I am spending the week in the library. I am putting in the hours, but productivity should be higher. It all takes too much time. But I am happy that I am busy. Also the move to new apartment is taking up quite some time. But I will get there. Just steadily keep on going. Trying to keep clear of distractions such as forums, facebook or news sites, trying to keep focus. I am getting better at it (keeping focus).
My anxiety is still much lower than last weeks. The night out last week, where I had some chatting with colleague, appears to have really helped to lower my anxiety. Not that I have forgotten how I have been treated the last two years (and not sure if now this has changed for good now), but the whole situation is not that present in my mind anymore as before. It still is a lot on my mind, but just less intense and less blocking than it was before.
At night I am reading a book from Red Hot Chilly Peppers singer (Anthony Kiedis - Scar Tissue (2007)). I would not recommend the book, the bulk of content is just the rock and roll lifestye of excesses etc. which is a bit.. meh.. But I am reading it for other reasons: his addiction to herroin and how he is discovering this and trying to deal with it. Those pieces hit home.
He is talking about how they needed to record a record, and during that time he managed to stay clean for a long time. But once the pressure was off.. there he went again. To "reward" himself or whatever excuse he had, and 1 day turned into 2, 2 into 3, and into the spiral of destruction again.
I now have a lot of pressure on my back, principally pressure imposed by myself, to finish this god****project. And I will finish it one way or another. But sometimes the feeling of "escaping" comes creeping up on me again. These insane thoughts of being able to just "zone out" and play an entire weekend. But...
1. It would NOT be fun (or only very very little time), 2. It would be endless grinding as it always is, 3. It would NOT be just a weekend, it always spills over, 4. I would feel guilt during and miserable afterwards, 5. when the mist cleares I realize the world has fast forwarded while I was experiencing groundhog day, and 6. my mind and life have been "on hold" while my body is getting older.
Thank you for posting in this thread. Recently presented step1 to my sponsor. Im very slow in working the steps. Still felt good to make some progress.
Otherwise everything is going pretty fine. Seeing a CBT therapist once a weeks which is more intense than i had before. We talk a lot about my past depressive episodes since i generally feel ok since about 3-4 months ago, the purpose is to get a better understanding of my emotions, thoughts etc to prevent falling back into depression. These sessions reminds me of how bad i used to feel. It's easy to forget hw tought it was once we feel better
Happy to not be playing games
See you soon olga friends
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Time flies. Sunday already. I have spent this morning writing up reports. Still a lot to do... but well.. content with what has been achieved. Just steadily keep on working on the project, and we will get there.
I think I will now take advantage of the beautiful day that it is.. going for a walk and take in some fresh air. All this week has been working, library, moving. But there is also a lot to show for it. Still a lot to do, but lots has been done already :-).
I hope everybody is doing fine and that recovery is going well.
Checking in to say hi! I'm doing geat. Still staying away from playing game, and have nothing but very minor urges. Going to NA meetings 2-3times per week which is important for me to connect with other addicts.
I agree with Steele, time flies for me too. Still doing a lot of progress in my "life situation" through work e.t.c. I still encounter minor struggles: Sometimes my priorities are a bit wrong, sometimes i get angry, jellous, feel like a victim of circumstances. I try to have more empowering mindsets. I pray every day, as my sponsor have told me to do, for serenity and freedom from addiciton, and for the power to work with myself so i can serve society, others and myself, so i can develope myself and others.
Thanks for this forum
See you!
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Had a scary thought yesterday: "maybe i should play some games?". That's how scary my addiction sickness is, even now with many months without playing games i still get these thoughts. My addiction doesn't care about the relationships with my family, friends or my life goals, all it wants is to destroy me. Today i have respect for the danger of my addiction and keep on the alert.
Thanks for reading
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Been some time just been staying busy with work and getting this set up around the house. My parents come in from out of town soon so been getting the house ready. Having our Christmas get together the 10th since they won't be here long.
Fun week last week of work and enjoying time with inlaws and the family.
Wanted to stop by and say hi and I'm taking steps at a time. Doing well. No gaming and won't game.
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There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.
Im carrying some anger in me today. Trying to run away from pain with youtube. I need to face my emotions and work more with CBT again. I havent done any cbt exercises in about a month despite the fact that i KNOW they work. How easy u forget once u feel better, what u need to do to feel good hehe.
Thanks for this forum. see you again soon
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Still feeling somewhat more angry and annoyed than usual. Scheduled some CBT tonight. I know it helps
Working, saving, investing a lot. Feels good to be productive. Good my official diploma a few days ago. Trying to write job applications but im not very good at it. Having to re-write a lot, spent about 5-10h so far on making a good application hehe....
Happy to not be playing games, for me it's a pre-requisite for living
see ya!
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Busy week this week. Working during the day, at night moving stuff to new house, cleaning old house, etc etc. Also at work quite occupied.
It was also an intense week from the emotional angle. Several topics still roam my head practically all the time. I decided at one point to start writing down what has happened these last years with my colleages. Before I knew it, I had 15 pages written, and it feels like I am just half way. I am not sure why I write it down, I am writing it as if I am talking to them, but.. once I finish I am not sure what I would do with it. It also does not matter.
The writing down is giving me some more perspective on what has been going on the last years. It is becoming more clear, and I see how blind I have been. I wanted them to be friends, as we had been before, but .. aparently there are people that just dont want you around. But that is OK. I have a clear conscience, I surely could have made mistakes, but have always acted with good motives and intentions. Now that I write down all the history, I see that this has not been the case with the other party. I am not saying they are "bad", but.. nice and compasionate is far from it. I reached out my hands to them many times, and it was obvious that I was hurt, but they chose not to act upon it. I just did not want to see it and could not believe that it came from them, my friends. But it did happen that way.
It still does hurt, I dont deny that, but I think I am starting to see reality, and that feels like I am progressing and good. I just thought too much of them, I have been naive, but that is ok.
Funny also, so many people said to me "it is not that important", "it does not matter", "find some new friends". And I know that they are right. But that did not help me yesterday. I was sitting in the company canteen, telling this story and troubles with my colleague to another colleague. I said that one of these "bad colleagues" "does not even look at me", and it was right at that moment that this same colleague came walking into the canteen. She greeted and smiled and saluted to the other people, walking inbetween the tables. I was looking for her eyes, right in her line of sight, but she just walked straight by me, avoiding me completely, as she always does. I know she sees me, I know she knows I am looking for her eyes. 2 years now this behaviour, 2 years that I have tried and said to her on several occations how hurting this is for me.
