Daily Count Up and Accountability

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McPhee
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Still in the mix

Wazzapp, congrats on submitting the thesis! That is a real victory. Well done, indeed,

Dballz, thanks for the insight and feedback, and congrats on 21 game-free days. Three weekends without gaming is a significant milestone. Good work!

Mariaeceaves, thanks for your expression of concern. This is the most challenging episode in my life so far, and I'm 60. I hope are well.

Planner, it is incredible to think you'd like the idea of being in jail because you could play games all the time. I can relate, however. I sometimes dream of retiring and just gaming all day. I don't dream that very much, however, because I really don't like gaming anymore. Too many bad side effects..

Steele, I hope you're having a better day. Yesterday was a hard one for me, and today isn't starting out much better. But maybe things will improve.

No plans to game today. I think I have about a year and a half off the games, which seems like a miracle. Thanks for your help with that.

 

 

wazzapp
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Hello peeps, 

Hello peeps, 

thanks for keeping up the posting

I feel pretty good. Keeping up the teaching work. Going to an NA meeting just now. Im very thankful for finding OLGA and NA, going to meetings and writing here keeps me clean from games. 

Thankful for being game-free

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

MediaAddict
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Wazzap, congrats on handing

Wazzap, congrats on handing in the thesis! I know it's a huge time commitment from personal experience =) 

McPhee, when I think about what you're going through, I realize my own issues are very minor in comparison. I admire that you're still pushing through all of the pain you must be experiencing, and I wish you the very best during what must be an incredibly difficult time.

Steele, I appreciate your understanding. It sounds like you've had a similar struggle, and I hope that things improve for you. I agree the best we can do is be happy with ourselves and not become too dependent on relationships or friendships as our means of feeling better about life. Sad thing is, on some level I know perfectly well I have all the tools I need to feel better, but sometimes it can be hard to use them. I will work on pushing myself more and setting more specific limitations with my media use on weekdays. I realize it's gotten out of control again, and I need to be more careful. 

I managed to get to a CGAA meeting last night, and also plan on attending this evening as well. Tonight, I wish to cut my media use down to two hours again. I'll try to push myself to do other things this evening, although I'm not sure how I'll keep myself entertained until the meeting. At this point, I know anything besides media use is a step in the right direction, so I may just do some simple reading and listen to some music for a while too. I might also spend some time figuring out weekend activities far in advance so I run less risk of watching 8+ hours of media each day this weekend. 

I feel a bit better about the lack of success in dating now. I think it's far more important that I spend time getting research done on weekends and continue to stay ahead on my job applications. There are plenty of activities I can do regardless of whether or not I'm doing them with friends. 

I feel grateful to have the support available here, and hope to see some of you at some of the upcoming CGAA meetings. All the best until then! 

 

I'll put something here later.

Mariaeceaves
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Day 4....

Day 4 crazy day....

Again woke for an early day at work, had a call out so was super busy keeping things running smoothly with my boss. Was a truck day so had to work all that product out and help in our copy center with customers.
Came home to my family and just relaxed today. Well I started to read a book while I tried to get son to nap but he didn't so he ended up playing around as I read and watched Thomas with him for a few. Got some laundry done and cleaned son's room a bit, while he played with his father in his play room. Had a nice dinner with the two, now to read some more but hitting the bed early cause I have an early day again at work. Hubs is off again so looking forward to getting some much needed time of togetherness and cleaning.

Another good day of no gaming or thinking of it. Shall keep myself focused and keep going, head up smiles on and ready to make the day.

Good night all and thanks for listening!! :)

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Dballz
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Planner, I have literally

Planner, I have literally felt that same way.  Though not with prison, on a few occasions I had some thoughts about being locked away in some form and so I could finally ONLY focus on my gaming "career".  These thoughts disturbed me too, so don't feel bad that you had them, it's probably more normal than you think.  I think one reason why those thoughts came to mind though, at least for me, was I was so addicted that I believed gaming was the only thing that was good about my life, and in this "prison", I literally wouldn't have any other responsibilties, I would finally be free to game till I die without any shame or self loathing.  

Lemme tell you though, friend, don't let that thought err you.  Or don't let the desire to find out WHY you had the thought distract you from this truth: it was just a thought and it only has power over you if you let it.  Don't be tricked into thinking it needs to be delt with, attacked.  The best offense to these scares is to recognize it was a thought, nothing more, and move on with your life.

I have this feeling I might have written too much about what you mentioned, maybe I'm over exaggerating your experience with this thought.  But I'm very passionate about this because with my anxiety and OCD, I've had many scary thoughts and feelings pass through me, and I know what it feels like to think these thoughts or feelings define you.  They don't.  Anyways, I'm going to stop writing about this! haha.

 

I hung out again today with my friend Jessica.  She's pretty swell.  Mostly just cuddled, ate pizza, and watched tv.  I feel bad posting about good times with a girl, specially after reading about some of your guys' pain with trying to pursue relationships.  But hopefully this will be an encouragement, because while shes not the best thing since sliced bread, I really like her.  I have been wanting something like this for a long time, and almost believed, and at some low points was convinced, I would never ever find it.  So to those out there struggling, in the words of Harvey Dent, the night is darkest before the dawn.  There is always reason to hope, even if we can't see the light!

Thankful for you guys today.  Thankful for Jessica.  Thankful for pizza.

10/3

Steele
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:-) And I am thankful for

:-) And I am thankful for what you wrote, Dballz. Good stuff. Also, those "prison fantasies" or retirement fantasies sound very familiar. 

Had a good day yesterday. Felt emotionally strong(er). Same things still get me down, but by talking about it at work with other colleagues I have received some emotional support there. Yesterday that really helped me. I have been crawled up in my own little shell of hurt for a long time, and isolating myself. Not good. Now better.

