sh**, play, very little sleep, play. Weekends were normal for 2 days to be virtually solid on the game. I remember some of the gamers joking that WoW was worse than class A drugs. 

I realised I was in trouble when it started to affect my job. In 2010 I was 1 year off work on Citalopram but still I played WoW in bursts over that year. Each relapse felt more and more disheartening, like I was trapped by forces outside my skill to control. I returned to work on 50% of a timetable and STILL relapsed to playing WoW. 

The result of leaving that job in spring 2012 was bad for my continued chances of working in that sector of education. However I got a job teaching elsewhere part time in another city about 3 months later. This might have been the ‘happy ending’ to this phase of my life, but I was still fundamentally an addict in my outlook on everything, and I met that woman I mentioned. She said “come live with me, I have enough money for the both of us”, and I didn’t have the strength or sense to say “ok , lets wait till I can get a job up there where you live before making the move”. NO, for me it was an opportunity to be ‘looked after’ and so I left the job and moved in with her without any new work of my own; she was the latest drug.

I cringe recalling this part of the story, but those 11 months out of education, (may sound not like long), but combined with the short time at the last school, made my CV look shabby. 

Our relationship ended with me having no money, nowhere to live, no family, no job and I was heartbroken, I was at my rock bottom. I had lost all the frameworks of belief that had propped me up and was bare, absolutely bare conceptually , emotionally and materially. My father wouldn’t speak to me, and to this day doesn’t.

I dragged myself to another city and struggled to get myself back into the teaching sector I had left around 11 months earlier. I began seeing a therapist, doing EMDR and I frequented OLGANON a fair amount between January 2014 and April 2014 - you were legendarily supportive, amazing. 

I have no desire now to addict to things. Actually I have realised that ‘sustainability’ has a very viscerally relevant meaning, not just to the planet and natural resources, but to my mental attitude. I am working towards sustainability in myself. It means I don’t crave for things (gadgets, food, whatever) because even if I can afford them, such patterns of behaviour are not sustainable. I am happier and more integrated than ever in my life. I love myself, and accept myself. 

It is in this context that I wanted to write this to you all, because though mentally and emotionally I am well, the ripples of addiction and choices made in the past continue to show up in my life.

I took my last job because I was out of pocket as a result of the addictive past,  and in the end it was a bad choice because I bit off more than I could chew. Had I been with a decent employer they may have persevered and trained me and things might have picked up, but I wasn’t. I was fired. I got a lawyer to fight for compensation and I got it, and paid for an English language course that led to a highly regarded qualification, because I saw it as a new path to new work teaching English abroad. 

I took that course last month and have been applying for jobs abroad ever since - no luck.

So I sit here on a dwindling supply of cash, moving out of this flat in under 4 weeks, applying for jobs hoping one drops before the cash runs out. 

On the bright side; I’ve never felt emotionally stronger/healthier, on the dark side; I may have no cash and be back in the basement of the rabbis house with no job. The rabbi kept me off the streets in January 2014 when I was at rock bottom and similarly homeless. The only difference now is ; I will be in his basement mentally well rather than a mess. Nevertheless it is a very stressful set of circumstances to not know how you’ll feed and shelter yourself, getting job rejections and watching the money slowly run out underneath you. It is far from ‘sustainability’. I am seeking to be able to sustain my material life as well as my emotional one. The 2 are related; Maslovs pyramid of needs. It’s not like I am unintelligent or lacking qualifications. 

The bigger point is; that the sick addictive thinking that led to choices several years ago, continues to have impacts on my life today. The point I am trying to make is that even when I am clean, and out of addictive mindset, the repercussions of that mindset still stalk my life, after all, how long can I keep my ‘sh** together’ if I am living in a box in a city centre? Admittedly, that is me catastrophising (not useful behaviour), as I am sure I will find something before I outstay my welcome in the rabbis basement. 

The consequences ripple on for years.