As I was telling my story to my colleage sitting with me at the table, combined with my "bad colleague" passing by.. at that moment my eyes got full of water. There is some anger, but it is grounded in hurt, and having lost people that I cared about, while they are just there in plain sight.
But it is OK. I notice that I getting calmer with the situation.
There are a lot of good things that happened this week. We moved to a new place, I worked a lot, I have wonderful companions in my house, few but caring and loving friends. And it is only getting better. I feel like I am not anymore a drifting boat, but I am now taking the wheel.
Hi Steele, nice that you take the time to write these things down, i think it can be very helpful to process things this way. Thanks for your post.
Im doing ok. Having some game cravings today which is rather unusual. This disease wants to fk me up completely by detroying me. I need to play the tape to the end. Gaming would perhaps be fun the first 2 hours, but after that it would get compulsive and i would try to run away from every possible responsibility. I simply have to find other ways to "have fun". Time for more boardgames perhaps.
I got a lot of work to do, work that i find pleasureable. I know i could not have a life that is moving forward and be gaming at the same time. It's just my nature as a gaming addict to keep playing through time-limits and even though others need my help. It just becomes way too compulsive.
Thanks for this forum. Without u guys i would be pretty screwed :P
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks all for your posts. I am having safe days not facing urges. I go to meetings every day and i am trying to take another task along with the one i am currently doing but still have difficulties in managing my time.
Wazzapp do you know any good website that explains CBT therapies well and at the same time not too scientific? I’ve already read about their benefits but still want the actual procedures.
Steele, I always tend to get angry when i have a similar experience. I try to calm myself by saying not all human are the same, sometime our energies are simply opposite to each other which means some people will feel uncomfortable with me without me doing anything wrong.
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"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Planner, unfortunately i don't know any websites. I use the book "Feeling good" written by David Burns which is written for patients who want to try CBT. I'm sure you can find a PDF online somewhere.
I'm generally good. Working quite hard. Finally managed to get some CBT and meditation done these past days, thanks to me treating it as "work-related" in my schedule and that way get it done hehe...
Happy to not be playing games, that would be a complete mess. Cravings i wrote about yesterday are gone for the moment, and im grateful for that.
Thanks for reading
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps, thanks for keeping up the posting, this forum really helps me to not play games.
Im doing ok, working a lot, and doing cbt, na meetings and meditation regularly. It's really helpful even though i dont always feel that when im doing it.
Working with part time job, economics course and job applications so im quite active right now. I would like to get up earlier and finish earlier. Now i usually wake up after lunch and work into the night. Tomorrow i will try to get up earlier, my plan is to practice getting out of bed using this tecnique: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/04/how-to-get-up-right-away-when-your-alarm-goes-off/
Been using it before and it worked!
thanks for reading, see u :)
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thank you for this forum, happy to be living a life where i dont play games, one day at a time
I pray every morning to my HP to give me serenity, guidance and freedom from anxiety.
Today is a good day. I'm working, later i will open an NA meeting, which i do every tuesday.
Everything is not perfect, of course, i sometimes feel angry, sad and jellous, but generally everything have improved and i think my life is worth living. The struggles are worth it.
Thanks for heelping me to not play games, and thanks for giving me the strenght to carry on ever when it is tough.
See ya!
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
These days I should be working on my project, but have had difficulty focussing since last week. I took this week off to be able to get some work done. But it is not yet having the fruits I wish it had. I feel like I am procastinating, and my mind keeps drifting away.
I think I will step up doing sports. Yesterday going for a run helped me out a lot too, it made me feel much more content for sure, energized.
Today I basically spent much of the day getting my thoughts in order, writing down things and thoughts. I made a very long blog post about that.
I am doing O.K. Hope you are doing O.K too. Thank you all for being here!
Two months now doing ok but thinking about games every now and then.
Thinking about ordering the Google Daydream VR goggles because I always found VR fascinating but maybe it's just my subconscious again trying to lure me back into gaming idk.
No gaming today.
Take care.
I am not comfortable with the name Daydream for google vr and i would avoid new technologies if there were gaming applications to them.
I am enjoying my new life and not pushing to maximise my efficiency because first i know this will come by time and second what for?! do i need live all my life in rush?! Still working my recovery is my first priority because i want to stay stopped and it has made my life manageable. This is not because of the time i have available now but because of how the program is inspiring me to have a new enjoyable and accepting life.
Even if there are not that measurable changing in my life such as better financial situation but what changed is Unmeasurable! I can say i am very grateful for my new life, my new feelings towards my family, i am grateful for other fellow members who made me feel not lonely again and for my new understanding of higher power.
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"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
I had some really positive feedback this week on my long term project. It looks like the end is in sight. I find it difficult to keep the pressure on and keep pushing forward, and being consistent with working and moving forward. This week progress has gone slow. But there is progress.
I am actuallymore happy with the mental progress being made the last weeks. I feel more calm, and things make more sense in my head.
I have a busy weekend ahead. Social activities, some of which will be ... challenging for sure. Tomorrow will be particularly weird, probably. My 'bad' colleagues will be there too. One is talking with me again for a month now, and the other is continuing to be plainly avoiding. I am genuinely happy with having contact back with one of them. A new problem now is that I am noticing that I am distrustful. This change appears to have been caused by me exploding a couple of months ago, and her realizing that this was really seriously causing pain. But it is a sudden abrupt change after 2 years of avoiding. I am happy to be talking again, but it is just a weird situation, and I do not see the need for all this. This has all been so unnecessary.. Now there is good behaviour but inbetween us is unknown ground, I do not know what they really think and I prefer not to get expectations too much up again and get hurt again, while at the same time I want to be as receptive. It would have been so nice if we could just talk about it, but that has been avoided all the time (sigh).
I know I am not perfect, but I sometimes forget that they are not perfect also. So we all f* up every now and then, and we all are trying to make sense of what we feel, or sometimes we are pushing it away as hard as we can. We all make mistakes our mistakes, and we are entitled to them too.
But life is good. It is eventful, it is changing. Sometimes I am feeling lonely, sometimes feeling exceptionally grateful for the friendships that I do have. There are really many great people in my life, and I think it would be good if I try to put my eyes more on that.
Nothing of this would be possible if I were gaming.
I'm ok! Working quite a bit, but postponing job applications. I'm probably a bit scared of being evaluated ;P
Keeping up the meetings and cbt exercises which i think is very good for me. I need to be on the alert with this addiction disease, and make sure i dont fall down too far somewhere. Routines are important for that. Every morning i pray and read the NA book "just for today". It's a way for me to start the day on the right foot.
Happy to not be playing games, thanks for your help with that!