After work I went to the library, was there for about 3 hours in the books for my project. Went home, eat, read a little, bed. A good day. Felt productive and good about myself. I will try to do the same today.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Thanks for keeping up the

Thanks for keeping up the posting!

I'm pretty good today. Working through my daily to-do list. 

Thankful for being game-free

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

McPhee
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Working it

Dballz, Steele, Wazapp, Mariaeceaves, Mediaddict, anybody reading this and thinking of posting -- thanks for keeping up the conversation. It's been incredibly valuable to me, keeping me off the games for about a year and a half now. It's been glorious. I highly recommend not playing computer games at all and congratulate all of you on your efforts to stay away from the wretched things.

On the girls, I found some good benefit from reading tips from various pickup artists. For a couple of years after I got divorced I had an active dating life until I connected with my current girlfriend, whom I have had for 10 years now. There are a lot of good tricks, tips and techniques that can help guys engage better with the girls. We're not all born Romeos, but we can learn and do better.

I have identified a suicide survivors forum I plan to start posting on. The feelings surrounding my son's suicide are so hugely more powerful and frightening than anything I've ever experienced that I felt I had to turn to my best tool for personal change, namely, online self-help forums like Olga. So far I just did one post, telling my story about what happened. Well, I did also respond to someone who responded to that.

Anyway, at the moment I almost feel like some sort of new normal, which is a huge improvement from the way I feel most of the time these days. So maybe the new forum is helping.

Thanks for all your help. No plans to game today.

MediaAddict
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Dballz, no worries on sharing

Dballz, no worries on sharing the good relationship you have. I'm happy for those of you who are in good relationships and don't feel jealous (I tend to be jealous of people I don't like, and I like you all!) 

McPhee, I appreciate the suggestion. I've done some research, but definitely not enough. Really glad to hear you're feeling slightly better.

Good day for me today. Got to see the other interns again. They were out for a conference over the past week, and I forgot how much better work is when I get to spend time with them. I think cutting back my media use again and journaling this morning also helped me feel better. That, and listening to music. It's good to know what a positive difference all these things can make. Posting here always helps too! It's so helpful to know there are other people out there who share my struggles, and that we're all in this journey together. 

Still gaming free too! I feel very grateful to be feeling better, to all the people or things that helped me feel better, and look forward to (hopefully) continuing to have a good day tomorrow. 

I'll put something here later.

Mariaeceaves
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Another day game free!

Just another day to go by and thanks to all I have read and learned and the support I have here I just keep going and keep my head up. One more day no gaming no thoughts of gaming ever.

Another nice early day of work got alot of stuff done in the store so happy with that. Came home and relaxed for a bit, picked up my kindle again for reading. It's been a while for me to actually read a book. I really need to get back to reading, just not sure what books to read. Any ideas?

Sat and watch an episode of Gothman with the hubby before I go to bed for yet another early day at work. Gothman is a really good show, heard alot of negative about it but so far I'm impressed with it.

Again thanks all for the support and listening to my rants. Looking at maybe taking my son to the park tomorrow as long as it's not super cold.

I will not game today, I will not game ever.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Dballz
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Today was pretty good.  Had a

Today was pretty good.  Had a good heart to heart with a good friend of mine, in the manliest way possible. Lol.  So things got patched up there, and im happy about that, because he's one of my closest friends.

I made a lot of good progress today in my sexual addiction, not in practice, but in understanding.  I came to conclusions as to why I feel the need to compulsively act out the way I do.  It's to avoid pain, which is obvious. That's at the root of every addiction i think.  But see, I know I shouldn't be doing it, I know that a better life awaits on the side of soberiety.  Yet when I think about the journey of giving up my last real coping mechanism, the thing I've held so dear to me, the thing that makes me feel like a man, feel good whenver I need it... I run away from that thought because I know that journey is going to hold so much pain.  Everyone has got their problems, but sex/porn always made mine go away.  BUT all that to say, I know that healthier relationships, healthier sex drive, better sex, and WAAAAY better productivity lay on the other side of this addiction.  Not to mention a closer relationship with God.

I also want to thank you guys for letting me talking somewhat candidly about my sexual addiction journey.  I know that this place is for video game addiction, but when I was in AA, I learned early on that the best thing to do in any meeting is to say what you need to say.  And processing it through writing it down on here helps.  Anyways, I hope it doesn't bother anyone.  If it does, please send me a message and tell me, I'll be more discreet! :)

In conclusion, tonight I am thankful for Scrubs, rootbeer, friends, family, and LOTR.  Oh, and Jesus! haha

10/3

McPhee
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Not ready to give up yet

Mariaeceaves, reading has been one of my most cherished activities since I learned to do it. Lately I've mostly been re-reading my favorite old science fiction books by an old-timer named Jack Vance. For you, I might recommend one by Gillian Flynn. I read a book of hers called Sharp Objects that I thought was very good. It is a mystery centering on a reporter, which is my own trade, and also deals with self-harm, which is unusual for a popular novel, as far as I can tell. Her big hit was Gone Girl. McPhee says check it out.

Dballz, I think whatever you want to talk about is worth a shot. If somebody doesn't like it, they can tell you. Until then -- go for it! As far as using complex maladaptive behaviors like gaming, porn, sex, etc as coping tools for feelings we can't handle, you are definitely right about that, in my opinion. What we're trying to do here at Olga, at bottom, is learn to handle unpleasant feelings in more productive, positive, effective ways that don't have so many nasty side effects. I think you're doing well at that and admire your effort to do better.

Mediaaddict, congrats on being game-free! It's great, isn't it?

