Daily Count Up and Accountability

ROUGH DAY and its only 1128 am.  I downloaded a couple mobile games on my phone.  I called in sick at work.  Got a friend coming over soonish to play some music, but that's really all my plans are for the day.

Last night and this morning have been really rough.  I get to certain lows to where I just dont give a **** about anything.  Thats why I called in, why I'll go smoke a cigar later today even though I already had one this week, I've been acting out online(porn) and losing my soberiety there.  Thats why when I woke up, playing a little mobile rpg didnt seem too catastrophic, so many other things are sh**, why not do what I gotta do to maybe make me happy.

I still havn't played any of them, but I'm glad I came here.  I may be able to fill my day with random sh** to distract myself from playing a game.  I've already lost my sexual soberiety, it would be a bummer to lose my game free days as well.

I don't understand how I flip flop like this though.  Like... two days ago I was writing how God blew my heart of the water with His love for me, and then by the time I get home from work the next day, I ****ing hate everything.  Granted, there are some details missing from that account that are directly related to me hating life and being anxious/depressed, but still.... I guess I'm just disappointed in myself.

As of now, still gaming free at 11 days I think.

Dballz, I know this feeling not giving **** about anything but it's a temporary thing. I don't know anything about biology but I think it takes time for dopamine levels to adjust one side effect of that process being depression.

I know a thing or two about flip flopping too, I usually wake up a Nietzschite atheist and turn Christian in the evenings, it can drive you crazy and for normal people (whatever the hell that) I probably qualify as such. What makes it worse is that I've been thinking in black and white, 0s and 1s all my life. I got involved in computers at the age of 10, I'm still working in that field now at 39, and I probably will for the rest of my life. So my brain is hardwired to juxtapose these very different feelings in an antagonistic way. I mean how can you wake up a total egoist and go to bed a born again Christian? The brain tries to eliminate dissonances and its enough to drive you crazy because you constantly move from one philosophy to the next in order to form a coherent self image but at the end of day you never know who you truly are.

Lately I'm trying something else tho and that is to accept the fact that I'm not a one dimensional being but instead my character is made up of very different traits, many of them being antagonistic. It's all part of me, its who I am.

But enough psycho babbling for today.

Have a good weekend everybody.
No gaming today.

Sven, thanks for your words.  Your post reminded me about one reason why I always enjoyed going to AA and hanging out with my sponsor, we alcoholics readily admitted to our insanity.  How we had huge character defects that was one reason why we were driven to the bottle.  When you mentioned the flip flopping driving you crazy compared to normal people, it reminded me that as an addict, my brain does work differently.  I'm not sure how but on some level it does.  Even if its just that "allergy" to video games or whiskey.  

Went all today without gaming still.  I came really close tonight.  I was in a cigar lounge, sitting in a comfy chair, watching the Indians beat the Blue Jays with about 4 other guys in there.  2 were chatting it up the whole time about extensive cigar babble that went way over my head.  Another guy and the owner were playing poker on their phones.  They were friendly, and I did share in some conversation with them all, but I was just left alone most the time.  I came really close to loading up a mobile game to ease the lonliness and the feeling of being left out, but instead I chose to just be mindful.  I don't watch games too often and if it's never a bad time to start being comfertable with yourself, even if you are feeling left out.

So still game free today, and I'm thankful for that.  And again, thanks Sven for trying to relate and encourage me.  Means a lot for a random stranger to do that, especially when I was feeling so low.

Thanks for sharing,

Dballz, sorry to hear you are struggling, keep coming back. Also that reference to your AA meetings with admitting insanity is huge for me. Sometimes i like to treat myself like an insane person, by a very calming and coaching self-talk, almost like a therapist. As an addict, I am to some extent "insane", and i need to treat myself more carefully as a result of that. 

Today i got a almost full day with improvisation and public speaking course. Gonna be awesome :D Im avoiding studies somewhat. Planning 2 "all-night-studies"-session tmr and day after tmr. Worked really well last time, and i definately need to work some more on my thesis so it's needed. Got a "to do list" from my thesis mentor on things i need to fix so gotta move throught that list in about a week. 

Today im grateful for: You guys beeing in this thread sharing :D

See ya!

Hey Sven and Dballz, sorry to hear things have been difficult for you both the last few days. I can remember having days like that myself. Certain situations or triggers can definitely get me down fairly quickly. CBT and keeping track of different thoughts, situations, or behaviors that cause me distress or happiness has been beneficial for me. The power of mindset is something I've been spending a lot of time working on too which seems to make a significant difference. I think about things like the placebo effect and Mans Search for Meaning (excellent book, if you guys haven't read it) and remember that even in the worst circumstances, the best we can do is shape our mindsets in ways that lead to far less suffering. It's much easier said than done, but I've found it makes it a lot easier for me to change terrible days around by adopting this mindset.

Sounds like you have a good day planned Wazzapp. Engaging in those kind of activities will make it much easier to talk with people. Hope you enjoy both the improv and public speaking course!