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi dear fellows,
I am trying these days to accept my life as it is. Accept that I am an addict and that gaming has reduced my ability to concentrate. I should take care of myself and don't stress myself to achieve all those big goals. Just one step at a day is what I need and what would work. I am closer to accept that everyone has his/her own story in life. It could be that I am behind my friends in term of achieving usual life's goals but my addiction and recovery gave me different perspective of life. I can now feel what living a life is including its challenges. I can see how dangerous video games could be if not controlled so I can help my kids and others. My hard times made me feel others more and I am glad for that.
Thanks everyone for staying here and helping each other
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"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
In AA we have the 12 promises of working the program, one of those are: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I believe this is true.
Happy to not be playing games
I can completely relate with u planner, i have a tendency to compare my "success" with people around me, the result often is anxiety and depression because i feel "behind". This "comparison-obsession" is very dangerous for me, cuz it gets me closer to gaming. I need to continiously reward myself mentally for the things i do that are good, and more importantly, always focus on the time i put into something, never the results. With a result-focus or result-mentality i go litteraly insane. Im extremely sensitive to result pressure, and i often end up doing nothing if i feel this pressure. Might sound wierd to a normal person, but i've found that this is how i work
Thanks for sharing & reading
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
As expected the weekend was weird. On saturday night we had that dinner with the 'bad' colleagues. One of them had started again to talk with me, the other was continuing avoiding.
When the dinner started and the avoiding colleague entered, she looked at me and smiled. Completely unexpected. She walked up to me, we greeted, and some small talk. Such a sudden switch, just like had happened with the other colleague just a month ago.
I could see she was already a little bit intoxicated, but I did not care, I was happy that the wall that had been there for almost 2 years now suddenly was not there. Later that night we chatted a little bit more, and she said that it had just been weird between us, and I said: "it has been 2 years!". Well, I am not pressing for answers. Maybe they will come, maybe they won't.
Today and yesterday we crossed in the hallways at work. We saluted, some casual small talk, some smiling. It is like day and night. Before it was avoiding like crazy, and now greeting and smiling. I don't get this stuff, or why it is necessary. Lets see how this develops over time. I now have back what I so much desired this last year, but it feels strange. I am happy to not have the obvious negativity there anymore, and I am much more calm now. Still, the first word that comes to my mind when thinking about our renewed contact is "meaningless". I'll give it time, maybe it will develop back into something meaningfull, maybe not.
The sunday afterwards I was not feeling that well, a hangover. I had no motivation and binged series. I am not that happy with that. It reminded me of my gaming behaviour, just zoning out. Anyways.. I guess I am moving into a good direction here, things are changing for the better definitely.
About comparing with others.. remember that we always tend to compare us with the top part, the ones that look like they are having it better than us. But first of all, often looks can be deceiving. And second, there are many people that are doing worse and we are not comparing ourselves with them.
I also sometimes feel very much behind. I feel like I have wasted so many precious years. But somehow the addiction and the special viewpoint that I am getting from it, it feels like something special, unique and valueable. Something that has made me much more empathic with other people, much more humble, I hope also much less self centered.
And there are many measures of success. For me it is not about the house, the job, the carreer.. ofcourse I should focus more on those things, and I am focusing more on that now, but it is not what I am after. I am still finding that part out actually. :-)
Glad you are all here. Have a good week everybody!
Dropped the Daydream idea, I realize now that was my subconscious talking trying to lure me back into gaming. I do need a PC tho and I hate that idea precisely because I do not trust myself but for later to decide.
Sven, i can definately relate to that the subconcious tries to lure my back into gaming, with all kinds of new rules, ideas and exceptions.
Most of the time im happy to not be playing games, although sometimes i "miss" it, or probably crave it rather.
Got some work to do for today, nothing too overwhelming i hope, gotta take it easy. My mantra is: I do the best i can with the information I have, and whatever happens, happens. I would like to be able to work hard and stress-free. Right now i easily get stressed, mostly because of my own mentality and inner dialog
Thanks for reading
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks everyone. I agree with you wazzapp, i have seen how helpful other early-recovery fellows’ shares. I relate to Steele, addiction has given us better perspective of viewing things. Re-doing step 1 Sven helps me when i have thoughts to game.
Our addictive personality could also be a good thing. Accepting that we are addicts actually helps us to live a good life. We know now that we can’t allow ourselves to get depressed or overanxious and we rush to handle it before it exacerbate. I can see the wisdom when others write or share about their addiction. Stuff that i don’t usually hear from normal people!
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"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Thanks for posting everyone. Really helps me to read about other people recovering from this monster. I work in retail, so crazy busy right now. Game cravings are currently in remission, which is nice. Will try to check in more regularly. Started seeing a therapist again for the first time in years. Good to have someone to talk to
Quite an active day for me, lots of work, which is mostly good. Amazing how much i've done today. Was even up early and smiling. My emotions goes up and down a bit, sometimes i get angry and almost yell at someone, then after 30 mins i feel ashamed and apologize, this is my cycle. I want to become more stable and dynamic as a person. I hope working with the steps with my sponsor will bring me closer to that
Thanks for helping me not playing games.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
There are certain situations where my emotions and thoughts just freak out. One of those situations is when someone criticise me for not being clean enough, or have too long nails e.t.c.. I think this activates a kind of panic attack from my upbringing. Whenever this happens i either get super angry, or super sad, and also very illogical. I either get hyperactive (scream/argue the same point over and over) or low active (lie in bed). There are specific comments or situations when this kind of response activates. Another example is if someone says something like "I belive in you, you can do this!". This also activates a simliar response. I think it has to do with result pressure, and that i have a hard time handling that. There are also other situations when this happens, for example it can happen when i negotiate salary or price with someone, or when i have to return something to the store that is broken. These are the situations that comes to mind.
I just had to write that out :)
Thanks olga for having this forum
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I have been slacking on my study work this week. I have been going running 3 times this week, it helps me to calm down and feel better.
We had another night out yesterday, with people from the company. Like last week, there was a lot of drinking involved. Also this time I came across the "ignoring" girl again. We talked, we danced. More normal again, more like old days. This feels strange I must say.
Strangely enough, since last week and since the contact with this "ignoring" girl came back again, the other bad colleague is again becomming cold. I just notice how these days eye contact is avoided, body language that shows irritation, etc. It feels like she is putting up the wall again.
And these two colleagues are "best friends" of eachother. To me it feels like jealousy is playing a role here. I dont know, all these changes are still very fresh. And I am probably still sensitive to whatever they do.
Today has been a lazy day. Did some chores, but not much. I will pick up my project again tomorrow. Maybe I should start the day off tomorrow running. I really look forward to that.