I had a decent day yesterday until evening, when I had several hours of increasing upset, anxiety, sadness, body aches and so forth culminating in a lengthy spell of crying and complaining loudly about the injustice of it all. I finally read and posted on the suicide forum for an hour or two and then got a fairly good night's sleep, aided by a trazodone but not including a 3 a.m. clonazepam, which I have been taking most nights since my son's death.

This remains incredibly difficult, painful, awful and unbelievable. Much of the time, just living from one moment to the next is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I could definitely see trying to escape these overwhelming feelings by hiding out in a game (or anything else for that matter). Thanks for helping me to find better ways of dealing, even if I still have a long way to go to get back to anything like normal and, in fact, I'm reasonably sure I'll never actually be normal again. Being normal ended when my son's life did.

No plans to game today.

Sven
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Having a tough time at work,

Having a tough time at work, people know I'm single and they tend to make remarks which they think are funny but they don't have the slightest idea how hurtful the really are. Actually its already a huge step forward because some years ago I would have doubtlessly considered a personal, mean spirited attack on me, these days I think and hope they just don't realize how this might be received.
That aside doing remarkably well, no gaming today.

Steele
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Thank you all for posting

Thank you all for posting your stories, worries, things on your minds. It really helps me to get outside of my mind. I've been a lot in my mind yesterday and today.

[START RANT]

I am quite good actually, but there is just these feelings of sadness and not understanding of why people treat / behave the way they do. Man.. I kind of feel bored listening to myself all the time, I feel like I am a broken record. The facts just dont change: feeling rejected still hurts, seeing them each day hurts, I'm looking for eye contact or something and what you get is just being plainly ignored. Sometimes I think the situation is turning towards getting better and normalized and that there is some reaching out, some willingness to be friendly again, but then I just get disappointed again by the complete avoidance the next moment. Smiles all around to all other people, and just a wall towards me. I just have a difficult time swallowing it, it brings me down. I keep up a good act too, I force myself to continue talking when they are around, to show that I am having "a good time", but it all is just such a sharade. From their side and now I have to do that too, and I hate it.

I know by now that there is nothing to be expected from them, but somehow I keep having hope.

And you know what? this dynamic reminds me a bit of the dynamic of gaming: a nostalgic desire for that old "fun game", but every time it is disappointing. It is as if I am now nostalgic towards them, towards the old friendship that we once had. But the friendship has been destroyed (they sure did their best to achieve this, they still do) and will not recover, ever. There is just too much damage. And still it hurts, I just dont get it through into my skull, my mind does not want to give the old friendship up. 

Sometimes I try to think: this is all for the better, you will learn from this and grow, this will not hurt forever. This is a lesson you stil needed to learn. On the other hand, sometimes I think of plans of how to shame them publicly, to make everyone see "the evil that they do". But the evil that I see in them is for a large part just inside me and inside my head. I guess they just think: "why does he not get it, that stupid fool, why does he keep trying? We just dont want you around!." 

I dont want to be that vindictive dude. It does not fit me. It's ugly. It would just propagate bad energy into this world. But it keeps boiling up in me.

[END RANT]

Thanks for letting me rant. Thanks fo the tips on the books to. Will check them out.

You are all great people, you know that don't you? Nobody is perfect, everybody has flaws. And that is a simple truth. No shame in having flaws, we all have them. Just trying to deal with them in a better way, and that is good in my book.

I am studying in the library. Actually it is going quite good. I just needed to get the above off my chest.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Thanks for all your posts,

Thanks for all your posts, reading them helps me a lot

McPhee, thanks for having the courage being personal in your posting. I hope for you to get better

I agree with McPhee on the idea of "reading tips from various pickup artists". It's been helpful to me aswell, being somewhat weird and anti-social gamer growing up i believe i've "improved" in the "dating area" thanks to these resources.

Everything is pretty well with me. Working with teaching, taking an extra course in economics as im waiting for the result from thesis. 

Im thankful for being game-free & sober

See you friends

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

MediaAddict
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Wish I had time to respond to

Wish I had time to respond to everyone's posts, but I have to kinda rush this update. Sorry in advance! One quick thing I'll ask though is if the folks that mentioned the dating tips had any particular reading suggestions. Most of the stuff I've found has been awful haha, so suggestions would be really helpful. 

Another good day today. I had a work evaluation from all my supervisors, and (shockingly) I received almost all good reviews! Of course, my perfectionist mind started to dwell on the one negative thing I heard, and I immediately started to discredit all the positive stuff. Fortunately, I recognized myself doing it, and could convince myself to be happy with the outcome. I think one of my greatest problems is just how hard I am on myself. I rarely feel happy with the quality of work I'm doing, and only think of the things I could be doing better, but part of me is starting to realize my perception is virtually never reality. If everyone else is happy with the quality of my work, my perception is clearly incorrect. I'm getting better at seeing that now. 

Happy to be gaming free still, and also happy I'm starting to cut back my media use. Grateful as always to have all of you here, and also for getting a good work review. 

I'll put something here later.

Dballz
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MediaAddict, congrats on the

MediaAddict, congrats on the good review.  That's awesome to hear.

Steele, i understand where you are coming from dude.  There's this girl at work, she's really cute, but just as quiet as me sometimes it seems?  Or at least around me, when we first met.  Anywho, shes hella cute and shes got a bf.  No biggie, I'm down to just get to know her and thats all.  But there have been multiple times when she has just straight up been rude to me, gotten "fed up" with me(work dynamics), and its just confusing.  One day she'll be all smiley and shy in the endeering way, the next day she'll have an attitude and be kind of a b**** towards me.  Last time "let myself be hurt" by her was when I was talking to my friend about random sh**, then she comes over and interupts to talk work with him, no biggie, its work.  I go "Hey Sally, how's your day going?" as she walks up, and doesn't hear me.  She then switched the convo to less serious work topics and kind of made a joke or two, to where I laughed and made a comment of sorts, but the entire time this is going on, from when she started talking to my friend, to when I decide to just eventually walk away, she NEVER makes eye contact with me.  It's like i'm not even there! WTF. Doesn't make any sense.  What kind of person just acts like someone doesn't exist?  It's terrible.

