Daily Count Up and Accountability

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Matt65
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The Gift of Powerlessness

Three days game free here. I remembered this morning when I first got sober 7 years ago from alcohol, what a gift it was when I fully understood powerlessness. It meant I didn't have to continue the game of tug of war with myself at both ends.  I want to drink, I don't want to drink.  One part of me will always lose that exhausting struggle, the only way for me to win that game is to let go of both ends of the rope, otherwsie, the part of me that lost will come back to the fight.  Somehow I forgot that in my efforts to "control" my gaming time.  The only way for me to not game is to let go of the struggle and hand it over to my higher power.  When I do that, I once again realize that the full awareness of my powerlessness is a true gift. It doesn't mean I can abdicate all responsibility, but that I must work the steps and connect with my higher power in order to stay clean.  

This morning I thought I should download the game and log on one last time to let the alliance members know I have quit the game and to either disband the alliance or hand it over to someone else, as there are other people playing and assuming I will be back as leader, but I honestly don't trust that thought, as "one last time," could turn into one last month, or year. So, I think they will figure it out sooner or later, and that idea is one more thing I must let go of.  

Thanks for being here everyone,

 

Matt

Sven
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Hi Matt, we seem to have

Hi Matt, we seem to have similar backgrounds as far as as addictions are concerned I quit alcohol 8 almost 9 years ago. I can say confidently I will never drink again, I'm less convinced I will never game again but then again I don't have to as long as I don't game today. Beware of that one last glass.
No gaming today.

Randy28
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Back at it as of November 2. 

Back at it as of November 2.  Three fulls days, no games, working on a third. 

Just checking in.  Good to see you guys succeeding.  Gives me hope that this time I can do it different and not reinstall so easily.  Any tips on keeping the games uninstalled?  It's just so easy to get most of them again.

planner
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Welcome Matt and Randy,

Welcome Matt and Randy, congratulations for your game free days. Powerlessness is what brought me here but took some times as i first went through some scientific websites where i read about addiction but the real difference happened when i discovered this fellowship, which the efforts of this website’s contributors helped to bring us together. 

I met other fellows who shared their stories that i have lots to relate to and they kept saying: Keep Coming Back, It Works If You Work it. They didn’t teach me but instead they were with me and showed me how they are still working on their recoveries. 

After having many meetings with them, I realised how important it is to Breath when i am facing temptations to play, how helpful it is to admit my addiction and ask for help, and what i could do then. First and formest, to not just sit there and resist my urges and instead, do the next right simplest thing which could be turning the computer off and do an easy exercise. Many other things are presented here http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-gamers-open-forum/101-things-do-instead-gaming and http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-gamers-open-forum/please-read-first-how-get-help

I agree with Mediaaddict, it would be good if we could have a meeting together.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

Steele
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Hi Matt and Randy, everybody.

Hi Matt and Randy, everybody.

Good to have you here. Things were / are going quite good in general. I am on a tight schedule and need to work a lot in my free time on a big project of mine. That I am on such a tight schedule is also caused ofcourse by my long periods of gaming continiously. This is causing stress. But lately I have been putting in hours and I am getting closer to the end. 

Now I am a bit more worried again. Last friday received a call from the house owner, and we need to move out. By the end of this month I will need to be in another place. Nothing that cannot be solved, but it is going to eat up a lot of time: looking for a place, visiting places, do the actual move. Also the home owner became quite hostile in a last phone call, in which I proposed to not pay final months rent and in that way have my money from the deposit back already. On other occasions with other owners this was no problem, and if it was a problem, then usually this was due to them wanting to keep the entire deposit making up excuses to keep it (easy money). Well, the home owner got agressive with this idea, all the more reason for me to believe that this will end bad. I think I will not pay final rent, and if damages need to be repaired, I will make a tranfer.

But the thing is that it will eat away time and concentration in a time that I hardly have it. But well, will manage. And if I would be gaming... this would be a desaster situation. But now it is managable.

I need to go now, going to do some sports with a friend. Have a good day everybody.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Hello peeps, thanks for

Hello peeps, thanks for posting, it's very helpful to read what you write

I'm doing pretty good. Had a bit of a slow start today. 

Thankful to not be playing games. 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

MediaAddict
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Welcome to all the newcomers.

Welcome to all the newcomers. It's a pleasure reading that other individuals are also making the effort to abstain from gaming. 