Im doing ok. Feeling a bit restless right now. I wanted to work with the warehouse job today but didnt get the shift, also didn't get a shift for tomorrow. I have a craving to make money lol, very materialistic i know.
Happy to not be playing games. Thanks for your help with that
See u
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Doing fine. Working on my project in my free time.
I had some desire to game. Very brief flashes of an old game. It was triggered by a word that I heard somewhere: purity. I heard it in a Ted-talk, and somehow it brought back memories of a (quite boring) game.
Best forget about it and not dwell on that.
I am having a long clean streak now.. this is actually great!
I haven't posted here in a while, but I have been having strong cravings lately (a stressful time of year for me) which have been driven by my desire to escape my obligations and dive into games again. I have not indulged these urges, have no plan to, and am posting to hopefully talk out some of these cravings. My psychiatrist told me about "surfing the urge": riding out the cravings until they pass. Although I feel debilitated in those moments of wanting to game, coming through to the other side is always affirming of my decision to not game.
I did not game today. I will not game tomorrow. Here's to getting through the holidays (and that extra free time) one day at a time, with no gaming.
Thanks for your post fishSandwich, happy you are here =)
Worked whole day today. In the past months I've been pretty obsessed with making and investing money. Well, i've had worse obsessions.....
Still not playing games. Sometimes i crave it, mostly not. I "play the tape to the end" mentally, and see pretty clearly what negative effect it would have on my life.
Thanks olga
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Holidays.. this year I will stay home alone and that is dangerous. Everybody is with friends and family. But well, I need to work on my project anyway. Still, thoughts of gaming popped into my head. There would also be noone that I would need to be accountable to, since there is nobody here. Dangerous.
But not going to do that. Because if I would start a game then it would just spill over into the next day, into the next day, into the next day, into the next day... I would be feeling miserable, self loathing, and nothing would get done. Does not sound like a good plan to me. The alternative of working sounds better and more fulfilling for sure.
Wish you all happy holidays with your family and friends! I will study a little bit more :-). Thanks for being here you guys. Enjoy the holidays!
Christmas has been wonderful with the family on my moms side. Lots of fun. However, some are gaming and i have to be more on the alert than usually to not play games.
Thanks for this forum, reading posts here is very helpful, aswell as going to NA meetings
Thanks olga
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Now 90 days off gaming. That's quite cool. Going to read a book and off to bed. Tired.
Hope you all are doing well these holidays. Holdays are always somewhat of a difficult period for me. Too much free time on your hands can lead to temptations.. But I am doing fine. Quite occupied also.
Feeling angry today. Old hurt is still roaring its ugly head every now and then. I feel mis-treated, it feels wrong. In reality the situation is much better now, but the old hurt is still there. Still, I dont like it, since negativity always poisons and eats away energy that could be spent much better on other things.
I started to look for some psychological reading material to combat my feelings, also I was looking into the topic of why it is important to me to "want to be liked". I came across some good material that made me focus more on myself, instead of what "they" think. I printed it, and tonight I will re-read it.
Thats where I am. Learning every day.
I had a productive day actually at work. Now I will try to do some physical exercise, and the day will be complete. Hope you are all doing fine. Wish you good days.
Congratulations Steele. I hope you are now better wazzapp.
Now i am writing my plans on paper so i can move to the next step as i found that imagining plans in my head is not working and makes me feel overwhelmed with even only two tasks.
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"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Lets start with the good. I am working well, making a lot of progress on my project. I am spending much more time socializing, more happy mood in general, talkative, good. Especially friendships are important to build, and I have some good friends that I am very thankful for.
However, my state of mind is now the feeling of "defeated".
Last months had some very nice and positive developments. Contact seemed to be possible again with colleagues that were avoiding and excluding me. I was happy with that change.
Today I feel defeated, because I see old behavior returning. The girl that was avoiding my eyes and not talking is again returning to that behavior. Not possible to get any eye contact, just like before. Apparently she could keep up the 'normal' saluting and greeting for only a week or so. And my other colleague shows no interest in things coming from me. I tried to make small talk, ask about holidays, but notice how conversation quickly dies. The same old same old. No interest, cutting conversations short, avoidance. At the same time I can hear her talking with others on the same topics, talking much more elaborately.
But the "biggest" thing was at coffee time. I have asked many times that when they go for a cup of coffee, I would like to go too. And 5 minutes before I would go for my regular break, they go off to get a coffee, go to the same place where they know I go too, always. So 5 minutes later I go there too, and can see how they are drinking a coffee, chatting, and I am drinking my coffee alone. The same as before, ignored, avoided. And they know.
I know I should not care, I know it is not important (who cares about drinking coffee alone, big deal), I know it is nothing, but it still bites. It makes me angry, makes me quiet, less talkative, and I am not the happy chatty person anymore. It drains my energy.
I need to get out of that place, and I will. Not now, but in time I will go. Now I have other priorities. But I have to get out of that situation over time, because there is just too much negativity and no willingness to change. I need to stop banging my head into the same wall.
Dwelling on the negativity is not really helping me, but it appears to be my default behavior. What I try to do is write away feelings of frustration, meet up with other people, try and build new friendships, talk with others about what they have on their mind (distract away from my own thoughts).
Now will do some sports, running will help me clear my mind.
It is a little bit quiet here at Olga. I hope it is because everybody is enjoying the holidays, with friends and family. Probably it is just that :-). Thank you all for being here, sharing your stories. It helps me.
I am spending the week in the library. I am putting in the hours, but productivity should be higher. It all takes too much time. But I am happy that I am busy. Also the move to new apartment is taking up quite some time. But I will get there. Just steadily keep on going. Trying to keep clear of distractions such as forums, facebook or news sites, trying to keep focus. I am getting better at it (keeping focus).
My anxiety is still much lower than last weeks. The night out last week, where I had some chatting with colleague, appears to have really helped to lower my anxiety. Not that I have forgotten how I have been treated the last two years (and not sure if now this has changed for good now), but the whole situation is not that present in my mind anymore as before. It still is a lot on my mind, but just less intense and less blocking than it was before.
At night I am reading a book from Red Hot Chilly Peppers singer (Anthony Kiedis - Scar Tissue (2007)). I would not recommend the book, the bulk of content is just the rock and roll lifestye of excesses etc. which is a bit.. meh.. But I am reading it for other reasons: his addiction to herroin and how he is discovering this and trying to deal with it. Those pieces hit home.
He is talking about how they needed to record a record, and during that time he managed to stay clean for a long time. But once the pressure was off.. there he went again. To "reward" himself or whatever excuse he had, and 1 day turned into 2, 2 into 3, and into the spiral of destruction again.