My weekend is still up in the air a bit. I need to spend some time journaling and working on research, and have plans with a friend tomorrow, but I know that won't take up the entire weekend. After I finish writing, I'll probably write up some kind of schedule so I have things to keep me entertained instead of just spending far too much time on Netflix. 

I've been gaming free for around 12 days now and haven't had cravings that were too bad. I find the cravings are now most significant for media in general, especially when I'm feeling tired. As the title of my name implies, I have to be very careful about my general media use. Perhaps I should make more of an effort to write specific guidelines for myself to follow, such as only using certain types of media, and making sure I keep the use to a low amount each day. 

Anyway, I'm also grateful to have you all to talk to. It really helps me to share these updates and hear how all of you are doing too. Nobody else in my life understands, so it means a lot. 

Hello peeps, extra post for me

Almost finished with a quite productive "half-night-study-session". Have a friend here who is keeping me company and working a bit on his own stuff. Tmr i'm planning to do a full-night-session which will be interesting. I like the idea of buying a lot of energy drinks, frozen pizza, and sitting up all night with a friend, hammering it out to the bitter end. 

I gotta agree with MediaAddict on CBT. It's been a wonderful tool for me aswell during the past months, especially through reading the book "feeling good" by David Burns. 

See u guys later!

Sunday morning. I'm good.

Yesterday night was a tough night. I had a farewell party of a good friend. I was really looking forward to it. But I also knew that it would be difficult, since my 2 co-workers that I am having such a difficult time with would be there too. It went quite well, up until late in the night. Then we went into a karraoke bar, just for being jackasses, which was a good plan. I also already knew beforehand that this would happen. But then ofcourse the thing happens that good friends, normal colleagues and the 2 co-workers are starting to actually sing together. They are all on the dancefloor, sharing microphones, singing really bad, laughing and having fun. Me standing at the bar.

I just could not put myself over that situation, seeing my "former friends" who have been shunning for so long, there having a good time with the rest, it brings me down. I would like to be able to just also walk up there, be a jackass too as I can do, and just have fun with them too. But I realize that it is just not possible now, I just cant anymore, not with them. I cannot be my normal happy self. If I would stand there too with them, it would feel wrong, fake. And at the same time, deep down I just wanted to have a good time with them again as it was before. But something is broken. Its a catch 22, there is no way to win.

So I left, and I felt bad for leaving. 

This morning woke up early with a negative mind, with the above thing in my mind. I went to the OLGA site to read and try to get some activity in my system, because the worst thing I can do right now is go dwelling on how sad and bad the situation is. I'll now go and make myself some coffee, probably do a morning walk along the coast, or do some studying. Maybe I will look into that CBT stuff too, I liked the recommendations you wrote Wazzap and Media. (I will also check out that David Burns too, thanks for the tip!.)

All good except fingers hurting from extended violin practice sessions. Before my recent relapses I hadn't been gaming for almost a year so not gaming feels kind of normal again. Can't complain at the moment.
No gaming today.

Hello peeps, thanks for posting

Steele, sorry to hear you are struggling, i hope you feel better soon

Im pretty good. Wanna go to an NA meeting but i feel a bit sick so not sure yet. Tonight is gonna be a all-night-study-session so get ready for an extra post in a couple of hours ;)

1 week left before final thesis deadline. Im getting a bit nervous thinking about it :P 

Thankful for Olga & NA today, and also being game-free =)

My 16-year-old son died under challenging circumstances two weeks ago and I have been struggling quite a bit. I will try to post again soon. Meanwhile, I'm alive, determined to stay that way and somehow return to some sort of life worth living and not let this destroy me. No plans to game.

I don't know what to write. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I'm very sorry for your sons passing. I pray for you. 

oh my god, that is truely terrible. I am so sorry. 

McPhee, that's really sad to hear.  I can't imagine how hard that is for you. I'm sorry.

Steele, that story you told of the bar was very similar to experiences I had while drinking.  For myself, I just had to accept that they weren't real friends and I needed to move on.  We need to be able to love ourselves, and part of that is being honest.  When I finally accepted that, hey, I don't get my friendship needs met by these people, I started to finally heal.  I eventually found other friends that were real and honest and true.  Also, for me, being alone was better than spending time with people that just hurt me all the time.  I don't know your situation, but you are worth something.  And if the people you spend time with aren't seeing your value and treating you as such, you need to find new people.

Still no gaming.  I think it's day 13? 14 maybe.  I'm thankful. I need to delete the games I downloaded onto my phone.  I'll prob do that when I finally get into bed tonight.

McPhee, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss... I can't even imagine how horrible you must feel... If I can somehow be of help in any way, please feel free to reach out. 

My weekend was somewhat mixed. I was successful in staying away from games, and I made plans on both Saturday and Sunday, but I still ended up with too much free time. I had planned on writing a schedule for both days again, but instead I just took care of a few errands and tasks, and after completing them mostly binged Netflix. My excuse for not writing the schedule was also a pretty bad one. "I don't know how long my plans with friends will take, so why not wait until after the plans to write up the schedule?" I realize now this excuse was just another way to spend more time watching Netflix. The media binges also aren't a good thing for me. I become more irritable, get angry with myself, and start to dread the upcoming week, all of which makes me feel worse. 