Weekend has been going much better than I anticipated. The writing workshop was extremely enjoyable, and makes me glad I decided to go and try something new. I think I should also plan on making an effort to try out some additional activities when I can. The best part is I went both yesterday and today using very little media time and completing a lot of work I needed to get done. It feels a lot better to have spent the weekend productively instead of spending the majority of it watching media. I'm also looking to the somewhat shorter week, as I have Friday off from work and will be spending the long weekend with a family member that will be visiting. 

Regarding a possible meeting time, what days or time work best for everyone? Personally, weekends are usually best for me, but I could also meet most weekday evenings as well. 

Hope you're all doing well! 

I'll put something here later.

Mariaeceaves
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Hello all newcomers.

Hello all newcomers.

Been a pretty eventful weekend for me. Unfortunately I got a 24 hr stomach bug Saturday, so my day wasn't so great. I still got to spend an amazing day with my son. He is so smart for a 2 yr old he amazes me everyday.

Today we went to brrakfast with two good friends as a family then went to my husbands parents for football. Was a very nice time now back to the weekday grind at work tomorrow. Haha.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Game free and no.plans to game!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

wazzapp
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Hello peeps,

Hello peeps,

Thanks for all your posts.

Today I'm checking off a lot of things i've been postponing. Also gonna study a bit

Happy to not be playing games

See u!

 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

wazzapp
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Great news, got a C on my

Great news, got a C on my thesis which means im done with my masters :D yayy!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Dballz
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Just checking in.  I had a

Just checking in.  I had a pretty bad anxiety episode earlier today, and it affected the rest of my night.  I came home and I spent most of the night in my room, sitting around, not doing anything; scared that if I chose to do something it would be the "wrong thing" and would trigger my anxiety and irrational thoughts again.  I ended up getting so frustrated with how bored I was and tired of letting fear control me, I decided to go on a run.  It was a short run, and I felt like sh** immediately afterwords, but I think it helped me out in the long run.

Just a lot of worry and stress holding onto me tonight.  God is good and I'm praying that He will come through for me.  

Hope you all had a good weekend and have a stellar week as well.

10/3

Steele
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update

Hi all

Dballz, hopy you are in calmer weather now. For me it helps to then try and meet up with people, simply talk with others and try to find out what they want and think. It gets me out of my head and my thoughts away from the things that cause me stress or anxiety.

These days I am more unstable and a general feeling of sadness is now over me. Maybe it is just the change of weather (smiling).

The day before yesterday I felt very lonely. (I think I sound like a b****ing dude, but basically that is what I was feeling anyway.) We are now forced out of the house and we will all seperate. I am living with other people, but we decided to all go our own ways. I think I need to do that also, I have quite some years now. Not only is it going to cost more money, and the places that I am finding are not very inviting, the main thing is that I kind of fear living on my own. I know that I will need to get out more, look for contact with people. Now I have easy contact every day, when we cook, a chat before going to bed. We are not going to meet up for that casual contact. We would need to pick a time, meet up, take a drink, etc, it is just not going to happen that often.

I lived alone before, just after I broke up about 7 years ago. It was the most horrible year in my life I think. A year of work and game, zombie at work, late to bed. Loathing myself, powerless to stop, horrible. The worst year ever. When I am thinking of living alone again, this is what I really fear, that I will spiral into isolation and go down the drain. I kind of fear myself.

These days everything is looking a bit more dark. The saying is: the glass is half empty or the glass is half full. Now everything has a negative glow to it. Work, future, uncertainty.

And it is exactly at these moments that I need to push through, not stop moving and keep going. It will turn out all right, it is all not such a big deal anyway, keep my head up, keep crossing things off my todo list. 

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Thanks for posting and

Thanks for posting and sharing.

DBallz, i can relate a lot to what ur writing about not daring to do anything because it's gonna be the "wrong choice". The thought is paralyzing and keeps me stuck.

Steele, I can relate a lot to the fear of being lonely, and sometimes i do extreme things just to not feel lonley. This reminds me of a post called "HALT" on this forum which discussed triggering feelings

Im doing ok. gonna work on writing my resume and applications, maybe cut my hair to get a good photo for applications (both my hair and beard is way too long right now for the taste of professionals lol) Also gotta think throught what to do if i don't get the types of jobs i wish for, make a solid plan B and C. 

Thankful to no be playing games.