I now have a lot of pressure on my back, principally pressure imposed by myself, to finish this god****project. And I will finish it one way or another. But sometimes the feeling of "escaping" comes creeping up on me again. These insane thoughts of being able to just "zone out" and play an entire weekend. But...
1. It would NOT be fun (or only very very little time), 2. It would be endless grinding as it always is, 3. It would NOT be just a weekend, it always spills over, 4. I would feel guilt during and miserable afterwards, 5. when the mist cleares I realize the world has fast forwarded while I was experiencing groundhog day, and 6. my mind and life have been "on hold" while my body is getting older.
Cant have that. Dont want that. Bad for me.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
All good, last weekends cravings mostly gone.
No gaming today.
Thank you for posting in this thread. Recently presented step1 to my sponsor. Im very slow in working the steps. Still felt good to make some progress.
Otherwise everything is going pretty fine. Seeing a CBT therapist once a weeks which is more intense than i had before. We talk a lot about my past depressive episodes since i generally feel ok since about 3-4 months ago, the purpose is to get a better understanding of my emotions, thoughts etc to prevent falling back into depression. These sessions reminds me of how bad i used to feel. It's easy to forget hw tought it was once we feel better
Happy to not be playing games
See you soon olga friends
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Time flies. Sunday already. I have spent this morning writing up reports. Still a lot to do... but well.. content with what has been achieved. Just steadily keep on working on the project, and we will get there.
I think I will now take advantage of the beautiful day that it is.. going for a walk and take in some fresh air. All this week has been working, library, moving. But there is also a lot to show for it. Still a lot to do, but lots has been done already :-).
I hope everybody is doing fine and that recovery is going well.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hello peeps!
Checking in to say hi! I'm doing geat. Still staying away from playing game, and have nothing but very minor urges. Going to NA meetings 2-3times per week which is important for me to connect with other addicts.
I agree with Steele, time flies for me too. Still doing a lot of progress in my "life situation" through work e.t.c. I still encounter minor struggles: Sometimes my priorities are a bit wrong, sometimes i get angry, jellous, feel like a victim of circumstances. I try to have more empowering mindsets. I pray every day, as my sponsor have told me to do, for serenity and freedom from addiciton, and for the power to work with myself so i can serve society, others and myself, so i can develope myself and others.
Thanks for this forum
See you!
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hey peeps, just checking in to say hello
Everything is pretty fine with me.
Had a scary thought yesterday: "maybe i should play some games?". That's how scary my addiction sickness is, even now with many months without playing games i still get these thoughts. My addiction doesn't care about the relationships with my family, friends or my life goals, all it wants is to destroy me. Today i have respect for the danger of my addiction and keep on the alert.
Thanks for reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Been some time just been staying busy with work and getting this set up around the house. My parents come in from out of town soon so been getting the house ready. Having our Christmas get together the 10th since they won't be here long.
Fun week last week of work and enjoying time with inlaws and the family.
Wanted to stop by and say hi and I'm taking steps at a time. Doing well. No gaming and won't game.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to make your way through the darkness to achieve your goal.
Im carrying some anger in me today. Trying to run away from pain with youtube. I need to face my emotions and work more with CBT again. I havent done any cbt exercises in about a month despite the fact that i KNOW they work. How easy u forget once u feel better, what u need to do to feel good hehe.
Thanks for this forum. see you again soon
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Whatsup Olga people!
Still feeling somewhat more angry and annoyed than usual. Scheduled some CBT tonight. I know it helps
Working, saving, investing a lot. Feels good to be productive. Good my official diploma a few days ago. Trying to write job applications but im not very good at it. Having to re-write a lot, spent about 5-10h so far on making a good application hehe....
Happy to not be playing games, for me it's a pre-requisite for living
see ya!
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Busy week this week. Working during the day, at night moving stuff to new house, cleaning old house, etc etc. Also at work quite occupied.
It was also an intense week from the emotional angle. Several topics still roam my head practically all the time. I decided at one point to start writing down what has happened these last years with my colleages. Before I knew it, I had 15 pages written, and it feels like I am just half way. I am not sure why I write it down, I am writing it as if I am talking to them, but.. once I finish I am not sure what I would do with it. It also does not matter.
The writing down is giving me some more perspective on what has been going on the last years. It is becoming more clear, and I see how blind I have been. I wanted them to be friends, as we had been before, but .. aparently there are people that just dont want you around. But that is OK. I have a clear conscience, I surely could have made mistakes, but have always acted with good motives and intentions. Now that I write down all the history, I see that this has not been the case with the other party. I am not saying they are "bad", but.. nice and compasionate is far from it. I reached out my hands to them many times, and it was obvious that I was hurt, but they chose not to act upon it. I just did not want to see it and could not believe that it came from them, my friends. But it did happen that way.
It still does hurt, I dont deny that, but I think I am starting to see reality, and that feels like I am progressing and good. I just thought too much of them, I have been naive, but that is ok.
Funny also, so many people said to me "it is not that important", "it does not matter", "find some new friends". And I know that they are right. But that did not help me yesterday. I was sitting in the company canteen, telling this story and troubles with my colleague to another colleague. I said that one of these "bad colleagues" "does not even look at me", and it was right at that moment that this same colleague came walking into the canteen. She greeted and smiled and saluted to the other people, walking inbetween the tables. I was looking for her eyes, right in her line of sight, but she just walked straight by me, avoiding me completely, as she always does. I know she sees me, I know she knows I am looking for her eyes. 2 years now this behaviour, 2 years that I have tried and said to her on several occations how hurting this is for me.
As I was telling my story to my colleage sitting with me at the table, combined with my "bad colleague" passing by.. at that moment my eyes got full of water. There is some anger, but it is grounded in hurt, and having lost people that I cared about, while they are just there in plain sight.
But it is OK. I notice that I getting calmer with the situation.
There are a lot of good things that happened this week. We moved to a new place, I worked a lot, I have wonderful companions in my house, few but caring and loving friends. And it is only getting better. I feel like I am not anymore a drifting boat, but I am now taking the wheel.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi Steele, nice that you take the time to write these things down, i think it can be very helpful to process things this way. Thanks for your post.
Im doing ok. Having some game cravings today which is rather unusual. This disease wants to fk me up completely by detroying me. I need to play the tape to the end. Gaming would perhaps be fun the first 2 hours, but after that it would get compulsive and i would try to run away from every possible responsibility. I simply have to find other ways to "have fun". Time for more boardgames perhaps.