My plan for this week is to do my absolute best to limit media use to two hours before I go to bed each weekday, and no more than 4 hours per day on the weekends. 

I remain grateful to have all of you here and that the upcoming week should be a good one (despite my earlier inaccurate thoughts about it being bad). Also grateful to still be free from gaming and having a lot of positive features about my life. 

Wazzapp, thanks for your kindness. I am glad you are sticking with Olga and (I assume, since I haven't read all the posts I missed) are still planning to finish the thesis. Keep up the fight, brother!

MediaAddict, thanks for your concern. It's pretty horrible, for a fact. They say it gets better every day but if so it's a pretty small improvement and starting from a low level. Thanks again.

Dballs, congrats on the two weeks without gaming. Life without gaming is great.

It's a lot easier to quit gaming if you schedule stuff to fill up all the time you use to spend gaming. I also now have PTSD from all this and can't just sit around or I'll go crazy and I'm not speaking figuratively. So I am finding activities to fill up the time I used to spend with my son. I looking at signing up for classical guitar lessons, joining a triathlon training group, starting up my fiction writing again. trying to play an open mic every night for a week (or a month or a year or something), co-writing some songs with a friend who just experienced a very similar loss of his 14-year-old daughter, fixing up my house to sell it and so on. Also planning trips to Hawaii, New Mexico, Colorado and California. And going to the Formula 1 race here this weekend. Staying busy and away from this house helps.

I am trying to make a strong commitment to live, even though to tell the truth sometimes I just want to die. It's a really odd and bad (of course) feeling. Now I understand now people take their own lives. But it sure is hard on the ones who are left behind. Thanks, my friends, for being here. No plans to game today.

My condolences.

Thanks McPhee, yes i'm still sticking with Olga and planning to finish the thesis.

I am very saddened to hear about what has happened. Everything feels pale in comparison. I'm very concerned about you, and i hope you have a lot of support from people in your surroundings.

Just found this check-in thread so I thought I would drop a note.  Made it through my first full day of not gaming for quite some time.  I actually had a pretty productive day yesterday.  Hoping to stay away from games today as well.  Will try to make one of the meetings if I can figure out all the software/technical stuff.

Wazzapp, glad you are keeping the faith! Lots of love to you, my friend.

Clay, not gaming is great. Period. I'm glad you're trying to stay off the games.

Sven, I appreciate the condolences and hope all's well with you.

Today I'm going to try to find something about the day to savor, even if it's just a warm ray of sun or a tasty bite of food. Yesterday was really awful, possibly because of a very bare-knuckle, full-contact therapy session I had. I hope that c**p is really helping because sometimes it is hard enough to scratch glass. Anyway, no plans to game today.

I am doing ok. Not gaming, and no desire to sink into that hole again. 

I notice how being busy is good. Doing stuff also brings back self confidence. Nice. It does not really matter what, but if I just do stuff, it helps. Because due to years of gaming, relapsing, etc, that confidence had taken quite a hit, the shame and guilt. Bleh..

I continue with the same topics on my mind, sometimes I think I switched my game obsession for obsessing about things in my life that do not feel right. The good thing is that now I feel I am moving slowly forward and giving it all a place, in stead of being stuck in the dirt. No joyride, but it is definitely better.

I also realize that my "issues" are nothing in comparison, with what I am reading here. McPhee, not sure what to write, just that my thoughts are with you. Also, I will continue writing my stuff, knowing it is small in comparison. Just because it is still big in my mind.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for sharing. It helps me. 

Hello people, thanks for posting and sharing, keep coming back!

Thanks McPhee, I hope the therapy is helping more than hurting. I hope you find something to savor today in these terribly dark times, sending lots of love to you 

A lot of thesis work and teaching on the schedule today

Wish you all a nice day

Still no gaming, but I can tell that's theres not much of a barrier between me gaming and not gaming. Ive been toying with this thought recently because of all thats going on in life.

I fell back into my sexual addiction, and it sucks bad.  Not only am I back at porn, but I'm crossing boundaries I know are scummy.  Last night I took this really cute blonde giirl out to dinner, and it went great, got some ice cream after.  Shes coming over tonight to watch a movie.  But literally on the drive home from the restaurant, I texted this FWB to come over.  This sh**ty part is, I don't even feel very bad about it.  I know I should, but like... yeah....

I've been smoking a sh** ton of cigars too.  It was a couple a week for a while, but the past couple of days its been 1 or 2 a day.  On top of that, my dad who I haven't seen, is a regular at the cigar lounge I like to go to.  So I went in yesterday planning to play pool and smoke a cigar and hes there lighting one up himself.  We played a couple games and talked a bit, but it was weird.  Seeing my dad and hanging with him as a "bro" for lack of a better term.  Deep down, I wish I had a father who was more of a role model, than a dude you'd meet down at the bar to play pool with.  But oh well, we all got problems.

I've also been isolating myself a bit from my sex addiction group, haven't been calling anyone, when part of the program says to call someone from the group once a day.  I had a text convo with one this morning but that was it.  And because of me not really doing the program, I'm not really hanging out and pursueing God either.  I shoot small prayers out every once in a while, but that's it.  Not like I should be doing.