The way I've gotten over it, is to just forgive her for hurting me.  Because here's the thing, shes probably pretty **** miserable herself to have to lash out and treat others the way she does sometimes.  So there's a side to her story that I will never fully understand, and I want to give her grace.  But heres the part we struggle with, letting go.  I'm no longer trying to be friends with her or make small talk, it's just not worth it.  I have forgiven her, and have nothing against her, but why keep going back to something that just hurts you, regardless of how "serious" it is?  Idk man.  You can do what you want, you are in your own specific situation that I don't fully understand, but forgiving the person, and then choosing to "love them from afar" has been the way I've always delt with situations like this.

 

Tonight was rough for myself though.  Had a pretty crazy anxiety episode. It's gone, but still has me feeling worried there's actually something wrong.  I'm thankful I'm not alone in life or in recovery though.  God is good to me for that.  That's all for me tonight.  Hope you all have a good day tomorrow.

10/3

Clay
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Thanks for this thread

I'm so gratefeful for this thread and for everyone who posts on it (and those who read it).  Keeping up with the challenges and victories in your lives really helps me.

So, I've been game-free for about 11 days now.  The cravings are still there but I'm dedicated to remaining game-free today.

While the abstinence from games is going well I'm struggling in other areas, which are related to the reasons for my gaming and other compulsive behaviors.  Specifically I've been really depressed.  This is not new.  In fact, I've struggled with depression for about 10 years.  It comes and goes and I've gotten much better at recognizing it pulling myself out of "the pit" as I call it.  Having trouble pulling myself out of this one though.

I work for myself so have practially zero accountability which is not always good.  This week I have done almost no work, other than the things I absolutely MUST take care of (scheduled meetings and such).  I know that I'm damaging my business but just cant seem to make myself be productive.  Of course, I beat myself up over my lack of productivity as well.  As always, I'm my own worst enemy.  

Thanks everyone for all the support!

"You don't have a problem...you have a solution you don't like!" ~Anonymous

McPhee
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Making progress

Good work, all! I love not playing games. Being game-free is awesome.

Having said that, I sometimes think of some project or effort I'm making in terms of gaming. Like, I'm looking for a story idea by cruising news sites, blogs and other sites, and I'll think of it like exploring a dungeon level for a magical artifact. It helps to keep me interested in the work I have to do to make a living, by using some of the same pathways that kept me unproductively immersed in games.

The pickup artist I found most helpful was a guy named David DeAngelo. That's not his real name, I think. His bag of tricks is called Double Your Dating. I think he has a somewhat more humane approach than some of these guys. That is, not putting girls down or treating them like worthless sex objects, but simply trying to learn to not be so scared of them and deal with them more effectively. At least, that's how I remember it. It was helpful for me, especially with online dating. I like online dating because you meet people who aren't in your circle and so don't get into weird situations where you want to or used to date someone you work with, go to school with, etc.

I am still struggling profoundly with loss, grief, regret and a lot of other emotions relating to my son's death. All of them, it seems, are ratcheted up to levels I never conceived of. It is way past horrible. Sometimes I truly feel it is unbearable. But, so far I'm bearing it. Tomorrow is four weeks since he died and my grief is certainly more bearable than it was in the first few hours or days. I am hopeful that mental discipline, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, avoiding too much stress, getting as much sleep as possible (often not a lot), focusing on productive activities like raising money for the scholarship fund we set up in his name, reading and posting to the suicide survivors forum and other stuff like that will accelerate the healing process.

Everybody on the suicide forum keeps telling me this takes time and there's no way to rush it. I don't believe that. I plan to get better and go on living and I see no benefit in suffering like this any longer than I have to. Studies have clearly shown that therapy helps, for instance. Especially there is this weird eye-movement therapy that has lots of scientific evidence for helping people recover from traumas like I experienced. The very first session of that, I felt significantly less blasted by the images I was left with from what happened. But enough of that on this forum.

No plans to game today. Thanks to all for your help with that.

 

planner
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Acceptance

Dear fellows, after admitting that we are addicts to video games, we have to learn to accept this. So first we have to remind ourselves when craving hit that we can’t start that first game simply because we are not like some other people who can spend an hour gaming then leave to do other stuff. Second, accepting that addiction is an illness and needs treatment so we have to dedicate part of our day on recovery. Also, accepting that whatever we did while gaming are consequences because of gaming (our illness) so we should not punish ourselves for that. 

Acceptance also means to accept our lives as it is without rushing to cop with what we have wasted while gaming. Having a higher power and mediation help in this matter. 

McPhee, I am glad to have you here.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

wazzapp
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Hello everyone thanks for

Hello everyone thanks for posting.

I'm pretty well. Working and studying. Went to improv class today. Talked a lot to my brother on the phone, im so glad i can call him, i need people to talk to sometimes, he is great.

My heart hurts for you McPhee, I hope you get better

Thankful for being game-free & sober one more day.

 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Mariaeceaves
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A new day

I know I missed yesterday but I was dealing with a crazy toddler that decided to launch his head into my forehead so made my migraine much worse haha.

Today was a great day start odd with having to unload our truck but I go pulled to copy and print to design a table card for a customer since our copy print person didn't show up... not to mention the customer asked for me to do the work since I have done it for her before. Ended up leaving work a bit behind schedule but all good got home changed and headed to a friend's house with my little man.