See u

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Mariaeceaves
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Sorry been off a few days

Sorry been off a few days here, busy with staying busy. Went to lunch with my friend on Monday.
Voted yesterday and went to the park after with my son. We did a 3 mile walk then came home and cleaning the kitchen.
Today woke to a bright new day and went to work. Ofc it wasn't bright just raining all morning so massive migraine. Plan is to take a nap after I get son down to calm this migraine. After nap we will go grocery shopping. Then movie with my little man after our dinner.

So staying positive and being happy.

No plans to game today or ever.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

Matt65
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DAY 7

Thanks to everyone who is posting about their process. After 7 days, it is getting easier, and I don't really miss it that much, which is surprising to me considering it was the first thing I did every morning and the last thing every night for 7 months.  I did have a rather lengthy dream about the game last night, but other than that, not much thought about the game during the day. Glad to be more productive at work, and not have to sneak off when at home to fit in a minute or two. Could be a "pink cloud" as they say in AA, but I'll take it. 

planner
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Congratulations Wazzapp,

Congratulations Wazzapp, happy to hear your news. nice Matt, keep coming back. thanks Maria, Steele, Dballz, MediaAddict, Sven and everyone else for sharing. 

Yesterday, i didn’t have a good day. I knew this the moment i woke up. My day supposed to be much worser than it actually went, but didn’t, why?

I don’t exactly know but i did try something new. I asked my higher power for help many times yesterday. I know when having such days that i will be ok doing physical works, but not studying, or analysing and taking decisions so i spent my times outside the home and later joined my family. My mind was not in a healthy state but way much better than before. Those days used to be when i relapse and i am grateful that i didn’t.

thanks

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

Randy28
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Back to day one.  I didn't

Back to day one.  I didn't make it through the weekend, sunday was a monster.  When all i can think about is the game, what do i do?  Staring at the walls and pacing the room and constantly checking news sites wasn't doing it for me.  I tried to come up with other things to do but the motivation wasn't there.

I guess I have a few things to try.  thanks for sending that list, planner.  I need to build my motivation somehow.

planner
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Welcome back Randy. Consider

Welcome back Randy. Consider attending meetings at http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts Twice a day if you can!! It is my number one priority to go to the meeting every day. Hearing others sharing completely changes my mind when i have urges to game.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

McPhee
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Checking in

I'm still alive and not gaming. Life's better without the crazy gaming, for sure. Even though nothing really seems to matter much since my son died, I still am not ready to get back into that particular pool of quicksand. I feel I need to live for him, since he's not here. That's about all the meaning I can find these days.

Thanks for your help. No plans to game.

planner
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Thanks you McPhee for sharing

Thanks you McPhee for sharing your thoughts. I can never make it easier for you. Hugs!!

oh, and thank you very much for mentioning memory reconsideration. I watched 4 youtube videos about Coherence Therapy and they helped me a lot.

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

Sven
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Its gonna be a tough weekend

Its gonna be a tough weekend I can already tell. I'm going to reward myself with a nice, albeit unhealthy meal tonight, and then probably start watching Games of Thrones which I saved for exactly this sort of moment. 

No gaming today.

Dballz
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Well... still no games. But *

Well... still no games. But ****. I had 8 days of sexual freedom then I threw it away. Now, thanks to certain circumstances, and my poor choices, I'm going through a binger. I'm disappointed in myself and really tired.

It's almost 5am. I needon't to get to sleep and just try again tomorrow. Hope you guys stick with it

10/3

wazzapp
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Thanks everyone for sharing.

Thanks everyone for sharing. Keep coming back!

Im doing ok. Sometimes I get angry because of different things. The "reasons" vary. However, im moving forward

Going to meetings 4-6times per week. It helps meeting other people. Makes me more calm.

Thankful to not be playing games

See ya!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Dballz
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Hey guys, just curious your

Hey guys, just curious your thoughts on this. I've been thinking about playing DnD with some old buddies. Thing is, one of them is across sea so they play using Table Top simulator. I don't want to do anything to compromise my sobriety, but adventures and fantasy are still in my blood! Just wondering if you guys think it's wise to play a rpg online or not. It being on the computer makes me worried but it might be ok. Idk.

10/3

Steele
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bitterness

Hi all.

Dballz, with regards to table top games.. I am undecided. I played strategy games, and for me the table top games are very similar to these. Although the table top games could always be kept in check, since at some point in time someone will say: "I have to go home / have to go to bed". But then, afterwards, I would be left with the sensation of "one more game". And that would make me go look for my computer games.