So, with all that bullsh** thats going on, it's really easy to entertain the thought "well, I'm not going to be in this hole forever, I'm gonna wise up soon.  Why not play some video games to kill the time until then?  I know I need to quit, and a will, but why not just a little bit, for a short period of time then I'll hang up the towel again when I get back up on my feet."  I know that's dangerous thinking but at the same time, I'm like, I'm obviously not giving any ****s in any other part of my life, why should this matter too?

That's where I'm at today.  Glad to hear you guys are doing better.  Hang in there McPhee, keep looking for the little things in life that make life worth it like you said.  

Hi Dballz,

Just wanted to say that those excuses / thoughts to justify gaming sound very familiar. "All is lost already, why not a little bit more." But it would always only bring me more to desperation. Because time would fly, I would get nothing done, and I would be in the same situation as before, feeling worse, more ashamed, feeling like a failure, and would need to start stopping again.

Life with gaming has always been crap for me, yeah, it used to start out fun, but that is a long lost past now. Now it so quickly becomes a bore, and it spirals out of control, it takes over my mind and makes me very unhappy. Still, the nostalgia is always trying to lure me in. And when it succeeds in luring me in I am reminded of how crappy it really is.

I am going to work. Afterwards I want to go and study. But I put my running shoes in my bag, as a plan B. Wish you all a good day.

hey Steele, thanks for the reminder. I still haven't gamed, and deep down I know gaming will only make things worse.  I feel sh**ty now... but one way I'm choosing to look at it, is I'm going through a sh**ty part of life without having to game.  That extra addition of self-loathing and depression is gone, and honestly, that in itself is a breath of fresh air.

tonight, i'm thankful for my dad. cigars, The Ranch, iZombie, and being able to go through the ups and downs in this real life I live, not a virtual life.  I'm thankful that God is not giving up on me, even when I've given up on Him.  I'm also thankful for you guys, who are so kind to remind me the realities of gaming addiction and what relapse is like.

Time for sleep! I put a small tv with a roku stick in the garage, and I got a Civil War poster I bought that to put on the wall in there as well.  I'm excited to drink my cup of coffee to a cigar and good tv tomorrow morning in my makeshift man cave.  Night all.

Hello peeps, thanks for posting, keep coming back

Dballz, thanks for sharing how you are feeling, not many people have the courage to be as personal as you are right now. I hope you will feel better soon.

Yesterday night I attended a cgaa voice meeting. I recommend you check it out! It was nice to listen to other fellow gaming-addicts sharing their experiences and especially hearing their voice. I also managed to connect with someone who was struggling at the moment. I was suprised to see so many people attending the meeting. It was truly great

I'm grateful for being game-free

See you friends

I am hanging in. I haven't had a tranquilizer in 24 hours, which is a first since my son's death. (I did take a sleeping pill last night, however.) And since yesterday afternoon I haven't had one of these unbelievably gut-wrenching grief attacks that literally put me on the ground and feel as though someone were pulling my lungs out through my eyeballs with a chain and winch. I thought I knew something about pain and loss and grief and regret and self-blame and shame before. I now see I had about as much appreciation of these emotions as a Neanderthal does of astrophysics. It's been an education, and one I would happily have done without.

However, as I said, I feel somewhat better right now. I continue twice-a-week or so sessions of this weird therapy where I do things like look to the left of a yellow spot of light while reciting why I feel to blame for my son's death. It is exactly the sort of wacky thing I would never have been involved with if I hadn't gone to the first session while still in sleepwalker mode in the days just after my son's death. It's a therapist my sister saw for something and decided would be good for me. My mom, girlfriend and sisters really took me in hand and have quite possibly saved my life (literally). Anyway, I told the guy after a while that, although the therapy seemed to have some significant and rapid positive effects, I would like to see some research on it. He provided several good-quality peer-reviewed scholarly articles and it seems at least somewhat legit, as well as a layman like me can determine. He has a PhD and lots of counseling certifications and is otherwise fine, with a good manner and so on. Also, the therapy, which is called emotional transference therapy or ETT, is similar to one called EMDR (I forget what that stands for) that has been approved by the Veterans Admnistration for vets with PTSD. And let me tell you, folks, PTSD is a real thing. Ow. Holy mama. I had no idea.

What's really helped me in the last few hours was something the therapist suggested: Writing down one of the various disturbing thoughts I'm having, followed by the way it makes me feel, followed by a more rational and realistic and accurate and helpful alternative way of thinking about it, followed by how that alternative interpretation makes me feel. I wind up with four columns of brief statements.

For example, a troubling thought is, "I can't believe he's really gone." The feelings this produces are in the next column: "Anxiety, panic, extreme grief and piercing feelings of loss." In the next column is a more reasonable and reality-reflecting thought: "In fact, I can’t believe he is anything but gone. I was a personal participant in efforts to revive him and check for vital signs and there is no question whatsoever. He has died and is not coming back." This alternative thought produces the feelings of "Acceptance, sadness," which are in the fourth column.