We made Halloween candies with my friend. She and I planed some much needed crafting time for the coming holidays. I'm buying her old circut from her for my scrape booking... haha need to get back to all my design work and crafts.

Thanks for the book ideas I'll definitely look them up.

No game today and no game ever!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

MediaAddict
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Dballz, sorry to hear about

Dballz, sorry to hear about your anxiety episode, and the situation with that co-worker sounds complicated and frustrating. Like you said, it speaks more about her than anything else. 

Clay, I can relate to your struggles with depression. I've been depressed throughout the majority of my life. Personally, it's gotten better without gaming, although it got worse for a little bit when I no longer had gaming as my coping tool whenever I was feeling down. Glad you're here. 

McPhee, thank you for the suggestion. It means a lot that you're willing to help me out despite having such an extreme personal struggle. I'm glad EMDR has been helpful for you, and I think you're very wise to be focusing on any tools that might help ease some of the pain. 

Wazzapp, that improv class sounds like fun. I was considering doing something like that myself, as it would probably go a long way in helping me become more comfortable and flexible in different social situations. I guess I'll have to keep my eye out for any improv groups around where I live. Glad you're enjoying it. 

Maria, glad to hear you're continuing to do well. Sounds like you had a nice day. Congrats on remaining game free! 

Today was a pretty good day on my end. Went out to dinner after work and had a good day at work too. I have mixed feelings about the weekend. On the one hand, it's always good to have a few days off, but on the other it means 32 hours of time I need to figure out alternative things to do other than gaming or media. At this point, I'm not too worried about gaming, but the media use is always a cause for concern. My plan is to write up a tentative weekend schedule after I finish writing this. I think I can find enough to keep me fairly busy. The most important thing though is to make sure I don't end up gaming, and I feel confident that won't happen. 

Hope you all have a great weekend! 

I'll put something here later.

Steele
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update

Dballz, thanks for what you wrote and sharing your experience with that. That is really a nice way of looking at it, to forgive and "love from afar". I will try to put that into practice. Thanks for sharing that, it helps. I'm not sure why this still is such a hot topic for me, it keeps flaring up every now and then. But I have to say that my feelings are slowly evolving to something more stable, less intense, it is not eating up so many time anymore and i'll get there in time.

McPhee, good to have you around here. I remember that some years ago I was struggling with relapsing all the time. Back then you were incouraging and supportive, and you still are. Even when obviously it is now a difficult time, there is so much positivity flowing out of your posts. 

Yesterday night a dinner with old colleagues from previous work. A group of 12 people together. Was nice seeing them again, catching up with what they are doing, nice. Today I am procastinating. I need to study, work on my project, but I have only been working for an hour or two. Still, the procastinating has been of the good kind. 

My procastinating was: I had a long walk with a colleague, helped her with fixing her surfboard. I don't really know her yet, but the encounters we had were nice, I know she is attractive to me and I think she one of the good-person-types. We live very close to eachother in the city, and now we could talk a bit more in person and private. And we did. We talked honestly, also about sh** at work. She also told me some personal stuff of hers too. A good connection, yeah I like her. In the end we were hanging out for a couple of hours. Would like to hang out more with her, and that will surely happen one of these days / weeks.

My "procastinating" also was: buying groceries, buying stuff to repair surfboard, fixing a bit, laundry, a nap of an hour (had a short night). I think I will go running now, and later will watch a movie with a friend at his place.

I just realized that gaming has not been on my mind, not one second. What a blessing.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Hello peeps! Thank you for

Hello peeps! Thank you for posting & sharing

I feel pretty good. I feel peace. Had a productive day, got a lot of study-related things done...

Nothing special on my mind. 

Happy to be game-free

See u :)

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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Steele-Glad to hear you were

Steele-Glad to hear you were able to spend time with a new colleague who seems a lot nicer than some of the other individuals you were describing. I've found even having one close friend at work makes it much easier to make other friends. Would be awesome if you guys became more than friends, but even if you don't it sounds like she would still be a good friend, which in some ways is even more important. 

Wazzapp, congrats on another productive and gaming free day.

I'm pretty proud of myself today. It's 4:30, and I've spent less than an hour so far using media. That's the best I've done in a long time. Additionally, I have plans with my closest friend at work this evening. Kinda like the story Steele shared, we get along really well, and we both like spending time with each other. No idea if things will move beyond that, but I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it. I feel like these are the kind of situations I need to have more initiative, but I have a very tough time not anticipating everything that could go wrong if I were to make any kind of move. I know she doesn't have a boyfriend currently, but if she isn't interested, it could negatively impact our friendship. Also, if she is interested, I don't know how we'd keep the relationship moving beyond a year, as we'll probably end up in different locations next year. There is also the chance we break up, which would really make things uncomfortable during work meetings (which we have a lot of). If I do nothing, I doubt she'll be single for much longer, but at least we'd maintain a good friendship.

I realize I am a very risk aversive person. Trying to change that, but it's extremely hard for me to act when I see more cons than pros overall. It might be that I intentionally trick myself into thinking this way and am not properly evaluating the pros that may occur. I guess for now I'll just have to play things by ear. If it becomes obvious she likes me too, I'd have a much easier time making a decision, but I'm AWFUL at telling if someone has romantic feelings for me. I've read about the "signals" but these often aren't accurate. I guess I really should buy that dating book huh? In any case, I suppose it can't hurt for me to review the nonverbal stuff in case she does do any of them. 

Regardless of how tonight goes, I think I'll still have a good time with her. Also happy to remain gaming free. Thanks everyone for your encouragement and support! 

I'll put something here later.