I am not saying I never play board games anymore, very very sporadically I do.. but likely it is not the most wise activity to be doing right now.

Wazzapp, you wrote that you keep getting angry... I notice that I have a problem here. Practically every day I am going over the same thing, feeling hurt by the same 2 people, which I see every day. I must acknowledge that I have become bitter. It is not good at all, since it eats away a lot of energy. Also, as a person I fear that I am becomming that nagging toxic dude that just cant stop to complain, with a face like I am eating a lemmon (which is not true, but it could happen in time). I see things more negatively. It has helped to share my story with others, but.. the story is old. And I know the other subjects in the story have just moved on, and I feel stuck in my misery. I wake up with it, while walking to the car in the morning I am thinking of the "evil" they do, and usually go to bed with it. I have trouble being "normal" when they are around, which again has bad impact on all of my relationships with all people at work.

I feel like my expectation of people in general in dropping, my trust in people has been damaged. I did not have that before, I was actually quite naively positive of people I would say. Naively positive may be one extreme, but the cinical is the other extreme. Being cinical feels like clothes that do not fit. Not at all. 

This week I had several instances that prooved me completely wrong on the topic of feeling "alone in the world". Some other friends just showed compassion, caring, offering a roof over my head. That really impacted me.. increadably greatful for that. I was already almost panicking and saw impending doom on the horizon, and then they just offered a hand.... 

I would like to refind my joyfull self, the more positive self. The guy I was earlier, the guy who actually I really am. And to become that guy again the most important obsticle I see are 2 things: my big study project that needs to be finished (causing stress), and to get rid of bitterness.

I found a great link on bitterness. Tonight I will read it again, and try to make some headway in getting a healthier thinking pattern. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201501/don-t-let-your-anger-mature-bitterness

But first I will work on my project. And no gaming. Would not help me anyway. It would just let me be stuck even more.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

MediaAddict
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I'm kind of shocked this hasn

I'm kind of shocked this hasn't been brought up yet, and perhaps I'm opening a floodgate to some degree by getting political. That said, I feel I have to bring it up, because it's significantly been impacting my wellbeing and recovery. 

Since the election results, I've been feeling pretty depressed most of the time. I can't stand going onto FB or any place I might hear about the news. I've been using media far more frequently and can barely get work done. I've used a bunch of tools that normally help me feel better, and they help to some degree, but it's still a huge struggle. I haven't gamed, but it's been much harder than usual not to spend the day escaping into games (I escape into other things instead, which isn't much better). I'm trying to remind myself of the serenity prayer and the power of mindset, but I still feel depressed most of the time when reality sets in.  

I have a family member visiting this weekend, which should be helpful too. I plan to remain free from gaming, but I know that for the time being I have to be extra careful not to give into temptations to game.

Hope everyone else is doing better than I am.

I'll put something here later.

Dballz
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Thanks Steele for your input.

Thanks Steele for your input.  I'm kinda with you... still not sure what I will do, I haven't looked at the "game" or table top simulator that they use, but right now I'm leaning more towards not playing.  I will continue to pray about it though.  In the end, it's about staying free.

I can also relate about the people thing man... there's this group/click at work that... I don't think they dislike me, but I don't think they like me either.  Idk.  It's weird.... I'm trying not to think about it too much though, that will get nasty real quick.

Right now I'm also bummed cuz I feel like I need to quit FB indefinitely.  EDIT:  I deleted a huge rant and want to sum it up: politics. ****, man.

On a good note though, I'm still game free.  Thank you Jesus.  Have an awesome Saturday guys.

10/3

planner
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Thanks all for your shares.

Thanks all for your shares. Whatever computer game leads to more gaming but playing board games with others is ok for me. 

As mentioned in the article Steele posted, forgiveness helps me more than the one who caused me troubles. I have also heard that the person who is abusing others is way more vulnerable so all of that bad behaviour comes out of him. I can see this when i am gaming, i turn to be selfish and disrespectful toward the most people i love!

 

"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"

Mariaeceaves
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Doing well staying busy..

Doing well staying busy.. staying away from political conversations. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and free to speak but things I have heard and see are just sick to me. So I'm stay away from it all.. this week's has been nothing but politics on my FB page and in honesty truth it makes me want to delete it at times.