I did this exercise with about eight different thought-feeling sets and my overall level of acceptance went up by a large amount. And I've had none of these out-of-the-blue skull-busting grief attacks. I'm still sad, of course, and miss my son. But I don't feel the panic and overwhelming urge to save him (because of course it's too late for that) and I've been able to rationally counter and undermine the inevitable thoughts of self-blame, what-if, if-only, etc. The fact is, I did the best I could with the limited information I had. If I had better information, I would have done things differently and they may -- or may not -- have turned out differently. And so on.

I'm feeling more confident at the moment. Some of it is a bit paradoxical. For instance, one of the thoughts that's really been bothering me is the fear that I might take my own life in a moment of overwhelming grief and pain. People who've had a family member commit suicide are several times more likely to commit suicide, and one likely reason is that they've seen it is a real thing that people do. Sort of like how people feel they can go to college after another family member has done it. This terrifies me because I can easily see now how personal pain can make life seem not worth living, but I very much want to live, if for no other reason than to spare my loved ones another round of what we are all going through now.

But I've seen that, just as urges to game or engage in other maladaptive behaviors are always temporary and pass, and generally become less frequent, weaker and easier to deal with over time, so do grief attacks. So I can wait them out and I'll feel better in a little while. Also, I've just had to accept that my risk of suicide is higher now. It's not like anybody is entirely free of suicide risk. There are about 43,000 a year in the US. It's one of the leading causes of death.

Anyway, I'm more optimistic about getting through this grieving process alive and without it taking too many months or years or whatever or ruining the rest of my life with a massive overlay of sadness and regret. Let me tell you, that is a relief.

Thanks to all for your concerns. It is truly a horrifying experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's very unfortunate that I and the rest of my family and my late son's friends are having to go through it. And of course my son's personal torture that led him to take his own life is front and center as something I would very much like to change. But I also recognize that it could be even worse. To start with, my two daughters are alive and show no signs of the illness that took my son. I'm extremely grateful for that, as well as many other things.

No plans to game. Thank you again, my anonymous struggling friends, for your incomparable support over the years.

McPhee, my heart hurts for you. As a father myself I can't even begin to imagine what you must be experiencing.

I just want to say that I have tons of respect for the work you are doing to heal yourself and be present for you family (particularly your other children). I also want to point out that therapy really does work for those who want to heal. That's especially true for trauma and grief. EMDR and somatic interventions are considered best practice for trauma (in many cases). Also, the CBT your therapist is having you do (the 4 column exercise) will really help you reduce the impact of "runaway thoughts". It sounds like you are in really good hands and I encourage you to continue to be all-in with the work you are doing.

Praying for one more day game free!

Thanks McPhee for your very personal post. I'm deeply saddened by what has happened, couldn't keep myself from crying reading your post. Thank you for sharing this. Much love

I second what wazzapp said, all of it. Impressed with how you are able to express yourself now.

I decides that yesterday I had a good day. At night I decides to call my parents, just because.. I had a nice chat with my mother about nothing in particular. Just hearing her voice and how she's doing.
Later I thought to myself, when I would be in the haze of gaming I would not even pick up the phone. Grateful that I was just there, present.
Library + Sports for me this afternoon. Yesterday my original plans got side tracked. But I was busy, so no bad feelings about that.

Clay, thanks for your reply. Luckily, I do think I'm in pretty good hands and they tell me I am coming along great. For a fact, sometimes I almost feel normal. Thanks again.

Wazzapp, it's distressing to me to share these scenes and thoughts with others, because I know it's distressing to you to be exposed to them. But they say expressing feelings is one of the two most important ways to get through grief, with family support being the other. So, although I'd prefer to present an image of stoic strength, I'm being candid about how I really feel. I really want to get better. I hope you're well, my friend.

Steele, I love your story about calling your mother. It's crazy how games cause us to ignore or even actively cut off relations with people we are close to. Let me tell you, if things get really bad, like they are now with me (hopefully, they will never get anywhere near this bad for you), you are going to want your family. There is nothing like family. If you have one, you have a great blessing in hand.

Today I have to deal with an ETT therapy session, an editor bugging me about an article I promised, some paperwork and emails relating to the scholarship fund in my late son's name, calling the child support people to tell them he doesn't need financial support any longer, and various other stuff. Somebody told me Jane McGonigal, who I think is some kind of gaming software businessperson, recommends in a TED Talk playing computer games to help with some kinds of trauma. Ha! Not happening here. At least not today. I would love to hide out from all of this for a while in a game or just about anywhere, but that just doesn't seem to be my approach any more.

Glad to see you guys are getting through life. McPhee it's inspiring to read you handling your son's death the way you are.  I'm happy to know that, though you are dealing with a pain not many people have personally experienced, you are doing in a way that seems to be working and allowing you to process this in a very healthy way.  Or so it seems.  Keep it up man.

No gaming today, but then again I just woke up.  Don't really want to game.  That's all.

McPhee, I'm well thank you, please keep sharing my friend, much love

Handing in my thesis in 2 days, nervous but also relieved that this whole thing might be over very soon, would like a few days off. 