Dballz
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Hello all.  Just checking in.

Hello all.  Just checking in.

Applying to In N Out tonight.  Want to get out of my job real bad.  The "final straw" was when I straight up lied to a customer just to try to get their sale.  I felt like a POS afterwords, I hate lying in general, and to stoop so low as to lie to customers who are spending their hard earned money, just so I can look good to my bosses!?(i dont even work on commision).  It was disappointing.  I don't like how that job makes me think.  

Anywho, just trying to get through the day.  I kind of miss playing video games, just losing myself in that world for an hour or two.  But even just typing that out, I know that's bullsh**.  That hour or two would turn into 4.  Then 4 or more the next day and the day after that.  It's not worth it.  I'm thankful to be game free today.

Night.

10/3

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Time sure flies

So yesterday my son and I spent the day watching cartoons and playing trains together. I tried to get him in his costume but he screamed till I got it off him.
Today it's been game day so we both watched the football game in England on TV. Put him down for nap ofc he won't take his nap. He wore his kilt with his football jerseys all morning still in it too. Going to watch another game or maybe watch a movie with him. We will have a nice dinner as a family tonight and maybe hubby and I will watch a good movie before bed. I work in am and I believe hubby is off since it's Halloween we plan to take little man trick or treating tomorrow.

Game free and happy!! Thanks all for listening.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

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Still here

Yesterday was the best day I've had since my son died. Today is four weeks since he died. I worked hard all day yesterday digging fence post holes, then played a two-hour show in the evening. Maybe work is the answer.

I also did a lot of repetitive self-talk about acceptance, gratitude and self-forgiveness. I think that helped. And talked to my brother, who came down to help with the work on the house. He is an expert at construction of all kinds, as well as many other things. A very impressive man.

I am really lucky to have such a supportive family. I am really lucky to have a son who lived for 16 years and let me with such joyful memories. Now if I can just deal with the horrible ones he left me at the end.

I worked more on fence and drywall repairs today and am doing an open mic tonight with a friend who recently lost his teenage daughter to an accidental overdose. We have been helpful to each other as we go through this. It is not an easy time. Sometimes I truly don't think I can go on, or want to go on. But I do go on and do want to live.

No plans to game today.

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Still here

Still no gaming. No plans to. Thanks for your help with that.

wazzapp
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Thanks for posting

Thanks for posting

McPhee happy to hear you are feeling a little better.

I'm quite well. Going to spend some time tonight studying.

Thankful to be game-free 

 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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Glad to hear from you guys

Glad to hear from you guys and girls. 

Yesterday made a "contract" with a friend to do some kind of sports every day. We commited to doing a kind of activity each day. Yesterday went running again, for about an hour. Since not every day I have time available, it does not need to be long, it can be someting like doing sit-ups for 5 minutes, or even just stretching excercises. Lets see how it goes, it is a nice kind of experiment. Today will be day 2 with that :-).

I still find that I am procastinating too much. For about a month I cut out facebook, and switched to instagram. Facebook is just eating up time with mostly non-valuable information anyway. I can quickly loose an hour daily if I dont watch myself. But I have recently been starting to check it again, and notice that I am getting into that threadmill again. Every time I am on the toilet at work, I check it. It does not really give me anything, will try to bring that down again. Checking it once a week is more than enough for me.

Of instagram I never seemed to understand the use. But now I am following some "positive" and "motivation" profiles, which gives me a dose of uplifting messages to read every day. So far it is kind of ok, and not too distracting or time consuming.

Also, I read the "just for today meditation" almost every day. Some times there are some really nice viewpoints in there that strike a cord. I usually read these during my breakfast.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to hang up some fotos from my family / friends at work. Why? Because I know that they value and respect me, and I wanted to have them more in my sight.

All the above stuff would seem like "trivial" or irrelevant to me a couple of years ago. But I now know that I am very much influenced by my surrounding, and the stuff that I am exposed to every day. And by creating a more positive surrounding around me, I am making it more easy for myself to be positive on the inside. Well, that might sound wooly, fuzzy, and whatnot, but it seems to work for me.

Now.. will leave this forum and study hard for a couple of hours.. no more procastinating for now. And I still need to do those excercises today....

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

Mariaeceaves
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I need to vent.....

I'm going to apologize for this but I need to vent and get some feelings off me chest. Had a talk with my hubby in the middle of the night over all this and at work as I looked at a mirror I broke down and cried. I wanted to smash the mirror into pieces... I have never been more disgusted with myself.

I'm at a complete loss.. I know I screwed up and went back to gaming after taking like 4 months off of it and betraying my husband. I flat out lied to him over this and I'm disgusted with myself.
I'm really trying here and I don't know what I can do at this point. I feel completely lost, completely useless.. and he seems to think rubbing stuff in my face will work. I mean I get it, I messed up. I hate myself over it, it's not how I was raised its not who I'm yet I let it happen like a complete and utter fool.

I'm scared and worried and stressed to know end now.

I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, I feel ugly I feel tainted my heart it hurts and I'm dying inside. I have messed up majorly I get it, I'm just a huge mess up. Nothing I will do will ever be right.

How can I get past it if it keeps getting tossed in my face. I was weak over a **** game and allowed a man to speak to me in ways he shouldn't have and I shouldn't have allowed it. I'm ugly, I'm horrible, I'm tainted...

He distrust me for good reasons, I get it.. but I can't help but feel that bring these things up, I'm trying so hard to get away from and make it right, will harm us more then anything.
I love him I really do, always have and always will. But I can't get away from it if it keeps being dragged up, and then I feel like crap and want to get swallowed whole.

I know this will take time, a lot of healing but I can't heal or forgive myself if he can't get away from dwelling on it and bring it to me.