As it is been a busy week getting ready for black friday at work already, this year has gone by so fast I don't know where the time has gone. Have some much to get our store ready for but been doing it many years so it's nothing new. Just a nice relaxing day today with my son, been playing with trains. As he napped I watched a movie, God's not Dead.. very impressed with it. But not preaching my beliefs just what I enjoyed to watch.

Tomorrow I go to church with my mother in law and then we'll have breakfast. Afternoon is my nephews bday party so we will be having a blast at the bouncy house place.. so it's going to be a fun weekend.

Now I'm going to head off and watch Sherk with my son and cook dinner. Have an enjoyable weekend!

No thoughts of gaming now or ever!

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

wazzapp
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Thanks for sharing everyone

Thanks for sharing everyone

Im doing ok, cleaning up the apartment. Took some pictures for resume today, some turned out pretty good :) Also gonna work with teaching tonight. Thankful to not be playing games.

See u :)

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Dballz
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MediaAddict, I understand

MediaAddict, I understand where you are coming from.  I deleted my FB for a couple of days after the election, because people were being so hateful and nasty.  It was sickening.  I still dont understand how people can be like that.  I'm just hoping this will blow over soon and things will get better.  Politics suck man.

I went to gamespot.com today.  I do it every once in a while just to see what's new... but there was a moment of me scanning a game review and wishing I could play... not wishing that I was playing, but wishing that I could.  Wishing I didn't have this addictive side to me, and that escaping through a video game was as controlable for me as escaping through tv or a book and some coffee.  But alas, tis not so.  

 

Hope everyone has a good day today, see ya

10/3

wazzapp
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Hello peeps, thanks for

Hello peeps, thanks for posting

Thankful to not be playing games.

I'm doing many "low consumption challenges" lately. For most of my life i have never saved anything. After reading "millionare next door" a few months ago, i got inspired to start saving more and it's going quite well.

I'm with a friend today, working on different projects. He is working on his thesis, while im doing an economic course and some job applications e.t.c. I feel quite happy.

See u later, hugs!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

wazzapp
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Hello Olga

Hello Olga

Everything is doing pretty ok. i have made a decision together with a friend to do more meditation. I feel i react way too much to the enviorment and that i somewhat lack inner peace. The goal is to do a 20 min session every day for 7 days, during the evening. Yesterday i did a session so first day is complete. Meditation used to be very important to me, especially early in recovery, but during the past months i've lost the habit completely. i want to be a dynamic and peaceful individual and meditation is definately a step towards that for me, as it has worked well in the past.

Thankful to not be playing games

See u olga friends :)

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

MediaAddict
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Hi all,

Hi all,

I'm feeling a bit better since the last time I wrote. Still gaming free, but struggling more with media use again. I'm going to work on reducing it again and try to get into a better frame of mind. The election results are still hitting me at randomly. I realize I need to stop checking FB for the time being because it just makes me feel worse, but it can be a hard habit to break because I'm so used to checking it when I have a minute free at work. I know I can break the habit though. Even when FB isn't this negative, I know it's still almost always a poor use of my time. 

Hope you're all doing well, and thanks again for your continued support! 

I'll put something here later.

Sven
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If you have trouble staying

If you have trouble staying away from FB or your phone I recommend you check out an app called flipd it lets you block your phone for a specified period of time, with the exception of emergency calls. Even rebooting doesn't help once you're the program is active.

Doing good no gaming today.

Steele
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Diong good as well. Very busy

Diong good as well. Very busy the last days, every night something to do besides work. 

I am "fighting" with myself in the sense that I am trying to bring down my resentment and working on "forgiving" people that in my eyes did me wrong. (this sound like such soft stuff to me..., but it is what I am working on right now) Anger flares up regularly, and I am trying to stop it from continueing. The only one who "suffers" is me, the others really dont care. It feels so unjust but it is how it is, and now continously repeating to myself that that is.. ok.

I dont know why it bothers me so much. Must be my own insecurity probably. I am also suspecting that it is masking my feelings of being hurt and of having lost people that I really hold / held dear. But bottomline is that this issue is really not that big of a deal in the real world, it is just big in my head. And it does not deserve to be so big.

Anyway.. that where I am at. Slowly growing more healthy, more productive, less resentful, more happy.

Have a good day everybody! And thanks for being here.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Hello peeps, thanks for

Hello peeps, thanks for posting

Im doing ok. A lot of work right now with teaching, job applications e.t.c. Sometimes frustrating, but generally quite rewarding. 