I had an argument with my grandmother today. I criticized her for always criticizing others (the irony...). 

Grateful for the community and for being game-free. 

Craving sugary food more than games these days, and I definitely need to readjust my eating habits at some point but anyway doing fine. Its difficult to escape the media buzz about some recent game releases but I'm getting better at distracting myself.
No gaming today.

Day 1 step 1 taking the step to admit I have an issue.

I have a major problem one I need help to work on. I have gamed since I was in highschool we are talking almost 20 years.

I created things and relationships I should not have. Things that would rock the very foundations of my marriage and life. Things that could cost me everything.

I join this group back 6 or 7 months ago now and since then failed myself in getting the help I need. I fell back into the gaming and the fourm sites and have risked it all again.

I have an addiction to gaming to feeling I need to be in a world of make believe. I see what it's doing to me and I'm sick of who I have become. I need help I need to make this right. I'm scared, and I'm not happy with myself through all this.

I admit I have an issue, it's broken trust and love, that I need to repair.

Here are my steps to achieve this.

1- delete all games from phone.
2- took my computer apart and will be put away.
3- seek help and guidance from you all and seeing a specialist for depression.
4- visit you all every day and post here.
5- I will not game today or any day!

~Maria

Wazzapp, that's great about the thesis! Congrats! What an accomplishment!

Dballz, thanks for the props, my friend. It's a struggle, but I'm doing the best I can and still on my feet and moving forward, even if not at a very rapid pace or with much grace. I'm glad you have not planned to game today. Weekends can be tough, in my experience. Good luck with it and keep the faith!

Sven, my personal attitude is that it's enough to quit one troubling habit at a time without trying to quit two or more simultaneously. So I'd say go ahead and eat some sweets until you get a good amount of time, like a few or several months, of game-free living on your scorecard. Like you say, you can work on diet later.

Maria, I'm so glad you are here. Olga really helped me, especially this daily accountability and count-up check-in thread. I gamed for 25 years at varying levels of severity but mostly bad and sometimes insanely bad. It's a terrible loss to waste so much time, but it's a loss you and I can't recover. All we can do is try to do right today. You can't even fix tomorrow today. I have about a year and a half off games now and I am really enjoying game-free living. All the struggle and stops and starts and self-doubt and everything is worth it. That's my report on the topic.

I am suffering pretty badly with the grief of my son's death, which occurred three weeks ago tomorrow. But I'm doing better than I was and hoping for continued improvement with therapy and tricks like batching the exposures to grief triggers such as reading sympathy cards. I found if I read several at a time I just get upset once instead of several times, which is a great benefit. And I'm getting slightly desensitized to grief triggers in general. It's like dealing with gaming triggers. The first time you go through a weekend, it's really hard not to game. The next weekend, it's easier.

I'm trying to stay busy, as I always advise people quitting games to do. I have lots of work to catch up on, and now plan to sell this house, with its bad memories, and relocate, which means much repair and cleanup. I also am trying to exercise regularly, and have been busy with much death-related paperwork, including setting up the soccer scholarship in my son's name, which has been gratifying. Later I hope to start taking classical guitar lessons, join a coached triathlon program and become active with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I'm thinking of quitting my involvement with the parental equality movement, because they don't seem very solution-oriented. I get tired of people just complaining about the corrupt system, etc, without offering practical proposals for accomplishing change. And I think I'm done with part-time EMT work. I may someday not be too traumatized to be able to work to revive someone, but right now I have lost my zest for it, to say the least. At the same time, I think I might like to do volunteer work with an overseas medical mission. We'll see.

No plans to game.

Hello fellow members,

As an attempt to keep myself sober i tried to control my first hour of the day by walking up early and doing something productive which strengthened my muscle to manage my time. It provided me with sense of achievement which helped of course. However life pressure is always there no matter what i do and there are always cruel things happening in the world plus craving for gaming will still hit back without any reason especially if you are and addict! why i feel anxious when facing life and what i can do then? Mediating helps to calm myself down but i want something to stop myself from getting anxious in the first place! so what to do? 

I am still going to wake up early but not as an attempt to control my day and I am not intending to do something productive either but instead i am after some answers! I am looking for guidelines that feed my spiritual needs. I imagine this will help me to accept life as it is and will help to find a solution to my anxiety. I am going to start with reading the book of AA. Any other book you have in mind?!

Sven, Great to hear you are thinking about ways to improve your life!. In NA we have a saying. "Eat whatever you want the first year you are clean". I think it relates to what McPhee wrote. It becomes very difficult to become "perfect" and quitting everything at once. However, thanks for posting & sharing :) 

Maria, Great to have you here, thanks for sharing!

McPhee, thanks for keeping up the posting, glad to have you here :)

Planner, good job controling that first hour, in my experience it's usually the most important one 

I'm pretty good. Small mood swings. Nothing special going on. Hanging out with a friend, doing some part-time teaching, finishing up the thesis. 

Had a slight gaming urge today, which was a bit suprising. Started looking into some board-games instead. I believe those are a lot less addicting for me, i don't get "sucked in" the same way.