I keep thinking I have one beautifully amazing son that brings me amazing joy to my world. I adore him to no end. I will make this right, I have to make it right. I'm a much better person then this and I know I can do it. I will keep my faith and keep my head held high.

Again forgive my vent outburst I feel I needed to release it. It's just a bad day today... Shall get past it.

Still game free and never will I go back. No more, not ever!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Steele
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Hi Maria, hi all.

Hi Maria, hi all.

In the past I made stupid choices, and went along with playing my game. Yes I made mistakes, but it even got to such a point that I am not even sure how much of that was actually free choice, because gaming was just the only thing I could think about and do. bottom line, I have my flaws apparently, just like everybody else.

I caused damage, some things cannot be repaired, some things can and some things can even become better in the future for it.

I think that feeling guilt is something that fuels addiction. Feeling guilt is probably healthy to some point, but also not too much. And it is absolutely not cool if people rub it in your face. 

Maria, I dont know the particulars of your situation. But I do know that you are not all those nasty things you say about yourself. (If you were, you would not be saying those things in the first place.)

Going off to work, will see if I can check in later. Have a good day everybody.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

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Hi there

Hello. Just wanted to share that I finally made it here. I've been a functional gamer for the last months, playing during my free time, playing during the late hours or on my way to work. And I decided to live, for real. Last night I finally went to bed earlier than 12 or 1 am. I got over day 1 and it changed a little bit of me. I feel more alive.

wazzapp
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Welcome to the thread Dave :)

Welcome to the thread Dave :)

Im good, studying and working, much focus on career recently. When i work/study i go very easy on myself, take lots of breaks etc. I constantly remind myself that the importnant thing is that i sit down to work, not what i achieve during the session. This distinction is important to me, otherwise i get stressed and stop completely. I dont know why i work like this, normal people seem to be able to put some healthy result-focused pressure on themselves.

Thankful for being game-free. NA meeting tonight, always nice to drink coffee and meet ppl

See u!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Mariaeceaves
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Another day

Just another day Game free and keeping my head up.

Staying opened and staying honest. Positivity. I'll get through this and make things better. I have a wonderful family that needs me and I'll stay focused.

I took my son to the park for a few today before we went grocery shopping. He had so much fun going down the slide, going to make it a habit to go out with him, ofc I'll have to let him nap some of the days. Haha..

Thanks Steele, I was just having an off day yesterday and was just angry with myself. I'm going to work through it and stay positive.

Another day no thought of gaming and no desire to game.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Dballz
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it's the 2nd of 3 days off

it's the 2nd of 3 days off for me.  pretty bored. I want to play video games, but I'm not going on.  I don't want to go back to wasting so much time in a virtual world.  At least being bored with nothing to do gives me time to think, process life, and loosely plan for the future.  If i was gaming, i would be checking out entirely.  Thankful I don't have to do that anymore.  

That's for me guys.  Continue the struggle!

10/3

wazzapp
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Hello peeps, thanks for

Hello peeps, thanks for posting

I had thesis opposition and thesis defense today. Went pretty good. Will get the grade tomorrow, hope to pass!

Also an exam later today in economics just to get some extra credits for my resume.

Thanks for helping me staying away from playing computergames. 

See u!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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Hello all

So today is my 3rd day of freedom and it feels so good. I worked until evening and I had few hours to spend. Ironically, when gaming I was staying until 12-1 am although I was tired because of the physical work but now I go to sleep at 10 pm maximum how cool is that!

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Not much to report, doing

Not much to report, doing alright. Major reshuffle at work today and the people who have been giving me a hard time have been put in their place, maybe someone up there watching out for me after all :)
My 100 things challenge really taking off now, selling tons of stuff on ebay. I hope by ridding myself off most of my physical possessions I will be able to create an atmosphere where I can finally start to work on my social anxiety, free of any distractions that might come in the way.
Take care.
No gaming today.

Dballz
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Sven, that's cool to hear.  I

Sven, that's cool to hear.  I couldn't imagine cutting down to only 100 things.  I could do it, but theres just so much sh** in my room I choose to ignore, i'd rather not tackle that huge mess!

Today is going well.  I just got done jamming with a friend of mine.  Unfortunately we were hitting writers block pretty hard, but it was still fun chillin with him.  

Had a "fringe" thought, or a thought that would normally make me act out in compulsions to create a sense of safety.  I had that while I was with my friend.  I didn't know what to do with it, because it was a thought not based in reality, so my initial reaction was that of dread, anxiety, and depression.  In the end, I'm trying my best not to act compulsively just accept that I had a thought.  End of story.  That's all it was.

No gaming today.  Tomorrow will be my 1 month anniversary of being game free.  I've never been game free that long before.  Take care.

10/3

wazzapp
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Dballz, congrats beforehand

Dballz, congrats beforehand on 1 month clean, I take my hat off to you sir!

I'm good. Been pretty productive today. Helped my mom who was going the hospital. Nothing serious. Teaching work, which felt very rewarding today as the students eyes lit up as she grasped new things in math. Going through some other stuff on a to-do-list. I'm completely reliant on to-do-lists otherwise i would be clueless LOL. Sent some emails which i had resistance towrads, but pushed through. Actually it was a lot less difficult and a lot more rewarding than i predicted hehe (using pleasure-prediction CBT exercise).

Thank you for helping me from playing games. I used to play all day and not care about my life, feeling stuck and addicted. Thanks to Olga and other things this has changed. 98% of the time im completely fine with the idea that im not gonna game. 

 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Mariaeceaves
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Congrats on the one month

Congrats on the one month Dballz!! Keep it up!