I feel like I have the opportunity to create a good life.

Thankful to not be playing games.

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

Dballz
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Rough night tonight.

Rough night tonight.  Experienced a lot of anxiety and worry in this meeting i went to.  Went in with an really hungry and full of coffee, so already I knew it was going to be rough.  But after I got a huge burger from BK and I'm feeling a lot better.  

Got a new macbook pro yesterday, my old laptop died.  I got it with no interest financing from Best Buy, and I already have a lot I could throw down on it to pay it off quick.  But still, I already have a couple thousand in debt even before I bought this... Idk if I'm gonna keep it.  I could totally pay it off, but it would just take longer to pay off my other debts since I'd first focus on paying this baby off.

No gameing even with the new computer.  I thought about loading up a game of chess that comes preinstalled on here, but decided not to.  Thankful to be able to check in with you guys. peace

10/3

wazzapp
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Thanks for posting

Thanks for posting

Im doing ok. Working a lot, which I chose myself because wanted to get more busy. 

Happy to not be playing games. 

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

MediaAddict
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Checking in again too. 

Checking in again too. 

I'm continuing to feel better today after getting back to a more intense exercise routine again (I didn't feel like doing much exercise last week, which didn't exactly help my mood).  

I feel pretty proud of myself for mostly getting back to normal after experiencing my worst week in a while last week. Very glad that Thanksgiving is around the corner now, and am looking forward to getting home for Xmas in about a month. I believe my next goal will be to complete a few publications I'm working on, and make a decision on whether or not I'm going to take the job I've been offered. 

Still gaming free and feel less desire to game now than I did last week. Feel grateful for this program and all of you for your continued support. 

I'll put something here later.

Steele
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update

Going good on the no gaming front. Now 50+ days, thats good. But generally not a very happy camper. Not sleeping too well either, which only makes me more irritable. A lot of anxiety in my body, which I try to get rid off by doing sports. That works quite well in providing relief.

Yesterday I was in bed early but could not sleep untill about 3 hours later. Ruminating on being treated wrongly, which in turn gives me more anxiety and more staring into the dark with eyes wide open. Not really helpfull anymore to be ruminating over the "injustice" of it all.

Strange thing is that today I came to work angry, irritable. But the colleague which is causing me so much grief was just acting "normal" today. This actually puts me off balance. Happy with the normal treatment (very much so) but I'm also still so distrusting. And I need to guard myself not to fall back into defensive mode of the hurt person.

Yes, I have become bitter from being ostracized for a couple of years by people that I thought were my friends. It shows clearly a characteristic of mine: that I want to connect, that I desire to feel wanted, accepted and loved.

When I got to know "them" I was completely addicted to gaming. Living in a haze, groundhog day every day, very little sleep. They were fun girls, people that I found at my new work. People that I connected with strongly. We had so much fun, nights out on till late, craziness and laughter. They were important to me. Increadibly important. I was so increadibly lonely in those addictive days. And they connected with me. But they must have grown tired of me in the end, since my first love was the game back then. 

When I see them, I still see those friends from back then. But it is an empty shell, they are not friends anymore. They sure did not act like it for years now. I want to be that careless person around them as I was before, so that maybe a friendship can be recovered. But as long as I really want that to happen, it will not happen. A paradox. I think I'm just missing them in some weird way.

 

I will be on holidays next week. All week I can dedicate to my big study project. I think that being away from work will be good for me, this week has been quite tiresome with a lot of anxiety. Probably it is also due to deadlines coming up. Not sure.

Thanks for letting me rant. Thanks for being here. Feeling a bit better now that I could get this off my chest.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

Sven
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Tough day. My subconscious

Tough day. My subconscious keeps trying to get myself back into gaming. It knows there still some resistance in me so it's being very subtle at it; it doesnt want me to buy a ps4 or gaming PC but all of a sudden a new iPad doesn't seem such a bad idea, and light gaming isn't all that harmful after all. That's a lie of course, I can spent hours on the most trivial games.
Now would be the time to engage in some non-screen activities but I've got a stiff neck and I can hardly move my head so I'm confined to my couch.
No gaming today.

Steele
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My last update was from

My last update was from Friday. That same Friday night something unexpected happened. A common friend had invited me to take a drink after work. When I told him I would go, he warned me beforehand that a troublesome colleague of mine would be there too. He knows very well how our relationship is and has been over the last years. I felt hessitation, but decided to go.