Grateful for being game-free and sober

Glad you all are doing well. McPhee thanks for your encouragement.  To comment on your grief card thing, that is an actual working strategy.  I've gone through a lot of anxiety and OCD therapy, and exposure therapy is one of the main tools to combat the control anxiety and OCD has on people.  Glad you are engaging in that exercise.

I went to church tonight, but I was so angry and in a bad mood, I went and smoked a cigar about an hour before service.  Read The Two Towers in my car while I smoked it.  I knew I didn't really wanna smoke a cigar, just wanted to escape.  I think that "**** it, im gonna just give up and smoke" attitude affected me, because I left 20 minutes into church.  I don't remember the last time I did that.  I feel like a terrible Christian.  But I know God still loves me... even if I don't feel it. 

Also feeling pretty ****ing depressed.  I was about to game tonight.  I thought about going to the arcade downtown, and attempting to clear an arcade game in one go.  But then I realized that was stupid waste of gas and money, and if I really needed to game I could load up something for free on my laptop.  Instead I checked the thread and read all of your stories.  I'm going to stay game free tonight.

I know I mention it in every post I write, but I ****ing love this thread.  Knowing there are other people who can't handle gaming makes the struggle so much easier.  I still talk about gaming with my coworkers alot, since I work at best buy.  In the moment it doesn't affect me, but when I'm alone, I wish I could play the new game that just came out, or this other one my coworkers are going hard on.  

Thankful for you guys, and your stories and struggles.  Thankful for the sleep i'm gonna get tonight in my bed, and the food I'm able to eat.  It doesn't seem like much, but I know a lot of people don't have these luxeries so readily available.  Also thankful for another day without gaming.

On Friday after work I drove off with a friend of mine. We parked at the beach to check out the waves, we surfed a bit that evening untill it got dark. Afterwards, in the dark, we prepared the BBQ and had a good dinner. We talked, laughed, and early off to bed in the parking lot at the beach (sleeping in our cars which have beds in them). A lot of stars in the sky that night. Next morning with sunrise we got up, put on our very cold and wet wetsuits and into the water again. We catched some more waves that Saturday morning. Around noon we drove back home. The rest of the day I did some chores, cleaning, buying, the usual.
Now it is Sunday morning. Procastinating a bit, since I really need to work on my big project. Will make a coffee and start slowly with that.

Great to have so many people in the thread now. 

Dballz, I notice that it is better for me to avoid gaming as much as possible, even when it is just talking about them. It is just easier. In the shops I now just walk by the section with games, since it will make me desire to game if I check them out. Same with discussions on games or youtube videos or... I try to avoid them as much as possible. 

Maria, Planner, I have not been "clean" continuously in the last years. But I have become better at it. My relapses are shorter, less intense, and the magical nostalgic bubble of gaming does not appear anymore, or when it does it breaks much sooner now. I recognize much sooner how unhappy it makes me. Good to hear you are giving it another shot.

Sven, McPhee also good to have you here.

In the end a kind of lazy day. I did stuff, but not the stuff I had planned to do. Working at home does not work for me, need to get out of the house and into the library. Tomorrow library after work.

Thanks for posting

I feel pretty good. Had a busy day with my part-time teaching. Now gonna grab some food and write on thesis. 

Grateful for being game-free

See u!

Day 2, it's a new day! It's a good day!

Thanks all for your encouragement. I need it and will keep coming back.

Today my son and I went to church with his grandma and then we had a lovely breakfast with the grandparents and his father. It's getting colder so more inside then normal. We all ended up taking a nice nap before going to my inlaws house for football and food. We enjoyed that and getting to see our other nephew.
Ended up taking our son to the toy store and got him some trains. We skype with my parents whom moved to Arizona this summer. My parents and my husband parents use to live a house away from eachother for almost 18 years. It's a change for us to have them so far, my brother still lives nearby but it's not often I get to see him. Definitely will have to work on that but it's mostly up to his wife to allow him time.
Took a long look at myself and knew there are much greater things in our/my life that mean more to me then anything.
1- my son
2- my husband
3- family/friends
Life has ups and downs rocks and clear ways but we as humans need to stay on track. It's up to us to keep us going. I see this and see what I need. What's important to me most of all is to make it all right again. Staying focused on my goals and on track to keep going. I know I'll go through some depression states but in the end I won't lose that focus, my so, my husband, my family all need me.. and I need to be there. So I'll take it one step at a time but I will make it.

I will not game today, I will not game ever! No more will it take me. No more will I give it any thought.

Thanks again for your support it means the world to me.

today marks 21 days of no gaming.  I'm not sure if that's my longest streak or not.  It's definitely my longest intentional streak.

Watched a lot of netflix today.  Like...prob around 6 hours.  It's 132 AM and I'm pretty bored.  I'll probably try to go to sleep pretty soon here.

I know watching netflix isnt the best replacement for gaming... but it's not really me trying to find a replacement either.  It just kinda happens.  Idk.  I got the next couple of days off, I'm gonna try to work on my music these next few days.  