I got a lot of work to do, work that i find pleasureable. I know i could not have a life that is moving forward and be gaming at the same time. It's just my nature as a gaming addict to keep playing through time-limits and even though others need my help. It just becomes way too compulsive.
Thanks for this forum. Without u guys i would be pretty screwed :P
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks all for your posts. I am having safe days not facing urges. I go to meetings every day and i am trying to take another task along with the one i am currently doing but still have difficulties in managing my time.
Wazzapp do you know any good website that explains CBT therapies well and at the same time not too scientific? I’ve already read about their benefits but still want the actual procedures.
Steele, I always tend to get angry when i have a similar experience. I try to calm myself by saying not all human are the same, sometime our energies are simply opposite to each other which means some people will feel uncomfortable with me without me doing anything wrong.
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Hello, thanks for posting
Planner, unfortunately i don't know any websites. I use the book "Feeling good" written by David Burns which is written for patients who want to try CBT. I'm sure you can find a PDF online somewhere.
I'm generally good. Working quite hard. Finally managed to get some CBT and meditation done these past days, thanks to me treating it as "work-related" in my schedule and that way get it done hehe...
Happy to not be playing games, that would be a complete mess. Cravings i wrote about yesterday are gone for the moment, and im grateful for that.
Thanks for reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Also i know McPhee have explained some CBT exercises somewhere earlier in this thread :)
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I made a start in this one on CBT:
http://inabook.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/CBT-for-dummies-wilsonbranch-excellent-resource.pdf
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thank you Wazzapp and Steele, I will see if i can find what McPhee wrote about CBT and will see what sections in the pdf file.
Generally I am having safe days with no urges so i am working quietly on my recovery.
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Hello peeps, thanks for keeping up the posting, this forum really helps me to not play games.
Im doing ok, working a lot, and doing cbt, na meetings and meditation regularly. It's really helpful even though i dont always feel that when im doing it.
Working with part time job, economics course and job applications so im quite active right now. I would like to get up earlier and finish earlier. Now i usually wake up after lunch and work into the night. Tomorrow i will try to get up earlier, my plan is to practice getting out of bed using this tecnique: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/04/how-to-get-up-right-away-when-your-alarm-goes-off/
Been using it before and it worked!
thanks for reading, see u :)
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thank you for this forum, happy to be living a life where i dont play games, one day at a time
I pray every morning to my HP to give me serenity, guidance and freedom from anxiety.
Today is a good day. I'm working, later i will open an NA meeting, which i do every tuesday.
Everything is not perfect, of course, i sometimes feel angry, sad and jellous, but generally everything have improved and i think my life is worth living. The struggles are worth it.
Thanks for heelping me to not play games, and thanks for giving me the strenght to carry on ever when it is tough.
See ya!
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
These days I should be working on my project, but have had difficulty focussing since last week. I took this week off to be able to get some work done. But it is not yet having the fruits I wish it had. I feel like I am procastinating, and my mind keeps drifting away.
I think I will step up doing sports. Yesterday going for a run helped me out a lot too, it made me feel much more content for sure, energized.
Today I basically spent much of the day getting my thoughts in order, writing down things and thoughts. I made a very long blog post about that.
I am doing O.K. Hope you are doing O.K too. Thank you all for being here!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Two months now doing ok but thinking about games every now and then.
Thinking about ordering the Google Daydream VR goggles because I always found VR fascinating but maybe it's just my subconscious again trying to lure me back into gaming idk.
No gaming today.
Take care.
Thanks for your post
I feel a bit stressed right now about work and relationships, easily annoyed e.t.c. Looking forward to take a walk soon and relax a bit.
Happy to not be playing games, otherwise nothing would work.
Thanks for reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I am not comfortable with the name Daydream for google vr and i would avoid new technologies if there were gaming applications to them.
I am enjoying my new life and not pushing to maximise my efficiency because first i know this will come by time and second what for?! do i need live all my life in rush?! Still working my recovery is my first priority because i want to stay stopped and it has made my life manageable. This is not because of the time i have available now but because of how the program is inspiring me to have a new enjoyable and accepting life.
Even if there are not that measurable changing in my life such as better financial situation but what changed is Unmeasurable! I can say i am very grateful for my new life, my new feelings towards my family, i am grateful for other fellow members who made me feel not lonely again and for my new understanding of higher power.
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Hello peeps,
Planner, i agree, the most valuable improvements are the Unmeasurable :)
I'm ok. Postponing work a bit. Feeling lonely today.
Gonna try to get something done before sleep
Happy to not be playing games
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Weekend coming up.
I had some really positive feedback this week on my long term project. It looks like the end is in sight. I find it difficult to keep the pressure on and keep pushing forward, and being consistent with working and moving forward. This week progress has gone slow. But there is progress.
I am actuallymore happy with the mental progress being made the last weeks. I feel more calm, and things make more sense in my head.
I have a busy weekend ahead. Social activities, some of which will be ... challenging for sure. Tomorrow will be particularly weird, probably. My 'bad' colleagues will be there too. One is talking with me again for a month now, and the other is continuing to be plainly avoiding. I am genuinely happy with having contact back with one of them. A new problem now is that I am noticing that I am distrustful. This change appears to have been caused by me exploding a couple of months ago, and her realizing that this was really seriously causing pain. But it is a sudden abrupt change after 2 years of avoiding. I am happy to be talking again, but it is just a weird situation, and I do not see the need for all this. This has all been so unnecessary.. Now there is good behaviour but inbetween us is unknown ground, I do not know what they really think and I prefer not to get expectations too much up again and get hurt again, while at the same time I want to be as receptive. It would have been so nice if we could just talk about it, but that has been avoided all the time (sigh).
I know I am not perfect, but I sometimes forget that they are not perfect also. So we all f* up every now and then, and we all are trying to make sense of what we feel, or sometimes we are pushing it away as hard as we can. We all make mistakes our mistakes, and we are entitled to them too.
But life is good. It is eventful, it is changing. Sometimes I am feeling lonely, sometimes feeling exceptionally grateful for the friendships that I do have. There are really many great people in my life, and I think it would be good if I try to put my eyes more on that.
Nothing of this would be possible if I were gaming.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Steele, happy to see you are doing good :)
I'm ok! Working quite a bit, but postponing job applications. I'm probably a bit scared of being evaluated ;P
Keeping up the meetings and cbt exercises which i think is very good for me. I need to be on the alert with this addiction disease, and make sure i dont fall down too far somewhere. Routines are important for that. Every morning i pray and read the NA book "just for today". It's a way for me to start the day on the right foot.
Happy to not be playing games, thanks for your help with that!