It was a great couple of hours. With about 6 people in total, and just chatting and talking about things at work, laughing, looking at eachother, smiling, joking... and best of all, when we were walking inbetween sites to take a drink, I just chatted with my troublesome colleague. Relaxed, with a laugh, a smile, like it was 2 years ago. The wall that I had felt and seen in her and her behaviour, it was not there anymore, not that night. It was such a relief.

It was great and it felt surreal. For 2 years feeling rejection, avoidance and exclusion, not being part of the group, and now suddenly I was in again. In September I had a discussion with her, at a company party, where I expressed how I felt treated by them. I could show clearly examples of the rejection done by her, and I told her and she could not do differently than admit to it. In September I had a verbal fight with her, in which I expressed being fed up being lied to, excluded and ignored, because the exclusion just continued as before and they just kept up the story that everything was normal, and it was obvious that it was not. I went into a rage and rant in which I spilled my guts and laid bare all the blunt lies that were just being told to my face. I was so fed up with it, it was not pretty, but it was also all true. But I never have received her side of the story. She does not want to talk about it. Afterwards I did see small positive change, in that our contact at work became more normal. Not anymore the obvious reject. Still we do not drink coffee, we do not share what is going on in our lives.. So Friday night, when that did happen again.. it felt very surreal.

I dont want to get my expectations too much up, but this was .. so good. My resentment is still there, but just soo much lower. Such a relief this is. Just again a little bit of normalness...

In the upcoming months there will be dinners from work (christmas is coming). I hope that this normalness can continue. And there is still ofcourse the other colleague as well, the one who has not looked at my face for 2 years. They are both good friends of eachother. But in any case, I am happy that I had Friday, and I hope it can continue.

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

Mariaeceaves
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Sorry it's been a bit it's

Sorry it's been a bit it's been a long week with work and dealing with both me and son being sick. We have just been playing with his trains and resting.

It's going to be an eventful week for the family being in retail so it's a busy week plus we will be doing stuff with family.

Hope everyone is doing well and enjoys their Thanksgiving.. enjoy the time with family and friends.

Game free and no plans to game.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.

MediaAddict
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Need to put a warning that

Need to put a warning that this entry will probably be pretty whiny, but for whatever reason I feel a need to write it and not censor myself. I don't want to talk about it with anyone in person right now, and I apologize that I'm subjecting these thoughts to those of you who feel like reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you lol. 

Anyway, I spent Friday evening with the person I'm closest with here. I didn't make any moves because my anxiety gets so severe that I literally can't get myself to physically move. It turns out I was right not to make a move, because she (who didn't see this coming?) doesn't feel that way about me. The funny part was I had convinced myself that even if she turned me down, I'd be fine with it, and it would be easy to continue a strong friendship because we get along really well. I was wrong. I feel like crap. It seems I cared about her more than I realized... I'm angry at myself for continuing to have this situation happen over and over again. I just don't get why people who seem like such a good match only want to be friends. 

I've been trying to spend the day keeping busy and getting exercise, and its helped a bit, but I think the last week had already been a bad one, so I'm having a tougher time dealing with this event as a result. I think the only thing I can do right now is go back into hermit mode, because I can't keep having this happen to me. I'm tired of getting rejected, and I don't want to try any of the things I've read about (even though I've accepted they work) because I hate lying to people and tricking them into falling for a person that doesn't really exist. I know I'm pinning myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure by thinking this way, but I feel like the best option I have is to be happy being alone and remind myself its better not to depend on having a partner in my life to make me happy. But the thing is, I've been doing that most of my life, and it's getting harder as more of my friends get married and have children. They all have less time to spend with friends as a result, and more people start to think there's something wrong with me because I'm always single. I realize I'm engaging in harmful social comparisons, but the truth is that a lot of people will look down on me and think there is something off about me if I spend the rest of my life alone. In some ways I don't really care, but it matters in my line of work that I "appear normal." 

I hope I'll feel better about this in a few days... I'm not going to game, because I know that will just make me even more introverted and anxious than I already am. I'll try to find other things to do to keep busy and continue working on reducing my media use. I know that I may not feel great, but I'd be feeling a lot worse if I had spent today gaming or watching YouTube all day. I'll also try to get to the meeting this evening. 

If anyone made it this far, thanks for reading, but I doubt anyone will read this haha. If you have, I am grateful to you. 