Thankful for God's grace in my life, even when I don't see it.  Thankful for you guys, and the opportunities before me.  Peace.

Still here and gaming free despite not posting in a while. Glad to see we have a few new people here. 

I haven't been feeling great over the past week. There isn't an obvious cause. I think part of the probIem is that despite going out to do things on the weekend, the activities I did were all by myself. I've been isolating more than usual, and haven't felt much of a desire to interact with others. As my mood gets worse, I know its important to push myself more to spend time with people, but that's somewhat difficult to do when you move to a new area. I don't have many friendships here yet, and the friends I've made were out of town this weekend for a conference. The "date" I had also fell through on Saturday, which made me feel pretty dissapointed. My inability to have any positive experiences with relationships makes the entire thing feel like a huge waste of time. What frustrates me most is there is no way to determine what I'm doing wrong, so I have no way of improving. 

Part of me is always surprised so many individuals that are gaming addicts have been able to get married and have children. How were you able to begin and maintain such a relationship? 

I realize my present concerns are very minor, especially compared to what some of you have been going through recently. That said, with depression, it's possible to make yourself miserable no matter how good or bad things seem to be going in your life. I need to develop a better method of coping during these times, but I definitely know gaming would be one of the worst answers. Instead, I know I need to develop more things to do and find people to do them with. I also need to engage in more activities that will keep my mood in a more positive place. Getting to some meetings is also pretty important too. 

As always, very grateful to have this thread and the individuals in it. Also grateful to still be in a much better place than I've been throughout the majority of my life. 

Hello peeps,

Dballz, Congratulations on 21 days game-free! That's a huge accomplishment. When i was gaming I could barely stop for 21 minutes.

MediaAddict, thanks for checking in and telling us how you are doing. I hope you find ways to improve, im sure you can come up with something :)

Im pretty good. Submitted thesis last night. Will get the result back in 3 weeks

Happy to be game-free & sober, thanks to Olga and NA communities

See u!

Another new day, a new Monday, woke at 5am for work. My one manager is on vacation so alot is on my shoulder when she is away. All good I use to be a Manger there and ofc I still know it all. Just kept busy doing my work till noon when I came home to my wonderful son and hubby.
My son is a bit crazy today so when I tried to get him to nap he refused so we are playing with his trains and he's letting me watch a movie that's not Thomas the tank engine with him. Haha.
Plan to take him to dinner and just play all day with him. We have plans with one of my girl friends this week to do crafts and make candies.

Dballz congrats on 21 days! Must feel good keep focused!

MediaAddict keep coming back when you can and keep your head up. I feel for you on being in new place and not knowing many. I have moved a few times in my life. Just get yourself out and see if your community has groups of hobbies you may like to do, that can help to find people.

Wazzap good luck on that thesis keeps us in loop on how it goes! :)

McPhee my heart hurts for you I'll keep you in my thoughts keep spirits up and always talk to people.

See you all soon!

Thanks all for sharing. I have relapsed few times after knowing about this fellowship but it is the first place i come back to when i am sober as it is one of two places i feel comfortable in. I learned here how serious business addiction is. I found people who went through what i went, understood and felt me. I learned of course from the info they said but much more importantly, i learned from their feelings and caring about each other. Even if i have my own higher power, but it was not in my life during my previous recoveries as i depend alot on my own efforts. In my case, looking for technics to deal with this disease was not enough so maybe i need to intervene my hp in my life which i think could get me little serenity which i desperately want.

Media, I could relate strongly to what you wrote:

The "date" I had also fell through on Saturday, which made me feel pretty dissapointed. My inability to have any positive experiences with relationships makes the entire thing feel like a huge waste of time. What frustrates me most is there is no way to determine what I'm doing wrong, so I have no way of improving.

Maybe you are not doing anything wrong. Maybe it is just something outside of your control. The stars were not aligned. Maybe it simply was bad luck. 

I recognize what you wrote so much, because it reminds me of my issues. I keep trying to find a way to repair something, I keep wanting to recover friendships that were lost, and I keep letting myself run into walls time and time again, I keep hurting myself, and keep bringing myself down. I think I need to work on valueing myself more, you know. Not trying to find it "out there". I'm a good guy ****it.

Will try to be in the library this afternoon. Yesterday felt somewhat sick and zoned out, early to bed. Today I feel better, and in a hell of a more positive mood. Yesterday was dark, today it is much better.

I searched the website today to see if video games are allowed in jails! I found that in some places prisoners can play console games that are not connected to the internet but what is important is from where did this idea come to my mind?

Well, i think it didn’t come from anywhere. It was and still in there! Even i certainly know how gaming have made me my life miserable. Even if i am doing great being game free. Even if i am loving spending time with my beloved family who means everything for me, I Still like the idea of staying alone in the prison where i have no responsibilities towards myself or others and just spend my time growing in an online game. I am very sad to feel this way.

What i can call this? Is it laziness or lack of purpose?! I don’t know. Words like insanity can’t describe it. Pretty clear that i have a serious issue but where is it? is it in my mind or in my soul? I guess i have to look deep inside to find an answer.