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi dear fellows,
I am trying these days to accept my life as it is. Accept that I am an addict and that gaming has reduced my ability to concentrate. I should take care of myself and don't stress myself to achieve all those big goals. Just one step at a day is what I need and what would work. I am closer to accept that everyone has his/her own story in life. It could be that I am behind my friends in term of achieving usual life's goals but my addiction and recovery gave me different perspective of life. I can now feel what living a life is including its challenges. I can see how dangerous video games could be if not controlled so I can help my kids and others. My hard times made me feel others more and I am glad for that.
Thanks everyone for staying here and helping each other
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Thanks for posting planner
In AA we have the 12 promises of working the program, one of those are: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I believe this is true.
Happy to not be playing games
I can completely relate with u planner, i have a tendency to compare my "success" with people around me, the result often is anxiety and depression because i feel "behind". This "comparison-obsession" is very dangerous for me, cuz it gets me closer to gaming. I need to continiously reward myself mentally for the things i do that are good, and more importantly, always focus on the time i put into something, never the results. With a result-focus or result-mentality i go litteraly insane. Im extremely sensitive to result pressure, and i often end up doing nothing if i feel this pressure. Might sound wierd to a normal person, but i've found that this is how i work
Thanks for sharing & reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
As expected the weekend was weird. On saturday night we had that dinner with the 'bad' colleagues. One of them had started again to talk with me, the other was continuing avoiding.
When the dinner started and the avoiding colleague entered, she looked at me and smiled. Completely unexpected. She walked up to me, we greeted, and some small talk. Such a sudden switch, just like had happened with the other colleague just a month ago.
I could see she was already a little bit intoxicated, but I did not care, I was happy that the wall that had been there for almost 2 years now suddenly was not there. Later that night we chatted a little bit more, and she said that it had just been weird between us, and I said: "it has been 2 years!". Well, I am not pressing for answers. Maybe they will come, maybe they won't.
Today and yesterday we crossed in the hallways at work. We saluted, some casual small talk, some smiling. It is like day and night. Before it was avoiding like crazy, and now greeting and smiling. I don't get this stuff, or why it is necessary. Lets see how this develops over time. I now have back what I so much desired this last year, but it feels strange. I am happy to not have the obvious negativity there anymore, and I am much more calm now. Still, the first word that comes to my mind when thinking about our renewed contact is "meaningless". I'll give it time, maybe it will develop back into something meaningfull, maybe not.
The sunday afterwards I was not feeling that well, a hangover. I had no motivation and binged series. I am not that happy with that. It reminded me of my gaming behaviour, just zoning out. Anyways.. I guess I am moving into a good direction here, things are changing for the better definitely.
About comparing with others.. remember that we always tend to compare us with the top part, the ones that look like they are having it better than us. But first of all, often looks can be deceiving. And second, there are many people that are doing worse and we are not comparing ourselves with them.
I also sometimes feel very much behind. I feel like I have wasted so many precious years. But somehow the addiction and the special viewpoint that I am getting from it, it feels like something special, unique and valueable. Something that has made me much more empathic with other people, much more humble, I hope also much less self centered.
And there are many measures of success. For me it is not about the house, the job, the carreer.. ofcourse I should focus more on those things, and I am focusing more on that now, but it is not what I am after. I am still finding that part out actually. :-)
Glad you are all here. Have a good week everybody!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Dropped the Daydream idea, I realize now that was my subconscious talking trying to lure me back into gaming. I do need a PC tho and I hate that idea precisely because I do not trust myself but for later to decide.
Anyway no gaming today.
Thanks for posting,
Sven, i can definately relate to that the subconcious tries to lure my back into gaming, with all kinds of new rules, ideas and exceptions.
Most of the time im happy to not be playing games, although sometimes i "miss" it, or probably crave it rather.
Got some work to do for today, nothing too overwhelming i hope, gotta take it easy. My mantra is: I do the best i can with the information I have, and whatever happens, happens. I would like to be able to work hard and stress-free. Right now i easily get stressed, mostly because of my own mentality and inner dialog
Thanks for reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks everyone. I agree with you wazzapp, i have seen how helpful other early-recovery fellows’ shares. I relate to Steele, addiction has given us better perspective of viewing things. Re-doing step 1 Sven helps me when i have thoughts to game.
Our addictive personality could also be a good thing. Accepting that we are addicts actually helps us to live a good life. We know now that we can’t allow ourselves to get depressed or overanxious and we rush to handle it before it exacerbate. I can see the wisdom when others write or share about their addiction. Stuff that i don’t usually hear from normal people!
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Thanks for posting everyone. Really helps me to read about other people recovering from this monster. I work in retail, so crazy busy right now. Game cravings are currently in remission, which is nice. Will try to check in more regularly. Started seeing a therapist again for the first time in years. Good to have someone to talk to
Hello peeps,
Thanks for posting
Quite an active day for me, lots of work, which is mostly good. Amazing how much i've done today. Was even up early and smiling. My emotions goes up and down a bit, sometimes i get angry and almost yell at someone, then after 30 mins i feel ashamed and apologize, this is my cycle. I want to become more stable and dynamic as a person. I hope working with the steps with my sponsor will bring me closer to that
Thanks for helping me not playing games.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
There are certain situations where my emotions and thoughts just freak out. One of those situations is when someone criticise me for not being clean enough, or have too long nails e.t.c.. I think this activates a kind of panic attack from my upbringing. Whenever this happens i either get super angry, or super sad, and also very illogical. I either get hyperactive (scream/argue the same point over and over) or low active (lie in bed). There are specific comments or situations when this kind of response activates. Another example is if someone says something like "I belive in you, you can do this!". This also activates a simliar response. I think it has to do with result pressure, and that i have a hard time handling that. There are also other situations when this happens, for example it can happen when i negotiate salary or price with someone, or when i have to return something to the store that is broken. These are the situations that comes to mind.
I just had to write that out :)
Thanks olga for having this forum
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello
Im doing ok. Yesterday i sent some job applications, feels good to have done it.
I wish you all a good day
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I have been slacking on my study work this week. I have been going running 3 times this week, it helps me to calm down and feel better.
We had another night out yesterday, with people from the company. Like last week, there was a lot of drinking involved. Also this time I came across the "ignoring" girl again. We talked, we danced. More normal again, more like old days. This feels strange I must say.
Strangely enough, since last week and since the contact with this "ignoring" girl came back again, the other bad colleague is again becomming cold. I just notice how these days eye contact is avoided, body language that shows irritation, etc. It feels like she is putting up the wall again.
And these two colleagues are "best friends" of eachother. To me it feels like jealousy is playing a role here. I dont know, all these changes are still very fresh. And I am probably still sensitive to whatever they do.