I'll put something here later.

Steele
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Hi all

Hi all

Media, I can relate to what you are writing. Very much so. I am also bombarded with people in facebook of my age, with children, houses, happy families. And I am thinking.. why not me? I also tend to think: all the nice / good girls have already settled with some guy, and probably a lot of them have. I also sometimes become anxious because.. it feels like time is running out. If I want to have a family, I would need to start with that yesterday already.

I believe that people are right in that we should focus on ourselves, and that we should not seek happiness through others. At the same time we need others too. Feel a connection, feel part of something, feel understanding, you know..

I will do my best to put myself into situation where I meet new people and that something beautiful might happen. And for sure, along the way it will suck bigtime when I get another reject. A couple of months ago I had one too. Such a nice girl. I saw her being sad with her ex boyfriend, already for a very long time. I could see it in her eyes for months already. So I wrote her a long message, and said that I saw that she was sad these days, but that she should know that she is a precious and beautiful girl, that I liked her a lot, and that I would love to go out with her one day. I also wrote: you can say "no" to my invitation for a dinner, that is ok. The objective of this message is to make you feel better and to let you know that you are being seen.

She was flattered, and when we met again I could see how she was smiling and shy around me. I knew then that she really did like what I had written her and that it came across good. We talked and we had a 1 on 1 dinner... but a couple of weeks later she had met a nice new boyfriend and is very much in love. That happens, and that will happen again for sure.

Media, what I recognize in your post is very much the thinking you show. I have that too. I noticed it with my colleagues. What I found interesting is this book, chapter 2 "spotting errors in your thinking":

http://inabook.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/CBT-for-dummies-wilsonbranch-excellent-resource.pdf

I have a lot of those errors. Sometimes I read over that chapter again to try and get a better perspective. Maybe it can help with some of the things you think about too.

 

Maria, good luck this busy week! Great to hear you are going strong!

No gaming. I must admit that I did have some instances that my mind was pulled into that direction, but .. it would not help me in any way at all. Tried that route already so many times, always a dead end. 

"I want to see people and I want to see life."

wazzapp
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Hello peeps!

Hello peeps!

Steele, congratulations to over 50 days gamefree!!!!

Im doing pretty good. Working a lot. Happy to not be playing games.

The year is about to end and i think this year i did a lot of things that i've been putting off while compulsively playing games. I got my driving license, I finished my Masters program at university, I payed for braces for my teeths, I started saving more and currently have more savings than ever before in my life, I took a course in improvisational theater. All this would probably not have happened if i woudlnt have found and stayed with Olga, in combination with attending a lot of NA-meetings

More importantly though, i generally feel better this year than recent years. I look people in the eyes when i speak with them and are a lot more social. I have hope for the future, and don't panick over lack of money/friends/status. I make plans and stick to them pretty good.

Thanks a lot for your help. Happy to not be playing games. See you!

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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Note to self: stay clear of

Note to self: stay clear of Amazon during cyber Monday week next year, lots of discounted gaming gear all over the place.

Difficult week, had to pull the reward joker to keep myself distracted.

MediaAddict
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Thanks for the support and

Thanks for the support and understanding Steele, and congrats on being 50+ days gamefree! 

I'm doing a bit better today. Still unhappy and angry about the situation, but I feel less distressed about it than I did yesterday. Once I feel a bit better I suppose I'll continue to pursue relationships, but right now I think I need a break from it. I think it's more important that I establish some additional friendships here. As much as I valued the friendship I had with the person I mentioned, I'll only end up miserable if I continue to view her as my only real friend here. I suppose I can view this as an opportunity to make friends outside of work, which is really difficult for me because I'm really introverted and dislike talking to people I don't know. My usual pattern is to make my friends through gaming or through work/school. I've pretty much never made friends aside from those settings, so now is probably a good time to start building that skill. 

I've been craving going back to the gaming community lately, but I'm fighting the cravings and continuing to remain gaming free. Grateful to be free from games, having the support from all of you, having a job lined up after I finish my internship, and for being able to help others through my job. 

I'll put something here later.

wazzapp
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Thanks for your posts and for

Thanks for your posts and for keeping this thread alive. It's important for me to keep accountability and connection with other gaming-addicts so that i can stay away from playing games.

Today is a great day. Meeting up with a friend for a late-night study session. I really like these sessions, sitting with a friend and get productive together.

See u :)

Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3

 

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