Not really much but work and keeping busy, took my son to the park again yesterday. Today he fought his nap so we played with trains since it rained when we were going to go. Hubby is off tomorrow so it's a family day which we may go to park or not sure. Its also a fun truck day at work so I'll be busy in the am with all that.

Saturday little man and I will be going out with a friend of mine for lunch then to the park for a walk and play time. It'll be nice to get back to walking and with some company.

Looking at play zones for kids to, to take him too. Our bouncy place we go to had a fire so still waiting for that to reopen but there are more places we can go.

Staying busy and focused, one step at a time.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

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I had a good couple of days.

I had a good couple of days. After work in the library working on my project, then going home and do some physical excercises. Then read a bit and sleep. 

It feels good to finally be making some progress on that project of mine. It has been hanging around my neck for years now already. I am starting to feel confident that I can actually finish it.

Tonight I will probably go have a drink with a friend of mine. He will be leaving for a long time. For the weekend I have some simple plans in the cooker, lets see what will come through.

Have a good day everybody. 

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

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Dropping in

It's good to see the thread so active with people working to improve their lives and stop playing computer games and doing other malataptive stuff. Congrats to all for your victories large and small! Every day off gaming is a triumph!

I have been working several hours a day posting to the suicide loss survivors forum, talking with people by phone and in person, reading, researching, going to therapy, etc. It's all to try to manage and frankly survive these incredible waves of grief about the loss of my son last month. I need to get a lot of work done today so I may have to try to put off some grief management stuff. We'll see how that goes.

I wanted to share that I have learned about a new form of psychotherapy that is built on brain science findings developed over the last 25 years or so. It's called memory reconsolidation and it is said to provide rapid, permanent and practically effortless erasure of the deeply held emotional learnings that cause us to do things like play games uncontrollably. It supposedly works with anxiety, depression, drug abuse, phobias and grief and bereavement, which is my interest in it. It's kind of an underlying mechanism used in several therapies, including emotional coherence therapy, acupoint tappint and EMDR. McPhee says check it out. This could be a way to more effectively deal with these problems even than Olga.

Thanks to all for your help. I would be a complete disaster if I tried to hide out from my feelings right now in a computer game. Without your help, especially Silvertabby who started this thread and Liz Woolley who began Olga after losing her own teenage son to suicide, I would be a much sadder person today. I honor all of you for what you are doing to help yourselves and others. I may not be around as much in future, since I am having to devote nearly  all my resources to deal with this current challenge. But I'll be back, never fear.

No plans to game today.

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Thanks everyone for posting.

Congratulations Sven, Maria, Mediaaddict and Dballz for all your free days. We will be waiting for you McPhee, meanwhile, i am going to do some reading about memory reconsideration.

In general i am having normal and difficult days. In hard days I feel overwhelmed of things i am supposed to do, get anxious so i start receive cravings to game which blocks my mind and prevent it from doing anything productive or even stops me from actually feeling the time i am spending with my family. 

As an expert in relapsing :) i know that i can’t resist and have to quickly ask for help and do the easiest next action which could be taking a deep breath, calling someone (especially other fellow addict), or standing up to clean the house. Then after a while i start to get better but at the same time i am not satisfied of my productivity But i rethink,haven’t i really done anything today? i say at least i haven’t game. wait a minute, did i say i haven’t game today?! Then i may start to feel how great this is, how very productive and life saving. If i gamed, i will run away from those emotions for some time but going to be in the same place soon and will be overwhelmed again.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

Sven
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Some tough days ahead, I

Some tough days ahead, I seem to come across games everywhere I go these days. One of my all times "favorites" is getting a make over and it's talked about and advertised everywhere.
On more positive note I've been game free now for a month again, time to reward myself, which is good timing considering my current challenges.
No gaming today.

MediaAddict
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Hi all,

Hi all,

I know I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd briefly check in. Like Dballz and Sven, I've also been gaming free a little over a month now. Congrats to both of you guys for being gaming free for over a month!

Overall, life is still good. The hard work I put in a few months ago completing Postdoc applications really is really paying off now, as I'm a lot less busy than most of my peers. Mind you, I'm still putting in somewhere around 50-55 hours a week since I also have to work on research publications over the weekends, but I feel like I can handle doing that amount of work. In some ways, it's almost better for me. It allows me to structure my time over the weekend so I can be productive and still do some fun activities without having to worry as much about dealing with 32 hours of free time. If I don't plan ahead, it's very easy for me to spend the entire weekend doing nothing but watching media, even if I'm not gaming. 

This weekend, I think I'll have enough work to keep me busy. I'm also planning on attending a brief writers workshop and meeting up with the friend I mentioned last time. The main thing I have to avoid is watching Twitch, because a tournament is being streamed this weekend of one of my games of choice, and I find myself very tempted to watch it. Mind you, if I start, I could easily end up blowing hours of time. I think some media use is okay, but Twitch is a much more dangerous type of media use that I need to stop watching. Rather, I plan to spend a few hours watching something that won't distract me as much from the other things I need to complete. 

As always, I feel grateful for this thread. It's very helpful for me to communicate with you all. As a sidenote, I'm wondering if we could all find a time to set up an informal meeting? I feel like it would be extremely beneficial for all of us, and it would be nice to chat with you all =) 

I'll put something here later.

wazzapp
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Thanks for all your posts.

Thanks for all your posts.

When I was a kid my grandmother ended her own life. We never really talked about it in my family, and I was too little to understand anyway. My mother must have suffered badly from this. I wonder if she got in touch with support groups. Considering what I know about her, i think she did not seek help for her grief. This was over 15 years ago. I don't know why I decided to write about this. I think McPhee's post just got me thinking.

However, I'm quite well. Generally I feel good and doing good. 

Thankful for not playing games

 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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