Today has been a lazy day. Did some chores, but not much. I will pick up my project again tomorrow. Maybe I should start the day off tomorrow running. I really look forward to that.
Have a good day, and a good weekend everybody.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi Steele, thanks for posting
Im doing ok,
Still working a lot, feels like im accomplishing things
Got a new part-time job in warehousing. A lot of fun there, very mindless and peaceful ;)
Worked a bit on step2 today, looking forward to finish it and go through it with my sponsor.
Happy to not be playing games. Maybe a meeting later today if i have the energy hehe ;)
See you!
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps
Im doing ok. Feeling a bit restless right now. I wanted to work with the warehouse job today but didnt get the shift, also didn't get a shift for tomorrow. I have a craving to make money lol, very materialistic i know.
Happy to not be playing games. Thanks for your help with that
See u
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Doing fine. Working on my project in my free time.
I had some desire to game. Very brief flashes of an old game. It was triggered by a word that I heard somewhere: purity. I heard it in a Ted-talk, and somehow it brought back memories of a (quite boring) game.
Best forget about it and not dwell on that.
I am having a long clean streak now.. this is actually great!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hello
Happy to not be playing games
Work & gym today. Also NA meeting. Nice to meet na friends.
Going to my mom in a few days for christmas, that will be nice =)
See u
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi,
just checking in.
Working full day today and pretty much the same tomorrow. It's a very simple job in a warehouse, but i enjoy it actually =)
Thankfully not playing games,
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi all,
I haven't posted here in a while, but I have been having strong cravings lately (a stressful time of year for me) which have been driven by my desire to escape my obligations and dive into games again. I have not indulged these urges, have no plan to, and am posting to hopefully talk out some of these cravings. My psychiatrist told me about "surfing the urge": riding out the cravings until they pass. Although I feel debilitated in those moments of wanting to game, coming through to the other side is always affirming of my decision to not game.
I did not game today. I will not game tomorrow. Here's to getting through the holidays (and that extra free time) one day at a time, with no gaming.
My best to all of you.
Thanks for your post fishSandwich, happy you are here =)
Worked whole day today. In the past months I've been pretty obsessed with making and investing money. Well, i've had worse obsessions.....
Still not playing games. Sometimes i crave it, mostly not. I "play the tape to the end" mentally, and see pretty clearly what negative effect it would have on my life.
Thanks olga
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Holidays.. this year I will stay home alone and that is dangerous. Everybody is with friends and family. But well, I need to work on my project anyway. Still, thoughts of gaming popped into my head. There would also be noone that I would need to be accountable to, since there is nobody here. Dangerous.
But not going to do that. Because if I would start a game then it would just spill over into the next day, into the next day, into the next day, into the next day... I would be feeling miserable, self loathing, and nothing would get done. Does not sound like a good plan to me. The alternative of working sounds better and more fulfilling for sure.
Wish you all happy holidays with your family and friends! I will study a little bit more :-). Thanks for being here you guys. Enjoy the holidays!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hello, and happy holidays!
Christmas has been wonderful with the family on my moms side. Lots of fun. However, some are gaming and i have to be more on the alert than usually to not play games.
Thanks for this forum, reading posts here is very helpful, aswell as going to NA meetings
Thanks olga
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
I had some arguments with people and now i feel kind of an "emotional hangover". Slept way too long and feeling miserable in general.
I'm gonna go to an NA meeting now to get some balance.
See u <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Doing alright I guess. Not much to report :-).
Now 90 days off gaming. That's quite cool. Going to read a book and off to bed. Tired.
Hope you all are doing well these holidays. Holdays are always somewhat of a difficult period for me. Too much free time on your hands can lead to temptations.. But I am doing fine. Quite occupied also.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Feeling angry today. Old hurt is still roaring its ugly head every now and then. I feel mis-treated, it feels wrong. In reality the situation is much better now, but the old hurt is still there. Still, I dont like it, since negativity always poisons and eats away energy that could be spent much better on other things.
I started to look for some psychological reading material to combat my feelings, also I was looking into the topic of why it is important to me to "want to be liked". I came across some good material that made me focus more on myself, instead of what "they" think. I printed it, and tonight I will re-read it.
Thats where I am. Learning every day.
I had a productive day actually at work. Now I will try to do some physical exercise, and the day will be complete. Hope you are all doing fine. Wish you good days.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Congratulations Steele. I hope you are now better wazzapp.
Now i am writing my plans on paper so i can move to the next step as i found that imagining plans in my head is not working and makes me feel overwhelmed with even only two tasks.
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Lets start with the good. I am working well, making a lot of progress on my project. I am spending much more time socializing, more happy mood in general, talkative, good. Especially friendships are important to build, and I have some good friends that I am very thankful for.
However, my state of mind is now the feeling of "defeated".
Last months had some very nice and positive developments. Contact seemed to be possible again with colleagues that were avoiding and excluding me. I was happy with that change.
Today I feel defeated, because I see old behavior returning. The girl that was avoiding my eyes and not talking is again returning to that behavior. Not possible to get any eye contact, just like before. Apparently she could keep up the 'normal' saluting and greeting for only a week or so. And my other colleague shows no interest in things coming from me. I tried to make small talk, ask about holidays, but notice how conversation quickly dies. The same old same old. No interest, cutting conversations short, avoidance. At the same time I can hear her talking with others on the same topics, talking much more elaborately.
But the "biggest" thing was at coffee time. I have asked many times that when they go for a cup of coffee, I would like to go too. And 5 minutes before I would go for my regular break, they go off to get a coffee, go to the same place where they know I go too, always. So 5 minutes later I go there too, and can see how they are drinking a coffee, chatting, and I am drinking my coffee alone. The same as before, ignored, avoided. And they know.
I know I should not care, I know it is not important (who cares about drinking coffee alone, big deal), I know it is nothing, but it still bites. It makes me angry, makes me quiet, less talkative, and I am not the happy chatty person anymore. It drains my energy.
I need to get out of that place, and I will. Not now, but in time I will go. Now I have other priorities. But I have to get out of that situation over time, because there is just too much negativity and no willingness to change. I need to stop banging my head into the same wall.
Dwelling on the negativity is not really helping me, but it appears to be my default behavior. What I try to do is write away feelings of frustration, meet up with other people, try and build new friendships, talk with others about what they have on their mind (distract away from my own thoughts).
Now will do some sports, running will help me clear my mind.
It is a little bit quiet here at Olga. I hope it is because everybody is enjoying the holidays, with friends and family. Probably it is just that :-). Thank you all for being here, sharing your stories. It helps me.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."